I Hate Porti-Johns!!

I have another "porti-potty story" for you guys.  (Cause’ you know I always have a good porti-potty story to tell you.) 

THIS STORY IS ABOUT PERIODS AND TAMPONS......YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!  (if you embarrass easily or don't want to hear about my period problems...you best not continue!)

Last year at the Christmas tree lot you’ll remember how I was in the porti-john squatting and peeing on a windy day and forgot to lock the porti-john and the door flew open on me – baring my all to the world...............

Well this year while at the tree lot we rented a porti-potty that had an OPEN FLOOR........ (the floor was grated and you could see the ground and grass under the grates)……evidently this helps air the thing out and prevents the floor from ever getting wet, right?  ..............Well, I happened to be on my period this particular day so I grabbed my tampon and headed into the porti-john.  (Keep in mind this is a regular size potty and there’s not much room.)  I also should tell you that this was my LAST TAMPON and I was bleeding from my crotch like a ‘stab wound to the abdomen’ victim.   So I’ve got my pants around my ankles, I squat to pee (yes, squatting…because there’s no way my butt is gonna make contact with the porti-potty toilet seat) ….I remove the used tampon and while in the process of removing the new tampon from out of its handy little convenient wrapper...... I FUMBLE.....and my new tampon falls out of the wrapper onto the floor of the porti-potty! (I’ll remind you that this particular porti-potty has NO FLOOR…..it has grates, remember?!)  So my tampon (the only one I have at the moment to get me thru the next few hours) has fallen thru the grates of the floor of the porti-john …………BUT….I’m in luck because I can SEE my tampon thru the floor (under the grates of the porti-potty!)  So I grab a huge gob of toilet paper (probably about 78 squares) and stuff it to my crotch…..pull up my underwear with the handful of tissue between my legs....and get down on my knees of the porti-john (kneeling on my shorts - on the bottom of the porti-potty grates) in hope of retrieving my ONLY tampon.   I’m in luck because my tampon has fallen on the side of the porti-potty that has grass so it’s propped up on a few blades and I'm fairly sure I can reach it……..I have to put my fingers thru the grates …..Close your eyes and picture this in your mind if you will:  Me .......on the floor of a disgusting, dirty 'porti-potty'……...in my underwear…..tissue jammed between my legs......kneeling on my shorts………my butt up in the air……..fingering the floor grates.........  "You get the picture??" 

BUT………. I AM able to retrieve the magic tampon from the bottom the the porti-john!  (Yes - There is a God!)  So needless to say I get back up off the floor…..blow the dirt and grass off my priceless tampon and "We're back in business, people!"

Nightmares and 'getting it on' with maniacal killers.......

I’ve had nightmares since I was little.  I remember crawling into my mom and dads bed at an early age - due to some evil dream I couldn’t get out of my mind.

The dreams are always the same.  I’m either being chased by tigers or bears, or chased by some maniacal killer (usually Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13^th series.)

Or, I dream of living in a huge Victorian house with many floors that’s full of beautiful furniture, but the house has either a cellar or an attic that is processed by an evil presence.  (….I don’t know what the evil is – it’s just there….)  This recurring nightmare is the worst of them….it scares me to the bone, even now - at my age...(...because, YES, I still have them....)  

 

Actually, eerily enough - my mom and I were talking months ago regarding this dream and she confessed that she has the same recurring nightmare of an evil presence in a big house……too weird…… (.....and what the H*LL do you think that means?)

 

The other day I was being chased by Jason Voorhees (…..in my dream, not in real life,…)… and I was running in and out of a house and through other peoples houses and I was running through fields and I came to a warehouse and I climbed up into the rafters to escape.   And Jason found me and started climbing up to the rafters to get me. 

When Jason finally catches up to me and is about to kill me, I ask him if he wants to have sex?  I figure if I give him ‘a little’, then he won’t kill me.    He doesn’t respond, but the next thing I know I’m having ‘wild crazy monkey sex’ with Jason Voorhees.

 

Really, people?.....SEX with Jason Voorhees?  What is WRONG WITH ME?

 

I definately HAVE ISSUES!  ......(........I'm just sayin'.................)

(Picture courtesy of the internet.)

I Binged, I peed my pants and have I told you how pathetic I am?

The following is an email that I sent to my friend Heather today:

 

I am such a loser........I just took a lunch and I binged again!      I could punch myself right in the face!    I ate a BBQ chicken sandwich and 3 onion wraps from the gas station, then I went to McDonalds and ate 4 chicken McNuggets and 1 McDonald Angus Mushroom and Swiss Wrap.    Now I feel miserable!  ....and I had to unbutton my pants....so now I'm sitting here at work with my pants undone and that's not the half of it..........

.......I tried to make myself sick when I got back to work but that didn't work.........while I had a finger down my throat.....bent over the toilet....dry-heaving -  I pissed myself!    So now I not only feel like a HOG - I smell like urine!             ......yes, I know I have issues, people!

PEEPS, anyone?

Am I the only one on this planet who doesn't like Easter Peeps?   I don't know what all the big deal IS with these things!  They're freakin' GROSS, people!  (...Is this what we really want your children eating?)

I did go out and buy some the other day just so I could go home and cut all their heads off!  I flushed the heads down the toilet and put their bodies down the garbage disposal! 

  ....(.....these things aren't like worms are they?  They're not gonna grow back their
appendages are they?  Like - are the heads in the toilet going to grow bodies and are
the bodies in the garbage disposal going to suddenly grow back heads?    I hope not........
...because I'm fairly certain they're gonna be pissed..........and I have enough
to worry about what with the gnomes and all!) 

Skin Rabies or Bot Flies...........

The other night (December 26, 2011) I woke up and I have a rash on my back and my chest…..(........not a pretty sight, let me TELL you.........)   I hunted for bed bugs and spiders but none could be found.  (I work for a pest control company, so I'm fairly confident that I DO know what I’m doing, yes!) 

So I’m 99 % sure I don’t have bed bugs and getting bit by a spider goes against everything that I’ve been taught through my job (..........meaning the chances of being bit by a spider are very rare in my neck of the woods.)

So what could my 'bites/ rash' BE you ask?

1.) In the middle of the night, someone could have took a 'straight pin' and poked me in the back and the boobs a few times…………(….altho, WHY anyone would do this – I’m not sure!)

2.) I used too much bleach while washing my bra out and I could be having a bad reaction to the excessive bleach in my bra!

3.) The little bites or holes in my skin are actually the wounds made from the pitch forks and ice picks of the dreaded garden gnomes that decided to attack me that night.

............or..............4.) Bot Flies

…………..I’m going with ‘Bot Flies’………yeah, I can't be sure........(......but I'm fairly certain........) that a few flies laid their eggs in my skin and now I have little 'bot fly larvae’s' growing in my back and on my boobs…...….I’m just sayin’……

(...actual photo of the bot flies in my skin......BUT they're not in my arm - they're in my back and boobs!)

..........I'll keep you posted on the little devils.........

(......the picture was actually taken from the internet, you fools!)

Imagine my surprise...........Garden Gnomes in MY yard!

I've been out of town for 3 weeks.  Imagine my surprise when I returned home to find my yard full of Garden Gnomes.   Yes ................. I'd like to thank the kind person who decided that it would be a hilarious idea to fill my yard with garden gnomes while I was away!

Just so you know ...... I WILL find you!  I don't know when and I don't know how - but I will find out who you are..............and I will hurt you!   .......(.....I'm just sayin'.........)..  

Tight Shorts and Camel Toe!

My shorts are definitely TOO TIGHT today!  I’m wearing Bermuda shorts right now and I don’t remember them being THIS TIGHT this morning when I put them on. ………(…… Ok….maybe I DO remember them being a little tight-fitting, but nothing like they feel now…)…. Is it my imagination, or has THIS SHIT happened to me before?  Read this......

I haven’t even freakin’ EATEN anything today. (……oh yeah……unless you count the 2 BK Bacon Wraps, the BK Breakfast Club, and the Hersey Sundae Pie from 'Burger King' that I ate on the way to work this morning…….) ….(…..yeah…..like that doesn’t surprise you……you should know by now – I’m a Hog!...)……But I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast……..well..........maybe a few sunflower seeds, a granola bar and some almonds…….. but still….. I think my shorts have actually shrunk - on my body - somehow thru-out my day today.


Like I said…I don’t really remember them being THIS TIGHT this morning…..altho, I was on my third 'Bloody Mary' when I found myself getting dressed this morning…..and come to think of it..........I really don’t remember TOO MUCH about ANY of my morning this morning……in fact….to be honest - I’m not even sure how I even got to work today!  ……..(…..HEY……DON’T JUDGE ME!.....)

So, I’m sitting here at work right now…….feeling quite faint……..about ready to pass out at my desk ……….because the top of my pants are digging into my waist and constricting the oxygen flow thru my body.  (………yeah right - like I have a waist at this point in my life……..)   I’ve got red swollen welts where the top of my shorts are digging into my stomach. …(…it’s not a pretty sight.................….just so you know............................................TRUST ME!….)

I tried pulling them way up over my belly button earlier today which gave me some relief..…but do you know what happens when you pull your pants way up high?      Can you say CAMEL – TOE? ……..(.....NOT a pretty sight either.....by the way......)     

GOOD GOD…….NOW my crotch hurts!

'Oh Gnome You Don't!' Board Game? You Gotta be 'FREAKIN' Kidding Me!

........so I'm online shopping the other day for board games for my family and look what popped up on my screen......

 

.......a FLIPPIN' Gnome Board Game..............

....so the description of the game is as follows:

“Oh Gnome You Don’t!” Board Game  2-5 players,  ages 13+,  90 minutes  It’s adventure time for gnomes as they travel and gather items along the forest trail.  Typically cheerful and friendly, the little gnomes let greed and aggression get the best of them as they get into brawls, play tricks, and set traps to be able to grab up and trade for the most gems by the end of the game. 

It’s a Gnome-tastic Adventure!!

 A 'GNOME'-tastic Adventure?

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? 

Who the H*LL buys this shit, anyway?

 ........like I want this kind of freaky stuff laying around my house! 

 

Dear Porscha,

Porscha:  You know that 'Web Class' that I'm taking? ...(...you know...the class that's kicking my *SS and even tho I've made it thru the first 8 lessons, I'm still completely LOST and don't think I've learned ANYTHING....)

Well...... last night I did the last 4 lessons  ..... (...you know...the 4 lessons that I was behind on because I'm lazy and I've been putting them off cause' I'm not really learning anything anyway...........remember?.......you know - lessons #9, #10, #11 and #12....) ....and you'll be happy to know that I got 100% on all of the quizzes..... making my total grades for lessons #1 thru #12 - 100% on ALL of the quizzes.......Yes - I ROCK!    Aren't you proud?! ...(...heck yeah...you better be proud, girlfriend.......this shit is freakin' HARD!)     Yeah...I know....the quizzes were open book........ and I cheated?   ............(....hey.... don't judge me!)   

You didn't really think I'd pass the quizzes on my own did you?     Are you freakin' retarded?    Do you EVEN KNOW ME?    I'm really just NOT THAT SMART.........(....hey can I help it that I've been blessed with phenomenal looks and not brains?...........I'm just sayin'.....)

(for those of you who missed this post....I've been taking a Web Class and the 12 lessons in the class are not graded - they are open book.  The only thing graded is the final exam....try to keep up, people....)

So now that I've made it thru the 12 lessons, the final exam is the only thing left.  The final exam is due April 8th ............(........and if the exam has ANYTHING to do with the content that has been in the 12 lessons........ I'M DOOMED!)  .....(....cause remember......I haven't actually came even remotely close to LEARNING ANYTHING from this class so far, remember?.....)

On a more positive note:  I'm feeling pretty awesome -  cause I've stuck it out regardless - and made it thru 12 entire lessons ...(...even tho I wanted to throw in the towel after the first lesson cause this class is so FREAKIN' hard and WAY BEYOND my learning capability...........HEY.........I'm just sayin'.......)   

                  I'll keep you posted!  

More Random thoughts......

Random things going on with me today:

1.) My ‘Nasty Eye’ seems to be healing quite nicely on its own today - thank you very much………(...…at least I THINK it is…)….....It’s not as puffy, red and nasty looking today.......... the swelling has gone down, and it doesn’t hurt as much as it did yesterday! ….(…altho, I can’t really be sure….since I’m high on Benadryl and Motrin right now..)

2.) I ate an entire cheesecake on the way to work this morning! (….just thought I'd let you all know what a pig I am...…)

3.) I’ve been noticing what with spring around the corner; all of the stores have their spring gardening supplies and yard decorations out.  Wouldn’t you know that the hot item this year is ‘freakin’ garden gnomes…..everywhere I look!   Are you freakin’ kidding me………I went down an aisle the other day, and there must have been about five or six rows of the ‘freakin’ things……just glaring at me from atop their shelves……what the H*LL is wrong with people! And who the H*LL buys these things, anyway, I ask you?

4.) The bad news is that my tooth hurts today…..my tooth gum is red, lumpy and puffy and it hurts..….kinda like I have a popcorn kernel stuck in it……only I HAVEN'T eaten any popcorn lately…….so I can’t be sure - but I’m fairly positive that A.) the parasitic worm that was in my eyeball yesterday has left my right eyeball and traveled to my tooth today  .....OR   B.) I’m growing fangs and turning into a vampire! .......I’ll keep you posted!
    
                     

I think I have a parasitic worm growing in my eyeball....I'm just sayin!

The last couple of days, my RIGHT EYE has been hurting me and it’s been a little puffy….(…..NOT the eyeball itself, but the top of the eyelid….)….it’s been a little itchy and red…(…NOT the eyeball….my eyeball isn’t red AT ALL….just the eyelid and surrounding area…)


This morning I woke up to find it was swollen shut....(....well, almost swollen shut....I'm exagerating a little ...cause that's what I do.....)..……..my right top eyelid is huge and puffy and it looks like:  1.) I either got punched in the face (more specifically – in the eye) OR 2.) that I’ve got a severe case of ‘elephantiasis’.     It’s not a pretty picture, people…..(….just so you know!…)    It’s not crusty and there is no seepage…..and since the morning, the swelling has went down, and I can actually see now, but my right eyelid hurts…(…like a straining hurt - whenever I look at something or move my eyeball to look at something…which sucks….cause I usually look at stuff …with my eye….you know....on a daily basis...)   I’m pretty sure it’s not a Sty….and I’m pretty sure it’s not ‘pinkeye’……….so I taped a tissue over my bad eye and put my glasses on so that no one would notice at work, but that didn’t work out to good from me, since everyone kept asking me what the H*LL was goin’ on with my eye and why the ‘Freak’ was I wearing an eye patch. I eventually took the tissue out and so now I’m walking around with one eye all made up all pretty with eye shadow and mascara while my right eye is red, bulging, swollen and nasty looking…….(…I pretty much scared the UPS man, when he came in for a delivery today…..he did a double take…. …and then refused to look me in the eye…..you know…….THE NASTY SWOLLEN EYE that I have going on right now….)

I’ve been using my eye drops and NO – I haven’t went to the doctor yet, but will probably go in the morning since I’m grossing everyone out with my nasty eye and all……. I figure I’ve either A.) got an allergic reaction going on with something…….B.) got a infection in a tear gland OR C.) got some parasitic worm living in my eyeball.

No worries........and I’ll be sure to keep you posted on my eye situation.........

Just another Garden Gnome? .....I DON'T THINK SO!

 ..................HELLLOOOOOO........People....this is the kind of SH*T that I'm talking about!  

I'm not as smart as I think I am...........

Friday, February 18, 2011: A conversation (per e-mail) with my friend Jessica regarding a computer class that I'm taking on line..........she wanted to know how it was going after my first on-line class............


 Jessica,  My Class?......It's soooooo NOT what I thought it was going to be.  First of all, apparently I was supposed to have taken another computer web-class prior to THIS ONE, so I'm a little lost  (actually…..A LOT LOST…..I haven't a clue what they're even talking about!) .....(......and I'm too much of a 'chicken-shit' to say anything.....because I don't want them to think I'm an idiot..........HEY......these people don't read my blog......so they don't know what an idiot I AM, YET!...)........so I'm basically 'winging it'.   I've got lessons on every Wednesday and Friday and I have 2 weeks to do each of them.  They include quizzes, assignments and lessons.    Nothing is graded.   The only thing that is graded is your final exam at the end of the session sometime in March. (…….hopefully there is a God!) 

Lesson 1 - Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 talk about the World Wide Web (WWW) history and the development of design standards and interactivity and mobile content and communication vehicles and webpage statement of purposes and organizational balancing for form and function .....etc….etc….etc  ………(...are you getting any of this?...)………..I'm sure as SH*T not! .............WTFreak!?!       I feel like I’m in school again………I DON'T KNOW anything about this crap…(.....I don't even actually remember signing up to take this class...)....…(...could I have been drunk.....? ...)  …I though I was going to be taking a class about designing pretty little websites and web pages with pretty little fonts and pictures and all the fun 'girly' stuff that comes with designing and making thing pretty……(......can't you see the little butterflies and flying unicorns dancing around my head right now as I'm smiling, sitting in front of my computer screen........ in my own little world....as I'm designing my pretty little web pages.........)………………

…. I SO DON'T want to take this class anymore...........what the FREAK was I even thinking?...............................(.....yeah....pretty sure I must have been drunk)..................hellllooooo………… ………….

 I considered quitting......... (.....only 1/2 hour into my first lesson....)...... (.........yeah, I'm pathetic like that.....) .... BUT it IS only the FIRST DAY............and Hairyman gave me a
'pep-talk' ....so I decided I'm going to tuff it out and try to learn something. (…………….wish me luck……………..on the 'learning something' part………because learning doesn't come easy for a girl like me…..........since I already think I KNOW everything and all........)


I DID spend the time and read my first chapters last night and took the quiz (it took me 3 attempts by the way), but I got a 100 % on it ............so I guess I've already learned something, right?   (Yes, there is a God!)    SO  I’m already impressing myself!   HA!    (....not that it takes a lot to impress me....)   I didn’t do the assignments yet, cause I’m still really confused and and I don't understand them (...........yeah...basically I'm still completely LOST!....)................. but give me time…………it’s only been one day…………..(....hey, don’t get on my shit..........you can't expect too much out of me all at once!.....)    ........(Do you even KNOW me, people?).......

NOTE: 100 % on my first test?!  (Have I told you how awesome I am?)       I’ll keep you posted on the class!   
 OH, and I can't wait to start up OUR new business venture …….'The Web according to Jenny'………….remember……………………wasn’t that what it was going to be?      We’ll be partners and you’ll be in charge   (I’m OK with YOU being in charge..... since you’re a lot smarter than me...and I'm basically lazy and don't really feel like doing anything anyway..............) ………but just so you know ........it will still be ‘All about me’! HA!

Spoiled Milk, Telemarketers, and Body Odor, OH MY!

10 Things I hate right now.........

1.) My teeth scraping against the wooden stick of a Popsicle
2.) Spoiled Milk (........when you DIDN'T know it was spoiled..........)

3.) Trying to write with a dull pencil  (.....don't we own a freakin' pencil sharpener in this house?.....)

4.) Having to return something to the store
5.) The little black hairs that grow out of my chin  (........what the H*LL?...........did I accidentally take some steroids or something.......)

6.) Telemarketers (.... no, I'm not interested in getting a free carpet cleaning when you call me at 9:00PM at night.....)

7.) Garden Gnomes.........(......hellllloooo........that's a given!)
8.) Rude People (.......hey, sorry your life sucks, but try being nice to me....) 
9.) Body Odor (....seriously .............can't you smell yourself, dude?)
10.) Cleaning up 'Dog-Vomit'  (......don't even ask..........)

Gnomeo and Juliet .......You've Got To Be Kidding ME!

A friend of mine (well ....she used to be a friend of mine) (.....until she showed me this trailer for the new Disney Movie...)

'GNOMEO and JULIET'..........you've got to be kidding me!

This is just all of my worst nightmares tied up into one 'Disney Movie Gone Wrong', People!

There are no words right now! I'm at a lost! I feel sick to my stomach and I actually just threw up in my mouth and swallowed it!

I've been telling you for years that the Garden Gnomes come to life at night while we're not watching!  SO THERE YOU GO!

(This is even FAR WORSE than when THAT HOUSE fell on my sister!)

Listen........"Mr. Annoying Telemarketer".............

OM'Freakin'Gosh.......ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Listen ‘Mr. Annoying Telemarketer’…….. if you want to talk to the person in charge of making decisions for our company, you’ll have to tell me what kind of decisions your asking to be made……….PERIOD……..END OF CONVERSATION……......now leave me alone, butt-wipe!

ME:  "Good Morning, may I help you?" (........this morning, at work..........in my most 'cheery' professional voice, of course)

Mr. Annoying: “Can I talk to the owner of the business, please?”

ME: “May I ask what this is regarding?”

Mr. Annoying: “I need to talk to the person in charge of making decisions for your company.”

ME: (.....here we go........) “What kinds of decisions?”

Mr. Annoying: “Ma’am, I’m only able to talk to the person who is authorized to make decisions for the company.” (sounding a bit annoyed)

ME: “What kinds of decisions, sir?” (......yes........two can play this game, people.....)

Mr. Annoying: “Is there an owner available that I can talk to?”

ME: “You’ll need to tell me what the decisions are regarding, so I know who it is that you need to talk to.”

Mr. Annoying: “Are YOU authorized to make decisions for the company?” (....trust me......I'm NOT making this up.........this is the actual conversation.........)

ME: “You haven’t really explained what decision needs to be made…..so……I haven’t a clue if I’m authorized.” 

…click…………………….he 'stinkin' hangs up on me………….unbelievable!

Seriously................and they wonder why I'm SUCH A BITCH at work?
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

Heavy breathers, Hangovers, and Stupid People

Things I've decided that I pretty much hate right now: 

1) Women with really dark tans!  (.............you women really need to get jobs, or quit going to the tanner so much.......)..............I mean................I'm all for being tan and all, but there are boundaries, girlfriends.................... (plus, I'm just jealous, Ok?)...........

2) Hangovers!   (I'm pretty much never gonna drink again!)

3) People who THINK they're attractive, but who really AREN'T that good looking!  (..........hellllloooooooo............did you look in the mirror this morning?)    Get over yourself, already!

4) Heavy breathers..................hellllloooooooo........Can't you HEAR yourself breathing, people?      You're freakin' people out ...........seriously!

5)  STUPID PEOPLE    Listen, Bubba............just because you figured out how to make a grill out of a shopping cart.........and just because you can hot wire your lawn mower....... doesn't make you a rocket scientist, OK?   

(.........and what's worse - Stupid People DON'T even know they're stupid.....)

Who's been sitting in my airplane seat? I don't even want to know........

I was just sittin' here thinking....................

Next time you fly in an airplane ....................while your sitting in your seat.........why don't you think about how many disgusting people have sat in the same exact seat before you...........

..........................like the man who was sick and keeps spewing his germs all over the seat table in front of you each time he sneezes...................or the young man who recently peed his pants and didn't have time to change them before boarding this flight.............................or the little kid who picked his nose and wiped it on the seat during the entire flight.........................or the woman who had diarrhea and didn't quite make it to the restroom in time.......................or the lady who tried to change her babies dirty diaper in the seat and while the babies diaper was off - the baby peed all over ................or the old man who sat in the seat before you who hadn't washed his hair in 3 weeks .......(.........and don't get me started on all the people who have sat in your chair who may have had LICE..............hellloooooo......).........or the little girl who got motion sickness during the flight and threw up all over the seat table that was down at the time..............................OK........how do you feel now?

I guarantee, next time you fly - you'll think of me!            

Seriously...........I'm totally grossed out right now..........

Do I Look Fat?

The following is a conversation between my brother and myself, only a couple of years ago. I'm actually at my parents house and HairyMan and I are getting ready to go out with some old friends. My younger brother happens to be at my parents house, too.

I'm standing in the hallway - curling, fluffing, teasing, and spraying my hair...trying to make myself beautiful........ (which normally takes me a long time, mind you.)

OK....I think I'm ready.......I enter the living room..............I turn to my brother................who's sitting in the living room ..........I do a little twirl and swing my hair.....and I say, "Mark.....what's my hair look like? Does it make me look fat?"

Mark looks at me.....sizes me up and down.....fawns a giggle...............and replies, "Jen, it's not your hair that makes you look fat! It's your stomach that makes you look fat!"

True story!

................and I hate my brother!

Photo courtesy of the internet

Hells Toilets...........

I HATE using porta-poti's (aka: 'Hells Toilets')................

...........but sometimes it's either use it or pee yourself...............I choose to use it! .....................(I pee myself too much already, remember?!) ...................well - the last time I used one ..........it was dark out...........really dark.................I mean........I really couldn't see..........ANYTHING.............with my pants bunched up around my knees (God forbid they should touch the floor of Hells Toilet)................. I steadied myself ...............hovered over the toilet......................... (God forbid my butt should come in contact with the 'dirty-germ-infested-Satan-seat')............to do my 'business' (pee, that is).....................well, what do you know....................... the seat was down.............isn't that just dandy...........................(you know what happens when you hover over a toilet and pee with the lid down?).....................the pee runs all over down your legs and all over your pants............................so basically - I peed all over myself!
Photo courtesy of the internet.