Letters from Max!

Listen up, human........I need to remind you of a few things.........
#1.) Do not yell at me every time I bark?  Newsflash..............  I'm a Freakin' Dog....that's what I do!
#2.) I'm alone in this stinkin' house all day long while you're at work.....get it?......all alone!  So when you get home from work and walk in the door - don't expect me to be all non-chalant and don't expect me to entertain myself all evening long........I've been doing that ALL DAY, remember..........all by myself...... I want some attention......I want to lick your face...I want to smell your crotch and I want to play..............it's because I've been home alone ALL DAY LONG! 
#3.) I like to eat!  And just because I have a full bowl of dog food in MY dish doesn't mean I'm not hoping you'll give me some of YOUR food...........that's why I beg.....that's why I watch you eat..............helllloooooooo........have you ever tasted the dry shit you put in my bowl and call food.........your food is a whole lot better than the shit you give me!  Let's trade food for a day and see how you like it!
#4.) Do you really NOT KNOW WHY I get the shakes and I whine everytime you take me to the vet?   Are you really that stupid?    Do you think maybe it's because everytime you take me there - you leave me?! ...........with those people in the white uniforms who poke and prod me and stick me with needles.......and they usually end up shaving all my hair off - right before you come to take me home.........what the 'freaks' up with that, anyway?  I'm a dog....leave my flippin' fur alone!
#5.) and finally......... if you don't know it by now - my butt-hole itches......and dragging it across the carpeting is the only way of getting any relief........so deal with it!     .............and NO - I don't have worms........you itch your butt all the time and you don't have worms, do ya?
                                                                      Max

Deer Heads are Falling Off the Deer....OR is that a Dead Possum?

Yesterday morning (around 6:00am) I let our little dog, Max, outside in his pen ...through his doggie door..........to do 'his business' and as I peeked out the slider door (out into the darkness) ......(to try to catch a peek at him doing 'His Thing'............yeah, I'm that kind of dog owner).......I noticed that he had congregated to the side of his pen and was sniffing something.  After a minute or two, I decided to step out into the darkness and into his fenced in pen to take a look to see what had gathered his attention.    WELL, at first, I though there was a 'severed deer head' laying in the corner of his pen that had gained his attention, (.....and I'm thinking to myself ........GREAT.........now we have deer around our property whose heads are falling off.............) ........but as I looked closer, I realize there was some dead animal laying in the corner of his pen - it wasn't a severed deer head after all   (....guess I won't have to worry about those headless deer, now.............)   So here I was (...and pay attention, cause this will be an important factor later on in my story..) ....here I was.... I'm squatting down ....my face about 1 foot or so from this dead carcass laying on the cement......trying to get a better look......I kick it a little with my slipper....you know.........to make sure it's dead.............and I take an even closer look (...it's 6AM and dark out, remember.............) ........and upon closer inspection, I realize that it's a possum that's dead in Max's pen.  Well, I move a little closer TO SEE WHY the heck IT'S DEAD in my dogs pen.......like I wanna make sure one of it's feet isn't caught in the fence.....and I'm picturing it - with it's leg caught and how it's trying to gnaw away at his leg to get free.......and maybe it's leg is bloody and hanging there from the bone and maybe possums teeth aren't sharp enough to gnaw through bone............so now I'm probably going to have to go get a saw or a jack knife and help it free itself..............but wait........the darn things dead, right...........and WAIT............that's mice that eat their legs off to get out of situations, not possums.......I don't think possums do that , do they? ....anyway.........it's laying on it's back.........all four feet straight up in the air.......(..and I'm wondering what the FREAK is up with that.........)......so I stand up, move back, grab Max, go inside, grab a shovel and a flash light and head back out to get this dead carcass out of Max's pen...............and guess what?

It's FREAKIN' GONE!

How can it be gone?  I left it there for maybe...1 minute or so......if that! AND IT WAS DEAD..........WASN'T IT?  Well apparently it wasn't dead ..............helllooooo............and remember how I told you had my face about 8 inches from it all the while I was trying to get a better look at it!   Now I'm sick to my stomach.......I could have been attacked by this rabid possum.........and it was probably a mutant hybrid possum (not just the normal ones, you'd find in the woods)......... IT could have jumped up with it's razor sharp teeth and mauled me .........and given me rabies..........and infected me with it's mutant blood ............ and it could've messed up my face.........and I would have scars (....surely there would be scars..........)     AND BLOOD  (and we all know how well I deal with blood)  ..........and I wouldn't be able to be 'HairyMans' Trophy Wife anymore ...................I'm just sayin'.............................

.............and where the heck did it go, anyway?  (Let's hope - NOT IN the doggie door!) 

Letters From Maximus!

OK, there's a couple of things that I need to get off of my chest:

1.) Blaming your farts on me.......Not Funny!

2.) Yelling at me for barking................I'm a frickin' dog, you moron!

3.) Do you actually believe the stupid cat isn't all over your stuff when you're gone. Haven't you noticed that your toothbrush smells a little like "cat butt?"

4.) Dog Sweaters? Have you noticed I have fur, you idiot?

5.) How you act disgusted when I lick myself........we both know you're just jealous you can't do the same thing!

6) Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check things out.............who's walk is this anyway?

There, now that I've gotten that off my chest.......try to get a grip!

........................... your dog, Max

Photo of Maximus 2009

Meet Max

Hi, everyone.......My name is Maximus "Killer" Brown, (But everyone calls me Max.) I live in a big house with a very nice family, (The Browns). I've been with them about 7 1/2 years. (I'm 8 years old.) It didn't take long for me to train this family. Now I pretty much get whatever I want around here. The two big humans raise their voice at me from time to time, but usually all I have to do is look at them, (with my cute little look that I always give them), and they usually give in to anything I want around here.

They even put in a custom"doggie-door", (that's just my size), that goes out to my own little private doggie pen. (Which is complete with pavement and flowers.) I can pretty much go in and out of this little door whenever I want to.......which is kind of cool. I think that out this little door is where they would PREFER me to do my thing (pee and poop), but sometimes I'm just not in the mood to go outside, so I just go in their house. This really pisses Jenny off! ...............And don't even think about me going outside when it's raining out. I hate it when my feet get wet. They yell at me and call me a "pussy dog"........... but "sticks and stones!" Why would I go outside in the rain and get all wet, when I can stay in here and just pee all over this big house? Hellllllooooo..................people....I'm not stupid!

There are no other pets in this family, so I'm pretty much spoiled rotten. Jenny even lets me sleep with her every night, (which drives Rob nuts, sometimes!) I don't think he likes me in the bed with them EVERY night! (If you know what I mean!) ..............wink! wink!

Every night, (the highlight of my day), I watch out the back window for these creatures that the humans call "deer". Every night, just like clock work, the deer make their voyage from one side of the yard to the other (in plain view) and I have the privilege of watching and barking my _ss off at them for about 2 hours each night. (Which seems to upset the humans more than the deer!) My barking doesn't seem to bother the deer, at all. I think the deer are used to me by now and they've just become accustomed to my barking every night. If fact, I think these deer intentionally go out of their way to taunt me, because they know I am harmless behind the walls of this house and my little pen.

Once in awhile the kids come around and they treat me like I'm some God or something, (Boy, do I have them fooled!) When the two big humans aren't looking, the kids sneak me "people food". (Which is way better than that dry, stinky dog food that they make me eat.) Sometimes they give me too much and I puke all over the house. This really pisses Jenny off!

They have even put a sign on our door intended for all non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about me........it reads: 1.) Max lives here. You don't! 2.) We like Max a lot better than we like most people. 3.) To you, he's an animal. To us, he is our adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. So be nice to him!

I love this family!