What I Know....

At 43, I don't have all of my life figured out, but I do know a few things......

1.) I've learned that life isn't easy, so I shouldn't expect it to be. That's Life!

2.) I know that although I have problems, there are a lot of people out there who have it a lot worse than I do, so I shouldn't complain.

3.) I've come to terms with the fact that when I now walk into a room, I will no longer be the prettiest, the skinniest, or the youngest woman............and I'm OK with that!

4.) I know that every day I have a choice; I can smile and be happy or I can choose to be negative and miserable. I've learned that life is what you make it...........so I choose to be happy!

5.) I've learned that the most important thing in my life is my family!

6.) I know that I'm not afraid to grow old.

7.) I know that it's taken me this long to become the person that I am today............and I think I'm pretty cool!

Photo courtesy of the internet

Letters From Maximus!

OK, there's a couple of things that I need to get off of my chest:

1.) Blaming your farts on me.......Not Funny!

2.) Yelling at me for barking................I'm a frickin' dog, you moron!

3.) Do you actually believe the stupid cat isn't all over your stuff when you're gone. Haven't you noticed that your toothbrush smells a little like "cat butt?"

4.) Dog Sweaters? Have you noticed I have fur, you idiot?

5.) How you act disgusted when I lick myself........we both know you're just jealous you can't do the same thing!

6) Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check things out.............who's walk is this anyway?

There, now that I've gotten that off my chest.......try to get a grip!

........................... your dog, Max

Photo of Maximus 2009

Things I Learned Today!

1.) It's way too late to try to potty-train my dog, Maximus!

2.) I should know at this point in my life it's not a good idea to pick the zits on my face!

3.) No matter how much I clean my house, it only takes a day to get it dirty again!

4.) I don't care what the women in short-shorts say, it's not a good idea to use 'Nair'!

5.) I like cappuccino better than coffee!

6.) Just when I think I couldn't possibly love my kids any more than I already do, I realize I love them more!

Photo courtesy of the internet

I Want to look like Barbie!

My friends and I were chatting the other day, talking about growing old, putting on weight, getting saggy and wrinkly all over, and letting ourselves go with age. We were thinking of people who we want to look like. We were playing the “I would love to have _____________ body!” or “I want to look like _________________!”

Eva Longoria’s name came up. Faith Hills name came up. Carrie Underwoods name came up, along with Angelina Jolie (as her Tomb Raider character, of course.)

Well, I decided that I want to look like a “Barbie Doll!” (Yes, I know...... I know………. I’m setting myself up for an unrealistic expectation! But a girl can dream!)

I want to be Barbie!

I want to have long flowing platinum blond hair, long thin legs, perfect perky breasts, a flawless complexion, a tiny waist, an “ass-to-die-for” and I want to walk around all day in a bathing suit!

Who wouldn’t want to be Barbie? She’s got it all! …………….The Dream House, the Pink Corvette, lots of stylish clothes, she’s always in stilettos, always up on the latest trends and she has lots of good looking fashionable friends always hanging around her.

She lost all of her weight after having babies and her friend Skipper is always around to baby-sit………….not to mention she has a hunky blond boyfriend, named Ken! (And I’ve heard GI Joe is always trying to get her number, because he wants to go out with her, too!)

Well, to make a long story short………………Not Gonna Happen!

Here’s the realistic picture of what I'd look like as Barbie! .........................……….I’m gonna look like the “Barbie Got Old” version, or the “Barbie Got Fat” version or the “Barbie Let Herself Go” version of the doll.

Kinda like this……………..

I’ll be the Barbie that’s sitting around doing nothing, on my computer, eating Cheeseburgers and French Fries, drinking Beer and having completely put on too much weight! Yeah, that's me!

Photo courtesy of the internet

Teachers

The following is an e-mail I recieved from a friend.....I'm not sure who the author is, but I thought this was a great e-mail and I wanted to share it with you all. It's SO true!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: 'Let me see if I've got this right......................

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning. 'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. 'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a check book, and apply for a job. 'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams. 'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. 'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. 'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?

Author unknown - Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt

I Dream of Jeannie!

OK, it’s almost Halloween again and now I have the dilemma of thinking up a costume to wear to our annual Halloween party. Because you CAN’T go to a “Halloween Party” without dressing up in costume, right?

Let’s see, there are so many costumes to pick from. I, myself, (by the way) prefer to make/create my own costume each year. I will probably be “I Dream of Jeannie” again. I haven’t worn this costume in let see; it’s been about 15 years. And it sure brings back memories………

Close your eyes…..get ready to go back in time………..go back 15 years ago to Halloween night in 1994………………………

Of course, 15 years ago, I was a hot babe! (I was 28 years old, thin, long blond hair, abs of steel, phenomenal looking ass, toned arms, no wrinkles, and a complexion free of age spots.) I’m dressed up as “I Dream of Jeannie” and I look spectacular!

I’m at a Halloween party at a friend’s house, I’m single, and I’m partying like its '1999'. It’s what, 12:30PM……..and some great person (full of wisdom) decides we all need to go to the local pub to finish out the night. (I know what you’re thinking!) Yeah, great idea, partying, dancing and “drinking”, now let’s get in a car and drive, right? (Well, it was a long time ago, and my ways have long since changed since those days, so don’t worry! I’d like to say I’ve matured at this point in my life!)

So yeah, we all pile into our vehicles and proceed to drive the 15 minutes to the local pub. Except for me, I’m by myself, in my car (which is a terrible idea, by the way.) I go about 3 blocks and I realize that I really shouldn't be driving! So I do the responsible thing, pull over on a back road, turn my car off, lock my doors, lay my head back, and decide to take a short nap and sober up, before attempting to drive again.

Haven’t a clue how long I’ve been out, its pitch black and I wake up to hear my drivers’ side car door handle jiggling. (Someone’s obviously outside trying to open my driver’s side car door.) I’m figuring it’s my friends, Jeff and Krissy (who were right behind me) stopping to give me a lift. I unlock the door, and open it to find two young boys (probably 16-17 years old) ……….the dome light fills the car, and the 2 boys obviously are completely surprised by someone actually being in the car………. “Oh lady, sorry……….. didn’t mean to bother you……uh, er…..sorry lady!” And then they take off running. (Later I will realize these 2 boys were actually trying to break into my car, only to find I was in it!)

Anyway, I shut my door, re-lock it, and fall back to sleep……..haven’t a clue how long I’ve been out again………………..only this time I’m awakened by red and blue flashing lights, and a cop with a flashlight knocking on my drivers side window. (To make a long story short, he claims he has been following me, he claims he watched me pull over and let’s just say that now I’m in a heap of trouble!) I did ask him WHERE he was when the 2 boys tried to break into my car and I asked him HOW it took me 45 minutes to drive 3 blocks from the party? (I had left the party 45 minutes prior, by the way) Oh, well……..I was in no position to argue – it was HIS word against mine, and it’s pretty safe to say the cop was gonna win over I Dream of Jeannie! (Sucks to be me!) Next time I’ll take my keys out of the ignition!

So after I vomited on the cops boots (in my own defense, I did tell him that I was going to be sick, so he had a chance to get out of the way) they take me to the hospital to give blood (Oh God, don’t let me see anyone I know.) and then it’s off to the police station.

Do you know that they take all of your jewelry and possessions when they lock you in a cell for the night? They took all my veils that were part of my costume……even the veils that are hanging over my chest ……..the ones that are concealing the 'major cleavage' that I have going on. (Evidently, they thought I was gonna HANG myself in my cell.) Heellllloooooooo…………......are you kidding me? Now their popping Polaroid pictures of me, they give me my little orange booties and away to my cell I go. (Thank God, no one else is in here with me.) I lay down on the cement slab and off to dreamland I go!

Moorrnnnninng……………………….I wake up and there’s a Hooker in my cell. (Yes, I Hooker!) OMGosh….kill me now! What was I thinking? This can’t be happening? Great……who do I call? Kelly…………… I have to call Kelly! Call Kelly right now! She has to get me out of here! Please Kelly……….pick up the phone!

Kelly’s in the waiting room (waiting for them to release me)………………….. Evidently I’m a felon now! A FELON! Are you kidding me? …………….. I’m not a Felon!

And there are Polaroid pictures of me on the bulletin board behind the counter. (And they’re not very flattering pictures, I may add!) OMGosh…..can they do that? Don’t I have rights? (I’m glad I’ve been your amusement for the night, gentlemen!)

I’m in no position to question anything right now! Just get me out of here! Let me pay my fines……….. I just want to put this behind me!

And that’s the end of my story.

Now, FLASH FORWARD to today……………………..NO………….Not a proud moment in my life! I’m fortunate that God was with me to get me through that night! I’ve learned from it! That night, 15 years ago, is the “one and only time” that I’ve ever been arrested. And I’m glad it ended like it did, glad that no one got hurt within those 3 blocks, including myself! I was very fortunate and God was watching over me!

Looking ahead, 15 years later, it does make for a funny story, tho, doesn’t it!

Photo courtesy of the internet

Things That Made Me Happy Today....

1. Wearing my favorite jeans

2. Finding a five dollar bill in my coat

3. Walking one mile on the treadmill on my lunch hour

4. A small Iced Caramel Frappe

5. Listening to my favorite songs on the radio

6. An unexpected call from my kids

7. Getting on the scales to find that I've lost 2 pounds

8. Making homemade Chicken Noodle Soup

9. Finishing the last chapter of a good book

Photo courtesy of Microsoft Clipart

The Rock

First of all you all need to know that I am happily married and have been for 10 years. I would never ever think about being with another man...........ever....................

BUT...........

There is one man who .............sorry, Hun..................'if he showed up on my doorstep' and 'wanted me' ..................yes........................you guessed it............. I would melt in his arms and become his - Forever..............................Period! End of Story!

Every woman has a celebrity crush.........and mine is ...........hands down .............yes, "The People's Champion" .........Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

What a coincidence that we share the same birthday (May 2nd)........shouldn't that be a sign. Yeah, I know he's 6 years younger than me.....but maybe he's into older women! And watching him do all those wrestling moves sure gets me all hot and sweaty. And was he or was he not 'killer sexy' in "Scorpion King"?

Calm down...........I'm not stupid.......... I'm perfectly aware that he doesn't even know I exist..... and even if he did, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that he wouldn't "want me"................but hey, a girl can dream, can't she.

And now I suppose you're all feeling sorry for my hubby, Rob. Well don't worry, I know my husband loves me, but he'd be the first to confess that he'd drop me too, (in a heartbeat) if his dream girl, Jennifer Aniston "wanted him".................(I'm not too worried about that, by the way!)

OK....I gotta go.........I'm gonna go get out my copy of "The Rundown" and go watch some WWE reruns .... (Can you smell what the rock is cooking!)

Photo of Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson

Here we try again...........

OK, so you know how about 2 weeks ago I told you how I was going to start my "big exercise, get fit, get healthy and hot program?" Well.......don't ask! It really didn't work out so hot for me!

SO....................I actually started my "big exercise, get fit for life program" THIS week instead of two weeks ago as planned....(simply because I bombed at it 2 weeks ago!) Does that really surprise you? So I got started again on Monday.........yes, I'm aware that it's only been one day(since it's only Tuesday)........but I'm feeling very positive this time and I've got some good friends supporting me in my efforts.

We've actually made up our own little "Chub Club 2009" to help us accomplish our goals.

Well, here's what it boils down to....

Yesterday I walked one mile. Today I walked one mile. I now have shin splints and it hurts to walk, period. I also have a blister on my heel. I did arm exercises (with weights) yesterday and today my arms are numb and I can't feel my shoulders. Yesterday I did sit-ups. Today it hurts to laugh and it pains me to bend at the waist.

Both yesterday and today I've eaten salads, boiled eggs, string cheese, 100 calorie Ritz snack mix, a turkey sandwich, and pickles. Alright, I'm already sick of salads, boiled eggs, string cheese, 100 calorie Ritz snack mix, turkey sandwiches, and pickles. I'm craving Cheeseburgers and Cheesecake. Take a deep breath, Jenny, be strong.......I know I can do this!

Why I want to lose weight and get fit and healthy:

1. I haven't been taking care of myself for the last 8 years and I'm feeling very unhealthy. My cholesterol is high and I need to start taking care of my body and health, (or I won't be around to enjoy the rest of my life or to enjoy watching my kids grow and live their lives.)

2. I simply need to lose weight. I don't fit into any of my clothes. It's not fun getting dressed anymore. I can't wear the fun girl outfits because I'm too fat. I seriously feel like I'm this 28 year old young hot babe trapped in a 43 year old saggy frumpy body.

3. I don't fit into my coyote ugly butt-less chaps quite the way I use to.

4. I would like to get my belly button pierced again.

And 5. I want to get a tattoo of Red Lips on my ASS! (my friend Heather told me she'd buy me my tattoo of Red Lips on my ass if I could lose 16 pounds in one month......wish me luck!)

Just so you know, I don't think she's too worried........my track record of losing weight and getting fit isn't too great......... My husband once told me he'd give me $1000.00 cash if I lost 30 pounds by Christmas, and I couldn't even do that!

Image by Fotosearch

A Long Time Ago............

One day, long, long ago........... there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch...........(that would be me....)

But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day. The End
Author unknown - Illustration by Kirk Luehrs