I'm a MORON - and I'll never win my $1000.00.......

OK………(like we haven’t been round and round this topic before)………(well, HUMOR ME, people!)....……I seriously need to lose weight!

You know that ‘$1000.00’ that HairyMan bet me about ME losing 30 pounds by June 1st………..well………….I DON’T even want to talk about it………( well…..maybe I DO )…………………I’M A MORON……..… Do you know that I haven’t lost ONE pound!? …(……..hellllloooooooooo………surprise…….)………oh yeah………I lost a couple of pounds (kudos to me) last month………but that victory was short-lived - because I gained it all back again! …….. not that that should really surprise you!?

………….Maybe I need an INTERVENTION…………….

First of all – it’s NOT like I’m OBSESSED with my weight and being thin and skinny again………(OK, maybe I am) ……but face it, it's like I'm this 'tiny-little-sexy-fun-girl' - who's stuck in this 'old-worn-out-hefty-over-sized-shell-of-a-body'.............and it's crampin' my style and it's starting to seriously piss me off ........and it's preventing me from being MY 'oh-so-cool-HOT-sexy-self'.......................BUT………helllooooo……..if I WAS obsessed – wouldn’t I BE THIN ………….. think about it…..…….it’s just that I can’t FIT into half of my clothes in my closet (which is depressing)………and those teeny little skinny bitches who walk by me every day.......well, seriously - I"m about ready to stick a pencil in their 'jugular' - if you know what I mean.................come on already.................eat a sandwich, will you.............…AND my weight IS taking a toll on my health (I'm starting to feel my age)…………trust me……..if you’ve been paying attention to my life, you’ll know that I’m a HAPPY person and my “Life is Good!”…………BUT – I do think I’d be just a little bit happier if I was in – lets see – into I size 9………………….SO – this is the problem, girlfriends:

……….helllooooo…………..I LOVE Cheeseburgers! …….by now you should know that……………and you should know how WEAK I am……(…..it’s not that you’ve just met me or something, right………..so try to keep up…………)……………OK, and ABOUT the ‘Alcohol’……..seriously, people………I like to drink!............which takes us to ‘Energy Drinks’….I’m seriously addicted! …………..yes, I know they aren’t healthy for me…….…(especially, when I add the Vodka)……….…but hey, what can I say………

I don’t think I realize how BIG I’m actually getting……………how many sizes that I’ve actually grew in the last 4 years…………….in my own little mind - I don’t think I look too big………(then I see myself in a snapshot or a video, and OMFreakin’HolyBeans………Is that me?).................(where the FREAK did that FAT woman come from and how did she get in my picture?)…….........….BUT seriously – shouldn’t the fact that my clothes don’t fit me any more – be a clue? AND……………have you SEEN me naked? (I look bad enough with my clothes ON, TRUST ME)....…….well, it gets a whole lot worse when I take my clothes off! I seriously look like someone’s ‘FRUMPY MOTHER’…………(and trust me, girlfriends – that isn’t the look I’m going for)……and seeing me NAKED isn’t an image you want embedded in your mind right now………..….

..........and the fact that I have NO DESIRE to work-out or do anything physical may have something to do with it (with me being fat and all)………… (I'm SORRY, Richard, if I don't want to jump around for 20-30 minutes to 'Sweatin' to the Oldies', while totally out of breath, dying of thirst, sweating to death, and peeing my pants) .......hhhelllllloooooooooo............NOT FUN........besides - jumping jacks or any type of jumping make me pee my pants............ jogging makes me pee my pants......even power walking makes me pee my pants.............intense exercise ............... you got it ................. I pee myself! ...................(But that's a whole 'NOTHER' POST! Please DON'T get me started on that problem!)

Well ………the good news is that I haven’t GAINED any weight in a month………….(and I know you’ve heard this before)………but TODAY'S the day that I turn over a 'NEW LEAF' in my life!

It doesn’t matter how old I am, that’s NO excuse…………I wanna be a HOT MAMA again! My birthdays in May and I’ll be 44 years old - in exactly 32 days - and there is NO reason (NO REASON) that I CAN'T look and feel ‘freakin’ Fabulous, OK?

Well - NOW that I've gotten myself all ‘RILED UP'…………..and NOW that I'm about ready to SHOVE a 'Kielbasa' down some 'Skinny Models' throat..............

I’ll keep you posted on my progress…………..wish me luck!

Photo courtesy of the Internet.

Have You Ever, Wednesday..........

HAVE YOU EVER been helping your husband remodel your basement .................and the both of you are drinking the SAME kind of beer............................ and he sets his beer down by you....................and you pick it up - by mistake.................thinking that it must be yours (and you're REALLY thirsty and you need a drink)........................you take a HUGE gulp.....................and what you thought was cold beer doesn't taste like beer at all....................it turns out to have a 'cherry taste' to it.........and it's chunky and slimy...............BECAUSE..................... unbeknown st to you -your husband has been carrying around 2 cans ....................ONE - full of cold fresh BEER......................and the OTHER one that he's been using as a 'spit-cup' .................because he 'CHEWS' (aka: smokeless tobacco.................you know................) ...............................and you've just now taken a hefty drink of his 'Skoal Spit'.................................gag........cough..............puke..................

Well, have you? Have you ever drank your husbands SPIT?

Photo courtesy of the Internet/ Cherry Skoal

Tuesdays Blonde Joke of the Day............

Tuesdays Blonde Joke of the Day.............

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

It Could Happen...................

Things that COULD happen to me today:



I COULD find a secret staircase behind a bookcase in my living room which leads to a secret room where I find a magic lamp in which a genie appears and grants me three wishes............

OR................I COULD be savagely attacked by a rabid coyote while walking out to my mailbox to get the mail...........

OR...........I COULD be one of those women who DOESN'T know she's been pregnant the last 8-9 months and I COULD all of a sudden give birth while sitting on the toilet trying to take a poop..........

OR.......I COULD get stabbed in the eye with a fork by an escaped convict named 'Franco' who I pick up hitchhiking on my way to work this morning

..................hellllooooooo...................IT could happen.........................
Photo courtesy of the Internet

I have Maggots in my Mouth and NO - I didn't sleep with Tiger!

Random little things I need to get off my chest today……



WHAT - THE - FREAK - is up with my DREAMS lately? ................................here I am - just about ready to kiss 'Dwayne' ................you know?..........my boyfriend?............The Rock?............Dwayne Johnson?................just about to kiss Dwayne ........(........cause' you know how he's HOT for me and wants me in a BAD way)...........well......... we're about to have a major 'make-out' session (in my dream)......(which would probably involve 'French Kissing' and other GOOD stuff............)..............(Dwayne and me)...........and MAGGOTS and WORMS start falling out of my NOSE and MOUTH ..........helllooooooo................................. (well I'm certainly NOT going to kiss him NOW)........................ DAMMIT!……………(what a waste of a good dream).............…who dreams this kind of SH_T?............................ apparently, I have issues!

AND..........While other bloggers think it’s absolutely necessary to post EVERY day ............I am simply NOT one of them! ………I CAN’T do it! ……….. So don’t expect it! …………….…………just deal with it!

AND..........can someone please tell 'Lady Gaga' to put some D_MN clothes on.................

AND..............Is it just me?........................can someone explain to me HOW THE FREAK did 'Taylor Hicks' WIN the fifth season of American Idol? (.................so he can play the harmonica and clap his hands............)...........................What the Hell!?...........................



AND.........................I ABSOLUTELY HATE being on my PERIOD right now! …………….walking around all day with a ‘Canoe’ between my legs and/ or a ‘Popsicle’ up my “WHO-HA”…. SUCKS! (.........need I say more?......................)



AND......................................... I DIDN'T sleep with Tiger!

Photo of "THE ROCK" taken from the internet.

My Kegals are paying off................

My BFF – JOY ……..(You know……..Joy Stark? ……from Til’ Death………..my BEST FRIEND?)...........……..we were drinking ‘Vodka Martinis’ last week at lunch……......……talking about the things we always talk about………….dissin’ ugly people and making fun of stupid people……………and she said, “Jenny, you look awesome today.” …...........…..and I said, “Whhhaaatttt?”………...........and she said, “Really, Jenny, you look fabulous. Your butt looks SO ‘Hot” in those jeans!”………........…..and I said, “GET OUT! You think so?”………………and she said, “Yes, you need to wear your ‘Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps’ more often!” ………….......……and I said, “AWESOME! Thanks for noticing! I've been doing a lot of KEGALS, lately...........You're a GREAT friend, Joy!"

................and you SEE, girlfriends..........this is WHY Joy and I are SUCH good friends!

Photo of Joy and I taken last week at lunch.

Hells Toilets...........

I HATE using porta-poti's (aka: 'Hells Toilets')................

...........but sometimes it's either use it or pee yourself...............I choose to use it! .....................(I pee myself too much already, remember?!) ...................well - the last time I used one ..........it was dark out...........really dark.................I mean........I really couldn't see..........ANYTHING.............with my pants bunched up around my knees (God forbid they should touch the floor of Hells Toilet)................. I steadied myself ...............hovered over the toilet......................... (God forbid my butt should come in contact with the 'dirty-germ-infested-Satan-seat')............to do my 'business' (pee, that is).....................well, what do you know....................... the seat was down.............isn't that just dandy...........................(you know what happens when you hover over a toilet and pee with the lid down?).....................the pee runs all over down your legs and all over your pants............................so basically - I peed all over myself!
Photo courtesy of the internet.

I'm confused...........

OK.............I'm confused (surprise.........).......................I could've swore I had 24 followers last week..............and now I have 23! What happened - I ask you? Maybe I never had 24...........maybe I dreamt it .......................Maybe I imagined it! ......................OK........................I know things like this happen in "Blogland" ..........but it's the first time I've lost a follower....................................and the bad thing is that I can't for the life of me figure out who left me..........................I understand that we will lose followers from time to time, but what bothers me the most, is that I don't know who 'un-followed' me. Is that a bad thing?

Photo courtesy of the internet.

I'm BURPING UP MOLD & I think I have a TAPEWORM!

Yesterday I ate onion roll-ups on the way to work. I burped up onions all morning long…………can you say “ONION BREATH?” …………so the burping went on all morning till I popped a VIVARIN…………then I started BURPING UP MOLD…………………(evidently, ONION plus VIVARIN equals MOLD).........not a good taste, BY THE WAY………….……..

I heard that Scientists say the higher your I.Q. – the more you dream…………hellloooooooo………….did you read my post last month, regarding my dreaming? .........Yes, I DREAM - Like EVERY NIGHT..........who woulda' thunk it.......... http://mylifeasjenny.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-name-is-jennyand-im-dreamer.html (.............well - it really doesn't surprise me that I'm a lot smarter than I thought I was!)

I also heard that a person remains conscious for eight seconds after being decapitated………….and we know this HOW?.........and why the FREAK would we want to know this...............this just reinforces my feelings that the world SCARES ME!

Oh, and yesterday afternoon - I had stomach issues.............I mean - BAD stomach issues...................I think it was the HAM from my 'onion roll-ups'...........(NOTE TO SELF: Don't eat the HAM!)..............But, it might have been a "TAPEWORM"............movin' around inside me..........which really grosses me out when I think about it...............(the thought of live things living inside me really freaks me out)..........I mean.......don't worms multiply.............and then they'll travel to my head through my veins and start eating my brain...............(I really can't afford to start losing brain cells......if you know what I mean).................I don't like to think about rather I have tapeworms or not.........although if I had a tapeworm, wouldn't I be skinny..............(probably not a tapeworm, then)...............I haven't had a stomach ache in like - forever................I seriously was waiting for an ALIEN to rip out of my stomach.............like some spaceship horror movie gone wild..................and I looked pregnant.......(yeah, I was pregnant, that's it)...........yeah, that would explain a lot .............like why I'm FAT........ helllloooooo........or why I wanna eat constantly............and why my stomach felt like it had something LIVE moving around in it...............BUT as I sat patiently waiting to give birth in the porcelain tower last night - I can assure you that I wasn't pregnant...............(if you know what I mean!) NO MORE HAM FOR ME!
Photo Courtesy of the Internet

I Collect Coloring Books and I HATE Garden Gnomes.......

In case you're new to my site.........here's a few things you should know about me:

I'm over 40, a wife and mother of 3........ I collect Tequila bottles, coloring books, pez dispensers and bar coasters. I'd love to be thin and hot again one day, but realistically, that's probably not going to happen. I love reading. I make jewelry. I like bird houses and bird feeders. I’m seriously addicted to energy drinks and Vivarin. I have a huge phobia of being mauled by a bear! I’m afraid of clowns and I HATE garden gnomes. I have a little Yorkshire terrier named “Max” who loves to pee all over my house. Everyone who knows me knows I have an incontinence problem. I spend a lot of time making a fool out of myself, and I'm not afraid to look stupid and do stupid things. I love Cheeseburgers! I know the "Thriller Dance!" I like to drink cocktails or have a cold beer on occasion, but I can assure you that I do not have a drinking problem. You will notice that I talk a lot about my "coyote ugly butt-less chaps." My alter-ego has a name, and we call her "Venus." I spend a lot of my time talking about absolutely NOTHING! I very seldom get embarrassed! I'm hopelessly in love with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and someday I will open my own "Coyote Ugly" bar so I can dance on the bar in my "Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps!" :):)

For more information regarding me and my life, you can visit two of my past posts:

http://mylifeasjenny.blogspot.com/2009/07/25-random-things-about-me.html http://mylifeasjenny.blogspot.com/2009/08/little-about-myself.html

I'm Freezing, The Birds are Inner-Mingling, and My Thumb is Raw....

Today I’m full of ANXIETY………I don’t know why (I haven’t even had any Red Bull or Vivarin today) ................ I just can’t sit still…………maybe the fact that the sun is shining yet ANOTHER day in a row and I’m cooped up inside my little cubicle...…..freezing to death………because my boss insists on keeping it about 40 degrees in this office! (Yes, remember my boss that carries the ‘man purse’ ……..that’s the one……….)

I’m watching the birds outside eating the suet and frolicking absentmindedly amongst themselves and I’m waiting for one of them to lose their sense of flight and come crashing thru the window and scare the ‘FREAK’ out of me……..…….and for the last couple of days - I’ve been seeing a cardinal paying a little TOO much ATTENTION to a Chickadee and I’m beginning to think they’re having an AFFAIR………because they’re spending way TOO MUCH time together and getting a little TOO close to one another – if you know what I mean……………………

I’ve got a pimple on my chin that looks like ‘Mount St Helens’ and despite all my picking and squeezing, I’m sure it’s gonna erupt ANY moment and spray ‘Pimple Puss’ all over everything……and everyone ……….(get out your goggles and raincoats people…..it’s gonna be worse than sitting in the front row of a Gallagher show……..)

I ate all the skin off of one side of my RIGHT thumb yesterday so now that side is all ‘raw and fleshy and throbbing’……and every time I use the SPACEBAR on my keyboard an ‘eye blinding pain’ shoots up the side of my thumb into my wrist and I go numb………….so I’m trying to

type – using my LEFT thumb to operate the spacebar instead off my RIGHT thumb…………..and I’m starting to get PISSED off……….do you know how hard it is to type using only ONE THUMB?

Now I have a headache................

That's not a Man Purse, is it?

Conversation this morning with my boss as he walked down the stairs of our office struttin' his "Man Purse":

Me: "You've got to be kidding me.................Is that a Man Purse?"

Boss: "No, it's a satchel.......Indian Jones has one...."

(.....ok, so he DIDN'T really say THAT - but I thought it would be funny if he had.....so I figured I'd add it to the conversation!)

Boss: "No, it's a European Satchel. I got it while vacationing in Australia."

Me: "What the freak do you carry in that thing anyway? You're a man......what could you possibly have to carry around with you.......let's see...........your wallet, wet ones maybe......... an eyeglass cleaner kit........." (..........hmmmmm......)

Boss: (as he proceeds to empty it on my desk) "Well, I've got my checkbook, my camera, my lotion........."

Me: "Lotion?...............what the H_LL do you need lotion for? (..........did I say that out loud?..............OMLord...........please don't answer that..........)

Boss: "I need hand cream after I work with the dry wall all day long in my little house."

...........(me staring at him with this stupid look on my face)............hmmmmm........................whatever...............

Boss: "In Australia, they call them European Satchels."

Me: "I don't care what they call them in Europe or Australia - in the States, they call them Man Purses!"

"You don't have a 'Fanny Pack' do you?"

Boss: "NO - I don't have a Fanny Pack!"

Me: "Good thing............cause' I wouldn't wanna start having to make fun of ya, or anything!"

Photos courtesy of the internet............

Tuesdays Blonde Joke of the Day.....

There was a bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie, the magic mirror would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and it sucked her in.

A trip to the Restroom.....

This post is actually an e-mail that I recieved today from a good friend and I wanted to share it with you ....................actually I've read this story a few times.....and I laugh my butt off everytime I read it. This is such a true story and I'm sure EVERY woman can relate! I'd love to take credit for this hilarious story - but I can't! I'm not sure who to give credit to - but whoever wrote this funny story - she deserves an award! It's been around a while.......enjoy............

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom , no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.' In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream..........as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT ....... It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.' By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
Photo courtesy of the internet ......Author of the hilarious story - Unknown

It's Janet Jackson Day on the ole' YouTube channel............

TGIF, girlfriends… (Fridays are my favorite day of the week – in case you didn’t know!)
..................helllooooo................3 O'clock Sparks time............remember? (Try to keep up................)

Today I’m working and singing along to Janet Jackson ………Yes, it's Janet Jackson day on the ole' YouTube channel............................she happens to be one of my FAVORITE entertainers of all time……(…and yes….of course - she has earned a special place on my ‘YouTube’ playlist)…………..….not only is she a BEAUTIFUL talented women………… I LOVE her voice and LOVE her songs ...............(some of my favorites include ‘IF’, ‘Clap Your Hands’, "Special' and ‘2Nite’)………………actually - a lot of her songs are pretty NAUGHTY .............(but we won't talk about that.....just don't listen to the words, and you'll be alright)................But aside from that “SuperBowl XXXVIII halftime show debacle” with her wardrobe ‘tit’ malfunction………she pretty much rocks! ……………… I blame the whole thing on Justin, of course…………he’s a WAD!.............HE probably led her astray with his ‘Wicked Ways’… (I have a cousin ................who will remain nameless ........... MARY...................) that does that to me all the time……..(lead me astray with her wicked ways, that is!)

Janet’s come a long way since ‘Good Times’ and she’s the SAME AGE as me (actually 14 days younger than me) .................hey (I just thought of something).............maybe I should call her up and see if she wants to be friends with me and Joy (you know - Joy Stark - from Til Death?)........................……….yeah, I know - you're wondering why the H_LL Janet would want to be friends and hang out with me and my make believe best friend, Joy................hellllooooooooo……….....we're both the same age.................we're both hot and awesome looking........................well.............maybe Janet looks a LITTLE better than me right now.................OK....A LOT ‘Younger and Hotter’ than me right now…………(thanks for pointing that out)……...........well, hellllooooo……...................I'm not like - a kazillionaire....OK?.....................if I had all that money, I’d look phenomenal, too!

I’m sitting here thinking that I only have 2 ½ more months to lose 30 pounds…...............(I'm pretty muched DOOMED - You think?……I originally lost 4 pounds………..yeah……………….BUT THEN I gained 8 pounds) so I actually weigh MORE NOW than I did since beginning this race to $1000.00, by the way!) I’m pathetic! (HairyMan bet me $1000.00 that I couldn't lose 30 pounds by June 1st - if you haven't been paying attention.)

So far................NOT so good (I need to think of a way to keep myself away from those damn CHEESEBURGERS!

I sat on a Banana, my lips are chapped and I hate Macy Gray!

OMGosh.....here's how my days going so far:

First of all I SAT on a BANANA this morning ..........it was in the seat of my car as I sat down.........(on second thought - let's not even TALK about THAT right now!)

I think I pulled a muscle in my eye.......it started hurting last night.......(how that

happened - I'm not quite sure..........) .......but my RIGHT EYE hurts when I LOOK out of it..................which has been happening all day - so far (looking out of it - that is)..........it's a little INCONVENIENT for me right now.....................................SERIOUSLY! (NOTE TO SELF: I need to buy an 'Eye Patch!')

My lips are CHAPPED...........they're all scaly and peeling.......they feel like I rubbed them on sand paper all night..........they pretty much look like SH_T right now................. (I don't think I've EVER had chapped lips in my ENTIRE LIFE) ........................ (NOTE TO SELF: Buy Chap stick...............Immediately!)

OH Yeah.......and I ate 6 donuts on the way to work this morning............and washed them down with 2 quarts of cranberry juice!

And I've decided that I seriously dislike "Macy Gray!"

OMGauwd...........I just walked by a mirror and caught a glance at myself...........my lips look like swollen clown lips with 3rd degree burns.............and I think my right eye is now larger than my left eye right now...............and I've now got a nervous twitch ....................are you kidding me....................

Actually, I'm not feeling too well today...........it could be the donuts that I inhaled on my way to work....................or it could be from all the envelopes that I've been licking all morning............(you know.........the glue?).............(I'm definitely calling in sick tomorrow!)

RIP: Corey Haim: 1971 - 2010

Have You Ever Wednesday

Have you ever been SO DRUNK that you played “Bocce Balls’ .........................out in the middle of your front yard

………….out in plain site.......................for the entire world to see..............totally NAKED………in the middle of the day?



Photo courtesy of the internet

Dear Jules.............

Dear Jules.................. I'm dumping you! I have a new Best Friend, now! .............

You've been way too busy plastering her real estate ads on the sides of buses, benches and grocery carts.............and you haven't been devoting enough time toward our friendship...............I also decided you're hanging out with your ex-husband, Bobby, too much, and to tell you the truth, I was getting sick of Ellie and Laurie, fighting all the time - and always having to hang out with us...................heelllllooooo....... I NEED attention, girlfriend!...........so quit calling me, Jules..............we're NOT getting back together! .......................Well, not unless you wanna set me up with your neighbor, Grayson! (.....because he's HOT!.................and then I may forgive you..............................and we can be friends again!)

But I'd have to talk to Joy...................my new Best Friend - Joy ................Joy Stark (you know.........from 'Til Death')...............my new friend that I dumped you for..................(she doesn't know that I'm her best friend ...........and that I'm stalking her, but I am).....................hey...........in my LITTLE world - we're best friends, OK?............ (and we get along great..........and we like to 'hang out'..........) she's married to Eddie (you know - Eddie Stark..........the big guy)............and Joy and I have a LOT more in common than you and I ever did! And she pays MORE attention to me!..................helllloooooo........I NEED attention!

Joy and me both love Vodka (we drink in morning, noon and night.............we fill our ice cube trays with it and carry flasks in our purses) Joy and I are both married to hairy men ......and we love them (even tho we think they're idiots...and they drive us nuts) Joy and I have big boobs...............(Jules - face it.............you haven't really been blessed in that area.......Sorry, girlfriend.) Joy and I both THINK we're hotter than we actually are .....(Jules - you've got to admit that YOU ARE Hotter than most people.) Joy and I both like to be the center of attention! (Face it Jules...........everywhere we went YOU were always getting MORE attention than me!)

Well - that's it, Jules............sorry we can't be friends anymore.................I mean, I guess we can be friends - just not BFF's!

PS.........I've changed my number - so don't try to call me!

Photos courtesy of the internet

Blonde Joke Tuesday

Blonde Joke of the Day:

A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

I Don't Feel Too Good........

This week at work I’m in charge of sending letters to some of our current customers. So, needless to say – I’ll be mail merging, folding letters, stuffing and ‘LICKING’ envelopes all week. (Yes – I prefer to lick the 1500 letters that need to be mailed opposed to using the little water sponges or ‘licker devises’ that technology has come up with)….……..it tends to go faster just using my tongue and my own saliva………..AND YES…I know, I know…….…I’m well aware of the URBAN LEGENDS that speak of dead rats at the bottom of the glue barrel in the factories………and the fact that the factories use whatever water is handy to thin out the glue, which would include old mop water and human urine………(are you kidding me) …….…and how a woman cut her tongue on an envelope that was infested with roach eggs and days later her tongue became swollen and started to shake and later exploded due to the baby roaches hatching in her tongue………………(simply impossible – by the way)…….

The fact that the glue is starting to make me SICK is what’s really bothering me…..I’m not feeling too good right now………..starting to feel faint and dizzy - due to the 800 envelopes that I’ve licked so far…….hopefully I don’t die from glue poisoning like Susan, George's fiancé, did on that episode of Seinfeld. (Susan, George’s fiancé died from cheap envelope glue after George buys cheap wedding invitations.)

I'll keep you posted if I live thru all this envelope licking business.................

(Pholo courtesy of Seinfeld - Learn from George's fiancee: never buy the cheap envelopes.)

Have You Ever Wednesday

Now that I'm getting into this blogging thing...........I'm creating a new post for Wednesdays.............it will be called "Have You Ever Wednesday"......... So ...........here is the first installment: .............(and yes I know that it's Thursday today, BUT I forgot to do this yesterday.........so this weeks rendition is TODAY instead of YESTERDAY..........I'll get it right starting next week! On Wednesday!

Have you ever baked your husband a cake while he was at work……........……then ate half of it…….......…….and you didn’t want him to know that you ate HALF a cake………........……so you ate the OTHER half of the cake…….......…….and then you washed the pan………….......….because you didn’t want your husband to know you ate an ENTIRE cake…………..and you never told him you made a cake!

(..........is it any wonder I'm FAT!?..............hhhellllllooooooo..........)

Photo courtesy of the internet.

Dear Daughter.......Don't Break the Rules!

The following is an actual e-mail that I sent to my 20 year old daughter today in regards to her going to Florida for Spring Break next week with 4 of her friends from college.............and me being the 'anal' mother that I am......there are rules that need to be followed during their unsupervised Spring Break adventure ...............because of course I won't sleep at all until I know her and her 3 friends have made it back home safely. She was instructed to forward the e-mail to her 3 travel friends...................

Dear Daughter:

Rules that Daughter, 'Friend 1', 'Friend 2' and 'Friend 3' MUST follow while on Vacation in Florida: (PER MOM!)

READ THE RULES! SAY THEM OVER AND OVER IN YOUR HEADS! NEVER FORGET THE RULES!
MEMORIZE THE RULES! (STRAYING from these rules ARE NOT PERMITTED! ……….under NO circumstances!)
(If you ‘stray’ from the rules – you will be severely punished and grounded when you get home!.......All Of You!)

Yes……………………there will be a test! (You think I’m kidding, don’t you………….) HA!

Rule #1) Don’t talk to strangers.

Rule #2) If you must talk to strangers, (only in an emergency), NEVER trust them…………if they are Men – remember - all they want to do is “Get you Naked” and have their way with you, SO BEWARE!

Rule #3) You all must watch “TAKEN” (the action/adventure movie starring Liam Neeson and Maggie Grace) before leaving on your Florida adventure! And you must watch it at least twice! (Former government operative Bryan Mills begins the longest 96-hours of his life--and the hunt for the fearsome organization that has taken his daughter Kim. Mills had only recently given up his government career as what he calls a "preventer" to be near Kim, who lives with Bryan's ex-wife Lenore and her new husband. To make ends meet, Bryan joins some former colleagues for special security details (like guarding a pop diva), but most of his time and energy are spent re-connecting with Kim. Bryan's familial goal is nearly derailed when Kim requests his permission to spend time in Paris with a friend. All too aware of the dangers that could lie ahead for Kim in a foreign land, Bryan says no, but Kim's disappointment leads him to very reluctantly relent. Bryan's worst fears are realized when Kim and her friend Amanda are suddenly abducted--in broad daylight--from the Paris apartment at which they've just arrived. Moments before Kim is dragged away by the as yet unseen and unknown assailants, she manages to phone Bryan, who begins to expertly piece together clues that will take him to the darkness of Paris's underworld, and to the City of Light's plushest mansions. He will face nightmares worse than anything he experienced in black ops--and let nothing and no one stop him from saving his daughter.)
You all must LEARN from this movie – oh young ones…………

Rule #4) If you choose to forget the RULES and you decide to trust some HOT guy that says he is your friend – Remember – HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!...................He is a Maniacal KILLER! ………………..he means only to Beat you – Rape you and Torture you! It will not be fun and you will have wished you would have followed the rules! He will cut your body in tiny pieces and feed the sharks with you! ...........Remember this! (You may never be found!)

Rule #5) I am only a phone call away……. Moms Home Phone #: 616-XXX-XXXX
Moms Cell #: 616-XXX-XXXX..............................Call me anytime for any reason! You are to call me simply to let me know that you haven’t been abducted by a maniacal killer who has murdered you with his machete or chainsaw! (If 12 Hours pass and I DO NOT hear from you – KNOW that I will PANIC! (My daughter will vouch for this! …….trust me!) Rest assured that I will then call your immediate families…………. and then call the local authorities as to your whereabouts! (Trust me – I will!) They will start a state wide search as to where you are……..

Rule #6) Do not trust ANYONE! Remember Natalie Holloway? SHE TRUSTED! And the outcome was TERRIBLE and TRAGIC! (A MOTHERS WORSE NIGHTMARE!) (Natalee Ann Holloway (born October 21, 1986) disappeared on May 30, 2005, during a high school graduation trip to Aruba. Holloway was scheduled to fly home later on May 30, but failed to appear for her flight. She was last seen by her classmates outside a nightclub, in a car with locals. Investigators conducted extensive searches, but these searches were unsuccessful……..Natalee has never been found.) ……….. BEWARE! (Again – refer to Rule #2 and Rule #4!)

Rule #7) Always be on the ‘Buddy System!’ ………….never isolate yourself from your “Vacation Friend Pack!” …………..remember “Safety in Numbers!” …………..if one of your fellow vacation friends decide to go out on their own ………………….Red Alert!!!!!!! Absolutely under ANY circumstances – DO NOT let this happen! Never leave a ‘Fellow Vacation Buddy’ home alone – or at a party – or at the bar……………….Jogging alone on the beach – NO! ................One of you walking to the gas station alone – NO!.........................Remember – Red Alert! Never let your ‘Vacation Buddy’ wander by herself! ……………..No good can come of this! (And I would expect your “Fellow Vacation Friends’ to do the same for you!) You are a TEAM – and your sole purpose (other than getting a kick-ass Tan) is to keep each other SAFE!

Rule #8) If you find yourself at a party or at a bar or at a gathering with people other than yourselves (which -by the way - is not advised) ………..NEVER…………I repeat NEVER…………..put down your drink! Always keep an eye on your drink, your glass, your can of soda (surely you won’t be drinking.) Remember - MEN will slip something into your drink (while you are not looking) and it could lead to BAD THINGS! Have you ever heard of the ‘Date Rape’ drug? Again – refer to Rule #2, Rule #4 and Rule #6!

All kidding aside, ladies – Please Be Safe! Don’t do anything STUPID! Your parents, family and friends love you back home and will worry about you in your travels! Have fun!

I love you,
MOM!

P.S. This e-mail will be featured on my Blog tonight!

Photos courtesy of the internet

Blonde Joke of the Day

One day a blonde felt very hungry so she walked into the nearest building that she could find...............she went up to the counter and asked the lady...... "Can I please have a cheese burger, fries, and a diet coke?"

The lady at the counter said.............."Ma'ma this is a library."

"Ohhhhh,.......okay...........sshhhhh ..................."I'll have a cheese burger, fries, and a diet coke." the blonde then whispered.

Where have I been, you ask?

I’m SURE you’ve all been wondering what’s been going on with me – in my world - since I haven’t posted in awhile! ………………you’ve probably been wondering if I’ve been deathly ill with an incurable disease (that must have started with the witch-wart on my face)….………..…. or wondering if I got into a bad car accident on the way to the ‘Coyote Ugly Bar’, got amnesia and forgot all about my life of blogging …………..or maybe the evil garden gnomes finally killed me in my sleep with their machetes, garden shovels and hammers, cut me up in little pieces, buried me in my basement, and no one has been able to find me and as we speak, there’s a mass search that the FBI is conducting as to my whereabouts……………..OR.................... maybe the love of my life, Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson finally confessed his un-dying love for me, flew me away on his private jet to his private island, “VENUS” (which, of course, he named after me) where he lets me parade around in my ‘Coyote Ugly Buttless Chaps’ all day – so he can check out my fabulous rear-end - and the two of us are going to live happily ever after!

Well, none of those things happened.................helllooooooooo...............and if the truth be told………….."I’VE BEEN BUSY" , girlfriends! Yes, I do have a life………..and sometimes……..yes, sometimes………… HairyMan (that's what I call my husband - in case you forgot.......................try to pay attention, ladies) decides to keep me busy on the weekends, which keeps me from getting on-line……………….AND “NO” – not with activities that involve “crazy-wild-monkey-sex-apaids”……………gross…………..

Actual things that kept me from Blogging this weekend are as follows:
1.) Laundry…….about 7 loads of it – to be exact…..and I’m still not done (how on earth 2 people can dirty so many clothes………. is beyond me………….)
2.) I took naps……..evidently, sleeping is more important to me than talking to 'you people'……..
3.) HairyMan took me out to eat ‘3 times’ this weekend (is it any wonder I’m FAT!?)
4.) Ripped out the floor and installed new carpeting in our hallway……yep, just HairyMan and me……..and it looks awesome – just so you know.
5.) Gave Maximus a bath………(which took about 2 minutes – so I guess I really can’t count that)
6.) HairyMan took me to the theater for popcorn and a movie…………..we seen ‘Wolfman’ – by the way.

There it is – in a nutshell………..I really can’t think of anything else worth mentioning that kept me off the computer this weekend. (Not that any of the above excuses were worth mentioning, but hey…………..it’s my blog – I can rant about whatever I want!)