...............................................................................

A REPOST: Beauty Sleep, Hybrid Panther Cats and I look like 'Monkey Butt' today...(...I'm just sayin'.....)..

2012-02-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

In about 3 weeks I'm going up North to visit some close friends. We're getting together for a 'Girls Weekend' and I'm really excited because I haven't seen these people in quite awhile! One of the last times that we got together was a lot of fun - BUT I did have some issues the next morning! ........SOOOOOO, with me being both lazy and not in the mood to post lately..... (which is beside the point, really)...... I've decided to repost a post that I wrote a few years ago about the last time we got together...........ENJOY!

OK, girlfriends….it was great spending time with you guys, I’ll give you that! But I seriously can’t believe that I looked at the clock last night and it was almost 2AM……guess it was a good thing I went to bed when I did. NOTE: 5:30AM came way too early this morning! …………(just thought I’d let you know - since you two bitches were still in bed when I left the house, because neither of YOU TWO had to work today......) I did happen to hit snooze for about 40 minutes before I actually got out of bed this morning…………..… but that was after your stupid cat (who I still believe isn’t really a cat at all, but a ‘miniature hybrid panther’ judging from the size of the animal.............) …...decided to cough up hairballs for ½ hour outside my bedroom door at 4AM. (.......it took me everything I had to not light the freakin' thing on fire.........I'm just sayin'..........) So after hitting the snooze button for 40 minutes, I finally jumped out of bed and realized I had about 5 minutes to get ready for work. I tripped over your pet panther on my way to the bathroom (about putting my eye out and dislocating my knee.) I did appreciate your hospitality of leaving the kitchen light on so I would be able to see while I was getting around this morning. I made it to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, applied deodorant, threw on my clothes and headed out of the bathroom only to find someone had gotten up in the 3 1/2 minutes that it took me to get ready in the bathroom to shut ALL the freakin’ lights off in the house. “WTF?” Are you kidding me? Were you people just trying to “F*CK” with me? Were you behind your bedroom doors covering your mouths to stifle your laughs while I tripped over the ‘pet panther cat’ and cussed while trying to find my way around your house with my arms outstretched in the pitch dark like a blind woman who had lost her cane? Evidently no one in your house has ever heard of a little invention called a ‘NIGHT LIGHT’. I did decide to use my cell phone screen as a make-shift flashlight, I made it outside to my car, which you so graciously let me park in your garage, (......but you did forget to tell me where the freakin’ door opener was………thank you very much - friend.....) spent the next 5 minutes searching the walls of the garage for the garage door opener, which ended up being INSIDE your house door (who the freak puts the garage door button INSIDE the house) Nobody…….heellloooooooo! Once my car was out of your garage, picture me spending the next 7 minutes attempting to close the garage door by pushing the button and running to try to make it under the door before it closed….(.......yeah...close your eyes....see it in your mind, will you.......)........well, it didn’t work…......some idiot decided to put a little feature in THIS garage door that prevents it from closing when I run under it............GENIOUS, I TELL YOU............I pretty much thought I'd pass out from all that running back and forth......…at this point let the damn garage door come down and crush me...........I already have a bum eye and limp from falling over the pather, remember? (Oh and my car thermometer registered a whopping 2 degrees outside this morning friends...good thing I was working up a sweat running back and forth under the damn garage door) …….That's when I realized I didn’t put my car in park as I watched it begin to roll down your driveway. OMG…….ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Sorry, closing the garage door just didn’t seem too important to me right then……..”In fact – SCREW THE GARAGE DOOR………Now picture me running down the driveway toward my car........good thing I'm up to date with my 'Chuck Norris moves 'making it easier for me to slip inside and hit the brakes before my car backed down into the ditch. (It's actually a miracle that I didn’t kill myself this morning, now that I think about it) I have a headache right now and I about fell asleep on my way to work…….. I kept slapping myself across the face and hanging my arm out the window to keep me awake for the 1 ½ hour drive. And for future reference – you should know that I require a minimum of 7 hours of beauty sleep to maintain my fabulous hot-ness on a daily basis!....... So make a note! (3 hours of sleep just doesn’t cut it anymore!) I just looked in the mirror and I look like 'MONKEY ASS' today! I have absolutely no makeup on, I forgot to comb my hair and I just noticed my shirt was on inside out! And something stinks .............and I can't be sure, but it might be me! (It's another miracle that they allow me to work here looking like this!) Oh yeah…..and did I mention on my 1 1/2 hour drive to work this morning that I was about ready to stab a fork in the eyeball of the guy who decided to tailgate me for a 40 mile stretch of highway (with his ‘High Beams’ on………thank you very much, Jack-ass) ….because apparently 60 miles an hour isn’t fast enough to drive at 6AM in the morning ………. pitch dark outside, trying to dodge deer and all the other objects that were in my vision due to my night blindness, and on top of that it was snowing SIDEWAYS outside, you moron! Anyway.......Love you Kelly and Mary! How was your freakin' morning?

Jenny's 'Coyote Ugly Butt-Less Chaps'....

2012-01-18T13:24:00.000-05:00

If you know me at all, you know that I have this 'on-going fasination' ...(OBSESSIVE ANAL FASCINATION....)....with

my 'Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps!'

I've had several people ask me the following question:

"Aren't ALL chaps butt-less?"

My response is as follows:

"Why YES, ALL chaps are butt-less...........

but I SERIOUSLY REALLY LIKE saying 'Butt-less Chaps' so that's what I say!"

And I've had several ladies approach me and want to know WHERE I got my "Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps".......well, I didn't BUY them.........I MADE THEM! (....YES - I am THAT talented, people!)

Actually I stole the idea from Brooke Hogan.......

(photo of Brooke Hogan in her 'butt-less chaps' taken from the internett)

Altho I have a little more 'Class' than Brooke Hogan.............

and I'll admit that 'MY ASS' looks BETTER in them then Brooke Hogans....

......I'm just sayin'..........

..........sooooooooooooooo..............

You want my 'Secret Pattern?'

Well, here goes...........

.....take a regular pair of your jeans ..........

.....now 'CUT THEM' ....(See below).....

And the final product will be as follows....

Now put on a belt, add a sexy top and hitch up your cowboy boots and you'll be all set!

(AND don't forget to wear some sexy underwear.... for GOSH SAKE's.....not your 'old stained granny-pannies'.........)

NOTE: At first I was a little hesitant regarding letting

you in on my 'Secret Pattern'...but then I thought to myself........

who am I foolin' ???

There's NO WAY in H*LL that you girls will look as good in yours as I do in mine!!

......so ENJOY!

Bot Flies and Bungie Jumping........

2012-01-09T14:54:00.000-05:00

Things that I’m thinking about today:

I’ve decided that the things that mattered most to me when I was younger aren’t as important to me now…….

I’ve decided that there are a lot worse things in life than being overweight…….like – being STUPID! Or being a BITCH!

I know that life flies by and you shouldn’t waste one minute of it …..because you only get one crack at it and it’s up to you to make the best of it………..so I’ve decided to enjoy the simple things and be happy...........(........regardless of the fact that I have 'BOT FLIES' living in my body.....)

And lastly..............

Have you listened to the news lately?

Well I’m pretty sure that I WON’T be going ‘Bungee Jumping’ any time soon……..helllllooooooo…… (….a perfect example WHY one shouldn’t Bungee Jump…..I’m just sayin’……….) .....it might be just me, but plummeting into a raging alligater infested river in Africa just isn't my idea of FUN!

Go to: http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/01/tourist-survives-365-foot-plunge-when-bungee-cord-snaps/598995/1?csp=hf

Or see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNmoqzMPOo0 (...and watch closely...)

(Acual picture of me 'bungie jumping'.........NOT!)

On a side note:

I can't be sure ....but I'm fairly certain that my 'Bot Fly' infestation (....you know - the bot flies that I have living in my back and my boobs....) Well - they're slowly dying off..... and I have a theory!

....I'll keep you posted.....

Skin Rabies or Bot Flies...........

2012-01-04T14:31:00.000-05:00

The other night (December 26, 2011) I woke up and I have a rash on my back and my chest…..(........not a pretty sight, let me TELL you.........) I hunted for bed bugs and spiders but none could be found. (I work for a pest control company, so I'm fairly confident that I DO know what I’m doing, yes!)

So I’m 99 % sure I don’t have bed bugs and getting bit by a spider goes against everything that I’ve been taught through my job (..........meaning the chances of being bit by a spider are very rare in my neck of the woods.)

So what could my 'bites/ rash' BE you ask?

1.) In the middle of the night, someone could have took a 'straight pin' and poked me in the back and the boobs a few times…………(….altho, WHY anyone would do this – I’m not sure!)

2.) I used too much bleach while washing my bra out and I could be having a bad reaction to the excessive bleach in my bra!

3.) The little bites or holes in my skin are actually the wounds made from the pitch forks and ice picks of the dreaded garden gnomes that decided to attack me that night.

............or..............4.) Bot Flies

…………..I’m going with ‘Bot Flies’………yeah, I can't be sure........(......but I'm fairly certain........) that a few flies laid their eggs in my skin and now I have little 'bot fly larvae’s' growing in my back and on my boobs…...….I’m just sayin’……

(...actual photo of the bot flies in my skin......BUT they're not in my arm - they're in my back and boobs!)

..........I'll keep you posted on the little devils.........

(......the picture was actually taken from the internet, you fools!)

.........hiccup.........

2011-12-22T14:42:00.000-05:00

I hope you take great comfort

(....hiccup.....) in knowing that the

VODKA that I drank using the

money set aside for your gift

helped me get over the guilt

of not getting you a gift this year!

Merry (....hiccup.....) Christmas!

Disclaimer: I don't know who originally said this quote, but it was very fitting......so I decided to use it, as it pertains to me!

Imagine my surprise...........Garden Gnomes in MY yard!

2011-12-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

I've been out of town for 3 weeks. Imagine my surprise when I returned home to find my yard full of Garden Gnomes. Yes ................. I'd like to thank the kind person who decided that it would be a hilarious idea to fill my yard with garden gnomes while I was away!

Just so you know ...... I WILL find you! I don't know when and I don't know how - but I will find out who you are..............and I will hurt you! .......(.....I'm just sayin'.........)..

What is it with sticking FORKS in people's EYES these days?

2011-11-16T13:06:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know…….things just aren’t the way they used to be…(..like me posting at least one or two posts a week…)....like back in the ole’ days………. Well, cry me a river, people………I’ve been busy! I actually had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago. …….a nervous breakdown...(.....if you’d like me to be more specific…)……there – feel better now?

………..NOT the kind of nervous breakdown that puts me in the hospital (looney bin) or the kind of meltdown that makes me want to do bodily harm to myself or other people and land me in a psycho ward or prison for attempted murder…….no – not that kind of nervous breakdown……(…altho, lately I’ve had this strong urge to stick forks in people's eyes..........especially - stupid people's eyes…...and skinny people's eyes....) …..but I read somewhere that it’s illegal to stick forks in people’s eyes – so I haven’t acted on that urge............YET!

There for a while, to be honest, I was just feeling a little overwhelmed with my life and everything that I have had going on these last couple of months.......I just needed a day or two (....or maybe a week or month...)....to throw myself a 'pity party' and be lazy and complain about how busy I am and call in sick to work and do nothing but lay around on the couch in my pajamas and eat cheeseburgers and complain about how fat I am and watch 'The New Adventure of Old Christine' reruns!   (Ever have one of those weeks - or months?)

Well - I'm over it now! So no worries!

Conversation with my boss the other day at work: (……..Note: I have 2 bosses where I work…)

Boss: (…let’s call him Ed……. because that’s his name in real life…..) “Jenny, are you okay? You haven’t been yourself lately?”

ME:   I’m fine…..you would know it if something was wrong. Like, you always know when I’m mad at you, don’t you? In the 9 years that I’ve worked here, I’ve only been mad at you two or three times……and you can tell when something’s wrong and I’m mad at you right?………..like mad - like I wanna stick a fork in your eyeball kindof mad, right?

ME:   Actually Ed, you only pissing me off 2-3 times in about 9 years of working for you isn’t really bad at all.   Unlike Bill! ........Now, Bill (....we’ll call my other boss, Bill…cause that’s HIS name in real life…..) Now, Bill – on the other hand – I pretty much want to stick forks in his eyes on a daily basis! ....(.........I'm just sayin'.......)

Random Thinking....

2011-10-24T13:48:00.000-04:00

Things I’m thinking about today:

I seriously wish I could quit my job so that I could spend more time on ‘Pinterest’!

You say ‘LOL’……..while I say ‘ILSHTIPMPASMV’ .............(‘I laughed so hard that I peed my pants and spilled my Vodka!’)

I never leave the shower curtain closed in my bathroom for fear that a maniacal killer will be hiding behind it!         (.........hellloooo.....it could happen......don't you watch TV, people?.........)

Wouldn’t it be awesome if I could get paid to read books!    In fact I think I just found my new 'DREAM JOB!'

Am I the only one who has a crush on the Prince in Disney’s ‘Little Mermaid’?   (I often dream that I’m Arial……just so I can ‘do the dirty' with the ‘dreamy’ Prince Eric!) (.........and yes...........I DO realize that he's a cartoon.....I'm not an idiot, people!)

I’ve decided that I’m not really FAT ………….I can't be sure - but I'm fairly certain that I must be one of those woman you hear about or you see on television who don’t know their pregnant .........so one of these days I'm pretty sure I’m gonna be sitting on the toilet and out will pop a baby! (.......and yes.........I've got my overnight bag packed and have been going back and forth with baby names............)    (........yeah - like that's the least of my worries if INDEED I am actually pregnant!)

                    Later.....

Are you Ready?

2011-10-08T05:00:00.001-04:00

Sorry that I haven't been around in awhile .......I've been very busy........like.....preparing for the

'Zombie Gnome Apocalypse'!

It's coming people.....I tell you......And My God we have to be READY!

(picture courtesy of the internet)

....helllooooo......

2011-10-07T10:18:00.000-04:00

Softball, Drunkin Scorekeeping and Sex!

2011-09-22T13:03:00.000-04:00

The following bit is a 'little piece' taken from an email in response to my friend Porscha when she emailed me wanting to know how things have been going with me since we hadn't talked in awhile. I won't bore you with the entire email....here's just a portion of it:

And I quote: "Actually I'm nursing a hangover today, Porscha. No that's not quite true.....I don't really have a hangover...I can't be sure - but I think I'm pretty much still drunk from last night. (Hairymans Softball night) And I was on a roll - trust me! I was supposed to be keeping score. And it is obvious from last night that I'm pretty much the WORSE 'score-keeper' of all time....in fact, maybe the worse scorekeeper in the whole universe.   I kept screwing up and getting the score wrong....even the ref was making jokes about what a sucky scorekeeper I was.   All the people in the bleachers were laughing at me. And I didn't even think I was that drunk....(.....so I thought....)   But I can't be sure!   At one point, one of the players was quite irritated with me.   In fact, he actually took the book away from me and gave it to someone else to keep the score-book!   (...well....I really didn't want to keep score anyway......I just can't be trusted to pay that close attention to a softball game when there's alcohol and friends involved.......what the freak were they thinking putting me in charge of the book and keeping score anyway?)

Cinnamon took me to her house after the games.......all I remember is chowing down 'taquitos' and 'taco meat' and 'left-over mashed potatoes' and I think there was dancing.........yes, I'm pretty sure that dancing was involved.........I can't quite remember if there was music playing or not, tho........I might have been just 'getting my groove on' out on the dance floor with myself in silence (....the dance floor being Cinnamon's kitchen, of course....)

Then Cinnamon's daughter took me home.....(......thank God for teenagers that can drive......)

I got home and was all horny of course - so I took a shower, shaved my legs, brushed my teeth....(attempted to get my sexy on)....butt-naked and lotioned up - and crawled into bed to wait for Hairyman to get home....

Next thing I know I'm laying on the couch with Max (my dog) lying beside me.............haven't a clue how I got there ......my legs are cut up and raw from razor burn (NOTE TO SELF: Don't shave legs while drunk)..........I have dried toothpaste all over my face (NOTE TO SELF: Don't brush teeth while drunk).....I don't even remember Hairyman getting home.....and I'm not sure if Hairyman and I ever did have sex or not..............I'm just hoping that I didn't have sex with Max!"    End of Quote

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This email and post was written with the sole purpose of humor.......(that's what I do - make people laugh).......in no way what-so-ever did I or have I ever had sex with my dog!   ......I'm just sayin'......

If you see ME running - I'm probably being chased by a rabid panther....

2011-09-09T13:59:00.000-04:00

I’m into RUNNING now. (Aren’t you impressed?) The other day I went out and bought myself a cute little running outfit, a new pair of tennis shoes, and a running belt. The running belt holds my drivers license, some money, my credit card, my IPod, my cell phone, my lipstick, a pocket mirror, poise pads and 2 jackknives.

JUST A FEW NOTES:

1.) The running outfit looks a H*LL of a lot better on the mannequin then it does on me……(…..maybe because the ‘freakin’ mannequin is a size 4 …….and doesn’t have any muffin top…)………I HATE YOU MANNEQUIN!

2.) My new tennis shoes are too small for my feet and my big toe keeps jamming into the front of my shoe when I run…..(….I can’t be sure but I think my toenail on my big toe on my left foot is close to falling off right now ……and it’s not pretty…and it hurts...)

3.) The money and I.D. are for when I happen to jog past a bar and need to stop for some Vodka – which pretty much happens all the time when I run.   Usually I stay too long at the bar and I have to call Hairyman to come pick me up.   Which doesn’t make him too happy………but no worries………I just bribe him with sexual favors of course……….But now I’ve started carrying '1 ounce shot bottles of Vodka' in my running belt. (…aren’t you amazed at how smart I am?)

4.) The credit card if for when I run out of cash at the bar…….hellllooooo…...

5.) The jackknife is to defend myself against the freaky maniacal killer who is stalking behind me on the path with full intentions of raping me and torturing me and then killing me and cutting me up into little pieces and then feeding me to his pet komodo dragon that he keeps in the basement of his parents house…….(…..cause you KNOW he must live at home!).

6.) Or…….the jackknife can also help with protecting myself against the panther that I’ve talked myself into believing is going to jump me on the trail one day and eat my face off.

7.) And like I’m gonna leave home without my lipstick….or a mirror….hellllooooo…... I need to check myself out 'now and then' to see that I’m still looking ‘HOT’ in my running attire.     ON A SIDE NOTE: The mirror can be used to start a fire in the forest if I get lost on the path and have to spend the night in the woods.

8.) The 2nd jackknife is just in case I lose the first jackknife.

9.) Poise Pads……..I think that’s self explanatory, don’t you?

So I’m running now…………well, that’s not really true …………I haven’t really been running ………... I think we better call it JOGGING instead…………..well, that’s not really true either..............actually it’s more like ‘fast-walking’…………well….. ‘fast-walking’ isn’t really accurate either.

Oh, Hell…….If the truth be known… I guess one could just say that I’ve been taking a few leisurely walks now and then.   And I’m not even walking very fast, trust me…....(....hey……walking fast make me tired and gets me out of breath……and it makes me sweat……..and I don’t like getting all sweaty and tired when I work out.)

Anyway…..now I have ‘shin-spints’ and how the freak I could get shin-spints in the first place is beyond me…because I’m hardly walking very fast at all. In fact last time I took a walk, I spent 20 minutes out of my 30 minute walk picking up pine cones and acorns from along the side of the road. HEY – Don’t Judge Me!

2011-09-08T15:12:00.000-04:00

'My Freak Sunflower Seed Accident'

2011-08-25T19:07:00.000-04:00

I've been eating sunflower seeds all day long today (....which I'm guessing
might have something to do with me being fat and all......just a
thought..........) .....anyway......beside the fact that I've ate so many of
them today that my mouth is actually RAW and I have NO SENSE OF TASTE left
on my tongue......well, you know how you're supposed to break the outer seed
of the sunflower seed in your mouth, eat the soft innards and SPIT OUT the
hard shell? Well, to my horror - I just did the opposite..............I
just SPIT OUT the 'inner soft part' and SWALLOWED the hard shell..........WHOLE........I swallowed it FREAKIN' WHOLE - PEOPLE......................... in
fact, I can't be sure....but I think I might be choking to death RIGHT
NOW......as we speak.........

......hypothetically..... let's just say I DON'T choke to death .... I can tell you RIGHT
NOW I have the hard shell of a sunflower seed LODGED in the back of my
throat.......I can feel it grinding into my skin every time I swallow..............yes I can........and it was a freakin' huge seed too......sorta
the size of a 'Lincoln Log'........(......but a Lincoln Log that's been
sharpened on both ends, mind you.........)....and every time I swallow I can feel it
digging deeper into the flesh of my throat and I'm sure it's working it's
way to the base of my skull where it will then make its way into my spinal
cord ............and eventually that seed is gonna get LODGED in my spinal
cord and paralyze me and it's not gonna be a good thing.......not a very
good thing AT ALL...........and when THAT happens.... (...you know when I'm
paralyzed and everything.....) ... you'll all probably be wishing you
would've paid a little more attention to me when I was telling you about
my 'freak sunflower seed accident!' ...............(.....I'm just sayin'.........)

Things I've been pondering the last few weeks:

2011-08-17T12:25:00.000-04:00

1.) I’m FAT! I just got the pictures back from my sons wedding and I look like a HOG! I have no neck……really ‘NO NECK” (…you think I’m joking..) …….. I look like a linebacker…………..it’s gross!

2.) And with all this talk about me being Fat and all.........I’ve decided that I really don’t care for skinny people anymore - I think they're 'shifty'....being all thin and lookin' all hot and sexy in there skinny bodies and all......…GO EAT A SANDWICH - YOU BEOTCHES! Skinny women can’t be trusted! Just ask yourself – why ARE they so skinny? Is it because they’ve discovered a 'miracle skinny pill' that keeps them in their young-toned-sexy-bodies? Well I think they have……….and I wanna know why the FREAK aren’t they sharing it with me? The bitches! I hate em’……..

3.) I’ve decided I’m lazy…...(…I’m just gonna throw this out there…but maybe me being lazy has something to do with me being fat……I’m just sayin’….) Lately all I wanna do is sit at my computer and drink, blog, pin, drink, eat…drink…. (…hmmm……I’m starting to see a pattern here…….)

4.) I really like ‘Vodka’ ….like I like it A LOT…..I’m not joking….. in fact - I wish I could drink it every day………It makes me HAPPY……and things seem a lot more FUN when I’m drinking Vodka……oh, and….I don’t look as Fat when I’m drinking Vodka……….and Hairyman says it makes me a lot easier to live with…..(…well, he says that and my Prozac, that is…..)

Wearing sweaty Long Dresses, Singing with my Son and making Wedding Memories!

2011-07-27T18:00:00.001-04:00

My son got married this last weekend …(….yes, I know - you’re all thinking I can’t possibly be old enough and I certainly don’t LOOK old enough to have a grown son……But I Do!)…….and of course I got all dressed up and made myself look beautiful for the wedding….(…. which wasn’t very hard for me, since I’m already pretty ‘Smokin Hot’ anyway…)

I wore a LONG DRESS to the wedding (…cause I was the ‘Mother of the Groom’ and that’s what we mother of the grooms do …..) ……anyway……. it was freakin’ HOT on Saturday and I was sweatin’ like a Hog all day long.......and the air conditioning wasn’t working in the reception hall and I was getting sick & tired of sweating in my long sweaty dress.....(...and I was already ornery because the ice in my cocktails was melting way too fast in my drinks - due to the heat....)......and I kept tripping over my dress because I had had way too much VODKA anyway........besides - no-one could see my sexy supple legs under my stupid long dress, right?....…. (....and I was a little pissed to begin with - because everyone said I COULDN'T wear WHITE to the wedding.....)....(....and why the hell couldn't the mother of the groom carry flowers?) .............I'm just sayin'....

........so by the end of the reception….(just so you know) …I HAD HAD ENOUGH....I found a pair of scissors and I cut my 'flippin' dress OFF…..yep…that’s right….(....NO....I didn't cut the whole damn dress off, people .......it was my son's wedding for Gosh Sakes....).....I just cut the BOTTOM HALF OFF - leaving me with a short dress to wear at the reception - instead of having to wear my long dress all night....) .........kinda like LONG to SHORT in 3 minutes….(....actually - now that I think about it - I'm a GENIUS to have thought of such a great idea....) Maybe I'll have to patent my long dress/short dress idea....hmmmm.......(.....I just figured if I ever wanted to wear the stupid dress LONG again - I'd just sew it back together - right?.... ) Like I said - I'M A FLIPPIN' GENIUS!.....

.........then my son and I proceeded to do our Karaoke rendition of ‘Crystal Ball’ by ‘Styx’ during the ‘Mother/ Son’ dance……(...yes, we're Classy like that!)   .....then I did the ‘Thriller Dance’ with all my friends on the dance floor (...yes, I'm cool like that!)

…………..WHY? ……… 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL!
And helllloooooooo......wasn't this wedding all about me, anyway?

......HEY - they're just LUCKY I didn't break out the ole' "Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps!".......that's all I'm sayin'........

Tight Shorts and Camel Toe!

2011-07-14T18:00:00.001-04:00

My shorts are definitely TOO TIGHT today! I’m wearing Bermuda shorts right now and I don’t remember them being THIS TIGHT this morning when I put them on. ………(…… Ok….maybe I DO remember them being a little tight-fitting, but nothing like they feel now…)…. Is it my imagination, or has THIS SHIT happened to me before? Read this......

I haven’t even freakin’ EATEN anything today. (……oh yeah……unless you count the 2 BK Bacon Wraps, the BK Breakfast Club, and the Hersey Sundae Pie from 'Burger King' that I ate on the way to work this morning…….) ….(…..yeah…..like that doesn’t surprise you……you should know by now – I’m a Hog!...)……But I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast……..well..........maybe a few sunflower seeds, a granola bar and some almonds…….. but still….. I think my shorts have actually shrunk - on my body - somehow thru-out my day today.

Like I said…I don’t really remember them being THIS TIGHT this morning…..altho, I was on my third 'Bloody Mary' when I found myself getting dressed this morning…..and come to think of it..........I really don’t remember TOO MUCH about ANY of my morning this morning……in fact….to be honest - I’m not even sure how I even got to work today! ……..(…..HEY……DON’T JUDGE ME!.....)

So, I’m sitting here at work right now…….feeling quite faint……..about ready to pass out at my desk ……….because the top of my pants are digging into my waist and constricting the oxygen flow thru my body. (………yeah right - like I have a waist at this point in my life……..) I’ve got red swollen welts where the top of my shorts are digging into my stomach. …(…it’s not a pretty sight.................….just so you know............................................TRUST ME!….)

I tried pulling them way up over my belly button earlier today which gave me some relief..…but do you know what happens when you pull your pants way up high? Can you say CAMEL – TOE? ……..(.....NOT a pretty sight either.....by the way......)

GOOD GOD…….NOW my crotch hurts!

....more poop stories......

2011-07-08T22:45:00.000-04:00

(If you don't like talking about POOP - you might wanna SKIP this post......I'm just sayin'..........)
Well, I did it again......(....if you're not sure what I'm talking about, read THIS post.......) ......I plugged the toilet at work AGAIN......   Well, I can't help it, people......sometimes I just gotta go. And I've been having trouble in the poop department lately.

See, this is how it went down: We have one bathroom in our office - just one - that we all share. I used to wait for all my male co-workers to leave the office each morning - then - like clockwork - it's off to the toilet I would go to do my business, same time, each day.  (.....I did this back when I thought all the men in my office didn't think I ever went poop....)      Well - I'm OVER that now - Yeah - I pretty much poop whenever I want to now!

There was a time - a couple of years ago that I had to go SO BAD................I mean REALLY bad - and one of my male bosses was in the office that afternoon. I kept waiting for him to get his work done and leave......but he kept sticking around doing God knows what....(....well, I certainly wasn't going to stink up the bathroom when he was in the office...you know..)......I kept having the urge........I mean REAL FREAKIN' BAD .....and I kept trying to squeeze my butt-cheeks together....you know - to keep it from 'prairie-doggin' and stuff. Well - this lasted for about an hour, then I started getting the cold sweats and not feeling so good ...(...you know....from holding it in and all....)..........at one point I started to feel nauseated ....in fact - I can't be sure, but I think I passed out at my desk for a minute!   I decided that I needed to do something....and FAST.....SO I tried using my 'mental telepathy ninja skills' on him to make him think he had to go somewhere else, thus getting him out of the office.......(...I kept trying to project thoughts into his mind - like: "ED - You need to LEAVE the office!"....."ED - You have to go downtown to get some lunch!".....or "ED - You need to run home and get your mail!"....or "ED - YOU NEED TO GET THE H*LL OUT OF THE FLIPPIN' OFFICE...LIKE RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW - BEFORE I EXPLODE!"....).....but that didn't work!   Finally....I just couldn't take it anymore....I was sop and wet from sweat.......on the verge of losing consciousness again.....(.....from holding my poop in for so long..).....So I grabbed a few pieces of out-going mail and told him I had to go to the post office to get these letters out ....and by God - I think he bought it!   Little did he know - instead of going to the post office - I went straight to the 'McDonalds' downtown - headed right to the public restroom and did my business.   And let me tell you - It wasn't pretty.......     Well - to Hell with that, my friends.........nope - not putting myself through that again.....EVER......

So, anyway....(...back to my original story....)......today I was taking my daily poop and low and behold - "CLOGGAGE" (Surprise.........) The rest is as follows:
I open the door to the bathroom having discovered my toilet problem and hollar upstairs to my co-worker, Chris:
ME: "Chris, Are we the only ones in the office right now? I freakin' clogged the toilet again!"
(laughter from upstairs)
(.....plunging....)
(....plunging....)
ME: "I'm gonna try flushing it again - but I think it's going to overflow!"
(more laughter from upstairs)
(....plunging....)
(......FLUSH........)
ME: "SHIT....I DID IT.......It's freakin' overflowing......there's poop water going all over.......damn-it.......I TOLD YOU this was gonna happen!"
(...more laughter from upstairs.....)
(.....more plunging...)
(...more plunging.....)
Chris: (...hollering down to me from upstairs...) "You gotta plunge it really hard to get it to go down, Jenny!"
(....more plunging...)
(.....more plunging....)
ME: "Ok..........Good.........there it goes........I've got it.........it flushed.........did you hear me?.........we're all set..........it's okay now!"
(....laughter from upstairs....)
ME: "Why does this SHIT always just happen to me, anyway?"
Chris: (...hollering down to me from upstairs....) "It doesn't, Jenny ....it happens to me sometimes too......I just don't broadcast it to the entire office!"
                      (.....well I'll be damned.....)
(photo courtesy of the internet)

Letters from Max!

2011-07-01T12:30:00.001-04:00

Listen up, human........I need to remind you of a few things.........
#1.) Do not yell at me every time I bark? Newsflash.............. I'm a Freakin' Dog....that's what I do!
#2.) I'm alone in this stinkin' house all day long while you're at work.....get it?......all alone! So when you get home from work and walk in the door - don't expect me to be all non-chalant and don't expect me to entertain myself all evening long........I've been doing that ALL DAY, remember..........all by myself...... I want some attention......I want to lick your face...I want to smell your crotch and I want to play..............it's because I've been home alone ALL DAY LONG!
#3.) I like to eat! And just because I have a full bowl of dog food in MY dish doesn't mean I'm not hoping you'll give me some of YOUR food...........that's why I beg.....that's why I watch you eat..............helllloooooooo........have you ever tasted the dry shit you put in my bowl and call food.........your food is a whole lot better than the shit you give me! Let's trade food for a day and see how you like it!
#4.) Do you really NOT KNOW WHY I get the shakes and I whine everytime you take me to the vet?   Are you really that stupid?    Do you think maybe it's because everytime you take me there - you leave me?! ...........with those people in the white uniforms who poke and prod me and stick me with needles.......and they usually end up shaving all my hair off - right before you come to take me home.........what the 'freaks' up with that, anyway?  I'm a dog....leave my flippin' fur alone!
#5.) and finally......... if you don't know it by now - my butt-hole itches......and dragging it across the carpeting is the only way of getting any relief........so deal with it!     .............and NO - I don't have worms........you itch your butt all the time and you don't have worms, do ya?
                                                                      Max

'Oh Gnome You Don't!' Board Game? You Gotta be 'FREAKIN' Kidding Me!

2011-06-28T17:30:00.001-04:00

........so I'm online shopping the other day for board games for my family and look what popped up on my screen......

.......a FLIPPIN' Gnome Board Game..............

....so the description of the game is as follows:

“Oh Gnome You Don’t!” Board Game 2-5 players, ages 13+, 90 minutes It’s adventure time for gnomes as they travel and gather items along the forest trail. Typically cheerful and friendly, the little gnomes let greed and aggression get the best of them as they get into brawls, play tricks, and set traps to be able to grab up and trade for the most gems by the end of the game.

It’s a Gnome-tastic Adventure!!

A 'GNOME'-tastic Adventure?

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?

Who the H*LL buys this shit, anyway?

........like I want this kind of freaky stuff laying around my house!

My Name is Jenny Brown!

2011-06-24T06:00:00.001-04:00

*I am 45 years old.
*I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
*I am an optimist.
*I know that life isn’t easy.
*I know that life isn’t fair and I’m okay with that.
*I know that ‘Life is Good!’
*I know that the most important things in my life aren’t things!
*I know that I only get one chance at this life – so I shouldn’t screw it up!
*I know that there are millions of people less fortunate than I.
*I believe that you should tell your family that you love them every day.
*I believe everyone has a choice to be who they want to be.
*I choose to be happy!
*I know not to waste my time worrying about what other people think of me anymore.
*I know that life shouldn’t be about ‘Drama’ …it should be about the simple things.
*I understand that I am getting older - and I’m okay with that – I’ve had my time!
*I believe that I am a good person.
*I believe everyone should go out of their way to be nice - even if you don't want to.
*I believe that 'Life is too short' to spend time worrying about the things you cannot change.
*I believe that you shouldn't judge a person until you know their story.
*I know not to worry about the things I don't have, but feel fortunate for the things I do have.

*I believe that you should never give up on your dreams....as silly as they may be!
*I like who I am - imperfections and all!
*I believe you should "ALWAYS BELIEVE!"
*I am who I am and I’m happy with that.
*I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
*I am 45 years old.
*My name is Jenny Brown.
"Hear me roar!"

....Hellloooooo.......I DON'T Golf, people.............

2011-06-09T16:05:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know, I know......I've been missing in action lately!   Hey, people - I'm busy! As much as I'd love to be online 24-7, I do have a life!

I did go golfing last night with some friends (who will remain nameless)......... just kidding.........their names are Porscha, Cinnamon and Amy (I can't remember Amy's 'Bar Name' - so I'll stick with calling her by her real name for now.)

Key points of the night:
1.) First of all - I DON'T GOLF! I just ride around in the cart and drink cocktails and look pretty. My friends don't really mind me not golfing and stuff - they just take me along 'cause I'm FUN!' (....either that or they take me along so they'll have someone to laugh at and make fun of all night....I'm not sure....)
2.) Evidently, I didn't get the memo regarding 'GOLF ATTIRE' because everyone showed up in BLACK skorts/shorts, while I on the other hand wore WHITE shorts and I looked like the 'Out-of-Place-Aunt-from-Idaho all night long!' ....(..........Thanks, guys - by the way!....)....

3.) Who the Hell is in charge of the 'porta-johns' on the course, anyway.......(...hellllloooooo.............ONE FLIPPIN' TOILET per 9 holes just DOESN'T cut it, people!............seriously........) And would it be TOO much trouble to install a mirror on the porti-john wall so I can monitor my hottness every now and then?

4.) One always thinks they take enough alcohol with them..........well..........don't underestimate your drinking ability.....trust me........YOU RUN OUT!

5.) It's a good idea when riding in the cart to keep your mouth closed! Trust me! Not only did I have bugs flying in my mouth all night long.........but I'm pretty sure something flew up my nose and took up housekeeping there for the longest time........and I'm pretty certain that it laid eggs up there, too..............(...........I'm just sayin'...........).......

6.) IMPORTANT: When you agree to share a cart with your golf partner and she's the driver..........it is always important to make sure she actually a.) is not a 'Psycho Driver' who has a hidden passion to join Nascar or b.) has a secret agenda to KILL YOU.......I'm fairly certain that Jumping 'bunkers' and taking corners on 2 wheels is not appropriate golf cart etiquette!   .....(....I remember telling Cinnamon repeatedly that I didn't want to die!)

7.) It gets freakin' HOT out there on the course sometimes.......wouldn't it be a good idea to install one of those misting fans at every tee? Imagine getting cooled off each hole by a fan blowing cool mist your way...............hellloooooo.........great idea or what?

8.) Apparently, I'm not 'in tune' with what one actually NEEDS on the golf course. While most golfers take golf clubs, tees, golf balls, ball markers, divot fixers, golf gloves, score cards........I - on the other hand - take lotion, lipstick and foundation, a mirror, my cellphone, IPod, hairspray, sunglasses, reading glasses, my jack-knife, suntan lotion, battery charger, fingernail polish and my flask of Vodka.

.......HEY - I Don't Golf, remember.............how the 'freak' do I know what one takes on the course with them?

I've decided I'm going to go out and buy myself a cute little golf outfit, a golf glove, and a 'girlie golf bag' .........................oh no - not for golf clubs and tees, mind you.............I don't actually GOLF, remember?   I'm going to use my golf bag as a cooler, and a place to put all of my necessities .............for all that other stuff that I may need out there. (....hey......I don't like to get caught off guard without my mace.....)    .....(....and I may throw a putter in there too......because sometimes they let me putt...)

"I'LL SHOW THEM, Damn-it!"

Thursday Thought for the Day!

2011-05-19T13:36:00.000-04:00

Thought for the Day!

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater......for instance........if you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby..............if you give her a house, she'll give you a home..........if you give her groceries, she will give you a meal and if you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

A woman will multiply and enlarge what is given to her..................

So, be ready......cause if you give her any crap, she's gonna give you a ton of shit." Auther Unknown

Have I told you lately how AWESOME I am?

2011-05-14T06:00:00.002-04:00

I’m a terrible friend………but I’m not going to take all the blame……how many times have I told you people that you can’t expect TOO MUCH out of me!

Last month, my good friend, Dazee Dreamer, over at ‘Crazy Daze & Nite Dreams’ gave me an award BECAUSE I'M SO AWESOME.....helllloooooooo. She’s pretty awesome herself and I like her a lot! I can seriously say that she’s ALMOST as funny and ALMOST as cool as me! ALMOST! So if you haven’t went and checked out her blog…..quit being lame and go say hello ….be sure to tell her that I sent you over……actually – if you visit her blog and mention my name, you’ll get a free 48 inch flat-screen TV and a paid subscription to People magazine…….(…..NO - not really…..I just made that up…..she probably won’t give you anything…….but go visit her anyway…..She’s really funny!)

Anyway….she gave me a ‘Versatile Blogger Award’ because I’m SO COOL!

So now I have to tell you 7 things about myself….so here goes…..

1.) I drank A Lot of beer last night and I’m really Gas-y today! I keep farting and blaming it on my co-worker……you know - the one that nobody likes!

2.) If I take all of my clothes off and stand sideways naked in the mirror – I look pregnant!

3.) I LOVE to be the center of attention and I like to talk about myself constantly! (I KNOW you already know this….but sometimes I feel like I need to refresh your memory every now and then!)

Yes, I know……..that’s only 3 things…..but I can’t think of anything else right now – so deal with it! Oh and another thing, I’m supposed to give this award to a few others that are deserving, but I’m being a BITCH today and don’t feel like sharing!

……………… thanks again Dazee! You’re the Best!

It's tough being a 'Trophy Wife'!

2011-05-13T14:00:00.000-04:00

Today I’m feeling fabulous (….just so you know….)……For one – it’s freakin’ FRIDAY, people! (….HOLLER….) I flippin’ LOVE Fridays! (….my favorite day of the week, by the way….)

I stayed up a little too late last night….hellloooo…..softball just isn’t softball without a cold beer in your hand. (……….and NO – NOT ME …… I certainly DON’T PLAY the game……I WATCH HairyMan hit the ball and run around the bases on Thursday nights…….…) You didn’t actually think ‘I’ went out and played the game, did you? I’m not Softball material……hellllooooooooo….…what with me being lazy and fat and out of shape and all……(…..the only way I’d be able to run the bases and not pass out - is if I had on an oxygen tank strapped to my back……..)

Besides.....the softball pants make my butt look big and I wouldn't want to break a nail!

I go to the softball games every week to watch HairyMan …(……and to scope out the hot ‘buff’ men in their tight little softball pants…) HairyMan thinks I go to watch HIM…so what he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him, OKAY?

I find my area, set up my lawn chair – phone in one hand….cooler within arms reach…..sporting sunglasses…(…I prefer the mirrored lenses…so the men don’t know I’m looking at their asses when they walk by…) ….my long blonde tresses blowing in the wind……yes, I’m looking quite fabulous….. in my short-shorts, my long tan smooth shaven legs and my ‘Detroit Tiger Jersey’ that extenuates the twins just so …..

…..well…….that’s enough about ME and how awesome I am……

………….. can I help it that HairyMan expects me to go with him every week due to the fact that I’m his ‘Trophy Wife’ and all……(….I’m just sayin’…….)
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

Thursday Thought for the Day....

2011-05-05T05:30:00.000-04:00

Thought for the day
Unlike men.....women don't have to pass gas to amuse themselves! (...and we have the ability to dress ourselves.)

Today's my birthday, I 'drunk dialed' my Boss, and 'Robo-Cop' doesn't understand why I keep peanut butter in my glove compartment....

2011-05-02T16:30:00.006-04:00

1.) Today is my birthday!   Normally I'd be telling you all to go out and buy me presents and tell me how 'fabulous' and 'young' I look for my age....................but then I thought about it..............and that's shit you should be doing for me and telling me on a daily basis anyway..........not just on my birthday, people! (What is wrong with you guys, anyway?)

2.) I woke up this weekend (Sunday morning - to be exact) and asked HairyMan if it was a dream or did I really get drunk last night and 'drunk dial' my boss?! (To which HairyMan replied: "NO, Hun....it wasn't a dream, you REALLY DID 'drunk text' your boss!")

3.) I've decided that I'm gonna go out and buy a garden gnome, tie it to a tree and let my dog pee on it daily!

4.) My friend Chris brought a cake to work today in honor of my birthday........and by 11:00am, I had already eaten half of it!

5.) You all know how I keep peanut butter in the glove compartment of my car? Well, try explaining that to a cop, when he asks you what's in the Peanut Butter Jar that he thinks I'm hiding in the glove compartment.............
Robo Cop: 'Ma'ma, what's in the peanut butter jar, ma'ma?"
ME: (.....with a stupid look on my face.....staring at him in silence for a moment.....like he's some kind of idiot for asking....) "Seriously?     .....uh........hellllloooo...........peanut butter!" (...and I say it like it's something everybody normally has in the glove compartment....)
Robo Cop: "Ma'ma, why do you have peanut butter in your glove compartment?"
ME: "Do you think I'm fat?" ....(starting to get irritated because he must think I'm some kind of heffer who hides food in my car...) ....(...which I am.....and I do.....but that's besides the point...) "Sometimes I get hungry, officer!"   "And I like to be prepared when the hunger panes strike!"   "You see, peanut butter doesn't go bad so I can store it in my car without it molding or getting rancid......do you think that's weird?" "And please don't call me Ma'ma....it makes me feel old!" "I also keep plastic spoons in my console, if you must know!"

Thursdays Thought for the Day

2011-04-28T06:00:00.001-04:00

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything............
but I can still fit into the earrings I wore when I got married! .....(...I'm just sayin'.........)
HA!

I peed my pants, I have paper towel falling out of my bra....and those D*MN sprinklers!

2011-04-26T18:00:00.004-04:00

List of things that are irritating me today at work today:

1.) The sprinklers are ON at work and it’s raining outside! (…..absolutely drives me freakin’ nuts, Bill…)

2.) I ran out of Vodka! (….sucks………nothing to put in my orange juice today….) .....(Note to self: Buy Vodka on my lunch-hour....)

3.) The under-wire in my bra is jabbing me in the rib! (…I just checked and my right side is raw and bloody right now…I’m seriously thinking of taking off my bra right now…) I’ll try stuffing paper towel under my bra and see if that works.

4.) I sneezed and peed myself so I’m walking around with a sweater tied around my waist all day – reeking of urine! (Not the cat piss that I rub all over my body to keep the garden gnomes away, but MY urine!) I sprayed myself with the bathroom deodorizer to camouflage the pee smell…..and accidentally sprayed it in my eyes and so now my eyes are swollen, red and watering and everyone keeps asking me why I’m crying!. (…I don’t know why I sprayed it on my head to begin with …..it’s not like I peed on my face…it’s not my head that reeks of urine…helllllooooo……)

5.) Paper towel isn’t working, people…..I’m walking around all day with paper towel falling out of my blouse and now half the office thinks I’m STUFFING MY BRA!

Is it 5 o'clock yet? ....(...GEEZ.....)

Hairyman is an idiot.....

2011-04-23T07:59:00.000-04:00

Hairyman and I bought a 'Healthy Vending Machine' business 2 weeks ago and I've been trying to come up with a logo for our business. We're really excited and we're just getting started and trying to figure things out. (NOTE: ...don't bother going to our website yet -myhealthysnack.com - because it's not up and running yet...we're still in the beginning stages...) These pictures below are a few of my ideas that I e-mailed to Hairyman yesterday to get his opinion.

This was his reply to my e-mail...

ME: "Hun, what do you think of these logos? Do you like any of them?"

Hairyman: "They are kinda cool..... my biggest problem with them is they

all look like a dude giving head to a shake weight."

Hairyman's an IDIOT!

Just a little Tuesday 'Randomness'.....

2011-04-12T19:00:00.002-04:00

You know that "Website Design Class" that I was taking online?    Well, I got freakin' 96 % on the Exam......hellllllooooooooooo............did you hear me............freakin' 96 % - people.............(.......I freakin' ROCK!) ..........(...............I didn't actually learn anything - just so you know........but HEY! I passed!)

You know how I lost 21 pounds a month or two ago and I was feeling high on life and thinking my SH*T don't stink?   ...............well I've gained about most of it back........(...yes, I'm a loser with no willpower!)................(...HEY............SORRY............. but the thought of giving up Cheeseburgers and Vodka makes me nauseous...........I'm just sayin'!)

I read somewhere that there are more chickens in the world than people!?    There are 45 thousand chickens per person..................so that makes around 2902500000000000 chickens in the world........    (....HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?.............. Did someone count them all?)   (........I think someone has WAY TOO MUCH time on their hands!).........(...and another thing.........WHO THE FREAK CARES ANYWAY!)

I absolutely LOVE the sitcom: 'The New Adventures of Old Christine'.......Julia Louis-Dreyfus is freakin' hilarious! In fact - if my life was a sitcom - it would be this one!    You know how I have a number of neuroses?..........and I have feelings of inadequacy?.......and how I am highly self-centered and self-obsessed? ...and how I like to talk about other people behind their backs?.....and how everything is always 'ALL ABOUT ME'?...........(.....in fact,.the only difference between Old Christine and me is that I'm married...........and I'm not a slut!)

...........and lastly.....I've been thinking about it and I don't know how I could have possibly survived my childhood - what with all the lead in my toys and shit.

Dear Porscha,

2011-03-30T14:00:00.000-04:00

Porscha:  You know that 'Web Class' that I'm taking? ...(...you know...the class that's kicking my *SS and even tho I've made it thru the first 8 lessons, I'm still completely LOST and don't think I've learned ANYTHING....)

Well...... last night I did the last 4 lessons ..... (...you know...the 4 lessons that I was behind on because I'm lazy and I've been putting them off cause' I'm not really learning anything anyway...........remember?.......you know - lessons #9, #10, #11 and #12....) ....and you'll be happy to know that I got 100% on all of the quizzes..... making my total grades for lessons #1 thru #12 - 100% on ALL of the quizzes.......Yes - I ROCK! Aren't you proud?! ...(...heck yeah...you better be proud, girlfriend.......this shit is freakin' HARD!)    Yeah...I know....the quizzes were open book........ and I cheated?   ............(....hey.... don't judge me!)

You didn't really think I'd pass the quizzes on my own did you?     Are you freakin' retarded?   Do you EVEN KNOW ME?    I'm really just NOT THAT SMART.........(....hey can I help it that I've been blessed with phenomenal looks and not brains?...........I'm just sayin'.....)

(for those of you who missed this post....I've been taking a Web Class and the 12 lessons in the class are not graded - they are open book. The only thing graded is the final exam....try to keep up, people....)

So now that I've made it thru the 12 lessons, the final exam is the only thing left. The final exam is due April 8th ............(........and if the exam has ANYTHING to do with the content that has been in the 12 lessons........ I'M DOOMED!) .....(....cause remember......I haven't actually came even remotely close to LEARNING ANYTHING from this class so far, remember?.....)

On a more positive note: I'm feeling pretty awesome - cause I've stuck it out regardless - and made it thru 12 entire lessons ...(...even tho I wanted to throw in the towel after the first lesson cause this class is so FREAKIN' hard and WAY BEYOND my learning capability...........HEY.........I'm just sayin'.......)

I'll keep you posted!

Happy Freakin' Friday, People!

2011-03-25T11:00:00.000-04:00

Alright……..enough already about the parasitic problems in my head……looks like they’ve taken care of themselves on their own...thank you very much, my friends..... And I realize now that the ‘parasitic worms’ and ‘nesting tarantula hatchlings’ were just a figment of my imagination and I have to admit that they WERE NEVER REAL, and they NEVER REALLY EXISTED! (....at least that's what I keep telling myself.....until the voices in my head start telling me otherwise..........)

Oh, and my good friend, Sherri - over at "The Mess that is my Mind" talked me into rubbing 'Cat Piss' all over my body!

Well, hey…..she told me that Cat Pee repels garden gnomes and since Sherri and I are ‘Blogging BFF’s’ and all…. (….well, Sherri doesn’t really know that we’re best friends….....BUT WE ARE..........I don't care what SHE SAYS - WE ARE, Damn it!)

....(…kinda like most of my friends don’t really know that they’re my best friends….)....

....(…they just play along with me…because they don’t want to hurt my feeling……either that or they’re scared of me…….) ...

....I’m just sayin’…….

So NOW I’m walking around smelling like Cat Piss ……..and my dog keeps trying to have sex with my leg!

No more Worms and Spiders...thank you very much!

2011-03-24T12:00:00.000-04:00

I had just gotten used to the fact that I have parasitic worms living in my eyeball and my teeth gums and now my good friend, Porscha, has got me thinking about tarantulas nesting in my head! Her exact words were in fact: "Freaky about the swelling thing. Sounds like some type of odd allergy - or tarantulas nesting. I've heard of them doing that in cacti - maybe they're doing it in YOU now!"

What the H*LL! Now I can't stop thinking about baby tarantulas crawling around in my eye sockets and teeth gums....... ...(...thanks, Porscha..by the way..)

And NO my good friends.....I HAVEN'T went to the 'freakin' doctor yet.......... (.......simply because if I go to the doctor and tell him that I think I have worms and spiders living in my head, he might commit me!.........)...........

Hey....my eyes are back to normal now and my tooth gum is NOT red, puffy, throbbing and/or inflamed ANYMORE! So it looks like my little parasitic problems have mended on their own.......(.....with the help of Benadryl, Motrin, Prozac and Vodka ..........thank you very much, my friends...) OR.... maybe because I may have imagined the whole worm/spider story to begin with and it's probably safe to say I never really had worms and spiders living in my head to begin with.

But if that's the case..........(.......and I don't have worms and spiders living in my head after all.......)..... then I ask you: "Where are the voices coming from - that talk to me in my head?"

My Web Class is 'Kicking my *SS'....and I still have my Parasitic Worm!

2011-03-23T05:30:00.002-04:00

My friend, Porscha, e-mailed me the other day:
Okay Jenny, what the hell is going on with you today? How is your eye? I have to read about your medical ailments on your blog? Oh, and I don't think an entire cheesecake is part of the cleansing program. :-) If it is, sign me up!!
How's school going? Caught up yet? Later, Porscha

My response:

Ok, Porscha.......my freakin' web-class is kicking my *SS! I'm on lesson #8 (and I'm supposed to be on lesson #10) so THAT means I'm 2 lessons behind! Can you tell me "Which is a block level element that allows me to specify logical divisions within the content of a Web page......a class, a span, a DIV, or a Style?"......I'm completely freakin' LOST! .....AND "Can you tell me which is an element used within the Head section of an HTML document to contain CSS style rules?" .........AGAIN.......I'm completely utterly FREAKIN' LOST! So you ask me how I'm doing in my Web Class? The only reason I'm EVEN PASSING it at this point in time is because I'm 'CHEATING'......the quizzes are all multiple choice and open book....so I can look up the answers ....The only thing graded is the final exam.....and unless the final exam is 1.) multiple choice, 2.) open book, and 3.) NOT timed...I haven't a chance of passing this freakin' class!

Oh.....and the parasitic worm that has been living in my eyeball the last couple of days has moved to my tooth now! The swelling and red puffiness in my eye is gone now. ....didn't you read my last post? .....helllooooooooo......

Yeah...it's moved to my tooth now! My 'Tooth Gum' is all inflamed and puffy and hurts....and NO I haven't went to the doctor YET...are you kidding...I'm seeing how many areas of MY BODY can become infested by worms before I actually get it taken care of by a professional. Hey....here's a thought............MAYBE the worms will move to my stomach NEXT and they'll start eating my BELLY FAT and 'Muffin-Top'!!!

Oh, and I'm totally disgusted with myself for eating an entire cheesecake for breakfast....if HairyMan finds out, he's gonna 'FREAKIN' kill me! Later, Venus

.......(Note: If you're new to my blog, Venus is my alter ego....you know the one that gets me into trouble all of the time!)

(picture courtesy of the internet)

More Random thoughts......

2011-03-22T12:34:00.002-04:00

Random things going on with me today:

1.) My ‘Nasty Eye’ seems to be healing quite nicely on its own today - thank you very much………(...…at least I THINK it is…)….....It’s not as puffy, red and nasty looking today.......... the swelling has gone down, and it doesn’t hurt as much as it did yesterday! ….(…altho, I can’t really be sure….since I’m high on Benadryl and Motrin right now..)

2.) I ate an entire cheesecake on the way to work this morning! (….just thought I'd let you all know what a pig I am...…)

3.) I’ve been noticing what with spring around the corner; all of the stores have their spring gardening supplies and yard decorations out. Wouldn’t you know that the hot item this year is ‘freakin’ garden gnomes…..everywhere I look! Are you freakin’ kidding me………I went down an aisle the other day, and there must have been about five or six rows of the ‘freakin’ things……just glaring at me from atop their shelves……what the H*LL is wrong with people! And who the H*LL buys these things, anyway, I ask you?

4.) The bad news is that my tooth hurts today…..my tooth gum is red, lumpy and puffy and it hurts..….kinda like I have a popcorn kernel stuck in it……only I HAVEN'T eaten any popcorn lately…….so I can’t be sure - but I’m fairly positive that A.) the parasitic worm that was in my eyeball yesterday has left my right eyeball and traveled to my tooth today .....OR   B.) I’m growing fangs and turning into a vampire! .......I’ll keep you posted!

I think I have a parasitic worm growing in my eyeball....I'm just sayin!

2011-03-21T12:15:00.000-04:00

The last couple of days, my RIGHT EYE has been hurting me and it’s been a little puffy….(…..NOT the eyeball itself, but the top of the eyelid….)….it’s been a little itchy and red…(…NOT the eyeball….my eyeball isn’t red AT ALL….just the eyelid and surrounding area…)

This morning I woke up to find it was swollen shut....(....well, almost swollen shut....I'm exagerating a little ...cause that's what I do.....)..……..my right top eyelid is huge and puffy and it looks like: 1.) I either got punched in the face (more specifically – in the eye) OR 2.) that I’ve got a severe case of ‘elephantiasis’. It’s not a pretty picture, people…..(….just so you know!…) It’s not crusty and there is no seepage…..and since the morning, the swelling has went down, and I can actually see now, but my right eyelid hurts…(…like a straining hurt - whenever I look at something or move my eyeball to look at something…which sucks….cause I usually look at stuff …with my eye….you know....on a daily basis...) I’m pretty sure it’s not a Sty….and I’m pretty sure it’s not ‘pinkeye’……….so I taped a tissue over my bad eye and put my glasses on so that no one would notice at work, but that didn’t work out to good from me, since everyone kept asking me what the H*LL was goin’ on with my eye and why the ‘Freak’ was I wearing an eye patch. I eventually took the tissue out and so now I’m walking around with one eye all made up all pretty with eye shadow and mascara while my right eye is red, bulging, swollen and nasty looking…….(…I pretty much scared the UPS man, when he came in for a delivery today…..he did a double take…. …and then refused to look me in the eye…..you know…….THE NASTY SWOLLEN EYE that I have going on right now….)

I’ve been using my eye drops and NO – I haven’t went to the doctor yet, but will probably go in the morning since I’m grossing everyone out with my nasty eye and all……. I figure I’ve either A.) got an allergic reaction going on with something…….B.) got a infection in a tear gland OR C.) got some parasitic worm living in my eyeball.

No worries........and I’ll be sure to keep you posted on my eye situation.........

What is a Leprechaun, you ask?

2011-03-17T12:50:00.000-04:00

What is a Leprechaun? ....(....well.......according to one website - the following is one definition....)

Leprechauns are not real. (...yeah, right....) They are make-believe little Irish fairies. A leprechaun looks like a small old man ...(...a really 'twisted-lookin' little old man....with a messed up face...kinda looks like a face lift gone wrong sort of face.......) about 2 feet tall. He dresses like a shoemaker, and sometimes wears a hat and an apron ...(....he hides his weapons under his clothes...which are apparently 4 sizes too small.....) (....and I'm guessing he frequents Walmart....)

Leprechauns are believed to be aloof and unfriendly. (...ya think?.....) They live alone, making shoes for other fairies....(and they make a habit of eating small children ...) (....and apparently, they have no fashion sense).......According to legend, the leprechaun posses a hidden pot of gold. ...(that's how they suck you in to their evil lair....by their legends and promises of Gold....because face it - the human race is greedy.....and we want money...and gold.....) You can track down a leprechaun by the sound of his shoemaker's hammer. ...(....why the HELL would you wanna track one down, you idiots?) If you can catch him, you can force him to tell the whereabouts of his pot of gold. ..(....then push bamboo shoots under his fingernails....stick a fork in his eye....and tie his shoe-laces together so he can't chase you down....) However, you must be careful. ..(....hellllllloooooo...) You must keep your eye on him every second. If not, the leprechaun will trick you and disappear. .....(...then a few months later, he'll probably start stalking you and hunt you down and torture you with his sharp weapons ......let me stress the sharp weapons, people.......)

Have you ever wondered what is at the end of a rainbow ? Well, I'll tell you what's at the end of a rainbow, people! A maniacal killer leprechaun that is waiting to cut your hands and feet off, stick an icepick in your chest, tear your eyeballs out of their sockets, cut your ears off and eat your intestines for dinner.....that's what's at the end of a 'freakin' rainbow......

You know how I HATE Garden Gnomes..........well........I HATE Leprechauns, too!

Happy St. Patricks Day, People! ........(....and watch out for those killer leprechauns ....lurking in the shadows...while your drinking your green beer at the bar....they'll be in the alley....so don't walk to your car alone tonight........because they'll be waiting to jump you and kill you! ...I'm just sayin'............)
(Picture courtesy of the internet)

Nasty Feet, Freakazoids and I better NOT be out of Prozac!

2011-03-15T07:00:00.001-04:00

I am TOTALLY NOT into FEET! I think feet are disgusting! I don't like people touching MY feet and I certainly am not going to touch YOUR feet! HairyMan is always asking me to rub lotion on his disgusting cracked-calloused feet ...........HELL NO!............... it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it! I'd rather swim in boiling water than touch someones nasty-filthy feet! ..................and would it kill you to clip your toe-nails, HairyMan.........you about slice my Achilles with your 'Talons' each time you roll over in bed! Drinking champagne out of your stiletto - I don't think so! Rubbing lotion on your dry feet - I THINK NOT! And if you want me to suck on your toes to get you off.......I will probably end up vomiting on you! ....(............yes - I'm pretty sure vomit would be involved in this scenario.....no question........) I don't EVEN care if you are some 'beautiful-supermodel-perfect-little-diva', your feet still SUCK! OR..... it doesn't matter that you've added a 'dainty-little-flowery-cutesy-tattoo' on the top of your foot...... SUCK! .....and you know how you use that Red or Pink nail polish on your toe-nails to camouflage the nastiness???? (....guess what........you're not fooling anyone - Einstein - with those disgusting feet........) Your feet STILL SUCK, people! They're 'bacteria-ridden-crusty-calloused-stinky-planter wart-nasty!' ..........(.....and don't even get me started on what's hiding under those toe-nails!...) ....(...oh, LORD......I just puked in my mouth and swallowed it!)

I am so sick of dealing with rude people at work. I called a customer on the phone today at 10:00am ........(...I was returning the call - mind you......) She answered the phone......(..........an older woman........)........(....no offense to old people, by the way.........)..........., I told her who I was and I believe her exact words were, "Oh my gosh, you got me out of bed for this?" .........(.......are you freakin' kidding me......it's 10:00am - you bitchy troll........) whereas I then put on my fake happy face and used my fake happy voice and replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, but it's 10:00am and I surely didn't mean to get you out of bed this early, I apologize!" To which she then said, "Thank you, Goodbye!" It was all I could do to not reach my hand through the phone and pull her tongue out of her bitchy throat! Well, 'Haggy Woman' if you think I'm calling you back, you can think again, BEOITCH!

I was in Walmart the other day and of course I can't go in that store - EVER- without seeing some strange freakazoid excuse for a human being. This chic had on purple ............(....yes......I said PURPLE..........).........'slim fit' jeans ......(.....that were no doubt 2 sizes too small.....and 2 sizes too short.)....a cut off 'Who Shot JR?' T-shirt (half shirt) hanging off her shoulders whereas exposing her black bra..... (.....that was ripped in ALL the wrong places......)........muffin top hangin' from over her jeans......a black leather belt with a belt buckle that read 'Do You Want Some of This?' ...........(..........are you kidding me right now........).........a tattoo of a skull and cross bones on her neck, she was wearing white nurse shoes, with no socks...................and I'm not even going to get started on her HAIR situation that she had goin' on........let's just say I was expecting her to break out in some Duran Duran 'Hungry like a Wolf' choreographed dance moves at any time......... Oh course.........where is my freakin' camera when I need it...... cause trust me, I'd be all over this one.........

I swear.......the only thing that gets me through my life nowadays is Prozac and Alcohol!

(photo courtesy of the internet)

Pretending I'm a Vampire, Charlie Sheen, and Poop!

2011-03-08T15:30:00.001-05:00

I'm gonna make this short..............just wanted you to know what I've been thinking about today:

Does anyone else really wish someone would beat the SH*T out of Charlie Sheen? (………get over yourself already, you little worm…) …..…I'm sick to death of hearing about you and all this 'winning' talk........(...What are you winning?....you're hanging around with prostitutes, drug dealers and porno queens........are you kidding me right now?)......how’s it make you feel now that ‘Angus’ and 'Jon' are unemployed - quit blaming everyone else for your pathetic little life, you cocky little monkey-ass!

Last night while I was busy walking around my house - pretending that I was a Vampire..........I heard a knock on the door. Somehow I had CONVINCED MYSELF that the man at the door was a ‘Vampire Slayer’ (….yeah, I get paranoid like that when I get in character…….) I never DID answer the door….(….just so you know….)…….I just stood there - inside the door, carefully hidden - with my 'nunchucks' in hand - peaking outside from behind the window curtain - so that I could keep track of his where-a-bouts ...(....I was afraid he may sneak aournd back and come in for a surpise attack ...)..... I can’t be sure, but I think he ended up being a Jehovah Witness because there was an ‘I Love Jesus!’ pamphlet in the door this morning.

I ate an entire ‘block’ of Colby-Jack Cheese for my lunch today.

Am I the only one – that every time I take a poop – I feel like I need to take a shower? ……(………..hellloooooo……..is doesn’t matter how many toilet paper squares or wet wipes I use……..I just don’t feel like I’ve cleaned myself good enough………) .......(..I'm just sayin'.....)....

I got an award.....it appears I'm 'Versatile!'

2011-03-04T11:00:00.000-05:00

Marty over at 'The Many Faces of Me' gave me an award a couple of days ago and I'm really excited! 'The VERSATILE Blogger' Award

Evidently, Marty thinks I'm capable of doing many things competently..........(....which is - in fact - the definition of versatile....)......... (.........I would know ...........because I had to look it up........yeah....I'm smart like that!)

VERSATILE: embracing a variety of subjects, fields, or skills......... turning with ease from one thing to another .........changing or fluctuating readily .........having many uses............YEP - THAT'S ME ALRIGHT!

So anyway.......Marty is a pretty fantastic lady and since we're such cool friends and all......... you'll have to go check her out on her blog!

Okay.....so to claim my award, I need to share 7 things about myself ....(....didn't I just get done doing this ......deja vu, people........).....and pass this award on to a couple of fellow bloggers....... so here goes......

1.) HairyMan just bought me a new car this week....surprise....a new 'Lincoln MKX'....have I told you how awesome he is lately?
2.) I HATE talking on the phone. (.....seriously........just call me.....state what you want..........then see you later!)
3.) I have a BAD HABIT of peeling the skin off of my thumbs....down till they're raw and bleeding......(..........helllloooooooo..........I've told you before that I have issues..........)
4.) At night - I've always had this fear of looking out the windows of my house into the darkness and seeing a figure walking across my yard wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete.
5.) I HATE being LATE! (If I know I'm going to be late for something........9 times out of ten, I'll make the decision to 'just not go!')
6.) I don't make a point to WORRY about what people think of me! Don't get me wrong.......I don't want people to 'NOT LIKE ME' and I DO care what people think.........I just don't obsess over it!.........(...you either like me - or you don't........and if you DON'T LIKE ME....just move along...................it's just that simple.....)
7.) When I was younger, I always read lots of horror books, (Stephen King, John Saul...etc...). My mother worried about the fact that I was always reading scary stories, so she made me read the Bible, too......(.....probably to 'off-set' things a bit...........I'm just sayin'.............)

I've spent a few days 'blog-hopping' and I just came across 3 blogs that I think are really neat.....I'm fairly new to them, but you really should go check them out...........you won't be disappointed!

Peggy Sue at 'Peggy Sue's Blog'

Robelyn at 'Red Neck Chic'

and

Kacie Leah at 'Pistols and Cupcakes'

7 New Facts about me.....that you may not know!

2011-02-28T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Rules are as follows............

1.) Copy and paste this award to your blog

2.) Thank and link to the person that tagged you with it.

3.) List 7 facts about yourself

4.) Give the award to 5 other bloggers and tell them they have it.

LilPixi (who's my new favorite friend, by the way) over at 'It's a Lollipop World' tagged me! You'll have to go check LilPixi out at her blog .......cause she's a real 'HOOT!' I never leave her blog without laughing my *SS off (or peeing my pants)............she's really pretty, she makes my laugh, she really likes bacon......a lot...... she thinks about SEX ......a lot....she's scared of balloons...she's got this little freaky monkey that she sleeps with every night and as near as I can tell...she's got this crazy thing about lollipops!

So I'm sitting here thinking about 7 new things that you guys may not know about me.....
1.) I keep peanut butter in the glove compartment of my car.
2.)  I ABSOLUTELY HATE smelly shoes......(...if my shoes start to smell - I throw them away...)
3.)   Three weeks ago I got a tattoo.
4.) I'm seriously contemplating dying my hair brown. (Don't tell HairyMan...he likes me Blonde!)
5.) I change my socks and my underwear 2-3 times a day.
6.) Secretly.. (and I know this is really weird) ...but I wish I could be marooned on a desert island for 6-8 months all by myself.....just to see if I could survive. (...I think about it a lot, actually....)
7.)   It really takes a lot to embarress me!

....and now I'm gonna list 5 of my blogger friends 'That Have It'....... (.......I'm NOT really sure what exactly you have.........but it looks like there's a bunch of other ladies that have it..............so I'm pretty sure you're gonna want it .........especially since now I HAVE IT, TOO! ........I'm just sayin'...........)

LiBBy over at 'The Ridiculous world of LiBBy Buttons'
Dazee Dreamer at 'Crazy Daze & Nite Dreams'

Laura at 'Fetch My Flying Monkeys'
T over at 'Journey to Happiness(or something like that!')'
Nikki over at 'My Cyber house rules'

Just another Garden Gnome? .....I DON'T THINK SO!

2011-02-25T09:10:00.000-05:00

..................HELLLOOOOOO........People....this is the kind of SH*T that I'm talking about!

I'm not as smart as I think I am...........

2011-02-22T15:00:00.001-05:00

Friday, February 18, 2011: A conversation (per e-mail) with my friend Jessica regarding a computer class that I'm taking on line..........she wanted to know how it was going after my first on-line class............

Jessica, My Class?......It's soooooo NOT what I thought it was going to be. First of all, apparently I was supposed to have taken another computer web-class prior to THIS ONE, so I'm a little lost (actually…..A LOT LOST…..I haven't a clue what they're even talking about!) .....(......and I'm too much of a 'chicken-shit' to say anything.....because I don't want them to think I'm an idiot..........HEY......these people don't read my blog......so they don't know what an idiot I AM, YET!...)........so I'm basically 'winging it'. I've got lessons on every Wednesday and Friday and I have 2 weeks to do each of them. They include quizzes, assignments and lessons. Nothing is graded. The only thing that is graded is your final exam at the end of the session sometime in March. (…….hopefully there is a God!)

Lesson 1 - Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 talk about the World Wide Web (WWW) history and the development of design standards and interactivity and mobile content and communication vehicles and webpage statement of purposes and organizational balancing for form and function .....etc….etc….etc ………(...are you getting any of this?...)………..I'm sure as SH*T not! .............WTFreak!?!       I feel like I’m in school again………I DON'T KNOW anything about this crap…(.....I don't even actually remember signing up to take this class...)....…(...could I have been drunk.....? ...) …I though I was going to be taking a class about designing pretty little websites and web pages with pretty little fonts and pictures and all the fun 'girly' stuff that comes with designing and making thing pretty……(......can't you see the little butterflies and flying unicorns dancing around my head right now as I'm smiling, sitting in front of my computer screen........ in my own little world....as I'm designing my pretty little web pages.........)………………

…. I SO DON'T want to take this class anymore...........what the FREAK was I even thinking?...............................(.....yeah....pretty sure I must have been drunk)..................hellllooooo………… ………….

I considered quitting......... (.....only 1/2 hour into my first lesson....)...... (.........yeah, I'm pathetic like that.....) .... BUT it IS only the FIRST DAY............and Hairyman gave me a
'pep-talk' ....so I decided I'm going to tuff it out and try to learn something. (…………….wish me luck……………..on the 'learning something' part………because learning doesn't come easy for a girl like me…..........since I already think I KNOW everything and all........)

I DID spend the time and read my first chapters last night and took the quiz (it took me 3 attempts by the way), but I got a 100 % on it ............so I guess I've already learned something, right?   (Yes, there is a God!)    SO I’m already impressing myself!   HA!    (....not that it takes a lot to impress me....)   I didn’t do the assignments yet, cause I’m still really confused and and I don't understand them (...........yeah...basically I'm still completely LOST!....)................. but give me time…………it’s only been one day…………..(....hey, don’t get on my shit..........you can't expect too much out of me all at once!.....)    ........(Do you even KNOW me, people?).......

NOTE: 100 % on my first test?! (Have I told you how awesome I am?)     I’ll keep you posted on the class!
OH, and I can't wait to start up OUR new business venture …….'The Web according to Jenny'………….remember……………………wasn’t that what it was going to be?      We’ll be partners and you’ll be in charge   (I’m OK with YOU being in charge..... since you’re a lot smarter than me...and I'm basically lazy and don't really feel like doing anything anyway..............) ………but just so you know ........it will still be ‘All about me’! HA!

Are You Freakin' Kidding Me with the Garden Gnomes?

2011-02-15T18:33:00.002-05:00

Two weeks ago, while on vacation in sunny Florida.....while staying with some friends (Petra and Gary)..................I get up in the morning, make myself a Bloody Mary (I like to drink in the morning .......don't judge me), I sit down at the dining room table, put my feet up on a chair, and decide to do a little reading (...............the National Enquirer............playgirl........I'm sophisticated like that!) We had arrived the previous night, basically went to bed and awoke the morning with our hosts off at work. (It was up to HairyMan and I to entertain ourselves for the day, while our hosts were working.)

So here I am...... (HairyMan still in bed - after a early morning romp of twisted monkey sex which included marshmallows, two bandanna's and a Popsicle sick)..........( ...Not Really....I just made that up .............We really didn't have wild monkey sex that morning.................I just don't want you getting bored with my story ...............) So here I am.....sitting at the table, reading my magazines, enjoying my morning (on my third Bloody Mary).............when all of a sudden....I notice something out of the corner of my eye................(was it movement?)........................(am I drunk?).............I turn my head to look out the sliding glass door beside me..........

ARE YOU 'FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?

THERE THEY ARE!.............Watching me with their blood-shot beady eyes........waiting to be noticed.......waiting for me to react.......taunting me......laughing at me from behind their small solid faces......(....ready to attack ...when I'm not looking.....waiting to catch me off guard....)

OH MY GAWD!!! I'm in a freakin' nightmare...............I close my eyes...............I count to 5.................(tap my heels together................there's no place like home)......I open my eyes............they're still there, DAMN-IT! (...go figure....)

So I grab my nunchucks and a steak knife from the kitchen drawer and venture out on the patio...................HOLY LORD............They're FREAKIN' EVERYWHERE....................gnomes..............by the pool.............gnomes............behind the fence.............gnomes..............by the side door...........gnomes................by the flowers............gnomes...........there must be at least 30 of them stationed around the yard.........lying in wait............

Doesn't Petra read my blog?.....doesn't she know about my fear of garden gnomes? (...and I thought I was a bad friend......geez......) What the Hell! Seriously people.....I didn't make this up..................(...if I was gonna make this story up...I'd be telling you about how I karate-chopped them all with my 'Chuck Norris' moves.......killing hundreds - thousands - maybe millions of them with my bad ass 'Lara Croft' (from Tomb Raider) Black Ops Sniper Rifle... ....and how I captured the 'King of the Gnomes' and single handed-ly saved the world...............but that didn't really happen......I'm just sayin'.......)

Do you know how 'Cool' I am?

2011-02-11T07:00:00.001-05:00

I've been on vacation for the last week (I'll have to tell you all about it.....but that's another post altogether)........and imagine my surprise when I returned home............to see that I got an award! OMGosh, people..........I'm sooooo excited! (In fact, I just peed myself!)

My new friend Sharon - over at 'It's Random, But Relevant - To Me' is so cool........ and funny and she's strong (not 'He-Man' Strong, but mentally - emotionally strong, that is............well........she COULD be really strong......maybe she lifts weights and stuff....but I'm not sure......... I just know she's 'One Tuff Cookie' in the 'living life' category!) And she's pretty (I mean - not as pretty as me........hellllooooo.....but she's really close to being as pretty as me...........I'm just sayin').....anyway.....she thinks I'M funny and she gave me the 'LOL Award'! So she's my new best friend, now! You'll have to go check her out at her Blog! She's a really 'Neat Lady!' ...........in fact, we're best friends now........(.......I'm not sure she knows we're best friends yet, but trust me........we are!)

So - I got this award.................and I'm feeling all 'Big Headed' and 'Sure of Myself' and 'Awesome' and thinking that 'My SH*T Don't Stink' now............(yeah............ you can thank my good friend, Sharon, for that.......thank you very much)..........so now I have to follow the rules of the award!

.......The rules for this Award are as follows:

1.) Link to the person who awarded you...........(for those of you who haven't been paying attention... that's SHARON at 'It's Random, But Relevant - To Me' ..........try to keep up, people!)

2.) State 7 unknown facts about yourself........I listed 6 ............(....yeah....I know............I broke the rules.......so sue me!)

1. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a vampire! (......I mean - I don't go ahead and bite peoples neck and suck their blood and other creepy stuff like that......I'm just sayin'.....but vampires are Cool!)

2. Sometimes I put my 'Coyote Ugly Buttless Chaps' on and walk around the house - when no one else is home....(.....and I look at my *SS in the mirror...to see how fabulous it looks....)

3. My son is getting married in 5 months and not only will this wedding be all about the 2 of them..............but it definitely will be 'all about me' as well............(cause' everything is usually ALL ABOUT ME.................) ........(.......helllooooooo.......mother of the groom..........)

4. I'm a 'Closet Eater' and I have been for quite some time..........(.......I'm not gonna lie.......I like to EAT when no one is around..........usually ends up with food being all over my face!)

5. I've become seriously obsessed with 'Garden Gnomes' (....and not in a good way, people.....) ......they seriously FREAK ME OUT ...............in fact.......... I'm in the works creating another blog dedicated to the evils of these little 'red-hatted' killers! ....(yeah, I know....not another 'Gnome Blog'.......)

6. I'd leave HairyMan in a heartbeat for Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson! (.....and HairyMan's OK with that! ........I really don't think he's too worried...)..........I'm just sayin'..............
3.) Award to Seven other people who you think are funny.....(I picked 6!.........yeah, I know....I broke the rules again.........Hey, Sharon.......don't even think of takin' this award away from me..............)

*SumSum over at Disco Lemonade : She's the crazy neighbor your parents warned you about!

   *Laura over at Fetch My Flying Monkeys: I just found her blog.......and I haven't quite figured her out yet!
*Chrissy over at I Shoulda Been a Stripper: I'm new to this blog, but I like her...in fact we may become best friends..........she wants to be a Stripper and thinks she's a Vampire! :):)
   *Alexis over at One Cluttered Brain: She cracks me up with her 'vlogging', she's funny, and she's not afraid to let her hair down!
*Dazee Dreamer over at Crazy Daze and Nite Dreams: I never read a post without laughing.......she thinks I'm funny and I think she's funny...so we have a lot in common!
   *Sandra over at Absolutely Narcissism: I stumbled upon this blog and now I'm addicted!

Thanks, Sharon.....you're the BEST!

Tequila Bottles, Bar Coasters, Coloring Books, Pez Dispensers and Goosebump Books......

2011-01-28T11:00:00.001-05:00

Remember these books? My son used to have a collection of about 30 of these books back when he was younger and I was thinking of them the other day and I've decided that I think I'm gonna start collecting them.   I used to read them to him all of the time when he was young. In fact I think I read them to myself ....(when no one else was around...)..........cause they were such 'COOL' books.......(.......yeah, I'm a sophisticated reader like that!)

R.L STINE "Goosebumps" Books

.......the only think is........(now that I think about it).........I'm fairly certain (....why I'm saying I'm fairly certain is beyond me - since I have no doubt in my mind...) that I SOLD them all in a garage sale about 9 years ago for $5.00. (...what was I thinking........30 books for 5 bucks???..........helllooooo.....they'd probably be collectors items by now, right?) .....so now I've got to start all over.............you know........since I don't have any books now!

..............AND since I don't actually HAVE any 'Goosebumps' books yet......... hairyman tells me that I shouldn't tell people that I collect Goosebump books -  you know.......since I DON'T HAVE ANY in the collection yet.....he says I need to stop doing that......(.........apparently he says I do this a alot with my collections.).....(I tell people I collect things when I don't actually have any in my collection yet).............(I told him to 'Bite Me!")

So my collections are as follows:
1.) Tequila Bottles 2.) Bar Coasters
3.) Coloring books
4.) Pez Dispensers (I only have 2) (...........maybe this is what he is referring too.....)
                 ............and now my latest collection...............
5.) Goosebumps Books (I have 0)

I used to collect '50 cent pieces'..........(..but I spent them all...)   ....and I used to collect 'Candy Bars'....(....till I ate them all)...(....who the 'Freak collects Candy bars anyway? What a stupid idea!)

Hairy man says that I really shouldn't count the pez dispenser collection and the Goosebump book collection until I actually increase the size of my collections a bit..............(.......again................I told him to 'Bite Me!")

What do you collect?

Letters from Jenny.........Beauty Sleep, Hybrid Panther Cats and I look like "Monkey Butt"!

2011-01-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

OK, girlfriends….it was great spending time with you guys, I’ll give you that! But I seriously can’t believe that I looked at the clock last night and it was almost 2AM……guess it was a good thing I went to bed when I did. NOTE: 5:30AM came way too early this morning! …………(just thought I’d let you know - since you two bitches were still in bed when I left the house, because neither of YOU TWO had to work today......) I did happen to hit snooze for about 40 minutes before I actually got out of bed this morning…………..… but that was after your stupid cat (who I still believe isn’t really a cat at all, but a ‘miniature hybrid panther’ judging from the size of the animal.............) …...decided to cough up hairballs for ½ hour outside my bedroom door at 4AM. (.......it took me everything I had to not light the freakin' thing on fire.........I'm just sayin'..........) So after hitting the snooze button for 40 minutes, I finally jumped out of bed and realized I had about 5 minutes to get ready for work. I tripped over your pet panther on my way to the bathroom (about putting my eye out and dislocating my knee.) I did appreciate your hospitality of leaving the kitchen light on so I would be able to see while I was getting around this morning. I made it to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, applied deodorant, threw on my clothes and headed out of the bathroom only to find someone had gotten up in the 3 1/2 minutes that it took me to get ready in the bathroom to shut ALL the freakin’ lights off in the house. “WTF?” Are you kidding me? Were you people just trying to “F*CK” with me? Were you behind your bedroom doors covering your mouths to stifle your laughs while I tripped over the ‘pet panther cat’ and cussed while trying to find my way around your house with my arms outstretched in the pitch dark like a blind woman who had lost her cane? Evidently no one in your house has ever heard of a little invention called a ‘NIGHT LIGHT’. I did decide to use my cell phone screen as a make-shift flashlight, I made it outside to my car, which you so graciously let me park in your garage, (......but you did forget to tell me where the freakin’ door opener was………thank you very much - friend.....) spent the next 5 minutes searching the walls of the garage for the garage door opener, which ended up being INSIDE your house door (who the freak puts the garage door button INSIDE the house) Nobody…….heellloooooooo! Once my car was out of your garage, picture me spending the next 7 minutes attempting to close the garage door by pushing the button and running to try to make it under the door before it closed….(.......yeah...close your eyes....see it in your mind, will you.......)........well, it didn’t work…......some idiot decided to put a little feature in THIS garage door that prevents it from closing when I run under it............GENIOUS, I TELL YOU............I pretty much thought I'd pass out from all that running back and forth......…at this point let the damn garage door come down and crush me...........I already have a bum eye and limp from falling over the pather, remember? (Oh and my car thermometer registered a whopping 2 degrees outside this morning friends...good thing I was working up a sweat running back and forth under the damn garage door) …….That's when I realized I didn’t put my car in park as I watched it begin to roll down your driveway. OMG…….ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Sorry, closing the garage door just didn’t seem too important to me right then……..”In fact – SCREW THE GARAGE DOOR………Now picture me running down the driveway toward my car........good thing I'm up to date with my 'Chuck Norris moves 'making it easier for me to slip inside and hit the brakes before my car backed down into the ditch. (It's actually a miracle that I didn’t kill myself this morning, now that I think about it) I have a headache right now and I about fell asleep on my way to work…….. I kept slapping myself across the face and hanging my arm out the window to keep me awake for the 1 ½ hour drive. And for future reference – you should know that I require a minimum of 7 hours of beauty sleep to maintain my fabulous hot-ness on a daily basis!....... So make a note! (3 hours of sleep just doesn’t cut it anymore!) I just looked in the mirror and I look like 'MONKEY ASS' today! I have absolutely no makeup on, I forgot to comb my hair and I just noticed my shirt was on inside out! And something stinks .............and I can't be sure, but it might be me! (It's another miracle that they allow me to work here looking like this!) Oh yeah…..and did I mention on my 1 1/2 hour drive to work this morning that I was about ready to stab a fork in the eyeball of the guy who decided to tailgate me for a 40 mile stretch of highway (with his ‘High Beams’ on………thank you very much, Jack-ass) ….because apparently 60 miles an hour isn’t fast enough to drive at 6AM in the morning ………. pitch dark outside, trying to dodge deer and all the other objects that were in my vision due to my night blindness, and on top of that it was snowing SIDEWAYS outside, you moron! Anyway.......Love you Kelly and Mary! How was your freakin' morning?

"More Out-fits Monday"

2011-01-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

As promised......more outfits brought to you by the

'My Life As Jenny Paper Doll Collection'.....

Go HERE to get the 'My Life as Jenny' Paper-Doll!

New outfits every month!

Wanna celebrate with me? You bring the Tequila, I'll bring my 'Butt-less Chaps'!

2011-01-13T11:30:00.001-05:00

I’m so excited I could just pee myself!
I now officially have '100 followers' on my blog and I’m all bubbly and star-struck!   If you could see me now – I’m up on an end table in my living room doing the ‘groin-grind’ and ‘fist pump’ and mouthin’ the words to ‘I am woman hear me roar!’

All thanks too my new friend, Jenny ............she found my blog on-line and actually likes me (………..probably because she doesn’t really know me too well, yet……….give her time…….before long - she’ll think I’m a weirdo, just like all you other people who read my blog…………..)   (......hey......what the 'freak' do all you people know anyway.........GEEZ!)     Anyway, my new friend, Jenny thinks I’m awesome and funny and gorgeous and smart and the best thing to hit the world since soft butter………..(well, she didn’t REALLY USE those words and ACTUALLY SAY those things about me….but …….helllloooooo……who wouldn't think I'm funny and 'HOT' and awesome and stuff? )   …I think she’s pretty awesome too! So you’ll have to go visit her at http://pearsonreport.blogspot.com/ and check her out.    NOTE:   Did you notice her name is Jenny, too? (....yeah, she's a copy-cat......!)   In fact I think she went out and changed her name just so she could be like me......hellllooooooo......... (No - not really......I just made that part up............... I'm pretty sure she was born with that name actually......but wouldn't it be cool if she DID go out and have her name legally changed to match my name - because she wanted to be just like me?.........that would be so 'freakin' awesome.............I mean........in a creepy-stalker-kind of way!   .......I'm just sayin'...........)

..................SO BECAUSE I now have 100 followers ……....I think it's only appropriate to tell you 100 interesting things about myself! ..........but stay tuned.........that's gonna have to be a whole 'nother post! (......you know how I detest LONG posts........)

So.....I'm sending a big THANK YOU instead - to all of my followers (or people who just stop by my blog secretly when know one is looking) who make time in their day to read my blog and stay tuned! I know how busy you all are with your lives and it makes me feel special to know you're reading my stuff! You're the best!

Yeah.....(...yeah, I just have to add...........) that word must be getting around how COOL I am........(....not that it should surprise you all.......what with it all being about me! ) Yes, if you're NEW to my blog - you should know "Life is All about Me!" (..........hey it's MY blog!   I can write what I want!)

I've kinda summed it up like this: "I think I'm like this really annoying girl that just won't go away......and you don't even really like me.....in fact you find me kind of conceded and irritating........ and as much as you try to ignore me............I just keeps popping up and won't leave you alone............so you find yourself just continually coming back for MORE!"

Happy Freakin' New Year People!

2011-01-06T05:00:00.001-05:00

It’s 2011! (Time sure does fly when you're drunk and high on vivarin, don't it?) Everywhere I turn, someone’s wishing me a HAPPY NEW YEAR…....….wishing me a great ‘2011’…..hoping I have good health……or good wealth or something like that - in the coming year…...…wishing me a great year of good luck….. …...…..you know what I’m talking about, right?

WELL……….all of these well wishes for the New Year has got me thinking…..I’m not gonna ‘wish you guys anything’……..(just so you know)…….I’m gonna give you a list of things that I hope DON’T Happen to you in 2011……….

SO....................MY HOPES FOR YOU IN 2011 are as follows:

1.) I hope you don’t die! (………cause that would totally suck………)

2.) I hope you don’t gain 30 pounds….or 40 pounds! (….even tho it makes ME look a whole lot better when I’m standing next to fat people!)

3.) I hope you don’t go out and do something stupid...that you may regret, later! (..... like get a tattoo of a ‘skull and cross bones’ on your forehead………or shave your eyebrows completely off!)
4.) I hope you don’t get attacked by ‘Garden Gnomes’!

5.) I hope you don’t poop your pants in Church one Sunday!

6.) I hope you don’t accidentally kill a homeless guy who’s walking along the side of the road……… while your driving …… and you think he’s dead……. so you bury his body in the ditch and pretend it didn’t happen…….. and then he comes back to stalk you like a maniacal killer……because he really wasn’t dead! (........I'm just sayin'.........)

7.) I hope you don’t win the lottery........ blow all your money......get arrested for 'Tax Fraud' .........and end up in prison .........with a cell-mate named 'Shirley' .........who makes you her bitch!

8.) I hope you don’t get uncontrollably drunk one night….and wake up the next morning alone in a cemetery..…with your front teeth missing and someone’s underwear on your head!

9.) I hope you don’t get savagely attacked by a couple of rabid raccoons one night when you’re taking out the garbage!
                            BUT MOST OF ALL..............
10.) I hope you don’t wake up one morning……….decide that I’m a complete moron ……..and decide not to read my blog anymore!

Introducing............The New 'My Life As Jenny' Paper Doll!

2011-01-05T11:05:00.001-05:00

Coming Soon: New Outfits Every Week!

Spoiled Milk, Telemarketers, and Body Odor, OH MY!

2011-01-02T13:34:00.002-05:00

10 Things I hate right now.........

1.) My teeth scraping against the wooden stick of a Popsicle
2.) Spoiled Milk (........when you DIDN'T know it was spoiled..........)

3.) Trying to write with a dull pencil (.....don't we own a freakin' pencil sharpener in this house?.....)

4.) Having to return something to the store
5.) The little black hairs that grow out of my chin (........what the H*LL?...........did I accidentally take some steroids or something.......)

6.) Telemarketers (.... no, I'm not interested in getting a free carpet cleaning when you call me at 9:00PM at night.....)

7.) Garden Gnomes.........(......hellllloooo........that's a given!)
8.) Rude People (.......hey, sorry your life sucks, but try being nice to me....)
9.) Body Odor (....seriously .............can't you smell yourself, dude?)
10.) Cleaning up 'Dog-Vomit' (......don't even ask..........)

"How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack"....Have YOU Bought the Book yet?

2010-12-28T20:30:00.001-05:00

Hi guys! Have you been to the ‘My Life As Jenny Store” yet? .....over on the right side bar of this blog……...you see it……..it has a green caption/header that reads “My Life As Jenny Store”………right over there on the right.......…featuring the ‘How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack’ book……..

…….well…….if you haven’t checked it out, you had better……(just some little friendly advice from a girl who has a unhealthy fixation on being attacked by these ugly red hat-ed warriors) it won’t take long to check out the store (since there’s only one thing featured in the store....hellloooooo........for now, anyway.....) ….but it’s this one little book that’s gonna make a difference in your life, people…..so you better check it out ….. “How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They will)” by Chuck Sambuchino. (This is a great book.....I've read it so many times that you won't find me being unprepared when the devil dwarfs decide to attack....no-sirree-bob...I'm actually becoming quite the expert in garden gnome defense.....just so you know...)

Chuck Sambuchino is currently my HERO! He’s a brilliant man who wrote this book about the upcoming invasion of the Garden Gnomes. As far as I KNOW, he’s the only one that has been brave enough to warn us all about the murderous dwarfs. Oh, and besides writing, Chuck loves music, plays guitar and piano in a rock cover band (how cool is that) and he loves chocolate chip cookies. And he’s HOT …………(….I’m just sayin’)……..

YOU GOTTA GET THIS BOOK, PEOPLE……..in it, Chuck, talks about the looming dangers that garden gnomes present to America’s suburbs and rural areas. "As many as 10 percent of unsolved cold cases probably involve garden gnomes," Sambuchino told AOL News. "It's a serious problem." (..the book is only 106 pages long, so don't panic....even slow readers can manage this.....trust me......)

Key points featured in the book:
1.) Which areas of the country are more prone to garden gnome attacks, as well as keys to determining whether you're at risk. (Are you at risk?) (maybe you ought ta read the book.....you think?)

2.) Did you know that garden gnomes use a variety of weapons for their fiendish attacks, including slingshots, axes and spears, but their killing tool is the scythe? (Important information, so try to keep up!)

3.) Mr. Sambuchino also claims that garden gnomes are most likely to attack during storms. Do you know why? (..........probably NOT cause' you haven't read the 'freakin' book.....)
"The rain hitting the roof masks the sound of drilling through the wall," he said. "They attack you in bed, which is why I recommend making paper-mache copies of yourself and putting them in the other bedrooms. That way, if they attack you, you have time to see it happening and escape." (By God, he's a Genius, I tell you!)

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only survival guide that instructs you on how to prevent and ward off a home invasion and eradicate them from your property for good. In the unfortunate event of an actual attack, it will prepare you for battle, outlining dozens of possible encounter scenarios and defense strategies.

.....Don't think you have anything to worry about? ............Don't think the 'garden gnomes' are anything that you really have to worry about? ..............Are you really willing to take that chance?
Source: When Garden Gnomes Attack by David Moye/Aol News (Sept 22, 2010)
http://www.aolnews.com/discuss/2010/09/22/hold-for-buck-edited-when-garden-gnomes-attack#gcpDiscussPageUrlAnchor

It's No Secret....

2010-12-20T16:43:00.000-05:00

Where's the 'Freakin' Wine? .....and I think I have a concussion!

2010-12-19T20:30:00.001-05:00

Wanna know how my weekend went? .....(well I'm gonna tell you regardless......I mean.....whether you really want to hear about it or not).......(after all......this Blog is ALL ABOUT ME, remember?)

Thursday night: Put up the Christmas tree.....(all by myself)......wrapped all of the presents and put them under the tree.

Friday night:   Decorated the Christmas Tree.....(all by myself).............climbed on a chair to put the Star on the top of the tree, the ceiling fan hit me in the head, knocked me off the chair and I fell to the floor....almost taking the tree with me.....(I think I was unconscious for a few minutes).........and I'm pretty sure I dislocated my elbow.....and if I'm remembering it correctly, I had no feeling in the left side of my body for a good 3 minutes after I fell.......altho my memories a little fuzzy right now.............but I do remember seeing stars and little birds dancing around in my head and hearing ringing in my ears..............yeah........pretty sure I have a concussion.......I'm just sayin'......

Saturday:  Spent all morning looking for my bottle of wine....then I remembered I drank the entire bottle Friday night............(...yup....there's the empty bottle in the garbage and my dirty wine glass in the sink............silly me........)......... Spent the day 're-wrapping' all of the presents under the tree because my dog decided to piss all over them..........(if your present smells like DOG PISS.......DEAL WITH IT!)...............OH, and I'm pretty sure that I ate an entire roll of 'chocolate chip cookie dough' and an entire bag of peanut M&M's all by myself.........I couldn't remember if I took some Tylenol, so I took 3 more...... I drank another bottle of wine........accidentally locked my dog in the closet.........

Sunday: Painted my fingernails and then heard a loud crash from the other room.........(scared the 'freakin SH*T' out of me........just so you know......)...........dog started barking..........I grabbed a butcher knife and a baseball bat and headed to the other room..........where I found the Christmas tree laying across my dining room floor.....pine needles .....water ........broken ornaments EVERYWHERE.......spent the next 2 hours cleaning up pine needles and water and broken ornaments..............couldn't find the stinking string.......... or a hammer.......so I used binder twine and a brick to pound the nails in my wall that I needed to secure the tree back up .....around the branches and to the wall....(looks really 'freakin' lovely...just so you know......).........hung some ornaments from the binder twine to make it look prettier.......(.....don't think it worked..................at this point.....who cares.......).......decided to forget the wine - I need Vodka........I'm out of Tonic - so I'm drinking it straight out of the bottle (..........hey.......don't judge me!)......repainted my fingernails since they were not dry at the time of the 'Christmas tree disaster' .................my fingernails look like SH*T..........
                            ..............now I'm watching 'Fargo' on TV and plucking my eyebrows.....

How was your 'Freakin' weekend?

OMG....Not another Gnome.....

2010-12-15T20:00:00.019-05:00

So...this is the deal, people.................(for those who haven't been keeping up with my life) ......I've been out of state for 3 1/2 weeks selling Christmas Trees in Florida. (http://www.bgchristmastrees.com/) Well, I'm back now and I thought I'd let you in on a few things that have been happening since I've been gone........(I mean..........LOTS of things happened, but I'll highlight the important points until my next post.........)

1.) While in Florida, I FROZE my 'tush' off ...........(which didn't make me too happy) ......what's with the 40-50 degree weather in Florida these days...................heellooooooo..........I didn't leave Michigan to go to Florida and freeze my *SS off, friends.........NO SOUP FOR YOU! NO TAN FOR ME!!!

2.) I lost more weight while I was gone.......I'm down 21 pounds................. (actually 20 pounds now....since I gained a pound back quite recently!) .....................It's those D*MN Cheeseburgers...I'm telling you!

3.) My son got engaged! (..........and my soon-to-be daughter-in-law is a peach........just so you know!) .......................I did tell them both: "Now don't be going and having babies really soon because I need time to adjust to having a married son and daughter-in-law before I can even start to consider myself as being a grandma!" .............(......helllooooooo......me.........a grandma?....)......When the time comes, maybe I'll have my grandkids call me 'Aunt Jenny' for a while....I mean......around other people.............................(at least until I can get used to being somebodies grandma and all!) Well, let's not get all excited, Jenny...first things first........for 'freaks' sakes....they're not even married yet....let's try to get thru the wedding, can we!

4.) .....................heellloooooo.........guess what I found in the front yard of a house that was about 10-11 houses down from ours..............

..............yes..............you guessed it! "The King of the Gnomes"........(now you didn't actually think I could get thru an entire post without mentioning the evil little dwarfs, did you?) .....................(they're 'freakin' everywhere)..................I'm not kidding either...............................this 'little sucker' was HUGE, too............like some 'pygmy on steroids'......................... I actually creeped up to take a picture of the 'Freakin' thing one day (when I thought it wasn't looking)......and what do you know.........the stinking midget attacked me................so there I was laying in the yard ........defenseless against his 'Chuck Norris Moves' and his mini pitch-fork and machete.............because I was un-armed.....what with only my camera and like that was going to help me in a situation like this......heellloooooo.........

.......No, not really...........I'm making this up...............I mean...........the part about the huge Monster Gnome in the yard next door was real................. but it didn't really attack me ......................but it could have.......and just so you know........I didn't get a lot of sleep down in Florida, due to the fact that I had to keep one eye open all night waiting for the cuzzid thing to kill me in my sleep......................I'm just sayin'........................ (and another thing........now all the neighbors think I'm some 'crazy psycho lady' because I actually laid down in someones yard to take this picture!)

Want to know what I've been up to?

2010-11-15T21:00:00.001-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was introduced to a product that is currently changing my life as we speak and I can't help but share it with you.

I've never had a problem with weight loss, up until now. When I got re-married 10 1/2 years ago, I was leading an active life, teaching aerobics and I was in the best shape of my life. Unfortunately, since that time (over a period of 10+ years), I've found I've gotten lazy, become less active, quit doing aerobic (actually went totally 'Cold Turkey' on the exercising altogether) and I've started eating more. I eventually became a 'closet eater' (unbeknown st to most of my family and friends), and gained a considerable amount of weight (45+ pounds) over time.  Over the last few years, the doctor has been concerned with my fluctuating high blood pressure, I've been diagnosed with pre-diabetes and been put on medicine to control my cholesterol. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not obese, and I'm not extremely heavy......I'm what you'd call overweight, chubby, chunky, or 'big boned'...........simply put and more importantly.....very unhealthy!

I've always been happy with myself and for anyone who knows me, they can tell you that I'm a very positive person......  Two of my very close friends (both male and female), when asked once to answer a question about me ......(What is the most attractive feature about your friend, Jenny? Her smile, Her figure, Her looks, or Her personality ), both answered 'her personality'! They answered honestly and risked offending me, but I smiled, gave them a hug, and told them that that was the best compliment that I had gotten in a long time. I can honestly say that I'd rather be 'Fat and Fun' than be some Skinny Bitch anyway! Basically, I believe there is more to life than being thin......it's what's on the inside that matters MOST...not how a person looks on the outside. Don't get me wrong.....I'd love to be thin again, but I guess I'm not someone who's gonna obsess over it and let it ruin her life..........but I DO want to be healthy!

Which brings me to 'Isogenix'....Isagenix is the practice of Nutritional Cleansing (not to be confused with colon cleansing) ...............it is a nutritional cleansing system which results in better health, well-being and weight loss.  Everyday we are regularly exposed to pollutants in our environment, impurities in our diets and stress that is often created by our hectic lifes.............Isogenix cleanses, replenishes and revitalizes the body with essential nutrients. Nutritional Cleansing helps the body and organs to do what they are designed to do naturally and remove impurities. Isagenix systems focus on a complete approach to greater health and wellness with Nutritional Cleansing, a low-calorie meal routine and taking essential daily nutrients.

I've had terrific results with Isogenix. After 4 days, I lost 7 pounds and 7 1/4 inches...................and after 12 days, I lost 15 pounds and 10 1/4 inches and I feel wonderful. I've been on the system for 24 days now and aside from a slight headache at first (which I attribute to my caffeine withdrawal and that I wasn't drinking enough water), I've experienced NO problems at all. I've tried other things and nothing has ever worked for me, as far as weight loss. I've been able to see quick results with this system and thus, I'm motivated to keep using it! When I started 24 days ago, I weighed almost 200 pounds and ate everything in site! I ate donuts regularly on the way to work and frequented Fast Food restaurants at least 4-5 days a week. (.....if I told you what my daily calorie intake was 20+ days ago, you wouldn't even believe it....it's a wonder that I didn't reach 300 pounds or more for the amount of calories I was taking in daily.................) ............I can honestly say that my cravings are gone now and I feel fabulous and healthy. And I also have more energy now! And believe it or not, I haven't exercised AT ALL..........but I do intend on making walking on my treadmill a priority very soon. I'm currently continuing on with the program to lose more weight and continue to get healthier. In 24 days, I've lost 17 pounds and 14 inches total. I'd recommend this program to anyone, the results don't lie and if I can do it, anyone can! I truly feel fabulous.......and I'm on my way to a happier, healthier lifestyle!

If you would like to learn more about this product, you can visit my site at: http://jennylbrown.isagenix.com/ and contact me for more information.

Do You Hunt? Me? ..........No, I just PRETEND that I do!

2010-11-15T12:46:00.000-05:00

To Hunt ...or not to Hunt! (Hairyman would tell me that's a STUPID QUESTION!)

Today's the first day of rifle season and that's a BIG DEAL here in Michigan! (Just so you know!)

It's also a known fact that 'He who dies with the most meat in his freezer WINS!'..........I'm just sayin'........

..........and another thing...............I don't actually hunt (....in fact, I don't even know how to shoot a gun.......)..........I just like to dress up in 'camo' so that I fit in with all the other red-necks around here ...........I pretty much just pretend that I hunt....... (just so you know!)

Yeah........getting up at 4AM........rubbing deer piss all over my body..................to walk out into the forest in the pitch dark weather.......(...while getting freaked out at every little sound I hear coming from the woods.....).........rubbing dear antlers together and making deer calls to attract some big trophy buck with huge horns..........................sitting 'white knuckles' in the trees for hours and hours......(......being on the lookout for black bears to sniff me out, attack, tear me from limb to limb and maul me to death...... ).........all alone, bored to death.........and probably hungry (yeah, I'm sure I'd be hungry..........helllooooooooo...............)....all the while looking like an idiot in my bright orange vest................ and freezing to death ..............and knowing me, I'd 'freakin' get lost out there or shoot myself.

(......wouldn't it be a lot easier to go to the grocery store and buy a few pounds of beef?...............and go to Cabala's and buy a fake deer head to hang on the wall?) I'm Just Sayin'............

Halloween Party Nightmare.........

2010-11-10T06:00:00.002-05:00

Yes, this is me....me with a Garden Gnome trying to kiss me, actually! I threw our annual Halloween party this year (this last weekend) AND guess who decided to make an appearance? Yes, one of my good friends (who will remain nameless) ............ah.........Porscha.........she decided that it would be SO funny to show up to my costume party dressed like a 'Garden Gnome'.........

.....who does this shit, anyway..........helllooooooo............a GARDEN GNOME...SERIOUSLY............

So after I got over the initial shock ........after I pissed myself...........after I stopped freaking out over an actual-live-gnome walking around in my presence.........after I realized this life size Demon-Elf wasn't here to reek carnage, kill us with his bloody garden hoe, cut up our bodies into little pieces and feed us to the squirrels ..................I did finally come to the conclusion that this evil demon was only a good friend in disguise........ not your average, normal half-pint killer Garden Gnome......(you know the kind that will take over the world and kill us one day................that kind of gnome..........)

So I was OK with it! (But only this one time.......I'm just sayin'................ )

Garden Gnomes Attack

2010-11-09T20:00:00.000-05:00

The Gnomes are Coming........ The Threat is Real!

Have you bought the book yet?

"How to Survive a Gnome Attack" by Chuck Sambuchino

Learn how to defend yourself by buying this book............

........you can check it out in my 'My Life As Jenny' Store (over in the top right hand column of my blog.)

Video courtesy of http://www.howtosurviveagardengnomeattack.com/

No, I'm Not Dead! ....I Just Have A Life, People!

2010-11-09T11:22:00.076-05:00

………….okay………just in case you’re all wondering………
                   ........... NO, I’m NOT DEAD!

I’m very much aware that I have been ‘MIA'!    (....'Missing In Action......, for those of you who don't know the Chuck Norris lingo......like I do....)
Here are my reasons (excuses) that I’ve been neglecting my blog lately:

1. I have a Life! (…..Surprise! …….)

2. I won the lotto, quit my job, moved to the Bahamas and blew off all of my daily responsibilities…………….(…just kidding……didn’t happen…..)

3. Things have been very stressful at work and I’ve been dealing with a few issues! (In a nutshell – I’m a psycho secretary and I’ve had a few meltdowns in the last couple of weeks….) ……(........hey, don't JUDGE ME!)   ...........for those of you who don’t remember (….or who don’t pay attention to me…..), I work out of the home full time on a daily basis! (…try to keep up, people………..) Basically, my work has been keeping me away from my blog!
4. The love of my life...........Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (...in case you didn't know that I have a secret love affair that's been going on with 'The Rock'.....) ...........finally confessed his undying love for me and showed up on my door step, and asked me to marry him. So I dumped 'Hairyman' (......sorry, Hairyman....) and left with Dwayne on his private jet to Paris to spend a few weeks and live-happily-ever-after! (.........nope.........I made this one up too....didn't happen.......)   (....but a girl can dream.........and I'm sure it will happen one day!) .........I'm just sayin'!

5. I’m getting ready to go to Florida and sell Christmas Trees at our Tree Lot in less than two weeks, and there is a lot to do in getting ready again this year. (…..for those of you who are new to my life, my husband and I go to Florida every year for a month and sell Fresh Christmas Trees over the holidays…) I leave in 1 ½ weeks and I am behind on my ‘Tree Lot Duties’…….. (Hairyman is about ready to kill me!)   (I chose 'neglecting my blog' rather than make Hariyman Angry!)
You can visit us at: www. bgchristmastrees.com

6. I was abducted by garden gnomes a few weeks ago and they took me back to their gnome cave and tied me up. They tortured me and beat me on a daily basis with their little shovels and fed me only bean curds and water for 3 weeks. Luckily, I escaped from the little demons and was able to find my way home weeks later……..(………NO….joking again………this didn’t happen!) (....but I'm not saying it won't happen one of these day......you know how I feel about those damn garden gnomes!)

7. I've been busy on Facebook.........God forbid my crops might wither!

Hey....work with me Here, PEOPLE, I haven't had a Red Bull in over 3 weeks!

8. I've become involved in a company called "Isogenix" and I've been becoming familiar with the product. (In 4 days I lost 7 pounds and 7 inches. And in 12 days I lost a total of 15 pounds and 10 ¼ inches. ) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this weight loss/ cleansing system and I've been spreading the word.

(....if you're interested, let me know!) I'm feeling fantastic these days!

So that's my story, my fellow followers....but stay tuned because I'm getting my life back on track and .....

I'LL BE BACK!

Bologna and my New Blogging Buddy!

2010-10-25T11:00:00.001-04:00

Several days ago (...more than several, but who's counting, anyway....) I was visiting DLK (one of my blogging buddies) over at "Moon Clippings" ........(.........at least I think we're blogging buddies ..............we ARE blogging buddies, aren't we, DLK?) and I left a comment after she made me aware that I could get cancer by eating bologna.... You can find her post at 'My bologna has a first name - It's Cancer!' She's a funny gal like me! (.................I mean she's not as funny as I am....but I'm sure you'll giggle, none the less.......I'm just sayin'......)

"Sorry......but, 'NO WAY - JOSE!'....I'm not giving up my bologna (I love bologna!) I just try not to think about what's in it, okay! (...so thanks DLK, for letting me in on the little cancer scare, girlfriend!) :):) And as far as getting cancer is concerned, .....I'm sure my liver will fail first (from the amount of drinking I do on a daily basis), way before cancer takes over my body! And, no, I don't wear sunscreen...I'm just walking around like a virgin out there waiting for diseases to take over my body, too! (Have I told you how pathetic and unhealthy I am!?)"

Yes, I'm pretty sure that if DLK and I remain friends, she'll realize just how big of a bond that I have with my bologna and how unhealthy of a person that I am! (....do you think she'll still want to be my friend? )

I gotta quit looking at myself naked in the mirror!

2010-10-20T13:00:00.001-04:00

First of all, I’ve had about enough Red Bull that I can handle today, …..time to lay off it awhile…….I’m just sayin’…..I think I’m gonna faint!

I’m in serious need of a 'body image change', too, (just so you know)….I’m standing in front of the mirror totally naked - checking myself out again…………(……..I gotta quit doing that, already……it’s depressing………and it makes me want to throw up!)

……..and I don’t know exactly what happened to my body these last few years - to make it look like the way it does right now – ‘CAUSE it’s not pretty……..not pretty one single bit! (….okay……..who am I fooling……….. of course I know why my body looks like this right now……....hellllllloooo…….it’s because I’m lazy….and I’m fat ……….and I like to eat!) And as I look at this body of mine, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not that sexy anymore! And it’s starting to PISS ME OFF! (………’cause I’m this little ‘sex craved’ smokin’ hot 29 year old stuck in this frumpy ‘mom’ body……..remember?)

………I mean, it’s not like I’m the type of girl that thinks a woman has to be thin to be sexy .......(…no, I’m not that kind of girl….don’t worry…….) But - HOLY GEEZ……I do remember that ‘IT WAS A LOT MORE FUN TO BE SEXY’ when I was thinner – and smokin’ hot………

…..so then I get this great idea that I’m gonna try on all my ‘sexy stuff’ that I have hidden in my closet………so here I am now - parading around in front of the full length mirror trying on all my sexy little lacy teddy’s and negligees and thigh highs......... high heels and garters and I’m posing all seductive and pretending I’m some ‘playboy bunny on steroids’ ……… and actually, it’s not that I look too bad…….I mean if I stand a certain way and hold in my stomach just right, and push my rear-end out and if I don’t breathe……..and push my chest out….…and don’t move, for ‘Freaks Sake’ (for fear that my muffin-top is gonna fall out of my elastic panties and one of my boobs is gonna fall out of my skimpy little bra)………….well, I may be able to get away with it………but once I move………(…well….a girls gotta breathe, right?) …........well, then it’s all over, people!

….what’s a girl to do?

.......you can't be expecting too much outta this BLOG.......okay?

2010-10-15T14:27:00.001-04:00

Deer Heads are Falling Off the Deer....OR is that a Dead Possum?

2010-10-13T12:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning (around 6:00am) I let our little dog, Max, outside in his pen ...through his doggie door..........to do 'his business' and as I peeked out the slider door (out into the darkness) ......(to try to catch a peek at him doing 'His Thing'............yeah, I'm that kind of dog owner).......I noticed that he had congregated to the side of his pen and was sniffing something. After a minute or two, I decided to step out into the darkness and into his fenced in pen to take a look to see what had gathered his attention. WELL, at first, I though there was a 'severed deer head' laying in the corner of his pen that had gained his attention, (.....and I'm thinking to myself ........GREAT.........now we have deer around our property whose heads are falling off.............) ........but as I looked closer, I realize there was some dead animal laying in the corner of his pen - it wasn't a severed deer head after all (....guess I won't have to worry about those headless deer, now.............) So here I was (...and pay attention, cause this will be an important factor later on in my story..) ....here I was.... I'm squatting down ....my face about 1 foot or so from this dead carcass laying on the cement......trying to get a better look......I kick it a little with my slipper....you know.........to make sure it's dead.............and I take an even closer look (...it's 6AM and dark out, remember.............) ........and upon closer inspection, I realize that it's a possum that's dead in Max's pen. Well, I move a little closer TO SEE WHY the heck IT'S DEAD in my dogs pen.......like I wanna make sure one of it's feet isn't caught in the fence.....and I'm picturing it - with it's leg caught and how it's trying to gnaw away at his leg to get free.......and maybe it's leg is bloody and hanging there from the bone and maybe possums teeth aren't sharp enough to gnaw through bone............so now I'm probably going to have to go get a saw or a jack knife and help it free itself..............but wait........the darn things dead, right...........and WAIT............that's mice that eat their legs off to get out of situations, not possums.......I don't think possums do that , do they? ....anyway.........it's laying on it's back.........all four feet straight up in the air.......(..and I'm wondering what the FREAK is up with that.........)......so I stand up, move back, grab Max, go inside, grab a shovel and a flash light and head back out to get this dead carcass out of Max's pen...............and guess what?

It's FREAKIN' GONE!

How can it be gone? I left it there for maybe...1 minute or so......if that! AND IT WAS DEAD..........WASN'T IT? Well apparently it wasn't dead ..............helllooooo............and remember how I told you had my face about 8 inches from it all the while I was trying to get a better look at it! Now I'm sick to my stomach.......I could have been attacked by this rabid possum.........and it was probably a mutant hybrid possum (not just the normal ones, you'd find in the woods)......... IT could have jumped up with it's razor sharp teeth and mauled me .........and given me rabies..........and infected me with it's mutant blood ............ and it could've messed up my face.........and I would have scars (....surely there would be scars..........) AND BLOOD (and we all know how well I deal with blood) ..........and I wouldn't be able to be 'HairyMans' Trophy Wife anymore ...................I'm just sayin'.............................

.............and where the heck did it go, anyway? (Let's hope - NOT IN the doggie door!)

Yes, I KNOW I have a moustache......but thank you very much for pointing it out to me!

2010-10-07T14:14:00.000-04:00

One of the technicians at our office .....a co-worker.....of the male persuasion, mind you.......thought it would be a good idea to inform me that I was sporting a moustache today......YES, A MOUSTACHE.....(...and no, I'm not making this SHIT up, people.....like I wanna go around having conversations with you about how I have black hair growing under my nose......) (.....and just so you know.....if you look close enough, you'll probably find some hair growing OUT OF MY NOSTRILS, TOO....SO THERE....... ) Although, why him telling me that I have black hair on my upper lip should cause such a reaction in myself is beyond me........... ISN'T IT I - who doesn't have a problem with telling all of you how I have 'little black hairs growing out of my nipples'........well, one should expect that IF I HAVE hair on my nipples, I'd also be sportin' a moustache, as well! But that's beside the point! We're not talking about the hair growing in inappropriate places on my body..............we're here to talk about PEOPLE WHO TELL ME I have hair growing in inappropriate places! (....like I don't know that already....helllooooooo.....)

So of course all day long people were staring at my upper lip, (in my own little twisted mind, anyway), and it was all I could do to look them in the face and NOT poke them in the eyes with my finger!

Like I'm the only woman to ever sport a 'stach.............so I forgot to bleach it one day - sue me! OR God Forbid that I would neglect to shave my upper lip for a day or two...... GOSH.......(....now I've gotten myself all worked up again....)

LORD, IT SUCKS GETTING OLD!

I have a life, people........and quit peeing on the walls!

2010-10-05T14:30:00.001-04:00

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah....I know I haven't posted in awhile......well, how many times have I told you that you can't expect TOO MUCH out of me! .....and I do have a life, people!

Besides, after my last post regarding 'Gnomeo and Juliet', I had to take a break and try to figure out what the world is coming too, if Disney is now making movies about GNOMES!! I'm definitely not planning on seeing THIS movie anytime soon- but I'll tell you right now that I'm sure the ending includes bloody carnage and severed body parts as all the gnomes (both with red hats and blue hats) (....and NO...I don't care if the blue ones seemed friendly .....NO gnome can be trusted......that's how they draw you in....with their cute little elf clothes and sneaky smiles........and then they pull out a dagger from behind and stab you in your jugular when you aren't looking......or they throw gasoline on you while you're sleeping and set you on fire! Trust me!)

Anyway........It's freezing in my office today.......probably because it's 50 degrees outside and I'm not wearing any shoes. I'm walking around in our office barefoot and actually I just looked at the bottom of my feet..........and they're filthy. (....better put my sandals back on.....) ......oh, and I gotta pee, anyway, and I'm sure as shit not gonna walk into our bathroom with no shoes on, even if it is carpeted, mind you! Who knows where those disgusting men in our office have been peeing........(....helllloooooo...........we all know, men can't aim that thing and they can't urinate without hitting the wall or pissing on the floor......)

Well.....that's it for now, girlfriends.......I'm at work and I'm supposed to be working anyway.............

Gnomeo and Juliet .......You've Got To Be Kidding ME!

2010-09-23T09:30:00.002-04:00

A friend of mine (well ....she used to be a friend of mine) (.....until she showed me this trailer for the new Disney Movie...)

'GNOMEO and JULIET'..........you've got to be kidding me!

This is just all of my worst nightmares tied up into one 'Disney Movie Gone Wrong', People!

There are no words right now! I'm at a lost! I feel sick to my stomach and I actually just threw up in my mouth and swallowed it!

I've been telling you for years that the Garden Gnomes come to life at night while we're not watching! SO THERE YOU GO!

(This is even FAR WORSE than when THAT HOUSE fell on my sister!)

My 'Biker Babe' Friend.....I've got an ITCH.....AND I'm Voting for Pedro!

2010-09-22T14:00:00.000-04:00

Just some random things today............

1.) This morning I grabbed my deodorant and sprayed my entire head……before I realized it wasn’t my hairspray!

2.) I’ve decided that when the next presidential election comes around………..I’m voting for Pedro!

3.) OM'freakin' Gosh....I can't quit itching today............my neck itches, my arms itch, my butt itches, my back itches, my calves itch......even my fingers itch! It's driving me crazy....I'm either allergic to something or I got bugs! I've been itching all day, and now I have red welts all over my body (.....and yes, I did shower this morning, people!)

4.) I love getting drunk and THEN looking in the mirror……cause I LOOK AWESOME when I drink!

5.) Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a VAMPIRE……. (just so you know……..)

6.) A friend of mine ...........let's call her Chris.....( 'cause that's her name ) ....well she's a 'Biker Babe' now - 'cause she and her husband got a 'Harley' and they go ridin', out on the open rode (that's Biker talk, in case you don't know the lingo)     Well, she got chaps.........and this is how it went down:

Chris: "Hey Jenny, I went shopping and bought myself a pair of Chaps."

Me: "What the Freak do YOU need 'Chaps' for?"

Chris: "For bike riding....when me and Chris (that's her husbands name, too, I know.......confusing....) go bike riding, I need leathers (that's biker lingo for coats and chaps and leather stuff)...so I bought a leather coat and some chaps."

Me: "Are they butt-less chaps?" (...I'm thinking....cool...)

Chris: "Jenny, ALL chaps are butt-less!" (...she laughs as if I'm stupid...)

Me:  "OH MY Gosh.....you're gonna wear butt-less chaps out on the bike with Chris? No, way!"   (...now I'm thinking......awesome wicked cool...)

Chris: "Jenny.....I'm gonna wear jeans under them, for crying out loud!" (....she's laughing and looking at me as if I'm an idiot...)

Me: "OH" ......"Boring!" (...for a split second there - I thought she may have been the most coolest girl I know....)   (...shoulda' known better......I'm actually the coolest girl I know.....helllooooooo....)
(photo courtesy of the internet)

Have You Ever Wednesday........

2010-09-15T15:13:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been having a conversation with someone….and you find yourself thinking that MAYBE the person that you’re talking to might NOT be a person at all……….but an alien from another planet who is dressed up as a human.......…pretending to be a person…….......and instead of using their 'alien language voice' while they are talking to you....…….they’re using one of those 'vocal control contraptions' on their larynx (that you see in the movies) that make themselves SOUND human …......and their skin is actually FAKE SKIN that they’ve stretched out and they are wearing over their green slimey lizard skin and it makes you wonder?

And you try not to think of them being an alien and all......and you try not to think of their skin suddenly ripping open to reveal a grotesque serpent who's ready to drain the blood from your body and eat your brain..................and...you start, let's see......thinking about Zebra's for instance.......but you're mind keep wondering back to what's actually under their skin........and how they're gonna rip off your head...........

And THEN you reach out and pinch them on the face......really hard……… and that’s when you realize that you’ve let your imagination get away from you again?
(photo courtesy of the internet)

Let's NEVER Forget!

2010-09-11T11:57:00.000-04:00

Remembering those who lost their lives and their families in the tragic attacks 9 years ago on 9-11. Also remembering all those who serve and continue to put their lives on the line in the name of freedom. I pray today and everyday for peace. God Bless America.

You Asked For It...........(Pictures from Labor Day Golf 2010)

2010-09-07T12:16:00.001-04:00

Me and My friends!
(......they're not as COOL as me, but that shouldn't surprise you.........) All four of them are so jealous of me because I am so 'Awesome and Good Looking'! They've told me they want to grow up and be just like me.................I'm just sayin'.....

(I'm on the far left, just in case you don't recognize me ) and SERIOUSLY........what's up with all the SMILES! My friends didn't tell me that we were suppose to smile! I think my friends intentionally keep things from me to make me look like an IDIOT!

Laura (....you know.......... 'Hula Hoop Girl') kept begging me to let her ride around in my cart all day long! I told her "Hell, NO - My cart was only for 'Hot Chicks' and she might make me look bad!".................but finally I did give in and told her to 'HOP ON' and I'd take her for a spin........ (here's us on the cart.................making a fast get-away.........because some HOT GUYS kept following me around all day!) I think they wanted to get my autograph! .............I'm just sayin'..........

Here's me......in my cart.............being chased by '2 Hot Guys' ......again......this type of thing kept going on ALL DAY ....(oh, it's SO hard being me!) I told my friends how fortunate they are that they aren't AS PRETTY AS ME!

I was IN CHARGE of the FLAG all day long..............and I tryed my hardest to be silly and make my friends laugh so that they'd screw up their 'Golf Game Scores'......I think this was right before I hit a bump on my cart and PEED MYSELF! (But I can't be sure........I'm just sayin'...)
(all photos courtesy of Amy Christensen)

Recovering from my 'Thong Accident', Hula Hoop Girl and a Day at the Golf Course!

2010-09-06T18:11:00.000-04:00

Well, first of all, I'm still recovering from my 'Thong Accident' from last week! (My buttocks are healing quite nicely....thank you!)

I got to meet 'Hula Hoop Girl'........no kidding......she Hula Hoops for a living....she won 'Flints Got Talent' in 2009. .Her name is Laura......she's cute and a whole lot of fun! (.....I mean...she's NOT as fun as I AM of course, but hey..... she's OK!) She was all about getting attention with her Hula Hoop AT FIRST..........but it didn't take me long to put her in her place and explain to her that it's NOT all about her...........It's ALL About Me! (As soon as she understood that, we got along just fine!)

Golfing was a blast on Saturday! Not that I actually golfed or anything..............(....remember that whole conversation about me being eye candy on the course and all.......try to keep up.....) Well, I DID look phenomenal in my little golf outfit......not that that should surprise you.........helloooooo............

And guess what? ...................I got my OWN cart! .....WHY YES, WE GOT CARTS...............I DON'T EVEN golf for petes sake, you didn't actually think I was gonna walk the damn course did you? Do you NOT KNOW ME, people? (.....I know, you're thinking who in their right mind would allow me to be in charge of my own golf cart..................) .......SO..... not only was I looking awesome on the course........... my BFF's (Porscha, Amy, Laura and Jessica) let me be IN CHARGE of the COOLER! .......what the HELL were they thinking, I ask you?.......... (I never claimed to have the most intelligent friends....I'm just saying.) So basically...... I'm looking HOT......in my OWN cart....... by myself.....and in charge of the Alcohol......OH, and in charge of the music, TOO...(well, not really IN CHARGE of the music, but I got to keep the music in MY CART!)...........I think the music was Laura's idea.....(remember, Hula Hoop Girl?)........OMGOSH.....talk about PRESSURE! (I don't know how they thought I could keep up with looking beautiful, in charge of drinks and songs, trying to maneuver my cart in a sober fashion, while trying to be on the lookout for the 'Golf Police' and rabid grizzly bears and Garden Gnomes)..........and what do you mean, MUSIC? ON A GOLF COURSE? Everyone knows you CAN'T golf without music ......geez......nothing better than trying to make a putt ...with Taio Cruz is singing "I Put My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes!" out of the IPOD.......I'm just saying. (well, pretty much a recipe for disaster ....if I do say so myself!) The four of them (my friends, that is) are pretty good golfers - I have to admit! (Amy could have golfed better, mind you, but I think I kept distracting her with my HOTNESS! Or, maybe it was my dancing! Hey - it's not my fault she kept joining in and shakin' her groove thing with me and 'USHER' out there on the course!) Hey, it wasn't MY idea to bring the MUSIC.....and put it in MY cart! Hey, my friends should know me by now, right?....they didn't really expect me to just sit there in my cart and keep my mouth shut all day long, did they! (I think that's why they invited me, anyway....to amuse them!) .....and trust me it doesn't take much to amuse Amy and Porscha (they normally just amuse themselves!)

WELL, needless to say, while my fellow friends concentrated

on their golf games, I on the other hand, 'Got Drunk and told Jokes!' Did you know that it's hard to focus on your golf game with a loud obnoxious funny 'HOT' woman with you? Well, (they told me.....repeatedly....) apparently it is! Anyway.........what a fun day! I laughed so hard I

couldn't stop peeing my pants. By the way, we talked about that, too (peeing my pants, that is). But I won't get into that....(NOTE TO SELF: Next time, bring more depends!) Yeah I pee myself a lot...just in case you're new to my blog!

Yeah, incontinence is a BITCH, girlfriends!

(photo courtesy of the internet)

Random things and thoughts today!

2010-09-03T11:00:00.000-04:00

First of all...............I ate a leftover 'chicken thigh' from Kentucky Fried Chicken and 4 donuts on the way to work this morning.......................(YES............if you're just tuning in.................I'm a hog!)

I've decided my life is SO much better when I have a 'Tan'!

Each day, when I get home from work, I normally go put on an old T-shirt, a pair of sweats, my eyeglasses and put my hair up in a bun or a messy pony-tail...............Hairyman ALWAYS tells me how attractive I'm looking................(I think he's being sarcastic!)

OH...............and I've also decided that I'm not wearing 'thong' underwear anymore.............. if you MUST know.........it CHAFES me! The other day I had a pair on and they got caught on the bracelet that I was wearing and I got a huge wedgie......... and I'm talking "MEGA - Wedge" girlfriends..........I was chafed, swollen up and bleeding from between my buttocks............not a good picture - just so you know. So I'm back to the 'big girl panties', now!

Hairyman and I are going Golfing this weekend with a bunch of friends..........(my girlfriend, Porscha, knows that I don't golf, but invites me anyway.........she says I can go be 'Eye Candy' on the course......................what a nice friend!).......................I mean, NOT that I'LL be doing any golfing, mind you.....................I'm simply going because I like dressing up in my cute little golf outfit, driving around in the cart, and drinking cocktails all day, while everyone else golfs!

OH....................and I THINK I was a stripper in a past life!

'Happy Labor Day' everyone! Hope you all have a fun and safe weekend!

I have to 'Poop' ............and helllloooooo.......it's All About Me!

2010-08-29T21:41:00.000-04:00

Random things that you may not know about me.......

I have an unhealthy obsession with my dislike of 'Garden Gnomes' and it seems to be taking over my life right now......

When carrying on a conversation with me, you'll find that I'll be a lot more interested in what you have to say if we constantly talk about me!

I used to be a 'teller' at a bank. I worked in a small cubicle right next to about 4 to 5 other tellers like myself. We worked side by side each day taking care of customers transactions. If any of us had to take a break, we'd tell another teller and shut down our window. One of my good friends worked as a teller, too, and whenever I had to 'take a break', I would say, "Hey, Shannen, I gotta poop." She hated it when I said that.........that's probably why I continued doing it.........(I'm just sayin')........

I have a brand new treadmill in my basement and I haven't used it in ......'I don't know how long'........yeah......that's how lazy I am.........

There's a festival in my home town in 3 weeks and I'll be seeing a lot of old friends that I haven't seen in awhile.........so basically I have 3 weeks to get a suntan, lose 30 pounds, and get rid of all these wrinkles......(wish me luck, will ya..................)

If something funny (or not so funny) happens in my life.............TRUST ME...........I'll BLOG about it! ......ah.........why, you ask?...................helllooooooo............because it's 'All About Me', remember...................

(Photo courtesy of the internet)