Jenny's 'Coyote Ugly Butt-Less Chaps'....

If you know me at all, you know that I have this 'on-going fasination' ...(OBSESSIVE ANAL FASCINATION....)....with

my 'Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps!'

I've had several people ask me the following question:

"Aren't ALL chaps butt-less?"

My response is as follows:

"Why YES, ALL chaps are butt-less...........

but I SERIOUSLY REALLY LIKE saying 'Butt-less Chaps' so that's what I say!"  

And I've had several ladies approach me and want to know WHERE I got my "Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps".......well, I didn't BUY them.........I MADE THEM!  (....YES - I am THAT talented, people!)

Actually I stole the idea from Brooke Hogan.......

(photo of Brooke Hogan in her 'butt-less chaps' taken from the internett)

Altho I have a little more 'Class' than Brooke Hogan.............

and I'll admit that 'MY ASS' looks BETTER in them then Brooke Hogans....

......I'm just sayin'..........

..........sooooooooooooooo..............

You want my 'Secret Pattern?'

Well, here goes...........

.....take a regular pair of your jeans .......... 

.....now 'CUT THEM'  ....(See below).....

And the final product will be as follows....

Now put on a belt, add a sexy top and hitch up your cowboy boots and you'll be all set!

(AND don't forget to wear some sexy underwear.... for GOSH SAKE's.....not your 'old stained granny-pannies'.........)

NOTE: At first I was a little hesitant regarding letting

you in on my 'Secret Pattern'...but then I thought to myself........

who am I foolin' ???

There's NO WAY in H*LL that you girls will look as good in yours as I do in mine!!

......so ENJOY!

Have I told you lately how AWESOME I am?

I’m a terrible friend………but I’m not going to take all the blame……how many times have I told you people that you can’t expect TOO MUCH out of me!


Last month, my good friend, Dazee Dreamer, over at ‘Crazy Daze & Nite Dreams’ gave me an award BECAUSE I'M SO AWESOME.....helllloooooooo.    She’s pretty awesome herself and I like her a lot!  I can seriously say that she’s ALMOST as funny and ALMOST as cool as me!   ALMOST!   So if you haven’t went and checked out her blog…..quit being lame and go say hello ….be sure to tell her that I sent you over……actually – if you visit her blog and mention my name, you’ll get a free 48 inch flat-screen TV and a paid subscription to People magazine…….(…..NO - not really…..I just made that up…..she probably won’t give you anything…….but go visit her anyway…..She’s really funny!)

Anyway….she gave me a ‘Versatile Blogger Award’ because I’m SO COOL!

So now I have to tell you 7 things about myself….so here goes…..

1.) I drank A Lot of beer last night and I’m really Gas-y today! I keep farting and blaming it on my co-worker……you know - the one that nobody likes!

2.) If I take all of my clothes off and stand sideways naked in the mirror – I look pregnant!

3.) I LOVE to be the center of attention and I like to talk about myself constantly! (I KNOW you already know this….but sometimes I feel like I need to refresh your memory every now and then!)

Yes, I know……..that’s only 3 things…..but I can’t think of anything else right now – so deal with it!    Oh and another thing, I’m supposed to give this award to a few others that are deserving, but I’m being a BITCH today and don’t feel like sharing!

……………… thanks again Dazee! You’re the Best!

Do you know how 'Cool' I am?

I've been on vacation for the last week (I'll have to tell you all about it.....but that's another post altogether)........and imagine my surprise when I returned home............to see that I got an award!    OMGosh, people..........I'm sooooo excited!   (In fact, I just peed myself!)

My new friend Sharon - over at 'It's Random, But Relevant - To Me' is so cool........ and funny and she's strong (not 'He-Man' Strong, but mentally - emotionally strong, that is............well........she COULD be really strong......maybe she lifts weights and stuff....but I'm not sure......... I just know she's 'One Tuff Cookie' in the 'living life' category!)    And she's pretty (I mean - not as pretty as me........hellllooooo.....but she's really close to being as pretty as me...........I'm just sayin').....anyway.....she thinks I'M funny and she gave me the 'LOL Award'!  So she's my new best friend, now!  You'll have to go check her out at her Blog!  She's a really 'Neat Lady!'  ...........in fact, we're best friends now........(.......I'm not sure she knows we're best friends yet, but trust me........we are!) 

So - I got this award.................and I'm feeling all 'Big Headed' and 'Sure of Myself' and 'Awesome' and thinking that 'My SH*T Don't Stink' now............(yeah............ you can thank my good friend, Sharon, for that.......thank you very much)..........so now I have to follow the rules of the award!

.......The rules for this Award are as follows:

1.) Link to the person who awarded you...........(for those of you who haven't been paying attention... that's SHARON at 'It's Random, But Relevant - To Me' ..........try to keep up, people!)

2.) State 7 unknown facts about yourself........I listed 6 ............(....yeah....I know............I broke the rules.......so sue me!)

         1. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a vampire! (......I mean  - I don't go ahead and bite peoples neck and suck their blood and other creepy stuff like that......I'm just sayin'.....but vampires are Cool!)

         2. Sometimes I put my 'Coyote Ugly Buttless Chaps' on and walk around the house - when no one else is home....(.....and I look at my *SS in the mirror...to see how fabulous it looks....)

         3. My son is getting married in 5 months and not only will this wedding be all about the 2 of them..............but it definitely will be 'all about me'  as well............(cause' everything is usually ALL ABOUT ME.................)  ........(.......helllooooooo.......mother of the groom..........)

          4. I'm a 'Closet Eater' and I have been for quite some time..........(.......I'm not gonna lie.......I like to EAT when no one is around..........usually ends up with food being all over my face!)

          5. I've become seriously obsessed with 'Garden Gnomes' (....and not in a good way, people.....) ......they seriously FREAK ME OUT ...............in fact.......... I'm in the works creating another blog dedicated to the evils of these little 'red-hatted' killers!   ....(yeah, I know....not another 'Gnome Blog'.......)

          6.  I'd leave HairyMan in a heartbeat for Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson!  (.....and HairyMan's OK with that! ........I really don't think he's too worried...)..........I'm just sayin'..............
3.) Award to Seven other people who you think are funny.....(I picked 6!.........yeah, I know....I broke the rules again.........Hey, Sharon.......don't even think of takin' this award away from me..............)

           *SumSum over at Disco Lemonade :  She's the crazy neighbor your parents warned you about!

   *Laura over at Fetch My Flying Monkeys:  I just found her blog.......and I haven't quite figured her out yet!
*Chrissy over at I Shoulda Been a Stripper: I'm new to this blog, but I like her...in fact we may become best friends..........she wants to be a Stripper and thinks she's a Vampire!  :):)
   *Alexis over at One Cluttered Brain:  She cracks me up with her 'vlogging', she's funny, and she's not afraid to let her hair down!
 *Dazee Dreamer over at Crazy Daze and Nite Dreams:  I never read a post without laughing.......she thinks I'm funny and I think she's funny...so we have a lot in common!
   *Sandra over at Absolutely Narcissism:  I stumbled upon this blog and now I'm addicted! 

                                      Thanks, Sharon.....you're the BEST! 

Tequila Bottles, Bar Coasters, Coloring Books, Pez Dispensers and Goosebump Books......

Remember these books?  My son used to have a collection of about 30 of these books back when he was younger and I was thinking of them the other day and I've decided that I think I'm gonna start collecting them.   I used to read them to him all of the time when he was young.  In fact I think I read them to myself ....(when no one else was around...)..........cause they were such 'COOL' books.......(.......yeah, I'm a sophisticated reader like that!) 

R.L STINE "Goosebumps" Books

.......the only think is........(now that I think about it).........I'm fairly certain (....why I'm saying I'm fairly certain is beyond me - since I have no doubt in my mind...)  that I SOLD them all in a garage sale about 9 years ago for $5.00.  (...what was I thinking........30 books for 5 bucks???..........helllooooo.....they'd probably be collectors items by now, right?)  .....so now I've got to start all over.............you know........since I don't have any books now!   

..............AND since I don't actually HAVE any 'Goosebumps' books yet......... hairyman tells me that I shouldn't tell people that I collect Goosebump books -  you know.......since I DON'T HAVE ANY in the collection yet.....he says I need to stop doing that......(.........apparently he says I do this a alot with my collections.).....(I tell people I collect things when I don't actually have any in my collection yet).............(I told him to 'Bite Me!")

So my collections are as follows:
1.) Tequila Bottles  2.) Bar Coasters 
3.) Coloring books 
4.) Pez Dispensers  (I only have 2)  (...........maybe this is what he is referring too.....) 
                 ............and now my latest collection...............
5.) Goosebumps Books (I have 0)

I used to collect '50 cent pieces'..........(..but I spent them all...)   ....and I used to collect 'Candy Bars'....(....till I ate them all)...(....who the 'Freak collects Candy bars anyway?  What a stupid idea!)

Hairy man says that I really shouldn't count the pez dispenser collection and the Goosebump book collection until I actually increase the size of my collections a bit..............(.......again................I told him to 'Bite Me!")

What do you collect?

Wanna celebrate with me? You bring the Tequila, I'll bring my 'Butt-less Chaps'!

I’m so excited I could just pee myself!
I now officially have '100 followers' on my blog and I’m all bubbly and star-struck!   If you could see me now – I’m up on an end table in my living room doing the ‘groin-grind’ and ‘fist pump’ and mouthin’ the words to ‘I am woman hear me roar!’

All thanks too my new friend,  Jenny ............she found my blog on-line and actually likes me (………..probably because she doesn’t really know me too well, yet……….give her time…….before long - she’ll think I’m a weirdo, just like all you other people who read my blog…………..)   (......hey......what the 'freak' do all you people know anyway.........GEEZ!)     Anyway, my new friend, Jenny thinks I’m awesome and funny and gorgeous and smart and the best thing to hit the world since soft butter………..(well, she didn’t REALLY USE those words and ACTUALLY SAY those things about me….but …….helllloooooo……who wouldn't think I'm funny and 'HOT' and awesome and stuff?  )   …I think she’s pretty awesome too!   So you’ll have to go visit her at http://pearsonreport.blogspot.com/ and check her out.    NOTE:   Did you notice her name is Jenny, too?  (....yeah, she's a copy-cat......!)   In fact I think she went out and changed her name just so she could be like me......hellllooooooo.........  (No - not really......I just made that part up............... I'm pretty sure she was born with that name actually......but wouldn't it be cool if she DID go out and have her name legally changed to match my name - because she wanted to be just like me?.........that would be so 'freakin' awesome.............I mean........in a creepy-stalker-kind of way!   .......I'm just sayin'...........)

..................SO BECAUSE I now have 100 followers ……....I think it's only appropriate to tell you 100 interesting things about myself! ..........but stay tuned.........that's gonna have to be a whole 'nother post! (......you know how I detest LONG posts........)


So.....I'm sending a big THANK YOU instead - to all of my followers (or people who just stop by my blog secretly when know one is looking) who make time in their day to read my blog and stay tuned!  I know how busy you all are with your lives and it makes me feel special to know you're reading my stuff!  You're the best!

Yeah.....(...yeah, I just have to add...........) that word must be getting around how COOL I am........(....not that it should surprise you all.......what with it all being about me! )  Yes, if you're NEW to my blog - you should know "Life is All about Me!"  (..........hey it's MY blog!   I can write what I want!)  

I've kinda summed it up like this:  "I think I'm like this really annoying girl that just won't go away......and you don't even really like me.....in fact you find me kind of conceded and irritating........ and as much as you try to ignore me............I just keeps popping up and won't leave you alone............so you find yourself just continually coming back for MORE!"       

Things That Bring Joy to My Life.....

Today I happened to be snooping around 'One Cluttered Brain's' Blog......who happened to be snooping around 'Scary Mommy's' Blog...and both of them were talking about what gives them Joy in their lives......  So I thought I'd join in too, for a chance to win a 'ONE THOUSAND DOLLAR American Express Gift Check' to spend on anything that I want.....so here's the...... 
Simple things that bring Joy to my life:  (in no particular order)
1.)  Finding a $20.00 bill in my pocket. (.....in a jacket or a pair of jeans that I haven't wore in weeks.)
2.)  Getting a phone call from my kids. (...for no specific reason...just to talk.)
3.)  Ice Cream (specifically 'Strawberry CheeseQuake' or 'MooseTracks')
4.)  Going out to eat! (.... for Cheeseburgers!)
5.)  Stepping on the scales to find I've lost weight. (...even one pound, I'm not picky!) 
6.)  A clean house (...that I didn't have to clean!)
7.)  An Ice Cold Beer (or Margarita, or Red Bull & Vodka, or Sparks, or Vodka & Tonic......well....you get the picture.....) after a long day at work.

8.)  When my husband tells me he loves me... (just out of the blue, for no reason at all.....and he hasn't even done anything that requires forgiveness.)
9.)  Playing 'hookie' from work. (...and doing absolutely nothing all day long but laying around in my pajamas, curled up on the couch with an afghan, watching 'Lifetime' movies, eating chocolate chip cookies, french fries, tuna fish sandwiches and drinking cappiccinos and Red Bull all day long.)
10.)  Having an awesome 'Hair Day'! (....and then seeing lots of friends around town - that you haven't seen in awhile - who happen to look like SHIT!)
11.) An entire day watching a 'Two and A Half Men' and 'Til Death' Marathon on TV.
12.)  Finding out my 'Long-Lost-Great-Step-Uncle-Twice-Removed' has passed and left me $25,000.00.
13.)  A broken or smashed 'Garden Gnome'  (...gnomes are evil, my friends!)

So what brings you Joy?

“This post is part of SOYJOY‘s What brings you Joy contest. Learn more here.”

Changes Are On the Horizon at "My Life As Jenny".....

I Got An Award....(Do you know how cool I am?)

I'm sooooooo excited, girlfriends!  One of my new friends nominated me for an award today!   Marty over at 'Barefoot and Ponytailed' thinks I'm cool!  (.............well, Duh......hellllooooo......)  You can go check out her blog at http://oneclutteredbrain.blogspot.com/  She's a real cool lady, too...........just like ME!  

So a SPECIAL  WHoop!  WhooP!  Goes out to MARTY today!  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!   So now I'm supposed to tell you 7 things about myself and nominate a few of my favorite bloggers who I feel deserve to be recognized!  So here goes..................

~ABOUT ME ~

1.) I LOVE being the center of attention!  (........so today it's ALL ABOUT ME and MY AWARD, People!)

2.) I love 'Cheeseburgers'........ (.......probably the reason why I'm Fat!)

3.) I make a habit of hanging out with my UGLY friends, to make myself look better!  (..........you think I'm joking!  HA!)

4.) This Saturday, July 31, 2010 will mark 'one year' that I've been blogging...........so........happy anniversary to me!

5.) I have 'flying monkeys' that at times I let loose to reek havoc on a.) stupid people, OR b.) random bitches who piss me off!  (..........again.........you think I'm joking, don't you  ?)

6.) I LOVE to Dance!  and I know how to do the 'Thriller Dance'  (.........and I have NO problem getting up in public places - like packed bars and wedding receptions - and making a fool out of myself while I attempt to remember all of the moves............)    .....cause this is Thrilllllerrrrrrrr, Thillller night.....and no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike............

7.) I have serious issues about 'Garden Gnomes'! 

Now.........here's a couple ladies that are pretty awesome! (........I mean....not as awesome as me, of course.......but pretty cool, nontheless!........)  So go check them out...........because I'm extending this award to them!    

        

 I.)Go visit Angie at http://www.likeshessomebody.com/

II,) there's one funny lady at http://oneclutteredbrain.blogspot.com/

AND

III.)  you've just gotta check out this Cashier at http://confessionsofcashier.blogspot.com/

"Are You Addicted?"

I found a new friend (I love new friends) while chit-chating on 'BlogFrog'.......her name is Alexes and she's over at 'One Cluttered Brain'....you'll have to go check her out at http://oneclutteredbrain.blogspot.com/.  She's really funny (not as funny as me, of course, but hey.....I'm just sayin'......)  Just kidding....she's REALLY one funny lady!  She's my newest blog friend....I figure we'll be 'BBF's' one day (she really doesn't know it yet, but I'm sure we will.)  HA!

.....anyway.....I was visiting her community (on blog frog) and she was asking a question: "What are your daily addictions?" ..............well, 'Holy Freak', SHE has a LOT of additions.........(and I told her so)..........and I shared mine, too!  And I told her I was gonna write a post about her 'addiction question'...............(and see.........I really did!)  .........SO....what am I addicited to, you ask?

"Let's see....1.) Energy Drinks.........specifically 'Red Bull' (sugar free) (even better with a touch of Vodka)


2.) I'm not only addicted to Facebook, but those D_MN Facebook games.....(Heaven help me if I don't 'harvest' a freakin' crop on time!)


3.) Blogging (.......well, duh.....................helllloooooo!)


4.) I also am addicted to 'clean underwear'....I change my undies about 3 times a day, as a matter of fact.........(It may have something to do with me peeing my pants all the time)............yeah, I have issues, people!


And quite recently I've become addicted to 5.) Ranch flavored sunflower seeds (..................in fact my tongue is raw from sucking all the salt off them, then trying to open the little suckers up to find the little treasure hiding inside!)


What are you addicted to?

Sunflower Seeds and Dirty *SS!

All of a sudden, I’m seriously addicted to sunflower seeds!  Having never really ate them before, I was introduced to them 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t stopped eating them since…....… I’m really into sucking all the salt off them, then trying to open the little suckers up to find the little treasure hiding inside...................... Altho, now I’ve gotten a sliver lodged in my gum and I almost choked to death on a sharp outer shell that I accidentally swallowed.

HairyMan told me that my car smelled like ‘dirty ass’ AGAIN…………what the freak is up with that? What’s he think I do? Get in there naked and rub my dirty butt all over the upholstery and dash? ……….seriously……..enough all ready with the ‘dirty ass’ comments, please!

Somebody Thinks I'm Cool!....Can you believe it!?

I GOT AN AWARD......my first one......and I'm SO excited I about peed myself! 

Along with this award, there are some rules that have to be followed.  The rules are as follows: 
1. Thank the person who gave you this award.


2. Share 7 things about yourself.


3. Pass the award along to 5 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!


4. Contact the bloggers you've picked and let them know about the award.

A Special Thank You to my new friend Angie at "Like She's Somebody' at http://www.likeshessomebody.com/  for presenting me with this award!    She's my favorite friend right now.......Thank You, Angie!
Here are seven (7) things about me:
1.  I collect Tequila Bottles.   (I have 31 different bottles, so far.)
2.  I'm scared of 'Garden Gnomes'.  (They seriously FREAK me out!)
3.  I'm getting a tattoo this summer (Red Lips on my Butt!)...and I'm so excited about it!
4.  I just turned 44 years old this month and HairyMan got me a treadmill for my birthday!  (And I love it!)
5.  I love Cheeseburgers!
6.  I'm hopelessly in love with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson!
7.  I know how to do Michael Jackson's 'Thriller Dance'
 
I'm giving this award to the following bloggers....these women are funny, talented, creative and beautiful, (both inside and outside):
1. Sasha at 'Lemonade Makin' Mama' - http://www.lemonademakinmama.com/
2. Assertive Wit at 'A Little Less Coffee, My Voice and Babybottoms...Essentials To Your Day' -  http://assertivewitwithatouchofsarcasm.blogspot.com/
3. Eva at 'Wrestling with Retirement' - http://wrestlingretirement.blogspot.com/
4. Em Static at 'Heart and Hairspray' - http://heartandhairspray.blogspot.com/
5. Unknown Mami at http://www.unknownmami.com/
 
Thanks again, Angie!  Now I'm off to snoop around some blogs and make some more friends!

My Fake $15.00 Walgreen Hair....

The sun's a-shinin'.........the birds are chirpin'..........it's going to be a 70-80 degree day here in Michigan today.................yes, girlfriends........."Spring is Here!" ...................and I'm Happy! (.............and you know how everyone's a whole lot happier in my neighborhood - when I'm HAPPY..............)

.........AND.................I'm NOT one to BRAG............(well, maybe I am)...............(no, just kidding - not really)....................(ok.......... I am).....................BUT I DO have to SAY that I'm looking AWESOME today in my bermuda shorts, sandles, tan legs, sassy pink pull over...............AND.................MY New "Fake $15.00 Walgreen Hair!" ..............................(yes .............you know it..............today is the day, girlfriends......... that I'm sportin' my new hair.............first time ever...........)

And I look 'Fabulous!' (don't ya think?)..................not to mention that I look skinny in these pictures............... (oh....how I love snapshots that make me look skinny!)

I'm spending the entire day thinking of places I can go today to show off my "Fake $15.00 Walgreen Hair!".............because I don't think I've ever wore FAKE HAIR.........ever....................in my entire life............

Photos of ME!

It's Janet Jackson Day on the ole' YouTube channel............

TGIF, girlfriends… (Fridays are my favorite day of the week – in case you didn’t know!)
..................helllooooo................3 O'clock Sparks time............remember? (Try to keep up................)

Today I’m working and singing along to Janet Jackson ………Yes, it's Janet Jackson day on the ole' YouTube channel............................she happens to be one of my FAVORITE entertainers of all time……(…and yes….of course - she has earned a special place on my ‘YouTube’ playlist)…………..….not only is she a BEAUTIFUL talented women………… I LOVE her voice and LOVE her songs ...............(some of my favorites include ‘IF’, ‘Clap Your Hands’, "Special' and ‘2Nite’)………………actually - a lot of her songs are pretty NAUGHTY .............(but we won't talk about that.....just don't listen to the words, and you'll be alright)................But aside from that “SuperBowl XXXVIII halftime show debacle” with her wardrobe ‘tit’ malfunction………she pretty much rocks! ……………… I blame the whole thing on Justin, of course…………he’s a WAD!.............HE probably led her astray with his ‘Wicked Ways’… (I have a cousin ................who will remain nameless ........... MARY...................) that does that to me all the time……..(lead me astray with her wicked ways, that is!)

Janet’s come a long way since ‘Good Times’ and she’s the SAME AGE as me (actually 14 days younger than me) .................hey (I just thought of something).............maybe I should call her up and see if she wants to be friends with me and Joy (you know - Joy Stark - from Til Death?)........................……….yeah, I know - you're wondering why the H_LL Janet would want to be friends and hang out with me and my make believe best friend, Joy................hellllooooooooo……….....we're both the same age.................we're both hot and awesome looking........................well.............maybe Janet looks a LITTLE better than me right now.................OK....A LOT ‘Younger and Hotter’ than me right now…………(thanks for pointing that out)……...........well, hellllooooo……...................I'm not like - a kazillionaire....OK?.....................if I had all that money, I’d look phenomenal, too!

I’m sitting here thinking that I only have 2 ½ more months to lose 30 pounds…...............(I'm pretty muched DOOMED - You think?……I originally lost 4 pounds………..yeah……………….BUT THEN I gained 8 pounds) so I actually weigh MORE NOW than I did since beginning this race to $1000.00, by the way!) I’m pathetic! (HairyMan bet me $1000.00 that I couldn't lose 30 pounds by June 1st - if you haven't been paying attention.)

So far................NOT so good (I need to think of a way to keep myself away from those damn CHEESEBURGERS!

Yes, I'm A Fan................

OK, it's official.........and I'm not embarrassed to admit it!

............................get ready for this 'blast from the past'..................................

I'm a Lionel Richie Fan! (There, I said it!)

He's talented.............he's not-TOO bad looking (I mean, he's not butt-ugly or anything..........OK, I'll admit he looks a lot better NOW - then he did back then! Looks aren't everything, OK?)................................... The man can sing!.................... he's a good dresser ...............he's got a cute daughter (who needs to eat a sandwich or two)................ he can dance on ceilings.............(who the hell ELSE can do that?)........................And he was a "Commodore" - for Gods Sakes! (Do I really need I say any more???)................. (All Hail to 'Brick House' and 'Slippery When Wet' .........by the way!)

I used to 'make out' with my boyfriend - to his songs all the time....uh...........back in the 80's! All I had to do was get out my 'Lionel Ritchie Cassette Tape' and he'd know for sure - that I was "IN THE MOOD!"

..................................Today was Lionel Ritchie day at work today, by the way.............that means I listened to Lionel Ritchie all day long on the internet, while working. (I'm sure I irritate the Hell out of my co-workers!.........Oh well - sucks to be them, doesn't it!?) (Aren't you glad you don't work with me?) Lionel's even got is own play list NOW - on my "YouTube Play-List" (......no worries - Chris Daughtry, you're still there too!.............and you're farther up the list, since C comes before L!) So now I'll be able to enjoy Lionel, whenever I want! (I love you - YouTube!)

Photo of Lionel Ritchie - courtesy of the internet

The Rock

First of all you all need to know that I am happily married and have been for 10 years. I would never ever think about being with another man...........ever....................

BUT...........

There is one man who .............sorry, Hun..................'if he showed up on my doorstep' and 'wanted me' ..................yes........................you guessed it............. I would melt in his arms and become his - Forever..............................Period! End of Story!

Every woman has a celebrity crush.........and mine is ...........hands down .............yes, "The People's Champion" .........Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

What a coincidence that we share the same birthday (May 2nd)........shouldn't that be a sign. Yeah, I know he's 6 years younger than me.....but maybe he's into older women! And watching him do all those wrestling moves sure gets me all hot and sweaty. And was he or was he not 'killer sexy' in "Scorpion King"?

Calm down...........I'm not stupid.......... I'm perfectly aware that he doesn't even know I exist..... and even if he did, I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that he wouldn't "want me"................but hey, a girl can dream, can't she.

And now I suppose you're all feeling sorry for my hubby, Rob. Well don't worry, I know my husband loves me, but he'd be the first to confess that he'd drop me too, (in a heartbeat) if his dream girl, Jennifer Aniston "wanted him".................(I'm not too worried about that, by the way!)

OK....I gotta go.........I'm gonna go get out my copy of "The Rundown" and go watch some WWE reruns .... (Can you smell what the rock is cooking!)

Photo of Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson

My Balloon Ride

How exciting! I got to cross another thing off of my Bucket List this morning! I had an opportunity to go for a ride in a "Hot Air Balloon" this morning! Something I've always wanted to do.

 

Thank you to "Northern Lights", Pilot Al Smith for the wonderful ride.

It was not like anything I imagined it would be. I thought it would be very scary up there in the air, soaring over the trees, but on the contrary.......I wasn't scared at all...... 600 ft. off the ground.

 

And so quiet and peaceful........ except for the sound of the propane burners that went off every so often, (which I didn't mind of course, because they are what kept us up in the air.) Nothing like being in an airplane and looking down. Moving so much slower, feeling the wind and being in the fresh air. We even flew over my house, not directly right over it, but pretty close, and I could see it from up above. Funny how things look so different from 600 feet up in the air. We forget how so very small we are in this world, when you're able to view it from a different angle. It was definitely one of the most exciting things I've ever had the chance to do so far in my life.

I will leave you with the Balloonists' Prayer:

"The Winds have welcomed you with softness. The Sun has blessed you with its warm hands. 

You have flown so high and so well, that God has joined you in your laughter, and set you gently back again into the loving arms of Mother Earth."

I'd Rather Eat A Cheeseburger

When I was younger, I never had a problem with my weight. Up until about 10 years ago, I always looked fit and trim. With the exception of my chin.....I could weigh 100 pounds and be anorexic and I would still have my double chin. It's in my genes. But when you're thin and fit, who looks at you chin anyway. And to be honest, my chin is the least of my problems right now. (But that's another post, and we'll talk about chins later.)

Ten years ago I certainly didn't have any problems fitting into ALL of the clothes that were hanging in my closet. I would always walk around my house in my matching underwear and bra......(because when I was "young and hot", I was "anal" about my undergarments matching at ALL TIMES. I would have been completely mortified to be caught in my skivvy's wearing a blue bra and green panties.) And I used to not care if anyone ever seen my body. I would go to the beach in my bikini and I would walk up and down the shore numerous times in hopes that people would see how great I looked. Let's just say that ten years ago I wouldn't have had to try to squeeze into a size 10 pants in order to pretend I wasn't fat!

I was wearing size 8 and 10 jeans back then, and they were wonderfully comfortable and they actually fit me! (No muffin top hanging out and no unbuttoning them after 15 minutes.) Yes I'll have to admit I looked a lot better back in my early thirties, when I was a lot younger and healthier. I was thin, I ate better, I was healthy, I was teaching aerobics and I was taking better care of myself. I didn't get winded walking up a flight of stairs. I didn't have a sore butt after a night of bowling! And my legs didn't hurt the next day, after a night out of dancing. I was in the best shape of my life! Boy if I knew then what I know now I certainly would have continued doing sit-ups and taken more walks on the treadmill.

Oh, what I wouldn't do to be thin again. Not that I'm the kind of girl that needs to be thin and beautiful to be happy, but it sure would be great to be a little more healthier than I am at this stage of my life! The problem is that as much as I would love to be skinny and healthy again, I'd rather eat a cheeseburger. Let's face it....."Cheeseburgers Rock!" Big, greasy, messy, fattening, cholesterol filled, fat burgers that when you take a bite, all of the insides run down your fingers. They can be grilled or broiled, fried or baked.....I don't really care. I don't even need a bun....I'll eat them with my hands and dip them in mayonnaise if I must. I absolutely love them! They say that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. And I'm sure that's true, but how am I supposed to watch my cholesterol and stay fit and trim with all the cheeseburgers teasing, taunting me and calling my name. Let's be honest, I'm not about to lose any weight as long as there are cheeseburgers in my world. What is really pathetic is that half the time, I'm not even hungry. But then again, I don't eat because I'm hungry. I just love to eat. "Some people eat to live, I live to eat!" Yes, eating is one of my favorite things to do!

I could start eating healthier. And I could start working out. But who wants to eat carrots and celery? And I'm not in the mood to work out. Exercising makes me tired, makes me sweat and I usually pee my pants. I use to work out all of the time. I used to love to exercise back in my aerobic days. Now I've gotten lazy. And the longer I go without exercise, the harder it is to get back into it! I've tried diets.......all kinds of diets! The Grapefruit Diet gave me canker sores. The Cabbage Soup Diet gave me bladder infections. Slim Fast is absolutely useless. Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisines, and Smart Ones, .....they all have one thing in common...they don't work for me. Face it, I'd rather eat cheeseburgers!

So............in my perfect little world, all I need is a miracle skinny pill! Yes, I'm all about taking a pill! How easy would that be? One that makes me thin and healthy again. "Take once a day and see the pounds just fall off!" "The eat all I want without having to exercise kind of pill!" That's the one! Trust me, I've tried them all and I have yet to find one that works. I simply need a pill that will make me not want to eat. Plain and Simple, right? Not a pill that curbs my appetite. (We've established that I don't eat because I'm hungry, so curbing my appetite won't work for me!) And for Gosh Sakes don't give me a pill that needs to be taken along with a healthy diet and plenty of exercise. Are you kidding me! If I was eating a proper diet and exercising, I wouldn't need to take a pill to begin with! And what's with all of these pills and their side effects? If taking some sort of miracle skinny vitamin is going to cause my hair to fall out, cause seeping boils to appear on my face or cause me to have anal leakage.....then don't bother.  I'd rather stay fat!

Phote courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt