Monday, January 20, 2014

I Hate Porti-Johns!!

I have another "porti-potty story" for you guys.  (Cause’ you know I always have a good porti-potty story to tell you.) 

THIS STORY IS ABOUT PERIODS AND TAMPONS......YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!  (if you embarrass easily or don't want to hear about my period best not continue!)

Last year at the Christmas tree lot you’ll remember how I was in the porti-john squatting and peeing on a windy day and forgot to lock the porti-john and the door flew open on me – baring my all to the world...............

Well this year while at the tree lot we rented a porti-potty that had an OPEN FLOOR........ (the floor was grated and you could see the ground and grass under the grates)……evidently this helps air the thing out and prevents the floor from ever getting wet, right?  ..............Well, I happened to be on my period this particular day so I grabbed my tampon and headed into the porti-john.  (Keep in mind this is a regular size potty and there’s not much room.)  I also should tell you that this was my LAST TAMPON and I was bleeding from my crotch like a ‘stab wound to the abdomen’ victim.   So I’ve got my pants around my ankles, I squat to pee (yes, squatting…because there’s no way my butt is gonna make contact with the porti-potty toilet seat) ….I remove the used tampon and while in the process of removing the new tampon from out of its handy little convenient wrapper...... I FUMBLE.....and my new tampon falls out of the wrapper onto the floor of the porti-potty! (I’ll remind you that this particular porti-potty has NO FLOOR… has grates, remember?!)  So my tampon (the only one I have at the moment to get me thru the next few hours) has fallen thru the grates of the floor of the porti-john …………BUT….I’m in luck because I can SEE my tampon thru the floor (under the grates of the porti-potty!)  So I grab a huge gob of toilet paper (probably about 78 squares) and stuff it to my crotch…..pull up my underwear with the handful of tissue between my legs....and get down on my knees of the porti-john (kneeling on my shorts - on the bottom of the porti-potty grates) in hope of retrieving my ONLY tampon.   I’m in luck because my tampon has fallen on the side of the porti-potty that has grass so it’s propped up on a few blades and I'm fairly sure I can reach it……..I have to put my fingers thru the grates …..Close your eyes and picture this in your mind if you will:  Me .......on the floor of a disgusting, dirty 'porti-potty'…… my underwear…..tissue jammed between my legs......kneeling on my shorts………my butt up in the air……..fingering the floor grates.........  "You get the picture??" 

BUT………. I AM able to retrieve the magic tampon from the bottom the the porti-john!  (Yes - There is a God!)  So needless to say I get back up off the floor…..blow the dirt and grass off my priceless tampon and "We're back in business, people!"

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