Fireworks, Smeared Fingernail Polish, Bloody Razors, and Apparently I'm Fat!

So Hairyman and I decided that it was time to get into the ‘FIREWORK’ business.  Our first venture was selling them over the July 4^th holiday this last week………..and you’re thinking, ‘What Fun!’ right?  Fireworks!  Ewwww and Ahhhhh……..Well, let me tell you how much FREAKIN’ fun I had:

1.)    Whenever Hairyman and I decide to embark on a new venture, Hairyman always has these bright ideas to have our parents help us out.  Yeah, cheap help, right?……. but keep in mind that our parents range in ages from 65 to 79 years old (……with too many ALPHA personalities in the bunch….)  …. It’s a FREAKIN’ miracle I made it through the week without sticking a sparkler in one of their necks  …….I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I picked up a cherry bomb and aimed at one of our parents and Hairyman had to restrain me (….in fact, by the end of the week, Hairyman was afraid to leave me under the tent alone with our parents for fear of me setting them on fire – ON PURPOSE…. since I had all of these explosives around me…)……………….Oh, how much fun was to be had with Hairyman and I spending an entire week with all four of our parents under our little canvas tent …..

2.)    So one day (…..at band camp…..) …………………(……whoops – wrong story)…..So one day ……..when we weren’t too busy under the firework tent I decided it was a good time to paint my fingernails (…what the hell was I thinking, right?....)……. Of course I had just finished with the third coat of my pretty red nail color of choice….fingernails looking beautiful and freshly manicured (…had spent about an hour making them look beautiful………)……when some woman decides to pick this IDEAL time to come strike a deal for sparklers and bottle rockets.  All I have to say is that by the time I was done wheeling and dealing, totaling her order, making change, and bagging her items for her – my fingernails looked like bloody red stumps at the end of my fingers…..I had freakin’ red nail polish ALL OVER…they were streaked, scratched, smudged and looked like SHIT for the entire rest of the day!  Freakin’ Idiot!

3.)    Well, as if I hadn’t learned my lesson from the previous days ‘Fingernail Fiasco’ – the next day I decided to shave my legs under the tent……Dry….with an old razor!  Let’s just say DEFINITELY NOT A GOOD IDEA!  (Note to self……..Absolutely under NO circumstances EVER do this again!)  I spent the rest of THAT DAY with blood running down my legs from various cuts and razor scrapes…………….AND a razor rash so bad that numerous people thru-out the day …(people I didn’t even know – STRANGERS for crying out loud…) pointing out my legs and argued the fact that I must have gotten into a bad case of Poison Ivy….WHAT……NO, you idiots!  I’m just a freakin’ MORON!  ………..

OH and there’s MORE…….

4.)    One day one of my dad’s friends came by the tent to visit with my dad (….we’ll call him ‘Lanny’….cause that’s his name in real life….)  My father wasn’t at the tent at the time……it was just Hairyman, my father-in-law and myself………So I approached Lanny, right? (….having not seen him in about 15-20 years) and wanted to say Hello (cause sometimes I’m nice like that……….sometimes……………)….Well of course he didn’t recognize me (……evidently I don’t look the same way I looked 20 years ago…….DUH!)   I told him who I was and he just stood there staring at me like a blind man would………I told him, “You didn’t recognize me, did you?”    And you know what he said?   He said, “NO, I didn’t, …….you’ve gotten a lot wider since the last time I saw you!”        REALLY!   Are you freakin’ kidding me?   Who says that?  

What a Frickin' Awesome Week! 

(Disclaimer:  The jokes about our parents were all in good fun! Hairyman and I absolutely LOVE our parents to death and would never intentionally hurt them!)