OK………(like we haven’t been round and round this topic before)………(well, HUMOR ME, people!)....……I seriously need to lose weight!
You know that ‘$1000.00’ that HairyMan bet me about ME losing 30 pounds by June 1st………..well………….I DON’T even want to talk about it………( well…..maybe I DO )…………………I’M A MORON……..… Do you know that I haven’t lost ONE pound!? …(……..hellllloooooooooo………surprise…….)………oh yeah………I lost a couple of pounds (kudos to me) last month………but that victory was short-lived - because I gained it all back again! …….. not that that should really surprise you!?
………….Maybe I need an INTERVENTION…………….
First of all – it’s NOT like I’m OBSESSED with my weight and being thin and skinny again………(OK, maybe I am) ……but face it, it's like I'm this 'tiny-little-sexy-fun-girl' - who's stuck in this 'old-worn-out-hefty-over-sized-shell-of-a-body'.............and it's crampin' my style and it's starting to seriously piss me off ........and it's preventing me from being MY 'oh-so-cool-HOT-sexy-self'.......................BUT………helllooooo……..if I WAS obsessed – wouldn’t I BE THIN
………….. think about it…..…….it’s just that I can’t FIT into half of my clothes in my closet (which is depressing)………and those teeny little skinny bitches who walk by me every day.......well, seriously - I"m about ready to stick a pencil in their 'jugular' - if you know what I mean.................come on already.................eat a sandwich, will you.............…AND my weight IS taking a toll on my health (I'm starting to feel my age)…………trust me……..if you’ve been paying attention to my life, you’ll know that I’m a HAPPY person and my “Life is Good!”…………BUT – I do think I’d be just a little bit happier if I was in – lets see – into I size 9………………….SO – this is the problem, girlfriends:
First of all – it’s NOT like I’m OBSESSED with my weight and being thin and skinny again………(OK, maybe I am) ……but face it, it's like I'm this 'tiny-little-sexy-fun-girl' - who's stuck in this 'old-worn-out-hefty-over-sized-shell-of-a-body'.............and it's crampin' my style and it's starting to seriously piss me off ........and it's preventing me from being MY 'oh-so-cool-HOT-sexy-self'.......................BUT………helllooooo……..if I WAS obsessed – wouldn’t I BE THIN
………….. think about it…..…….it’s just that I can’t FIT into half of my clothes in my closet (which is depressing)………and those teeny little skinny bitches who walk by me every day.......well, seriously - I"m about ready to stick a pencil in their 'jugular' - if you know what I mean.................come on already.................eat a sandwich, will you.............…AND my weight IS taking a toll on my health (I'm starting to feel my age)…………trust me……..if you’ve been paying attention to my life, you’ll know that I’m a HAPPY person and my “Life is Good!”…………BUT – I do think I’d be just a little bit happier if I was in – lets see – into I size 9………………….SO – this is the problem, girlfriends: ……….helllooooo…………..I LOVE Cheeseburgers! …….by now you should know that……………and you should know how WEAK I am……(…..it’s not that you’ve just met me or something, right………..so try to keep up…………)……………OK, and ABOUT the ‘Alcohol’……..seriously, people………I like to drink!............which takes us to ‘Energy Drinks’….I’m seriously addicted! …………..yes, I know they aren’t healthy for me…….…(especially, when I add the Vodka)……….…but hey, what can I say………
I don’t think I realize how BIG I’m actually getting……………how many sizes that I’ve actually grew in the last 4 years…………….in my own little mind - I don’t think I look too big………(then I see myself in a snapshot or a video, and OMFreakin’HolyBeans………Is that me?).................(where the FREAK did that FAT woman come from and how did she get in my picture?)…….........….BUT seriously – shouldn’t the fact that my clothes don’t fit me any more – be a clue? AND……………have you SEEN me naked? (I look bad enough with my clothes ON, TRUST ME)....…….well, it gets a whole lot worse when I take my clothes off! I seriously look like someone’s ‘FRUMPY MOTHER’…………(and trust me, girlfriends – that isn’t the look I’m going for)……and seeing me NAKED isn’t an image you want embedded in your mind right now………..….
I don’t think I realize how BIG I’m actually getting……………how many sizes that I’ve actually grew in the last 4 years…………….in my own little mind - I don’t think I look too big………(then I see myself in a snapshot or a video, and OMFreakin’HolyBeans………Is that me?).................(where the FREAK did that FAT woman come from and how did she get in my picture?)…….........….BUT seriously – shouldn’t the fact that my clothes don’t fit me any more – be a clue? AND……………have you SEEN me naked? (I look bad enough with my clothes ON, TRUST ME)....…….well, it gets a whole lot worse when I take my clothes off! I seriously look like someone’s ‘FRUMPY MOTHER’…………(and trust me, girlfriends – that isn’t the look I’m going for)……and seeing me NAKED isn’t an image you want embedded in your mind right now………..….
..........and the fact that I have NO DESIRE to work-out or do anything physical may have something to do with it (with me being fat and all)………… (I'm SORRY, Richard, if I don't want to jump around for 20-30 minutes to 'Sweatin' to the Oldies', while totally out of breath, dying of thirst, sweating to death, and peeing my pants) .......hhhelllllloooooooooo............NOT FUN........besides - jumping jacks or any type of jumping make me pee my pants............ jogging makes me pee my pants......even power walking makes me pee my pants.............intense exercise ............... you got it ................. I pee myself! ...................(But that's a whole 'NOTHER' POST! Please DON'T get me started on that problem!)
Well ………the good news is that I haven’t GAINED any weight in a month………….(and I know you’ve heard this before)………but TODAY'S the day that I turn over a 'NEW LEAF' in my life!
It doesn’t matter how old I am, that’s NO excuse…………I wanna be a HOT MAMA again! My birthdays in May and I’ll be 44 years old - in exactly 32 days - and there is NO reason (NO REASON) that I CAN'T look and feel ‘freakin’ Fabulous, OK?
Well - NOW that I've gotten myself all ‘RILED UP'…………..and NOW that I'm about ready to SHOVE a 'Kielbasa' down some 'Skinny Models' throat..............
Well - NOW that I've gotten myself all ‘RILED UP'…………..and NOW that I'm about ready to SHOVE a 'Kielbasa' down some 'Skinny Models' throat..............
I’ll keep you posted on my progress…………..wish me luck!
Photo courtesy of the Internet.
$1000! Do it!
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