If you see ME running - I'm probably being chased by a rabid panther....

I’m into RUNNING now. (Aren’t you impressed?) The other day I went out and bought myself a cute little running outfit, a new pair of tennis shoes, and a running belt.   The running belt holds my drivers license, some money, my credit card, my IPod, my cell phone, my lipstick, a pocket mirror, poise pads and 2 jackknives.


JUST A FEW NOTES:

1.)  The running outfit looks a H*LL of a lot better on the mannequin then it does on me……(…..maybe because the ‘freakin’ mannequin is a size 4 …….and doesn’t have any muffin top…)………I HATE YOU MANNEQUIN!

2.)  My new tennis shoes are too small for my feet and my big toe keeps jamming into the front of my shoe when I run…..(….I can’t be sure but I think my toenail on my big toe on my left foot is close to falling off right now ……and it’s not pretty…and it hurts...)

3.)  The money and I.D. are for when I happen to jog past a bar and need to stop for some Vodka – which pretty much happens all the time when I run.   Usually I stay too long at the bar and I have to call Hairyman to come pick me up.   Which doesn’t make him too happy………but no worries………I just bribe him with sexual favors of course……….But now I’ve started carrying '1 ounce shot bottles of Vodka' in my running belt.  (…aren’t you amazed at how smart I am?)

4.)  The credit card if for when I run out of cash at the bar…….hellllooooo…...

5.)  The jackknife is to defend myself against the freaky maniacal killer who is stalking behind me on the path with full intentions of raping me and torturing me and then killing me and cutting me up into little pieces and then feeding me to his pet komodo dragon that he keeps in the basement of his parents house…….(…..cause you KNOW he must live at home!).

6.)  Or…….the jackknife can also help with protecting myself against the panther that I’ve talked myself into believing is going to jump me on the trail one day and eat my face off.

7.)  And like I’m gonna leave home without my lipstick….or a mirror….hellllooooo…... I need to check myself out 'now and then' to see that I’m still looking ‘HOT’ in my running attire.     ON A SIDE NOTE:  The mirror can be used to start a fire in the forest if I get lost on the path and have to spend the night in the woods.

8.)  The 2nd jackknife is just in case I lose the first jackknife.

9.)  Poise Pads……..I think that’s self explanatory, don’t you?

So I’m running now…………well, that’s not really true …………I haven’t really been running ………... I think we better call it JOGGING instead…………..well, that’s not really true either..............actually it’s more like ‘fast-walking’…………well….. ‘fast-walking’ isn’t really accurate either.

Oh, Hell…….If the truth be known… I guess one could just say that I’ve been taking a few leisurely walks now and then.   And I’m not even walking very fast, trust me…....(....hey……walking fast make me tired and gets me out of breath……and it makes me sweat……..and I don’t like getting all sweaty and tired when I work out.)

Anyway…..now I have ‘shin-spints’ and how the freak I could get shin-spints in the first place is beyond me…because I’m hardly walking very fast at all.   In fact last time I took a walk, I spent 20 minutes out of my 30 minute walk picking up pine cones and acorns from along the side of the road. HEY – Don’t Judge Me!

"How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack"....Have YOU Bought the Book yet?

Hi guys! Have you been to the ‘My Life As Jenny Store” yet? .....over on the right side bar of this blog……...you see it……..it has a green caption/header that reads “My Life As Jenny Store”………right over there on the right.......…featuring the ‘How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack’ book……..

…….well…….if you haven’t checked it out, you had better……(just some little friendly advice from a girl who has a unhealthy fixation on being attacked by these ugly red hat-ed warriors)  it won’t take long to check out the store (since there’s only one thing featured in the store....hellloooooo........for now, anyway.....) ….but it’s this one little book that’s gonna make a difference in your life, people…..so you better check it out ….. “How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They will)” by Chuck Sambuchino.  (This is a great book.....I've read it so many times that you won't find me being unprepared when the devil dwarfs decide to attack....no-sirree-bob...I'm actually becoming quite the expert in garden gnome defense.....just so you know...)

 

Chuck Sambuchino is currently my HERO! He’s a brilliant man who wrote this book about the upcoming invasion of the Garden Gnomes. As far as I KNOW, he’s the only one that has been brave enough to warn us all about the murderous dwarfs. Oh, and besides writing, Chuck loves music, plays guitar and piano in a rock cover band (how cool is that) and he loves chocolate chip cookies. And he’s HOT …………(….I’m just sayin’)……..


YOU GOTTA GET THIS BOOK, PEOPLE……..in it, Chuck, talks about the looming dangers that garden gnomes present to America’s suburbs and rural areas. "As many as 10 percent of unsolved cold cases probably involve garden gnomes," Sambuchino told AOL News. "It's a serious problem."   (..the book is only 106 pages long, so don't panic....even slow readers can manage this.....trust me......)

Key points featured in the book:
1.) Which areas of the country are more prone to garden gnome attacks, as well as keys to determining whether you're at risk.  (Are you at risk?)  (maybe you ought ta read the book.....you think?)

2.) Did you know that garden gnomes use a variety of weapons for their fiendish attacks, including slingshots, axes and spears, but their killing tool is the scythe?  (Important information, so try to keep up!)

3.) Mr. Sambuchino also claims that garden gnomes are most likely to attack during storms.  Do you know why?  (..........probably NOT cause' you haven't read the 'freakin' book.....)
"The rain hitting the roof masks the sound of drilling through the wall," he said. "They attack you in bed, which is why I recommend making paper-mache copies of yourself and putting them in the other bedrooms. That way, if they attack you, you have time to see it happening and escape."  (By God, he's a Genius, I tell you!)

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only survival guide that instructs you on how to prevent and ward off a home invasion and eradicate them from your property for good.  In the unfortunate event of an actual attack, it will prepare you for battle, outlining dozens of possible encounter scenarios and defense strategies. 

.....Don't think you have anything to worry about?  ............Don't think the 'garden gnomes' are anything that you really have to worry about? ..............Are you really willing to take that chance? 
Source: When Garden Gnomes Attack by David Moye/Aol News (Sept 22, 2010)
http://www.aolnews.com/discuss/2010/09/22/hold-for-buck-edited-when-garden-gnomes-attack#gcpDiscussPageUrlAnchor

I gotta quit looking at myself naked in the mirror!

First of all, I’ve had about enough Red Bull that I can handle today, …..time to lay off it awhile…….I’m just sayin’…..I think I’m gonna faint!

I’m in serious need of a 'body image change', too, (just so you know)….I’m standing in front of the mirror totally naked - checking myself out again…………(……..I gotta quit doing that, already……it’s depressing………and it makes me want to throw up!)

……..and I don’t know exactly what happened to my body these last few years - to make it look like the way it does right now – ‘CAUSE it’s not pretty……..not pretty one single bit!  (….okay……..who am I fooling……….. of course I know why my body looks like this right now……....hellllllloooo…….it’s because I’m lazy….and I’m fat ……….and I like to eat!)  And as I look at this body of mine, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not that sexy anymore! And it’s starting to PISS ME OFF! (………’cause I’m this little ‘sex craved’ smokin’ hot 29 year old stuck in this frumpy ‘mom’ body……..remember?)

………I mean, it’s not like I’m the type of girl that thinks a woman has to be thin to be sexy .......(…no, I’m not that kind of girl….don’t worry…….)  But - HOLY GEEZ……I do remember that ‘IT WAS A LOT MORE FUN TO BE SEXY’ when I was thinner – and smokin’ hot………

…..so then I get this great idea that I’m gonna try on all my ‘sexy stuff’ that I have hidden in my closet………so here I am now - parading around in front of the full length mirror trying on all my sexy little lacy teddy’s and negligees and thigh highs......... high heels and garters and I’m posing all seductive and pretending I’m some ‘playboy bunny on steroids’ ……… and actually, it’s not that I look too bad…….I mean if I stand a certain way and hold in my stomach just right, and push my rear-end out and if I don’t breathe……..and push my chest out….…and don’t move, for ‘Freaks Sake’ (for fear that my muffin-top is gonna fall out of my elastic panties and one of my boobs is gonna fall out of my skimpy little bra)………….well, I may be able to get away with it………but once I move………(…well….a girls gotta breathe, right?) …........well, then it’s all over, people!

….what’s a girl to do?

I'm a MORON - and I'll never win my $1000.00.......

OK………(like we haven’t been round and round this topic before)………(well, HUMOR ME, people!)....……I seriously need to lose weight!

You know that ‘$1000.00’ that HairyMan bet me about ME losing 30 pounds by June 1st………..well………….I DON’T even want to talk about it………( well…..maybe I DO )…………………I’M A MORON……..… Do you know that I haven’t lost ONE pound!? …(……..hellllloooooooooo………surprise…….)………oh yeah………I lost a couple of pounds (kudos to me) last month………but that victory was short-lived - because I gained it all back again! …….. not that that should really surprise you!?

………….Maybe I need an INTERVENTION…………….

First of all – it’s NOT like I’m OBSESSED with my weight and being thin and skinny again………(OK, maybe I am) ……but face it, it's like I'm this 'tiny-little-sexy-fun-girl' - who's stuck in this 'old-worn-out-hefty-over-sized-shell-of-a-body'.............and it's crampin' my style and it's starting to seriously piss me off ........and it's preventing me from being MY 'oh-so-cool-HOT-sexy-self'.......................BUT………helllooooo……..if I WAS obsessed – wouldn’t I BE THIN ………….. think about it…..…….it’s just that I can’t FIT into half of my clothes in my closet (which is depressing)………and those teeny little skinny bitches who walk by me every day.......well, seriously - I"m about ready to stick a pencil in their 'jugular' - if you know what I mean.................come on already.................eat a sandwich, will you.............…AND my weight IS taking a toll on my health (I'm starting to feel my age)…………trust me……..if you’ve been paying attention to my life, you’ll know that I’m a HAPPY person and my “Life is Good!”…………BUT – I do think I’d be just a little bit happier if I was in – lets see – into I size 9………………….SO – this is the problem, girlfriends:

……….helllooooo…………..I LOVE Cheeseburgers! …….by now you should know that……………and you should know how WEAK I am……(…..it’s not that you’ve just met me or something, right………..so try to keep up…………)……………OK, and ABOUT the ‘Alcohol’……..seriously, people………I like to drink!............which takes us to ‘Energy Drinks’….I’m seriously addicted! …………..yes, I know they aren’t healthy for me…….…(especially, when I add the Vodka)……….…but hey, what can I say………

I don’t think I realize how BIG I’m actually getting……………how many sizes that I’ve actually grew in the last 4 years…………….in my own little mind - I don’t think I look too big………(then I see myself in a snapshot or a video, and OMFreakin’HolyBeans………Is that me?).................(where the FREAK did that FAT woman come from and how did she get in my picture?)…….........….BUT seriously – shouldn’t the fact that my clothes don’t fit me any more – be a clue? AND……………have you SEEN me naked? (I look bad enough with my clothes ON, TRUST ME)....…….well, it gets a whole lot worse when I take my clothes off! I seriously look like someone’s ‘FRUMPY MOTHER’…………(and trust me, girlfriends – that isn’t the look I’m going for)……and seeing me NAKED isn’t an image you want embedded in your mind right now………..….

..........and the fact that I have NO DESIRE to work-out or do anything physical may have something to do with it (with me being fat and all)………… (I'm SORRY, Richard, if I don't want to jump around for 20-30 minutes to 'Sweatin' to the Oldies', while totally out of breath, dying of thirst, sweating to death, and peeing my pants) .......hhhelllllloooooooooo............NOT FUN........besides - jumping jacks or any type of jumping make me pee my pants............ jogging makes me pee my pants......even power walking makes me pee my pants.............intense exercise ............... you got it ................. I pee myself! ...................(But that's a whole 'NOTHER' POST! Please DON'T get me started on that problem!)

Well ………the good news is that I haven’t GAINED any weight in a month………….(and I know you’ve heard this before)………but TODAY'S the day that I turn over a 'NEW LEAF' in my life!

It doesn’t matter how old I am, that’s NO excuse…………I wanna be a HOT MAMA again! My birthdays in May and I’ll be 44 years old - in exactly 32 days - and there is NO reason (NO REASON) that I CAN'T look and feel ‘freakin’ Fabulous, OK?

Well - NOW that I've gotten myself all ‘RILED UP'…………..and NOW that I'm about ready to SHOVE a 'Kielbasa' down some 'Skinny Models' throat..............

I’ll keep you posted on my progress…………..wish me luck!

Photo courtesy of the Internet.

Happy Friday!

In addition to this blog, I actually have another blog about diet and exercise, working out and getting fit! (.............yes............... I know - you're all asking yourselves what I'M doing with a diet and fitness blog - what with me being so unhealthy, overweight and seriously inactive and not motivated these days)......................WELL..........this second blog of mine is just a small 'private' blog that I - along with 3 of my girlfriends - use to motivate ourselves, post comments, diet and fitness tips and acheivements.............. (As you can see, it's really working for me, isn't it!)...................The 4 of us took time off over the holidays from diet and fitness blogging (we thought really - what would be the point anyway - since we all planned on drinking and eating straight through December).........but now that the holidays are long since over, we've decided to get back into the swing of things (at least I have............so I thought) and maybe start motivating each other again.

The following is a post from my other blog - this morning:

OK, I seriously suck (already) ............. (surprise!)...........and it's only been 1 day. Don't ask me where Thursday, 2/4/2010 went - cause obviously - I didn't bother posting! (You guys shouldn't be depending on me anyway .......you have ment me, right? You know my track record...............) And don't even make me tell you how my Thursday went! I don't know what happened since my post on Wednesday (when I was all pumped up and ready to get fit and fabulous) ......................but obviously something happened between Wednesday afternoon and Friday morning that got me losing my motivation ....................(I'm pathetic!)..................... (You guys should know by now that I'm all talk, most of the time, anyway!) .....................oh well.........it's a new day, right?

So now it's Friday ..................and I'm actually doing not too bad today (so far, anyway, but it's only 10:30AM........give me time, I'm sure I'll 'F_ _K' (shhhh....don't say the "F" word) it up before the day is over!)..................So far today: Green Tea w/ Honey - (my new drink of choice today) and eating apples.................. (plus a vivarin, of course) Question: How many Vivarin can a person take a day, by the way?

NOTE: Green Tea is my new drink of choice at the moment.............that I've decided I'm gonna start drinking instead of red bull, coffee and crystal light from now on .........................(I just decided this morning, by the way!)...........we'll have to see how long this is gonna last..........................last month it was the tomato juice and we all know how long that lasted ..........(I ended up throwing out my 1/2 drank bottle of moldy tomato juice that was hidden in the back of my refridgerator, because I lost interest after 2 days!) Next time I get in a tomato juice kick, I'm adding Vodka and a pickle.........that's sure to hold my interest longer than 2 days! (How's would Green Tea be with Vodka, by the way?)

BUT it's the weekend (Strike one!)..................and we all know what happens on the weekend, don't we!? ................Let's see, I do have bean bags (thank God it's not 'shot day')..........I'm sure Rob and I will eat out (we always do on the weekends - uh....strike 2)........And it's also Superbowl Sunday (now I have 3 strikes against me this weekend..............great!....................)......and my guess is that I'm gonna be munchin' on fat greasy food all day Sunday, drinking numerous cans of beer, sipping on fu-fu tropical drinks, and downing various shots of Tequila!"..............(......listen, girls....................you should know by now - you can't expect too much out of me anyway...........why am I charge of this 'diet and fitness' blog anyway? Am I really the role model that you want in your lives?............).............."So I'm officially declaring the start of this years 'get fit and thin' lifestyle on Monday, February 8th".......................(I can do that, cause I'm the president of the club, remember?)

Jenny (Club President)

Just some Friday Ramblings...........

It’s Friday (my favorite day of the week) and I’m feeling wonderful. I have a new hairdo and the vivarin’s kickin’ in, girlfriends………….

Generally, I’m always in a good mood on Fridays! Maybe it has something to do with “3 o’clock - Sparks time!” ……………and speaking of energy, I’ve decided to stay away from the energy drinks for a while! It has just come to my attention how much SUGAR is in a can of one of these. (Heeelllllooooo………. I’m just now figuring this out? ……….Yes, I’m an idiot!) Maybe that’s why I’m not losing any weight! If I count up all the sugar that I’ve been consuming in the last few months! A lot of good its doing me - eating all these salads, when I wash them down with a Red Bull, right?......................am I really this stupid? Apparently I am!

Typically, I drink an average of two of these things a day………..either Red Bull or Amp.

(…….. I like Red Bull better, but Amp is cheaper!)

I pride myself that I’m not a “soda drinker”……….. I very seldom drink a pop! ..............But let’s see ……….aren‘t I defeating the purpose - by drinking energy drinks, since they’re basically the same thing as soda……….. but with more sugar......... and more energy……………it’s sort of like Mt Dew amplified about 10 times, right? So I’m only kidding myself by telling people that I don’t drink ‘Pop!’ Because in place of soda, I'm drinking Red Bull…………….oh, and that’s healthy………… and better for me! ......NOT!

So I’ve made it my personal mission to stay away from Red Bull and Amp for a little while! And that’s where the ‘vivarin’ comes in! It’s my little “happy pill” of choice right now! It’s everything I need in a pill! It gives me energy! It curbs my hunger (hhheellllooooooo.......... huge plus!) It puts me in a good mood (………..who needs Prozac, when I can take this!) And it is sold over the counter - available at your nearest Wal-Mart or Walgreen’s! (How can this be legal!)

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah……..I know………this really can’t be healthy. But drinking energy drinks all of the time isn’t too healthy either, right! And eating an entire box of Oreos in one sitting isn’t too healthy for me either! And if you know me at all, you should know I don’t always use my head when it comes to some things!

So, we’re going to try this little magic pill for awhile! We’ll see how it goes and I’ll report back!

Here we try again...........

OK, so you know how about 2 weeks ago I told you how I was going to start my "big exercise, get fit, get healthy and hot program?" Well.......don't ask! It really didn't work out so hot for me!

SO....................I actually started my "big exercise, get fit for life program" THIS week instead of two weeks ago as planned....(simply because I bombed at it 2 weeks ago!) Does that really surprise you? So I got started again on Monday.........yes, I'm aware that it's only been one day(since it's only Tuesday)........but I'm feeling very positive this time and I've got some good friends supporting me in my efforts.

We've actually made up our own little "Chub Club 2009" to help us accomplish our goals.

Well, here's what it boils down to....

Yesterday I walked one mile. Today I walked one mile. I now have shin splints and it hurts to walk, period. I also have a blister on my heel. I did arm exercises (with weights) yesterday and today my arms are numb and I can't feel my shoulders. Yesterday I did sit-ups. Today it hurts to laugh and it pains me to bend at the waist.

Both yesterday and today I've eaten salads, boiled eggs, string cheese, 100 calorie Ritz snack mix, a turkey sandwich, and pickles. Alright, I'm already sick of salads, boiled eggs, string cheese, 100 calorie Ritz snack mix, turkey sandwiches, and pickles. I'm craving Cheeseburgers and Cheesecake. Take a deep breath, Jenny, be strong.......I know I can do this!

Why I want to lose weight and get fit and healthy:

1. I haven't been taking care of myself for the last 8 years and I'm feeling very unhealthy. My cholesterol is high and I need to start taking care of my body and health, (or I won't be around to enjoy the rest of my life or to enjoy watching my kids grow and live their lives.)

2. I simply need to lose weight. I don't fit into any of my clothes. It's not fun getting dressed anymore. I can't wear the fun girl outfits because I'm too fat. I seriously feel like I'm this 28 year old young hot babe trapped in a 43 year old saggy frumpy body.

3. I don't fit into my coyote ugly butt-less chaps quite the way I use to.

4. I would like to get my belly button pierced again.

And 5. I want to get a tattoo of Red Lips on my ASS! (my friend Heather told me she'd buy me my tattoo of Red Lips on my ass if I could lose 16 pounds in one month......wish me luck!)

Just so you know, I don't think she's too worried........my track record of losing weight and getting fit isn't too great......... My husband once told me he'd give me $1000.00 cash if I lost 30 pounds by Christmas, and I couldn't even do that!

Image by Fotosearch

This Can't Be Me!

Holy Moses! Is that really me? I LOOK GROSS! (I’m looking at my naked body in the mirror, by the way.)

I just got out of the shower, am dripping wet, standing in front of the full length mirror in my bathroom, drying myself off. OK………...quit looking, Jenny…………maybe if I dry myself off and comb my hair, I’ll look better…………(I look again)………. No, guess not!

My hips are huge! No wonder my jeans don’t fit! No wonder I have to unbutton them all the time!

I turn around to look at my butt in the mirror!........... Oh My Gosh! My butt is enormous! And what’s with all those little dimples and divots ……….……”Holy Cottage Cheese Thighs!” That can’t be MY butt! “Wasn’t it just yesterday that my ass looked phenomenal in my coyote ugly butt-less chaps?”

And where’d that little gap go? (The one that used to be between my thighs when I stand with my knees together.) My thighs are touching for gosh sakes, they’re rubbing together, and probably chafing with every move I make! ………………. Note To Self: I need to buy Baby Powder!

Holy Toledo! What’s with all that skin hanging from my waist? No, wait a minute, on second thought, what waist….I have no waist! Rolls, Rolls, Rolls………everywhere I look, more rolls! Where’s my stomach? Where’s my abs of steel? ………….Oh my God, is that my belly button? (And to think that it used to be pierced!) My belly button now looks like a huge “crater” in my midriff of fat! It’s disgusting!

Isn’t it summer out? Why am I so pale? Shouldn’t I be tan? Normally at this time of year, I have a healthy brown glow about me. I look sickly! All white and pasty looking. (I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dead!) …………….Note To Self: Make some tanning appointments!

And look at my complexion…… age spots, wrinkles, huge pores, and pimples (Aren’t I be too old to have acne?) And what’s with the coarse black hairs jutting out of my chin? Have I started growing a beard? By gosh, I think I have!

And I can’t possibly be the only middle-aged woman with little black hairs growing on her breasts? Not many, just a couple here and there…….Thank god that I pluck them every so often or the girls would be covered in hair! And weren’t they a lot perkier yesterday? Today, my nipples are pointing toward my feet!

And what’s with the uni-brow? Didn’t I just pluck my eyebrows last week? What am I now – Chewbacca? Where’s all this hair coming from? I have hair everywhere. I just shaved my legs last night, and now I can almost comb the hair on them!

My toenails are way too long…..they look like talons. It’s a wonder I haven’t turned over in bed at night and punctured Rob’s “Achilles” with them. And half of my toenails polish has worn off in some places……….have I actually been wearing sandals this summer, with my feet looking like this? What is wrong with me?

And my hairs wet, but it still looks like shit! When was the last time that I had it cut? I mean “Professionally Cut” by someone who actually knows how to cut hair. And what’s with the bangs? I think I remember getting drunk last night and giving myself bangs…….That would explain all the hair in the wastebasket in the bathroom. So I wake up this morning and now I have a new hairdo! What the Hell!
Note To Self: Quit cutting my own hair when I’m drinking!

I look pitiful! Where on earth did my youth go! It’s like I woke up this morning and I’ve turned into somebody’s overweight mother! This isn’t me. I’m a hot babe! I specifically remember having a waist, having perky boobs, a gap between my legs, and 2 distinctive eyebrows. No wonder I wear clothes every day…..I’ve got to cover this shit up! I have to disguise this beast of a body! There is no question that I definitely look better with my clothes on! Note To Self: “Don’t ever take my clothes off ever again!” "And quit eating Cheeseburgers!"

Photo courtesy of womenshealthmag.com

I'd Rather Eat A Cheeseburger

When I was younger, I never had a problem with my weight. Up until about 10 years ago, I always looked fit and trim. With the exception of my chin.....I could weigh 100 pounds and be anorexic and I would still have my double chin. It's in my genes. But when you're thin and fit, who looks at you chin anyway. And to be honest, my chin is the least of my problems right now. (But that's another post, and we'll talk about chins later.)

Ten years ago I certainly didn't have any problems fitting into ALL of the clothes that were hanging in my closet. I would always walk around my house in my matching underwear and bra......(because when I was "young and hot", I was "anal" about my undergarments matching at ALL TIMES. I would have been completely mortified to be caught in my skivvy's wearing a blue bra and green panties.) And I used to not care if anyone ever seen my body. I would go to the beach in my bikini and I would walk up and down the shore numerous times in hopes that people would see how great I looked. Let's just say that ten years ago I wouldn't have had to try to squeeze into a size 10 pants in order to pretend I wasn't fat!

I was wearing size 8 and 10 jeans back then, and they were wonderfully comfortable and they actually fit me! (No muffin top hanging out and no unbuttoning them after 15 minutes.) Yes I'll have to admit I looked a lot better back in my early thirties, when I was a lot younger and healthier. I was thin, I ate better, I was healthy, I was teaching aerobics and I was taking better care of myself. I didn't get winded walking up a flight of stairs. I didn't have a sore butt after a night of bowling! And my legs didn't hurt the next day, after a night out of dancing. I was in the best shape of my life! Boy if I knew then what I know now I certainly would have continued doing sit-ups and taken more walks on the treadmill.

Oh, what I wouldn't do to be thin again. Not that I'm the kind of girl that needs to be thin and beautiful to be happy, but it sure would be great to be a little more healthier than I am at this stage of my life! The problem is that as much as I would love to be skinny and healthy again, I'd rather eat a cheeseburger. Let's face it....."Cheeseburgers Rock!" Big, greasy, messy, fattening, cholesterol filled, fat burgers that when you take a bite, all of the insides run down your fingers. They can be grilled or broiled, fried or baked.....I don't really care. I don't even need a bun....I'll eat them with my hands and dip them in mayonnaise if I must. I absolutely love them! They say that nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. And I'm sure that's true, but how am I supposed to watch my cholesterol and stay fit and trim with all the cheeseburgers teasing, taunting me and calling my name. Let's be honest, I'm not about to lose any weight as long as there are cheeseburgers in my world. What is really pathetic is that half the time, I'm not even hungry. But then again, I don't eat because I'm hungry. I just love to eat. "Some people eat to live, I live to eat!" Yes, eating is one of my favorite things to do!

I could start eating healthier. And I could start working out. But who wants to eat carrots and celery? And I'm not in the mood to work out. Exercising makes me tired, makes me sweat and I usually pee my pants. I use to work out all of the time. I used to love to exercise back in my aerobic days. Now I've gotten lazy. And the longer I go without exercise, the harder it is to get back into it! I've tried diets.......all kinds of diets! The Grapefruit Diet gave me canker sores. The Cabbage Soup Diet gave me bladder infections. Slim Fast is absolutely useless. Weight Watchers, Lean Cuisines, and Smart Ones, .....they all have one thing in common...they don't work for me. Face it, I'd rather eat cheeseburgers!

So............in my perfect little world, all I need is a miracle skinny pill! Yes, I'm all about taking a pill! How easy would that be? One that makes me thin and healthy again. "Take once a day and see the pounds just fall off!" "The eat all I want without having to exercise kind of pill!" That's the one! Trust me, I've tried them all and I have yet to find one that works. I simply need a pill that will make me not want to eat. Plain and Simple, right? Not a pill that curbs my appetite. (We've established that I don't eat because I'm hungry, so curbing my appetite won't work for me!) And for Gosh Sakes don't give me a pill that needs to be taken along with a healthy diet and plenty of exercise. Are you kidding me! If I was eating a proper diet and exercising, I wouldn't need to take a pill to begin with! And what's with all of these pills and their side effects? If taking some sort of miracle skinny vitamin is going to cause my hair to fall out, cause seeping boils to appear on my face or cause me to have anal leakage.....then don't bother.  I'd rather stay fat!

Phote courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt