Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Hypnotist's, Phylis Diller look-alikes and Fire Hydrants....

So.....since I'm still as fat as the last time we talked....I decided to go to a 'Hypnotist' to try to lose weight.  I went with my mom ...(evidently, she thinks I'm fat!)  We met at the community center and there was about 25-30 people there.....both male and female.  The hypnotist did a 'group hypnotism' with all of us in the room at the same time.  (...genius idea, Mr. Hypno guy.....this oughtta be fun....)    He turned down the lights, lit some candles and told us to get comfortable.  I figured he'd break out in a rendition of 'Reunited' by Peaches and Herb at any moment.......or break us into teams so we could play 'light as a feather, stiff as a board' ...............I was at least hoping he'd pass out some glasses of wine, but that didn't happen either....(....evidently our hypnotist wasn't as cool as I thought he was going to be...)......(...no worries......I had Vodka in my purse....)  I took my shoes off, unbuttoned the top button of my jeans (...I considered taking them off entirely, but thought better of it......since my mom was in the room, of course......)  I took a shot of Vodka from my purse .....(..with mom glaring at me from the next chair with those eyes saying silently that I need an intervention...)    and I assumed the 'Yoga Position' on my folding chair.....(...which wasn't very easy for me....but I managed!)

We were supposed to close our eyes and take some deep breaths.  It was hard to focus because my feet stunk....(....taking my shoes off wasn't such a good idea after all....)  Some lady kept coughing on the other side of the room ...(...ever heard of RICOLA, lady....) ....and some man kept farting toward the back of the room  ...(it smelled like a combination of mildew toes and rotten cow balls in the room!)   How the hell was I supposed to concentrate on his voice and listen to his commands and relax my body and be hypnotized and lose a bunch of weight so my friends will be envious and want to be just like me with all this going on in the background??   And for some reason I can't get the song 'Reunited' out of my head..............(...you've gotta be freakin' kidding me, people....)

...reunited and it feels so good....
....reunited cause we understood....

Oh - for God's sake.........

Focus, Jenny......

So there I was - pretending to be in deep concentration.... while all along I kept peeking out of one eye......silently looking around the room at all the other people probably pretending to be hypnotized, too.....and then I saw her....the crazy looking 'Phylis Diller' lady - with one eye cracked open just like me!  Her hair was in a dishevel and she looked like a homeless bag lady......(...that would certainly explain the shopping cart out front.....).. I stared at her for a moment.........she was looking directly at me from across the room with one 'BEADY EYE' ...(..and I can't be sure - but I'm fairly certain it was a GLASS EYE.....on account of it being all milky-white looking .....)  and I could've swore she licked her lips (...a slowwwwww provocative lick...) and blew me a kiss!  WHAT THE HELL?  I snapped my one-eye closed, lost my balance, about fell off my chair......and the people in the room (the ones that were supposed to be hypnotized) sshh'd me! .......... My mom elbowed me from the chair next to me and I think I pissed myself!
.......anyway.........
I'm not too sure about this hypnotism thing.
My mom bought me the hypnotism CD's to listen to at home.....
(Helllloooooo, my mom thinks I'm fat!)

 I'm not even sure if it worked or not....I don't feel any different.    Mr. Hypnotist guy did tell us that some people - when they're hypnotized - they don't even know they're hypnotized!   Yeah......well......... 

ALL I KNOW IS..... It's been a week..... I haven't lost any weight......and every time I see a homeless person, I have a strange urge to blow them a kiss and I'm obsessed with Peaches and Herb all of a sudden!

5 comments:

  1. What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!?!?!?

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  2. Funny, funny, funny............only you Jen, at least it was a chair and not a bar stool....now that would have hurt....listen to the tape it will work....love ya

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  3. good hell. It's a good thing we weren't there together. We would have started a laugh-a-thon

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  4. You are funnier than Phylis Diller and I find her hilarious.

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  5. you are so funny.....can't believe I missed this when you posted it....I love this...I did the 'Hypnotist' thing one time and it worked...then when I got fat again I tried something else..........lol...keep writing girl...you're good

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