1.) Today is my birthday! Normally I'd be telling you all to go out and buy me presents and tell me how 'fabulous' and 'young' I look for my age....................but then I thought about it..............and that's shit you should be doing for me and telling me on a daily basis anyway..........not just on my birthday, people! (What is wrong with you guys, anyway?)
2.) I woke up this weekend (Sunday morning - to be exact) and asked HairyMan if it was a dream or did I really get drunk last night and 'drunk dial' my boss?! (To which HairyMan replied: "NO, Hun....it wasn't a dream, you REALLY DID 'drunk text' your boss!")
3.) I've decided that I'm gonna go out and buy a garden gnome, tie it to a tree and let my dog pee on it daily!
4.) My friend Chris brought a cake to work today in honor of my birthday........and by 11:00am, I had already eaten half of it!
5.) You all know how I keep peanut butter in the glove compartment of my car? Well, try explaining that to a cop, when he asks you what's in the Peanut Butter Jar that he thinks I'm hiding in the glove compartment.............
Robo Cop: 'Ma'ma, what's in the peanut butter jar, ma'ma?"
ME: (.....with a stupid look on my face.....staring at him in silence for a moment.....like he's some kind of idiot for asking....) "Seriously? .....uh........hellllloooo...........peanut butter!" (...and I say it like it's something everybody normally has in the glove compartment....)
Robo Cop: "Ma'ma, why do you have peanut butter in your glove compartment?"
ME: "Do you think I'm fat?" ....(starting to get irritated because he must think I'm some kind of heffer who hides food in my car...) ....(...which I am.....and I do.....but that's besides the point...) "Sometimes I get hungry, officer!" "And I like to be prepared when the hunger panes strike!" "You see, peanut butter doesn't go bad so I can store it in my car without it molding or getting rancid......do you think that's weird?" "And please don't call me Ma'ma....it makes me feel old!" "I also keep plastic spoons in my console, if you must know!"