If you only knew how cool I used to be............

I was so stupid - when I was younger (big surprise, huh?)........................like - back in my college days, when I skipped class, spent all my college money on clothes and eating out, instead of on books and tuition (oh, yeah, mom and dad were real proud of me back then) ........ back when I lived on ramen noodles and Boonsfarm............... (yes, my kids will probably read this.............. but they already know what a moron I am!)

I thought it would be COOL to smoke.............remember - I'm in college.............and I'm young..............and fairly stupid...............(Keep in mind, what an idiot I am - okay?)...... I bought a pack of cigarettes (Virginia Slims 120's, of course, cause that was what all the cool girls were smoking back in college!) .......this one pack of cigarettes lasted me the entire amount of time that I was in college, by the way........... (2 years) because I never-EVER smoked them. In fact, I hardly ever 'LIT' them. (I just pretended to smoke them - to impress people..............to be cool..........) (True story!) Once in a while, I'd light one up so I could blow a few smoke rings (which I was actually pretty good at, now that I think about it!) (but I never actually inhaled them..........I would've pucked - and gotten sick).........................I know - I know............. you all wish you could've been as cool as I was back then........................'you would've been begging me to be your friend .....every one of you........!'

All the "IT" people had portable phones back then...........and I wanted one, too, right? (to be cool)....................so I cut the earpiece off of an old telephone (you'll have to remember - back in the 80's, we didn't have little pocket size cell phones)............if you were fortunate to own a cell phone, it sure as hell wouldn't fit in your purse or back pocket ......... and they were EXPENSIVE.......looked like a huge walkie-talkie (eye-sore), had large colored buttons and usually came with a huge antenna protruding from the top.....

So - not only was I a 'fake smoker' back in college............and had a 'fake cell phone' ..........(and I was quite the 'IT' girl)......................(and yes, it gets better)......................

Picture me................ driving back and forth from home to college (about a 2 hour drive)...........driving down the interstate - in my little buick sumerset...........back in the 80's............. windows down..........my 'Farrah-Fawcett-feathered hair' blowing in the wind.........sunglasses on......my cassette tape jammin' to Prince and the Revolution's 'Lets Go Crazy'................. cigarette in one hand (Note: cigarette is not actually LIT)............I'm only pretending to smoke - to be cool, remember? ..................(try to keep up!).............fake phone in the other hand (with long spiral cord hanging from the bottom of the phone - attached to absolutely nothing) - and me, carrying on an imaginary conversation with some imaginary person ...........remember, no one actually knows that I'm NOT talking to anyone when they see me (unless, of course, they notice the long spiral cord hanging from the bottom of the phone in mid-air - attached to nothing) ...............but I don't think they noticed........(in my little world - they never noticed, OK?)................................every time I pass a car on the expressway, I definitely make a point to gain their attention - maybe wave my hand with the cigarette around a little - so they can see me smoking and talking on the phone - while driving .........I take 'fake puffs' off of my cigarette and fake talk into my phone ............... and I AM looking cool (trust me - I am) ..........and looking 'Hot!' (hhelllllooooooooooo!)

Hey............ I just thought of something, girlfriends........(this is a TRUE story)...........and I used to do this kinda shit - back in the day......................BUT.............if I've got a fake cigarette in one hand and my fake phone in the other hand............who the Hells driving the car?

Photos courtesy of the internet