Weight Watchers vs. Banana Bread

Yesterday I was going to start

Weight Watchers......

...Today I ate an ENTIRE loaf of

Banana Bread

.........that's all I have to say

about that!

I Hate Porti-Johns!!

I have another "porti-potty story" for you guys.  (Cause’ you know I always have a good porti-potty story to tell you.) 

THIS STORY IS ABOUT PERIODS AND TAMPONS......YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!  (if you embarrass easily or don't want to hear about my period problems...you best not continue!)

Last year at the Christmas tree lot you’ll remember how I was in the porti-john squatting and peeing on a windy day and forgot to lock the porti-john and the door flew open on me – baring my all to the world...............

Well this year while at the tree lot we rented a porti-potty that had an OPEN FLOOR........ (the floor was grated and you could see the ground and grass under the grates)……evidently this helps air the thing out and prevents the floor from ever getting wet, right?  ..............Well, I happened to be on my period this particular day so I grabbed my tampon and headed into the porti-john.  (Keep in mind this is a regular size potty and there’s not much room.)  I also should tell you that this was my LAST TAMPON and I was bleeding from my crotch like a ‘stab wound to the abdomen’ victim.   So I’ve got my pants around my ankles, I squat to pee (yes, squatting…because there’s no way my butt is gonna make contact with the porti-potty toilet seat) ….I remove the used tampon and while in the process of removing the new tampon from out of its handy little convenient wrapper...... I FUMBLE.....and my new tampon falls out of the wrapper onto the floor of the porti-potty! (I’ll remind you that this particular porti-potty has NO FLOOR…..it has grates, remember?!)  So my tampon (the only one I have at the moment to get me thru the next few hours) has fallen thru the grates of the floor of the porti-john …………BUT….I’m in luck because I can SEE my tampon thru the floor (under the grates of the porti-potty!)  So I grab a huge gob of toilet paper (probably about 78 squares) and stuff it to my crotch…..pull up my underwear with the handful of tissue between my legs....and get down on my knees of the porti-john (kneeling on my shorts - on the bottom of the porti-potty grates) in hope of retrieving my ONLY tampon.   I’m in luck because my tampon has fallen on the side of the porti-potty that has grass so it’s propped up on a few blades and I'm fairly sure I can reach it……..I have to put my fingers thru the grates …..Close your eyes and picture this in your mind if you will:  Me .......on the floor of a disgusting, dirty 'porti-potty'……...in my underwear…..tissue jammed between my legs......kneeling on my shorts………my butt up in the air……..fingering the floor grates.........  "You get the picture??" 

BUT………. I AM able to retrieve the magic tampon from the bottom the the porti-john!  (Yes - There is a God!)  So needless to say I get back up off the floor…..blow the dirt and grass off my priceless tampon and "We're back in business, people!"

Randomness.....Key Points Summed Up!

I've been in Florida selling Christmas trees for the last 3 weeks.   So I'm gonna run with that and use it as an excuse as to why I haven't been on-line lately.....   (...hoping you won't notice that I haven't written anything witty and amusing since October, which is what? 3 months? .....but who's counting?.......)   (...not that I NEED an excuse to be behind on my blogging.......hellllooooo.....I do have a life, people!)

Okay, back to point of this post....... My family goes to Florida (from Michigan) and sells Christmas trees for about a month around this time of year.  It's a family business and each year we have family and/or friends go with us to help at our Christmas tree lot.



Because I'm lazy and don't want to take the time to entertain you with separate posts explaining each story in detail, I'm summing it up with these key points of interest from the last 3 weeks:

1.) Before I left for Florida, I had a doctors appointment and my doctor said I could stop taking my cholesterol medicine.  He says I'm going thru menopause!  I think he's trying to kill me!

2.) I haven't had my period since September..........I think I'm pregnant!

3.) My mother farting at the airport .......and I'm not talking little 'sweet fluffs'...........I'm talking loud, stinky 'man farts' that everyone in the terminal HEARS and surely SMELLS!   "Seriously, MOM??"

4.) Taking my dog 'MAX' out for a pee break at 3AM one night - him falling in the pool and me having to use my 'Chuck Norris Ninja skills' to dive in and save him!

5.) Entering the 'porti-john' to do my business one day.......bending down to lower my shorts and panties around my ankles.....and before I could grab the rail on the inside of the 'porti-door' to steady myself and hover over the hole (because God knows no way in Hell that my *ss is gonna touch that nasty seat), the door flies open due to the wind and I'm standing there bare-naked from the waist down exposing myself to the parking lot!

6.) Me thinking about being pregnant......... 46 and pregnant..........I don't want to be pregnant!  

7.) I'm obsessed with 'Elf on the Shelf'....... I've been making a list of new poses or activities for him to do every day...........(IMPORTANT NOTE: I don't even HAVE an 'Elf on the Shelf'!!)

8.) Me eating NON-STOP these last three weeks.......I'm freakin' ALWAYS HUNGRY!  I think I have worms!  Or I'm pregnant!

9.) My mother thinks I'm an alcoholic! (....which is really gonna suck if I'm pregnant!)

10.) I 'facebook messaged' an old friend the other day and told her I ATE HER SON!  Damn you, auto-correct!  Now she thinks I'm a cannibal!

11.) Good news.....I'm not pregnant!  ...(....I'm just fat......and going thru menopause.....and I'm an alcoholic ......and a cannibal!)

That's all for now.........  Now I'm off to try on my 'Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps' and look at myself in the mirror...... then maybe I'll go kill some 'Garden Gnomes'!

Want an Oreo? Too late - I ate them ALL!

I ate a whole package of Oreo's on the way

to work this morning!  Not a mini-pack ..............

a full '3 sleeve large pack!' 

The following is an email that I sent my two bosses this morning:

 

"Just wanted to tell the two of you................I know I’m a pain in the ass some times, but I really do love my job!"

 

"(.....and NO – I’m not drinking right now.....Geez!)" 

 

"(....altho, it could be the Vivarin and Prozac talking right now!)"    

 

"Anyways, thanks for putting up with me!"

 

True story...........

 

Boss #1 emailed me back with this reply:

 

"Funny - you are so funny!"  (....apparently Boss #1 has a sense of humor.....)  (........maybe he should start reading my blog!)

 

..........I haven't heard from Boss #2, yet!   (....let's see if he has a sense of humor....)  (...don't know if I want him reading my blog!)

 

I'll keep you posted!

Road trips and window licking.....

So here I am on the expressway …I’m irritated and ornery......(...SURprrrisssse.........)    I’m side by side with another car to my left…..the other car is a 4-door silver SUV of some kind and it can’t move ahead because of another car in front of it - so I’m stuck driving along side this SUV for quite some time..…… the driver of the SUV is some ‘blond haired 30-something- movie-star-wanna-be’ type.....(....wouldn’t you know……)..... talking on her cell phone.  Every hair looks like it’s in place and she’s wearing a suit coat over a white blouse….(.. from what I can see from over here in my car…)…and I imagine her makeup is flawless, the bitch…………..she is evidently more concerned about what the other person on the other end of the cell phone conversation is saying than with paying attention to what was going on around her on the highway.  This only irritates me more!

Yeah, look at me bitch….riding in my sweats and T-shirt…..hair in a pony tail with most of my makeup rubbed off from the day....and looking like I just rolled out of bed  .....   You think you’re better than me?  You think you’re cool, don’t you? …….. but she can’t hear me over there in her car - with the windows rolled up…. talking on the phone..........I just glare over at her and give her the 'talk to the hand gesture'......  ...(....I think she just rolled her eyes at me.......).....

….I can’t move ahead because there’s another car in front of me.  So the SUV and I ride side by side for quite some time……I keep casually looking over to her and glaring at her…….I want her to know that she can’t intimidate me……in her big SUV and looking like she just walked off the cover of 'Glamour' magazine.......

....that's right, bitch...piss me off and I'll beat the living Shit out of you.....   ...(I'm pretty sure I can take her.......I'm just sayin'...).....

.......traffic sucks tonight, it’s not moving all too fast…good thing I'm not in a hurry..…. and we must have driven like this for miles….….her car in the left lane beside my car….with her talking away on her phone.........hellloooo.......  ...(...where's a cop when you need one......isn't talking on your cell and driving illegal?)

 She keeps looking at me …what the hells wrong with her? ………..she’s glancing at me like it’s my fault that the traffics backed up …………..I keep glancing at her periodically……..and every time I look her way – she’s staring at ME!  Talking on her cell phone and watching me with her eyes through her sunglasses……….

Watch the freakin’ road, LADY!  If you crash into me I’m gonna be flippin’ PISSED!  …..(…I refrain from rolling down my window and flipping her the finger…..but decide I’m way TOO MATURE for that……)

I imagine that she’s scared of me.....(...at least that's what I'm thinking - in my mind...)... I’m probably really freaking her out over there.  I keep making faces at her ….bobbin’ my head…...giving her the 'peace out' sign with my fingers...............she looks at me….I look at her……she looks at me.....I look at her........   

I see the traffic up ahead moving a little faster and picking up pace…….my lane speeds up……I reach for my sunglasses…I put them on……I look to my left over at ‘SUV girl’ -  glaring at her with my eyes from above my sunglasses, chin down…

Then do you know what I do?

……………..I stick my tongue out as far as it will go ................and slowly ........seductively LICK THE INSIDE OF THE DRIVER'S SEAT WINDOW……..and then I take off - FAST!    (.....'cause that's how classy I am....)

Alone in a hospital....a killer's on the lose....and where's my Room Service!

So here I sit in the hospital ….. hooked up to this contraption that is supposed to monitor my sleeping habits tonight.  I seriously look like freakin’ Frankenstein – with tubes hooked to my head, face, arms and legs!  I brought a book to read and am looking so forward to an entire night with a bed all to myself without Hairyman and my dog, Maximus. (…sorry, Hairyman….)

I was a little anxious and nervous coming in tonight, but am quite at ease now because I’m in a room that looks like a hotel room, not a hospital room….very comfortable and homey.  Actually, now that I think about it….. they brought me to this dark, isolated wing of the hospital and the technician that I followed to this room…….well – let’s just say – I’m not entirely sure I’m STILL IN the hospital, to be honest…..with the long maze of hallways, twists and turns, and elevators and stairs we had to take to get here....…I could be in another building on the other side of town for all I know....…...I’m completely LOST…I’ll never find my way out!   If there’s a fire – I’m fairly certain I’ll DIE!    And the creepy technician that brought me here…..his odd silence…his wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete and all…….it could be my imagination, but something just doesn’t feel right tonight…    (…HA!....just kidding – the technician wasn’t really wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete…….I made that up........BUT - he WAS creepy regardless…...like 'Jeffrey Dahmer' kindof creepy......)

Things that could go wrong tonight:
1.) I'll strangle myself in my sleep with all these wires going on in my bed tonight.
2.) I'll snore SO LOUD tonight that they'll actually cancel my testing and kick me out of this place....(.....how embarrassing would that be....getting kicked out of a sleep apnea test for snoring too loud....isn't that the point of the freakin' test?......I'm just sayin'....)
3.) I return home tomorrow and Hairyman has shut me out of my house and changed all the locks on the doors....
4.) I get murdered in here by a creepy, maniacal killer ...(...NOTE TO SELF: I really have to quit watching so many scary movies....)
AND 5.) This place won't have room service.

I’m typing away on my laptop now…(…looking like Frankenstein, let’s not forget…)…and now I’ve got myself all worked up trying to imagine what I’m gonna do when psycho ‘Jason Voorhees’ technician decides to come calling while I’m alone in this room tonight.  Never mind the thin little lab tech outside my door monitoring my sleeping……..killer Jason is gonna eat her alive….(….what with her size-2 scrubs and skinny little petite frame goin’ on........the bitch!)…..forget about her offering me any ounce of protection from 'crazy man with a cross-bow'.  For cryin' out loud… I could freakin’ kick her ass if I wanted too...…she'll be useless in any type of survival situation...................eat a sandwich, will ya!…..(....evidently, she doesn't know the zombie apocalypse is coming....)

My only hope of survival is the hope that I MAY HEAR the sound of Jason killing her outside my door prior to his entering my room ...

(.....I pause to pray for her death to be a loud death....)   
.................which will bide me some time to plan my escape……...(...actually, right now I'm contemplating getting up and practicing my Chuck Norris moves.....but decide against it....)

Of course, in my mind - the hospital’s been shut down ....hours ago....while I’ve been cooped up in this room and everyone has evacuated the hospital …(...unbeknownst to me ...........)..…and of course, everybody’s forgotten about me in this creepy dark isolated wing ....…so here I am - all alone for the night ....(…’cause Jason killed the skinny lab tech, remember….) …in this deserted building with a maniacal killer lose….hunting me…

.....my only hope is to make it to morning....oh, God help me....

I hear something outside my door.......then silence....(......I sit ready to be murdered....)  ......ready to pounce like a Ninja....... ..there's a knock.....the door opens..........and the cheery little lab tech asks if I need anything. 

'I'd like a Cheeseburger , an order for fries (with a side of mayo) and an order of deep fried pickles with ranch dressing with a Diet Coke to drink, please.'

'Size-2 tiny bitch' smiles, giggles to herself, tells me ....(....and I believe her exact words are...) "You're a hoot".......she tells me to have a good night, to let her know if I need anything and closes the door as she leaves......

.....hellllooooooo - I wanted a freakin' Cheeseburger........that's what I wanted........(...Damn Her....)......Evidently they don't offer room service during 'Sleep Apnea' tests....

........and I'm guessing the chances of me getting any Vodka in here are NULL!

To wipe or not to wipe......

Hairyman and I went out to eat with some friends after a long day at a convention that we were attending last weekend.  I had taken a change of clothes because it had been a long day in hot weather.  I stuffed my change of clothes into my purse and away we went into the restaurant for dinner.  While in the restroom changing my clothes, I decided to go to the bathroom (while in the stall) and I realized that my stall was out of toilet paper (after I had relieved myself, of course.) 

What would you do?
1.)  Not wipe?
2.) OR - Use your clothes that you had just taken off to wipe your
ASS and then throw them all away in the restroom garbage?

Can you guess what I DID?

Fireworks, Smeared Fingernail Polish, Bloody Razors, and Apparently I'm Fat!

So Hairyman and I decided that it was time to get into the ‘FIREWORK’ business.  Our first venture was selling them over the July 4^th holiday this last week………..and you’re thinking, ‘What Fun!’ right?  Fireworks!  Ewwww and Ahhhhh……..Well, let me tell you how much FREAKIN’ fun I had:

1.)    Whenever Hairyman and I decide to embark on a new venture, Hairyman always has these bright ideas to have our parents help us out.  Yeah, cheap help, right?……. but keep in mind that our parents range in ages from 65 to 79 years old (……with too many ALPHA personalities in the bunch….)  …. It’s a FREAKIN’ miracle I made it through the week without sticking a sparkler in one of their necks  …….I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I picked up a cherry bomb and aimed at one of our parents and Hairyman had to restrain me (….in fact, by the end of the week, Hairyman was afraid to leave me under the tent alone with our parents for fear of me setting them on fire – ON PURPOSE…. since I had all of these explosives around me…)……………….Oh, how much fun was to be had with Hairyman and I spending an entire week with all four of our parents under our little canvas tent …..

2.)    So one day (…..at band camp…..) …………………(……whoops – wrong story)…..So one day ……..when we weren’t too busy under the firework tent I decided it was a good time to paint my fingernails (…what the hell was I thinking, right?....)……. Of course I had just finished with the third coat of my pretty red nail color of choice….fingernails looking beautiful and freshly manicured (…had spent about an hour making them look beautiful………)……when some woman decides to pick this IDEAL time to come strike a deal for sparklers and bottle rockets.  All I have to say is that by the time I was done wheeling and dealing, totaling her order, making change, and bagging her items for her – my fingernails looked like bloody red stumps at the end of my fingers…..I had freakin’ red nail polish ALL OVER…they were streaked, scratched, smudged and looked like SHIT for the entire rest of the day!  Freakin’ Idiot!

3.)    Well, as if I hadn’t learned my lesson from the previous days ‘Fingernail Fiasco’ – the next day I decided to shave my legs under the tent……Dry….with an old razor!  Let’s just say DEFINITELY NOT A GOOD IDEA!  (Note to self……..Absolutely under NO circumstances EVER do this again!)  I spent the rest of THAT DAY with blood running down my legs from various cuts and razor scrapes…………….AND a razor rash so bad that numerous people thru-out the day …(people I didn’t even know – STRANGERS for crying out loud…) pointing out my legs and argued the fact that I must have gotten into a bad case of Poison Ivy….WHAT……NO, you idiots!  I’m just a freakin’ MORON!  ………..

OH and there’s MORE…….

4.)    One day one of my dad’s friends came by the tent to visit with my dad (….we’ll call him ‘Lanny’….cause that’s his name in real life….)  My father wasn’t at the tent at the time……it was just Hairyman, my father-in-law and myself………So I approached Lanny, right? (….having not seen him in about 15-20 years) and wanted to say Hello (cause sometimes I’m nice like that……….sometimes……………)….Well of course he didn’t recognize me (……evidently I don’t look the same way I looked 20 years ago…….DUH!)   I told him who I was and he just stood there staring at me like a blind man would………I told him, “You didn’t recognize me, did you?”    And you know what he said?   He said, “NO, I didn’t, …….you’ve gotten a lot wider since the last time I saw you!”        REALLY!   Are you freakin’ kidding me?   Who says that?  

What a Frickin' Awesome Week! 

(Disclaimer:  The jokes about our parents were all in good fun! Hairyman and I absolutely LOVE our parents to death and would never intentionally hurt them!) 

Hypnotist's, Phylis Diller look-alikes and Fire Hydrants....

So.....since I'm still as fat as the last time we talked....I decided to go to a 'Hypnotist' to try to lose weight.  I went with my mom ...(evidently, she thinks I'm fat!)  We met at the community center and there was about 25-30 people there.....both male and female.  The hypnotist did a 'group hypnotism' with all of us in the room at the same time.  (...genius idea, Mr. Hypno guy.....this oughtta be fun....)    He turned down the lights, lit some candles and told us to get comfortable.  I figured he'd break out in a rendition of 'Reunited' by Peaches and Herb at any moment.......or break us into teams so we could play 'light as a feather, stiff as a board' ...............I was at least hoping he'd pass out some glasses of wine, but that didn't happen either....(....evidently our hypnotist wasn't as cool as I thought he was going to be...)......(...no worries......I had Vodka in my purse....)  I took my shoes off, unbuttoned the top button of my jeans (...I considered taking them off entirely, but thought better of it......since my mom was in the room, of course......)  I took a shot of Vodka from my purse .....(..with mom glaring at me from the next chair with those eyes saying silently that I need an intervention...)    and I assumed the 'Yoga Position' on my folding chair.....(...which wasn't very easy for me....but I managed!)

We were supposed to close our eyes and take some deep breaths.  It was hard to focus because my feet stunk....(....taking my shoes off wasn't such a good idea after all....)  Some lady kept coughing on the other side of the room ...(...ever heard of RICOLA, lady....) ....and some man kept farting toward the back of the room  ...(it smelled like a combination of mildew toes and rotten cow balls in the room!)   How the hell was I supposed to concentrate on his voice and listen to his commands and relax my body and be hypnotized and lose a bunch of weight so my friends will be envious and want to be just like me with all this going on in the background??   And for some reason I can't get the song 'Reunited' out of my head..............(...you've gotta be freakin' kidding me, people....)

...reunited and it feels so good....

....reunited cause we understood....

Oh - for God's sake.........

Focus, Jenny......

So there I was - pretending to be in deep concentration.... while all along I kept peeking out of one eye......silently looking around the room at all the other people probably pretending to be hypnotized, too.....and then I saw her....the crazy looking 'Phylis Diller' lady - with one eye cracked open just like me!  Her hair was in a dishevel and she looked like a homeless bag lady......(...that would certainly explain the shopping cart out front.....).. I stared at her for a moment.........she was looking directly at me from across the room with one 'BEADY EYE' ...(..and I can't be sure - but I'm fairly certain it was a GLASS EYE.....on account of it being all milky-white looking .....)  and I could've swore she licked her lips (...a slowwwwww provocative lick...) and blew me a kiss!  WHAT THE HELL?  I snapped my one-eye closed, lost my balance, about fell off my chair......and the people in the room (the ones that were supposed to be hypnotized) sshh'd me! .......... My mom elbowed me from the chair next to me and I think I pissed myself!

.......anyway.........

I'm not too sure about this hypnotism thing.
My mom bought me the hypnotism CD's to listen to at home.....

(Helllloooooo, my mom thinks I'm fat!)

 I'm not even sure if it worked or not....I don't feel any different.    Mr. Hypnotist guy did tell us that some people - when they're hypnotized - they don't even know they're hypnotized!   Yeah......well......... 

ALL I KNOW IS..... It's been a week..... I haven't lost any weight......and every time I see a homeless person, I have a strange urge to blow them a kiss and I'm obsessed with Peaches and Herb all of a sudden!

I Binged, I peed my pants and have I told you how pathetic I am?

The following is an email that I sent to my friend Heather today:

 

I am such a loser........I just took a lunch and I binged again!      I could punch myself right in the face!    I ate a BBQ chicken sandwich and 3 onion wraps from the gas station, then I went to McDonalds and ate 4 chicken McNuggets and 1 McDonald Angus Mushroom and Swiss Wrap.    Now I feel miserable!  ....and I had to unbutton my pants....so now I'm sitting here at work with my pants undone and that's not the half of it..........

.......I tried to make myself sick when I got back to work but that didn't work.........while I had a finger down my throat.....bent over the toilet....dry-heaving -  I pissed myself!    So now I not only feel like a HOG - I smell like urine!             ......yes, I know I have issues, people!

Hormones, Horse-Pellets, and Fruit Roll-ups!

Hairyman and I were talking one day and we decided that we both have gotten fat and lazy   ………it’s no secret or anything, trust me…….…. we were just sitting around talking about it and we decided to chalk it up to bad hormones….yeah, that’s right – you heard me – BAD HORMONES……………(….well it certainly couldn’t be because we eat unhealthy, we’re getting old, we  never exercise and we’ve simply let ourselves go…….Hell, NO………..I’m pretty sure it’s hormones!)  So we decided that we’re gonna go get some hormone therapy!  Good idea, right?  

So there we sit in the ‘hormone hospital’ getting ready to get our first hormone injections.  This is our second appointment and we’re waiting patiently to get injected with the miracle hormones that we both lack - that will turn us into Wonder Woman and Superman! 

We had decided to go in together to see the ‘hormone doctor’ and have the procedures done.  And of course, I go first because Hairyman is basically a chicken shit!  This procedure consists of needles, novocaine… (….or some other local anesthetic….), scalpels and some sort of Dr. Frankenstein sort of metal injection contraption…..(…this contraption being designed to inject hormone pellets into our bodies.......more specifically – our BUTT CHEEKS…..)  Sounds fun, right?

Well…… to make a rather long story short…..after spending a freakin’ ungodly amount of money, let’s just say they took out a huge-ass syringe that had a big-ass needle and injected a whole lot of novocaine in the right butt cheek of my ass…….they took out a scalpel and slit the side of my butt cheek open and then got out the Dr. Frankenstein contraption (as described above) which they filled with some sort of ‘Horse Pellets’ and injected them into the hole in the side of my ass……….

…………10 minutes later I have a bandage on my butt and I’m seated in the room with Hairyman now on the gurney readying for his turn …..next thing I know I’m lying on the floor of a doctor’s office with a half-eaten fruit roll-up in my hand (WTHell?) and spilled orange juice down the front of me……….(….evidently, I passed out, they carried me to one the doctor’s offices, laid me on the floor (because they were out of gurneys) and gave me a fruit roll-up and a glass of orange juice…)…….I took a few deep breaths, ate the rest of my fruit roll-up, tried to get the orange stains off the front of my blouse……limped my way to the front office…(…limping because I have no feeling in the right side of my butt, remember?....)……..I asked the nurse who the bitch was that gave me orange juice without any Vodka in it and told some guy in a beret that I’d be in the waiting room waiting for Hairyman to finish up with HIS procedure …………dragged my way to the waiting room - hair is dishevel, orange stains down the front of my white shirt, walking with a limp….basically dragging my right foot behind me as I go like a zombie straight out of 'The Walking Dead'.....I have mascara under my eyes…. Oh, and if that’s not all -  apparently I have a red 'kool-aid-like' mustache around my mouth from the fruit roll-up!  (...which I didn't discover until AFTER I had left the office and looked at myself in the rearview mirror of my car.....)    Oh, and some lady in the waiting room has the gall to ask (and I believe her exact words were): “What happened to you, ma’am?....whatever they did to you – I sure as heck hope they don’t do to me!"          

Ya Think?  ...(Are you FREAKIN' kidding me, Lady?)

 .....These 'Horse Pills' in my Ass better work.......I'm just sayin'.......

Softball, Drunkin Scorekeeping and Sex!

The following bit is a 'little piece' taken from an email in response to my friend Porscha when she emailed me wanting to know how things have been going with me since we hadn't talked in awhile.  I won't bore you with the entire email....here's just a portion of it:


And I quote:  "Actually I'm nursing a hangover today, Porscha. No that's not quite true.....I don't really have a hangover...I can't be sure - but I think I'm pretty much still drunk from last night.  (Hairymans Softball night) And I was on a roll - trust me!  I was supposed to be keeping score.  And it is obvious from last night that I'm pretty much the WORSE 'score-keeper' of all time....in fact, maybe the worse scorekeeper in the whole universe.   I kept screwing up and getting the score wrong....even the ref was making jokes about what a sucky scorekeeper I was.   All the people in the bleachers were laughing at me.  And I didn't even think I was that drunk....(.....so I thought....)   But I can't be sure!   At one point, one of the players was quite irritated with me.   In fact, he actually took the book away from me and gave it to someone else to keep the score-book!    (...well....I really didn't want to keep score anyway......I just can't be trusted to pay that close attention to a softball game when there's alcohol and friends involved.......what the freak were they thinking putting me in charge of the book and keeping score anyway?)


Cinnamon took me to her house after the games.......all I remember is chowing down 'taquitos' and 'taco meat' and 'left-over mashed potatoes' and I think there was dancing.........yes, I'm pretty sure that dancing was involved.........I can't quite remember if there was music playing or not, tho........I might have been just 'getting my groove on' out on the dance floor with myself in silence (....the dance floor being Cinnamon's kitchen, of course....)   

Then Cinnamon's daughter took me home.....(......thank God for teenagers that can drive......)


I got home and was all horny of course - so I took a shower, shaved my legs, brushed my teeth....(attempted to get my sexy on)....butt-naked and lotioned up - and crawled into bed to wait for Hairyman to get home....


Next thing I know I'm laying on the couch with Max (my dog) lying beside me.............haven't a clue how I got there ......my legs are cut up and raw from razor burn (NOTE TO SELF: Don't shave legs while drunk)..........I have dried toothpaste all over my face (NOTE TO SELF: Don't brush teeth while drunk).....I don't even remember Hairyman getting home.....and I'm not sure if Hairyman and I ever did have sex or not..............I'm just hoping that I didn't have sex with Max!"    End of Quote


IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  This email and post was written with the sole purpose of humor.......(that's what I do - make people laugh).......in no way what-so-ever did I or have I ever had sex with my dog!   ......I'm just sayin'......                                                             

Wearing sweaty Long Dresses, Singing with my Son and making Wedding Memories!

My son got married this last weekend …(….yes, I know - you’re all thinking I can’t possibly be old enough and I certainly don’t LOOK old enough to have a grown son……But I Do!)…….and of course I got all dressed up and made myself look beautiful for the wedding….(…. which wasn’t very hard for me, since I’m already pretty ‘Smokin Hot’ anyway…)

I wore a LONG DRESS to the wedding (…cause I was the ‘Mother of the Groom’ and that’s what we mother of the grooms do …..) ……anyway……. it was freakin’ HOT on Saturday and I was sweatin’ like a Hog all day long.......and the air conditioning wasn’t working in the reception hall and I was getting sick & tired of sweating in my long sweaty dress.....(...and I was already ornery because the ice in my cocktails was melting way too fast in my drinks - due to the heat....)......and I kept tripping over my dress because I had had way too much VODKA anyway........besides - no-one could see my sexy supple legs under my stupid long dress, right?....…. (....and I was a little pissed to begin with - because everyone said I COULDN'T wear WHITE to the wedding.....)....(....and why the hell couldn't the mother of the groom carry flowers?)  .............I'm just sayin'....

........so by the end of the reception….(just so you know) …I HAD HAD ENOUGH....I found a pair of scissors and I cut my 'flippin' dress OFF…..yep…that’s right….(....NO....I didn't cut the whole damn dress off, people .......it was my son's wedding for Gosh Sakes....).....I just cut the BOTTOM HALF OFF - leaving me with a short dress to wear at the reception - instead of having to wear my long dress all night....)  .........kinda like LONG to SHORT in 3 minutes….(....actually - now that I think about it - I'm a GENIUS to have thought of such a great idea....)  Maybe I'll have to patent my long dress/short dress idea....hmmmm.......(.....I just figured if I ever wanted to wear the stupid dress LONG again - I'd just sew it back together - right?.... )   Like I said - I'M A FLIPPIN' GENIUS!.....

.........then my son and I proceeded to do our Karaoke rendition of ‘Crystal Ball’ by ‘Styx’ during the ‘Mother/ Son’ dance……(...yes, we're Classy like that!)   .....then I did the ‘Thriller Dance’ with all my friends on the dance floor (...yes, I'm cool like that!)

…………..WHY? ……… 'CAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL!   
  And helllloooooooo......wasn't this wedding all about me, anyway?  

......HEY - they're just LUCKY I didn't break out the ole' "Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps!".......that's all I'm sayin'........

It's tough being a 'Trophy Wife'!

Today I’m feeling fabulous (….just so you know….)……For one – it’s freakin’ FRIDAY, people! (….HOLLER….) I flippin’ LOVE Fridays! (….my favorite day of the week, by the way….)

I stayed up a little too late last night….hellloooo…..softball just isn’t softball without a cold beer in your hand. (……….and NO – NOT ME …… I certainly DON’T PLAY the game……I WATCH HairyMan hit the ball and run around the bases on Thursday nights…….…)  You didn’t actually think ‘I’ went out and played the game, did you?    I’m not Softball material……hellllooooooooo….…what with me being lazy and fat and out of shape and all……(…..the only way I’d be able to run the bases and not pass out - is if I had on an oxygen tank strapped to my back……..)  

Besides.....the softball pants make my butt look big and I wouldn't want to break a nail!

I go to the softball games every week to watch HairyMan …(……and to scope out the hot ‘buff’ men in their tight little softball pants…) HairyMan thinks I go to watch HIM…so what he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him, OKAY?  

I find my area, set up my lawn chair – phone in one hand….cooler within arms reach…..sporting sunglasses…(…I prefer the mirrored lenses…so the men don’t know I’m looking at their asses when they walk by…) ….my long blonde tresses blowing in the wind……yes, I’m looking quite fabulous….. in my short-shorts, my long tan smooth shaven legs and my ‘Detroit Tiger Jersey’ that extenuates the twins just so …..

…..well…….that’s enough about ME and how awesome I am……

………….. can I help it that HairyMan expects me to go with him every week due to the fact that I’m his ‘Trophy Wife’ and all……(….I’m just sayin’…….)
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

I gotta quit looking at myself naked in the mirror!

First of all, I’ve had about enough Red Bull that I can handle today, …..time to lay off it awhile…….I’m just sayin’…..I think I’m gonna faint!

I’m in serious need of a 'body image change', too, (just so you know)….I’m standing in front of the mirror totally naked - checking myself out again…………(……..I gotta quit doing that, already……it’s depressing………and it makes me want to throw up!)

……..and I don’t know exactly what happened to my body these last few years - to make it look like the way it does right now – ‘CAUSE it’s not pretty……..not pretty one single bit!  (….okay……..who am I fooling……….. of course I know why my body looks like this right now……....hellllllloooo…….it’s because I’m lazy….and I’m fat ……….and I like to eat!)  And as I look at this body of mine, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not that sexy anymore! And it’s starting to PISS ME OFF! (………’cause I’m this little ‘sex craved’ smokin’ hot 29 year old stuck in this frumpy ‘mom’ body……..remember?)

………I mean, it’s not like I’m the type of girl that thinks a woman has to be thin to be sexy .......(…no, I’m not that kind of girl….don’t worry…….)  But - HOLY GEEZ……I do remember that ‘IT WAS A LOT MORE FUN TO BE SEXY’ when I was thinner – and smokin’ hot………

…..so then I get this great idea that I’m gonna try on all my ‘sexy stuff’ that I have hidden in my closet………so here I am now - parading around in front of the full length mirror trying on all my sexy little lacy teddy’s and negligees and thigh highs......... high heels and garters and I’m posing all seductive and pretending I’m some ‘playboy bunny on steroids’ ……… and actually, it’s not that I look too bad…….I mean if I stand a certain way and hold in my stomach just right, and push my rear-end out and if I don’t breathe……..and push my chest out….…and don’t move, for ‘Freaks Sake’ (for fear that my muffin-top is gonna fall out of my elastic panties and one of my boobs is gonna fall out of my skimpy little bra)………….well, I may be able to get away with it………but once I move………(…well….a girls gotta breathe, right?) …........well, then it’s all over, people!

….what’s a girl to do?

Deer Heads are Falling Off the Deer....OR is that a Dead Possum?

Yesterday morning (around 6:00am) I let our little dog, Max, outside in his pen ...through his doggie door..........to do 'his business' and as I peeked out the slider door (out into the darkness) ......(to try to catch a peek at him doing 'His Thing'............yeah, I'm that kind of dog owner).......I noticed that he had congregated to the side of his pen and was sniffing something.  After a minute or two, I decided to step out into the darkness and into his fenced in pen to take a look to see what had gathered his attention.    WELL, at first, I though there was a 'severed deer head' laying in the corner of his pen that had gained his attention, (.....and I'm thinking to myself ........GREAT.........now we have deer around our property whose heads are falling off.............) ........but as I looked closer, I realize there was some dead animal laying in the corner of his pen - it wasn't a severed deer head after all   (....guess I won't have to worry about those headless deer, now.............)   So here I was (...and pay attention, cause this will be an important factor later on in my story..) ....here I was.... I'm squatting down ....my face about 1 foot or so from this dead carcass laying on the cement......trying to get a better look......I kick it a little with my slipper....you know.........to make sure it's dead.............and I take an even closer look (...it's 6AM and dark out, remember.............) ........and upon closer inspection, I realize that it's a possum that's dead in Max's pen.  Well, I move a little closer TO SEE WHY the heck IT'S DEAD in my dogs pen.......like I wanna make sure one of it's feet isn't caught in the fence.....and I'm picturing it - with it's leg caught and how it's trying to gnaw away at his leg to get free.......and maybe it's leg is bloody and hanging there from the bone and maybe possums teeth aren't sharp enough to gnaw through bone............so now I'm probably going to have to go get a saw or a jack knife and help it free itself..............but wait........the darn things dead, right...........and WAIT............that's mice that eat their legs off to get out of situations, not possums.......I don't think possums do that , do they? ....anyway.........it's laying on it's back.........all four feet straight up in the air.......(..and I'm wondering what the FREAK is up with that.........)......so I stand up, move back, grab Max, go inside, grab a shovel and a flash light and head back out to get this dead carcass out of Max's pen...............and guess what?

It's FREAKIN' GONE!

How can it be gone?  I left it there for maybe...1 minute or so......if that! AND IT WAS DEAD..........WASN'T IT?  Well apparently it wasn't dead ..............helllooooo............and remember how I told you had my face about 8 inches from it all the while I was trying to get a better look at it!   Now I'm sick to my stomach.......I could have been attacked by this rabid possum.........and it was probably a mutant hybrid possum (not just the normal ones, you'd find in the woods)......... IT could have jumped up with it's razor sharp teeth and mauled me .........and given me rabies..........and infected me with it's mutant blood ............ and it could've messed up my face.........and I would have scars (....surely there would be scars..........)     AND BLOOD  (and we all know how well I deal with blood)  ..........and I wouldn't be able to be 'HairyMans' Trophy Wife anymore ...................I'm just sayin'.............................

.............and where the heck did it go, anyway?  (Let's hope - NOT IN the doggie door!) 

Recovering from my 'Thong Accident', Hula Hoop Girl and a Day at the Golf Course!

Well, first of all, I'm still recovering from my 'Thong Accident' from last week!  (My buttocks are healing quite nicely....thank you!)

I got to meet 'Hula Hoop Girl'........no kidding......she Hula Hoops for a living....she won 'Flints Got Talent' in 2009.   .Her name is Laura......she's cute and a whole lot of fun!  (.....I mean...she's NOT as fun as I AM of course, but hey..... she's OK!)  She was all about getting attention with her Hula Hoop AT FIRST..........but it didn't take me long to put her in her place and explain to her that it's NOT all about her...........It's ALL About Me!     (As soon as she understood that, we got along just fine!)  

Golfing was a blast on Saturday!  Not that I actually golfed or anything..............(....remember that whole conversation about me being eye candy on the course and all.......try to keep up.....)  Well, I DID look phenomenal in my little golf outfit......not that that should surprise you.........helloooooo............

And guess what? ...................I got my OWN cart!  .....WHY YES, WE GOT CARTS...............I DON'T EVEN golf for petes sake,  you didn't actually think I was gonna walk the damn course did you?  Do you NOT KNOW ME, people?    (.....I know, you're thinking who in their right mind would allow me to be in charge of my own golf cart..................)  .......SO..... not only was I looking awesome on the course........... my BFF's (Porscha, Amy, Laura and Jessica) let me be IN CHARGE of the COOLER!  .......what the HELL were they thinking, I ask you?..........  (I never claimed to have the most intelligent friends....I'm just saying.)  So basically...... I'm looking HOT......in my OWN cart....... by myself.....and in charge of the Alcohol......OH, and in charge of the music, TOO...(well, not really IN CHARGE of the music, but I got to keep the music in MY CART!)...........I think the music was Laura's idea.....(remember, Hula Hoop Girl?)........OMGOSH.....talk about PRESSURE! (I don't know how they thought I could keep up with looking beautiful, in charge of drinks and songs, trying to maneuver my cart in a sober fashion, while trying to be on the lookout for the 'Golf Police' and rabid grizzly bears and Garden Gnomes)..........and what do you mean, MUSIC? ON A GOLF COURSE?  Everyone knows you CAN'T golf without music ......geez......nothing better than trying to make a putt ...with Taio Cruz is singing "I Put My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes!" out of the IPOD.......I'm just saying.  (well, pretty much a recipe for disaster ....if I do say so myself!)  The four of them (my friends, that is) are pretty good golfers - I have to admit!  (Amy could have golfed better, mind you, but I think I kept distracting her with my HOTNESS!  Or, maybe it was my dancing!  Hey - it's not my fault she kept joining in and shakin' her groove thing with me and 'USHER' out there on the course!)  Hey, it wasn't MY idea to bring the MUSIC.....and put it in MY cart!   Hey, my friends should know me by now, right?....they didn't really expect me to just sit there in my cart and keep my mouth shut all day long, did they!   (I think that's why they invited me, anyway....to amuse them!)  .....and trust me it doesn't take much to amuse Amy and Porscha (they normally just amuse themselves!)

WELL, needless to say, while my fellow friends concentrated

on their golf games, I on the other hand, 'Got Drunk and told Jokes!'   Did you know that it's hard to focus on your golf game with a loud obnoxious funny 'HOT' woman with you?  Well, (they told me.....repeatedly....) apparently it is!  Anyway.........what a fun day!  I laughed so hard I

couldn't stop peeing my pants.  By the way, we talked about that, too (peeing my pants, that is).  But I won't get into that....(NOTE TO SELF:  Next time, bring more depends!)  Yeah I pee myself a lot...just in case you're new to my blog! 

Yeah, incontinence is a BITCH, girlfriends!

(photo courtesy of the internet)

Grilled Hotdogs and Double-Dipping ........

Something that you might want to know about me:


I double dip! (……..on certain occasions, anyway....)

Last night we had friends over and we grilled hotdogs. (Now pay attention ………….. ‘cause you won’t want to miss just how classy I am!)

I put all of the hotdogs on a plate on the middle of the table……..I filled cereal bowls full of ketchup, mustard and A1 sauce (because any respectable person has A1 sauce with their hotdogs, right?)…………..and I told everyone to “have at em” ………..NO buns, NO plates, NO silverware………and YES …we did have napkins, mind you (it’s not like we’re a bunch of heathens, people………….GEEZ……….) ……..so there we all were………..hand pickin’ our ‘dogs’ and dipping them in the bowls ……….one after another………dip by dip…………oh, yeah, I’m sure the ‘cooties’ were flying all over the place………..germs everywhere………..

Well, come on…..it WAS about 10PM, right?...........and there WERE a few Margarita’s and MBLight’s a flowin’ (if you know what I mean)……..and it’s not like I didn’t know these people……it’s not like I was in a public place with strangers who I didn’t know………………..and it’s NOT like they didn’t join in and double dip right along with me, folks!       And none of us were sick (that none of us confessed to, anyway)

You see........... all my friends are about as sophisticated as I am………yeah………like we’re a bunch a rednecks who don’t care about catchin’ other peoples diseases…………...

But hey….(in my own defense)……….my friends should know by now that they can’t expect too much out of me, anyway!   (YES - I’m THAT kind of friend!)

Although……………… if (by chance) we all wake up tomorrow morning with cold sores, weird looking rashes, and stool problems ………..…maybe I’ll have to rethink my double-dipping festivities.

        “Did You Just Double Dip That Chip?”
                 Photo courtesy of the internet/ Seinfield

Red Lips on my Butt, Hilary Duff, and I Clogged the Toilet......

Highlights Of My Day:


1.) Since I’m getting a tattoo this summer……(“red lips on my _SS”, for your information)……….SOMEONE (who will remain nameless)…….…(ur…..’Unknown Mami’) ……. says I should get a tattoo of a 'garden gnome'…….heelllloooooo……(has she not been paying attention to my posts?)......(...or is she just trying to get me riled up?)............…now I've got the creeps (thanks, Mami)…….and the shivers…….and I’m sure to have nightmares tonight just thinking of it! “Garden Gnome tattoo……..I THINK NOT!”


2.) Today was ‘Hilary Duff Day’ on the ole’ YouTube playlist ……..My favorite songs are ‘Who’s That Girl’, ‘Fly’, ‘So So Done’, and ‘Dangerous To Know’            (She’s such a little ‘cutie pa-tootie’…….)

3.) OK........I’ve lost ONE pound......yes ONLY ONE miserable pound……..(…….seriously…..in three weeks………)   Unless I lose another 29 pounds by June 1st - NO $1000.00 FOR ME……….I’m so pathetic!    At this rate I'll be THIN by......uh.......20 years.........uh.......and by then, I could be dead!    (What are the chances of me losing another 29 pounds in 19 days?!)   It’s NOT looking good, girlfriends!   Unless I magically ‘give birth’ to a baby between then and now!


And 4.)  (I’m saving the best for last)   Today I clogged the toilet at work………………and I mean REALLY clogged it……….(I’m not kidding, girlfriends)……….I spent 20 whole minutes in the bathroom plunging and the ‘Freakin’ thing overflowed twice……(I panicked, which apparently made it worse)……. there was POOP water all over……it was splashing all over me and getting all over the walls and floor. I should’ve known there was going to be a problem in the first place, because I was having a hard time poopin’ it out to begin with……………(I think it has to do with ‘Too Much Cheese” lately!) I e-mailed my boss (who happened to be out of the office - he gets his e-mails on his cell phone)……the message was as follows:

Bill (my boss):    Just so you know, I clogged the toilet here in the office……….I’ve been in there 20 minutes plunging and it’s overflowed twice. Apparently my poop was bigger than I thought it was. I don’t know what to do! Any ideas? (I think we’re gonna need a BIGGER PLUNGER!)   Jenny

That’s it for the day (so far)………..tell me about your day. Any poop problems?