Nightmares and 'getting it on' with maniacal killers.......

I’ve had nightmares since I was little.  I remember crawling into my mom and dads bed at an early age - due to some evil dream I couldn’t get out of my mind.

The dreams are always the same.  I’m either being chased by tigers or bears, or chased by some maniacal killer (usually Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13^th series.)

Or, I dream of living in a huge Victorian house with many floors that’s full of beautiful furniture, but the house has either a cellar or an attic that is processed by an evil presence.  (….I don’t know what the evil is – it’s just there….)  This recurring nightmare is the worst of them….it scares me to the bone, even now - at my age...(...because, YES, I still have them....)  

 

Actually, eerily enough - my mom and I were talking months ago regarding this dream and she confessed that she has the same recurring nightmare of an evil presence in a big house……too weird…… (.....and what the H*LL do you think that means?)

 

The other day I was being chased by Jason Voorhees (…..in my dream, not in real life,…)… and I was running in and out of a house and through other peoples houses and I was running through fields and I came to a warehouse and I climbed up into the rafters to escape.   And Jason found me and started climbing up to the rafters to get me. 

When Jason finally catches up to me and is about to kill me, I ask him if he wants to have sex?  I figure if I give him ‘a little’, then he won’t kill me.    He doesn’t respond, but the next thing I know I’m having ‘wild crazy monkey sex’ with Jason Voorhees.

 

Really, people?.....SEX with Jason Voorhees?  What is WRONG WITH ME?

 

I definately HAVE ISSUES!  ......(........I'm just sayin'.................)

(Picture courtesy of the internet.)

Alone in a hospital....a killer's on the lose....and where's my Room Service!

So here I sit in the hospital ….. hooked up to this contraption that is supposed to monitor my sleeping habits tonight.  I seriously look like freakin’ Frankenstein – with tubes hooked to my head, face, arms and legs!  I brought a book to read and am looking so forward to an entire night with a bed all to myself without Hairyman and my dog, Maximus. (…sorry, Hairyman….)

I was a little anxious and nervous coming in tonight, but am quite at ease now because I’m in a room that looks like a hotel room, not a hospital room….very comfortable and homey.  Actually, now that I think about it….. they brought me to this dark, isolated wing of the hospital and the technician that I followed to this room…….well – let’s just say – I’m not entirely sure I’m STILL IN the hospital, to be honest…..with the long maze of hallways, twists and turns, and elevators and stairs we had to take to get here....…I could be in another building on the other side of town for all I know....…...I’m completely LOST…I’ll never find my way out!   If there’s a fire – I’m fairly certain I’ll DIE!    And the creepy technician that brought me here…..his odd silence…his wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete and all…….it could be my imagination, but something just doesn’t feel right tonight…    (…HA!....just kidding – the technician wasn’t really wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete…….I made that up........BUT - he WAS creepy regardless…...like 'Jeffrey Dahmer' kindof creepy......)

Things that could go wrong tonight:
1.) I'll strangle myself in my sleep with all these wires going on in my bed tonight.
2.) I'll snore SO LOUD tonight that they'll actually cancel my testing and kick me out of this place....(.....how embarrassing would that be....getting kicked out of a sleep apnea test for snoring too loud....isn't that the point of the freakin' test?......I'm just sayin'....)
3.) I return home tomorrow and Hairyman has shut me out of my house and changed all the locks on the doors....
4.) I get murdered in here by a creepy, maniacal killer ...(...NOTE TO SELF: I really have to quit watching so many scary movies....)
AND 5.) This place won't have room service.

I’m typing away on my laptop now…(…looking like Frankenstein, let’s not forget…)…and now I’ve got myself all worked up trying to imagine what I’m gonna do when psycho ‘Jason Voorhees’ technician decides to come calling while I’m alone in this room tonight.  Never mind the thin little lab tech outside my door monitoring my sleeping……..killer Jason is gonna eat her alive….(….what with her size-2 scrubs and skinny little petite frame goin’ on........the bitch!)…..forget about her offering me any ounce of protection from 'crazy man with a cross-bow'.  For cryin' out loud… I could freakin’ kick her ass if I wanted too...…she'll be useless in any type of survival situation...................eat a sandwich, will ya!…..(....evidently, she doesn't know the zombie apocalypse is coming....)

My only hope of survival is the hope that I MAY HEAR the sound of Jason killing her outside my door prior to his entering my room ...

(.....I pause to pray for her death to be a loud death....)   
.................which will bide me some time to plan my escape……...(...actually, right now I'm contemplating getting up and practicing my Chuck Norris moves.....but decide against it....)

Of course, in my mind - the hospital’s been shut down ....hours ago....while I’ve been cooped up in this room and everyone has evacuated the hospital …(...unbeknownst to me ...........)..…and of course, everybody’s forgotten about me in this creepy dark isolated wing ....…so here I am - all alone for the night ....(…’cause Jason killed the skinny lab tech, remember….) …in this deserted building with a maniacal killer lose….hunting me…

.....my only hope is to make it to morning....oh, God help me....

I hear something outside my door.......then silence....(......I sit ready to be murdered....)  ......ready to pounce like a Ninja....... ..there's a knock.....the door opens..........and the cheery little lab tech asks if I need anything. 

'I'd like a Cheeseburger , an order for fries (with a side of mayo) and an order of deep fried pickles with ranch dressing with a Diet Coke to drink, please.'

'Size-2 tiny bitch' smiles, giggles to herself, tells me ....(....and I believe her exact words are...) "You're a hoot".......she tells me to have a good night, to let her know if I need anything and closes the door as she leaves......

.....hellllooooooo - I wanted a freakin' Cheeseburger........that's what I wanted........(...Damn Her....)......Evidently they don't offer room service during 'Sleep Apnea' tests....

........and I'm guessing the chances of me getting any Vodka in here are NULL!

It was my birthday........and not another gnome....

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, people ...

(....yeah...... for all you people who didn't wish me a happy birthday....YOU SUCK!......)  

Anyway - I'm over it now...

....but a good friend of mine (who DID remember my birthday....)

and who shall remain nameless...(Judi)

 sent me a gift.....

Yeah.....so imagine my surprise to get a package in the mail

from my dear friend - 

I tear into the package with enthusiasm and anticipation to see

.

.

.

.

a freakin'  

"Travelocity Roaming Gnome Luggage Tag"

 

.......

(Damn you, Judi!)

Skin Rabies or Bot Flies...........

The other night (December 26, 2011) I woke up and I have a rash on my back and my chest…..(........not a pretty sight, let me TELL you.........)   I hunted for bed bugs and spiders but none could be found.  (I work for a pest control company, so I'm fairly confident that I DO know what I’m doing, yes!) 

So I’m 99 % sure I don’t have bed bugs and getting bit by a spider goes against everything that I’ve been taught through my job (..........meaning the chances of being bit by a spider are very rare in my neck of the woods.)

So what could my 'bites/ rash' BE you ask?

1.) In the middle of the night, someone could have took a 'straight pin' and poked me in the back and the boobs a few times…………(….altho, WHY anyone would do this – I’m not sure!)

2.) I used too much bleach while washing my bra out and I could be having a bad reaction to the excessive bleach in my bra!

3.) The little bites or holes in my skin are actually the wounds made from the pitch forks and ice picks of the dreaded garden gnomes that decided to attack me that night.

............or..............4.) Bot Flies

…………..I’m going with ‘Bot Flies’………yeah, I can't be sure........(......but I'm fairly certain........) that a few flies laid their eggs in my skin and now I have little 'bot fly larvae’s' growing in my back and on my boobs…...….I’m just sayin’……

(...actual photo of the bot flies in my skin......BUT they're not in my arm - they're in my back and boobs!)

..........I'll keep you posted on the little devils.........

(......the picture was actually taken from the internet, you fools!)

Imagine my surprise...........Garden Gnomes in MY yard!

I've been out of town for 3 weeks.  Imagine my surprise when I returned home to find my yard full of Garden Gnomes.   Yes ................. I'd like to thank the kind person who decided that it would be a hilarious idea to fill my yard with garden gnomes while I was away!

Just so you know ...... I WILL find you!  I don't know when and I don't know how - but I will find out who you are..............and I will hurt you!   .......(.....I'm just sayin'.........)..  

Just another Garden Gnome? .....I DON'T THINK SO!

 ..................HELLLOOOOOO........People....this is the kind of SH*T that I'm talking about!  

"How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack"....Have YOU Bought the Book yet?

Hi guys! Have you been to the ‘My Life As Jenny Store” yet? .....over on the right side bar of this blog……...you see it……..it has a green caption/header that reads “My Life As Jenny Store”………right over there on the right.......…featuring the ‘How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack’ book……..

…….well…….if you haven’t checked it out, you had better……(just some little friendly advice from a girl who has a unhealthy fixation on being attacked by these ugly red hat-ed warriors)  it won’t take long to check out the store (since there’s only one thing featured in the store....hellloooooo........for now, anyway.....) ….but it’s this one little book that’s gonna make a difference in your life, people…..so you better check it out ….. “How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They will)” by Chuck Sambuchino.  (This is a great book.....I've read it so many times that you won't find me being unprepared when the devil dwarfs decide to attack....no-sirree-bob...I'm actually becoming quite the expert in garden gnome defense.....just so you know...)

 

Chuck Sambuchino is currently my HERO! He’s a brilliant man who wrote this book about the upcoming invasion of the Garden Gnomes. As far as I KNOW, he’s the only one that has been brave enough to warn us all about the murderous dwarfs. Oh, and besides writing, Chuck loves music, plays guitar and piano in a rock cover band (how cool is that) and he loves chocolate chip cookies. And he’s HOT …………(….I’m just sayin’)……..


YOU GOTTA GET THIS BOOK, PEOPLE……..in it, Chuck, talks about the looming dangers that garden gnomes present to America’s suburbs and rural areas. "As many as 10 percent of unsolved cold cases probably involve garden gnomes," Sambuchino told AOL News. "It's a serious problem."   (..the book is only 106 pages long, so don't panic....even slow readers can manage this.....trust me......)

Key points featured in the book:
1.) Which areas of the country are more prone to garden gnome attacks, as well as keys to determining whether you're at risk.  (Are you at risk?)  (maybe you ought ta read the book.....you think?)

2.) Did you know that garden gnomes use a variety of weapons for their fiendish attacks, including slingshots, axes and spears, but their killing tool is the scythe?  (Important information, so try to keep up!)

3.) Mr. Sambuchino also claims that garden gnomes are most likely to attack during storms.  Do you know why?  (..........probably NOT cause' you haven't read the 'freakin' book.....)
"The rain hitting the roof masks the sound of drilling through the wall," he said. "They attack you in bed, which is why I recommend making paper-mache copies of yourself and putting them in the other bedrooms. That way, if they attack you, you have time to see it happening and escape."  (By God, he's a Genius, I tell you!)

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only survival guide that instructs you on how to prevent and ward off a home invasion and eradicate them from your property for good.  In the unfortunate event of an actual attack, it will prepare you for battle, outlining dozens of possible encounter scenarios and defense strategies. 

.....Don't think you have anything to worry about?  ............Don't think the 'garden gnomes' are anything that you really have to worry about? ..............Are you really willing to take that chance? 
Source: When Garden Gnomes Attack by David Moye/Aol News (Sept 22, 2010)
http://www.aolnews.com/discuss/2010/09/22/hold-for-buck-edited-when-garden-gnomes-attack#gcpDiscussPageUrlAnchor

Deer Heads are Falling Off the Deer....OR is that a Dead Possum?

Yesterday morning (around 6:00am) I let our little dog, Max, outside in his pen ...through his doggie door..........to do 'his business' and as I peeked out the slider door (out into the darkness) ......(to try to catch a peek at him doing 'His Thing'............yeah, I'm that kind of dog owner).......I noticed that he had congregated to the side of his pen and was sniffing something.  After a minute or two, I decided to step out into the darkness and into his fenced in pen to take a look to see what had gathered his attention.    WELL, at first, I though there was a 'severed deer head' laying in the corner of his pen that had gained his attention, (.....and I'm thinking to myself ........GREAT.........now we have deer around our property whose heads are falling off.............) ........but as I looked closer, I realize there was some dead animal laying in the corner of his pen - it wasn't a severed deer head after all   (....guess I won't have to worry about those headless deer, now.............)   So here I was (...and pay attention, cause this will be an important factor later on in my story..) ....here I was.... I'm squatting down ....my face about 1 foot or so from this dead carcass laying on the cement......trying to get a better look......I kick it a little with my slipper....you know.........to make sure it's dead.............and I take an even closer look (...it's 6AM and dark out, remember.............) ........and upon closer inspection, I realize that it's a possum that's dead in Max's pen.  Well, I move a little closer TO SEE WHY the heck IT'S DEAD in my dogs pen.......like I wanna make sure one of it's feet isn't caught in the fence.....and I'm picturing it - with it's leg caught and how it's trying to gnaw away at his leg to get free.......and maybe it's leg is bloody and hanging there from the bone and maybe possums teeth aren't sharp enough to gnaw through bone............so now I'm probably going to have to go get a saw or a jack knife and help it free itself..............but wait........the darn things dead, right...........and WAIT............that's mice that eat their legs off to get out of situations, not possums.......I don't think possums do that , do they? ....anyway.........it's laying on it's back.........all four feet straight up in the air.......(..and I'm wondering what the FREAK is up with that.........)......so I stand up, move back, grab Max, go inside, grab a shovel and a flash light and head back out to get this dead carcass out of Max's pen...............and guess what?

It's FREAKIN' GONE!

How can it be gone?  I left it there for maybe...1 minute or so......if that! AND IT WAS DEAD..........WASN'T IT?  Well apparently it wasn't dead ..............helllooooo............and remember how I told you had my face about 8 inches from it all the while I was trying to get a better look at it!   Now I'm sick to my stomach.......I could have been attacked by this rabid possum.........and it was probably a mutant hybrid possum (not just the normal ones, you'd find in the woods)......... IT could have jumped up with it's razor sharp teeth and mauled me .........and given me rabies..........and infected me with it's mutant blood ............ and it could've messed up my face.........and I would have scars (....surely there would be scars..........)     AND BLOOD  (and we all know how well I deal with blood)  ..........and I wouldn't be able to be 'HairyMans' Trophy Wife anymore ...................I'm just sayin'.............................

.............and where the heck did it go, anyway?  (Let's hope - NOT IN the doggie door!) 

Gnomeo and Juliet .......You've Got To Be Kidding ME!

A friend of mine (well ....she used to be a friend of mine) (.....until she showed me this trailer for the new Disney Movie...)

'GNOMEO and JULIET'..........you've got to be kidding me!

This is just all of my worst nightmares tied up into one 'Disney Movie Gone Wrong', People!

There are no words right now! I'm at a lost! I feel sick to my stomach and I actually just threw up in my mouth and swallowed it!

I've been telling you for years that the Garden Gnomes come to life at night while we're not watching!  SO THERE YOU GO!

(This is even FAR WORSE than when THAT HOUSE fell on my sister!)

Late For Work, Nick Lachey and Killer Clowns!

My alarm didn’t go off this morning (due to ‘my bad’) so I got ready for work in 5 minutes and was out the door…………….yeah, I pretty much look like a HAG today……..no makeup (although, I do have ‘base’ on, to cover up my ‘witch wart’)……..and I did brush my teeth…………..but that’s about it, girls! (……….and I’m not feeling too FRESH this morning – without my morning shower)................if you know what I mean! Oh, and my hair is alot to be desired right now..................(NOTE TO SELF: Make hair appointment - my roots are showing and I look like 'trailer trash!')

Another Monday in my neighborhood and off to work..........................today’s a ‘Nick Lachey Day' on YouTube………….(in my opinion, he’s a whole lot better off without Ms. Simpson, but that’s just my opinion, folks)……………… some of my favorite ‘Nick songs’ are “All In My Head”, “Did I Ever Tell You”, and “On You Own”.…………….I love most of his new stuff! And, yes, he’s even made it to a spot on my YouTube playlist……………………..so, now………..when I’m in a kinda – mellow type of mood, Nick’s just a ‘CLICK’ away!



I devoured 2 Big Macs on my lunch today........................no - I couldn't have just one Big Mac................I had to eat two (simply because I had a coupon)...............................(and because I'm a loser and have no willpower when it comes to losing weight!)

Oh, and I’ve decided I don’t like ‘clowns’ anymore……………you know how I think ‘GNOMES’ are evil?................well, you can now add CLOWNS to that list of things that I ‘believe are evil!’

Seriously, I’ve never been a huge fan of clowns..................... but I’ve decided today they seriously freak me out - right up there with garden gnomes! ...............................like the clown from the horror movie, "IT"......................what kind of frickin' clown is that..........................a maniacal killer clown that's gonna hunt you down with a chainsaw and make mincemeat out of you...........that's the kind of clown I'm talking about..................................well, I don't want any part of that in my world anymore! NOTE TO SELF: Go home and search house for clowns and dispose of them ..............ooohhhhhh, and.............I'm not gonna simply just throw them away in the garbage, and wait for the garbage man to come................................I'm gonna need to cut their heads off and their feet and their hands, legs and arms...........just to make sure they don't come back to life and hunt me down...............I keep envisioning them crawling out of the dumpster and limping back up my driveway to my house and peering in at me thru my windows while I'm sleeping (oh, and of course he'll be holding some type of weapon..................maybe an axe..................or a hammer............... or something that can do me bodily harm ............... scar me, and leave me for dead)..........................................(I seriously don't think I have any clowns lying around my home, but I need to be sure!) ONE CAN NEVER BE TOO SURE!
Photo courtesy of the internet - "Stephen King's - IT"

My name is Jenny........and I'm a Dreamer!

I’m a ‘Dreamer’…………….NOoooooo……..not one of those “dazed eyed” – “high on something” – “spaced out druggies”………………… but I seriously DREAM EVERY NIGHT…………. (or I have a nightmare EVERY NIGHT!) And I wake up EVERY morning and remember the details of the dream.

“HairyMan” (my husband, Rob)…….(that’s what I’m gonna start calling him from now on)…………he says he NEVER dreams ……………..he wakes up every morning and he can’t recall having dreamed anything………”what the hell’s up with that?” ...........................I can’t even imagine not remembering what I dreamt the night before! ........................Boorrrriiinnnngggg!!!!!

1.) I’ve had nightmares and dreams ever since I was little – and I’ve had the same dream or nightmare multiple times.

2.) If I wake up during the night in the middle of one of my dreams/nightmares, 9 times out of 10, I usually fall back asleep right where I left off ………. as if I've never awoken!

Get this.........................they say that if a person dreams (nightmare) something more than once, it will COME TRUE! …………………"I HOPE TO GOD - NOT!" ……………………..otherwise, I’m either going to 1.) be slaughtered by a maniacal killer, 2.) tore apart by an abominable snowman, 3.) live in a frickin' scary haunted house for the rest of my life or 4.) chased to death by a rabid tiger!........................hellllooooooooo………………do you guys know how many times a month I dream of shit like this…………and more than once – let me tell you………………

On the other hand, if my dreams DO come true……………… that is if I dream them more than one time…………………… I’m seriously LOOKING FORWARD to 1.) going back to junior high and finding a million dollars in Kelly Presson’s swimming pool , 2.) hanging out on a beach with Charlie and Allen (from 2 and a half men) in my string bikini and looking ‘HOT’, 3.) inheriting numerous amount of antiques from my dead aunt ……….and 4.) I'm thoroughly going to enjoy the ‘foursome’ that I’m gonna have with the ‘Backstreet Boys’

Apparently – I have ISSUES! ……………………you think?!
Photo courtesy of the internet

The Birds Are Back!

What the Hell is up with the frickin' birds lately? (Is anyone else having trouble with birds? Let me know!)
........................remember how last week they were dive bombing my windows at work? ...........................and I had to put the screens back in...............to stop the mass suicide...................I kept finding dead carnage outside my windows..............I was running out of little cross's to mark their graves..........................and I was worried they were going to crash thru my windows and cause havoc in my office with their bloody body parts................and seriously wound me? ...........................Remember?
Well....................(get this)..................... now that the screens are back up on my windows....................."No more dead birds!" ..............BUT.................today - as I traveled back and forth down the sidewalk past all the damn bird feeders and bushes to my office.....................guess what..............

I WAS ATTACKED! .................. BY THE DAMN BIRDS!

Seriously...........I'm not exaggerating (I know sometimes I exaggerate - but not this time) Birds were dive-bombing me (no lie)..................."What the HELL!?"

And it was seriously "FREAKING-ME-OUT!"
(NOTE TO SELF: Tomorrow, I need to talk to fellow co-workers to see if I'm the only one with this problem!)

I have a theory: I THINK they're TARGETING ME! ...................... (I can't be sure - but I think they ARE!)...........................this is what I think.........................they're seeking revenge for all the birds that lost their lives due to my 'screen episode' last week...................................

All I know is that I'm taking a 'tennis racket' to work tomorrow morning and I'm going to be prepared if history repeats itself ................... "GO AHEAD, you little F_ _ KERS! MAKE MY DAY!"
Photos courtesy of the internet

What the Heck, Creepy Guy!?

Dear "creepy-weird-guy standing on the corner":

I pass you every morning on the way to work and I cannot tell a lie...............you seriously FREAK-ME-OUT!

The first time I saw you………….. I did a ‘double-take’ and almost got in an accident while you just stood there scaring the shit out of me! I though you were “Michael Myers” hunting down your next victim.

On the second day I saw you; I slowed down and drove past you ever so slowly (with my windows up, caution at hand and my little purse size jack knife ready) so that I could get a better look at you. (Are you sure you're not the scary maniacal killer from "I know what you did last summer?)

You stand there ever-so-quietly in a yard…………… across from the school ………………facing the students. And I have to wonder, do you scare the children as much as you scare me? Do they watch you in horror behind the windows of their classrooms? Do they have nightmares about you coming to life at night and gutting them while they sleep?

I have visions of stopping the car, getting out and walking up to you to get a closer look and maybe a better picture ………………………..but I just know you’ll come alive, look at me with those eyeless sockets and hideously deformed face………… pull out your machete and kill me dead right there on the spot. Or maybe you’ll just laugh your evil, sinister laugh and decide to stalk me instead, making it a game of terrifying me on a daily basis, whenever I look over my shoulder!

After closer examination, I do realize WHY you were chosen to adorn the front yard of your maker…......…(you hold a sign that reads "Private Property")……………….and I can’t imagine a better way of keeping kids out of your yard……………….you’re one creepy looking dude!

Actual photos taken by non other than Jenny Brown

I Dream of Jeannie!

OK, it’s almost Halloween again and now I have the dilemma of thinking up a costume to wear to our annual Halloween party. Because you CAN’T go to a “Halloween Party” without dressing up in costume, right?

Let’s see, there are so many costumes to pick from. I, myself, (by the way) prefer to make/create my own costume each year. I will probably be “I Dream of Jeannie” again. I haven’t worn this costume in let see; it’s been about 15 years. And it sure brings back memories………

Close your eyes…..get ready to go back in time………..go back 15 years ago to Halloween night in 1994………………………

Of course, 15 years ago, I was a hot babe! (I was 28 years old, thin, long blond hair, abs of steel, phenomenal looking ass, toned arms, no wrinkles, and a complexion free of age spots.) I’m dressed up as “I Dream of Jeannie” and I look spectacular!

I’m at a Halloween party at a friend’s house, I’m single, and I’m partying like its '1999'. It’s what, 12:30PM……..and some great person (full of wisdom) decides we all need to go to the local pub to finish out the night. (I know what you’re thinking!) Yeah, great idea, partying, dancing and “drinking”, now let’s get in a car and drive, right? (Well, it was a long time ago, and my ways have long since changed since those days, so don’t worry! I’d like to say I’ve matured at this point in my life!)

So yeah, we all pile into our vehicles and proceed to drive the 15 minutes to the local pub. Except for me, I’m by myself, in my car (which is a terrible idea, by the way.) I go about 3 blocks and I realize that I really shouldn't be driving! So I do the responsible thing, pull over on a back road, turn my car off, lock my doors, lay my head back, and decide to take a short nap and sober up, before attempting to drive again.

Haven’t a clue how long I’ve been out, its pitch black and I wake up to hear my drivers’ side car door handle jiggling. (Someone’s obviously outside trying to open my driver’s side car door.) I’m figuring it’s my friends, Jeff and Krissy (who were right behind me) stopping to give me a lift. I unlock the door, and open it to find two young boys (probably 16-17 years old) ……….the dome light fills the car, and the 2 boys obviously are completely surprised by someone actually being in the car………. “Oh lady, sorry……….. didn’t mean to bother you……uh, er…..sorry lady!” And then they take off running. (Later I will realize these 2 boys were actually trying to break into my car, only to find I was in it!)

Anyway, I shut my door, re-lock it, and fall back to sleep……..haven’t a clue how long I’ve been out again………………..only this time I’m awakened by red and blue flashing lights, and a cop with a flashlight knocking on my drivers side window. (To make a long story short, he claims he has been following me, he claims he watched me pull over and let’s just say that now I’m in a heap of trouble!) I did ask him WHERE he was when the 2 boys tried to break into my car and I asked him HOW it took me 45 minutes to drive 3 blocks from the party? (I had left the party 45 minutes prior, by the way) Oh, well……..I was in no position to argue – it was HIS word against mine, and it’s pretty safe to say the cop was gonna win over I Dream of Jeannie! (Sucks to be me!) Next time I’ll take my keys out of the ignition!

So after I vomited on the cops boots (in my own defense, I did tell him that I was going to be sick, so he had a chance to get out of the way) they take me to the hospital to give blood (Oh God, don’t let me see anyone I know.) and then it’s off to the police station.

Do you know that they take all of your jewelry and possessions when they lock you in a cell for the night? They took all my veils that were part of my costume……even the veils that are hanging over my chest ……..the ones that are concealing the 'major cleavage' that I have going on. (Evidently, they thought I was gonna HANG myself in my cell.) Heellllloooooooo…………......are you kidding me? Now their popping Polaroid pictures of me, they give me my little orange booties and away to my cell I go. (Thank God, no one else is in here with me.) I lay down on the cement slab and off to dreamland I go!

Moorrnnnninng……………………….I wake up and there’s a Hooker in my cell. (Yes, I Hooker!) OMGosh….kill me now! What was I thinking? This can’t be happening? Great……who do I call? Kelly…………… I have to call Kelly! Call Kelly right now! She has to get me out of here! Please Kelly……….pick up the phone!

Kelly’s in the waiting room (waiting for them to release me)………………….. Evidently I’m a felon now! A FELON! Are you kidding me? …………….. I’m not a Felon!

And there are Polaroid pictures of me on the bulletin board behind the counter. (And they’re not very flattering pictures, I may add!) OMGosh…..can they do that? Don’t I have rights? (I’m glad I’ve been your amusement for the night, gentlemen!)

I’m in no position to question anything right now! Just get me out of here! Let me pay my fines……….. I just want to put this behind me!

And that’s the end of my story.

Now, FLASH FORWARD to today……………………..NO………….Not a proud moment in my life! I’m fortunate that God was with me to get me through that night! I’ve learned from it! That night, 15 years ago, is the “one and only time” that I’ve ever been arrested. And I’m glad it ended like it did, glad that no one got hurt within those 3 blocks, including myself! I was very fortunate and God was watching over me!

Looking ahead, 15 years later, it does make for a funny story, tho, doesn’t it!

Photo courtesy of the internet

Bears

Bears! I hate bears! I have nightmares about being mauled by a grizzly bear. I've had reoccurring nightmares about bears since I've been little!

Face it, the only bears that I ever want to cross paths with in my life are 'Yogi Bear' and 'Winnie the Pooh!'

I don't go camping! I don't go for long walks in the woods! I would never go hiking in the mountains! I've always skipped the 'bear exhibit' at the zoo! And the list goes on............

Yes, it's one of my few phobias....right up there with 1.) losing a child, 2.) losing the ability to taste 3.) the fear that our earth will run out of Cheeseburgers in my lifetime, 4.) the "I Don't do Blood" thing I've got going on....and 5.) those evil little "Garden Gnomes." (And there's probably a few more, that I've forgotten at the moment.)

People say I'm silly, and I know I'm being ridiculous, the odds of being attacked by a bear are so very slim. But what can I say.....bears scare me!

They say if you encounter a bear in the woods, you're supposed to play dead! What do they mean, play dead? What's up with that? Let me get this straight, you want me to lie down, curl up in the fetal position, put my hands around the back of my neck and wait for God knows what? Are they crazy! And does this really work?

But what's the alternative.............I could try to run, but I've been told that no one can outrun a bear, (let alone me....who is pathetically out of shape and gets winded walking up a flight of stairs! I'd be dead for sure!)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want it to hurt! And I don't want it to include a lot of blood!

Excuse me if I have a hard time dropping to my knees and doing absolutely nothing but waiting for the bear to tear my flesh off and bite my bones in two. I don't want to hear my own bones being crushed and I don't want to smell the rancid breath of my soon to be killer. And what if the bear does grow tired of me, and after mutilating my body, decides to leave me...........we all know how great I am with the "blood thing!" Face it, I won't have a chance! If I survive the attack, I'll never survive all the blood!

Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt

Garden Gnomes

Let’s talk about “Garden Gnomes!” You know the ones.......the non-mistakable little ceramic statues of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarf" look-a-likes with rosey cheeks and tall, pointy, bright red hats!

 "I HATE THE THINGS!" I hate them with a passion! They seriously freak me out! Why anyone would want them to adorn their yards or flower beds is beyond me!

I just don't understand the obsession with these "evil pygmies" with their nonchalant smirks!"

They scare me! They scare me bad! If one of those things were adorning my yard, I'd never be able to sleep! I just KNOW that when everyone sleeps at night, they come to life and reek havoc on all of us innocent people! I just know it! My greatest fear is that they are multiplying and plotting to do away with us humans and make the earth their world one day!

And have you noticed that most of them are holding picks or shovels? HELLLOOOO......... Shouldn't that be a dead give-away, people?

 

And another thing........I know that when we aren't looking, they must urinate all over my plants with their "acid urine". And I know these wicked little midgeits sneak into my laundry room during the day and steal socks.....not a pair of socks, no.....just one sock. And they do this just to taunt me, I know.

My mother and father have decided to use these little misfits to decorate their flower beds, (against my better judgement.) My parents not only have one of these scary little useless "Dwarf Wanna-Be's", but they have about 3 or 4 of them. Every time I visit my parents house, I encourage my folks to get rid of them, for fear that the wicked little creatures will do away with my parents one day. For that, I know that these little creatures hate me, too, and have plans to do away with me, as well. I know they know "I'm on to them!" And I know, as I turn my back to walk into the house, they frown and plot against me.

And is it really my imagination, but they never seem to stay in the same spot. "Wasn't that little gnome by the garage door, next to the lilacs when I went to sleep last night?" "Why is it this morning, it's on the other side of the garage, next to the sunflowers and the windmill?"

I just know that someday when I awaken from a nightmare, there will be an evil little gnome with his bright blood-red hat, standing over me, with a shovel in his hand, howling with evil laughter with plans to do away with me. And I just hope I'm ready! Let's all be ready!

Photo courtesy of snibblebut.tripod.com

I DON'T DO BLOOD!

I DON'T DO BLOOD! Plain and simple! The sight of blood makes me pass out. It always has. And it's gotten worse as I've gotten older.


I could tell you many a story......... about how my daughter Brooke got a terrible bloody nose and I had to retreat myself to the living room and put my head between my legs and take deep breaths.


.....or how my son, Brad, cut his leg open while climbing on a dock while swimming with his cousin, Kevin, and Kevin was the one that had to help Brad up about 120 stairs while I followed behind, white as a ghost, ready to throw up.


......or maybe when I was driving to work one morning and managed to shut my own fingers in the drivers side window WHILE driving down the road, I had to pull over in some random parking lot, get out of my car, get down on my hands and knees to control my breathing so that I wouldn't lose consciousness.


.......oh yes, and the wonderful story about how I passed out in the high school bleachers at one of Brooke's basketball games when one of her team mates, Courtney King, fell during a game and broke her nose.

Well, get ready, because it gets better............... last night was the big daddy of them all.

Let me just start by saying that I am far from a hypochondriac, I'm pretty good at handling pain, and I would never call on anyone to help me with a situation unless I thought it was totally necessary. I am also not a huge fan of hospitals and doctors offices. (There's way too many sick people in these places.) I'm a person who would never go to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. And I'm a mother who would never take their child to the doctor for a runny nose and cough or fever or anything like that if I felt is wasn't serious.

So with that said, here's my story:

Last night, I basically dropped a wine glass on my wrist and sliced my wrist wide open. It immediately started gushing blood. Unfortunately, I was the only one home at the time and I couldn't get the bleeding to stop and in a nutshell, I pretty much freaked out! There was blood ALL over, and I started getting weak and light headed. I began feeling the need to vomit and I started getting dizzy. Then my arms started tingling and I started losing the feeling in my hands.

Everything would have been just fine if the stupid slash across my wrist would have just stopped bleeding for crying out loud. Even as I applied pressure to the little wound on my wrist, the blood wouldn't stop pouring out! So then, you know me.......I'm thinking that I'm going to pass out and bleed to death. I had no idea if I had cut a major artery or something and from the amount of blood streaming from my right wrist, it was hard for me to think otherwise.

I thought about calling a friend to come over and help me....yes, I would call Heather and she would calm me down, get the bleeding to stop, clean up my wound, wrap it up with a clean towel and then she could drive me to the hospital for stitches. And I even TRIED to call her, but my fingers weren't cooperating, I couldn't remember her phone numbers and I kept dropping the phone. And what good was Heather going to do, if I indeed had cut a major artery and she couldn't get the bleeding to stop anyway? It would be more time wasted waiting for her to drive the 10 minutes to my house, only to have to either call someone else or take me to the hospital which would be another 10 minutes of me losing more of my precious blood! So after several attempts to dial Heathers stupid phone number and with one last look under my blood soaked towel to see the blood STILL oozing from my wound with no indication of an end in sight, I did what I thought was the only smart thing to do.....I dialed 911.

So here I am, lying on my dining room floor, face up with my legs up resting on a chair, covered in blood, trying to hang on to the phone, apply pressure to the cut, talk to the nice 911 operator, hyperventilating and moaning, all at the same time. And hoping my daughter doesn't walk in and see me on the floor in a pool of blood before the ambulance gets to my house.

Oh, and I almost forgot, while all of this is going on, my little dog Max is by my side, licking up the blood from the floor and making nice little bright red paw prints all over my house.

Well, with all that said and done, the ambulance ended up arriving in no time at all. The nice ambulance people settled me down, and took me to the hospital where I got a big "3" stitches in my wrist which I am hoping will leave a nice big scar to remind me of what an idiot I am.

Yes............. after countless apologizing to both the ambulance technicians and the hospital staff , who by the way treated me wonderfully and did their best to convince me that I HAD did the right thing by calling 911. The doctor said I had not hit a major artery, but simply cut a smaller artery and he did assure me that the bleeding would have stopped eventually. And although I did lose a lot of blood, I didn't come close to losing a dangerous amount, Thank God!

And that's it, that's the end of my story................after getting a tetanus shot and sending me home, here I am. I can laugh about it now, but looking back, I was honestly scared!

I have never been so scared in my entire life and I truly thought I was going to die.....to bleed to death on my dining room floor. I'm so thankful that my little wound wasn't as serious as I had thought it was, or that it could have been.

Last night was the first time I have ever been in an ambulance, and lets just hope I don't have to be in one ever again!