Saturday, August 27, 2016

Hmmmm...Oatmeal Bars! .....NOT!


So Hairyman and I went away for a few days and we stayed in a hotel........ 

Well, we’ve all stayed in hotels/motels and we know that most hotels leave tiny shampoos, shower gels, shower caps….etc….by the sink in the bathroom for our convenience…. (we’ve all encountered these samples, right?)

Well, yesterday morning Hairyman says ...............“Hey Hun…I’m taking these two ‘Oatmeal Bars’ that are by the sink and putting them in my suitcase, okay?”   
I reply: “Sounds good!” (Although I’m silently thinking - what the heck is he taking them for?  He never uses ‘hotel soap’ – he’s allergic to it ….he only uses Aveeno soap!)  But I don’t think anything more of it.

Then this morning as we’re packing our things, he tells me that he’s taking another ‘Oatmeal Bar’ and I watch him stick it in his bag. 

So hours later, we’re on our way home …driving down the highway ….and he tells me to hand him his bag.  I hand him his bag and he gets out one of those ‘Oatmeal Bars’  (that he’d previously taken from the hotel room)    ..........He proceeds to open it up…….and then it HITS ME…..  Hairyman thinks this ‘Oatmeal Bar’ - from the hotel bathroom - is an actual Granola Bar  ........and he thinks he’s gonna eat it! 
Well........once he gets it open - and discovers that it is an actual 'BAR OF SOAP'- we both look at each other...... I call him an IDIOT  (of course).......... and we both laugh hysterically the rest of the way home.  
(He did say that he did find it odd that the hotel had put ‘Granola Bars’ AKA: ‘Oatmeal Bars’ by the sink in the bathroom!)

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I Smell Poop!

So I take my dog, Max, out to do his business yesterday......we're walking around the yard and he finally squats to take a huge 'dump.'  After he's done, I pick him up and carry him inside the house......and all is well.  (....or so I thought!)


About 10 minutes later, I decide to run into town and do some running around.  I grab my purse and car keys, get into my car ..... (....hum....I smell 'Dog Poop!')   I check my shoes and find nothing and chalk it up to my imagination.... (....who knows...maybe I passed gas and didn't know it, right?)


So my first stop is the post office.  I enter the post office, stand in line for about 5-10 minutes.....(....not paying too much attention to a couple of people who keep looking at me weird...)  I buy my stamps and I'm on my way.... 


My 2nd Stop is TSC (Tractor Supply Company) ....I get my chicken food, carry it to the check out line and there it is again...(I smell 'Poop!')  I know I didn't pass gas this time...so that's not it.......that's weird!  Well.....I'm in a 'Farm Store', right......so maybe it's normal to smell poop in a farm store!


My 3rd and last stop is Wal-Mart.  I spend about 1 - 1 1/2 hours going through the aisles and picking out my groceries and toiletries.  (A few people look at me and give me 'The Look', but I don't think too much of it!  Hey, I'm in Wal-Mart, remember......)  I pay for my groceries and head to my car in the parking lot. 


While I'm packing my groceries into the car......I happen to look at my reflection in the window of my car!  There's something BLACK on my shirt!!   "OMGosh....you've got to be freakin' kidding me!!"


I look down at my shirt....and YES.....you guessed it.............. 


I have DOG SHIT all down the front of my shirt.........


....So I'm thinking that earlier that day - when I picked up Max - after he had taken a DUMP outside.......he must have rubbed his NASTY ASS all down the front of me.... (.....like pretty much  - just basically - using my shirt as a piece of  'Toilet Paper' for his butt ......)


.....and I've been walking around town for hours with DOG POOP on my shirt.....


(Well, that explains the DOG SHIT smell that I've been smelling all day!)

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Maxi-Pads in the Fire-Pit!

I have a little Yorkshire Terrier, Max.  He wears diapers!  I'd like to say he wears diapers because he's getting old (he is 14 years old) and doesn't know any better.  But that's probably not the case!  The truth is that he wears diapers because Hairyman and I are terrible dog owners!  Max is not only spoiled rotten and undisciplined, but he pretty much does what he wants and never gets in trouble!  

So Max has to wear a diaper - because he walks around 'cocking his leg' everywhere! ......And it just seemed easier to put a diaper on him 24-7 rather than take him outside 'to do his thing!'
.....(or maybe I'm just too lazy to teach him any differently.....yeah, that's probably it!) 

So ........he has these cloth diapers that he wears.   They wrap around his middle ..... they hold his 'package' inside .... and they Velcro together around his middle. Inside the cloth diaper, I put a 'Poise Pad' (an adult incontenence pad) to hold the urine and I just change the 'pads' periodically
thru-out the day. 

So we go camping, right? And of course we take our dog, Max, with us.  Well, at home I have a 'Diaper Genie' that I put his used 'pads' in...(a 'Diaper Genie' is used to hold dirty diapers for babies, in case you don't know!)  Well I use one of these at home for Max's pads, but I don't have one at our camper. 

So I don't want to put his
stinky urine soaked pads in the garbage
in our camper, right? .....(because then our camper
smells like dog piss...)
So I start throwing them in the campfire
outside our camper.....(keep in mind that there isn't
always a fire going in the fire-pit) ..and I just throw
them in there as is......not wrapped up or anything.......just plain old
'used-urine-soakedMaxi/Incontinence Pads' laying in the fire-pit......
like 3 of them...4 of them...5 of them... piling up there in the campfire! (....with NO fire going, keep in mind!)
.
.
.
So Hairyman asked me one day:

"Hun...you know we COOK our food
over that campfire right?
You do know that people
walk past our fire-pit
daily, right? ..... 
And what do you think they
think when they look in our fire-pit and see
all these used Maxi pads just laying there?"

O. M. G.
So basically, all my camper
neighbors think I've been throwing 'MY' urine soaked Maxi-pads in the fire all week!


...and I WONDERED WHY they never want
 join us for cook-outs!

NICE!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

You're Sucking Me Dry, Princess!

           So Hairyman has been 'ON ME' to find a Job! 
(and I don't mean  'ON ME' ....like.....sexually....like missionary style....
......doing the 'bed sheet dirty dance' and all...)
I MEAN like 'ON ME' like.... 'Riding my Ass'.....Nagging Me....
.........telling me that I need to start helping out financially around here! 
 
 I believe his exact words were ......(...and I quote....)
 "WE ARE POOR!' "YOU ARE SUCKING ME DRY!"
and 
"YOU NEED TO GET A JOB, PRINCESS!"
 
Really??  Doesn't he know WE ARE NOT POOR!
.....and I'm WAY TOO PRETTY to work?  
Doesn't he know that I quit my job? 
Doesn't he understand that I didn't quit my job to 'FIND ANOTHER JOB!' 
.........helllooooooo...... 
 
Doesn't he know that I'm a Trophy Wife.......and.....
 'TROPHY WIVES' DON'T WORK! 
 
(Evidently, he doesn't have a clue!)....Damn him, Hairyman!!
 
You woulda thought after 2 years of not working, I'd have
come up with a plan by now to make some extra money without having to find
an actual job!  .........well, yeah....you would've thought that!
 
But it's not really like I haven't been thinking of things that I want to do with my life....
...like.........I'd love to be a STRIPPER...
because I love to dance....and I like being naked.....
but I can't be a stripper...because I'm FAT and I'm OLD and I'd get way
too tired staying up THAT LATE at night! .....
.....(.....and I really don't need another reason to embarrass my children!)
(....but mostly because I'm FAT and nobody wants to ACTUALLY SEE ME NAKED....
and nobody is going to pay money to see me flopping around on a pole shaking
my 'MUFFIN TOP' and DOUBLE CHIN!')
 
....and I want to be a COP...
but I'm pretty sure I can't be a Cop...
....because I've got a record...
...and I can't RUN...(... I'm pretty sure I'd never catch anyone in a Police Chase!) 
......but mostly because I don't like GUNS! 
(...and I'm pretty sure Cops HAVE to carry Guns....and shoot people....and I'm not sure I'd enjoy shooting people.......except for stupid people.....now stupid people I could shoot.....or ugly people.....I'm pretty sure I could shoot ugly people, too!)
 
Oh....(back to the point)......  I'm scared of Felons and Criminals! 
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd never make it as a Cop!
 
So yeah, basically I've spent the last 2 years of my life
being PRETTY, having FUN and being a 'TROPHY WIFE' 
(.... while I'm not thinking of being a Stripper or a Cop, that is...) 
 
  Yeah....I've been way to busy to be worrying myself about 
Hairyman and mines financial situation. 
 
I have a feeling that's gonna change!
(........bribing him with 'Sexual Favors' just isn't cuttin' it anymore!)

 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

I don't think my Chickens are Chickens at all!

 


Well, I'm pretty sure my 'Salmonella of the Eye' is gone....(see THIS POST!)  (I just won't be taking any 'SELFIES' with my Chickens anytime soon!)

And I've been trying to learn how to raise my Chickens....... (...since I still don't know ANYTHING about raising Chickens....) ....but hey.... at least I haven't killed any of them yet............ well......that's not entirely true...... one of them DID die..... but it wasn't my fault!  I woke up one morning to find one of my baby chicks had jumped into the feeder dish and she couldn't get out..... so she basically froze to death ......and I don't wanna talk about it!

And another thing....... these Chickens are getting huge! I've only had them about 3 weeks and quite frankly - the rate in which these Chickens are growing is starting to FREAK ME OUT! ..........Now I realize that I know absolutely nothing about the rate of growth in which Chickens grow in the Chicken world.........but I've become convinced that the guy at TSC didn't sell me NORMAL CHICKENS AT ALL!   Oh........ I think they started out as Normal Chicks ......don't get me wrong.. .....but something (...and I don't know exactly when it happened..)....but something must have went wrong....(..like David Banner/Incredible Hulk/Gamma Ray wrong).... THEY ARE MUTATING........... these Chickens are growing at an 'Alarming Rate' and I'm telling you...... IT WORRIES ME! 

They started out as these 'Tiny-Adorable-Looking-Yellow-Cuddly-Furry-Chicklets'.....(the kind you just want to hold and cuddle).... And they're MUTATING into these 'Freaky-Vulture-looking-Mutant-Birds' that can't possibly be Chickens.  They look weird....they don't even LOOK like Chickens! They're a brownish, cream-ish color, now!  Their necks are really thin ...and oddly long ...and they have little 'Devil-Vulture Heads' - with no hair on them!  And I know they WATCH ME....with their little beady eyes...and they talk about me behind my back, I know it...and they're plotting something....because they HATE ME!

Friday, April 3, 2015

Looking for Garage Sales

This morning I got up and checked my computer (the on-line Garage Sale site) to see if there were any Garage Sales in Greenville this morning.  (I've used this site in the past to help me find Garage Sales in my area.)  I live in Greenville, Michigan... for those of you who don't know.  Awesome...There are!  So I figured I would spend an hour or two hitting some Garage Sales. 

So I'm driving around town this morning....looking for sales....and not seeing any!  (What gives?)  So I figure I'll look up that on-line site again.... (the one I found this very morning that indicated that yes - there were indeed some garage sales in Greenville this morning!)  I find the site on my smart-phone and according to the site, there are Garage Sales all around town.  Hmmmm.......What the Heck?

Then I see it!  ..........I'm looking at a Garage Sale site of 'Greenville, South Carolina'...........not 'Greenville, Michigan!'
 
True Story!

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Little Frickin' Chickens

Okay....the new thing in my life (....well, one of the new things....) is Chickens!  Yep - I got Chickens!  They're about 16 days old.  It was a spur of the moment thing........well, almost........I had wanted Chickens last year, but Hairyman said ......(and I believe his exact words were...) .... You don't have any CLUE about raising Chickens!" ..."You'll end up killing them!"......"We're NOT getting Chickens!"....."You CAN'T HANDLE Chickens!"....."(he treats me like a child, by the way.....)

So anyway.....we're in TSC about two weeks ago.......we 'spur of the moment' stopped in to buy two things: 1. gloves and 2.) moisture absorbent canisters!  Well.........45 minutes later......no gloves.......no moisture absorbent canisters............but Chickens! 

Hairyman said he'd buy me Chickens, but said ......(and I believe his exact words were....)  "These are YOUR CHICKENS!"...."I'm not going to have anything to do with them!"  ......."I'm not feeding them, I'm not making any Chicken coups, I'm not gathering eggs ...I'm not doing anything that has to do with these Chickens.....They're gonna be YOUR CHICKENS!"  He's telling me this as we're carrying out 6 chickens, a mini-chicken coup, chicken feed, bedding, a feeder and water thing, and a heat lamp. (So much for the gloves and moisture canisters - HA!)

I was going to post a 'selfie' with one my chickens.....but that didn't pan out so well......
This morning I picked up a Chicken ..........now picture this........here I am.....holding it in one hand....(the Chicken).....up to my face....camera in one hand - Chicken in the other.......keep in mind that the Chicken is peeping out of control...(because it's become very evident in the last 2 weeks that my chickens don't LIKE ME....) .......I'm trying to maneuver the camera .....to get a good picture of me and my chicken.....(Let me point out that I'm NOT wearing my glasses!)
.....and the little frikin' chicken turns his head and PECKS ME IN THE EYEBALL! 
I jump....drop the Chicken ....grab my eye......the Chicken takes off...I'm now chasing the Chicken around my yard..........shouting obscenities.......... with one hand over my
eye (I'm basically blind....cause I can't see anything anyway.....even on a good day)
............LITTLE FRIKIN' CHICKEN, ANYWAY!
Important Notes:
1.) I did catch the Chicken
2.) I'm pretty sure I have 'Salmonella of the Eyeball' now ..... and
3.) I've pretty much had ENOUGH of my Chickens for today!

LITTLE FRIKIN' CHICKENS!!



Sunday, March 29, 2015

25 Things About Me!

For those of you new to my blog, I thought maybe I'd fill you in on a little about ME! (Especially since this Blog is 'ALL ABOUT ME!') I've posted similar lists in the past 2-5 years on this blog (I think the last one I wrote was in 2012) .....and those who know me, will notice that it has changed a bit over the years! 
So here are 25 things ABOUT ME that you may or may not know:

1.) I like to be the center of attention (....this will never change)
2.) I have 3 small Tattoos (....don't ask me where they are...if I want you to see them, I'll have put them in places you can see)
3.) I 'pee my pants' all of the time.....YES - ALL OF THE TIME
4.) I own 'Butt-less Chaps' ....I made them myself out of a pair of jeans....AND I DO still wear them periodically .....and I look fabulous in them.... (...altho I haven't broke them out in awhile...)
5.) I absolutely HATE Garden Gnomes
6.) I have a phobia of being mauled by a bear
7.) I keep Peanut Butter in the glove compartment of my car and plastic spoons/forks in
the console
8.) I LOVE to talk about myself (....and you will find I will be 'a lot' more interested in the conversation we are having - if we gear it around me)
9.) I no longer work out of the home......I'm a Trophy-Wife (altho my 'Trophy-Wife' status may be changing in the near future according to Hairyman)
10.) I call my husband 'Hairyman' (...for obvious reasons)
11.) 2 years ago I left my job after having worked there 11 years (...it was both the BEST decision I ever made and it was one of the WORST decisions I've ever made...)
12.) I have a serious crush on Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson
13.) I am obsessed with the Zombie Apocalypse and I'm secretly planning for it
14.)  I LOVE Cheeseburgers ...(...call me crazy but I'd take a cheeseburger over steak or lobster any day....)
15.)  In MY MIND......I have 'Cat-like Reflexes' and 'Chuck Norris Ninja Skills'
16.) I drink a lot of VODKA....(but I'm not an alcoholic)
17.) I'm a Closet Eater and I have been for over 30 years
18.) My mother thinks I'm an alcoholic
19.) I shave the hair on my arms
20.)  My mom reads this blog ....... (Mom, I'm not an alcoholic!)
21.)  I seriously have an over-active imagination and am constantly thinking of 'What If Scenarios' on a daily basis
22.) I'm paranoid when it comes to Parasites living in my body
23.) I carry a jackknife and matches in my purse at all times just in case I get stranded or lost in the woods for days......(...because in my mind, a jackknife and matches are the two things that are going to enable me to survive in the wilderness for days on end)
24.) My most favorite thing to do is to laugh or make other people laugh
25.) I tend to embellish my stories a bit......BUT EVERYTHING that I write in this blog IS TRUE (......do you really think I could make this SH*T  up!)                              

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Weight Watchers vs. Banana Bread

Yesterday I was going to start
Weight Watchers......
...Today I ate an ENTIRE loaf of
Banana Bread
.........that's all I have to say
about that!

Monday, January 20, 2014

I Hate Porti-Johns!!

I have another "porti-potty story" for you guys.  (Cause’ you know I always have a good porti-potty story to tell you.) 

THIS STORY IS ABOUT PERIODS AND TAMPONS......YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!  (if you embarrass easily or don't want to hear about my period problems...you best not continue!)

Last year at the Christmas tree lot you’ll remember how I was in the porti-john squatting and peeing on a windy day and forgot to lock the porti-john and the door flew open on me – baring my all to the world...............

Well this year while at the tree lot we rented a porti-potty that had an OPEN FLOOR........ (the floor was grated and you could see the ground and grass under the grates)……evidently this helps air the thing out and prevents the floor from ever getting wet, right?  ..............Well, I happened to be on my period this particular day so I grabbed my tampon and headed into the porti-john.  (Keep in mind this is a regular size potty and there’s not much room.)  I also should tell you that this was my LAST TAMPON and I was bleeding from my crotch like a ‘stab wound to the abdomen’ victim.   So I’ve got my pants around my ankles, I squat to pee (yes, squatting…because there’s no way my butt is gonna make contact with the porti-potty toilet seat) ….I remove the used tampon and while in the process of removing the new tampon from out of its handy little convenient wrapper...... I FUMBLE.....and my new tampon falls out of the wrapper onto the floor of the porti-potty! (I’ll remind you that this particular porti-potty has NO FLOOR…..it has grates, remember?!)  So my tampon (the only one I have at the moment to get me thru the next few hours) has fallen thru the grates of the floor of the porti-john …………BUT….I’m in luck because I can SEE my tampon thru the floor (under the grates of the porti-potty!)  So I grab a huge gob of toilet paper (probably about 78 squares) and stuff it to my crotch…..pull up my underwear with the handful of tissue between my legs....and get down on my knees of the porti-john (kneeling on my shorts - on the bottom of the porti-potty grates) in hope of retrieving my ONLY tampon.   I’m in luck because my tampon has fallen on the side of the porti-potty that has grass so it’s propped up on a few blades and I'm fairly sure I can reach it……..I have to put my fingers thru the grates …..Close your eyes and picture this in your mind if you will:  Me .......on the floor of a disgusting, dirty 'porti-potty'……...in my underwear…..tissue jammed between my legs......kneeling on my shorts………my butt up in the air……..fingering the floor grates.........  "You get the picture??" 

BUT………. I AM able to retrieve the magic tampon from the bottom the the porti-john!  (Yes - There is a God!)  So needless to say I get back up off the floor…..blow the dirt and grass off my priceless tampon and "We're back in business, people!"