Hormones, Horse-Pellets, and Fruit Roll-ups!

Hairyman and I were talking one day and we decided that we both have gotten fat and lazy   ………it’s no secret or anything, trust me…….…. we were just sitting around talking about it and we decided to chalk it up to bad hormones….yeah, that’s right – you heard me – BAD HORMONES……………(….well it certainly couldn’t be because we eat unhealthy, we’re getting old, we  never exercise and we’ve simply let ourselves go…….Hell, NO………..I’m pretty sure it’s hormones!)  So we decided that we’re gonna go get some hormone therapy!  Good idea, right?  

So there we sit in the ‘hormone hospital’ getting ready to get our first hormone injections.  This is our second appointment and we’re waiting patiently to get injected with the miracle hormones that we both lack - that will turn us into Wonder Woman and Superman! 

We had decided to go in together to see the ‘hormone doctor’ and have the procedures done.  And of course, I go first because Hairyman is basically a chicken shit!  This procedure consists of needles, novocaine… (….or some other local anesthetic….), scalpels and some sort of Dr. Frankenstein sort of metal injection contraption…..(…this contraption being designed to inject hormone pellets into our bodies.......more specifically – our BUTT CHEEKS…..)  Sounds fun, right?

Well…… to make a rather long story short…..after spending a freakin’ ungodly amount of money, let’s just say they took out a huge-ass syringe that had a big-ass needle and injected a whole lot of novocaine in the right butt cheek of my ass…….they took out a scalpel and slit the side of my butt cheek open and then got out the Dr. Frankenstein contraption (as described above) which they filled with some sort of ‘Horse Pellets’ and injected them into the hole in the side of my ass……….

…………10 minutes later I have a bandage on my butt and I’m seated in the room with Hairyman now on the gurney readying for his turn …..next thing I know I’m lying on the floor of a doctor’s office with a half-eaten fruit roll-up in my hand (WTHell?) and spilled orange juice down the front of me……….(….evidently, I passed out, they carried me to one the doctor’s offices, laid me on the floor (because they were out of gurneys) and gave me a fruit roll-up and a glass of orange juice…)…….I took a few deep breaths, ate the rest of my fruit roll-up, tried to get the orange stains off the front of my blouse……limped my way to the front office…(…limping because I have no feeling in the right side of my butt, remember?....)……..I asked the nurse who the bitch was that gave me orange juice without any Vodka in it and told some guy in a beret that I’d be in the waiting room waiting for Hairyman to finish up with HIS procedure …………dragged my way to the waiting room - hair is dishevel, orange stains down the front of my white shirt, walking with a limp….basically dragging my right foot behind me as I go like a zombie straight out of 'The Walking Dead'.....I have mascara under my eyes…. Oh, and if that’s not all -  apparently I have a red 'kool-aid-like' mustache around my mouth from the fruit roll-up!  (...which I didn't discover until AFTER I had left the office and looked at myself in the rearview mirror of my car.....)    Oh, and some lady in the waiting room has the gall to ask (and I believe her exact words were): “What happened to you, ma’am?....whatever they did to you – I sure as heck hope they don’t do to me!"          

Ya Think?  ...(Are you FREAKIN' kidding me, Lady?)

 .....These 'Horse Pills' in my Ass better work.......I'm just sayin'.......

A REPOST: Beauty Sleep, Hybrid Panther Cats and I look like 'Monkey Butt' today...(...I'm just sayin'.....)..

In about 3 weeks I'm going up North to visit some close friends. We're getting together for a 'Girls Weekend' and I'm really excited because I haven't seen these people in quite awhile!   One of the last times that we got together was a lot of fun - BUT I did have some issues the next morning!  ........SOOOOOO, with me being both lazy and not in the mood to post lately..... (which is beside the point, really)......  I've decided to repost a post that I wrote a few years ago about the last time we got together...........ENJOY!

OK, girlfriends….it was great spending time with you guys, I’ll give you that!  But I seriously can’t believe that I looked at the clock last night and it was almost 2AM……guess it was a good thing I went to bed when I did.   NOTE: 5:30AM came way too early this morning!   …………(just thought I’d let you know - since you two bitches were still in bed when I left the house, because neither of YOU TWO had to work today......)     I did happen to hit snooze for about 40 minutes before I actually got out of bed this morning…………..… but that was after your stupid cat (who I still believe isn’t really a cat at all, but a ‘miniature hybrid panther’ judging from the size of the animal.............) …...decided to cough up hairballs for ½ hour outside my bedroom door at 4AM.  (.......it took me everything I had to not light the freakin' thing on fire.........I'm just sayin'..........) So after hitting the snooze button for 40 minutes, I finally jumped out of bed and realized I had about 5 minutes to get ready for work.  I tripped over your pet panther on my way to the bathroom (about putting my eye out and dislocating my knee.)  I did appreciate your hospitality of leaving the kitchen light on so I would be able to see while I was getting around this morning.  I made it to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, applied deodorant, threw on my clothes and headed out of the bathroom only to find someone had gotten up in the 3 1/2 minutes that it took me to get ready in the bathroom to shut ALL the freakin’ lights off in the house.  “WTF?” Are you kidding me?  Were you people just trying to “F*CK” with me?  Were you behind your bedroom doors covering your mouths to stifle your laughs while I tripped over the ‘pet panther cat’ and cussed while trying to find my way around your house with my arms outstretched in the pitch dark like a blind woman who had lost her cane?   Evidently no one in your house has ever heard of a little invention called a ‘NIGHT LIGHT’.    I did decide to use my cell phone screen as a make-shift flashlight, I  made it outside to my car, which you so graciously let me park in your garage, (......but you did forget to tell me where the freakin’ door opener was………thank you very much - friend.....) spent the next 5 minutes searching the walls of the garage for the garage door opener, which ended up being INSIDE your house door (who the freak puts the garage door button INSIDE the house)  Nobody…….heellloooooooo!     Once my car was out of your garage, picture me spending the next 7 minutes attempting to close the garage door by pushing the button and running to try to make it under the door before it closed….(.......yeah...close your eyes....see it in your mind, will you.......)........well, it didn’t work…......some idiot decided to put a little feature in THIS garage door that prevents it from closing when I run under it............GENIOUS, I TELL YOU............I pretty much thought I'd pass out from all that running back and forth......…at this point let the damn garage door come down and crush me...........I already have a bum eye and limp from falling over the pather, remember?  (Oh and my car thermometer registered a whopping 2 degrees outside this morning friends...good thing I was working up a sweat running back and forth under the damn garage door)   …….That's when I realized I didn’t put my car in park as I watched it begin to roll down your driveway.   OMG…….ARE YOU KIDDING ME!   Sorry, closing the garage door just didn’t seem too important to me right then……..”In fact – SCREW THE GARAGE DOOR………Now picture me running down the driveway toward my car........good thing I'm up to date with my 'Chuck Norris moves 'making it easier for me to slip inside and hit the brakes before my car backed down into the ditch.   (It's actually a miracle that I didn’t kill myself this morning, now that I think about it)  I have a headache right now and I about fell asleep on my way to work…….. I kept slapping myself across the face and hanging my arm out the window to keep me awake for the 1 ½ hour drive.  And for future reference – you should know that I require a minimum of 7 hours of beauty sleep to maintain my fabulous hot-ness on a daily basis!.......  So make a note!  (3 hours of sleep just doesn’t cut it anymore!)  I just looked in the mirror and I look like 'MONKEY ASS' today!  I have absolutely no makeup on, I forgot to comb my hair and I just noticed my shirt was on inside out!  And something stinks .............and I can't be sure, but it might be me!  (It's another miracle that they allow me to work here looking like this!)  Oh yeah…..and did I mention on my 1 1/2 hour drive to work this morning that I was about ready to stab a fork in the eyeball of the guy who decided to tailgate me for a 40 mile stretch of highway (with his ‘High Beams’ on………thank you very much, Jack-ass)  ….because apparently 60 miles an hour isn’t fast enough to drive at 6AM in the morning ………. pitch dark outside, trying to dodge deer and all the other objects that were in my vision due to my night blindness, and on top of that it was snowing SIDEWAYS outside, you moron!    Anyway.......Love you Kelly and Mary!  How was your freakin' morning? 

                                                                                       

Jenny's 'Coyote Ugly Butt-Less Chaps'....

If you know me at all, you know that I have this 'on-going fasination' ...(OBSESSIVE ANAL FASCINATION....)....with

my 'Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps!'

I've had several people ask me the following question:

"Aren't ALL chaps butt-less?"

My response is as follows:

"Why YES, ALL chaps are butt-less...........

but I SERIOUSLY REALLY LIKE saying 'Butt-less Chaps' so that's what I say!"  

And I've had several ladies approach me and want to know WHERE I got my "Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps".......well, I didn't BUY them.........I MADE THEM!  (....YES - I am THAT talented, people!)

Actually I stole the idea from Brooke Hogan.......

(photo of Brooke Hogan in her 'butt-less chaps' taken from the internett)

Altho I have a little more 'Class' than Brooke Hogan.............

and I'll admit that 'MY ASS' looks BETTER in them then Brooke Hogans....

......I'm just sayin'..........

..........sooooooooooooooo..............

You want my 'Secret Pattern?'

Well, here goes...........

.....take a regular pair of your jeans .......... 

.....now 'CUT THEM'  ....(See below).....

And the final product will be as follows....

Now put on a belt, add a sexy top and hitch up your cowboy boots and you'll be all set!

(AND don't forget to wear some sexy underwear.... for GOSH SAKE's.....not your 'old stained granny-pannies'.........)

NOTE: At first I was a little hesitant regarding letting

you in on my 'Secret Pattern'...but then I thought to myself........

who am I foolin' ???

There's NO WAY in H*LL that you girls will look as good in yours as I do in mine!!

......so ENJOY!

Bot Flies and Bungie Jumping........

Things that I’m thinking about today:

 

I’ve decided that the things that mattered most to me when I was younger aren’t as important to me now…….

 

I’ve decided that there are a lot worse things in life than being overweight…….like – being STUPID!   Or being a BITCH!

I know that life flies by and you shouldn’t waste one minute of it …..because you only get one crack at it and it’s up to you to make the best of it………..so I’ve decided to enjoy the simple things and be happy...........(........regardless of the fact that I have 'BOT FLIES' living in my body.....)  

 And lastly..............

Have you listened to the news lately?   

Well I’m pretty sure that I WON’T be going ‘Bungee Jumping’ any time soon……..helllllooooooo…… (….a perfect example WHY one shouldn’t Bungee Jump…..I’m just sayin’……….)     .....it might be just me, but plummeting into a raging alligater infested river in Africa just isn't my idea of FUN!

Go to: http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/01/tourist-survives-365-foot-plunge-when-bungee-cord-snaps/598995/1?csp=hf

Or see:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNmoqzMPOo0  (...and watch closely...)

 

(Acual picture of me 'bungie jumping'.........NOT!)

On a side note:  

 I can't be sure ....but I'm fairly certain that my 'Bot Fly' infestation (....you know - the bot flies that I have living in my back and my boobs....)  Well - they're slowly dying off..... and I have a theory!

....I'll keep you posted.....

Skin Rabies or Bot Flies...........

The other night (December 26, 2011) I woke up and I have a rash on my back and my chest…..(........not a pretty sight, let me TELL you.........)   I hunted for bed bugs and spiders but none could be found.  (I work for a pest control company, so I'm fairly confident that I DO know what I’m doing, yes!) 

So I’m 99 % sure I don’t have bed bugs and getting bit by a spider goes against everything that I’ve been taught through my job (..........meaning the chances of being bit by a spider are very rare in my neck of the woods.)

So what could my 'bites/ rash' BE you ask?

1.) In the middle of the night, someone could have took a 'straight pin' and poked me in the back and the boobs a few times…………(….altho, WHY anyone would do this – I’m not sure!)

2.) I used too much bleach while washing my bra out and I could be having a bad reaction to the excessive bleach in my bra!

3.) The little bites or holes in my skin are actually the wounds made from the pitch forks and ice picks of the dreaded garden gnomes that decided to attack me that night.

............or..............4.) Bot Flies

…………..I’m going with ‘Bot Flies’………yeah, I can't be sure........(......but I'm fairly certain........) that a few flies laid their eggs in my skin and now I have little 'bot fly larvae’s' growing in my back and on my boobs…...….I’m just sayin’……

(...actual photo of the bot flies in my skin......BUT they're not in my arm - they're in my back and boobs!)

..........I'll keep you posted on the little devils.........

(......the picture was actually taken from the internet, you fools!)

.........hiccup.........

I hope you take great comfort

(....hiccup.....) in knowing that the

VODKA that I drank using the

money set aside for your gift

helped me get over the guilt

of not getting you a gift this year!

Merry (....hiccup.....) Christmas!

Disclaimer:  I don't know who originally said this quote, but it was very fitting......so I decided to use it, as it pertains to me!

Imagine my surprise...........Garden Gnomes in MY yard!

I've been out of town for 3 weeks.  Imagine my surprise when I returned home to find my yard full of Garden Gnomes.   Yes ................. I'd like to thank the kind person who decided that it would be a hilarious idea to fill my yard with garden gnomes while I was away!

Just so you know ...... I WILL find you!  I don't know when and I don't know how - but I will find out who you are..............and I will hurt you!   .......(.....I'm just sayin'.........)..  

What is it with sticking FORKS in people's EYES these days?

Yeah, I know…….things just aren’t the way they used to be…(..like me posting at least one or two posts a week…)....like back in the ole’ days………. Well, cry me a river, people………I’ve been busy!  I actually had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago. …….a nervous breakdown...(.....if you’d like me to be more specific…)……there – feel better now?

………..NOT the kind of nervous breakdown that puts me in the hospital (looney bin) or the kind of meltdown that makes me want to do bodily harm to myself or other people and land me in a psycho ward or prison for attempted murder…….no – not that kind of nervous breakdown……(…altho, lately I’ve had this strong urge to stick forks in people's eyes..........especially - stupid people's eyes…...and skinny people's eyes....) …..but I read somewhere that it’s illegal to stick forks in people’s eyes – so I haven’t acted on that urge............YET!


There for a while, to be honest, I was just feeling a little overwhelmed with my life and everything that I have had going on these last couple of months.......I just needed a day or two (....or maybe a week or month...)....to throw myself a 'pity party' and be lazy and complain about how busy I am and call in sick to work and do nothing but lay around on the couch in my pajamas and eat cheeseburgers and complain about how fat I am and watch 'The New Adventure of Old Christine' reruns!   (Ever have one of those weeks - or months?) 

Well - I'm over it now!  So no worries!

 Conversation with my boss the other day at work: (……..Note: I have 2 bosses where I work…)


Boss: (…let’s call him Ed……. because that’s his name in real life…..) “Jenny, are you okay? You haven’t been yourself lately?”


ME:   I’m fine…..you would know it if something was wrong.  Like, you always know when I’m mad at you, don’t you?  In the 9 years that I’ve worked here, I’ve only been mad at you two or three times……and you can tell when something’s wrong and I’m mad at you right?………..like mad -  like I wanna stick a fork in your eyeball kindof mad, right? 


ME:   Actually Ed, you only pissing me off 2-3 times in about 9 years of working for you isn’t really bad at all.   Unlike Bill!  ........Now, Bill (....we’ll call my other boss, Bill…cause that’s HIS name in real life…..) Now, Bill – on the other hand – I pretty much want to stick forks in his eyes on a daily basis! ....(.........I'm just sayin'.......)

Random Thinking....

Things I’m thinking about today:


I seriously wish I could quit my job so that I could spend more time on ‘Pinterest’!

You say ‘LOL’……..while I say ‘ILSHTIPMPASMV’ .............(‘I laughed so hard that I peed my pants and spilled my Vodka!’)

I never leave the shower curtain closed in my bathroom for fear that a maniacal killer will be hiding behind it!         (.........hellloooo.....it could happen......don't you watch TV, people?.........)


Wouldn’t it be awesome if I could get paid to read books!    In fact I think I just found my new 'DREAM JOB!'


Am I the only one who has a crush on the Prince in Disney’s ‘Little Mermaid’?   (I often dream that I’m Arial……just so I can ‘do the dirty' with the ‘dreamy’ Prince Eric!)  (.........and yes...........I DO realize that he's a cartoon.....I'm not an idiot, people!)


I’ve decided that I’m not really FAT ………….I can't be sure - but I'm fairly certain that I must be one of those woman you hear about or you see on television who don’t know their pregnant .........so one of these days I'm pretty sure I’m gonna be sitting on the toilet and out will pop a baby!  (.......and yes.........I've got my overnight bag packed and have been going back and forth with baby names............)    (........yeah - like that's the least of my worries if INDEED I am actually pregnant!)

                    Later.....       
                                           

Are you Ready?

Sorry that I haven't been around in awhile .......I've been very busy........like.....preparing for the

'Zombie Gnome Apocalypse'!

It's coming people.....I tell you......And My God we have to be READY!

(picture courtesy of the internet)