Hormones, Horse-Pellets, and Fruit Roll-ups!

Hairyman and I were talking one day and we decided that we both have gotten fat and lazy   ………it’s no secret or anything, trust me…….…. we were just sitting around talking about it and we decided to chalk it up to bad hormones….yeah, that’s right – you heard me – BAD HORMONES……………(….well it certainly couldn’t be because we eat unhealthy, we’re getting old, we  never exercise and we’ve simply let ourselves go…….Hell, NO………..I’m pretty sure it’s hormones!)  So we decided that we’re gonna go get some hormone therapy!  Good idea, right?  

So there we sit in the ‘hormone hospital’ getting ready to get our first hormone injections.  This is our second appointment and we’re waiting patiently to get injected with the miracle hormones that we both lack - that will turn us into Wonder Woman and Superman! 

We had decided to go in together to see the ‘hormone doctor’ and have the procedures done.  And of course, I go first because Hairyman is basically a chicken shit!  This procedure consists of needles, novocaine… (….or some other local anesthetic….), scalpels and some sort of Dr. Frankenstein sort of metal injection contraption…..(…this contraption being designed to inject hormone pellets into our bodies.......more specifically – our BUTT CHEEKS…..)  Sounds fun, right?

Well…… to make a rather long story short…..after spending a freakin’ ungodly amount of money, let’s just say they took out a huge-ass syringe that had a big-ass needle and injected a whole lot of novocaine in the right butt cheek of my ass…….they took out a scalpel and slit the side of my butt cheek open and then got out the Dr. Frankenstein contraption (as described above) which they filled with some sort of ‘Horse Pellets’ and injected them into the hole in the side of my ass……….

…………10 minutes later I have a bandage on my butt and I’m seated in the room with Hairyman now on the gurney readying for his turn …..next thing I know I’m lying on the floor of a doctor’s office with a half-eaten fruit roll-up in my hand (WTHell?) and spilled orange juice down the front of me……….(….evidently, I passed out, they carried me to one the doctor’s offices, laid me on the floor (because they were out of gurneys) and gave me a fruit roll-up and a glass of orange juice…)…….I took a few deep breaths, ate the rest of my fruit roll-up, tried to get the orange stains off the front of my blouse……limped my way to the front office…(…limping because I have no feeling in the right side of my butt, remember?....)……..I asked the nurse who the bitch was that gave me orange juice without any Vodka in it and told some guy in a beret that I’d be in the waiting room waiting for Hairyman to finish up with HIS procedure …………dragged my way to the waiting room - hair is dishevel, orange stains down the front of my white shirt, walking with a limp….basically dragging my right foot behind me as I go like a zombie straight out of 'The Walking Dead'.....I have mascara under my eyes…. Oh, and if that’s not all -  apparently I have a red 'kool-aid-like' mustache around my mouth from the fruit roll-up!  (...which I didn't discover until AFTER I had left the office and looked at myself in the rearview mirror of my car.....)    Oh, and some lady in the waiting room has the gall to ask (and I believe her exact words were): “What happened to you, ma’am?....whatever they did to you – I sure as heck hope they don’t do to me!"          

Ya Think?  ...(Are you FREAKIN' kidding me, Lady?)

 .....These 'Horse Pills' in my Ass better work.......I'm just sayin'.......