Friday, July 1, 2011

Letters from Max!

Listen up, human........I need to remind you of a few things.........
#1.) Do not yell at me every time I bark?  Newsflash..............  I'm a Freakin' Dog....that's what I do!
#2.) I'm alone in this stinkin' house all day long while you're at work.....get it?......all alone!  So when you get home from work and walk in the door - don't expect me to be all non-chalant and don't expect me to entertain myself all evening long........I've been doing that ALL DAY, remember..........all by myself...... I want some attention......I want to lick your face...I want to smell your crotch and I want to play..............it's because I've been home alone ALL DAY LONG! 
#3.) I like to eat!  And just because I have a full bowl of dog food in MY dish doesn't mean I'm not hoping you'll give me some of YOUR food...........that's why I beg.....that's why I watch you eat..............helllloooooooo........have you ever tasted the dry shit you put in my bowl and call food.........your food is a whole lot better than the shit you give me!  Let's trade food for a day and see how you like it!
#4.) Do you really NOT KNOW WHY I get the shakes and I whine everytime you take me to the vet?   Are you really that stupid?    Do you think maybe it's because everytime you take me there - you leave me?! ...........with those people in the white uniforms who poke and prod me and stick me with needles.......and they usually end up shaving all my hair off - right before you come to take me home.........what the 'freaks' up with that, anyway?  I'm a dog....leave my flippin' fur alone!
#5.) and finally......... if you don't know it by now - my butt-hole itches......and dragging it across the carpeting is the only way of getting any relief........so deal with it!     .............and NO - I don't have worms........you itch your butt all the time and you don't have worms, do ya?
                                                                      Max

5 comments:

  1. Totally makes sense. All of it.

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  2. hahahaha. you have a very smart dog there. And he's funny too. Just lke you.

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  3. Absolutely hilarious.My dog Winston agrees with everything that Max said..Love it!!..xx

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  4. :D My dogs, Sophie and Lulu, totally agree with Max :) #5 is usually is accompanied by #1 because that behavior (along with the poop eating that Lulu does :X) is just too gross not to yell LOL

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  5. Ok, that last one had me crying with laughter. We have a new dog, 8 months old.... she's a trip but she doesn't drag her butt... yet... We used to have an 18 year old dog (passed away last year) and she did the butt drag. Too funny.

    Oh and hello, I'm visiting from SITS :)
    www.fleurdealeta.blogspot.com

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