Adventures of Dog-Sitting/ Part 2

Day #6:

• I made a cake today
• Spent most of the day playing Solitaire and watching Horror movies on the SyFy Channel
• I painted BOTH mine AND the dogs fingernails
• I rearranged all the food and dishes in the kitchen cupboards 

Day #7:

• I took a walk outside  .....(..... wanted to walk around the house to check and make sure everything was okay.....)
• I filled the bird feeders and was attacked by what I think was a family of rabid squirrels............and while running back to the house I fell on the ice......  .....(....I’m almost certain I have a concussion!)

Day #8

• I noticed footsteps outside my window ........went into ‘full panic meltdown mode’......thinking somebody had been outside my window watching me.........(.....until it occurred to me that they were MY footsteps from the day before).  DONT JUDGE ME: I have a Concussion, remember!?
• I’ve eaten the entire CAKE......... all by myself......... in 2 days
• This dog has started following me around everywhere I go..... it’s really starting to freak me out
• I’ve now convinced myself this house is Haunted!

                           ....................Stay tuned for Adventures in Dogsitting/ Part #3

Adventures in Dog-Sitting!

It’s been A WHILE ....(...about a year...... yeah..... I’m a sucky BLOGGER...) ...........since I’ve talked to you people out there.......(....Are you ALL STILL out there?)

Currently I am dog-sitting for a good friend at HER house while her and her husband are vacationing.  (And since I’m a trophy wife - with no current responsibilities, I was a perfect choice, RIGHT?!)  With that being said, I’ve had some free time on my hands ....(....and I haven’t posted in a while, so what better time!) ....... so I thought I’d share a little something with you ....(.... assuming you are all still interested in anything I have to say!)

I’ve been here (house-sitting/ dog-sitting) for 4 days so far (...this is the 5th day........)...and I’ve pretty much been doing nothing!  Yes NOTHING!    ......Just laying around, sleeping in, watching TV (.....mostly Lifetime movies, the SyFy channel, Maury and Jerry Springer...), reading books,  laying on the couch, playing on my iPad, pretty much being lazy and enjoying life (....kind of like I’m on my own little mini vacation!)  .........This dog I’m watching is pretty laid back and doesn’t require a lot of attentions - Yipee!!!!!

Since the weather has been so bad in Michigan this week (aka: the Polar Vortex) I’ve been snowed in pretty much the entire time I’ve been here so far - not wanting to brave the roads and leave the house! (It’s a pretty NICE house and I have everything I need here, so no big deal really!) 

Let me tell you about my week so far........

Day #1 / Day #2: 

• I have had no interaction with the outside world
• I haven’t showered or brushed my teeth 
• I have ATE literally ALL the chocolate in the house ....that I can find anyway...... 

Day #3:

• I finally showered and brushed my teeth ......but still in my pajamas mind you
• I found the alcohol cabinet..... BINGO!
• Still no interaction with the outside world
• Searching the house for more Chocolate..... ...(.....there has got to be chocolate somewhere)
• 6:00 pm.........I’m drunk.......I’m in their game-room playing a game of pool all by myself..... (...I’m winning by the way ....,) .....Britney Spears is blaring on the radio... I’m dancing with the POOL-STICK .....doing my own rendition of ‘Oops, I did it again’

Day #4:

• I ate an entire block of cheese for breakfast
• The dog is now my best friend

Day #5:

* I actually put clothes on today

* I’m planning on going to the grocery store today ....( ....I can’t possibly live in a world with no Chocolate and Cheese!)

I’ll keep in touch......... I’m here for another 9 days!

Artificial Nails Goodbye!

I decided to tear off all my ‘artificial nails’ this morning….....(…not a particularly good idea by the way.........…just so you know!)

I’d wanted them off for weeks, but the little suckers showed no sign of popping off on their own …………. so I decided to take matters into my own hands......(.....because God forbid that I would actually go to a Nail Salon and have a professional take them off for me!)   

So this morning I soaked them in ‘Acetone.’  

The bottle read:

‘Professional Maximum Strength 100% Pure Acetone’

………but I truly believe that a better name for this liquid would be

 ‘Highly Potent Liquid Chemical Lava!’

I soaked them in this ‘chemical molten mixture’ for 1/2 hour……(…...and I will have you know that - this too - was not one of my greatest of ideas!)  

   The bottle instructions read …(.....and I quote):    "Place fingers in bowl of Acetone and allow to soak for 15 minutes maximum……"

(....'MAXIMUM' being the key word here!) 

Well, these ‘fake little devil nails’ were still 'stuck like gorilla glue' to my nail beds......... so I decided to ‘give it a go’ for another 15 minutes.......….

(..…again….not a particularly splendid idea on my part.)

After 30 minutes of soaking in this volcanic fluid, my artificial nails FELT NOW like they'd been hot glued to the ends of my fingers.....(...which by the way, is NOT a delightful feeling!)  

So I preceded to 'Plan B': ……...(...and what - you may ask is plan B?...)   ......well.....to TEAR these 'demon nails' from my THROBBING fingertips of course! 

AGAIN ............. ANOTHER BAD IDEA!

So here we are……….and here I sit.........  nursing my 10 pulsing bloody finger stubs!

Oh.....and guess what.....I can actually FEEL my heartbeat in my fingernails now.........(..well, the fingernails that I have left, anyway) .....and it's not a really desirable feeling.............just so you know!

What fresh HELL is this?

Freakin' Flies, Anyway!

So this last summer, for some reason - in my camper……… there were tons of flies….EVERYWHERE! 

So I go to the store and I buy these ‘Fly Strips’…….(….the kind you unravel and hang from the ceiling and they’re really long and they’re really sticky and the flies are supposed to land on the sticky paper and die a slow boring - probably uncomfortable agonizing death!) 

And while we’re away from the camper, I figure I’ll just hang these sticky things all over ......hoping that when I return, these sticky strips will have done away with all the pesky flies in my camper, right?

Well…..things don’t always turn out the way that I envision them in my head!

So after a week away, I get to my camper and I’m ready for a weekend of relaxation – Fly Free!  I take down all of the hanging fly strips that I can find and dispose of them.  (There are still freakin’ flies all over my camper….. but that’s beside the point!) 

So I get up that night to use the toilet….(…keep in mind that it’s fairly dark in the bathroom of the camper!)  I sit down and ‘do my thing’….and when I stand up from using the toilet, I feel something against my head!  I cock my head to one side and feel something now ‘stuck to the side of my head’ …..which sends me into a ballistic fit of terror!  I reach up and my hand comes in contact with the sticky-ness of the YES – you guessed it!  (I had somehow missed a sticky fly paper hanging above the toilet!)   

  So picture me………… I’m dancing around – in the pitch darkness of the camper bathroom .......... arms flailing wildly in rogue horror….with a FLY COVERED sticky paper trap not only entangled in my hair at this point – but now stuck to my fingers and I’m bumping around like a pinball machine against the cabinet doors and the walls of the bathroom going berserk……losing my balance as I trip over the toilet………. it’s a miracle I didn’t go crashing thru the glass shower door and get impaled by a shard of glass to the neck!

I manage to make it to the light switch….turn on the light…….and my hair is in a dishevel – the fly strip is stuck in my hair in a tangled mess……… freakin’ dead flies all over the place.....in my hair.......on the floor........stuck to my fingers.........on the side of my face......! 

In all the excitement, my dog, Max, awakens and comes prancing into the bathroom………and "Are you ‘Freaking Kidding Me?"      There's another ‘Sticky Fly Strip’ dragging behind him….full of dead flies……(..... that he has somehow gotten into in the night...)..... and it’s now stuck to the side of his head and down the side of his body! 

...........Is there no end to this STICKY FLY TRAP HORROR?

'Flying Cheese'

Okay........so remember my MOUSE PROBLEM (AKA: mutant hybrid rat problem.....)... in my car?   And remember how I've got multiple 'Live Mouse Traps' set on the floor of my back seat ........ behind the drivers seat and passenger seats?

Well, the other day....

(..... after spending a few hours with my daughter in Grand Rapids....)

- I was getting in my car to head home and decided to take my coat off for the drive, right?   So I take my coat off and reach to put my coat in the back seat .......

........well............ I'm turned around ........

(..... picture my face between the two front seats facing the back...)

...... my coat falls from the seat onto the floor hitting not ONE - but TWO of the set mouse traps ....(setting both traps OFF, of course.....)   - which sends cheese flying thru the air ....(...like little mini cheese torpedoes.....)

.....   and before I can get my face out of the way of this flying cheese -  one of the 'Cheese Pieces' HITS ME IN THE EYE!

So now I have 'Cheese Eye'.....

(....I'm pretty sure it's kinda like 'Pink Eye' .........but brought about by flying Cheddar!)

Trophy Wife......

ALCOHOL

Mutant Hybrid Rats....and they are IN MY CAR!!

For some time I've been battling mice that are getting into my car somehow.......

......YES, MY CAR!  

 

Every morning, I wake up.....get in my car (which sets in my garage) and there is evidence that 'mice' have been throwing a party in my car at wee hours

of the night while I am in bed sleeping! 

(I don't think these little rascals suspect that I know all about these late

night parties.....BUT I DO!) 

For months, I've been setting mouse traps in my vehicle at night and I DO catch my share of these 'little partiers' in these traps! 

It's actually gotten to the point that I now leave mouse traps in my car 24/7 .....(.....I put them on the floor in the back and drive around all day with these 'live' traps in my car.) 

I actually live in fear as I'm driving down the road that one of the traps will 'SPRING'...as I'm driving down the road ....... or a mouse will run across my arm or

up my pant leg as I'm driving! 

Well, this morning..........as usual.....I look in my car and

YES..... I've caught a mouse!   But upon taking a closer look at the trap - the carcass has been torn apart and there are mouse 'GUTS AND FUR' all over in my car around the trap!  (The dead mouse has been tore to shreds

like some scene out of a horror movie!)

Do mice eat other mice? 

Well, I cannot answer that question.........so I 'GOOGLE IT'....and this is what I find:

Mice turn cannibalistic when they are stressed.

(This is not normal behavior for mice, though maternal cannibalism of

babies is much more common than other forms.) 

Cannibalism of dead adults occurs under conditions of

starvation and overcrowding.

Cannibalism under other conditions is considered to be unusual.

Mice have been observed turning cannibalistic to survive cold

winters, when dwindling supplies of food cannot support

the animals' population. For example, dead mice caught

in traps may become food to survivors. Under ordinary

conditions, mice prefer to eat sweet and carbohydrate-

rich foods rather than flesh.

Well, of course, I'M NOT EXCEPTING THIS ANSWER.......(...SURPRISSEEE....)

...........IN MY MIND there is some sort of MUTANT 'HYBRID' RAT ......

(......that has escaped from some secret biological lab in the area....).......

...........and wouldn't you know......

it's discovered MY MICE (and their late night parties in my car!)

(So now ............I have a situation!  I'm not only battling MICE - but now I have

a MUTANT HYBRID RAT loose in my car!)

OMG....I HAVE SOCK LINES!

I'm getting ready to go to Florida - so I've been tanning, right? 


Well, I went in for my tanning session this morning....... took my clothes off....climbed into the tanning bed, laid there and did my thing..(...aka..tanned my body...)  


Well, once the tanning bed shut off, I hopped out and started putting my clothes on..........and much to my surprise, I realized I had left my socks on! 


And YES, I now have 'Sock Lines!'   


(.....yes.....I have a lot on my mind lately...)
(And no....my body doesn't really look like that in real life....oh, the magic of cut and paste, people...cut and paste!)

Hmmmm...Oatmeal Bars! .....NOT!

So Hairyman and I went away for a few days and we stayed in a hotel........ 

Well, we’ve all stayed in hotels/motels and we know that most hotels leave tiny shampoos, shower gels, shower caps….etc….by the sink in the bathroom for our convenience…. (we’ve all encountered these samples, right?)

Well, yesterday morning Hairyman says ...............“Hey Hun…I’m taking these two ‘Oatmeal Bars’ that are by the sink and putting them in my suitcase, okay?”   

I reply: “Sounds good!” (Although I’m silently thinking - what the heck is he taking them for?  He never uses ‘hotel soap’ – he’s allergic to it ….he only uses Aveeno soap!)  But I don’t think anything more of it.

Then this morning as we’re packing our things, he tells me that he’s taking another ‘Oatmeal Bar’ and I watch him stick it in his bag. 

So hours later, we’re on our way home …driving down the highway ….and he tells me to hand him his bag.  I hand him his bag and he gets out one of those ‘Oatmeal Bars’  (that he’d previously taken from the hotel room)    ..........He proceeds to open it up…….and then it HITS ME…..  Hairyman thinks this ‘Oatmeal Bar’ - from the hotel bathroom - is an actual Granola Bar  ........and he thinks he’s gonna eat it! 

Well........once he gets it open - and discovers that it is an actual 'BAR OF SOAP'- we both look at each other...... I call him an IDIOT  (of course).......... and we both laugh hysterically the rest of the way home.  

(He did say that he did find it odd that the hotel had put ‘Granola Bars’ AKA: ‘Oatmeal Bars’ by the sink in the bathroom!)