I Hate Porti-Johns!!

I have another "porti-potty story" for you guys.  (Cause’ you know I always have a good porti-potty story to tell you.) 

THIS STORY IS ABOUT PERIODS AND TAMPONS......YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!  (if you embarrass easily or don't want to hear about my period problems...you best not continue!)

Last year at the Christmas tree lot you’ll remember how I was in the porti-john squatting and peeing on a windy day and forgot to lock the porti-john and the door flew open on me – baring my all to the world...............

Well this year while at the tree lot we rented a porti-potty that had an OPEN FLOOR........ (the floor was grated and you could see the ground and grass under the grates)……evidently this helps air the thing out and prevents the floor from ever getting wet, right?  ..............Well, I happened to be on my period this particular day so I grabbed my tampon and headed into the porti-john.  (Keep in mind this is a regular size potty and there’s not much room.)  I also should tell you that this was my LAST TAMPON and I was bleeding from my crotch like a ‘stab wound to the abdomen’ victim.   So I’ve got my pants around my ankles, I squat to pee (yes, squatting…because there’s no way my butt is gonna make contact with the porti-potty toilet seat) ….I remove the used tampon and while in the process of removing the new tampon from out of its handy little convenient wrapper...... I FUMBLE.....and my new tampon falls out of the wrapper onto the floor of the porti-potty! (I’ll remind you that this particular porti-potty has NO FLOOR…..it has grates, remember?!)  So my tampon (the only one I have at the moment to get me thru the next few hours) has fallen thru the grates of the floor of the porti-john …………BUT….I’m in luck because I can SEE my tampon thru the floor (under the grates of the porti-potty!)  So I grab a huge gob of toilet paper (probably about 78 squares) and stuff it to my crotch…..pull up my underwear with the handful of tissue between my legs....and get down on my knees of the porti-john (kneeling on my shorts - on the bottom of the porti-potty grates) in hope of retrieving my ONLY tampon.   I’m in luck because my tampon has fallen on the side of the porti-potty that has grass so it’s propped up on a few blades and I'm fairly sure I can reach it……..I have to put my fingers thru the grates …..Close your eyes and picture this in your mind if you will:  Me .......on the floor of a disgusting, dirty 'porti-potty'……...in my underwear…..tissue jammed between my legs......kneeling on my shorts………my butt up in the air……..fingering the floor grates.........  "You get the picture??" 

BUT………. I AM able to retrieve the magic tampon from the bottom the the porti-john!  (Yes - There is a God!)  So needless to say I get back up off the floor…..blow the dirt and grass off my priceless tampon and "We're back in business, people!"

Want an Oreo? Too late - I ate them ALL!

I ate a whole package of Oreo's on the way

to work this morning!  Not a mini-pack ..............

a full '3 sleeve large pack!' 

Fireworks, Smeared Fingernail Polish, Bloody Razors, and Apparently I'm Fat!

So Hairyman and I decided that it was time to get into the ‘FIREWORK’ business.  Our first venture was selling them over the July 4^th holiday this last week………..and you’re thinking, ‘What Fun!’ right?  Fireworks!  Ewwww and Ahhhhh……..Well, let me tell you how much FREAKIN’ fun I had:

1.)    Whenever Hairyman and I decide to embark on a new venture, Hairyman always has these bright ideas to have our parents help us out.  Yeah, cheap help, right?……. but keep in mind that our parents range in ages from 65 to 79 years old (……with too many ALPHA personalities in the bunch….)  …. It’s a FREAKIN’ miracle I made it through the week without sticking a sparkler in one of their necks  …….I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I picked up a cherry bomb and aimed at one of our parents and Hairyman had to restrain me (….in fact, by the end of the week, Hairyman was afraid to leave me under the tent alone with our parents for fear of me setting them on fire – ON PURPOSE…. since I had all of these explosives around me…)……………….Oh, how much fun was to be had with Hairyman and I spending an entire week with all four of our parents under our little canvas tent …..

2.)    So one day (…..at band camp…..) …………………(……whoops – wrong story)…..So one day ……..when we weren’t too busy under the firework tent I decided it was a good time to paint my fingernails (…what the hell was I thinking, right?....)……. Of course I had just finished with the third coat of my pretty red nail color of choice….fingernails looking beautiful and freshly manicured (…had spent about an hour making them look beautiful………)……when some woman decides to pick this IDEAL time to come strike a deal for sparklers and bottle rockets.  All I have to say is that by the time I was done wheeling and dealing, totaling her order, making change, and bagging her items for her – my fingernails looked like bloody red stumps at the end of my fingers…..I had freakin’ red nail polish ALL OVER…they were streaked, scratched, smudged and looked like SHIT for the entire rest of the day!  Freakin’ Idiot!

3.)    Well, as if I hadn’t learned my lesson from the previous days ‘Fingernail Fiasco’ – the next day I decided to shave my legs under the tent……Dry….with an old razor!  Let’s just say DEFINITELY NOT A GOOD IDEA!  (Note to self……..Absolutely under NO circumstances EVER do this again!)  I spent the rest of THAT DAY with blood running down my legs from various cuts and razor scrapes…………….AND a razor rash so bad that numerous people thru-out the day …(people I didn’t even know – STRANGERS for crying out loud…) pointing out my legs and argued the fact that I must have gotten into a bad case of Poison Ivy….WHAT……NO, you idiots!  I’m just a freakin’ MORON!  ………..

OH and there’s MORE…….

4.)    One day one of my dad’s friends came by the tent to visit with my dad (….we’ll call him ‘Lanny’….cause that’s his name in real life….)  My father wasn’t at the tent at the time……it was just Hairyman, my father-in-law and myself………So I approached Lanny, right? (….having not seen him in about 15-20 years) and wanted to say Hello (cause sometimes I’m nice like that……….sometimes……………)….Well of course he didn’t recognize me (……evidently I don’t look the same way I looked 20 years ago…….DUH!)   I told him who I was and he just stood there staring at me like a blind man would………I told him, “You didn’t recognize me, did you?”    And you know what he said?   He said, “NO, I didn’t, …….you’ve gotten a lot wider since the last time I saw you!”        REALLY!   Are you freakin’ kidding me?   Who says that?  

What a Frickin' Awesome Week! 

(Disclaimer:  The jokes about our parents were all in good fun! Hairyman and I absolutely LOVE our parents to death and would never intentionally hurt them!) 

Softball, Drunkin Scorekeeping and Sex!

The following bit is a 'little piece' taken from an email in response to my friend Porscha when she emailed me wanting to know how things have been going with me since we hadn't talked in awhile.  I won't bore you with the entire email....here's just a portion of it:


And I quote:  "Actually I'm nursing a hangover today, Porscha. No that's not quite true.....I don't really have a hangover...I can't be sure - but I think I'm pretty much still drunk from last night.  (Hairymans Softball night) And I was on a roll - trust me!  I was supposed to be keeping score.  And it is obvious from last night that I'm pretty much the WORSE 'score-keeper' of all time....in fact, maybe the worse scorekeeper in the whole universe.   I kept screwing up and getting the score wrong....even the ref was making jokes about what a sucky scorekeeper I was.   All the people in the bleachers were laughing at me.  And I didn't even think I was that drunk....(.....so I thought....)   But I can't be sure!   At one point, one of the players was quite irritated with me.   In fact, he actually took the book away from me and gave it to someone else to keep the score-book!    (...well....I really didn't want to keep score anyway......I just can't be trusted to pay that close attention to a softball game when there's alcohol and friends involved.......what the freak were they thinking putting me in charge of the book and keeping score anyway?)


Cinnamon took me to her house after the games.......all I remember is chowing down 'taquitos' and 'taco meat' and 'left-over mashed potatoes' and I think there was dancing.........yes, I'm pretty sure that dancing was involved.........I can't quite remember if there was music playing or not, tho........I might have been just 'getting my groove on' out on the dance floor with myself in silence (....the dance floor being Cinnamon's kitchen, of course....)   

Then Cinnamon's daughter took me home.....(......thank God for teenagers that can drive......)


I got home and was all horny of course - so I took a shower, shaved my legs, brushed my teeth....(attempted to get my sexy on)....butt-naked and lotioned up - and crawled into bed to wait for Hairyman to get home....


Next thing I know I'm laying on the couch with Max (my dog) lying beside me.............haven't a clue how I got there ......my legs are cut up and raw from razor burn (NOTE TO SELF: Don't shave legs while drunk)..........I have dried toothpaste all over my face (NOTE TO SELF: Don't brush teeth while drunk).....I don't even remember Hairyman getting home.....and I'm not sure if Hairyman and I ever did have sex or not..............I'm just hoping that I didn't have sex with Max!"    End of Quote


IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  This email and post was written with the sole purpose of humor.......(that's what I do - make people laugh).......in no way what-so-ever did I or have I ever had sex with my dog!   ......I'm just sayin'......                                                             

....more poop stories......

(If you don't like talking about POOP - you might wanna SKIP this post......I'm just sayin'..........)
Well, I did it again......(....if you're not sure what I'm talking about, read THIS post.......) ......I plugged the toilet at work AGAIN......   Well, I can't help it, people......sometimes I just gotta go.  And I've been having trouble in the poop department lately.

See, this is how it went down:  We have one bathroom in our office - just one - that we all share.  I used to wait for all my male co-workers to leave the office each morning - then - like clockwork  - it's off to the toilet I would go to do my business, same time, each day.  (.....I did this back when I thought all the men in my office didn't think I ever went poop....)      Well - I'm OVER that now - Yeah - I pretty much poop whenever I want to now!   

There was a time - a couple of years ago that I had to go SO BAD................I mean REALLY bad - and one of my male bosses was in the office that afternoon.  I kept waiting for him to get his work done and leave......but he kept sticking around doing God knows what....(....well, I certainly wasn't going to stink up the bathroom when he was in the office...you know..)......I kept having the urge........I mean REAL FREAKIN' BAD .....and I kept trying to squeeze my butt-cheeks together....you know - to keep it from 'prairie-doggin' and stuff.  Well - this lasted for about an hour, then I started getting the cold sweats and not feeling so good ...(...you know....from holding it in and all....)..........at one point I started to feel nauseated ....in fact - I can't be sure, but I think I passed out at my desk for a minute!   I decided that I needed to do something....and FAST.....SO I tried using my 'mental telepathy ninja skills' on him to make him think he had to go somewhere else, thus getting him out of the office.......(...I kept trying to project thoughts into his mind - like:  "ED - You need to LEAVE the office!"....."ED - You have to go downtown to get some lunch!".....or "ED - You need to run home and get your mail!"....or "ED - YOU NEED TO GET THE H*LL OUT OF THE FLIPPIN' OFFICE...LIKE RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW - BEFORE I EXPLODE!"....).....but that didn't work!   Finally....I just couldn't take it anymore....I was sop and wet from sweat.......on the verge of losing consciousness again.....(.....from holding my poop in for so long..).....So I grabbed a few pieces of out-going mail and told him I had to go to the post office to get these letters out ....and by God - I think he bought it!   Little did he know - instead of going to the post office - I went straight to the 'McDonalds' downtown - headed right to the public restroom and did my business.   And let me tell you - It wasn't pretty.......     Well - to Hell with that, my friends.........nope - not putting myself through that again.....EVER......

So, anyway....(...back to my original story....)......today I was taking my daily poop and low and behold - "CLOGGAGE"  (Surprise.........) The rest is as follows:
I open the door to the bathroom having discovered my toilet problem and hollar upstairs to my co-worker, Chris: 
ME:   "Chris, Are we the only ones in the office right now?  I freakin' clogged the toilet again!"
(laughter from upstairs)
(.....plunging....)
(....plunging....)
ME:  "I'm gonna try flushing it again - but I think it's going to overflow!"
(more laughter from upstairs)
(....plunging....)
(......FLUSH........)
ME:  "SHIT....I DID IT.......It's freakin' overflowing......there's poop water going all over.......damn-it.......I TOLD YOU this was gonna happen!"
(...more laughter from upstairs.....)
(.....more plunging...)
(...more plunging.....)
Chris:  (...hollering down to me from upstairs...) "You gotta plunge it really hard to get it to go down, Jenny!"
(....more plunging...)
(.....more plunging....)
ME: "Ok..........Good.........there it goes........I've got it.........it flushed.........did you hear me?.........we're all set..........it's okay now!"
(....laughter from upstairs....)
ME:  "Why does this SHIT always just happen to me, anyway?"
Chris: (...hollering down to me from upstairs....) "It doesn't, Jenny ....it happens to me sometimes too......I just don't broadcast it to the entire office!"
                      (.....well I'll be damned.....)
(photo courtesy of the internet)

Today's my birthday, I 'drunk dialed' my Boss, and 'Robo-Cop' doesn't understand why I keep peanut butter in my glove compartment....

1.) Today is my birthday!   Normally I'd be telling you all to go out and buy me presents and tell me how 'fabulous' and 'young' I look for my age....................but then I thought about it..............and that's shit you should be doing for me and telling me on a daily basis anyway..........not just on my birthday, people!  (What is wrong with you guys, anyway?)

2.)  I woke up this weekend (Sunday morning - to be exact) and asked HairyMan if it was a dream or did I really get drunk last night and 'drunk dial' my boss?!  (To which HairyMan replied: "NO, Hun....it wasn't a dream, you REALLY DID 'drunk text' your boss!")

3.) I've decided that I'm gonna go out and buy a garden gnome, tie it to a tree and let my dog pee on it daily!

4.) My friend Chris brought a cake to work today in honor of my birthday........and by 11:00am, I had already eaten half of it!  

5.) You all know how I keep peanut butter in the glove compartment of my car?  Well, try explaining that to a cop, when he asks you what's in the Peanut Butter Jar that he thinks I'm hiding in the glove compartment.............
Robo Cop:  'Ma'ma, what's in the peanut butter jar, ma'ma?"  
ME: (.....with a stupid look on my face.....staring at him in silence for a moment.....like he's some kind of idiot for asking....)  "Seriously?     .....uh........hellllloooo...........peanut butter!" (...and I say it like it's something everybody normally has in the glove compartment....) 
Robo Cop: "Ma'ma, why do you have peanut butter in your glove compartment?" 
ME:  "Do you think I'm fat?" ....(starting to get irritated because he must think I'm some kind of heffer who hides food in my car...)  ....(...which I am.....and I do.....but that's besides the point...)  "Sometimes I get hungry, officer!"   "And I like to be prepared when the hunger panes strike!"   "You see, peanut butter doesn't go bad so I can store it in my car without it molding or getting rancid......do you think that's weird?"  "And please don't call me Ma'ma....it makes me feel old!"  "I also keep plastic spoons in my console, if you must know!"    

Happy Freakin' Friday, People!

Alright……..enough already about the parasitic problems in my head……looks like they’ve taken care of themselves on their own...thank you very much, my friends.....   And I realize now that the ‘parasitic worms’ and ‘nesting tarantula hatchlings’ were just a figment of my imagination and I have to admit that they WERE NEVER REAL, and they NEVER REALLY EXISTED!   (....at least that's what I keep telling myself.....until the voices in my head start telling me otherwise..........)


Oh, and my good friend, Sherri - over at "The Mess that is my Mind" talked me into rubbing 'Cat Piss' all over my body!

Well, hey…..she told me that Cat Pee repels garden gnomes and since Sherri and I are ‘Blogging BFF’s’ and all….    (….well, Sherri doesn’t really know that we’re best friends….....BUT WE ARE..........I don't care what SHE SAYS - WE ARE, Damn it!)

....(…kinda like most of my friends don’t really know that they’re my best friends….)....

....(…they just play along with me…because they don’t want to hurt my feeling……either that or they’re scared of me…….) ...

....I’m just sayin’…….

So NOW I’m walking around smelling like Cat Piss ……..and my dog keeps trying to have sex with my leg!

              

No more Worms and Spiders...thank you very much!

I had just gotten used to the fact that I have parasitic worms living in my eyeball and my teeth gums and now my good friend, Porscha, has got me thinking about tarantulas nesting in my head!  Her exact words were in fact:   "Freaky about the swelling thing.    Sounds like some type of odd allergy - or tarantulas nesting.   I've heard of them doing that in cacti - maybe they're doing it in YOU now!"  

What the H*LL!   Now I can't stop thinking about baby tarantulas crawling around in my eye sockets and teeth gums.......  ...(...thanks, Porscha..by the way..)

And NO my good friends.....I HAVEN'T went to the 'freakin' doctor yet.......... (.......simply because if I go to the doctor and tell him that I think I have worms and spiders living in my head, he might commit me!.........)...........

  Hey....my eyes are back to normal now and my tooth gum is NOT red, puffy, throbbing  and/or inflamed ANYMORE!   So it looks like my little parasitic problems have mended on their own.......(.....with the help of Benadryl, Motrin, Prozac and Vodka ..........thank you very much, my friends...)        OR.... maybe because I may have imagined the whole worm/spider story to begin with and it's probably safe to say I never really had worms and spiders living in my head to begin with.  

But if that's the case..........(.......and I don't have worms and spiders living in my head after all.......)..... then I ask you:   "Where are the voices coming from - that talk to me in my head?" 

Letters from Jenny.........Beauty Sleep, Hybrid Panther Cats and I look like "Monkey Butt"!

OK, girlfriends….it was great spending time with you guys, I’ll give you that!  But I seriously can’t believe that I looked at the clock last night and it was almost 2AM……guess it was a good thing I went to bed when I did.   NOTE: 5:30AM came way too early this morning!   …………(just thought I’d let you know - since you two bitches were still in bed when I left the house, because neither of YOU TWO had to work today......)     I did happen to hit snooze for about 40 minutes before I actually got out of bed this morning…………..… but that was after your stupid cat (who I still believe isn’t really a cat at all, but a ‘miniature hybrid panther’ judging from the size of the animal.............) …...decided to cough up hairballs for ½ hour outside my bedroom door at 4AM.  (.......it took me everything I had to not light the freakin' thing on fire.........I'm just sayin'..........) So after hitting the snooze button for 40 minutes, I finally jumped out of bed and realized I had about 5 minutes to get ready for work.  I tripped over your pet panther on my way to the bathroom (about putting my eye out and dislocating my knee.)  I did appreciate your hospitality of leaving the kitchen light on so I would be able to see while I was getting around this morning.  I made it to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, applied deodorant, threw on my clothes and headed out of the bathroom only to find someone had gotten up in the 3 1/2 minutes that it took me to get ready in the bathroom to shut ALL the freakin’ lights off in the house.  “WTF?” Are you kidding me?  Were you people just trying to “F*CK” with me?  Were you behind your bedroom doors covering your mouths to stifle your laughs while I tripped over the ‘pet panther cat’ and cussed while trying to find my way around your house with my arms outstretched in the pitch dark like a blind woman who had lost her cane?   Evidently no one in your house has ever heard of a little invention called a ‘NIGHT LIGHT’.    I did decide to use my cell phone screen as a make-shift flashlight, I  made it outside to my car, which you so graciously let me park in your garage, (......but you did forget to tell me where the freakin’ door opener was………thank you very much - friend.....) spent the next 5 minutes searching the walls of the garage for the garage door opener, which ended up being INSIDE your house door (who the freak puts the garage door button INSIDE the house)  Nobody…….heellloooooooo!     Once my car was out of your garage, picture me spending the next 7 minutes attempting to close the garage door by pushing the button and running to try to make it under the door before it closed….(.......yeah...close your eyes....see it in your mind, will you.......)........well, it didn’t work…......some idiot decided to put a little feature in THIS garage door that prevents it from closing when I run under it............GENIOUS, I TELL YOU............I pretty much thought I'd pass out from all that running back and forth......…at this point let the damn garage door come down and crush me...........I already have a bum eye and limp from falling over the pather, remember?  (Oh and my car thermometer registered a whopping 2 degrees outside this morning friends...good thing I was working up a sweat running back and forth under the damn garage door)   …….That's when I realized I didn’t put my car in park as I watched it begin to roll down your driveway.   OMG…….ARE YOU KIDDING ME!   Sorry, closing the garage door just didn’t seem too important to me right then……..”In fact – SCREW THE GARAGE DOOR………Now picture me running down the driveway toward my car........good thing I'm up to date with my 'Chuck Norris moves 'making it easier for me to slip inside and hit the brakes before my car backed down into the ditch.   (It's actually a miracle that I didn’t kill myself this morning, now that I think about it)  I have a headache right now and I about fell asleep on my way to work…….. I kept slapping myself across the face and hanging my arm out the window to keep me awake for the 1 ½ hour drive.  And for future reference – you should know that I require a minimum of 7 hours of beauty sleep to maintain my fabulous hot-ness on a daily basis!.......  So make a note!  (3 hours of sleep just doesn’t cut it anymore!)  I just looked in the mirror and I look like 'MONKEY ASS' today!  I have absolutely no makeup on, I forgot to comb my hair and I just noticed my shirt was on inside out!  And something stinks .............and I can't be sure, but it might be me!  (It's another miracle that they allow me to work here looking like this!)  Oh yeah…..and did I mention on my 1 1/2 hour drive to work this morning that I was about ready to stab a fork in the eyeball of the guy who decided to tailgate me for a 40 mile stretch of highway (with his ‘High Beams’ on………thank you very much, Jack-ass)  ….because apparently 60 miles an hour isn’t fast enough to drive at 6AM in the morning ………. pitch dark outside, trying to dodge deer and all the other objects that were in my vision due to my night blindness, and on top of that it was snowing SIDEWAYS outside, you moron!    Anyway.......Love you Kelly and Mary!  How was your freakin' morning? 

Where's my 'FREAKIN' Banana?

This morning I grabbed a banana to eat on the way to work and half way to work  - it went MISSING!  (YES, when I reached into the passenger seat to grab it - IT WAS GONE!)

So .....I spent the next 10-15  minutes looking all over my 'freakin' car for the blasted banana and it's a miracle I made it to work in one piece, what with me swerving all over the road and all............(evidentally my 'Super Human Hunting Skills' weren't working this morning at 7AM, Damnit!)

So I'm sitting here at work ............. hungry for my stinkin' banana.....(............yeah........ while I'm supposed to be working, I know)............. (hey DON'T judge me!) ..........trying to figure out what could have happened to the infamous 'Breakfast Banana':

1) Maybe I left it on the counter in the house and forgot to even bring it in the car with me in the first place.

2) OR....Maybe I dropped it in the garage on my way to the car.

3) OR....It may have fallen under my seat in my car while I was driving and wasn't looking ...(so if sooner or later my car suddenly get this strange infestation of fruit flies ..........well, I'm just saying)  Altho, what smells better in my car?  Rotten Banana or Dirty Ass..............you tell me!

Actually .....maybe I tossed it ON MY 'drivers side car seat' before I sat down, and then, without looking, SAT ON IT!   (...altho wouldn't I know if I had a banana lodged in my butt-crack!?)    

OR 4) Maybe I'm an idiot and I DID EAT IT on the way to work after all, and I just don't remember eating it……..but then ............I really don’t ever remember rolling down my window and throwing the banana peel out the window into the ditch, which is what I normally do with my banana peels and apple cores    (hey, they're biodegradable and the animals eat them, don't they?)    (banana peels and apple cores out the window isn't littering is it?  'Cause I am so NOT INTO littering, my friends............and if it IS considered littering, I would have to re-think my 'peels and cores' out the window routine!)

.....................Well........a few hours have passed, and I still can't figure out where my DAMN BANANA is.............

............SO........... let me know if ANYONE FINDS IT, will you?! 

I DON'T DO BLOOD!

I DON'T DO BLOOD! Plain and simple! The sight of blood makes me pass out. It always has. And it's gotten worse as I've gotten older.


I could tell you many a story......... about how my daughter Brooke got a terrible bloody nose and I had to retreat myself to the living room and put my head between my legs and take deep breaths.


.....or how my son, Brad, cut his leg open while climbing on a dock while swimming with his cousin, Kevin, and Kevin was the one that had to help Brad up about 120 stairs while I followed behind, white as a ghost, ready to throw up.


......or maybe when I was driving to work one morning and managed to shut my own fingers in the drivers side window WHILE driving down the road, I had to pull over in some random parking lot, get out of my car, get down on my hands and knees to control my breathing so that I wouldn't lose consciousness.


.......oh yes, and the wonderful story about how I passed out in the high school bleachers at one of Brooke's basketball games when one of her team mates, Courtney King, fell during a game and broke her nose.

Well, get ready, because it gets better............... last night was the big daddy of them all.

Let me just start by saying that I am far from a hypochondriac, I'm pretty good at handling pain, and I would never call on anyone to help me with a situation unless I thought it was totally necessary. I am also not a huge fan of hospitals and doctors offices. (There's way too many sick people in these places.) I'm a person who would never go to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. And I'm a mother who would never take their child to the doctor for a runny nose and cough or fever or anything like that if I felt is wasn't serious.

So with that said, here's my story:

Last night, I basically dropped a wine glass on my wrist and sliced my wrist wide open. It immediately started gushing blood. Unfortunately, I was the only one home at the time and I couldn't get the bleeding to stop and in a nutshell, I pretty much freaked out! There was blood ALL over, and I started getting weak and light headed. I began feeling the need to vomit and I started getting dizzy. Then my arms started tingling and I started losing the feeling in my hands.

Everything would have been just fine if the stupid slash across my wrist would have just stopped bleeding for crying out loud. Even as I applied pressure to the little wound on my wrist, the blood wouldn't stop pouring out! So then, you know me.......I'm thinking that I'm going to pass out and bleed to death. I had no idea if I had cut a major artery or something and from the amount of blood streaming from my right wrist, it was hard for me to think otherwise.

I thought about calling a friend to come over and help me....yes, I would call Heather and she would calm me down, get the bleeding to stop, clean up my wound, wrap it up with a clean towel and then she could drive me to the hospital for stitches. And I even TRIED to call her, but my fingers weren't cooperating, I couldn't remember her phone numbers and I kept dropping the phone. And what good was Heather going to do, if I indeed had cut a major artery and she couldn't get the bleeding to stop anyway? It would be more time wasted waiting for her to drive the 10 minutes to my house, only to have to either call someone else or take me to the hospital which would be another 10 minutes of me losing more of my precious blood! So after several attempts to dial Heathers stupid phone number and with one last look under my blood soaked towel to see the blood STILL oozing from my wound with no indication of an end in sight, I did what I thought was the only smart thing to do.....I dialed 911.

So here I am, lying on my dining room floor, face up with my legs up resting on a chair, covered in blood, trying to hang on to the phone, apply pressure to the cut, talk to the nice 911 operator, hyperventilating and moaning, all at the same time. And hoping my daughter doesn't walk in and see me on the floor in a pool of blood before the ambulance gets to my house.

Oh, and I almost forgot, while all of this is going on, my little dog Max is by my side, licking up the blood from the floor and making nice little bright red paw prints all over my house.

Well, with all that said and done, the ambulance ended up arriving in no time at all. The nice ambulance people settled me down, and took me to the hospital where I got a big "3" stitches in my wrist which I am hoping will leave a nice big scar to remind me of what an idiot I am.

Yes............. after countless apologizing to both the ambulance technicians and the hospital staff , who by the way treated me wonderfully and did their best to convince me that I HAD did the right thing by calling 911. The doctor said I had not hit a major artery, but simply cut a smaller artery and he did assure me that the bleeding would have stopped eventually. And although I did lose a lot of blood, I didn't come close to losing a dangerous amount, Thank God!

And that's it, that's the end of my story................after getting a tetanus shot and sending me home, here I am. I can laugh about it now, but looking back, I was honestly scared!

I have never been so scared in my entire life and I truly thought I was going to die.....to bleed to death on my dining room floor. I'm so thankful that my little wound wasn't as serious as I had thought it was, or that it could have been.

Last night was the first time I have ever been in an ambulance, and lets just hope I don't have to be in one ever again!

Getting the Giggles

I can honestly say that I have the greatest job in the world! I work side by side with one of my best friends, Chris. We are secretaries in an office at an exterminating company. (We get rid of household bugs!) Chris has been employed by this company for 8 years, and I've been here for 7 years. And through-out the past 7 years, we've gotten close and formed a strong friendship.

Our boss's honestly "ROCK!" On Fridays, we can drink cocktails after 3PM. (No....... the purpose is not to get sloshed and totally out of control drunk, but simply to unwind after a long busy week by sipping a little cocktail or two.) Our drink of choice is normally "Sparks." Which is how I came up with my catch-phrase: "Sparks Time"

So here we are at work and it's 3PM on Friday. Chris and I are all pumped up to drink Margaritas today. (We've decided that we're taking a break from the sparks thing, this week.) On this particular day, I had brought some pre-mixed margarita's to work with me this morning......................you know how I like to be prepared. (For those of you who don't know me well, you'll never catch me in the forest without a flashlight and a jack knife.)

Well....margarita number 1 went down way too fast and so we refilled our cups (we use coffee cups, so those people who don't need to know we're actually partaking in an alcoholic beverage at work, won't have a clue.) And keep in mind we're drinking them without the lemons and the salt on the rim. (You can't be too obvious, of course!) So now we are on drink number 2 ..........went down pretty good, we're both getting the giggles and feeling like "fun-girl wannabes."

So I'm pouring drink number 3 into our coffee mugs and I just happened to glance at the "margarita - plastic - 2 liter bottle" (this is an important part, so you'll want to pay attention.) The bottle is now 3/4 of the way gone by now, and yes, you can guess what appeared in little block letters on the side of the bottle.

"NON-ALCOHOLIC MIX"

This morning when I went to my fridge to pull out the pre-mixed margarita bottle, it appears that I grabbed the non-alcoholic bottle instead, (unknown to me).

So apparently Chris and I are not as drunk as we think we are!