Bologna and my New Blogging Buddy!

Several days ago (...more than several, but who's counting, anyway....)  I was visiting DLK (one of my blogging buddies) over at "Moon Clippings" ........(.........at least I think we're blogging buddies ..............we ARE blogging buddies, aren't we, DLK?)  and I left a comment after she made me aware that I could get cancer by eating bologna....  You can find her post at 'My bologna has a first name - It's Cancer!'   She's a funny gal like me!   (.................I mean she's not as funny as I am....but I'm sure you'll giggle, none the less.......I'm just sayin'......) 

"Sorry......but, 'NO WAY - JOSE!'....I'm not giving up my bologna (I love bologna!)  I just try not to think about what's in it, okay! (...so thanks DLK, for letting me in on the little cancer scare, girlfriend!) :):)   And as far as getting cancer is concerned, .....I'm sure my liver will fail first (from the amount of drinking I do on a daily basis), way before cancer takes over my body!   And, no, I don't wear sunscreen...I'm just walking around like a virgin out there waiting for diseases to take over my body, too!  (Have I told you how pathetic and unhealthy I am!?)"                                              

Yes, I'm pretty sure that if DLK and I remain friends, she'll realize just how big of a bond that I have with my bologna and how unhealthy of a person that I am!  (....do you think she'll still want to be my friend? )

I gotta quit looking at myself naked in the mirror!

First of all, I’ve had about enough Red Bull that I can handle today, …..time to lay off it awhile…….I’m just sayin’…..I think I’m gonna faint!

I’m in serious need of a 'body image change', too, (just so you know)….I’m standing in front of the mirror totally naked - checking myself out again…………(……..I gotta quit doing that, already……it’s depressing………and it makes me want to throw up!)

……..and I don’t know exactly what happened to my body these last few years - to make it look like the way it does right now – ‘CAUSE it’s not pretty……..not pretty one single bit!  (….okay……..who am I fooling……….. of course I know why my body looks like this right now……....hellllllloooo…….it’s because I’m lazy….and I’m fat ……….and I like to eat!)  And as I look at this body of mine, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not that sexy anymore! And it’s starting to PISS ME OFF! (………’cause I’m this little ‘sex craved’ smokin’ hot 29 year old stuck in this frumpy ‘mom’ body……..remember?)

………I mean, it’s not like I’m the type of girl that thinks a woman has to be thin to be sexy .......(…no, I’m not that kind of girl….don’t worry…….)  But - HOLY GEEZ……I do remember that ‘IT WAS A LOT MORE FUN TO BE SEXY’ when I was thinner – and smokin’ hot………

…..so then I get this great idea that I’m gonna try on all my ‘sexy stuff’ that I have hidden in my closet………so here I am now - parading around in front of the full length mirror trying on all my sexy little lacy teddy’s and negligees and thigh highs......... high heels and garters and I’m posing all seductive and pretending I’m some ‘playboy bunny on steroids’ ……… and actually, it’s not that I look too bad…….I mean if I stand a certain way and hold in my stomach just right, and push my rear-end out and if I don’t breathe……..and push my chest out….…and don’t move, for ‘Freaks Sake’ (for fear that my muffin-top is gonna fall out of my elastic panties and one of my boobs is gonna fall out of my skimpy little bra)………….well, I may be able to get away with it………but once I move………(…well….a girls gotta breathe, right?) …........well, then it’s all over, people!

….what’s a girl to do?

.......you can't be expecting too much outta this BLOG.......okay?

Deer Heads are Falling Off the Deer....OR is that a Dead Possum?

Yesterday morning (around 6:00am) I let our little dog, Max, outside in his pen ...through his doggie door..........to do 'his business' and as I peeked out the slider door (out into the darkness) ......(to try to catch a peek at him doing 'His Thing'............yeah, I'm that kind of dog owner).......I noticed that he had congregated to the side of his pen and was sniffing something.  After a minute or two, I decided to step out into the darkness and into his fenced in pen to take a look to see what had gathered his attention.    WELL, at first, I though there was a 'severed deer head' laying in the corner of his pen that had gained his attention, (.....and I'm thinking to myself ........GREAT.........now we have deer around our property whose heads are falling off.............) ........but as I looked closer, I realize there was some dead animal laying in the corner of his pen - it wasn't a severed deer head after all   (....guess I won't have to worry about those headless deer, now.............)   So here I was (...and pay attention, cause this will be an important factor later on in my story..) ....here I was.... I'm squatting down ....my face about 1 foot or so from this dead carcass laying on the cement......trying to get a better look......I kick it a little with my slipper....you know.........to make sure it's dead.............and I take an even closer look (...it's 6AM and dark out, remember.............) ........and upon closer inspection, I realize that it's a possum that's dead in Max's pen.  Well, I move a little closer TO SEE WHY the heck IT'S DEAD in my dogs pen.......like I wanna make sure one of it's feet isn't caught in the fence.....and I'm picturing it - with it's leg caught and how it's trying to gnaw away at his leg to get free.......and maybe it's leg is bloody and hanging there from the bone and maybe possums teeth aren't sharp enough to gnaw through bone............so now I'm probably going to have to go get a saw or a jack knife and help it free itself..............but wait........the darn things dead, right...........and WAIT............that's mice that eat their legs off to get out of situations, not possums.......I don't think possums do that , do they? ....anyway.........it's laying on it's back.........all four feet straight up in the air.......(..and I'm wondering what the FREAK is up with that.........)......so I stand up, move back, grab Max, go inside, grab a shovel and a flash light and head back out to get this dead carcass out of Max's pen...............and guess what?

It's FREAKIN' GONE!

How can it be gone?  I left it there for maybe...1 minute or so......if that! AND IT WAS DEAD..........WASN'T IT?  Well apparently it wasn't dead ..............helllooooo............and remember how I told you had my face about 8 inches from it all the while I was trying to get a better look at it!   Now I'm sick to my stomach.......I could have been attacked by this rabid possum.........and it was probably a mutant hybrid possum (not just the normal ones, you'd find in the woods)......... IT could have jumped up with it's razor sharp teeth and mauled me .........and given me rabies..........and infected me with it's mutant blood ............ and it could've messed up my face.........and I would have scars (....surely there would be scars..........)     AND BLOOD  (and we all know how well I deal with blood)  ..........and I wouldn't be able to be 'HairyMans' Trophy Wife anymore ...................I'm just sayin'.............................

.............and where the heck did it go, anyway?  (Let's hope - NOT IN the doggie door!) 

Yes, I KNOW I have a moustache......but thank you very much for pointing it out to me!

One of the technicians at our office .....a co-worker.....of the male persuasion, mind you.......thought it would be a good idea to inform me that I was sporting a moustache today......YES, A MOUSTACHE.....(...and no, I'm not making this SHIT up, people.....like I wanna go around having conversations with you  about how I have black hair growing under my nose......)    (.....and just so you know.....if you look close enough, you'll probably find some hair growing OUT OF MY NOSTRILS, TOO....SO THERE....... )     Although, why him telling me that I have black hair on my upper lip should cause such a reaction in myself is beyond me........... ISN'T IT I - who doesn't have a problem with telling all of you how I have 'little black hairs growing out of my nipples'........well, one should expect that IF I HAVE hair on my nipples, I'd also be sportin' a moustache, as well!    But that's beside the point!  We're not talking about the hair growing in inappropriate places on my body..............we're here to talk about PEOPLE WHO TELL ME I have hair growing in inappropriate places! (....like I don't know that already....helllooooooo.....)

So of course all day long people were staring at my upper lip, (in my own little twisted mind, anyway), and it was all I could do to look them in the face and NOT poke them in the eyes with my finger! 

Like I'm the only woman to ever sport a 'stach.............so I forgot to bleach it one day - sue me!   OR God Forbid that I would neglect to shave my upper lip for a day or two......     GOSH.......(....now I've gotten myself all worked up again....)

LORD, IT SUCKS GETTING OLD!

I have a life, people........and quit peeing on the walls!

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah....I know I haven't posted in awhile......well, how many times have I told you that you can't expect TOO MUCH out of me!  .....and I do have a life, people! 

Besides, after my last post regarding 'Gnomeo and Juliet', I had to take a break and try to figure out what the world is coming too, if Disney is now making movies about GNOMES!!  I'm definitely not planning on seeing THIS movie anytime soon- but I'll tell you right now that I'm sure the ending includes bloody carnage and severed body parts as all the gnomes (both with red hats and blue hats)  (....and NO...I don't care if the blue ones seemed friendly   .....NO gnome can be trusted......that's how they draw you in....with their cute little elf clothes and sneaky smiles........and then they pull out a dagger from behind and stab you in your jugular when you aren't looking......or they throw gasoline on you while you're sleeping and set you on fire!  Trust me!)

Anyway........It's freezing in my office today.......probably because it's 50 degrees outside and I'm not wearing any shoes.  I'm walking around in our office barefoot and actually I just looked at the bottom of my feet..........and they're filthy.  (....better put my sandals back on.....)  ......oh, and I gotta pee, anyway, and I'm sure as shit not gonna walk into our bathroom with no shoes on, even if it is carpeted, mind you!  Who knows where those disgusting men in our office have been peeing........(....helllloooooo...........we all know, men can't aim that thing and they can't urinate without hitting the wall or pissing on the floor......)

Well.....that's it for now, girlfriends.......I'm at work and I'm supposed to be working anyway.............