1.) Today is my birthday! Normally I'd be telling you all to go out and buy me presents and tell me how 'fabulous' and 'young' I look for my age....................but then I thought about it..............and that's shit you should be doing for me and telling me on a daily basis anyway..........not just on my birthday, people! (What is wrong with you guys, anyway?)
2.) I woke up this weekend (Sunday morning - to be exact) and asked HairyMan if it was a dream or did I really get drunk last night and 'drunk dial' my boss?! (To which HairyMan replied: "NO, Hun....it wasn't a dream, you REALLY DID 'drunk text' your boss!")
3.) I've decided that I'm gonna go out and buy a garden gnome, tie it to a tree and let my dog pee on it daily!
4.) My friend Chris brought a cake to work today in honor of my birthday........and by 11:00am, I had already eaten half of it!
5.) You all know how I keep peanut butter in the glove compartment of my car? Well, try explaining that to a cop, when he asks you what's in the Peanut Butter Jar that he thinks I'm hiding in the glove compartment.............
Robo Cop: 'Ma'ma, what's in the peanut butter jar, ma'ma?"
ME: (.....with a stupid look on my face.....staring at him in silence for a moment.....like he's some kind of idiot for asking....) "Seriously? .....uh........hellllloooo...........peanut butter!" (...and I say it like it's something everybody normally has in the glove compartment....)
Robo Cop: "Ma'ma, why do you have peanut butter in your glove compartment?"
ME: "Do you think I'm fat?" ....(starting to get irritated because he must think I'm some kind of heffer who hides food in my car...) ....(...which I am.....and I do.....but that's besides the point...) "Sometimes I get hungry, officer!" "And I like to be prepared when the hunger panes strike!" "You see, peanut butter doesn't go bad so I can store it in my car without it molding or getting rancid......do you think that's weird?" "And please don't call me Ma'ma....it makes me feel old!" "I also keep plastic spoons in my console, if you must know!"
I laughed at the gnome. It's gardening season in Idaho (FINALLY) and I went to the local nursery to get seeds and stuff.
ReplyDeleteThey had gnomes for sale. Not just regular gnomes, officially licensed Travelocity Gnomes. No joke. They're $40.... um....
i carry peanut butter too!!! and usually some kind of canned juice or something lol used to do crackers but they get stale and gross... vienna sausages work well too...hell they survive anything! happy birthday woman... you look fabulous!! there are gnomes everywhere here.... right by the gazing balls so they appear to double in number!
ReplyDeletehahaha. omg you freakoide. drunk texted your boss. I love it.
ReplyDeletePeanut butter in the glove box. Well, I think it's a good idea. You never know when you might run off the road and have to live on whatever you have till they find you. Then you can make the national news, and do all the talk shows, and the peanut butter brand you had will do commercials and such. :)
Happy birthday to you! I'm sure your boss loved his drunk text. Who DOESN'T like drunk texts?!
ReplyDeleteOMG, what a HILARIOUS post!!
ReplyDeleteSO sorry I'm late, Jenny!!
Happy belated birthday, sister!!! <3
I hope it was the best!
Lost.in.Idaho: ...tell me...please tell me that you didn't actually buy any? You didn't did you?
ReplyDeleteSherri: See...great minds think alike...it's not just me who's got peanut butter in her car....I knew you were my favorite friend for some reason! (..and hellloooo....of course I look good...duh...) :):)
Dazee: 'Freakoide?' I love this word...I think I'm gonna start using it in my everyday vocabulary... (By the way, I love the way you're thinking ahead and have me doing peanut butter commercials...)...do you think they'll want me on Ellen....or Maury? :):)
AMo....good thing I have a very cool boss.... he knows he can't expect too much out of me - both at work and out of the workplace! Thanks for the BDay wishes!
ReplyDeleteLilPixi: I had the best birthday, thanks for the belated wishes! And I'm waiting for my present from you to arrive any day now....(cause I know you bought me presents....hellloooo....)