Softball, Drunkin Scorekeeping and Sex!

The following bit is a 'little piece' taken from an email in response to my friend Porscha when she emailed me wanting to know how things have been going with me since we hadn't talked in awhile.  I won't bore you with the entire email....here's just a portion of it:


And I quote:  "Actually I'm nursing a hangover today, Porscha. No that's not quite true.....I don't really have a hangover...I can't be sure - but I think I'm pretty much still drunk from last night.  (Hairymans Softball night) And I was on a roll - trust me!  I was supposed to be keeping score.  And it is obvious from last night that I'm pretty much the WORSE 'score-keeper' of all time....in fact, maybe the worse scorekeeper in the whole universe.   I kept screwing up and getting the score wrong....even the ref was making jokes about what a sucky scorekeeper I was.   All the people in the bleachers were laughing at me.  And I didn't even think I was that drunk....(.....so I thought....)   But I can't be sure!   At one point, one of the players was quite irritated with me.   In fact, he actually took the book away from me and gave it to someone else to keep the score-book!    (...well....I really didn't want to keep score anyway......I just can't be trusted to pay that close attention to a softball game when there's alcohol and friends involved.......what the freak were they thinking putting me in charge of the book and keeping score anyway?)


Cinnamon took me to her house after the games.......all I remember is chowing down 'taquitos' and 'taco meat' and 'left-over mashed potatoes' and I think there was dancing.........yes, I'm pretty sure that dancing was involved.........I can't quite remember if there was music playing or not, tho........I might have been just 'getting my groove on' out on the dance floor with myself in silence (....the dance floor being Cinnamon's kitchen, of course....)   

Then Cinnamon's daughter took me home.....(......thank God for teenagers that can drive......)


I got home and was all horny of course - so I took a shower, shaved my legs, brushed my teeth....(attempted to get my sexy on)....butt-naked and lotioned up - and crawled into bed to wait for Hairyman to get home....


Next thing I know I'm laying on the couch with Max (my dog) lying beside me.............haven't a clue how I got there ......my legs are cut up and raw from razor burn (NOTE TO SELF: Don't shave legs while drunk)..........I have dried toothpaste all over my face (NOTE TO SELF: Don't brush teeth while drunk).....I don't even remember Hairyman getting home.....and I'm not sure if Hairyman and I ever did have sex or not..............I'm just hoping that I didn't have sex with Max!"    End of Quote


IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  This email and post was written with the sole purpose of humor.......(that's what I do - make people laugh).......in no way what-so-ever did I or have I ever had sex with my dog!   ......I'm just sayin'......                                                             

If you see ME running - I'm probably being chased by a rabid panther....

I’m into RUNNING now. (Aren’t you impressed?) The other day I went out and bought myself a cute little running outfit, a new pair of tennis shoes, and a running belt.   The running belt holds my drivers license, some money, my credit card, my IPod, my cell phone, my lipstick, a pocket mirror, poise pads and 2 jackknives.


JUST A FEW NOTES:

1.)  The running outfit looks a H*LL of a lot better on the mannequin then it does on me……(…..maybe because the ‘freakin’ mannequin is a size 4 …….and doesn’t have any muffin top…)………I HATE YOU MANNEQUIN!

2.)  My new tennis shoes are too small for my feet and my big toe keeps jamming into the front of my shoe when I run…..(….I can’t be sure but I think my toenail on my big toe on my left foot is close to falling off right now ……and it’s not pretty…and it hurts...)

3.)  The money and I.D. are for when I happen to jog past a bar and need to stop for some Vodka – which pretty much happens all the time when I run.   Usually I stay too long at the bar and I have to call Hairyman to come pick me up.   Which doesn’t make him too happy………but no worries………I just bribe him with sexual favors of course……….But now I’ve started carrying '1 ounce shot bottles of Vodka' in my running belt.  (…aren’t you amazed at how smart I am?)

4.)  The credit card if for when I run out of cash at the bar…….hellllooooo…...

5.)  The jackknife is to defend myself against the freaky maniacal killer who is stalking behind me on the path with full intentions of raping me and torturing me and then killing me and cutting me up into little pieces and then feeding me to his pet komodo dragon that he keeps in the basement of his parents house…….(…..cause you KNOW he must live at home!).

6.)  Or…….the jackknife can also help with protecting myself against the panther that I’ve talked myself into believing is going to jump me on the trail one day and eat my face off.

7.)  And like I’m gonna leave home without my lipstick….or a mirror….hellllooooo…... I need to check myself out 'now and then' to see that I’m still looking ‘HOT’ in my running attire.     ON A SIDE NOTE:  The mirror can be used to start a fire in the forest if I get lost on the path and have to spend the night in the woods.

8.)  The 2nd jackknife is just in case I lose the first jackknife.

9.)  Poise Pads……..I think that’s self explanatory, don’t you?

So I’m running now…………well, that’s not really true …………I haven’t really been running ………... I think we better call it JOGGING instead…………..well, that’s not really true either..............actually it’s more like ‘fast-walking’…………well….. ‘fast-walking’ isn’t really accurate either.

Oh, Hell…….If the truth be known… I guess one could just say that I’ve been taking a few leisurely walks now and then.   And I’m not even walking very fast, trust me…....(....hey……walking fast make me tired and gets me out of breath……and it makes me sweat……..and I don’t like getting all sweaty and tired when I work out.)

Anyway…..now I have ‘shin-spints’ and how the freak I could get shin-spints in the first place is beyond me…because I’m hardly walking very fast at all.   In fact last time I took a walk, I spent 20 minutes out of my 30 minute walk picking up pine cones and acorns from along the side of the road. HEY – Don’t Judge Me!