Not Another Cheeseburger Story!

Ok, so after a night of drinking and hanging out with friends……of course my husband and I have got the munchies.

I, being the designated driver, pull into McDonalds for a late-night burger! (Oh My Gosh……… my mouth is watering, just thinking about the greasy cheeseburger that I’m about to devour!) Rob orders one Big Mac and fries and I order just one Big Mac. Rob decides to inhale the burger and fries on the way home to my mom and dads house…………….which is where we are planning to spend the night tonight. (My parents have left the door unlocked for us and have left the outside light on because …..let’s face it………….my parents are old and there’s no doubt that they’ll be in bed by the time we get home tonight!)

I tell Rob that I certainly don’t NEED to be eating a cheeseburger at 1:30AM, but oh, well……I’m hungry. And as I’m driving, I’m salivating from the aroma of the cheeseburger that Robs inhaling next to me.

So we get to my parents house, right? I hurry into the bathroom to relieve myself (because of course I have to go to the bathroom) and when I return to the kitchen, Rob’s got my Big Mac open and is in the process of removing the pickles!

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” I say.

“I’m gonna eat your burger, cause I’m still hungry!” Rob says.

“What do you mean you’re going to eat my burger?” I reply. “You just ate yours. That one’s mine!”

“You said you shouldn’t eat it anyway. You said you shouldn’t have ordered it because you shouldn’t be eating cheeseburgers at this time of night!” Rob says. (Great, he picks this time to actually pay any attention to what I say! Any other time, he'd be ignoring me!)

“I don’t care what I said. That Big Mac’s mine! Don’t touch it!” I say.

“OK, I’ll split it with you.” He says.

(Are you kidding me?) “What do you mean; you’ll split it with me? You just ate a whole burger and fries. This one’s mine! I’m not gonna split it with you!” I say. “Quit touching it!”

Rob proceeds to cut it into two equal pieces. “Come on, Hun! You eat half, and I’ll eat half!” He says.

(I am so PISSED!) “No, I’m not going to split the burger………….that’s MY Big Mac! I’m either eating the WHOLE thing or I’m not eating ANY OF IT! I say.

“Hun, do you know how ridiculous that sounds?” He says.

I stair at him! And then I stand in disbelief and watch my husband eat half of MY burger!

“Fine………you eat the dam burger!” (I’m pouting now...........I can't believe he ate half of my cheeseburger!) “I’m not coming to bed, I’m going to stay out here in the living room and read!” I say!

He walks into the bedroom…………then I wait to hear his snoring and then I, of course, sneak into the kitchen and eat the rest of MY Big Mac! (But I'm still pissed!)

OK, get this…………… (The next morning, I ask my dad if he heard us come in last night. My dad says he didn’t actually hear us come in, but says that he almost burst out laughing last night when he heard us bickering over a cheeseburger. He says he had to actually put his hand over his mouth to keep from bursting out laughing in bed and waking up my mother, when I said (and I quote) ‘I’m either eating the WHOLE thing or I’m not eating ANY OF IT!)

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OH MY GOSH!

"OK, the unthinkable has just happened!"

It's Sunday, I'm going through my usual routine of cleaning out the fridge.......you know....... throwing out the slimy lettuce, the moldy rolls, the leftover Chili............

..........that's when I open my "meat drawer" and there they are, (not just one, but 2 of them), underneath the bacon and bologna......................(OK.................take a deep breath, Jenny) ............to my horror, (Oh my gosh), there are 2 Cheeseburger patties in a zip lock bag!

When on earth did we have Cheeseburgers last? I think it was with Jason and Heather last Sunday. (They came over, we grilled and I kept the leftovers.) In fact, I remember now wrapping them up and sticking them in the drawer. I can't believe I've forgotten about them! All those nights last week, with no idea what to eat for dinner, and all this time the 2 patties have been in my refrigerator, hidden under the bacon. (Obviously, we don't eat bacon a lot..................if only I'd made BLT's this week!) And not just one, there's 2............could they still be good? ..............I'm thinking..........mulling it over in my mind..................I'm salivating.............I'm actually contemplating eating them, for God's sake!

OK, let's get real................that wouldn't be good..............they don't even smell like cheeseburgers anymore.

I'm going to actually have to throw them out! The Queen of Cheeseburgers is actually gonna have to throw them out! I'm sorry, but in 'my world of Jenny', we just don't waste cheeseburgers! What's my world coming to? I feel ill.......I'm going to go lie down! (And remember to keep an eye on my meat drawer from now on!)

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I'd Rather Eat A Cheeseburger

When I was younger, I never had a problem with my weight. Up until about 10 years ago, I always looked fit and trim. With the exception of my chin.....I could weigh 100 pounds and be anorexic and I would still have my double chin. It's in my genes. But when you're thin and fit, who looks at you chin anyway. And to be honest, my chin is the least of my problems right now. (But that's another post, and we'll talk about chins later.)

Ten years ago I certainly didn't have any problems fitting into ALL of the clothes that were hanging in my closet. I would always walk around my house in my matching underwear and bra......(because when I was "young and hot", I was "anal" about my undergarments matching at ALL TIMES. I would have been completely mortified to be caught in my skivvy's wearing a blue bra and green panties.) And I used to not care if anyone ever seen my body. I would go to the beach in my bikini and I would walk up and down the shore numerous times in hopes that people would see how great I looked. Let's just say that ten years ago I wouldn't have had to try to squeeze into a size 10 pants in order to pretend I wasn't fat!

I was wearing size 8 and 10 jeans back then, and they were wonderfully comfortable and they actually fit me! (No muffin top hanging out and no unbuttoning them after 15 minutes.) Yes I'll have to admit I looked a lot better back in my early thirties, when I was a lot younger and healthier. I was thin, I ate better, I was healthy, I was teaching aerobics and I was taking better care of myself. I didn't get winded walking up a flight of stairs. I didn't have a sore butt after a night of bowling! And my legs didn't hurt the next day, after a night out of dancing. I was in the best shape of my life! Boy if I knew then what I know now I certainly would have continued doing sit-ups and taken more walks on the treadmill.

Oh, what I wouldn't do to be thin again. Not that I'm the kind of girl that needs to be thin and beautiful to be happy, but it sure would be great to be a little more healthier than I am at this stage of my life! The problem is that as much as I would love to be skinny and healthy again, I'd rather eat a cheeseburger. Let's face it....."Cheeseburgers Rock!" Big, greasy, messy, fattening, cholesterol filled, fat burgers that when you take a bite, all of the insides run down your fingers. They can be grilled or broiled, fried or baked.....I don't really care. I don't even need a bun....I'll eat them with my hands and dip them in mayonnaise if I must. I absolutely love them! They say that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. And I'm sure that's true, but how am I supposed to watch my cholesterol and stay fit and trim with all the cheeseburgers teasing, taunting me and calling my name. Let's be honest, I'm not about to lose any weight as long as there are cheeseburgers in my world. What is really pathetic is that half the time, I'm not even hungry. But then again, I don't eat because I'm hungry. I just love to eat. "Some people eat to live, I live to eat!" Yes, eating is one of my favorite things to do!

I could start eating healthier. And I could start working out. But who wants to eat carrots and celery? And I'm not in the mood to work out. Exercising makes me tired, makes me sweat and I usually pee my pants. I use to work out all of the time. I used to love to exercise back in my aerobic days. Now I've gotten lazy. And the longer I go without exercise, the harder it is to get back into it! I've tried diets.......all kinds of diets! The Grapefruit Diet gave me canker sores. The Cabbage Soup Diet gave me bladder infections. Slim Fast is absolutely useless. Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisines, and Smart Ones, .....they all have one thing in common...they don't work for me. Face it, I'd rather eat cheeseburgers!

So............in my perfect little world, all I need is a miracle skinny pill! Yes, I'm all about taking a pill! How easy would that be? One that makes me thin and healthy again. "Take once a day and see the pounds just fall off!" "The eat all I want without having to exercise kind of pill!" That's the one! Trust me, I've tried them all and I have yet to find one that works. I simply need a pill that will make me not want to eat. Plain and Simple, right? Not a pill that curbs my appetite. (We've established that I don't eat because I'm hungry, so curbing my appetite won't work for me!) And for Gosh Sakes don't give me a pill that needs to be taken along with a healthy diet and plenty of exercise. Are you kidding me! If I was eating a proper diet and exercising, I wouldn't need to take a pill to begin with! And what's with all of these pills and their side effects? If taking some sort of miracle skinny vitamin is going to cause my hair to fall out, cause seeping boils to appear on my face or cause me to have anal leakage.....then don't bother.  I'd rather stay fat!

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