I have to 'Poop' ............and helllloooooo.......it's All About Me!

Random things that you may not know about me.......

I have an unhealthy obsession with my dislike of 'Garden Gnomes' and it seems to be taking over my life right now......

When carrying on a conversation with me, you'll find that I'll be a lot more interested in what you have to say if we constantly talk about me!

I used to be a 'teller' at a bank.  I worked in a small cubicle right next to about 4 to 5 other tellers like myself.  We worked side by side each day taking care of customers transactions.  If any of us had to take a break, we'd tell another teller and shut down our window.  One of my good friends worked as a teller, too, and whenever I had to 'take a break', I would say, "Hey, Shannen, I gotta poop."  She hated it when I said that.........that's probably why I continued doing it.........(I'm just sayin')........

I have a brand new treadmill in my basement and I haven't used it in ......'I don't know how long'........yeah......that's how lazy I am.........

There's a festival in my home town in 3 weeks and I'll be seeing a lot of old friends that I haven't seen in awhile.........so basically I have 3 weeks to get a suntan, lose 30 pounds, and get rid of all these wrinkles......(wish me luck, will ya..................)

If something funny (or not so funny) happens in my life.............TRUST ME...........I'll BLOG about it!  ......ah.........why, you ask?...................helllooooooo............because it's 'All About Me', remember...................
                                   
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

Seriously.................What's up with 'The Burger King' dude?

Is it just me?  Or is 'The Burger King' CREEPY!
  
I mean.......if this guy just appeared out of nowhere .......or actually showed up one day in my house....(like in the commercials)..........seriously ...........he'd scare the 'SHIT' out of me!  ...........excuse me, people, but there's just something that's not quite right about this dude!    (.....................I'm just sayin'!)       

It's bad enough that we have to put up with that 'red-headed-psycho-clown' over at McDonald's......(you know...................the one that's always smiling and parading around in his stupid yellow jumpsuit and his over-sized red shoes).........    Well, NOW we have this creepy dude over at Burger King that parades around like he's some kind of 'King of the Cheeseburgers' or something.................

Seriously...........are these the types of FREAKY looking guys that you want around your children...........enticing them with their french fries and chocolate shakes................I THINK NOT!

And, actually.........(now that I'm on the subject of CREEPY)..............WHY is it that both of these psycho's are always smiling?  .......and not just smiling 'normal smiles'.........but smiling those fake, crazy - 'I'm-gonna-murder-you-and-cut-you-up-in-little-pieces' smiles.........the kind of smiles that would totally FREAK you out if you were in an abandoned alley with them.................What's up with that?       No one (I REPEAT) NO ONE can be that happy ALL of the time....................

There's only one that freaks me out more than 'The Burger King' .................yep.............you guessed it................ those little 'freakin' evil garden gnomes.............just so you know!

Altho, maybe 'The Burger King' and 'Ronald McDonald' are not murderers after all...............I mean..........If I worked around Cheeseburgers all day long, I'd be smiling too, right?    (I'm just sayin!)
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

WHY?

Why?


• Why do some people have to be so STUPID?


• Why does there have to be so many calories in CHEESEBURGERS?


• Why are things so much more fun with a MARGARITA in one hand?


• Why do the clothes hanging in my closet not fit me anymore?


• Why does my dog – MAX - insist on eating grass and then ‘up-chucking’ in the middle of my living room floor?

• Why does LIPOSUCTION have to be so expensive?

Word of the Day Wednesday!

 

                                                                   

"Indubitably"

Definition:

 So evident it can't be doubted

A 'posh' way of saying "Without a doubt"

 100% sure

Here's what you do:

1.) Use it in a sentence.......and post it here!

2.) Then make sure you use the word at least 3 times today in casual conversation!

I Cut my Hair Again, Shaved my Legs Dry, and for 'Freaks' Sake.....Quit Peeing on my Couch.....

Things that 'I learned' today:    (Not that anyone really cares..... I just wanted to let you all know!)

1.) It NEVER FAILS that when I look like 'freakin messed up dog crap' and I go for a quick run to 'Meijer' to buy Dog Food and Milk.......chances are I'm gonna run into not just one, but probably 2 or 3 people that I haven't seen in awhile (and of course, they're gonna look like they just walked off the cover of 'Vogue'........!)

2.) It's probably not a good idea to cut my hair when I'm drunk.................

3.) I've decided housework is a lot more fun when I'm drinking Margaritas and listening to "En Vogue"...........

4.) I definitely won't be shaving my legs again in the car.........DRY............on my way home from work.......(trust me when I say..........not the most intelligent thing for me to do, girlfriends!) 

5.) Newsflash : Maximus ...It doesn't matter how 'freakin' adorable and cute you are.........when you pee on my couch, I'm gonna turn psycho and get pissed! (Take it outside - already........, you 'freakin' dog..........you have a stinking 'dog door' for 'freaks' sake!    Geez!)

6.) It probably wouldn't hurt if I laid off the 'Energy Drinks' for awhile......(.....I'm just sayin'......)

………SO SORRY...........….I’m a little wound up today……......you see I’ve started filling my ice cube trays with Vodka!
          

My Best Friend, Joy Stark........Speeding Tickets........and going to Prison!

Me and my best friend, Joy (you know, Joy Stark…from Til’ Death)……….well, we were talking last night over Vodka and Tonics …………..at ‘Applebees’ …….making fun of other woman who aren’t as pretty as us and gossiping about woman who aren’t our friends……and we were complimenting each other on how fabulous our ‘asses’ looked, and………….well, anyway………

........well, guess WHO got a ticket on Monday.........a speeding ticket................well, I'll give you a hint, people.....................it's someone who looks spectacular in her 'Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps'.............

It was a woman cop, too........(so unbuttoning my blouse and showing off 'The Girls' and doing a little harmless flirting was out of the question)..........

And there IS NOTHING quite as awkward as sitting along the side of the road, and a police car (with flashing lights) behind you, and I'm trying to look nonchalant, staring straight ahead, and I can't help but watch the cars go by and everyone looks at me with that 'You're Busted' look on their faces..............and all the while, I just want to flip them off and tell them to 'take a picture, it'll last longer'..............................and once I've handed over my license, proof of insurance and registration to the 'She-Cop' and she returns to her car..................it seems to take FOREVER for her to do whatever it is that she does back there in her squad car, and I watch her in my rear view mirror.............I know she's running my plates to make sure my car is not stolen or that I'm not a felon with a warrant out for my arrest.................  and then my mind starts playing tricks on me - like - what if my car IS stolen....and I don't know it............like - maybe HAIRYMAN is a car thief and I don't even know it.....(like when he tells me he's going golfing..........maybe he's not golfing..........maybe he's out stealing cars)...............or maybe there IS a warrant out for my arrest!   Maybe I got drunk one night and did something that I shouldn't have done, and someone got my license number and there has been a massive police search going on for me that I'm totally unaware of.....................

OMfreakinGosh....she's getting out her car!    She's walking back toward my window..............she's holding something................oh, gosh............it's Mace!  ........it's a Stun-Gun!............Oh, Lord.....it's one of those batan things that look like a bat - that policemen use to beat you up with................O M G..........she's gonna BEAT me up.............................I don't wanna go to prison..........I'm not prison material..............they'll eat me up in there.............some woman will rape me, I'm just sure of it.................. I don't want to be somebodies 'BITCH'........

(I've got the cold sweats, I'm hyperventilating and I can't be sure..........but I think I just peed my pants!)    But when the 'She-Cop' appears back in my window, she smiles, hands me a ticket and tells me to slow it down on the road!  She tells me that I have 10 days to settle the ticket and asks me if I have any questions.............or if I'm alright (.......since I've got sweat rolling down my face, and I've got the panic look on my face and to her, I must look like some crazed mental patient!)      

Okay, relax Jenny.............it's just a ticket..........chill out .............I'm not going to Prison...............

AND...........I seriously have to do something about my imagination!

Word of the Day Wednesday!

'Poppycock'

Definition:

 nonsense, senseless or foolish talk, rubbish, hogwash, a message that seems to convey no meaning, gibberish

Here's what you do:

1.) Use it in a sentence.......and post it here!

2.) Then make sure you use the word at least 3 times today in casual conversation!

Blonde Joke Tuesday.....

The Blonde Cop

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

OMG! I still look like SHIT! (....somethings Never Change!)

(This is a re-post from September of 2009........I'm going to re-post it again today because I thought it was a good discription of what I've turned into these days............  (yes, it's been a year, nothings changed, and I still look like Shit!) 

Holy Moses! Is that really me? I LOOK GROSS! (I’m looking at my naked body in the mirror, by the way.)


I just got out of the shower, am dripping wet, standing in front of the full length mirror in my bathroom, drying myself off. OK………...quit looking, Jenny………(step away from the mirror)…................OH, Gosh, I looked...............................well, maybe if I dry myself off and comb my hair, I’ll look better…………(I look again)………. No, guess not!

My hips are huge! No wonder my jeans don’t fit! No wonder I have to unbutton them all the time!

I turn around to look at my butt in the mirror!........... Oh My Gosh! My butt is enormous! And what’s with all those little dimples and divots ……….……”Holy Cottage Cheese Thighs!” That can’t be MY butt! “Wasn’t it just yesterday that my ass looked phenomenal in my coyote ugly butt-less chaps?”

And where’d that little gap go? (The one that used to be between my thighs when I stand with my knees together.) My thighs are touching for gosh sakes, they’re rubbing together, and probably chafing with every move I make! ………………. Note To Self: I need to buy Baby Powder!

Holy Toledo! What’s with all that skin hanging from my waist? No, wait a minute, on second thought, what waist….I have no waist! Rolls, Rolls, Rolls………everywhere I look, more rolls! Where’s my stomach? Where’s my abs of steel? ………….Oh my God, is that my belly button? (And to think that it used to be pierced!)  My belly button now looks like a huge “crater” in my midriff of fat! It’s disgusting!

Isn’t it summer out? Why am I so pale? Shouldn’t I be tan? Normally at this time of year, I have a healthy brown glow about me. I look sickly! All white and pasty looking. (I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dead!) …………….Note To Self: Make some tanning appointments!

And look at my complexion…… age spots, wrinkles, huge pores, and pimples (Aren’t I be too old to have acne?) And what’s with the coarse black hairs jutting out of my chin?  Have I started growing a beard?  By God, I think I have!

And I can’t possibly be the only middle-aged woman with little black hairs growing on her breasts? Not many, just a couple here and there…….Thank god that I pluck them every so often or the girls would be covered in hair! And weren’t they a lot perkier yesterday?  Today, my nipples are pointing toward my feet!

And what’s with the uni-brow? Didn’t I just pluck my eyebrows last week? What am I now – Chewbacca? Where’s all this hair coming from? I have hair everywhere. I just shaved my legs last night, and now I can almost comb the hair on them!

My toenails are way too long…..they look like talons. It’s a wonder I haven’t turned over in bed at night and punctured HairyMan’s “Achilles” with them.  And half of my toenails polish has worn off in some places……….have I actually been wearing sandals this summer, with my feet looking like this?  What is wrong with me?

I look pitiful! Where on earth did my youth go! It’s like I woke up this morning and I’ve turned into somebody’s overweight mother! This isn’t me. I’m a hot babe!  I specifically remember having a waist, having perky boobs, a gap between my legs, and 2 distinctive eyebrows.  No wonder I wear clothes every day…..I’ve got to cover this shit up!  I have to disguise this beast of a body!  There is no question that I definitely look better with my clothes on!   (Is this what 'Middle-Aged' is all about?)

Note To Self: “Don’t ever take my clothes off ever again!” "And quit eating Cheeseburgers!"
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

Word of the Day Wednesday!

'Carnage'

Definition:

Massive slaughter, as in war; a massacre.   Corpses, especially of those killed in battle.

 The savage and excessive killing of many people.

Here's what you do:

1.) Use it in a sentence.......and post it here! 

2.) Then make sure you use the word 'Carnage' in a sentence at least 3 times today!

Zebra's, Flying Monkeys ....and Lord it's Hard being a 'Trophy Wife!'

Random things that I'm thinking about today.............

*It's already AUGUST, people,  and I haven't ONCE put on my 'Freakin' swimming suit .....and went swimming.....or basked in the sun!  (...............that would pretty much explain the reason why I don't have a tan yet......ya think?!)  (.......and you should know that my 'frumpy body' looks a whole lot better when its 'sun-kissed golden brown!')   Were the 'Freak' did my SUMMER go!?  

*Ever try NOT thinking about something.........and then all you can do is think about what you're NOT trying to think about?   Like.........take Zebras for instance........try NOT to think about Zebras.........It's pretty much impossible, isn't it?  Every time you try NOT to think about Zebras............you're gonna think about them! 

*Am I the only woman on this 'God given Earth' that finds it hard to keep up with her life?   ..............like ...............how the 'Freak' am I supposed to 1.) work out of the house full time, 2.) keep up with the laundry, 3.) make dinner every night for HairyMan, 4.) keep my house clean, 5.) keep up with the weeds in my flower beds (not to mention trying to grow a veggie garden, too), 6.) take care and spend time with my kids, 7.) keep up with the grocery shopping, 8.) tend to my crops on my farms on Facebook, 8.) Blog, 9.) keep up with the latest styles and trends and 10.) keep myself looking beautiful every day! (...........do you know how hard it is to be HairyMans 'Trophy Wife" on a daily basis?)  How the "Freak" do you ladies do it?  I'm 'stinkin' exhausted!

*I think it's time to get out the "Flying Monkeys" again!      *&/*%$*
 (*I bet you're still thinking about Zebras, aren't you?)
(Photo of the Zebra courtesy of the Internet)

Things That Bring Joy to My Life.....

Today I happened to be snooping around 'One Cluttered Brain's' Blog......who happened to be snooping around 'Scary Mommy's' Blog...and both of them were talking about what gives them Joy in their lives......  So I thought I'd join in too, for a chance to win a 'ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR American Express Gift Check' to spend on anything that I want.....so here's the...... 
Simple things that bring Joy to my life:  (in no particular order)
1.)  Finding a $20.00 bill in my pocket. (.....in a jacket or a pair of jeans that I haven't wore in weeks.)
2.)  Getting a phone call from my kids. (...for no specific reason...just to talk.)
3.)  Ice Cream (specifically 'Strawberry CheeseQuake' or 'MooseTracks')
4.)  Going out to eat! (.... for Cheeseburgers!)
5.)  Stepping on the scales to find I've lost weight. (...even one pound, I'm not picky!) 
6.)  A clean house (...that I didn't have to clean!)
7.)  An Ice Cold Beer (or Margarita, or Red Bull & Vodka, or Sparks, or Vodka & Tonic......well....you get the picture.....) after a long day at work.

8.)  When my husband tells me he loves me... (just out of the blue, for no reason at all.....and he hasn't even done anything that requires forgiveness.)
9.)  Playing 'hookie' from work. (...and doing absolutely nothing all day long but laying around in my pajamas, curled up on the couch with an afghan, watching 'Lifetime' movies, eating chocolate chip cookies, french fries, tuna fish sandwiches and drinking cappiccinos and Red Bull all day long.)
10.)  Having an awesome 'Hair Day'! (....and then seeing lots of friends around town - that you haven't seen in awhile - who happen to look like SHIT!)
11.) An entire day watching a 'Two and A Half Men' and 'Til Death' Marathon on TV.
12.)  Finding out my 'Long-Lost-Great-Step-Uncle-Twice-Removed' has passed and left me $25,000.00.
13.)  A broken or smashed 'Garden Gnome'  (...gnomes are evil, my friends!)

So what brings you Joy?

“This post is part of SOYJOY‘s What brings you Joy contest. Learn more here.”