Things I Learned Today!

1. I can see much better if I wear my glasses.
2. I really look a whole lot better “without BANGS.”
3. I’m a lot ‘lazier’ than I used to be.
4. It’s easier to SAY you’re going to eat carrots and celery all day tomorrow, until tomorrow comes and you’re hungry for anything BUT carrots and celery.

5. It’s not a good idea to refrain from going to the bathroom (when you REALLY need to go) …..you never know when you might sneeze!
6. It’s not my jeans that make my ASS look big…………It’s my BIG ASS that makes my ASS look big!
AND…………..7. I really do have 2 chins!

Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt

My name is Jenny and I'm a "Snorer!"

When I was younger, I never used to snore (at least I didn’t think I did!)


But if I DID snore, how would I know………..think about it…………..no ones laying next to me (when I’m 8 years old) to elbow me in the side in the middle of the night, with the intention of waking me up just to tell me I'm disturbing THEIR sleep by my loud snoring! So maybe I’ve actually been a “snorer” all my life and I’ve never known it! Hmm……………..

This morning, my husband told me that I snored (and I quote) “So Bad” last night! I believe his exact words were……………… “You sounded like a wounded animal?”

That’s nice………I’ve got my husband comparing me to animals, now ......(And I think it's pretty safe to say that I don’t think he means the “hot wild sex-kitten” animal, either)………..Wonderful!

I don't know what's worse:
1.) sleeping with my mouth open and waking up with drool all over my pillow in the morning (by the way.......gross!) (I don't have this problem, just so you know!)

2.) or having to worry about my (in my husbands words) "loud beastly screams" keeping others awake all night long.

Any ideas? Let me know........

Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt

I stink!

I'm replying to my girlfriend, Kelly's e-mail...................

Hi, Kelly:
So glad to hear from you……….. (although I do ‘stalk’ you on facebook quite frequently, so I always actually know what you’re doing!)

Glad to hear that you and the kids are doing fine out in Colorado. You need to go thru your house and take pictures of it and e-mail them to me, so I know what your house is like. (I need to get a feeling………….an actual vision of where you live - in my head, so when I talk to you, I can picture you sitting at home thinking of ME.)

Yes, I’m so glad its Friday, too (although today I don’t think I’m up for “3:00pm Sparks day”.) I had cocktails on Wednesday night (out with friends) and again last night (Silpada jewelry party at Heather’s) and I’m pretty “sparks-ed” out right now! I just want to go home from work, take a shower, get in my pj’s and ‘veg’ tonight.

I look like “shit” this morning (at work.) I’m in an old pair of cutoff jeans (w/ holes), a beat up faded T-shirt and I’m actually wearing a hat (a visor to be more specific!) Three people at work have walked by me already and said, “What’s with the visor?”
Well, I’m not so stupid that I don’t know that that’s their way of “pretty much telling me how ridiculous I look with this thing on my head” ………………and I’m pretty much taking their comments as meaning “I pretty much look like ‘Dog Shit’ today!” “Well, bite me!” (Just so you know, I’d look a lot worse if I took the visor off, people……..so deal with it!)

I hit the snooze about 12 times this morning, and when I finally rolled out of bed, I had about 10 minutes to get ready for work. “So there!” (Must I always be beautiful, people!??!?) Come on, guys, can’t I have a bad hair day once in awhile!

And just so you know………. I’m in dire need of a shower – BIG TIME! As I sit here typing away at my desk, I realize something stinks……….and unfortunately, I think it’s me! (Sniff under my armpits) ………………Yep, it’s me! No doubt about it! And there’s other smells that I’m aware of, but we don’t even want to go there!

My boss actually walked by me this morning and told me I stink (I think he only mentioned the fact that I ‘reak’ because I told him that I got ready for work in 7 minutes this morning and hadn't bothered to 'bathe') and I replied:

“Well, it’s not my breath that stinks…….cause that’s the only think fresh and clean on my entire body this morning.” ……………………. I DID manage to brush my teeth before I left for work this morning.

So there……(don’t you miss me?)………. (And now that I think about it, I think post this story on my ‘blog’, what do you think?)

Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt

Venus and Porscha

Wednesday, September 23, 2009: Another embellished conversation with my friend Jessica (AKA: Porscha)................

Just to bring you up to date, Jessica and I have alter-egos named Porscha and Venus. (She's Porscha and I'm Venus) ...............we use these names when we are pretending to be someone other than ourselves....like fun chicks who are risky and living life on the edge!)

Porscha: Are you going to Heathers "jewelry party" tomorrow night? I haven’t decided yet. Maybe a night out with the girls would be fun… How’s life in Jenny land?

Venus: Yes, I am……………… (going to the party that is) I’ll probably just go there from work, making my arrival time roughly 5:30PM. I’m gonna pick up some "Sparks" and start drinking out on Heathers back deck, while she’s preparing for her party. (I might just pretend it’s Friday and pretend that I don’t have to work in the morning and party like it’s “1999”.) I’ll make sure I bring my “coyote ugly butt-less chaps” with me……..and I’m gonna go home and practice Thriller tonight!

Life’s good….. but unfortunately, I’m still Fat! (I’m going to start working on that little problem “tomorrow”!) I need to lose about 30 pounds so I can squeeze my big ass into my ’I dream of Jeanie’ costume for Halloween!
I’m white and pastey looking! (I’ll have to make some tanning appointments!) I have a growth growing on my nose.....I think they call it a 'skin tag', (and it sticks out like a sore thumb since I have no tan! )
My hair is driving me nuts! I have BANGS, split ends and dark roots! (Note to self: Make hair appointment).
I’m going to start buying lotto tickets so I can win the lottery! (I may even share with my friends, unless of course they piss me of prior to winning my millions!)
I’m looking forward to seeing you on “MSU/Michigan game day”! (If you guys still invite us over! That is, if I haven't pissed YOU off just prior to game day!) Looking forward to watching Jack grab a flag! (And I seriously need to talk to TJ about Hooters!)

So much to do, so little time!
(I think I’ll make a story on my blog about this e-mail! What do you think?)
Later, Venus

Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt

Not Another Cheeseburger Story!

Ok, so after a night of drinking and hanging out with friends……of course my husband and I have got the munchies.

I, being the designated driver, pull into McDonalds for a late-night burger! (Oh My Gosh……… my mouth is watering, just thinking about the greasy cheeseburger that I’m about to devour!) Rob orders one Big Mac and fries and I order just one Big Mac. Rob decides to inhale the burger and fries on the way home to my mom and dads house…………….which is where we are planning to spend the night tonight. (My parents have left the door unlocked for us and have left the outside light on because …..let’s face it………….my parents are old and there’s no doubt that they’ll be in bed by the time we get home tonight!)

I tell Rob that I certainly don’t NEED to be eating a cheeseburger at 1:30AM, but oh, well……I’m hungry. And as I’m driving, I’m salivating from the aroma of the cheeseburger that Robs inhaling next to me.

So we get to my parents house, right? I hurry into the bathroom to relieve myself (because of course I have to go to the bathroom) and when I return to the kitchen, Rob’s got my Big Mac open and is in the process of removing the pickles!

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” I say.

“I’m gonna eat your burger, cause I’m still hungry!” Rob says.

“What do you mean you’re going to eat my burger?” I reply. “You just ate yours. That one’s mine!”

“You said you shouldn’t eat it anyway. You said you shouldn’t have ordered it because you shouldn’t be eating cheeseburgers at this time of night!” Rob says. (Great, he picks this time to actually pay any attention to what I say! Any other time, he'd be ignoring me!)

“I don’t care what I said. That Big Mac’s mine! Don’t touch it!” I say.

“OK, I’ll split it with you.” He says.

(Are you kidding me?) “What do you mean; you’ll split it with me? You just ate a whole burger and fries. This one’s mine! I’m not gonna split it with you!” I say. “Quit touching it!”

Rob proceeds to cut it into two equal pieces. “Come on, Hun! You eat half, and I’ll eat half!” He says.

(I am so PISSED!) “No, I’m not going to split the burger………….that’s MY Big Mac! I’m either eating the WHOLE thing or I’m not eating ANY OF IT! I say.

“Hun, do you know how ridiculous that sounds?” He says.

I stair at him! And then I stand in disbelief and watch my husband eat half of MY burger!

“Fine………you eat the dam burger!” (I’m pouting now...........I can't believe he ate half of my cheeseburger!) “I’m not coming to bed, I’m going to stay out here in the living room and read!” I say!

He walks into the bedroom…………then I wait to hear his snoring and then I, of course, sneak into the kitchen and eat the rest of MY Big Mac! (But I'm still pissed!)

OK, get this…………… (The next morning, I ask my dad if he heard us come in last night. My dad says he didn’t actually hear us come in, but says that he almost burst out laughing last night when he heard us bickering over a cheeseburger. He says he had to actually put his hand over his mouth to keep from bursting out laughing in bed and waking up my mother, when I said (and I quote) ‘I’m either eating the WHOLE thing or I’m not eating ANY OF IT!)

Photo courtesy of microsoft clipart

Let's Face It!

OK, let's just face it....things don't always turn out like we plan them too!

Saturday night Rob and I went to a get-together with a few friends that I graduated with. (It's been 25 years since I graduated.) Just a very informal mini - high school class reunion. Oh yes, I had these 'great expectations' of making my 'grand entrance' into this event! I thought surely that a "hush" would come over the crowd and a light wind would blow through my hair as I walked into the room. And of course I would be the beautiful diva that everyone flocked too. Oh how I had such high hopes..............(You may want to check out my post: "Reunion, anyone?")

I of course spent hours curling, straightening, foofing, ratting my hair so that I had the fluffy soft perfect hairdo that all the other women would be envious of. (Well it took about 1/2 hour for my perfect hair to fall frumpy and straight while needless to say all of my fellow females hairdos stayed full and fluffy thru-out the entire night.)

I spent the morning manicuring my fingernails and toenails so that they would be perfect for my big night. Toenails were perfectly painted and I had glued on brand new fake french manicured nails on all my fingernails. (Well, wouldn't you know, half of my fake fingernails had popped off before I even got to the party, so I was left with little gross looking nubs for nails!)

No hush came over the crowd when I walked into the party........absolutely no breeze blowing through my hair as I made my entrance, in fact it was hotter than shit. I ended up setting in the direct sun, once I arrived, so I was all sweaty, hot and red faced from the heat! My makeup of course sweated off my face before too long leaving me looking blotchy and as if I just rolled out of bed. (Of course, I didn't bother to go to the tanner to get my beautiful dark skin glow that I had wanted so badly.) I had downed a diet root beer prior to the party, so I was bloated! (Making it tough to hold in my stomach all night with the attempt to make myself look thinner!) I had forgotten to take some allergy medicine, so I spent the night with a runny nose and itchy-watery eyes. (And of course, camera flashes going off all night, and needless to say, I looked like a 'hog' in all the pictures!)

All kidding aside, it ended up being a wonderful night. I got to spend some great time with some old friends. Each and every one of us looked fabulous and had a spectacular time.

For those of our fellow classmates who were unable to make it, it was unfortunate, and we all missed seeing you.

The night certainly wasn't about who looked better than anyone else, or who had made the most money over the last 25 years. It wasn't about who was driving the 'hummer' or the 'corvette' or who was still bagging groceries at the local market. Who was sporting diamonds and carrying 'Prada' bags, or who was still struggling to make ends meet.

We all simply had a wonderful time, just getting together with old friends, reminiscing about old times, re-telling old stories, catching up on every ones lives. There was lots of "HUGS" to be had by all! (Yes, the picture above is of me setting in the sun on the deck, during the reunion!)

Hooters, Anyone?

OK……. I love “Hooters Wings”………… who doesn’t?

In fact, (if the truth be known) …….I love GOING to Hooters ……..mostly, so I can admire the ‘Hot, Little, Anorexic, Hooter Bar-Maids’ who wear the “too-tight” tank tops with their “skin-tight” short shorts! (And no, I’m not a lesbian!)

But, as much as I love admiring those ‘little hotties’ dressed in orange and white, my husband loves gawking at them even more than I! This really doesn’t bother me, because he’s just being a typical man, right? Doing what any typical man would do………….stare at beautiful women (especially ones who are half dressed and falling out of their tops for everyone to see!) I just laugh at him; tell him to put his tongue back in his mouth, and remind him that I looked like that once, back when I was 20 years old, and before I had children! Get real………most of these girls are 18 – 22 years old! They’re babies………. of course they look good! See my point? Enough said!

Well, as you know, Rob and I go to Florida every year in December and sell Christmas trees from our Christmas tree tent. And wouldn’t you know, less than a mile away is a “Hooters.” It’s tradition that we stop and enjoy some wings a couple of times each year, while we’re in Florida.

Well, one night after work (about 10:00PM) we decide to order wings to go, and pick them up on the way home from the tent. Granted, by this time, after working about 13-14 hours in the hot sun, I look like total CRAP…..(been working all day with trees and wreaths, I have sap all over me, I’m sweating like a hog, my make-up is completely gone, my hair is in a dishevel, I’m filthy, and all I want to do is go back to our house, eat my wings, have a beer, take a shower and go to bed!) So we leave the tent and arrive at Hooters a couple of minutes later and I tell Rob to just go in and get the wings (we’ve pre-ordered) and I’ll wait in the car for him…………………….. I wasn't too keen on mingling with the ‘perfect looking Hooters girls’, while I myself looked like “total dog shit”, right?

Keep in mind, Rob’s reply was, “OK, hun, no problem, I’ll be right back in a few minutes!”

Well, about 10 minutes later, (me still waiting in the car) I start to get antsy……..THEN after about 15-20 minutes, I’m starting to get worried. What if something’s really wrong in there? Should I go in to see what’s keeping him? I know……………. Rob must have gotten sick and fainted (while in Hooters), and no one knows I’m his wife and I’m outside waiting in the car……I’m seriously anticipating an ambulance rolling into the parking lot any moment now. ………………No…………. maybe there’s a drunken fool inside and Rob and he have gotten in a bar fight over our hooter wing order……maybe the drunken idiot pulled a gun and tried to take our ‘wings’ after Rob had already paid for them……………25 minutes, now…………Or, maybe somebody mugged him in the bathroom and Rob’s laying unconscious on the floor bleeding from a head wound………..Oh my Gosh, I’ve got to get to Rob…………Ok ..............that’s it………I’m going in!

With the car door open and one leg on the ground, I look up and here comes Rob, out of Hooters. Is he whistling? He’s actually smiling!

“What the Hell happened in there?” I say. “What took you so long?” “Are you OK?”

“Nothing, they screwed up our order, they forgot to put it in, and so I had to wait.” He replies.

“For 25 minutes? You waited in there for 25 minutes for the order, with me in the car?” I say.

“You said you didn’t want to come in ‘cause you looked like Shit, so they offered me a beer and I just sat at the bar and waited. “ He replies. "They had the game was on."

“And you didn’t think it was necessary to come out to the car and tell your wife that the order was delayed and maybe invite her in to have a beer with you? 25 minutes, Rob………are you kidding me?”

“I was going to come out, but then they gave me another beer, so I just sat there and drank that one too. No big deal………….. I’ve got the order and now we can go.” He replies.

Unbelievable…………Now, JUST so you all have this straight………. This is what it boils down to……... MY husband, enters HOOTERS, sets in the bar and has not ONE, but TWO beers, while I (sweaty, hot, tired, and dieing of thirst) wait patiently in the car! Are you kidding me! Who does that?

At the time, I was in such awe that he would do such a thing, that I actually laughed unbelievably! I was both pissed and dumbfounded!

Trust me, he’ll never do that again! (But it makes for a great story, doesn’t it?)

Face in a hole.com

OH MY GOSH!

"OK, the unthinkable has just happened!"

It's Sunday, I'm going through my usual routine of cleaning out the fridge.......you know....... throwing out the slimy lettuce, the moldy rolls, the leftover Chili............

..........that's when I open my "meat drawer" and there they are, (not just one, but 2 of them), underneath the bacon and bologna......................(OK.................take a deep breath, Jenny) ............to my horror, (Oh my gosh), there are 2 Cheeseburger patties in a zip lock bag!

When on earth did we have Cheeseburgers last? I think it was with Jason and Heather last Sunday. (They came over, we grilled and I kept the leftovers.) In fact, I remember now wrapping them up and sticking them in the drawer. I can't believe I've forgotten about them! All those nights last week, with no idea what to eat for dinner, and all this time the 2 patties have been in my refrigerator, hidden under the bacon. (Obviously, we don't eat bacon a lot..................if only I'd made BLT's this week!) And not just one, there's 2............could they still be good? ..............I'm thinking..........mulling it over in my mind..................I'm salivating.............I'm actually contemplating eating them, for God's sake!

OK, let's get real................that wouldn't be good..............they don't even smell like cheeseburgers anymore.

I'm going to actually have to throw them out! The Queen of Cheeseburgers is actually gonna have to throw them out! I'm sorry, but in 'my world of Jenny', we just don't waste cheeseburgers! What's my world coming to? I feel ill.......I'm going to go lie down! (And remember to keep an eye on my meat drawer from now on!)

Photo courtesy of microsoft clipart

Reunion, anyone?

OK.........you'll love this. Guess what's next weekend. "My 25 year high school class reunion!"

(I guess we can't really classify it as an actual reunion because no actual planning has been involved and we haven't even been able to get a hold of everyone in our graduating class.....it's just a bunch of my fellow 'class of 1984' graduates that just decided to get together on a specific night and reminisce.)

And guess what. I'm not looking at all like I want to look if front of all these people! (Does that really Surprise you!)

I'm picturing ....oh, let's say, about 30 - 40 fellow classmates all standing around the reception hall, making small talk and telling various stories about their lives since high school....laughing, and having a grand ole' time. And all of a sudden, a light fog appears on the floor, a slight breeze blows in from an open window, the french doors fly open, and I make my entrance along with my husband, Rob who is looking quite handsome. Rob is wearing a pair of rugged-baggy-stoned-washed blue jeans (that make his ass look fabulous), cowboy boots, tight-white turtleneck (that shows off his pecks of steel), and wearing his infamous "shark-tooth necklace."

Me on the other hand..........I look fabulous of course, beside my gorgeous husband! I've got a short mini-skirt on, (size 5), (that shows off my long-muscular, tan legs.) Yes, I have a phenomenal dark tan (that makes me look like I've been in the sun all summer long!) I've got heels on, (that highlight my calves and make my legs look even thinner than they actually are.) I'm wearing a tight low-cut blouse that flatters my swollen breasts (and I'll admit the girls look breath-taking tonight!) My fingernails are manicured long and red, my makeup is flawless and my long, blond hair is flowing over my shoulders and down the middle of my back in little blond curls. Oh, and let's not forget all the jewelry that I have on....endless diamonds and gold, of course.

The crowd grows silent as I make my entrance......parading through the tables of people who are "oooing and aahing" over how spectacular I look. Yes, the attention is all on me - Yes, Jenny Phillips, the diva!

OK, now let's get back to reality.....let me tell you what's really going to happen:

There's a crowd of people sitting in the smoke filled local small town pub. Rob and I appear in the door. Rob, of course, is in his work clothes, (which would include a worn-out flannel shirt and holey jeans, complete with work boots and baseball cap.) He hasn't shaved and he's in a bad mood, (not really excited to be here at all.)

I'm by his side, wearing a pair of jeans that don't fit and they're unbuttoned under my baggie blouse, of course! (See my "I'm in need of a lifestyle change!" post!) I'm not wearing heels, because I hate being taller than Rob. I'm pale, because I haven't been in the sun all summer long and I'm too lazy to go to the tanner on a consistent basis. I'm not only white and pasty looking, but I'm still fat, of course! (Those dam cheeseburgers!) (See my "I'd rather eat a cheeseburger!" post!) I've got skin jiggling under my upper arms, not to mention what my chin looks like (I think I have 2 chins right now), and don't even get me started on my bangs! (Who in the Hell cuts their own hair 2 weeks before their high school class reunion?) What was I thinking! My face is full of wrinkles and huge pores....my shade of makeup doesn't even match my skin color and my fingernails are short, bitten, and cracked!

And as I enter the bar, I slip on the wet floor and fall flat on my face, putting my front tooth through my lower lip. I get up non-chalantly, shake it off and enter my reunion with blood seeping from the cut in my mouth, and my lower lip black and blue, swelled up like a melon!

Boy, do I know how to make an entrance! And I sure know how to impress, don't I? Maybe I just won't go!

Photo - National Lampoon's Class Reunion

I Believe!

I believe in the sun even if it isn't shining. I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent.

author unknown

Photo by jBrown

Holy Hair!

Holy Bad Hair Day!

I just happened to glance in a mirror and saw a reflection of myself. ......... Ugh!

Are you kidding me? I seriously have bangs!

(I have this nasty little habit of cutting my own hair after I've had a couple of cocktails.) And now that I think about it, the other night I got 'all sauced up', went in my bathroom with my 'mojito' and cut my bangs. About 2 inches worth of bangs! What was I thinking! Sure, it sounded like a great idea at the time, but I was drunk.......

OK, so after the fact........ I actually forget that I've done this to myself until I catch my reflection in a mirror again. My hair looks like SHIT. I look like Valerie Bertinelli in the 80's. .........(not that this is a bad look, but it was certainly a better look in the 80's......and not that Valerie Bertinelli isn't beautiful, 'cause she is!) But it's definitely not the look that I am going for at this stage of my life. I want long sexy, wavy, beautiful hair.......hair that makes me look sexy and hot. I don't want hair that's sassy and cute! I don't want hair that makes me look like I'm trying to be 20 years old again, or hair that looks like I got it cut at "cut's or us!"

It's been about 1 1/2 weeks now........can my hair grow any slower? How long does it take for bangs to grow back, anyway? Oh my Gosh............I'm never cutting my hair again!

One of my good friends, Teresa, says that my two greatest assets are my hair and my boobs. (Yes, I'm fortunate to have beautiful, thick and wavy hair, and I've been blessed with great looking breasts, I'll admit!) So why did I go and ruin my hair........now I have to rely on my boobs to get me through! And they're not as perky as they use to be, let me tell you!
So forget my hair (my new hair with bangs), and forget my boobs (the sagging breasts that point toward the floor).......it's time I rely on my fresh, positive, perky, fun-filled attitude! Which is what I should be relying on anyway!

Life isn't about boobs and hair, right?

Photo: Valerie Bertinelli

"My name is Jenny, and I'm an Interrupter!"

Okay, let's talk about "Bad Habits!" Specifically..........MY bad habits! I've got a few! Let's discuss ONE in particular!

I have a bad tendency to INTERRUPT other people during a conversation. I don't mean to, it just happens! What can I say? I like to TALK! (I like to listen, but let's face it, I like to talk more!)

I know it's rude (and I'm truly not a rude person) but sometimes I just can't control myself. I'm not sure.............I don't even realize I'm doing it................maybe it's just that I want to make sure that I get my feelings across or my 'two cents' in, before the subject is changed and we move on to another conversation. (Like that's gonna happen!) Or, maybe I'm afraid that the person that I'm talking to won't want to hear MY side of the story. Maybe it's that I'm afraid the other person will forget to let ME talk. (God forbid!)

I admit that sometimes I get so caught up in talking, that I tend to ask a lot of questions. Then........ I don't even stop to hear what the answer's are to the questions that I just asked, before I start talking again! So, then, I have to ask the same questions over and over again, which can be embarrassing!

It's not that I have no interest in what you are saying, because I truly do.......it's just that I like to talk and I forget that other people might have something to say, too!

NOTE: As much as I like to talk, I do NOT like talking on the telephone! I've never been a "phone talker!" I prefer to carry on conversations in person. (So keep that in mind, before you call me, girlfriends, "No Offense!")

If you ask me a question, don't expect me to answer with a simple 'yes' or 'no'.....I'm surely going to elaborate. It's just who I am......................I talk, I Ramble on and on and on, (usually about absolutely nothing), and most of the time, it takes me forever to tell a single story. I often tend to get off the subject in which we are talking (yes, I get side tracked)................ultimately forgetting what we were talking about to begin with....................... Does that really surprise you? For those of you who really know me, the answer would be "No!"

Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt

Bears

Bears! I hate bears! I have nightmares about being mauled by a grizzly bear. I've had reoccurring nightmares about bears since I've been little!

Face it, the only bears that I ever want to cross paths with in my life are 'Yogi Bear' and 'Winnie the Pooh!'

I don't go camping! I don't go for long walks in the woods! I would never go hiking in the mountains! I've always skipped the 'bear exhibit' at the zoo! And the list goes on............

Yes, it's one of my few phobias....right up there with 1.) losing a child, 2.) losing the ability to taste 3.) the fear that our earth will run out of Cheeseburgers in my lifetime, 4.) the "I Don't do Blood" thing I've got going on....and 5.) those evil little "Garden Gnomes." (And there's probably a few more, that I've forgotten at the moment.)

People say I'm silly, and I know I'm being ridiculous, the odds of being attacked by a bear are so very slim. But what can I say.....bears scare me!

They say if you encounter a bear in the woods, you're supposed to play dead! What do they mean, play dead? What's up with that? Let me get this straight, you want me to lie down, curl up in the fetal position, put my hands around the back of my neck and wait for God knows what? Are they crazy! And does this really work?

But what's the alternative.............I could try to run, but I've been told that no one can outrun a bear, (let alone me....who is pathetically out of shape and gets winded walking up a flight of stairs! I'd be dead for sure!)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want it to hurt! And I don't want it to include a lot of blood!

Excuse me if I have a hard time dropping to my knees and doing absolutely nothing but waiting for the bear to tear my flesh off and bite my bones in two. I don't want to hear my own bones being crushed and I don't want to smell the rancid breath of my soon to be killer. And what if the bear does grow tired of me, and after mutilating my body, decides to leave me...........we all know how great I am with the "blood thing!" Face it, I won't have a chance! If I survive the attack, I'll never survive all the blood!

Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt

This Can't Be Me!

Holy Moses! Is that really me? I LOOK GROSS! (I’m looking at my naked body in the mirror, by the way.)

I just got out of the shower, am dripping wet, standing in front of the full length mirror in my bathroom, drying myself off. OK………...quit looking, Jenny…………maybe if I dry myself off and comb my hair, I’ll look better…………(I look again)………. No, guess not!

My hips are huge! No wonder my jeans don’t fit! No wonder I have to unbutton them all the time!

I turn around to look at my butt in the mirror!........... Oh My Gosh! My butt is enormous! And what’s with all those little dimples and divots ……….……”Holy Cottage Cheese Thighs!” That can’t be MY butt! “Wasn’t it just yesterday that my ass looked phenomenal in my coyote ugly butt-less chaps?”

And where’d that little gap go? (The one that used to be between my thighs when I stand with my knees together.) My thighs are touching for gosh sakes, they’re rubbing together, and probably chafing with every move I make! ………………. Note To Self: I need to buy Baby Powder!

Holy Toledo! What’s with all that skin hanging from my waist? No, wait a minute, on second thought, what waist….I have no waist! Rolls, Rolls, Rolls………everywhere I look, more rolls! Where’s my stomach? Where’s my abs of steel? ………….Oh my God, is that my belly button? (And to think that it used to be pierced!) My belly button now looks like a huge “crater” in my midriff of fat! It’s disgusting!

Isn’t it summer out? Why am I so pale? Shouldn’t I be tan? Normally at this time of year, I have a healthy brown glow about me. I look sickly! All white and pasty looking. (I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dead!) …………….Note To Self: Make some tanning appointments!

And look at my complexion…… age spots, wrinkles, huge pores, and pimples (Aren’t I be too old to have acne?) And what’s with the coarse black hairs jutting out of my chin? Have I started growing a beard? By gosh, I think I have!

And I can’t possibly be the only middle-aged woman with little black hairs growing on her breasts? Not many, just a couple here and there…….Thank god that I pluck them every so often or the girls would be covered in hair! And weren’t they a lot perkier yesterday? Today, my nipples are pointing toward my feet!

And what’s with the uni-brow? Didn’t I just pluck my eyebrows last week? What am I now – Chewbacca? Where’s all this hair coming from? I have hair everywhere. I just shaved my legs last night, and now I can almost comb the hair on them!

My toenails are way too long…..they look like talons. It’s a wonder I haven’t turned over in bed at night and punctured Rob’s “Achilles” with them. And half of my toenails polish has worn off in some places……….have I actually been wearing sandals this summer, with my feet looking like this? What is wrong with me?

And my hairs wet, but it still looks like shit! When was the last time that I had it cut? I mean “Professionally Cut” by someone who actually knows how to cut hair. And what’s with the bangs? I think I remember getting drunk last night and giving myself bangs…….That would explain all the hair in the wastebasket in the bathroom. So I wake up this morning and now I have a new hairdo! What the Hell!
Note To Self: Quit cutting my own hair when I’m drinking!

I look pitiful! Where on earth did my youth go! It’s like I woke up this morning and I’ve turned into somebody’s overweight mother! This isn’t me. I’m a hot babe! I specifically remember having a waist, having perky boobs, a gap between my legs, and 2 distinctive eyebrows. No wonder I wear clothes every day…..I’ve got to cover this shit up! I have to disguise this beast of a body! There is no question that I definitely look better with my clothes on! Note To Self: “Don’t ever take my clothes off ever again!” "And quit eating Cheeseburgers!"

Photo courtesy of womenshealthmag.com