I did go golfing last night with some friends (who will remain nameless)......... just kidding.........their names are Porscha, Cinnamon and Amy (I can't remember Amy's 'Bar Name' - so I'll stick with calling her by her real name for now.)
Key points of the night:
1.) First of all - I DON'T GOLF! I just ride around in the cart and drink cocktails and look pretty. My friends don't really mind me not golfing and stuff - they just take me along 'cause I'm FUN!' (....either that or they take me along so they'll have someone to laugh at and make fun of all night....I'm not sure....)
2.) Evidently, I didn't get the memo regarding 'GOLF ATTIRE' because everyone showed up in BLACK skorts/shorts, while I on the other hand wore WHITE shorts and I looked like the 'Out-of-Place-Aunt-from-Idaho all night long!' ....(..........Thanks, guys - by the way!....)....
3.) Who the Hell is in charge of the 'porta-johns' on the course, anyway.......(...hellllloooooo.............ONE FLIPPIN' TOILET per 9 holes just DOESN'T cut it, people!............seriously........) And would it be TOO much trouble to install a mirror on the porti-john wall so I can monitor my hottness every now and then?
4.) One always thinks they take enough alcohol with them..........well..........don't underestimate your drinking ability.....trust me........YOU RUN OUT!
5.) It's a good idea when riding in the cart to keep your mouth closed! Trust me! Not only did I have bugs flying in my mouth all night long.........but I'm pretty sure something flew up my nose and took up housekeeping there for the longest time........and I'm pretty certain that it laid eggs up there, too..............(...........I'm just sayin'...........).......
6.) IMPORTANT: When you agree to share a cart with your golf partner and she's the driver..........it is always important to make sure she actually a.) is not a 'Psycho Driver' who has a hidden passion to join Nascar or b.) has a secret agenda to KILL YOU.......I'm fairly certain that Jumping 'bunkers' and taking corners on 2 wheels is not appropriate golf cart etiquette! .....(....I remember telling Cinnamon repeatedly that I didn't want to die!)
7.) It gets freakin' HOT out there on the course sometimes.......wouldn't it be a good idea to install one of those misting fans at every tee? Imagine getting cooled off each hole by a fan blowing cool mist your way...............hellloooooo.........great idea or what?
8.) Apparently, I'm not 'in tune' with what one actually NEEDS on the golf course. While most golfers take golf clubs, tees, golf balls, ball markers, divot fixers, golf gloves, score cards........I - on the other hand - take lotion, lipstick and foundation, a mirror, my cellphone, IPod, hairspray, sunglasses, reading glasses, my jack-knife, suntan lotion, battery charger, fingernail polish and my flask of Vodka.
.......HEY - I Don't Golf, remember.............how the 'freak' do I know what one takes on the course with them?
I've decided I'm going to go out and buy myself a cute little golf outfit, a golf glove, and a 'girlie golf bag' .........................oh no - not for golf clubs and tees, mind you.............I don't actually GOLF, remember? I'm going to use my golf bag as a cooler, and a place to put all of my necessities .............for all that other stuff that I may need out there. (....hey......I don't like to get caught off guard without my mace.....) .....(....and I may throw a putter in there too......because sometimes they let me putt...)
"I'LL SHOW THEM, Damn-it!"
All the aunts in Idaho I see aren't wearing white skirts.
ReplyDeleteWhich is a good thing, because I'd feel sorry for the skirts. :)
Oh yes, cute pink golf bag! Love your way of thinking!
ReplyDeleteOh, I see how you are. You would rather be around your "real" friends instead of your cyber friends. Thats ok, I just need a minute. tear, tear.
ReplyDeleteI would probably just invest in those astronaut diapers while you are golfing. Porta Potties, ummm, stink. ok, there, I said it.