Sunflower Seeds and Dirty *SS!

All of a sudden, I’m seriously addicted to sunflower seeds!  Having never really ate them before, I was introduced to them 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t stopped eating them since…....… I’m really into sucking all the salt off them, then trying to open the little suckers up to find the little treasure hiding inside...................... Altho, now I’ve gotten a sliver lodged in my gum and I almost choked to death on a sharp outer shell that I accidentally swallowed.

HairyMan told me that my car smelled like ‘dirty ass’ AGAIN…………what the freak is up with that? What’s he think I do? Get in there naked and rub my dirty butt all over the upholstery and dash? ……….seriously……..enough all ready with the ‘dirty ass’ comments, please!

The Thriller Dance, Megan Fox and "Where the 'Freak' are my 'Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps'?"

Random Thoughts for Today.........
1.) I haven’t popped a vivarin in about 2 months….aren’t you proud of me! (….altho, I have been drinking a lot more coffee lately……………)

2.) I seriously need to start practicing the ‘Thriller Dance’ so that the next time l feel the need to perform the dance in front of the entire bar – I can at least remember the moves and be ready ………thus, preventing me from making a complete fool out of myself.

3.) ………………………hellllooooo…………….Megan Fox………we don’t care if you’re single or who you’re dating (Brian Austin Green) or that you have a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on your arm or that you have messed up thumbs..……………just when we think you can’t get any dumber…….you get FIRED from ‘Transformers’ (like – the greatest thing that’s ever happened to you in the ‘movie-star world’)…………..seriously……… Get over yourself!

4.) The next time I feel the urge to eat a Hot Fudge Sundae, I’m going to go put on my bathing suit and look in the mirror……………………

5.) Does it mean that the ‘Honeymoon’s Over’ when the Groom starts ‘rating his farts on a scale of 1 to 10’? (Seriously HairyMan, I’m not in the least bit interested in whether your fart broke the sound barrier or not!)

6.) I’ve decided that laying out in the sun and trying to get a suntan is a lot more fun when you’re thin, sporting a belly ring and wearing a bikini…………………… than when you’re fat and you look like a beached whale - sunning yourself on the beach.

7.) I just remembered that I still don’t know where my ‘Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps’ are…………… (….and I may need them this summer….)

8.) I have 5 days to lose 28 pounds and HairyMan will give me $1000.00! (…what do ya think?.............personally, I think I’m screwed!)

(Actual Photo of 'Yours Truly' doing the Thriller Dance in the Bar!)

Blonde Joke Tuesday.....

This one comes compliments of a friend:

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.

She did this several times and her neighbour that was watching her said: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

"Reflexes of a Cat", "Super Human Powers" and making out with Dwayne!

I was lucky enough to be able to spend some 'quality time' with my daughter this last weekend..............and it's amazing what you learn from 'your children' these days.............so..........I thought I'd share some interesting facts that I WAS NOT aware of ............UNTIL NOW:

1.) Apparently, my daughter seems to think she's got what SHE CALLS...."Reflexes of a Cat!" (whatever that means.............)

2.) I learned that when you are a poor college students, when it comes to partying …. the main philosophy is to get drunk QUICK and CHEAP!  (..............say hello to shots of  'Cheap Vodka'.........)


3.)  Apparently, my daughter never knew that I spent time in JAIL!  (.........remember the night I was dressed as "I Dream of Jeanie" passed out in my car and I puked on the cops boots.............remember that story?)   Well, I guess I THOUGHT SHE KNEW! ............here I am talking about the story and here she is - like - "MOM? You spent time in JAIL?"    .....OOPS!

.............which leads us to..................

Number 4.) Looks like I wasn't as great as mother as I thought I was (after all these years)...............seeings how (according to her story) I used to leave her and her brother home with a babysitter who locked them in their rooms, let them watch the movie "IT" ...................and ....................one time when a babysitter called me home one night, because my daughter had fell and split her head open........well, apparently all that my daughter can remember now is - how mad I was because I had to come home early!  (........now .........I don't really think these things happened........isn't it obvious that my daughter is making these things up and trying to make me feel bad after all of these years?!) 

AND 5.) When it comes to 'Super Human Powers', my daughter would rather be able to 'FLY' - rather than have the ability to 'Teleport'.    Trust me - I TRIED to talk her into teleporting (..........MY 'Super Human Power' of choice, just so you know........) but she REFUSED to listen..... despite all my warnings and downfalls of flying.   The conversation kinda went like this:

"Brooke, have you ever thought that you might be flying high - up in the air...........and helllllllooooooooooo............it could start raining!   (...ever think of that?)  Or.....what about luggage?  What are you gonna do?  Carry it all while your flying?.................and have you ever thought you may get hit by an airplane?................. seriously......................................now look at it at MY point of view..........maybe I'm about to get savagely attacked by a bear .....well, all I have to do is use my teleportation powers.....and presto - I disappear and the bear would never know what hit em'  ................ OR.........maybe I have an urge to know what my boyfriend (Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson) is doing right now .........well all I have to do is twitch my nose and there I am....standing in the bathroom in front of the shower....listening to the water run and I can see his silhouette in the shower (behind the clouded glass) ....all by himself, lathering himself and I could..................................WELL?   You see where I'm going with this, Right?"

(Well, apparently, my daughter did not!)  She would rather fly thru a thunderstorm, soaking wet and CARRYING her luggage - than pull a 'Samantha on Bewitched' and be making out with Dwayne naked in a shower!)   (Maybe she was adopted!)

Thank You, Thank You!

I've noticed that I have a few NEW followers to my blog that have joined quite recently...................  SO......I thought I'd let you in on a little about me and my blog :

1.)  First of all, a big THANK YOU to everyone who decides to follow me.......... I really do appreciate the ATTENTION (.........because I LOVE to be the center of attention, in case you haven't quite picked up on that yet................................try to keep up, will you?)   

The fact that YOU find me funny and want to stick around to get to know me and keep in touch is quite flattering!  (I get all bubbly inside just thinking about it!  ............... Really I do! ................. In fact I almost peed myself just now!)

2.)  Being a part-time blogger makes it hard for me to post daily, and I sometimes find it difficult to check my messages on a daily basis.............BUT................."I PROMISE" to ALWAYS reply back - if you decide to comment on my blog!  (................either on the SAME post or to you personally, when I come snooping around YOUR blog!)

3.)  You'll find that some of my posts are better than others................hellllloooooooo...........isn't that the same with EVERY blog?   (Those of you who have been around a while should know that you JUST CAN'T expect TOO MUCH out of me!)

4.)  You'll see that my posts are ALWAYS about ME!   (......seriously........if you've been paying attention at all, the 'name of my blog ' should've given THAT away first thing............helllllloooooooooo........)  

5.)  My blog is meant to be funny!  And my goal is to make you 'giggle' once in awhile!  (.......so it wouldn't hurt you a little to humor me once in awhile, OK.......................so keep that in mind.......) 

6.)  I will NEVER mean to offend anyone!   I'm just a 40-something woman trying to KEEP UP with 'growing old' and you'll certainly learn a lot about me, if you stick around! 

 Again........I just wanted to say thank you to you all who have decided to 'be-friend me' in this big world of blogging!  You all make me very happy!  (........and I'm a heck of a lot more easy to get along with when I'm happy!     You'll have to trust me!) 

Blonde Joke Tuesday..........

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

The chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

The blonde man opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says "Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.

That weekend at the funeral, the italian and the chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."

And as the two wives stare at the blonde mans wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

Red Lips on my Butt, Hilary Duff, and I Clogged the Toilet......

Highlights Of My Day:


1.) Since I’m getting a tattoo this summer……(“red lips on my _SS”, for your information)……….SOMEONE (who will remain nameless)…….…(ur…..’Unknown Mami’) ……. says I should get a tattoo of a 'garden gnome'…….heelllloooooo……(has she not been paying attention to my posts?)......(...or is she just trying to get me riled up?)............…now I've got the creeps (thanks, Mami)…….and the shivers…….and I’m sure to have nightmares tonight just thinking of it! “Garden Gnome tattoo……..I THINK NOT!”


2.) Today was ‘Hilary Duff Day’ on the ole’ YouTube playlist ……..My favorite songs are ‘Who’s That Girl’, ‘Fly’, ‘So So Done’, and ‘Dangerous To Know’            (She’s such a little ‘cutie pa-tootie’…….)

3.) OK........I’ve lost ONE pound......yes ONLY ONE miserable pound……..(…….seriously…..in three weeks………)   Unless I lose another 29 pounds by June 1st - NO $1000.00 FOR ME……….I’m so pathetic!    At this rate I'll be THIN by......uh.......20 years.........uh.......and by then, I could be dead!    (What are the chances of me losing another 29 pounds in 19 days?!)   It’s NOT looking good, girlfriends!   Unless I magically ‘give birth’ to a baby between then and now!


And 4.)  (I’m saving the best for last)   Today I clogged the toilet at work………………and I mean REALLY clogged it……….(I’m not kidding, girlfriends)……….I spent 20 whole minutes in the bathroom plunging and the ‘Freakin’ thing overflowed twice……(I panicked, which apparently made it worse)……. there was POOP water all over……it was splashing all over me and getting all over the walls and floor. I should’ve known there was going to be a problem in the first place, because I was having a hard time poopin’ it out to begin with……………(I think it has to do with ‘Too Much Cheese” lately!) I e-mailed my boss (who happened to be out of the office - he gets his e-mails on his cell phone)……the message was as follows:

Bill (my boss):    Just so you know, I clogged the toilet here in the office……….I’ve been in there 20 minutes plunging and it’s overflowed twice. Apparently my poop was bigger than I thought it was. I don’t know what to do! Any ideas? (I think we’re gonna need a BIGGER PLUNGER!)   Jenny

That’s it for the day (so far)………..tell me about your day. Any poop problems?

Blonde Joke Tuesday.........

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my Gosh...... I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

It Could Happen Monday...........

I visited my parents this last weekend for Mothers Day, and with Spring in the Air, I happened to notice that they’ve got those Gosh Darn ‘Garden Gnomes’ strategically placed thru-out their flower beds again, despite my constant warnings. (Yeah – like I’m NOT going to notice them! ………..D*MN it, Margie!)    So with that in mind……I got to thinkin’:

I COULD go visit my mom and dad one weekend this summer. AND….I could TRY to IGNORE those evil ‘Dwarf-wanna-be’s’ positioned in my mothers gardens……I’d be – like- visiting with my parents and we would walk by the little demons, as my mother showed me her prize flowers…..and I could swear that their little ‘beady eyes’ would be following me ………

And all of a sudden something would catch my eye and I could swear that one ‘garden gnome with the red hat and the garden shovel’ was facing the East and not the West……….(ok….trying to put the image out of my mind and chalk it up to hallucinations, Jenny…..)

Later - night would come of course; we’d all go to bed… (Yeah, well…….everyone but me…)…..seriously, mom – how the heck am I supposed to fall asleep knowing the garden gnomes are secretly dancing around the yard plotting to do my harm!

I’d finally fall asleep and I would be awakened by the sound of my bedroom door opening………I’d open my eyes to the marching sound of little footsteps making their way from the doorway to my bed!     Sure enough - I would see the shadows in the darkness ....of little demon dwarfs with red hats... (there must’ve been at least 30 of them) ...climbing up the sides of my bed with pitch forks, garden machetes and little axes……I will not be able to move - due to fright - and so they will start attaching me with their miniature weapons of destruction. (I’ll be powerless against the little FREAKS…………you know the saying “Strength in Numbers” don't cha.........)

In the morning, my parents will enter my room to wake me up for breakfast and I will be gone……….having disappeared…….never to be found again.

And only the ‘Devil Gnomes’ in my mothers flower beds will know what became of me that night….

Well…………It could happen, people!

Somebody Thinks I'm Cool!....Can you believe it!?

I GOT AN AWARD......my first one......and I'm SO excited I about peed myself! 

Along with this award, there are some rules that have to be followed.  The rules are as follows: 
1. Thank the person who gave you this award.


2. Share 7 things about yourself.


3. Pass the award along to 5 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!


4. Contact the bloggers you've picked and let them know about the award.

A Special Thank You to my new friend Angie at "Like She's Somebody' at http://www.likeshessomebody.com/  for presenting me with this award!    She's my favorite friend right now.......Thank You, Angie!
Here are seven (7) things about me:
1.  I collect Tequila Bottles.   (I have 31 different bottles, so far.)
2.  I'm scared of 'Garden Gnomes'.  (They seriously FREAK me out!)
3.  I'm getting a tattoo this summer (Red Lips on my Butt!)...and I'm so excited about it!
4.  I just turned 44 years old this month and HairyMan got me a treadmill for my birthday!  (And I love it!)
5.  I love Cheeseburgers!
6.  I'm hopelessly in love with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson!
7.  I know how to do Michael Jackson's 'Thriller Dance'
 
I'm giving this award to the following bloggers....these women are funny, talented, creative and beautiful, (both inside and outside):
1. Sasha at 'Lemonade Makin' Mama' - http://www.lemonademakinmama.com/
2. Assertive Wit at 'A Little Less Coffee, My Voice and Babybottoms...Essentials To Your Day' -  http://assertivewitwithatouchofsarcasm.blogspot.com/
3. Eva at 'Wrestling with Retirement' - http://wrestlingretirement.blogspot.com/
4. Em Static at 'Heart and Hairspray' - http://heartandhairspray.blogspot.com/
5. Unknown Mami at http://www.unknownmami.com/
 
Thanks again, Angie!  Now I'm off to snoop around some blogs and make some more friends!

Detroit Tigers, Detroit Red Wings and Happy Birthday to Me!

I’m sitting here pondering over the events of my last week…………….and I thought I’d share with you all that’s been happening in ‘My life as Jenny’ lately  ........(Are you ready?)

First.)   HairyMan and I went to the Detroit Tigers Game last Saturday with our son and his girlfriend (had a blast by the way!) Altho, driving in Detroit can be a little tricky for a small-town girl like me….(yes I was the DD for the trip)….(…and yes, I know you’re all wondering who the Freak would designate ME as a driver, right?) …….and NO, I don’t wanna talk about how we almost ran out of gas in a 'back (abandoned gang infested) alley' and HairyMan got too friendly with a dude selling Tigers shirts on the sidewalk…….

2.) My Birthday was Sunday, May2nd.............helllooooooo.....so Happy Birthday to ME!  I'm a little disappointed that nobody got on my blog to wish me a Happy Birthday, and then it dawned on me, that probably NOBODY KNEW...............(......you see - I was gonna write this great post about me turning "44" and all ..........and how life is good ..........and I've been so blessed ...........and how turning "44" isn't all that bad .............and I was gonna talk about every things that's gotten me here today ......and I was 'like' ....going to thank all my friends, my family............yadda, yadda, yadda.............   Well - It didn't happen, people......    But NOW that you ALL know it WAS my birthday - I'll be expecting some birthday well wishes, OK? 

3.) HairyMan bought me a treadmill ...............(so apparently now I don't have an excuse NOT to lose weight) ..................And .......remember that little $1000.00 bet that HairyMan made me about losing 30 pounds by June 1st.............Well......I DON'T want to talk about it!   (.........hellloooooooo.....maybe he should've bought me the treadmill  - like - 3 months ago..............)

Fourth.)  Last night HairyMan and I went to the Detroit Red Wings game with 2 good friends.  I've never been to a Red Wings Game and it was 'Awesome'.........oh, the excitement.......the beer.....the lights.....the fist fighting.......... the music....... the octopus throwing.......and all those men.....(........and let us talk about those men, shall we?)..... all the 'beefy' 'hunky' tall dark and handsome men, with red and white jersey's on.....with their muscles bulging.......in their tight little jeans...or hockey uniforms.........all that testosterone floatin' in the air............mmmmhhhhhh........I can smell it right now........(calm down, Jenny, take a breath)............(I'm getting myself all horney, now!)

Blonde Joke Tuesday......

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting........... "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
Photo courtesy of the internet

What do YOU want?

The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this.....

"Decide what
you want."


What do I want, you ask?  .....

.....   (I want to win the lottery, but that's probably not going to happen)............. so instead ........

I want to be happy!   I want to enjoy and savor the small things in life.   I want to grow old with my husband.   I want to stop and smell the flowers.   I want to admire the pretty things when I see them.   I want to cry at my children's weddings.  I want to be patient, to slow down and not 'sweat the small stuff'!     I want to laugh at least once a day!   And I want to be a grandma some day! 

(And...........when I'm old and have blue hair and living in an 'old-folks-home' some day - I wanna still be wearing my 'coyote ugly butt-less chaps!')  

Guess what friends........no worries........because "Life is Good!" and...."I'm Happy!" 

    P.S.    What do you want?