Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Freakin' Flies, Anyway!


So this last summer, for some reason - in my camper……… there were tons of flies….EVERYWHERE! 

So I go to the store and I buy these ‘Fly Strips’…….(….the kind you unravel and hang from the ceiling and they’re really long and they’re really sticky and the flies are supposed to land on the sticky paper and die a slow boring - probably uncomfortable agonizing death!) 

And while we’re away from the camper, I figure I’ll just hang these sticky things all over ......hoping that when I return, these sticky strips will have done away with all the pesky flies in my camper, right?

Well…..things don’t always turn out the way that I envision them in my head!


So after a week away, I get to my camper and I’m ready for a weekend of relaxation – Fly Free!  I take down all of the hanging fly strips that I can find and dispose of them.  (There are still freakin’ flies all over my camper….. but that’s beside the point!) 

So I get up that night to use the toilet….(…keep in mind that it’s fairly dark in the bathroom of the camper!)  I sit down and ‘do my thing’….and when I stand up from using the toilet, I feel something against my head!  I cock my head to one side and feel something now ‘stuck to the side of my head’ …..which sends me into a ballistic fit of terror!  I reach up and my hand comes in contact with the sticky-ness of the YES you guessed it!  (I had somehow missed a sticky fly paper hanging above the toilet!)   

  So picture me………… I’m dancing around – in the pitch darkness of the camper bathroom .......... arms flailing wildly in rogue horror….with a FLY COVERED sticky paper trap not only entangled in my hair at this point – but now stuck to my fingers and I’m bumping around like a pinball machine against the cabinet doors and the walls of the bathroom going berserk……losing my balance as I trip over the toilet………. it’s a miracle I didn’t go crashing thru the glass shower door and get impaled by a shard of glass to the neck!

I manage to make it to the light switch….turn on the light…….and my hair is in a dishevel – the fly strip is stuck in my hair in a tangled mess……… freakin’ dead flies all over the place.....in my hair.......on the floor........stuck to my fingers.........on the side of my face......! 

In all the excitement, my dog, Max, awakens and comes prancing into the bathroom………and "Are you ‘Freaking Kidding Me?"      There's another ‘Sticky Fly Strip’ dragging behind him….full of dead flies……(..... that he has somehow gotten into in the night...)..... and it’s now stuck to the side of his head and down the side of his body! 
...........Is there no end to this STICKY FLY TRAP HORROR?

Monday, January 23, 2017

'Flying Cheese'



Okay........so remember my MOUSE PROBLEM (AKA: mutant hybrid rat problem.....)... in my car?   And remember how I've got multiple 'Live Mouse Traps' set on the floor of my back seat ........ behind the drivers seat and passenger seats?

Well, the other day....
(..... after spending a few hours with my daughter in Grand Rapids....)
- I was getting in my car to head home and decided to take my coat off for the drive, right?   So I take my coat off and reach to put my coat in the back seat .......
........well............ I'm turned around ........
(..... picture my face between the two front seats facing the back...)
...... my coat falls from the seat onto the floor hitting not ONE - but TWO of the set mouse traps ....(setting both traps OFF, of course.....)   - which sends cheese flying thru the air ....(...like little mini cheese torpedoes.....)
.....   and before I can get my face out of the way of this flying cheese -  one of the 'Cheese Pieces' HITS ME IN THE EYE!

So now I have 'Cheese Eye'.....

(....I'm pretty sure it's kinda like 'Pink Eye' .........but brought about by flying Cheddar!)

Trophy Wife......


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Mutant Hybrid Rats....and they are IN MY CAR!!

For some time I've been battling mice that are getting into my car somehow.......
......YES, MY CAR!  
 
Every morning, I wake up.....get in my car (which sets in my garage) and there is evidence that 'mice' have been throwing a party in my car at wee hours
of the night while I am in bed sleeping! 
(I don't think these little rascals suspect that I know all about these late
night parties.....BUT I DO!) 

For months, I've been setting mouse traps in my vehicle at night and I DO catch my share of these 'little partiers' in these traps! 

It's actually gotten to the point that I now leave mouse traps in my car 24/7 .....(.....I put them on the floor in the back and drive around all day with these 'live' traps in my car.) 

I actually live in fear as I'm driving down the road that one of the traps will 'SPRING'...as I'm driving down the road ....... or a mouse will run across my arm or
up my pant leg as I'm driving! 


Well, this morning..........as usual.....I look in my car and
YES..... I've caught a mouse!   But upon taking a closer look at the trap - the carcass has been torn apart and there are mouse 'GUTS AND FUR' all over in my car around the trap!  (The dead mouse has been tore to shreds
like some scene out of a horror movie!)

Do mice eat other mice? 
Well, I cannot answer that question.........so I 'GOOGLE IT'....and this is what I find:

Mice turn cannibalistic when they are stressed.
(This is not normal behavior for mice, though maternal cannibalism of
babies is much more common than other forms.) 
Cannibalism of dead adults occurs under conditions of
starvation and overcrowding.
Cannibalism under other conditions is considered to be unusual.
Mice have been observed turning cannibalistic to survive cold
winters, when dwindling supplies of food cannot support
the animals' population. For example, dead mice caught
in traps may become food to survivors. Under ordinary
conditions, mice prefer to eat sweet and carbohydrate-
rich foods rather than flesh.


Well, of course, I'M NOT EXCEPTING THIS ANSWER.......(...SURPRISSEEE....)

...........IN MY MIND there is some sort of MUTANT 'HYBRID' RAT ......
(......that has escaped from some secret biological lab in the area....).......
...........and wouldn't you know......
it's discovered MY MICE (and their late night parties in my car!)

(So now ............I have a situation!  I'm not only battling MICE - but now I have
a MUTANT HYBRID RAT loose in my car!)

Saturday, November 12, 2016

OMG....I HAVE SOCK LINES!

I'm getting ready to go to Florida - so I've been tanning, right? 


Well, I went in for my tanning session this morning....... took my clothes off....climbed into the tanning bed, laid there and did my thing..(...aka..tanned my body...)  


Well, once the tanning bed shut off, I hopped out and started putting my clothes on..........and much to my surprise, I realized I had left my socks on! 


And YES, I now have 'Sock Lines!'   


(.....yes.....I have a lot on my mind lately...)
(And no....my body doesn't really look like that in real life....oh, the magic of cut and paste, people...cut and paste!)

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Hmmmm...Oatmeal Bars! .....NOT!


So Hairyman and I went away for a few days and we stayed in a hotel........ 

Well, we’ve all stayed in hotels/motels and we know that most hotels leave tiny shampoos, shower gels, shower caps….etc….by the sink in the bathroom for our convenience…. (we’ve all encountered these samples, right?)

Well, yesterday morning Hairyman says ...............“Hey Hun…I’m taking these two ‘Oatmeal Bars’ that are by the sink and putting them in my suitcase, okay?”   
I reply: “Sounds good!” (Although I’m silently thinking - what the heck is he taking them for?  He never uses ‘hotel soap’ – he’s allergic to it ….he only uses Aveeno soap!)  But I don’t think anything more of it.

Then this morning as we’re packing our things, he tells me that he’s taking another ‘Oatmeal Bar’ and I watch him stick it in his bag. 

So hours later, we’re on our way home …driving down the highway ….and he tells me to hand him his bag.  I hand him his bag and he gets out one of those ‘Oatmeal Bars’  (that he’d previously taken from the hotel room)    ..........He proceeds to open it up…….and then it HITS ME…..  Hairyman thinks this ‘Oatmeal Bar’ - from the hotel bathroom - is an actual Granola Bar  ........and he thinks he’s gonna eat it! 
Well........once he gets it open - and discovers that it is an actual 'BAR OF SOAP'- we both look at each other...... I call him an IDIOT  (of course).......... and we both laugh hysterically the rest of the way home.  
(He did say that he did find it odd that the hotel had put ‘Granola Bars’ AKA: ‘Oatmeal Bars’ by the sink in the bathroom!)

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I Smell Poop!

So I take my dog, Max, out to do his business yesterday......we're walking around the yard and he finally squats to take a huge 'dump.'  After he's done, I pick him up and carry him inside the house......and all is well.  (....or so I thought!)


About 10 minutes later, I decide to run into town and do some running around.  I grab my purse and car keys, get into my car ..... (....hum....I smell 'Dog Poop!')   I check my shoes and find nothing and chalk it up to my imagination.... (....who knows...maybe I passed gas and didn't know it, right?)


So my first stop is the post office.  I enter the post office, stand in line for about 5-10 minutes.....(....not paying too much attention to a couple of people who keep looking at me weird...)  I buy my stamps and I'm on my way.... 


My 2nd Stop is TSC (Tractor Supply Company) ....I get my chicken food, carry it to the check out line and there it is again...(I smell 'Poop!')  I know I didn't pass gas this time...so that's not it.......that's weird!  Well.....I'm in a 'Farm Store', right......so maybe it's normal to smell poop in a farm store!


My 3rd and last stop is Wal-Mart.  I spend about 1 - 1 1/2 hours going through the aisles and picking out my groceries and toiletries.  (A few people look at me and give me 'The Look', but I don't think too much of it!  Hey, I'm in Wal-Mart, remember......)  I pay for my groceries and head to my car in the parking lot. 


While I'm packing my groceries into the car......I happen to look at my reflection in the window of my car!  There's something BLACK on my shirt!!   "OMGosh....you've got to be freakin' kidding me!!"


I look down at my shirt....and YES.....you guessed it.............. 


I have DOG SHIT all down the front of my shirt.........


....So I'm thinking that earlier that day - when I picked up Max - after he had taken a DUMP outside.......he must have rubbed his NASTY ASS all down the front of me.... (.....like pretty much  - just basically - using my shirt as a piece of  'Toilet Paper' for his butt ......)


.....and I've been walking around town for hours with DOG POOP on my shirt.....


(Well, that explains the DOG SHIT smell that I've been smelling all day!)

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Maxi-Pads in the Fire-Pit!

I have a little Yorkshire Terrier, Max.  He wears diapers!  I'd like to say he wears diapers because he's getting old (he is 14 years old) and doesn't know any better.  But that's probably not the case!  The truth is that he wears diapers because Hairyman and I are terrible dog owners!  Max is not only spoiled rotten and undisciplined, but he pretty much does what he wants and never gets in trouble!  

So Max has to wear a diaper - because he walks around 'cocking his leg' everywhere! ......And it just seemed easier to put a diaper on him 24-7 rather than take him outside 'to do his thing!'
.....(or maybe I'm just too lazy to teach him any differently.....yeah, that's probably it!) 

So ........he has these cloth diapers that he wears.   They wrap around his middle ..... they hold his 'package' inside .... and they Velcro together around his middle. Inside the cloth diaper, I put a 'Poise Pad' (an adult incontenence pad) to hold the urine and I just change the 'pads' periodically
thru-out the day. 

So we go camping, right? And of course we take our dog, Max, with us.  Well, at home I have a 'Diaper Genie' that I put his used 'pads' in...(a 'Diaper Genie' is used to hold dirty diapers for babies, in case you don't know!)  Well I use one of these at home for Max's pads, but I don't have one at our camper. 

So I don't want to put his
stinky urine soaked pads in the garbage
in our camper, right? .....(because then our camper
smells like dog piss...)
So I start throwing them in the campfire
outside our camper.....(keep in mind that there isn't
always a fire going in the fire-pit) ..and I just throw
them in there as is......not wrapped up or anything.......just plain old
'used-urine-soakedMaxi/Incontinence Pads' laying in the fire-pit......
like 3 of them...4 of them...5 of them... piling up there in the campfire! (....with NO fire going, keep in mind!)
.
.
.
So Hairyman asked me one day:

"Hun...you know we COOK our food
over that campfire right?
You do know that people
walk past our fire-pit
daily, right? ..... 
And what do you think they
think when they look in our fire-pit and see
all these used Maxi pads just laying there?"

O. M. G.
So basically, all my camper
neighbors think I've been throwing 'MY' urine soaked Maxi-pads in the fire all week!


...and I WONDERED WHY they never want
 join us for cook-outs!

NICE!

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

You're Sucking Me Dry, Princess!

           So Hairyman has been 'ON ME' to find a Job! 
(and I don't mean  'ON ME' ....like.....sexually....like missionary style....
......doing the 'bed sheet dirty dance' and all...)
I MEAN like 'ON ME' like.... 'Riding my Ass'.....Nagging Me....
.........telling me that I need to start helping out financially around here! 
 
 I believe his exact words were ......(...and I quote....)
 "WE ARE POOR!' "YOU ARE SUCKING ME DRY!"
and 
"YOU NEED TO GET A JOB, PRINCESS!"
 
Really??  Doesn't he know WE ARE NOT POOR!
.....and I'm WAY TOO PRETTY to work?  
Doesn't he know that I quit my job? 
Doesn't he understand that I didn't quit my job to 'FIND ANOTHER JOB!' 
.........helllooooooo...... 
 
Doesn't he know that I'm a Trophy Wife.......and.....
 'TROPHY WIVES' DON'T WORK! 
 
(Evidently, he doesn't have a clue!)....Damn him, Hairyman!!
 
You woulda thought after 2 years of not working, I'd have
come up with a plan by now to make some extra money without having to find
an actual job!  .........well, yeah....you would've thought that!
 
But it's not really like I haven't been thinking of things that I want to do with my life....
...like.........I'd love to be a STRIPPER...
because I love to dance....and I like being naked.....
but I can't be a stripper...because I'm FAT and I'm OLD and I'd get way
too tired staying up THAT LATE at night! .....
.....(.....and I really don't need another reason to embarrass my children!)
(....but mostly because I'm FAT and nobody wants to ACTUALLY SEE ME NAKED....
and nobody is going to pay money to see me flopping around on a pole shaking
my 'MUFFIN TOP' and DOUBLE CHIN!')
 
....and I want to be a COP...
but I'm pretty sure I can't be a Cop...
....because I've got a record...
...and I can't RUN...(... I'm pretty sure I'd never catch anyone in a Police Chase!) 
......but mostly because I don't like GUNS! 
(...and I'm pretty sure Cops HAVE to carry Guns....and shoot people....and I'm not sure I'd enjoy shooting people.......except for stupid people.....now stupid people I could shoot.....or ugly people.....I'm pretty sure I could shoot ugly people, too!)
 
Oh....(back to the point)......  I'm scared of Felons and Criminals! 
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd never make it as a Cop!
 
So yeah, basically I've spent the last 2 years of my life
being PRETTY, having FUN and being a 'TROPHY WIFE' 
(.... while I'm not thinking of being a Stripper or a Cop, that is...) 
 
  Yeah....I've been way to busy to be worrying myself about 
Hairyman and mines financial situation. 
 
I have a feeling that's gonna change!
(........bribing him with 'Sexual Favors' just isn't cuttin' it anymore!)