Wearing sweaty Long Dresses, Singing with my Son and making Wedding Memories!

My son got married this last weekend …(….yes, I know - you’re all thinking I can’t possibly be old enough and I certainly don’t LOOK old enough to have a grown son……But I Do!)…….and of course I got all dressed up and made myself look beautiful for the wedding….(…. which wasn’t very hard for me, since I’m already pretty ‘Smokin Hot’ anyway…)

I wore a LONG DRESS to the wedding (…cause I was the ‘Mother of the Groom’ and that’s what we mother of the grooms do …..) ……anyway……. it was freakin’ HOT on Saturday and I was sweatin’ like a Hog all day long.......and the air conditioning wasn’t working in the reception hall and I was getting sick & tired of sweating in my long sweaty dress.....(...and I was already ornery because the ice in my cocktails was melting way too fast in my drinks - due to the heat....)......and I kept tripping over my dress because I had had way too much VODKA anyway........besides - no-one could see my sexy supple legs under my stupid long dress, right?....…. (....and I was a little pissed to begin with - because everyone said I COULDN'T wear WHITE to the wedding.....)....(....and why the hell couldn't the mother of the groom carry flowers?)  .............I'm just sayin'....

........so by the end of the reception….(just so you know) …I HAD HAD ENOUGH....I found a pair of scissors and I cut my 'flippin' dress OFF…..yep…that’s right….(....NO....I didn't cut the whole damn dress off, people .......it was my son's wedding for Gosh Sakes....).....I just cut the BOTTOM HALF OFF - leaving me with a short dress to wear at the reception - instead of having to wear my long dress all night....)  .........kinda like LONG to SHORT in 3 minutes….(....actually - now that I think about it - I'm a GENIUS to have thought of such a great idea....)  Maybe I'll have to patent my long dress/short dress idea....hmmmm.......(.....I just figured if I ever wanted to wear the stupid dress LONG again - I'd just sew it back together - right?.... )   Like I said - I'M A FLIPPIN' GENIUS!.....

.........then my son and I proceeded to do our Karaoke rendition of ‘Crystal Ball’ by ‘Styx’ during the ‘Mother/ Son’ dance……(...yes, we're Classy like that!)   .....then I did the ‘Thriller Dance’ with all my friends on the dance floor (...yes, I'm cool like that!)

…………..WHY? ……… 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL!   
  And helllloooooooo......wasn't this wedding all about me, anyway?  

......HEY - they're just LUCKY I didn't break out the ole' "Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps!".......that's all I'm sayin'........

Tight Shorts and Camel Toe!

My shorts are definitely TOO TIGHT today!  I’m wearing Bermuda shorts right now and I don’t remember them being THIS TIGHT this morning when I put them on. ………(…… Ok….maybe I DO remember them being a little tight-fitting, but nothing like they feel now…)…. Is it my imagination, or has THIS SHIT happened to me before?  Read this......

I haven’t even freakin’ EATEN anything today. (……oh yeah……unless you count the 2 BK Bacon Wraps, the BK Breakfast Club, and the Hersey Sundae Pie from 'Burger King' that I ate on the way to work this morning…….) ….(…..yeah…..like that doesn’t surprise you……you should know by now – I’m a Hog!...)……But I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast……..well..........maybe a few sunflower seeds, a granola bar and some almonds…….. but still….. I think my shorts have actually shrunk - on my body - somehow thru-out my day today.


Like I said…I don’t really remember them being THIS TIGHT this morning…..altho, I was on my third 'Bloody Mary' when I found myself getting dressed this morning…..and come to think of it..........I really don’t remember TOO MUCH about ANY of my morning this morning……in fact….to be honest - I’m not even sure how I even got to work today!  ……..(…..HEY……DON’T JUDGE ME!.....)

So, I’m sitting here at work right now…….feeling quite faint……..about ready to pass out at my desk ……….because the top of my pants are digging into my waist and constricting the oxygen flow thru my body.  (………yeah right - like I have a waist at this point in my life……..)   I’ve got red swollen welts where the top of my shorts are digging into my stomach. …(…it’s not a pretty sight.................….just so you know............................................TRUST ME!….)

I tried pulling them way up over my belly button earlier today which gave me some relief..…but do you know what happens when you pull your pants way up high?      Can you say CAMEL – TOE? ……..(.....NOT a pretty sight either.....by the way......)     

GOOD GOD…….NOW my crotch hurts!

....more poop stories......

(If you don't like talking about POOP - you might wanna SKIP this post......I'm just sayin'..........)
Well, I did it again......(....if you're not sure what I'm talking about, read THIS post.......) ......I plugged the toilet at work AGAIN......   Well, I can't help it, people......sometimes I just gotta go.  And I've been having trouble in the poop department lately.

See, this is how it went down:  We have one bathroom in our office - just one - that we all share.  I used to wait for all my male co-workers to leave the office each morning - then - like clockwork  - it's off to the toilet I would go to do my business, same time, each day.  (.....I did this back when I thought all the men in my office didn't think I ever went poop....)      Well - I'm OVER that now - Yeah - I pretty much poop whenever I want to now!   

There was a time - a couple of years ago that I had to go SO BAD................I mean REALLY bad - and one of my male bosses was in the office that afternoon.  I kept waiting for him to get his work done and leave......but he kept sticking around doing God knows what....(....well, I certainly wasn't going to stink up the bathroom when he was in the office...you know..)......I kept having the urge........I mean REAL FREAKIN' BAD .....and I kept trying to squeeze my butt-cheeks together....you know - to keep it from 'prairie-doggin' and stuff.  Well - this lasted for about an hour, then I started getting the cold sweats and not feeling so good ...(...you know....from holding it in and all....)..........at one point I started to feel nauseated ....in fact - I can't be sure, but I think I passed out at my desk for a minute!   I decided that I needed to do something....and FAST.....SO I tried using my 'mental telepathy ninja skills' on him to make him think he had to go somewhere else, thus getting him out of the office.......(...I kept trying to project thoughts into his mind - like:  "ED - You need to LEAVE the office!"....."ED - You have to go downtown to get some lunch!".....or "ED - You need to run home and get your mail!"....or "ED - YOU NEED TO GET THE H*LL OUT OF THE FLIPPIN' OFFICE...LIKE RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW - BEFORE I EXPLODE!"....).....but that didn't work!   Finally....I just couldn't take it anymore....I was sop and wet from sweat.......on the verge of losing consciousness again.....(.....from holding my poop in for so long..).....So I grabbed a few pieces of out-going mail and told him I had to go to the post office to get these letters out ....and by God - I think he bought it!   Little did he know - instead of going to the post office - I went straight to the 'McDonalds' downtown - headed right to the public restroom and did my business.   And let me tell you - It wasn't pretty.......     Well - to Hell with that, my friends.........nope - not putting myself through that again.....EVER......

So, anyway....(...back to my original story....)......today I was taking my daily poop and low and behold - "CLOGGAGE"  (Surprise.........) The rest is as follows:
I open the door to the bathroom having discovered my toilet problem and hollar upstairs to my co-worker, Chris: 
ME:   "Chris, Are we the only ones in the office right now?  I freakin' clogged the toilet again!"
(laughter from upstairs)
(.....plunging....)
(....plunging....)
ME:  "I'm gonna try flushing it again - but I think it's going to overflow!"
(more laughter from upstairs)
(....plunging....)
(......FLUSH........)
ME:  "SHIT....I DID IT.......It's freakin' overflowing......there's poop water going all over.......damn-it.......I TOLD YOU this was gonna happen!"
(...more laughter from upstairs.....)
(.....more plunging...)
(...more plunging.....)
Chris:  (...hollering down to me from upstairs...) "You gotta plunge it really hard to get it to go down, Jenny!"
(....more plunging...)
(.....more plunging....)
ME: "Ok..........Good.........there it goes........I've got it.........it flushed.........did you hear me?.........we're all set..........it's okay now!"
(....laughter from upstairs....)
ME:  "Why does this SHIT always just happen to me, anyway?"
Chris: (...hollering down to me from upstairs....) "It doesn't, Jenny ....it happens to me sometimes too......I just don't broadcast it to the entire office!"
                      (.....well I'll be damned.....)
(photo courtesy of the internet)

Letters from Max!

Listen up, human........I need to remind you of a few things.........
#1.) Do not yell at me every time I bark?  Newsflash..............  I'm a Freakin' Dog....that's what I do!
#2.) I'm alone in this stinkin' house all day long while you're at work.....get it?......all alone!  So when you get home from work and walk in the door - don't expect me to be all non-chalant and don't expect me to entertain myself all evening long........I've been doing that ALL DAY, remember..........all by myself...... I want some attention......I want to lick your face...I want to smell your crotch and I want to play..............it's because I've been home alone ALL DAY LONG! 
#3.) I like to eat!  And just because I have a full bowl of dog food in MY dish doesn't mean I'm not hoping you'll give me some of YOUR food...........that's why I beg.....that's why I watch you eat..............helllloooooooo........have you ever tasted the dry shit you put in my bowl and call food.........your food is a whole lot better than the shit you give me!  Let's trade food for a day and see how you like it!
#4.) Do you really NOT KNOW WHY I get the shakes and I whine everytime you take me to the vet?   Are you really that stupid?    Do you think maybe it's because everytime you take me there - you leave me?! ...........with those people in the white uniforms who poke and prod me and stick me with needles.......and they usually end up shaving all my hair off - right before you come to take me home.........what the 'freaks' up with that, anyway?  I'm a dog....leave my flippin' fur alone!
#5.) and finally......... if you don't know it by now - my butt-hole itches......and dragging it across the carpeting is the only way of getting any relief........so deal with it!     .............and NO - I don't have worms........you itch your butt all the time and you don't have worms, do ya?
                                                                      Max