Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Alone in a hospital....a killer's on the lose....and where's my Room Service!

So here I sit in the hospital ….. hooked up to this contraption that is supposed to monitor my sleeping habits tonight.  I seriously look like freakin’ Frankenstein – with tubes hooked to my head, face, arms and legs!  I brought a book to read and am looking so forward to an entire night with a bed all to myself without Hairyman and my dog, Maximus. (…sorry, Hairyman….)
I was a little anxious and nervous coming in tonight, but am quite at ease now because I’m in a room that looks like a hotel room, not a hospital room….very comfortable and homey.  Actually, now that I think about it….. they brought me to this dark, isolated wing of the hospital and the technician that I followed to this room…….well – let’s just say – I’m not entirely sure I’m STILL IN the hospital, to be honest…..with the long maze of hallways, twists and turns, and elevators and stairs we had to take to get here....…I could be in another building on the other side of town for all I know....…...I’m completely LOST…I’ll never find my way out!   If there’s a fire – I’m fairly certain I’ll DIE!    And the creepy technician that brought me here…..his odd silence…his wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete and all…….it could be my imagination, but something just doesn’t feel right tonight    (…HA!....just kidding – the technician wasn’t really wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete…….I made that up........BUT - he WAS creepy regardless…...like 'Jeffrey Dahmer' kindof creepy......)

Things that could go wrong tonight:
1.) I'll strangle myself in my sleep with all these wires going on in my bed tonight.
2.) I'll snore SO LOUD tonight that they'll actually cancel my testing and kick me out of this place....(.....how embarrassing would that be....getting kicked out of a sleep apnea test for snoring too loud....isn't that the point of the freakin' test?......I'm just sayin'....)
3.) I return home tomorrow and Hairyman has shut me out of my house and changed all the locks on the doors....
4.) I get murdered in here by a creepy, maniacal killer ...(...NOTE TO SELF: I really have to quit watching so many scary movies....)
AND 5.) This place won't have room service.


I’m typing away on my laptop now…(…looking like Frankenstein, let’s not forget…)…and now I’ve got myself all worked up trying to imagine what I’m gonna do when psycho ‘Jason Voorhees’ technician decides to come calling while I’m alone in this room tonight.  Never mind the thin little lab tech outside my door monitoring my sleeping……..killer Jason is gonna eat her alive….(….what with her size-2 scrubs and skinny little petite frame goin’ on........the bitch!)…..forget about her offering me any ounce of protection from 'crazy man with a cross-bow'.  For cryin' out loud… I could freakin’ kick her ass if I wanted too...…she'll be useless in any type of survival situation...................eat a sandwich, will ya!…..(....evidently, she doesn't know the zombie apocalypse is coming....)

My only hope of survival is the hope that I MAY HEAR the sound of Jason killing her outside my door prior to his entering my room ...

(.....I pause to pray for her death to be a loud death....)   
.................which will bide me some time to plan my escape……...(...actually, right now I'm contemplating getting up and practicing my Chuck Norris moves.....but decide against it....)

Of course, in my mind - the hospital’s been shut down ....hours ago....while I’ve been cooped up in this room and everyone has evacuated the hospital …(...unbeknownst to me ...........)..…and of course, everybody’s forgotten about me in this creepy dark isolated wing ....…so here I am - all alone for the night ....(…’cause Jason killed the skinny lab tech, remember….) …in this deserted building with a maniacal killer lose….hunting me…

.....my only hope is to make it to morning....oh, God help me....

I hear something outside my door.......then silence....(......I sit ready to be murdered....)  ......ready to pounce like a Ninja....... ..there's a knock.....the door opens..........and the cheery little lab tech asks if I need anything. 
'I'd like a Cheeseburger , an order for fries (with a side of mayo) and an order of deep fried pickles with ranch dressing with a Diet Coke to drink, please.'
'Size-2 tiny bitch' smiles, giggles to herself, tells me ....(....and I believe her exact words are...) "You're a hoot".......she tells me to have a good night, to let her know if I need anything and closes the door as she leaves......

.....hellllooooooo - I wanted a freakin' Cheeseburger........that's what I wanted........(...Damn Her....)......Evidently they don't offer room service during 'Sleep Apnea' tests....

........and I'm guessing the chances of me getting any Vodka in here are NULL!

1 comment:

  1. Have I mentioned that you freaking crack me up. I have to admit tho, I think the same way. All the who done it books I read. :)

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