Dear Porscha,

Porscha:  You know that 'Web Class' that I'm taking? ...(...you know...the class that's kicking my *SS and even tho I've made it thru the first 8 lessons, I'm still completely LOST and don't think I've learned ANYTHING....)

Well...... last night I did the last 4 lessons  ..... (...you know...the 4 lessons that I was behind on because I'm lazy and I've been putting them off cause' I'm not really learning anything anyway...........remember?.......you know - lessons #9, #10, #11 and #12....) ....and you'll be happy to know that I got 100% on all of the quizzes..... making my total grades for lessons #1 thru #12 - 100% on ALL of the quizzes.......Yes - I ROCK!    Aren't you proud?! ...(...heck yeah...you better be proud, girlfriend.......this shit is freakin' HARD!)     Yeah...I know....the quizzes were open book........ and I cheated?   ............(....hey.... don't judge me!)   

You didn't really think I'd pass the quizzes on my own did you?     Are you freakin' retarded?    Do you EVEN KNOW ME?    I'm really just NOT THAT SMART.........(....hey can I help it that I've been blessed with phenomenal looks and not brains?...........I'm just sayin'.....)

(for those of you who missed this post....I've been taking a Web Class and the 12 lessons in the class are not graded - they are open book.  The only thing graded is the final exam....try to keep up, people....)

So now that I've made it thru the 12 lessons, the final exam is the only thing left.  The final exam is due April 8th ............(........and if the exam has ANYTHING to do with the content that has been in the 12 lessons........ I'M DOOMED!)  .....(....cause remember......I haven't actually came even remotely close to LEARNING ANYTHING from this class so far, remember?.....)

On a more positive note:  I'm feeling pretty awesome -  cause I've stuck it out regardless - and made it thru 12 entire lessons ...(...even tho I wanted to throw in the towel after the first lesson cause this class is so FREAKIN' hard and WAY BEYOND my learning capability...........HEY.........I'm just sayin'.......)   

                  I'll keep you posted!  

Happy Freakin' Friday, People!

Alright……..enough already about the parasitic problems in my head……looks like they’ve taken care of themselves on their own...thank you very much, my friends.....   And I realize now that the ‘parasitic worms’ and ‘nesting tarantula hatchlings’ were just a figment of my imagination and I have to admit that they WERE NEVER REAL, and they NEVER REALLY EXISTED!   (....at least that's what I keep telling myself.....until the voices in my head start telling me otherwise..........)


Oh, and my good friend, Sherri - over at "The Mess that is my Mind" talked me into rubbing 'Cat Piss' all over my body!

Well, hey…..she told me that Cat Pee repels garden gnomes and since Sherri and I are ‘Blogging BFF’s’ and all….    (….well, Sherri doesn’t really know that we’re best friends….....BUT WE ARE..........I don't care what SHE SAYS - WE ARE, Damn it!)

....(…kinda like most of my friends don’t really know that they’re my best friends….)....

....(…they just play along with me…because they don’t want to hurt my feeling……either that or they’re scared of me…….) ...

....I’m just sayin’…….

So NOW I’m walking around smelling like Cat Piss ……..and my dog keeps trying to have sex with my leg!

              

No more Worms and Spiders...thank you very much!

I had just gotten used to the fact that I have parasitic worms living in my eyeball and my teeth gums and now my good friend, Porscha, has got me thinking about tarantulas nesting in my head!  Her exact words were in fact:   "Freaky about the swelling thing.    Sounds like some type of odd allergy - or tarantulas nesting.   I've heard of them doing that in cacti - maybe they're doing it in YOU now!"  

What the H*LL!   Now I can't stop thinking about baby tarantulas crawling around in my eye sockets and teeth gums.......  ...(...thanks, Porscha..by the way..)

And NO my good friends.....I HAVEN'T went to the 'freakin' doctor yet.......... (.......simply because if I go to the doctor and tell him that I think I have worms and spiders living in my head, he might commit me!.........)...........

  Hey....my eyes are back to normal now and my tooth gum is NOT red, puffy, throbbing  and/or inflamed ANYMORE!   So it looks like my little parasitic problems have mended on their own.......(.....with the help of Benadryl, Motrin, Prozac and Vodka ..........thank you very much, my friends...)        OR.... maybe because I may have imagined the whole worm/spider story to begin with and it's probably safe to say I never really had worms and spiders living in my head to begin with.  

But if that's the case..........(.......and I don't have worms and spiders living in my head after all.......)..... then I ask you:   "Where are the voices coming from - that talk to me in my head?" 

My Web Class is 'Kicking my *SS'....and I still have my Parasitic Worm!

My friend, Porscha, e-mailed me the other day:
Okay Jenny, what the hell is going on with you today? How is your eye? I have to read about your medical ailments on your blog?   Oh, and I don't think an entire cheesecake is part of the cleansing program. :-)  If it is, sign me up!!
How's school going? Caught up yet?  Later, Porscha

My response:

Ok, Porscha.......my freakin' web-class is kicking my *SS!   I'm on lesson #8 (and I'm supposed to be on lesson #10) so THAT means I'm 2 lessons behind! Can you tell me "Which is a block level element that allows me to specify logical divisions within the content of a Web page......a class, a span, a DIV, or a Style?"......I'm completely freakin' LOST! .....AND "Can you tell me which is an element used within the Head section of an HTML document to contain CSS style rules?" .........AGAIN.......I'm completely utterly FREAKIN' LOST! So you ask me how I'm doing in my Web Class?    The only reason I'm EVEN PASSING it at this point in time is because I'm 'CHEATING'......the quizzes are all multiple choice and open book....so I can look up the answers ....The only thing graded is the final exam.....and unless the final exam is 1.) multiple choice, 2.) open book, and 3.) NOT timed...I haven't a chance of passing this freakin' class!

Oh.....and the parasitic worm that has been living in my eyeball the last couple of days has moved to my tooth now!  The swelling and red puffiness in my eye is gone now.   ....didn't you read my last post? .....helllooooooooo......

Yeah...it's moved to my tooth now!  My 'Tooth Gum' is all inflamed and puffy and hurts....and NO I haven't went to the doctor YET...are you kidding...I'm seeing how many areas of MY BODY can become infested by worms before I actually get it taken care of by a professional.  Hey....here's a thought............MAYBE the worms will move to my stomach NEXT and they'll start eating my BELLY FAT and 'Muffin-Top'!!!

Oh, and I'm totally disgusted with myself for eating an entire cheesecake for breakfast....if HairyMan finds out, he's gonna 'FREAKIN' kill me!    Later, Venus

.......(Note: If you're new to my blog, Venus is my alter ego....you know the one that gets me into trouble all of the time!)

(picture courtesy of the internet)

More Random thoughts......

Random things going on with me today:

1.) My ‘Nasty Eye’ seems to be healing quite nicely on its own today - thank you very much………(...…at least I THINK it is…)….....It’s not as puffy, red and nasty looking today.......... the swelling has gone down, and it doesn’t hurt as much as it did yesterday! ….(…altho, I can’t really be sure….since I’m high on Benadryl and Motrin right now..)

2.) I ate an entire cheesecake on the way to work this morning! (….just thought I'd let you all know what a pig I am...…)

3.) I’ve been noticing what with spring around the corner; all of the stores have their spring gardening supplies and yard decorations out.  Wouldn’t you know that the hot item this year is ‘freakin’ garden gnomes…..everywhere I look!   Are you freakin’ kidding me………I went down an aisle the other day, and there must have been about five or six rows of the ‘freakin’ things……just glaring at me from atop their shelves……what the H*LL is wrong with people! And who the H*LL buys these things, anyway, I ask you?

4.) The bad news is that my tooth hurts today…..my tooth gum is red, lumpy and puffy and it hurts..….kinda like I have a popcorn kernel stuck in it……only I HAVEN'T eaten any popcorn lately…….so I can’t be sure - but I’m fairly positive that A.) the parasitic worm that was in my eyeball yesterday has left my right eyeball and traveled to my tooth today  .....OR   B.) I’m growing fangs and turning into a vampire! .......I’ll keep you posted!
    
                     

I think I have a parasitic worm growing in my eyeball....I'm just sayin!

The last couple of days, my RIGHT EYE has been hurting me and it’s been a little puffy….(…..NOT the eyeball itself, but the top of the eyelid….)….it’s been a little itchy and red…(…NOT the eyeball….my eyeball isn’t red AT ALL….just the eyelid and surrounding area…)


This morning I woke up to find it was swollen shut....(....well, almost swollen shut....I'm exagerating a little ...cause that's what I do.....)..……..my right top eyelid is huge and puffy and it looks like:  1.) I either got punched in the face (more specifically – in the eye) OR 2.) that I’ve got a severe case of ‘elephantiasis’.     It’s not a pretty picture, people…..(….just so you know!…)    It’s not crusty and there is no seepage…..and since the morning, the swelling has went down, and I can actually see now, but my right eyelid hurts…(…like a straining hurt - whenever I look at something or move my eyeball to look at something…which sucks….cause I usually look at stuff …with my eye….you know....on a daily basis...)   I’m pretty sure it’s not a Sty….and I’m pretty sure it’s not ‘pinkeye’……….so I taped a tissue over my bad eye and put my glasses on so that no one would notice at work, but that didn’t work out to good from me, since everyone kept asking me what the H*LL was goin’ on with my eye and why the ‘Freak’ was I wearing an eye patch. I eventually took the tissue out and so now I’m walking around with one eye all made up all pretty with eye shadow and mascara while my right eye is red, bulging, swollen and nasty looking…….(…I pretty much scared the UPS man, when he came in for a delivery today…..he did a double take…. …and then refused to look me in the eye…..you know…….THE NASTY SWOLLEN EYE that I have going on right now….)

I’ve been using my eye drops and NO – I haven’t went to the doctor yet, but will probably go in the morning since I’m grossing everyone out with my nasty eye and all……. I figure I’ve either A.) got an allergic reaction going on with something…….B.) got a infection in a tear gland OR C.) got some parasitic worm living in my eyeball.

No worries........and I’ll be sure to keep you posted on my eye situation.........

What is a Leprechaun, you ask?

What is a Leprechaun?   ....(....well.......according to one website - the following is one definition....)

Leprechauns are not real. (...yeah, right....)  They are make-believe little Irish fairies.  A leprechaun looks like a small old man ...(...a really 'twisted-lookin' little old man....with a messed up face...kinda looks like a face lift gone wrong sort of face.......) about 2 feet tall.  He dresses like a shoemaker, and sometimes wears a hat and an apron  ...(....he hides his weapons under his clothes...which are apparently 4 sizes too small.....)  (....and I'm guessing he frequents Walmart....)

Leprechauns are believed to be aloof and unfriendly. (...ya think?.....)  They live alone, making shoes for other fairies....(and they make a habit of eating small children ...)  (....and apparently, they have no fashion sense).......According to legend, the leprechaun posses a hidden pot of gold.  ...(that's how they suck you in to their evil lair....by their legends and promises of Gold....because face it - the human race is greedy.....and we want money...and gold.....)  You can track down a leprechaun by the sound of his shoemaker's hammer.  ...(....why the HELL would you wanna track one down, you idiots?)   If you can catch him, you can force him to tell the whereabouts of his pot of gold. ..(....then push bamboo shoots under his fingernails....stick a fork in his eye....and tie his shoe-laces together so he can't chase you down....)  However, you must be careful. ..(....hellllllloooooo...)   You must keep your eye on him every second. If not, the leprechaun will trick you and disappear.  .....(...then a few months later, he'll probably start stalking you and hunt you down and torture you with his sharp weapons ......let me stress the sharp weapons, people.......)

 Have you ever wondered what is at the end of a rainbow ?  Well, I'll tell you what's at the end of a rainbow, people!  A maniacal killer leprechaun that is waiting to cut your hands and feet off, stick an icepick in your chest, tear your eyeballs out of their sockets, cut your ears off and eat your intestines for dinner.....that's what's at the end of a 'freakin' rainbow......

You know how I HATE Garden Gnomes..........well........I HATE Leprechauns, too!

Happy St. Patricks Day, People! ........(....and watch out for those killer leprechauns ....lurking in the shadows...while your drinking your green beer at the bar....they'll be in the alley....so don't walk to your car alone tonight........because they'll be waiting to jump you and kill you! ...I'm just sayin'............)
(Picture courtesy of the internet)

Nasty Feet, Freakazoids and I better NOT be out of Prozac!

I am TOTALLY NOT into FEET!   I think feet are disgusting!  I don't like people touching MY feet and I certainly am not going to touch YOUR feet!  HairyMan is always asking me to rub lotion on his disgusting cracked-calloused feet ...........HELL NO!............... it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it!  I'd rather swim in boiling water than touch someones nasty-filthy feet!  ..................and would it kill you to clip your toe-nails, HairyMan.........you about slice my Achilles with your 'Talons' each time you roll over in bed!        Drinking champagne out of your stiletto - I don't think so!   Rubbing lotion on your dry feet - I THINK NOT!  And if you want me to suck on your toes to get you off.......I will probably end up vomiting on you!  ....(............yes - I'm pretty sure vomit would be involved in this scenario.....no question........)   I don't EVEN care if you are some 'beautiful-supermodel-perfect-little-diva', your feet still SUCK!  OR..... it doesn't matter that you've added a 'dainty-little-flowery-cutesy-tattoo' on the top of your foot......  SUCK!  .....and you know how you use that Red or Pink nail polish on your toe-nails to camouflage the nastiness????  (....guess what........you're not fooling anyone - Einstein - with those disgusting feet........)  Your feet STILL SUCK, people!      They're 'bacteria-ridden-crusty-calloused-stinky-planter wart-nasty!'  ..........(.....and don't even get me started on what's hiding under those toe-nails!...)  ....(...oh, LORD......I just puked in my mouth and swallowed it!)

I am so sick of dealing with rude people at work.  I called a customer on the phone today at 10:00am ........(...I was returning the call - mind you......)  She answered the phone......(..........an older woman........)........(....no offense to old people, by the way.........)..........., I told her who I was and I believe her exact words were, "Oh my gosh, you got me out of bed for this?"  .........(.......are you freakin' kidding me......it's 10:00am - you bitchy troll........)  whereas I then put on my fake happy face and used my fake happy voice and replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, but it's 10:00am and I surely didn't mean to get you out of bed this early, I apologize!"   To which she then said, "Thank you, Goodbye!"    It was all I could do to not reach my hand through the phone and pull her tongue out of her bitchy throat!   Well, 'Haggy Woman' if you think I'm calling you back, you can think again, BEOITCH!  

I was in Walmart the other day and of course I can't go in that store - EVER- without seeing some strange freakazoid excuse for a human being.   This chic had on purple ............(....yes......I said PURPLE..........).........'slim fit' jeans ......(.....that were no doubt 2 sizes too small.....and 2 sizes too short.)....a cut off 'Who Shot JR?' T-shirt (half shirt) hanging off her shoulders whereas exposing her black bra..... (.....that was ripped in ALL the wrong places......)........muffin top hangin' from over her jeans......a black leather belt with a belt buckle that read 'Do You Want Some of This?' ...........(..........are you kidding me right now........).........a tattoo of a skull and cross bones on her neck, she was wearing white nurse shoes, with no socks...................and I'm not even going to get started on her HAIR situation that she had goin' on........let's just say I was expecting her to break out in some Duran Duran 'Hungry like a Wolf' choreographed dance moves at any time......... Oh course.........where is my freakin' camera when I need it...... cause trust me, I'd be all over this one.........

 I swear.......the only thing that gets me through my life nowadays is Prozac and Alcohol!

(photo courtesy of the internet)

Pretending I'm a Vampire, Charlie Sheen, and Poop!

I'm gonna make this short..............just wanted you to know what I've been thinking about today:

Does anyone else really wish someone would beat the SH*T out of Charlie Sheen?  (………get over yourself already, you little worm…) …..…I'm sick to death of hearing about you and all this 'winning' talk........(...What are you winning?....you're hanging around with prostitutes, drug dealers and porno queens........are you kidding me right now?)......how’s it make you feel now that ‘Angus’ and 'Jon' are unemployed - quit blaming everyone else for your pathetic little life, you cocky little monkey-ass!

Last night while I was busy walking around my house - pretending that I was a Vampire..........I heard a knock on the door. Somehow I had CONVINCED MYSELF that the man at the door was a ‘Vampire Slayer’ (….yeah, I get paranoid like that when I get in character…….) I never DID answer the door….(….just so you know….)…….I just stood there - inside the door, carefully hidden - with my 'nunchucks' in hand - peaking outside from behind the window curtain - so that I could keep track of his where-a-bouts ...(....I was afraid he may sneak aournd back and come in for a surpise attack ...)..... I can’t be sure, but I think he ended up being a Jehovah Witness because there was an ‘I Love Jesus!’ pamphlet in the door this morning.




I ate an entire ‘block’ of Colby-Jack Cheese for my lunch today.

Am I the only one – that every time I take a poop – I feel like I need to take a shower? ……(………..hellloooooo……..is doesn’t matter how many toilet paper squares or wet wipes I use……..I just don’t feel like I’ve cleaned myself good enough………) .......(..I'm just sayin'.....)....

I got an award.....it appears I'm 'Versatile!'

Marty over at 'The Many Faces of Me' gave me an award a couple of days ago and I'm really excited!  'The VERSATILE Blogger' Award

Evidently, Marty thinks I'm capable of doing many things competently..........(....which is - in fact - the definition of versatile....).........   (.........I would know ...........because I had to look it up........yeah....I'm smart like that!)


VERSATILE: embracing a variety of subjects, fields, or skills......... turning with ease from one thing to another .........changing or fluctuating readily .........having many uses............YEP - THAT'S ME ALRIGHT! 

So anyway.......Marty is a pretty fantastic lady and since we're such cool friends and all......... you'll have to go check her out on her blog!

Okay.....so to claim my award, I need to share 7 things about myself ....(....didn't I just get done doing this ......deja vu, people........).....and pass this award on to a couple of fellow bloggers.......  so here goes......

1.) HairyMan just bought me a new car this week....surprise....a new 'Lincoln MKX'....have I told you how awesome he is lately?
2.) I HATE talking on the phone.  (.....seriously........just call me.....state what you want..........then see you later!)
3.) I have a BAD HABIT of peeling the skin off of my thumbs....down till they're raw and bleeding......(..........helllloooooooo..........I've told you before that I have issues..........)
4.) At night - I've always had this fear of looking out the windows of my house into the darkness and seeing a figure walking across my yard wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete. 
5.)  I HATE being LATE!  (If I know I'm going to be late for something........9 times out of ten, I'll make the decision to 'just not go!')
6.) I don't make a point to WORRY about what people think of me!  Don't get me wrong.......I don't want people to 'NOT LIKE ME' and I DO care what people think.........I just don't obsess over it!.........(...you either like me - or you don't........and if you DON'T LIKE ME....just move along...................it's just that simple.....)
7.) When I was younger, I always read lots of horror books, (Stephen King, John Saul...etc...). My mother worried about the fact that I was always reading scary stories, so she made me read the Bible, too......(.....probably to 'off-set' things a bit...........I'm just sayin'.............)

I've spent a few days 'blog-hopping' and I just came across 3 blogs that I think are really neat.....I'm fairly new to them, but you really should go check them out...........you won't be disappointed!

Peggy Sue at 'Peggy Sue's Blog'

Robelyn at 'Red Neck Chic'

and

Kacie Leah at 'Pistols and Cupcakes'