Weight Watchers vs. Banana Bread

Yesterday I was going to start

Weight Watchers......

...Today I ate an ENTIRE loaf of

Banana Bread

.........that's all I have to say

about that!

Want an Oreo? Too late - I ate them ALL!

I ate a whole package of Oreo's on the way

to work this morning!  Not a mini-pack ..............

a full '3 sleeve large pack!' 

Random Pondering........

1.) I definitely need a refresher course on baby lullaby’s….  I found myself rocking and singing a very poorly sung rendition of Bob Seger’s ‘Turn the Page’ to my little grandson, Logan, the other night……
 

2.) I love TWITTER………although I don’t really think anyone pays any attention to any of my tweets….....(...and I have some pretty kick-ass tweet, my friends......)…oh, well…… In my own little world, people – I’m one popular Bitch!

 

3.) Lately, I'm obsessed with coming up with new ways to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.   I've been busy on my preparedness list and making my survival kit...........I've told Hairyman a million times that we need a fall out/survival shelter under our house ............he just rolls his eyes at me as if I'm a moron!   ....(....Yeah.....we'll see who's laughing when the Zombies come calling.....).....

 

4.) Mondays?  I HATE MONDAYS…..they usually suck!   But actually I’m having a great day today!   ……(….although, it could be the Vodka and the Vivarin…)…(....I'm just sayin'......)

                                                                       

Today's my birthday, I 'drunk dialed' my Boss, and 'Robo-Cop' doesn't understand why I keep peanut butter in my glove compartment....

1.) Today is my birthday!   Normally I'd be telling you all to go out and buy me presents and tell me how 'fabulous' and 'young' I look for my age....................but then I thought about it..............and that's shit you should be doing for me and telling me on a daily basis anyway..........not just on my birthday, people!  (What is wrong with you guys, anyway?)

2.)  I woke up this weekend (Sunday morning - to be exact) and asked HairyMan if it was a dream or did I really get drunk last night and 'drunk dial' my boss?!  (To which HairyMan replied: "NO, Hun....it wasn't a dream, you REALLY DID 'drunk text' your boss!")

3.) I've decided that I'm gonna go out and buy a garden gnome, tie it to a tree and let my dog pee on it daily!

4.) My friend Chris brought a cake to work today in honor of my birthday........and by 11:00am, I had already eaten half of it!  

5.) You all know how I keep peanut butter in the glove compartment of my car?  Well, try explaining that to a cop, when he asks you what's in the Peanut Butter Jar that he thinks I'm hiding in the glove compartment.............
Robo Cop:  'Ma'ma, what's in the peanut butter jar, ma'ma?"  
ME: (.....with a stupid look on my face.....staring at him in silence for a moment.....like he's some kind of idiot for asking....)  "Seriously?     .....uh........hellllloooo...........peanut butter!" (...and I say it like it's something everybody normally has in the glove compartment....) 
Robo Cop: "Ma'ma, why do you have peanut butter in your glove compartment?" 
ME:  "Do you think I'm fat?" ....(starting to get irritated because he must think I'm some kind of heffer who hides food in my car...)  ....(...which I am.....and I do.....but that's besides the point...)  "Sometimes I get hungry, officer!"   "And I like to be prepared when the hunger panes strike!"   "You see, peanut butter doesn't go bad so I can store it in my car without it molding or getting rancid......do you think that's weird?"  "And please don't call me Ma'ma....it makes me feel old!"  "I also keep plastic spoons in my console, if you must know!"    

Pretending I'm a Vampire....oh, and Poop!

I'm gonna make this short..............just wanted you to know what I've been thinking about today:

Last night while I was busy walking around my house - pretending that I was a Vampire..........I heard a knock on the door. Somehow I had CONVINCED MYSELF that the man at the door was a ‘Vampire Slayer’ (….yeah, I get paranoid like that when I get in character…….) I never DID answer the door….(….just so you know….)…….I just stood there - inside the door, carefully hidden - with my 'nunchucks' in hand - peaking outside from behind the window curtain - so that I could keep track of his where-a-bouts ...(....I was afraid he may sneak aournd back and come in for a surpise attack ...)..... I can’t be sure, but I think he ended up being a Jehovah Witness because there was an ‘I Love Jesus!’ pamphlet in the door this morning.




I ate an entire ‘block’ of Colby-Jack Cheese for my lunch today.



Am I the only one – that every time I take a poop – I feel like I need to take a shower? ……(………..hellloooooo……..is doesn’t matter how many toilet paper squares or wet wipes I use……..I just don’t feel like I’ve cleaned myself good enough………) .......(..I'm just sayin'.....)....

.......you can't be expecting too much outta this BLOG.......okay?

Sunflower Seeds, My Flying Monkeys, and the UPS Man!

My Day today, you ask?
……..my hair looks like SHIT today (just so you know)……maybe I should wash it………… (I can only wear it in a bun so many days, right?)   .......I’m gonna have to spend the day avoiding PRETTY people…………..and spend the day standing next to UGLY people ………..(to make myself look better, you know?!)

………I’m seriously addicted to ‘Sunflower Seeds’…I eat them all the time………….not just ANY sunflower seeds – BUT ‘Ranch-Flavored’ sunflower seeds! Seriously….once you try the Ranch – you won’t go back to the original flavored…………….isn’t that some kind of saying or something?    “Once you go Ranch, you’ll never go back!” 
…………I spent WAY too much money at a “Pure Romance” party last week and HairyMan’s gonna kill me when he finds out!   (………..now I’m gonna have to bribe him with SEXUAL favors again ………Good Lord!)

…………I’m not really having a great day today………….I mean, I hate to complain and all………but seriously, people are pissing me off left and right today……….I’m about ready to release my ‘Flying Monkeys’………….."Fly, My Pretties, Fly!"

…………..and I'm pretty sure I have a CRUSH on the UPS man…………(I'm just sayin')

Listen........"Mr. Annoying Telemarketer".............

OM'Freakin'Gosh.......ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Listen ‘Mr. Annoying Telemarketer’…….. if you want to talk to the person in charge of making decisions for our company, you’ll have to tell me what kind of decisions your asking to be made……….PERIOD……..END OF CONVERSATION……......now leave me alone, butt-wipe!

ME:  "Good Morning, may I help you?" (........this morning, at work..........in my most 'cheery' professional voice, of course)

Mr. Annoying: “Can I talk to the owner of the business, please?”

ME: “May I ask what this is regarding?”

Mr. Annoying: “I need to talk to the person in charge of making decisions for your company.”

ME: (.....here we go........) “What kinds of decisions?”

Mr. Annoying: “Ma’am, I’m only able to talk to the person who is authorized to make decisions for the company.” (sounding a bit annoyed)

ME: “What kinds of decisions, sir?” (......yes........two can play this game, people.....)

Mr. Annoying: “Is there an owner available that I can talk to?”

ME: “You’ll need to tell me what the decisions are regarding, so I know who it is that you need to talk to.”

Mr. Annoying: “Are YOU authorized to make decisions for the company?” (....trust me......I'm NOT making this up.........this is the actual conversation.........)

ME: “You haven’t really explained what decision needs to be made…..so……I haven’t a clue if I’m authorized.” 

…click…………………….he 'stinkin' hangs up on me………….unbelievable!

Seriously................and they wonder why I'm SUCH A BITCH at work?
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

The Sprinkler System 'Sucks', the "Jerry Springer Show" and what's the Freak up with Heidi Fleiss?

OK..........I'm just sitting here thinking today..........(try to keep up with my randomness, people)....

First of all......the sprinkler system at our office where I work is so 'Fricked up'....it comes on ALL OF THE TIME............ (needless to say, my bosses lawn looks spectacular.............greenest yard in town.............)........like for instance -right now- looking out the windows, from my desk - the sprinklers are ON - and it's RAINING outside ...........(this really drives me nuts, by the way)..................in fact one of the sprinklers is set up to spray the driveway......(not really sure why)................AND.......... on my way into the office - walking up the sidewalk this morning.........what happens?............the sprinklers come on................and start spraying me.......on the sidewalk........................(doing a total number on my hair, I might add!..............) So basically it's either the rabid birds or the watering system that's got it out for me each morning of my life.............(does anyone else have these problems?).....................(..oh, and, those DAMN "Garden Gnomes!")


AND.............................has anyone watched 'Sober House w/Dr Drew' lately? Is it just me or is Heidi Fleiss an absolute freak? (...I'm just sayin'.................)


................AND...........HairyMan and I are into watching "Jerry Springer" now.........(yes, really....I'm serious) ........... if you people think YOU have problems...................just watch one episode of 'Jerry Springer!' We watch it because it's soooo freakin' funny........................where do they find these people, anyway............................most of them don't have teeth.......and if they aren't sportin' 'mullets'.....their probably 'bald, inbred, transvestite strippers' or '400 pound women wearing tube tops with spandex'....................(hopefully I'm not affending anyone, by the way).....................oh wait..... I got it..........most of them probably came from my friend, 'City Girl's', neighborhood over at "Mudflap Bubba's".............(...by the way, if you haven't been to 'Mudflap Bubba's' site, go check her out at http://mudflapbubbas.blogspot.com/ ..............she's one funny chick...................if you think I'm funny - you're gonna love her!)

Oh, and since 'HairyMan' and me are into Jerry Springer now........we're planning our next vacation around a trip to Connecticut ..........so we can go to a LIVE taping of the "Jerry Springer Show!" ...................'Jerry'...........'Jerry'..............'Jerry'..................'Jerry'................

AND........speaking of "Heidi's".....I know 'Heidi Montag' is 'Hot' and all right now with her new artificial look that she's got goin' on........(she's 23 years old for gosh sakes)..........but I just watched her doing an interview............and the girl has ISSUES! Someone needs to tell her it's not all about Heidi....................It's all about ME!......................hellllloooooooooooooooo.......

Anyway...........so the speakers broke on my computer at work a few days ago .............. so I CAN'T listen to my 'YouTube' list on the Internet right now. And that's got me a little agitated, because I work better with music on in the background around this joint!
Photo courtesy of the Jerry Springer Show.

I'm Freezing, The Birds are Inner-Mingling, and My Thumb is Raw....

Today I’m full of ANXIETY………I don’t know why (I haven’t even had any Red Bull or Vivarin today) ................ I just can’t sit still…………maybe the fact that the sun is shining yet ANOTHER day in a row and I’m cooped up inside my little cubicle...…..freezing to death………because my boss insists on keeping it about 40 degrees in this office! (Yes, remember my boss that carries the ‘man purse’ ……..that’s the one……….)

I’m watching the birds outside eating the suet and frolicking absentmindedly amongst themselves and I’m waiting for one of them to lose their sense of flight and come crashing thru the window and scare the ‘FREAK’ out of me……..…….and for the last couple of days - I’ve been seeing a cardinal paying a little TOO much ATTENTION to a Chickadee and I’m beginning to think they’re having an AFFAIR………because they’re spending way TOO MUCH time together and getting a little TOO close to one another – if you know what I mean……………………

I’ve got a pimple on my chin that looks like ‘Mount St Helens’ and despite all my picking and squeezing, I’m sure it’s gonna erupt ANY moment and spray ‘Pimple Puss’ all over everything……and everyone ……….(get out your goggles and raincoats people…..it’s gonna be worse than sitting in the front row of a Gallagher show……..)

I ate all the skin off of one side of my RIGHT thumb yesterday so now that side is all ‘raw and fleshy and throbbing’……and every time I use the SPACEBAR on my keyboard an ‘eye blinding pain’ shoots up the side of my thumb into my wrist and I go numb………….so I’m trying to

type – using my LEFT thumb to operate the spacebar instead off my RIGHT thumb…………..and I’m starting to get PISSED off……….do you know how hard it is to type using only ONE THUMB?

Now I have a headache................

I sat on a Banana, my lips are chapped and I hate Macy Gray!

OMGosh.....here's how my days going so far:

First of all I SAT on a BANANA this morning ..........it was in the seat of my car as I sat down.........(on second thought - let's not even TALK about THAT right now!)

I think I pulled a muscle in my eye.......it started hurting last night.......(how that

happened - I'm not quite sure..........) .......but my RIGHT EYE hurts when I LOOK out of it..................which has been happening all day - so far (looking out of it - that is)..........it's a little INCONVENIENT for me right now.....................................SERIOUSLY! (NOTE TO SELF: I need to buy an 'Eye Patch!')

My lips are CHAPPED...........they're all scaly and peeling.......they feel like I rubbed them on sand paper all night..........they pretty much look like SH_T right now................. (I don't think I've EVER had chapped lips in my ENTIRE LIFE) ........................ (NOTE TO SELF: Buy Chap stick...............Immediately!)

OH Yeah.......and I ate 6 donuts on the way to work this morning............and washed them down with 2 quarts of cranberry juice!

And I've decided that I seriously dislike "Macy Gray!"

OMGauwd...........I just walked by a mirror and caught a glance at myself...........my lips look like swollen clown lips with 3rd degree burns.............and I think my right eye is now larger than my left eye right now...............and I've now got a nervous twitch ....................are you kidding me....................

Actually, I'm not feeling too well today...........it could be the donuts that I inhaled on my way to work....................or it could be from all the envelopes that I've been licking all morning............(you know.........the glue?).............(I'm definitely calling in sick tomorrow!)

RIP: Corey Haim: 1971 - 2010

Have You Ever Wednesday

Now that I'm getting into this blogging thing...........I'm creating a new post for Wednesdays.............it will be called "Have You Ever Wednesday"......... So ...........here is the first installment: .............(and yes I know that it's Thursday today, BUT I forgot to do this yesterday.........so this weeks rendition is TODAY instead of YESTERDAY..........I'll get it right starting next week! On Wednesday!

Have you ever baked your husband a cake while he was at work……........……then ate half of it…….......…….and you didn’t want him to know that you ate HALF a cake………........……so you ate the OTHER half of the cake…….......…….and then you washed the pan………….......….because you didn’t want your husband to know you ate an ENTIRE cake…………..and you never told him you made a cake!

(..........is it any wonder I'm FAT!?..............hhhellllllooooooo..........)

Photo courtesy of the internet.

My day - in 5 minute.......

First of all, let me begin by saying: “I had an awesome ‘hair-day’ today”……….I almost wore my ‘fake $15.00 Wal-Mart hair’ today, but decided against it (since I was lookin’ so good in my OWN hair!) I also wore my sexy new ‘$8.00 Family Dollar blouse’ today and I was SMOKIN’ - ladies………….. showin’ a little cleavage, just the right amount of jewelry and sporting my heels. (Boy – I looked HOT today................I’m actually getting myself a little ‘worked up’ just thinking about myself!) .........whew...........

I ate three quarters of a loaf of ‘French cheesy bread’ on the way to work this morning …then downed it with a Red Bull! (...................basically, I'm a hog!)

I got a little 'lippy' with my boss today....(my bad) .......sometimes I forget that I'm not the one in charge...............silly me...............

I'm addicted to McDonald "Mac Snack Wraps"

I got home from work today and painted my bathroom……………...what a waste of a good HOTNESS day …………….. my hubby should've taken me out tonight instead (since I was looking so fabulous today) – instead of making me paint the bathroom! (…..especially, if he wanted to get ‘lucky’ later!)

Decided that I better go shopping to buy some new bras............(my boobs must be getting bigger!) Or my bras are shrinking! ...........(maybe TMI!!)

Oh, and I'm back to drinking Red Bulls and Sparks again...............(will I ever learn?..............Answer: I don't think so..............)

Happy Monday!

I absolutely HATE Mondays.........maybe it's because I know there's four more long days I have to got to work until Friday gets here again! (And I LOVE Fridays!) (and I LOVE weekends!) I seriously contemplated calling in sick today, but decided against it! (Basically I'm a chicken Shit!)

I'm so tired today (probably because I'm fat and lazy and have no ambition) (and I forgot my vivarin) (and I ate 6 donuts on the way to work) and I can't wait to get home, put on my pj's and 'veg' the rest of the night!

Too make a long story - short.........I'll bore you with a few of my weekends highlights:

....................went to my daughters cheer leading competition (they got first, by the way)............ate too much skin off my thumbs (one of my bad habits, I eat the skin off my thumbs) - now they're raw and throbbing, and I think I see nerve............I preformed some seductive dancing on 'Heathers Den-Bench' (almost fell thru the window when I got caught up in my freaky dirty dancing moves)..................way too many tequila shots.................I embarrassed my husband (which normally happens on a consistent basis) .......... pulled a muscle in my shoulder (from dancing - yes, I'm out of shape and pathetic)..............had drunken wild-monkey sex (with my husband) - then immediately stepped in Max's dog-shit......................won 3 out of 4 games at bean bags (that's got to be a record, since we never win!)............road trip to 'FunGirl and Sexy's' for the Superbowl.......................who am I gonna root for?...............(who has the hottest players?)................... husband backseat driving in the passenger seat on the way home (really pissing me off)............4 messages on the answering machine when we get home........3 messages on Rob's cellphone............................ a call from a friend and I won $500.00 on the game ............celebration shots for everyone..............

Not looking forward to Monday..........maybe I'll call in sick!

Thought of the Day..............

Just some Friday Ramblings...........

It’s Friday (my favorite day of the week) and I’m feeling wonderful. I have a new hairdo and the vivarin’s kickin’ in, girlfriends………….

Generally, I’m always in a good mood on Fridays! Maybe it has something to do with “3 o’clock - Sparks time!” ……………and speaking of energy, I’ve decided to stay away from the energy drinks for a while! It has just come to my attention how much SUGAR is in a can of one of these. (Heeelllllooooo………. I’m just now figuring this out? ……….Yes, I’m an idiot!) Maybe that’s why I’m not losing any weight! If I count up all the sugar that I’ve been consuming in the last few months! A lot of good its doing me - eating all these salads, when I wash them down with a Red Bull, right?......................am I really this stupid? Apparently I am!

Typically, I drink an average of two of these things a day………..either Red Bull or Amp.

(…….. I like Red Bull better, but Amp is cheaper!)

I pride myself that I’m not a “soda drinker”……….. I very seldom drink a pop! ..............But let’s see ……….aren‘t I defeating the purpose - by drinking energy drinks, since they’re basically the same thing as soda……….. but with more sugar......... and more energy……………it’s sort of like Mt Dew amplified about 10 times, right? So I’m only kidding myself by telling people that I don’t drink ‘Pop!’ Because in place of soda, I'm drinking Red Bull…………….oh, and that’s healthy………… and better for me! ......NOT!

So I’ve made it my personal mission to stay away from Red Bull and Amp for a little while! And that’s where the ‘vivarin’ comes in! It’s my little “happy pill” of choice right now! It’s everything I need in a pill! It gives me energy! It curbs my hunger (hhheellllooooooo.......... huge plus!) It puts me in a good mood (………..who needs Prozac, when I can take this!) And it is sold over the counter - available at your nearest Wal-Mart or Walgreen’s! (How can this be legal!)

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah……..I know………this really can’t be healthy. But drinking energy drinks all of the time isn’t too healthy either, right! And eating an entire box of Oreos in one sitting isn’t too healthy for me either! And if you know me at all, you should know I don’t always use my head when it comes to some things!

So, we’re going to try this little magic pill for awhile! We’ll see how it goes and I’ll report back!