....Hellloooooo.......I DON'T Golf, people.............

Yeah, I know, I know......I've been missing in action lately!   Hey, people - I'm busy!  As much as I'd love to be online 24-7, I do have a life! 

I did go golfing last night with some friends (who will remain nameless)......... just kidding.........their names are Porscha, Cinnamon and Amy (I can't remember Amy's 'Bar Name' - so I'll stick with calling her by her real name for now.)

Key points of the night:
1.) First of all - I DON'T GOLF!  I just ride around in the cart and drink cocktails and look pretty.  My friends don't really mind me not golfing and stuff - they just take me along 'cause I'm FUN!' (....either that or they take me along so they'll have someone to laugh at and make fun of all night....I'm not sure....)
2.) Evidently, I didn't get the memo regarding 'GOLF ATTIRE' because everyone showed up in BLACK skorts/shorts, while I on the other hand wore WHITE shorts and I looked like the 'Out-of-Place-Aunt-from-Idaho all night long!'   ....(..........Thanks, guys - by the way!....)....

3.) Who the Hell is in charge of the 'porta-johns' on the course, anyway.......(...hellllloooooo.............ONE FLIPPIN' TOILET per 9 holes just DOESN'T cut it, people!............seriously........)  And would it be TOO much trouble to install a mirror on the porti-john wall so I can monitor my hottness every now and then?

4.) One always thinks they take enough alcohol with them..........well..........don't underestimate your drinking ability.....trust me........YOU RUN OUT!

5.) It's a good idea when riding in the cart to keep your mouth closed!  Trust me!    Not only did I have bugs flying in my mouth all night long.........but I'm pretty sure something flew up my nose and took up housekeeping there for the longest time........and I'm pretty certain that it laid eggs up there, too..............(...........I'm just sayin'...........)....... 

6.) IMPORTANT:  When you agree to share a cart with your golf partner and she's the driver..........it is always important to make sure she actually a.) is not a 'Psycho Driver' who has a hidden passion to join Nascar or b.) has a secret agenda to KILL YOU.......I'm fairly certain that Jumping  'bunkers' and taking corners on 2 wheels is not appropriate golf cart etiquette!   .....(....I remember telling Cinnamon repeatedly that I didn't want to die!)

7.) It gets freakin' HOT out there on the course sometimes.......wouldn't it be a good idea to install one of those misting fans at every tee?  Imagine getting cooled off each hole by a fan blowing cool mist your way...............hellloooooo.........great idea or what?

8.) Apparently, I'm not 'in tune' with what one actually NEEDS on the golf course.  While most golfers take golf clubs, tees, golf balls, ball markers, divot fixers, golf gloves, score cards........I - on the other hand - take lotion, lipstick and foundation, a mirror, my cellphone, IPod, hairspray, sunglasses, reading glasses, my jack-knife, suntan lotion, battery charger, fingernail polish and my flask of Vodka. 

.......HEY - I Don't Golf, remember.............how the 'freak' do I know what one takes on the course with them?

I've decided I'm going to go out and buy myself a cute little golf outfit, a golf glove, and a 'girlie golf bag' .........................oh no - not for golf clubs and tees, mind you.............I don't actually GOLF, remember?   I'm going to use my golf bag as a cooler, and a place to put all of my necessities .............for all that other stuff that I may need out there.  (....hey......I don't like to get caught off guard without my mace.....)    .....(....and I may throw a putter in there too......because sometimes they let me putt...)

"I'LL SHOW THEM, Damn-it!"

Recovering from my 'Thong Accident', Hula Hoop Girl and a Day at the Golf Course!

Well, first of all, I'm still recovering from my 'Thong Accident' from last week!  (My buttocks are healing quite nicely....thank you!)

I got to meet 'Hula Hoop Girl'........no kidding......she Hula Hoops for a living....she won 'Flints Got Talent' in 2009.   .Her name is Laura......she's cute and a whole lot of fun!  (.....I mean...she's NOT as fun as I AM of course, but hey..... she's OK!)  She was all about getting attention with her Hula Hoop AT FIRST..........but it didn't take me long to put her in her place and explain to her that it's NOT all about her...........It's ALL About Me!     (As soon as she understood that, we got along just fine!)  

Golfing was a blast on Saturday!  Not that I actually golfed or anything..............(....remember that whole conversation about me being eye candy on the course and all.......try to keep up.....)  Well, I DID look phenomenal in my little golf outfit......not that that should surprise you.........helloooooo............

And guess what? ...................I got my OWN cart!  .....WHY YES, WE GOT CARTS...............I DON'T EVEN golf for petes sake,  you didn't actually think I was gonna walk the damn course did you?  Do you NOT KNOW ME, people?    (.....I know, you're thinking who in their right mind would allow me to be in charge of my own golf cart..................)  .......SO..... not only was I looking awesome on the course........... my BFF's (Porscha, Amy, Laura and Jessica) let me be IN CHARGE of the COOLER!  .......what the HELL were they thinking, I ask you?..........  (I never claimed to have the most intelligent friends....I'm just saying.)  So basically...... I'm looking HOT......in my OWN cart....... by myself.....and in charge of the Alcohol......OH, and in charge of the music, TOO...(well, not really IN CHARGE of the music, but I got to keep the music in MY CART!)...........I think the music was Laura's idea.....(remember, Hula Hoop Girl?)........OMGOSH.....talk about PRESSURE! (I don't know how they thought I could keep up with looking beautiful, in charge of drinks and songs, trying to maneuver my cart in a sober fashion, while trying to be on the lookout for the 'Golf Police' and rabid grizzly bears and Garden Gnomes)..........and what do you mean, MUSIC? ON A GOLF COURSE?  Everyone knows you CAN'T golf without music ......geez......nothing better than trying to make a putt ...with Taio Cruz is singing "I Put My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes!" out of the IPOD.......I'm just saying.  (well, pretty much a recipe for disaster ....if I do say so myself!)  The four of them (my friends, that is) are pretty good golfers - I have to admit!  (Amy could have golfed better, mind you, but I think I kept distracting her with my HOTNESS!  Or, maybe it was my dancing!  Hey - it's not my fault she kept joining in and shakin' her groove thing with me and 'USHER' out there on the course!)  Hey, it wasn't MY idea to bring the MUSIC.....and put it in MY cart!   Hey, my friends should know me by now, right?....they didn't really expect me to just sit there in my cart and keep my mouth shut all day long, did they!   (I think that's why they invited me, anyway....to amuse them!)  .....and trust me it doesn't take much to amuse Amy and Porscha (they normally just amuse themselves!)

WELL, needless to say, while my fellow friends concentrated

on their golf games, I on the other hand, 'Got Drunk and told Jokes!'   Did you know that it's hard to focus on your golf game with a loud obnoxious funny 'HOT' woman with you?  Well, (they told me.....repeatedly....) apparently it is!  Anyway.........what a fun day!  I laughed so hard I

couldn't stop peeing my pants.  By the way, we talked about that, too (peeing my pants, that is).  But I won't get into that....(NOTE TO SELF:  Next time, bring more depends!)  Yeah I pee myself a lot...just in case you're new to my blog! 

Yeah, incontinence is a BITCH, girlfriends!

(photo courtesy of the internet)

GOLF

OK, let us get this straight, just one more time, ladies...........



"I DO NOT GOLF, I really have no interest in LEARNING to Golf, but I will be more than happy to ride around in the Golf-Cart while drinking cocktails and watching YOU Golf!" Jenny Brown

Phote courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt