What's with the Bacon, Larry?

I'm on a "Bowling League' now. I bowl every Thursday night with some friends  ........and our first night was last week. So I'm at the bowling alley last Thursday night and we all order some food, right? Well, the guy sitting across the table from me orders a BLT sandwich, right?   We all get our food and the guy (…we’ll just call him Larry for the sake of the story………and because his name IS Larry..……)  he opens up his sandwich and reaches in his bowling bag.    And he pulls out a handful of Bacon.  He proceeds to stack his sandwich full of the bacon - the bacon that he had brought himself  -  bacon from inside his bowling bag........and no - I'm not making this up!     All I want to know is "Is this normal bowling procedure?"  (I'm not sure, cause I've never been on a bowling league before.)    Is it normal to bring your own bacon with you?  In your bowling bag?   I spent the entire night trying to figure out what else he had hiding in there!  I kept waiting for him to pull out some potato chips or crackers, too!  Maybe some beef jerky, sliced tomatoes or cheese?  (All I can figure - is the guy really likes Bacon!)

Does anyone else think this is weird? ......is it just me?  

Let me know............cause I bowl again tonight and I'm thinking of bringing my own french fries!

It was my birthday........and not another gnome....

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, people ...

(....yeah...... for all you people who didn't wish me a happy birthday....YOU SUCK!......)  

Anyway - I'm over it now...

....but a good friend of mine (who DID remember my birthday....)

and who shall remain nameless...(Judi)

 sent me a gift.....

Yeah.....so imagine my surprise to get a package in the mail

from my dear friend - 

I tear into the package with enthusiasm and anticipation to see

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a freakin'  

"Travelocity Roaming Gnome Luggage Tag"

 

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(Damn you, Judi!)

What kind of freakin' lacy belt is that?

I have this friend – let’s call her ‘Cinnamon’, okay ......(for the sake of this story)...? 

So Cinnamon and I are really good friends, right - so we decided to go shopping the other day.  Picture us deep in our shopping festivities in Macy’s - she's in one aisle a few rows away - and I look at her from where I'm standing......  she’s got this belt thing going on around her sweater……she’s wearing a brown sweater and it looks like she’s got this rope belt or white twine around her waist…..and I can’t be sure (...I certainly don't THING I'm drunk yet....).... but I don’t think she was wearing a belt this morning.  I don’t really think too much about it and I go back to my shopping.   Then about one hour later we happen to be standing right next to each other looking at 'running shorts' in the athletic department (…..what the hell I’m doing in the athletic department.....looking at running shorts is beyond me since I haven’t RAN anywhere – let alone done any physical exercise in about 15 years, mind you….)  ….(HEY – DON’T JUDGE ME!)   

Anyway, I look at Cinnamon’s waist and she IS wearing a belt……around her waist….it’s white looking….kinda like yarn or twine or lace – or something like that…....and it's REALLY UGLY..…..and if the truth be known….it doesn't even look like a belt.........it looks totally ridiculous around her waist over her brown sweater!  And I'm thinking WTF? 

I look at her – I grab it and I say, (and I quote):  “What the hell is this?  You look ridiculous ......were you gonna buy this rope belt thing or something?’   ...(maybe it's the Vodka talking ...and I'm thinking maybe I AM drunk....)......She looks at me like I'm crazy and replies, "What are you talking about?"  ..................she glances down at where I'm grabbing her lacy-belt-rope-thingy and her eyes get wide........I mean like a 'Deer in Headlights Kinda Wide!'  

Come to find out - the white looking rope-twine-lacy thing around her waist wasn't a belt at all....

Get this - People!

(.........you're gonna freakin' DIE........)

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It's her freakin' THONG UNDERWEAR .........evidently, sometime during the day the crotch of her underwear had broken/ripped apart and her thong had creeped up around her waist and eventually made it up over her sweater.........

Once she figured out what it was, she ripped it off - totally mortified and we both laughed our asses off.........she'd been freakiin' wearing her ripped underwear around her waist all day long.............

Freakin' PRICELESS!!!!!

A REPOST: Beauty Sleep, Hybrid Panther Cats and I look like 'Monkey Butt' today...(...I'm just sayin'.....)..

In about 3 weeks I'm going up North to visit some close friends. We're getting together for a 'Girls Weekend' and I'm really excited because I haven't seen these people in quite awhile!   One of the last times that we got together was a lot of fun - BUT I did have some issues the next morning!  ........SOOOOOO, with me being both lazy and not in the mood to post lately..... (which is beside the point, really)......  I've decided to repost a post that I wrote a few years ago about the last time we got together...........ENJOY!

OK, girlfriends….it was great spending time with you guys, I’ll give you that!  But I seriously can’t believe that I looked at the clock last night and it was almost 2AM……guess it was a good thing I went to bed when I did.   NOTE: 5:30AM came way too early this morning!   …………(just thought I’d let you know - since you two bitches were still in bed when I left the house, because neither of YOU TWO had to work today......)     I did happen to hit snooze for about 40 minutes before I actually got out of bed this morning…………..… but that was after your stupid cat (who I still believe isn’t really a cat at all, but a ‘miniature hybrid panther’ judging from the size of the animal.............) …...decided to cough up hairballs for ½ hour outside my bedroom door at 4AM.  (.......it took me everything I had to not light the freakin' thing on fire.........I'm just sayin'..........) So after hitting the snooze button for 40 minutes, I finally jumped out of bed and realized I had about 5 minutes to get ready for work.  I tripped over your pet panther on my way to the bathroom (about putting my eye out and dislocating my knee.)  I did appreciate your hospitality of leaving the kitchen light on so I would be able to see while I was getting around this morning.  I made it to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, applied deodorant, threw on my clothes and headed out of the bathroom only to find someone had gotten up in the 3 1/2 minutes that it took me to get ready in the bathroom to shut ALL the freakin’ lights off in the house.  “WTHell?” Are you kidding me?  Were you people just trying to MESS with me?  Were you behind your bedroom doors covering your mouths to stifle your laughs while I tripped over the ‘pet panther cat’ and cussed while trying to find my way around your house with my arms outstretched in the pitch dark like a blind woman who had lost her cane?   Evidently no one in your house has ever heard of a little invention called a ‘NIGHT LIGHT’.    I did decide to use my cell phone screen as a make-shift flashlight, I  made it outside to my car, which you so graciously let me park in your garage, (......but you did forget to tell me where the freakin’ door opener was………thank you very much - friend.....) spent the next 5 minutes searching the walls of the garage for the garage door opener, which ended up being INSIDE your house door (who the freak puts the garage door button INSIDE the house)  Nobody…….heellloooooooo!     Once my car was out of your garage, picture me spending the next 7 minutes attempting to close the garage door by pushing the button and running to try to make it under the door before it closed….(.......yeah...close your eyes....see it in your mind, will you.......)........well, it didn’t work…......some idiot decided to put a little feature in THIS garage door that prevents it from closing when I run under it............GENIOUS, I TELL YOU............I pretty much thought I'd pass out from all that running back and forth......…at this point let the damn garage door come down and crush me...........I already have a bum eye and limp from falling over the panther, remember?  (Oh and my car thermometer registered a whopping 2 degrees outside this morning friends...good thing I was working up a sweat running back and forth under the damn garage door)   …….That's when I realized I didn’t put my car in park as I watched it begin to roll down your driveway.   OMG…….ARE YOU KIDDING ME!   Sorry, closing the garage door just didn’t seem too important to me right then……..”In fact – SCREW THE GARAGE DOOR………Now picture me running down the driveway toward my car........good thing I'm up to date with my 'Chuck Norris moves 'making it easier for me to slip inside and hit the brakes before my car backed down into the ditch.   (It's actually a miracle that I didn’t kill myself this morning, now that I think about it)  I have a headache right now and I about fell asleep on my way to work…….. I kept slapping myself across the face and hanging my arm out the window to keep me awake for the 1 ½ hour drive.  And for future reference – you should know that I require a minimum of 7 hours of beauty sleep to maintain my fabulous hot-ness on a daily basis!.......  So make a note!  (3 hours of sleep just doesn’t cut it anymore!)  I just looked in the mirror and I look like 'MONKEY ASS' today!  I have absolutely no makeup on, I forgot to comb my hair and I just noticed my shirt was on inside out!  And something stinks .............and I can't be sure, but it might be me!  (It's another miracle that they allow me to work here looking like this!)  Oh yeah…..and did I mention on my 1 1/2 hour drive to work this morning that I was about ready to stab a fork in the eyeball of the guy who decided to tailgate me for a 40 mile stretch of highway (with his ‘High Beams’ on………thank you very much, Jack-ass)  ….because apparently 60 miles an hour isn’t fast enough to drive at 6AM in the morning ………. pitch dark outside, trying to dodge deer and all the other objects that were in my vision due to my night blindness, and on top of that it was snowing SIDEWAYS outside, you moron!    Anyway.......Love you Kelly and Mary!  How was your freakin' morning? 

                                                                                       

Softball, Drunkin Scorekeeping and Sex!

The following bit is a 'little piece' taken from an email in response to my friend Porscha when she emailed me wanting to know how things have been going with me since we hadn't talked in awhile.  I won't bore you with the entire email....here's just a portion of it:


And I quote:  "Actually I'm nursing a hangover today, Porscha. No that's not quite true.....I don't really have a hangover...I can't be sure - but I think I'm pretty much still drunk from last night.  (Hairymans Softball night) And I was on a roll - trust me!  I was supposed to be keeping score.  And it is obvious from last night that I'm pretty much the WORSE 'score-keeper' of all time....in fact, maybe the worse scorekeeper in the whole universe.   I kept screwing up and getting the score wrong....even the ref was making jokes about what a sucky scorekeeper I was.   All the people in the bleachers were laughing at me.  And I didn't even think I was that drunk....(.....so I thought....)   But I can't be sure!   At one point, one of the players was quite irritated with me.   In fact, he actually took the book away from me and gave it to someone else to keep the score-book!    (...well....I really didn't want to keep score anyway......I just can't be trusted to pay that close attention to a softball game when there's alcohol and friends involved.......what the freak were they thinking putting me in charge of the book and keeping score anyway?)


Cinnamon took me to her house after the games.......all I remember is chowing down 'taquitos' and 'taco meat' and 'left-over mashed potatoes' and I think there was dancing.........yes, I'm pretty sure that dancing was involved.........I can't quite remember if there was music playing or not, tho........I might have been just 'getting my groove on' out on the dance floor with myself in silence (....the dance floor being Cinnamon's kitchen, of course....)   

Then Cinnamon's daughter took me home.....(......thank God for teenagers that can drive......)


I got home and was all horny of course - so I took a shower, shaved my legs, brushed my teeth....(attempted to get my sexy on)....butt-naked and lotioned up - and crawled into bed to wait for Hairyman to get home....


Next thing I know I'm laying on the couch with Max (my dog) lying beside me.............haven't a clue how I got there ......my legs are cut up and raw from razor burn (NOTE TO SELF: Don't shave legs while drunk)..........I have dried toothpaste all over my face (NOTE TO SELF: Don't brush teeth while drunk).....I don't even remember Hairyman getting home.....and I'm not sure if Hairyman and I ever did have sex or not..............I'm just hoping that I didn't have sex with Max!"    End of Quote


IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  This email and post was written with the sole purpose of humor.......(that's what I do - make people laugh).......in no way what-so-ever did I or have I ever had sex with my dog!   ......I'm just sayin'......                                                             

....Hellloooooo.......I DON'T Golf, people.............

Yeah, I know, I know......I've been missing in action lately!   Hey, people - I'm busy!  As much as I'd love to be online 24-7, I do have a life! 

I did go golfing last night with some friends (who will remain nameless)......... just kidding.........their names are Porscha, Cinnamon and Amy (I can't remember Amy's 'Bar Name' - so I'll stick with calling her by her real name for now.)

Key points of the night:
1.) First of all - I DON'T GOLF!  I just ride around in the cart and drink cocktails and look pretty.  My friends don't really mind me not golfing and stuff - they just take me along 'cause I'm FUN!' (....either that or they take me along so they'll have someone to laugh at and make fun of all night....I'm not sure....)
2.) Evidently, I didn't get the memo regarding 'GOLF ATTIRE' because everyone showed up in BLACK skorts/shorts, while I on the other hand wore WHITE shorts and I looked like the 'Out-of-Place-Aunt-from-Idaho all night long!'   ....(..........Thanks, guys - by the way!....)....

3.) Who the Hell is in charge of the 'porta-johns' on the course, anyway.......(...hellllloooooo.............ONE FLIPPIN' TOILET per 9 holes just DOESN'T cut it, people!............seriously........)  And would it be TOO much trouble to install a mirror on the porti-john wall so I can monitor my hottness every now and then?

4.) One always thinks they take enough alcohol with them..........well..........don't underestimate your drinking ability.....trust me........YOU RUN OUT!

5.) It's a good idea when riding in the cart to keep your mouth closed!  Trust me!    Not only did I have bugs flying in my mouth all night long.........but I'm pretty sure something flew up my nose and took up housekeeping there for the longest time........and I'm pretty certain that it laid eggs up there, too..............(...........I'm just sayin'...........)....... 

6.) IMPORTANT:  When you agree to share a cart with your golf partner and she's the driver..........it is always important to make sure she actually a.) is not a 'Psycho Driver' who has a hidden passion to join Nascar or b.) has a secret agenda to KILL YOU.......I'm fairly certain that Jumping  'bunkers' and taking corners on 2 wheels is not appropriate golf cart etiquette!   .....(....I remember telling Cinnamon repeatedly that I didn't want to die!)

7.) It gets freakin' HOT out there on the course sometimes.......wouldn't it be a good idea to install one of those misting fans at every tee?  Imagine getting cooled off each hole by a fan blowing cool mist your way...............hellloooooo.........great idea or what?

8.) Apparently, I'm not 'in tune' with what one actually NEEDS on the golf course.  While most golfers take golf clubs, tees, golf balls, ball markers, divot fixers, golf gloves, score cards........I - on the other hand - take lotion, lipstick and foundation, a mirror, my cellphone, IPod, hairspray, sunglasses, reading glasses, my jack-knife, suntan lotion, battery charger, fingernail polish and my flask of Vodka. 

.......HEY - I Don't Golf, remember.............how the 'freak' do I know what one takes on the course with them?

I've decided I'm going to go out and buy myself a cute little golf outfit, a golf glove, and a 'girlie golf bag' .........................oh no - not for golf clubs and tees, mind you.............I don't actually GOLF, remember?   I'm going to use my golf bag as a cooler, and a place to put all of my necessities .............for all that other stuff that I may need out there.  (....hey......I don't like to get caught off guard without my mace.....)    .....(....and I may throw a putter in there too......because sometimes they let me putt...)

"I'LL SHOW THEM, Damn-it!"

Have I told you lately how AWESOME I am?

I’m a terrible friend………but I’m not going to take all the blame……how many times have I told you people that you can’t expect TOO MUCH out of me!


Last month, my good friend, Dazee Dreamer, over at ‘Crazy Daze & Nite Dreams’ gave me an award BECAUSE I'M SO AWESOME.....helllloooooooo.    She’s pretty awesome herself and I like her a lot!  I can seriously say that she’s ALMOST as funny and ALMOST as cool as me!   ALMOST!   So if you haven’t went and checked out her blog…..quit being lame and go say hello ….be sure to tell her that I sent you over……actually – if you visit her blog and mention my name, you’ll get a free 48 inch flat-screen TV and a paid subscription to People magazine…….(…..NO - not really…..I just made that up…..she probably won’t give you anything…….but go visit her anyway…..She’s really funny!)

Anyway….she gave me a ‘Versatile Blogger Award’ because I’m SO COOL!

So now I have to tell you 7 things about myself….so here goes…..

1.) I drank A Lot of beer last night and I’m really Gas-y today! I keep farting and blaming it on my co-worker……you know - the one that nobody likes!

2.) If I take all of my clothes off and stand sideways naked in the mirror – I look pregnant!

3.) I LOVE to be the center of attention and I like to talk about myself constantly! (I KNOW you already know this….but sometimes I feel like I need to refresh your memory every now and then!)

Yes, I know……..that’s only 3 things…..but I can’t think of anything else right now – so deal with it!    Oh and another thing, I’m supposed to give this award to a few others that are deserving, but I’m being a BITCH today and don’t feel like sharing!

……………… thanks again Dazee! You’re the Best!

Dear Porscha,

Porscha:  You know that 'Web Class' that I'm taking? ...(...you know...the class that's kicking my *SS and even tho I've made it thru the first 8 lessons, I'm still completely LOST and don't think I've learned ANYTHING....)

Well...... last night I did the last 4 lessons  ..... (...you know...the 4 lessons that I was behind on because I'm lazy and I've been putting them off cause' I'm not really learning anything anyway...........remember?.......you know - lessons #9, #10, #11 and #12....) ....and you'll be happy to know that I got 100% on all of the quizzes..... making my total grades for lessons #1 thru #12 - 100% on ALL of the quizzes.......Yes - I ROCK!    Aren't you proud?! ...(...heck yeah...you better be proud, girlfriend.......this shit is freakin' HARD!)     Yeah...I know....the quizzes were open book........ and I cheated?   ............(....hey.... don't judge me!)   

You didn't really think I'd pass the quizzes on my own did you?     Are you freakin' retarded?    Do you EVEN KNOW ME?    I'm really just NOT THAT SMART.........(....hey can I help it that I've been blessed with phenomenal looks and not brains?...........I'm just sayin'.....)

(for those of you who missed this post....I've been taking a Web Class and the 12 lessons in the class are not graded - they are open book.  The only thing graded is the final exam....try to keep up, people....)

So now that I've made it thru the 12 lessons, the final exam is the only thing left.  The final exam is due April 8th ............(........and if the exam has ANYTHING to do with the content that has been in the 12 lessons........ I'M DOOMED!)  .....(....cause remember......I haven't actually came even remotely close to LEARNING ANYTHING from this class so far, remember?.....)

On a more positive note:  I'm feeling pretty awesome -  cause I've stuck it out regardless - and made it thru 12 entire lessons ...(...even tho I wanted to throw in the towel after the first lesson cause this class is so FREAKIN' hard and WAY BEYOND my learning capability...........HEY.........I'm just sayin'.......)   

                  I'll keep you posted!  

Happy Freakin' Friday, People!

Alright……..enough already about the parasitic problems in my head……looks like they’ve taken care of themselves on their own...thank you very much, my friends.....   And I realize now that the ‘parasitic worms’ and ‘nesting tarantula hatchlings’ were just a figment of my imagination and I have to admit that they WERE NEVER REAL, and they NEVER REALLY EXISTED!   (....at least that's what I keep telling myself.....until the voices in my head start telling me otherwise..........)


Oh, and my good friend, Sherri - over at "The Mess that is my Mind" talked me into rubbing 'Cat Piss' all over my body!

Well, hey…..she told me that Cat Pee repels garden gnomes and since Sherri and I are ‘Blogging BFF’s’ and all….    (….well, Sherri doesn’t really know that we’re best friends….....BUT WE ARE..........I don't care what SHE SAYS - WE ARE, Damn it!)

....(…kinda like most of my friends don’t really know that they’re my best friends….)....

....(…they just play along with me…because they don’t want to hurt my feeling……either that or they’re scared of me…….) ...

....I’m just sayin’…….

So NOW I’m walking around smelling like Cat Piss ……..and my dog keeps trying to have sex with my leg!

              

My Web Class is 'Kicking my *SS'....and I still have my Parasitic Worm!

My friend, Porscha, e-mailed me the other day:
Okay Jenny, what the hell is going on with you today? How is your eye? I have to read about your medical ailments on your blog?   Oh, and I don't think an entire cheesecake is part of the cleansing program. :-)  If it is, sign me up!!
How's school going? Caught up yet?  Later, Porscha

My response:

Ok, Porscha.......my freakin' web-class is kicking my *SS!   I'm on lesson #8 (and I'm supposed to be on lesson #10) so THAT means I'm 2 lessons behind! Can you tell me "Which is a block level element that allows me to specify logical divisions within the content of a Web page......a class, a span, a DIV, or a Style?"......I'm completely freakin' LOST! .....AND "Can you tell me which is an element used within the Head section of an HTML document to contain CSS style rules?" .........AGAIN.......I'm completely utterly FREAKIN' LOST! So you ask me how I'm doing in my Web Class?    The only reason I'm EVEN PASSING it at this point in time is because I'm 'CHEATING'......the quizzes are all multiple choice and open book....so I can look up the answers ....The only thing graded is the final exam.....and unless the final exam is 1.) multiple choice, 2.) open book, and 3.) NOT timed...I haven't a chance of passing this freakin' class!

Oh.....and the parasitic worm that has been living in my eyeball the last couple of days has moved to my tooth now!  The swelling and red puffiness in my eye is gone now.   ....didn't you read my last post? .....helllooooooooo......

Yeah...it's moved to my tooth now!  My 'Tooth Gum' is all inflamed and puffy and hurts....and NO I haven't went to the doctor YET...are you kidding...I'm seeing how many areas of MY BODY can become infested by worms before I actually get it taken care of by a professional.  Hey....here's a thought............MAYBE the worms will move to my stomach NEXT and they'll start eating my BELLY FAT and 'Muffin-Top'!!!

Oh, and I'm totally disgusted with myself for eating an entire cheesecake for breakfast....if HairyMan finds out, he's gonna 'FREAKIN' kill me!    Later, Venus

.......(Note: If you're new to my blog, Venus is my alter ego....you know the one that gets me into trouble all of the time!)

(picture courtesy of the internet)

Do you know how 'Cool' I am?

I've been on vacation for the last week (I'll have to tell you all about it.....but that's another post altogether)........and imagine my surprise when I returned home............to see that I got an award!    OMGosh, people..........I'm sooooo excited!   (In fact, I just peed myself!)

My new friend Sharon - over at 'It's Random, But Relevant - To Me' is so cool........ and funny and she's strong (not 'He-Man' Strong, but mentally - emotionally strong, that is............well........she COULD be really strong......maybe she lifts weights and stuff....but I'm not sure......... I just know she's 'One Tuff Cookie' in the 'living life' category!)    And she's pretty (I mean - not as pretty as me........hellllooooo.....but she's really close to being as pretty as me...........I'm just sayin').....anyway.....she thinks I'M funny and she gave me the 'LOL Award'!  So she's my new best friend, now!  You'll have to go check her out at her Blog!  She's a really 'Neat Lady!'  ...........in fact, we're best friends now........(.......I'm not sure she knows we're best friends yet, but trust me........we are!) 

So - I got this award.................and I'm feeling all 'Big Headed' and 'Sure of Myself' and 'Awesome' and thinking that 'My SH*T Don't Stink' now............(yeah............ you can thank my good friend, Sharon, for that.......thank you very much)..........so now I have to follow the rules of the award!

.......The rules for this Award are as follows:

1.) Link to the person who awarded you...........(for those of you who haven't been paying attention... that's SHARON at 'It's Random, But Relevant - To Me' ..........try to keep up, people!)

2.) State 7 unknown facts about yourself........I listed 6 ............(....yeah....I know............I broke the rules.......so sue me!)

         1. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a vampire! (......I mean  - I don't go ahead and bite peoples neck and suck their blood and other creepy stuff like that......I'm just sayin'.....but vampires are Cool!)

         2. Sometimes I put my 'Coyote Ugly Buttless Chaps' on and walk around the house - when no one else is home....(.....and I look at my *SS in the mirror...to see how fabulous it looks....)

         3. My son is getting married in 5 months and not only will this wedding be all about the 2 of them..............but it definitely will be 'all about me'  as well............(cause' everything is usually ALL ABOUT ME.................)  ........(.......helllooooooo.......mother of the groom..........)

          4. I'm a 'Closet Eater' and I have been for quite some time..........(.......I'm not gonna lie.......I like to EAT when no one is around..........usually ends up with food being all over my face!)

          5. I've become seriously obsessed with 'Garden Gnomes' (....and not in a good way, people.....) ......they seriously FREAK ME OUT ...............in fact.......... I'm in the works creating another blog dedicated to the evils of these little 'red-hatted' killers!   ....(yeah, I know....not another 'Gnome Blog'.......)

          6.  I'd leave HairyMan in a heartbeat for Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson!  (.....and HairyMan's OK with that! ........I really don't think he's too worried...)..........I'm just sayin'..............
3.) Award to Seven other people who you think are funny.....(I picked 6!.........yeah, I know....I broke the rules again.........Hey, Sharon.......don't even think of takin' this award away from me..............)

           *SumSum over at Disco Lemonade :  She's the crazy neighbor your parents warned you about!

   *Laura over at Fetch My Flying Monkeys:  I just found her blog.......and I haven't quite figured her out yet!
*Chrissy over at I Shoulda Been a Stripper: I'm new to this blog, but I like her...in fact we may become best friends..........she wants to be a Stripper and thinks she's a Vampire!  :):)
   *Alexis over at One Cluttered Brain:  She cracks me up with her 'vlogging', she's funny, and she's not afraid to let her hair down!
 *Dazee Dreamer over at Crazy Daze and Nite Dreams:  I never read a post without laughing.......she thinks I'm funny and I think she's funny...so we have a lot in common!
   *Sandra over at Absolutely Narcissism:  I stumbled upon this blog and now I'm addicted! 

                                      Thanks, Sharon.....you're the BEST! 

Letters from Jenny.........Beauty Sleep, Hybrid Panther Cats and I look like "Monkey Butt"!

OK, girlfriends….it was great spending time with you guys, I’ll give you that!  But I seriously can’t believe that I looked at the clock last night and it was almost 2AM……guess it was a good thing I went to bed when I did.   NOTE: 5:30AM came way too early this morning!   …………(just thought I’d let you know - since you two bitches were still in bed when I left the house, because neither of YOU TWO had to work today......)     I did happen to hit snooze for about 40 minutes before I actually got out of bed this morning…………..… but that was after your stupid cat (who I still believe isn’t really a cat at all, but a ‘miniature hybrid panther’ judging from the size of the animal.............) …...decided to cough up hairballs for ½ hour outside my bedroom door at 4AM.  (.......it took me everything I had to not light the freakin' thing on fire.........I'm just sayin'..........) So after hitting the snooze button for 40 minutes, I finally jumped out of bed and realized I had about 5 minutes to get ready for work.  I tripped over your pet panther on my way to the bathroom (about putting my eye out and dislocating my knee.)  I did appreciate your hospitality of leaving the kitchen light on so I would be able to see while I was getting around this morning.  I made it to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, applied deodorant, threw on my clothes and headed out of the bathroom only to find someone had gotten up in the 3 1/2 minutes that it took me to get ready in the bathroom to shut ALL the freakin’ lights off in the house.  “WTF?” Are you kidding me?  Were you people just trying to “F*CK” with me?  Were you behind your bedroom doors covering your mouths to stifle your laughs while I tripped over the ‘pet panther cat’ and cussed while trying to find my way around your house with my arms outstretched in the pitch dark like a blind woman who had lost her cane?   Evidently no one in your house has ever heard of a little invention called a ‘NIGHT LIGHT’.    I did decide to use my cell phone screen as a make-shift flashlight, I  made it outside to my car, which you so graciously let me park in your garage, (......but you did forget to tell me where the freakin’ door opener was………thank you very much - friend.....) spent the next 5 minutes searching the walls of the garage for the garage door opener, which ended up being INSIDE your house door (who the freak puts the garage door button INSIDE the house)  Nobody…….heellloooooooo!     Once my car was out of your garage, picture me spending the next 7 minutes attempting to close the garage door by pushing the button and running to try to make it under the door before it closed….(.......yeah...close your eyes....see it in your mind, will you.......)........well, it didn’t work…......some idiot decided to put a little feature in THIS garage door that prevents it from closing when I run under it............GENIOUS, I TELL YOU............I pretty much thought I'd pass out from all that running back and forth......…at this point let the damn garage door come down and crush me...........I already have a bum eye and limp from falling over the pather, remember?  (Oh and my car thermometer registered a whopping 2 degrees outside this morning friends...good thing I was working up a sweat running back and forth under the damn garage door)   …….That's when I realized I didn’t put my car in park as I watched it begin to roll down your driveway.   OMG…….ARE YOU KIDDING ME!   Sorry, closing the garage door just didn’t seem too important to me right then……..”In fact – SCREW THE GARAGE DOOR………Now picture me running down the driveway toward my car........good thing I'm up to date with my 'Chuck Norris moves 'making it easier for me to slip inside and hit the brakes before my car backed down into the ditch.   (It's actually a miracle that I didn’t kill myself this morning, now that I think about it)  I have a headache right now and I about fell asleep on my way to work…….. I kept slapping myself across the face and hanging my arm out the window to keep me awake for the 1 ½ hour drive.  And for future reference – you should know that I require a minimum of 7 hours of beauty sleep to maintain my fabulous hot-ness on a daily basis!.......  So make a note!  (3 hours of sleep just doesn’t cut it anymore!)  I just looked in the mirror and I look like 'MONKEY ASS' today!  I have absolutely no makeup on, I forgot to comb my hair and I just noticed my shirt was on inside out!  And something stinks .............and I can't be sure, but it might be me!  (It's another miracle that they allow me to work here looking like this!)  Oh yeah…..and did I mention on my 1 1/2 hour drive to work this morning that I was about ready to stab a fork in the eyeball of the guy who decided to tailgate me for a 40 mile stretch of highway (with his ‘High Beams’ on………thank you very much, Jack-ass)  ….because apparently 60 miles an hour isn’t fast enough to drive at 6AM in the morning ………. pitch dark outside, trying to dodge deer and all the other objects that were in my vision due to my night blindness, and on top of that it was snowing SIDEWAYS outside, you moron!    Anyway.......Love you Kelly and Mary!  How was your freakin' morning? 

Wanna celebrate with me? You bring the Tequila, I'll bring my 'Butt-less Chaps'!

I’m so excited I could just pee myself!
I now officially have '100 followers' on my blog and I’m all bubbly and star-struck!   If you could see me now – I’m up on an end table in my living room doing the ‘groin-grind’ and ‘fist pump’ and mouthin’ the words to ‘I am woman hear me roar!’

All thanks too my new friend,  Jenny ............she found my blog on-line and actually likes me (………..probably because she doesn’t really know me too well, yet……….give her time…….before long - she’ll think I’m a weirdo, just like all you other people who read my blog…………..)   (......hey......what the 'freak' do all you people know anyway.........GEEZ!)     Anyway, my new friend, Jenny thinks I’m awesome and funny and gorgeous and smart and the best thing to hit the world since soft butter………..(well, she didn’t REALLY USE those words and ACTUALLY SAY those things about me….but …….helllloooooo……who wouldn't think I'm funny and 'HOT' and awesome and stuff?  )   …I think she’s pretty awesome too!   So you’ll have to go visit her at http://pearsonreport.blogspot.com/ and check her out.    NOTE:   Did you notice her name is Jenny, too?  (....yeah, she's a copy-cat......!)   In fact I think she went out and changed her name just so she could be like me......hellllooooooo.........  (No - not really......I just made that part up............... I'm pretty sure she was born with that name actually......but wouldn't it be cool if she DID go out and have her name legally changed to match my name - because she wanted to be just like me?.........that would be so 'freakin' awesome.............I mean........in a creepy-stalker-kind of way!   .......I'm just sayin'...........)

..................SO BECAUSE I now have 100 followers ……....I think it's only appropriate to tell you 100 interesting things about myself! ..........but stay tuned.........that's gonna have to be a whole 'nother post! (......you know how I detest LONG posts........)


So.....I'm sending a big THANK YOU instead - to all of my followers (or people who just stop by my blog secretly when know one is looking) who make time in their day to read my blog and stay tuned!  I know how busy you all are with your lives and it makes me feel special to know you're reading my stuff!  You're the best!

Yeah.....(...yeah, I just have to add...........) that word must be getting around how COOL I am........(....not that it should surprise you all.......what with it all being about me! )  Yes, if you're NEW to my blog - you should know "Life is All about Me!"  (..........hey it's MY blog!   I can write what I want!)  

I've kinda summed it up like this:  "I think I'm like this really annoying girl that just won't go away......and you don't even really like me.....in fact you find me kind of conceded and irritating........ and as much as you try to ignore me............I just keeps popping up and won't leave you alone............so you find yourself just continually coming back for MORE!"       

My 'Biker Babe' Friend.....I've got an ITCH.....AND I'm Voting for Pedro!

Just some random things today............

1.) This morning I grabbed my deodorant and sprayed my entire head……before I realized it wasn’t my hairspray!

2.) I’ve decided that when the next presidential election comes around………..I’m voting for Pedro!

3.) OM'freakin' Gosh....I can't quit itching today............my neck itches, my arms itch, my butt itches, my back itches, my calves itch......even my fingers itch!  It's driving me crazy....I'm either allergic to something or I got bugs!  I've been itching all day, and now I have red welts all over my body (.....and yes, I did shower this morning, people!)

4.) I love getting drunk and THEN looking in the mirror……cause I LOOK AWESOME when I drink!

5.) Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a VAMPIRE……. (just so you know……..)


6.) A friend of mine ...........let's call her Chris.....( 'cause that's her name )  ....well she's a 'Biker Babe' now - 'cause she and her husband got a 'Harley' and they go ridin', out on the open rode (that's Biker talk, in case you don't know the lingo)     Well, she got chaps.........and this is how it went down:

Chris:  "Hey Jenny, I went shopping and bought myself a pair of Chaps."

Me:  "What the Freak do YOU need 'Chaps' for?"

Chris:  "For bike riding....when me and Chris (that's her husbands name, too, I know.......confusing....) go bike riding, I need leathers (that's biker lingo for coats and chaps and leather stuff)...so I bought a leather coat and some chaps."

Me:  "Are they butt-less chaps?" (...I'm thinking....cool...)

Chris: "Jenny, ALL chaps are butt-less!"  (...she laughs as if I'm stupid...)

Me:  "OH MY Gosh.....you're gonna wear butt-less chaps out on the bike with Chris?  No, way!"   (...now I'm thinking......awesome wicked cool...)

Chris:  "Jenny.....I'm gonna wear jeans under them, for crying out loud!"  (....she's laughing and looking at me as if I'm an idiot...)

Me:  "OH" ......"Boring!" (...for a split second there - I thought she may have been the most coolest girl I know....)   (...shoulda' known better......I'm actually the coolest girl I know.....helllooooooo....)
 (photo courtesy of the internet)

Recovering from my 'Thong Accident', Hula Hoop Girl and a Day at the Golf Course!

Well, first of all, I'm still recovering from my 'Thong Accident' from last week!  (My buttocks are healing quite nicely....thank you!)

I got to meet 'Hula Hoop Girl'........no kidding......she Hula Hoops for a living....she won 'Flints Got Talent' in 2009.   .Her name is Laura......she's cute and a whole lot of fun!  (.....I mean...she's NOT as fun as I AM of course, but hey..... she's OK!)  She was all about getting attention with her Hula Hoop AT FIRST..........but it didn't take me long to put her in her place and explain to her that it's NOT all about her...........It's ALL About Me!     (As soon as she understood that, we got along just fine!)  

Golfing was a blast on Saturday!  Not that I actually golfed or anything..............(....remember that whole conversation about me being eye candy on the course and all.......try to keep up.....)  Well, I DID look phenomenal in my little golf outfit......not that that should surprise you.........helloooooo............

And guess what? ...................I got my OWN cart!  .....WHY YES, WE GOT CARTS...............I DON'T EVEN golf for petes sake,  you didn't actually think I was gonna walk the damn course did you?  Do you NOT KNOW ME, people?    (.....I know, you're thinking who in their right mind would allow me to be in charge of my own golf cart..................)  .......SO..... not only was I looking awesome on the course........... my BFF's (Porscha, Amy, Laura and Jessica) let me be IN CHARGE of the COOLER!  .......what the HELL were they thinking, I ask you?..........  (I never claimed to have the most intelligent friends....I'm just saying.)  So basically...... I'm looking HOT......in my OWN cart....... by myself.....and in charge of the Alcohol......OH, and in charge of the music, TOO...(well, not really IN CHARGE of the music, but I got to keep the music in MY CART!)...........I think the music was Laura's idea.....(remember, Hula Hoop Girl?)........OMGOSH.....talk about PRESSURE! (I don't know how they thought I could keep up with looking beautiful, in charge of drinks and songs, trying to maneuver my cart in a sober fashion, while trying to be on the lookout for the 'Golf Police' and rabid grizzly bears and Garden Gnomes)..........and what do you mean, MUSIC? ON A GOLF COURSE?  Everyone knows you CAN'T golf without music ......geez......nothing better than trying to make a putt ...with Taio Cruz is singing "I Put My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes!" out of the IPOD.......I'm just saying.  (well, pretty much a recipe for disaster ....if I do say so myself!)  The four of them (my friends, that is) are pretty good golfers - I have to admit!  (Amy could have golfed better, mind you, but I think I kept distracting her with my HOTNESS!  Or, maybe it was my dancing!  Hey - it's not my fault she kept joining in and shakin' her groove thing with me and 'USHER' out there on the course!)  Hey, it wasn't MY idea to bring the MUSIC.....and put it in MY cart!   Hey, my friends should know me by now, right?....they didn't really expect me to just sit there in my cart and keep my mouth shut all day long, did they!   (I think that's why they invited me, anyway....to amuse them!)  .....and trust me it doesn't take much to amuse Amy and Porscha (they normally just amuse themselves!)

WELL, needless to say, while my fellow friends concentrated

on their golf games, I on the other hand, 'Got Drunk and told Jokes!'   Did you know that it's hard to focus on your golf game with a loud obnoxious funny 'HOT' woman with you?  Well, (they told me.....repeatedly....) apparently it is!  Anyway.........what a fun day!  I laughed so hard I

couldn't stop peeing my pants.  By the way, we talked about that, too (peeing my pants, that is).  But I won't get into that....(NOTE TO SELF:  Next time, bring more depends!)  Yeah I pee myself a lot...just in case you're new to my blog! 

Yeah, incontinence is a BITCH, girlfriends!

(photo courtesy of the internet)

Random things and thoughts today!

First of all...............I ate a leftover 'chicken thigh' from Kentucky Fried Chicken and 4 donuts on the way to work this morning.......................(YES............if you're just tuning in.................I'm a hog!)

I've decided my life is SO much better when I have a 'Tan'!

Each day, when I get home from work, I normally go put on an old T-shirt, a pair of sweats, my eyeglasses and put my hair up in a bun or a messy pony-tail...............Hairyman ALWAYS tells me how attractive I'm looking................(I think he's being sarcastic!)

OH...............and I've also decided that I'm not wearing 'thong' underwear anymore.............. if you MUST know.........it CHAFES me!   The other day I had a pair on and they got caught on the bracelet that I was wearing and I got a huge wedgie......... and I'm talking "MEGA - Wedge" girlfriends..........I was chafed, swollen up and bleeding from between my buttocks............not a good picture  - just so you know.  So I'm back to the 'big girl panties', now! 

Hairyman and I are going Golfing this weekend with a bunch of friends..........(my girlfriend, Porscha, knows that I don't golf, but invites me anyway.........she says I can go be 'Eye Candy' on the course......................what a nice friend!).......................I mean, NOT that I'LL be doing any golfing, mind you.....................I'm simply going because I like dressing up in my cute little golf outfit, driving around in the cart,  and drinking cocktails all day, while everyone else golfs!     

OH....................and I THINK I was a stripper in a past life!

'Happy Labor Day' everyone!  Hope you all have a fun and safe weekend!

I Got An Award....(Do you know how cool I am?)

I'm sooooooo excited, girlfriends!  One of my new friends nominated me for an award today!   Marty over at 'Barefoot and Ponytailed' thinks I'm cool!  (.............well, Duh......hellllooooo......)  You can go check out her blog at http://oneclutteredbrain.blogspot.com/  She's a real cool lady, too...........just like ME!  

So a SPECIAL  WHoop!  WhooP!  Goes out to MARTY today!  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!   So now I'm supposed to tell you 7 things about myself and nominate a few of my favorite bloggers who I feel deserve to be recognized!  So here goes..................

~ABOUT ME ~

1.) I LOVE being the center of attention!  (........so today it's ALL ABOUT ME and MY AWARD, People!)

2.) I love 'Cheeseburgers'........ (.......probably the reason why I'm Fat!)

3.) I make a habit of hanging out with my UGLY friends, to make myself look better!  (..........you think I'm joking!  HA!)

4.) This Saturday, July 31, 2010 will mark 'one year' that I've been blogging...........so........happy anniversary to me!

5.) I have 'flying monkeys' that at times I let loose to reek havoc on a.) stupid people, OR b.) random bitches who piss me off!  (..........again.........you think I'm joking, don't you  ?)

6.) I LOVE to Dance!  and I know how to do the 'Thriller Dance'  (.........and I have NO problem getting up in public places - like packed bars and wedding receptions - and making a fool out of myself while I attempt to remember all of the moves............)    .....cause this is Thrilllllerrrrrrrr, Thillller night.....and no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike............

7.) I have serious issues about 'Garden Gnomes'! 

Now.........here's a couple ladies that are pretty awesome! (........I mean....not as awesome as me, of course.......but pretty cool, nontheless!........)  So go check them out...........because I'm extending this award to them!    

        

 I.)Go visit Angie at http://www.likeshessomebody.com/

II,) there's one funny lady at http://oneclutteredbrain.blogspot.com/

AND

III.)  you've just gotta check out this Cashier at http://confessionsofcashier.blogspot.com/

"Are You Addicted?"

I found a new friend (I love new friends) while chit-chating on 'BlogFrog'.......her name is Alexes and she's over at 'One Cluttered Brain'....you'll have to go check her out at http://oneclutteredbrain.blogspot.com/.  She's really funny (not as funny as me, of course, but hey.....I'm just sayin'......)  Just kidding....she's REALLY one funny lady!  She's my newest blog friend....I figure we'll be 'BBF's' one day (she really doesn't know it yet, but I'm sure we will.)  HA!

.....anyway.....I was visiting her community (on blog frog) and she was asking a question: "What are your daily addictions?" ..............well, 'Holy Freak', SHE has a LOT of additions.........(and I told her so)..........and I shared mine, too!  And I told her I was gonna write a post about her 'addiction question'...............(and see.........I really did!)  .........SO....what am I addicited to, you ask?

"Let's see....1.) Energy Drinks.........specifically 'Red Bull' (sugar free) (even better with a touch of Vodka)


2.) I'm not only addicted to Facebook, but those D_MN Facebook games.....(Heaven help me if I don't 'harvest' a freakin' crop on time!)


3.) Blogging (.......well, duh.....................helllloooooo!)


4.) I also am addicted to 'clean underwear'....I change my undies about 3 times a day, as a matter of fact.........(It may have something to do with me peeing my pants all the time)............yeah, I have issues, people!


And quite recently I've become addicted to 5.) Ranch flavored sunflower seeds (..................in fact my tongue is raw from sucking all the salt off them, then trying to open the little suckers up to find the little treasure hiding inside!)


What are you addicted to?