I've been in Florida selling Christmas trees for the last 3 weeks. So I'm gonna run with that and use it as an excuse as to why I haven't been on-line lately..... (...hoping you won't notice that I haven't written anything witty and amusing since October, which is what? 3 months? .....but who's counting?.......) (...not that I NEED an excuse to be behind on my blogging.......hellllooooo.....I do have a life, people!)
Okay, back to point of this post....... My family goes to Florida (from Michigan) and sells Christmas trees for about a month around this time of year. It's a family business and each year we have family and/or friends go with us to help at our Christmas tree lot.
Because I'm lazy and don't want to take the time to entertain you with separate posts explaining each story in detail, I'm summing it up with these key points of interest from the last 3 weeks:
1.) Before I left for Florida, I had a doctors appointment and my doctor said I could stop taking my cholesterol medicine. He says I'm going thru menopause! I think he's trying to kill me!
2.) I haven't had my period since September..........I think I'm pregnant!
3.) My mother farting at the airport .......and I'm not talking little 'sweet fluffs'...........I'm talking loud, stinky 'man farts' that everyone in the terminal HEARS and surely SMELLS! "Seriously, MOM??"
4.) Taking my dog 'MAX' out for a pee break at 3AM one night - him falling in the pool and me having to use my 'Chuck Norris Ninja skills' to dive in and save him!
5.) Entering the 'porti-john' to do my business one day.......bending down to lower my shorts and panties around my ankles.....and before I could grab the rail on the inside of the 'porti-door' to steady myself and hover over the hole (because God knows no way in Hell that my *ss is gonna touch that nasty seat), the door flies open due to the wind and I'm standing there bare-naked from the waist down exposing myself to the parking lot!
6.) Me thinking about being pregnant......... 46 and pregnant..........I don't want to be pregnant!
7.) I'm obsessed with 'Elf on the Shelf'....... I've been making a list of new poses or activities for him to do every day...........(IMPORTANT NOTE: I don't even HAVE an 'Elf on the Shelf'!!)
8.) Me eating NON-STOP these last three weeks.......I'm freakin' ALWAYS HUNGRY! I think I have worms! Or I'm pregnant!
9.) My mother thinks I'm an alcoholic! (....which is really gonna suck if I'm pregnant!)
10.) I 'facebook messaged' an old friend the other day and told her I ATE HER SON! Damn you, auto-correct! Now she thinks I'm a cannibal!
11.) Good news.....I'm not pregnant! ...(....I'm just fat......and going thru menopause.....and I'm an alcoholic ......and a cannibal!)
That's all for now......... Now I'm off to try on my 'Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps' and look at myself in the mirror...... then maybe I'll go kill some 'Garden Gnomes'!