Alone in a hospital....a killer's on the lose....and where's my Room Service!

So here I sit in the hospital ….. hooked up to this contraption that is supposed to monitor my sleeping habits tonight.  I seriously look like freakin’ Frankenstein – with tubes hooked to my head, face, arms and legs!  I brought a book to read and am looking so forward to an entire night with a bed all to myself without Hairyman and my dog, Maximus. (…sorry, Hairyman….)

I was a little anxious and nervous coming in tonight, but am quite at ease now because I’m in a room that looks like a hotel room, not a hospital room….very comfortable and homey.  Actually, now that I think about it….. they brought me to this dark, isolated wing of the hospital and the technician that I followed to this room…….well – let’s just say – I’m not entirely sure I’m STILL IN the hospital, to be honest…..with the long maze of hallways, twists and turns, and elevators and stairs we had to take to get here....…I could be in another building on the other side of town for all I know....…...I’m completely LOST…I’ll never find my way out!   If there’s a fire – I’m fairly certain I’ll DIE!    And the creepy technician that brought me here…..his odd silence…his wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete and all…….it could be my imagination, but something just doesn’t feel right tonight…    (…HA!....just kidding – the technician wasn’t really wearing a hockey mask and carrying a machete…….I made that up........BUT - he WAS creepy regardless…...like 'Jeffrey Dahmer' kindof creepy......)

Things that could go wrong tonight:
1.) I'll strangle myself in my sleep with all these wires going on in my bed tonight.
2.) I'll snore SO LOUD tonight that they'll actually cancel my testing and kick me out of this place....(.....how embarrassing would that be....getting kicked out of a sleep apnea test for snoring too loud....isn't that the point of the freakin' test?......I'm just sayin'....)
3.) I return home tomorrow and Hairyman has shut me out of my house and changed all the locks on the doors....
4.) I get murdered in here by a creepy, maniacal killer ...(...NOTE TO SELF: I really have to quit watching so many scary movies....)
AND 5.) This place won't have room service.

I’m typing away on my laptop now…(…looking like Frankenstein, let’s not forget…)…and now I’ve got myself all worked up trying to imagine what I’m gonna do when psycho ‘Jason Voorhees’ technician decides to come calling while I’m alone in this room tonight.  Never mind the thin little lab tech outside my door monitoring my sleeping……..killer Jason is gonna eat her alive….(….what with her size-2 scrubs and skinny little petite frame goin’ on........the bitch!)…..forget about her offering me any ounce of protection from 'crazy man with a cross-bow'.  For cryin' out loud… I could freakin’ kick her ass if I wanted too...…she'll be useless in any type of survival situation...................eat a sandwich, will ya!…..(....evidently, she doesn't know the zombie apocalypse is coming....)

My only hope of survival is the hope that I MAY HEAR the sound of Jason killing her outside my door prior to his entering my room ...

(.....I pause to pray for her death to be a loud death....)   
.................which will bide me some time to plan my escape……...(...actually, right now I'm contemplating getting up and practicing my Chuck Norris moves.....but decide against it....)

Of course, in my mind - the hospital’s been shut down ....hours ago....while I’ve been cooped up in this room and everyone has evacuated the hospital …(...unbeknownst to me ...........)..…and of course, everybody’s forgotten about me in this creepy dark isolated wing ....…so here I am - all alone for the night ....(…’cause Jason killed the skinny lab tech, remember….) …in this deserted building with a maniacal killer lose….hunting me…

.....my only hope is to make it to morning....oh, God help me....

I hear something outside my door.......then silence....(......I sit ready to be murdered....)  ......ready to pounce like a Ninja....... ..there's a knock.....the door opens..........and the cheery little lab tech asks if I need anything. 

'I'd like a Cheeseburger , an order for fries (with a side of mayo) and an order of deep fried pickles with ranch dressing with a Diet Coke to drink, please.'

'Size-2 tiny bitch' smiles, giggles to herself, tells me ....(....and I believe her exact words are...) "You're a hoot".......she tells me to have a good night, to let her know if I need anything and closes the door as she leaves......

.....hellllooooooo - I wanted a freakin' Cheeseburger........that's what I wanted........(...Damn Her....)......Evidently they don't offer room service during 'Sleep Apnea' tests....

........and I'm guessing the chances of me getting any Vodka in here are NULL!

Skin Rabies or Bot Flies...........

The other night (December 26, 2011) I woke up and I have a rash on my back and my chest…..(........not a pretty sight, let me TELL you.........)   I hunted for bed bugs and spiders but none could be found.  (I work for a pest control company, so I'm fairly confident that I DO know what I’m doing, yes!) 

So I’m 99 % sure I don’t have bed bugs and getting bit by a spider goes against everything that I’ve been taught through my job (..........meaning the chances of being bit by a spider are very rare in my neck of the woods.)

So what could my 'bites/ rash' BE you ask?

1.) In the middle of the night, someone could have took a 'straight pin' and poked me in the back and the boobs a few times…………(….altho, WHY anyone would do this – I’m not sure!)

2.) I used too much bleach while washing my bra out and I could be having a bad reaction to the excessive bleach in my bra!

3.) The little bites or holes in my skin are actually the wounds made from the pitch forks and ice picks of the dreaded garden gnomes that decided to attack me that night.

............or..............4.) Bot Flies

…………..I’m going with ‘Bot Flies’………yeah, I can't be sure........(......but I'm fairly certain........) that a few flies laid their eggs in my skin and now I have little 'bot fly larvae’s' growing in my back and on my boobs…...….I’m just sayin’……

(...actual photo of the bot flies in my skin......BUT they're not in my arm - they're in my back and boobs!)

..........I'll keep you posted on the little devils.........

(......the picture was actually taken from the internet, you fools!)

If you see ME running - I'm probably being chased by a rabid panther....

I’m into RUNNING now. (Aren’t you impressed?) The other day I went out and bought myself a cute little running outfit, a new pair of tennis shoes, and a running belt.   The running belt holds my drivers license, some money, my credit card, my IPod, my cell phone, my lipstick, a pocket mirror, poise pads and 2 jackknives.


JUST A FEW NOTES:

1.)  The running outfit looks a H*LL of a lot better on the mannequin then it does on me……(…..maybe because the ‘freakin’ mannequin is a size 4 …….and doesn’t have any muffin top…)………I HATE YOU MANNEQUIN!

2.)  My new tennis shoes are too small for my feet and my big toe keeps jamming into the front of my shoe when I run…..(….I can’t be sure but I think my toenail on my big toe on my left foot is close to falling off right now ……and it’s not pretty…and it hurts...)

3.)  The money and I.D. are for when I happen to jog past a bar and need to stop for some Vodka – which pretty much happens all the time when I run.   Usually I stay too long at the bar and I have to call Hairyman to come pick me up.   Which doesn’t make him too happy………but no worries………I just bribe him with sexual favors of course……….But now I’ve started carrying '1 ounce shot bottles of Vodka' in my running belt.  (…aren’t you amazed at how smart I am?)

4.)  The credit card if for when I run out of cash at the bar…….hellllooooo…...

5.)  The jackknife is to defend myself against the freaky maniacal killer who is stalking behind me on the path with full intentions of raping me and torturing me and then killing me and cutting me up into little pieces and then feeding me to his pet komodo dragon that he keeps in the basement of his parents house…….(…..cause you KNOW he must live at home!).

6.)  Or…….the jackknife can also help with protecting myself against the panther that I’ve talked myself into believing is going to jump me on the trail one day and eat my face off.

7.)  And like I’m gonna leave home without my lipstick….or a mirror….hellllooooo…... I need to check myself out 'now and then' to see that I’m still looking ‘HOT’ in my running attire.     ON A SIDE NOTE:  The mirror can be used to start a fire in the forest if I get lost on the path and have to spend the night in the woods.

8.)  The 2nd jackknife is just in case I lose the first jackknife.

9.)  Poise Pads……..I think that’s self explanatory, don’t you?

So I’m running now…………well, that’s not really true …………I haven’t really been running ………... I think we better call it JOGGING instead…………..well, that’s not really true either..............actually it’s more like ‘fast-walking’…………well….. ‘fast-walking’ isn’t really accurate either.

Oh, Hell…….If the truth be known… I guess one could just say that I’ve been taking a few leisurely walks now and then.   And I’m not even walking very fast, trust me…....(....hey……walking fast make me tired and gets me out of breath……and it makes me sweat……..and I don’t like getting all sweaty and tired when I work out.)

Anyway…..now I have ‘shin-spints’ and how the freak I could get shin-spints in the first place is beyond me…because I’m hardly walking very fast at all.   In fact last time I took a walk, I spent 20 minutes out of my 30 minute walk picking up pine cones and acorns from along the side of the road. HEY – Don’t Judge Me!

'My Freak Sunflower Seed Accident'

I've been eating sunflower seeds all day long today (....which I'm guessing
might have something to do with me being fat and all......just a
thought..........) .....anyway......beside the fact that I've ate so many of
them today that my mouth is actually RAW and I have NO SENSE OF TASTE left
on my tongue......well, you know how you're supposed to break the outer seed
of the sunflower seed in your mouth, eat the soft innards and SPIT OUT the
hard shell?    Well, to my horror - I just did the opposite..............I
just SPIT OUT the 'inner soft part' and SWALLOWED the hard shell..........WHOLE........I swallowed it FREAKIN' WHOLE - PEOPLE......................... in
fact, I can't be sure....but I think I might be choking to death RIGHT
NOW......as we speak.........

......hypothetically..... let's just say I DON'T choke to death ....  I can tell you RIGHT
NOW I have the hard shell of a sunflower seed LODGED in the back of my
throat.......I can feel it grinding into my skin every time I swallow..............yes I can........and it was a freakin' huge seed too......sorta
the size of a 'Lincoln Log'........(......but a Lincoln Log that's been
sharpened on both ends, mind you.........)....and every time I swallow I can feel it
digging deeper into the flesh of my throat and I'm sure it's working it's
way to the base of my skull where it will then make its way into my spinal
cord ............and eventually that seed is gonna get LODGED in my spinal
cord and paralyze me and it's not gonna be a good thing.......not a very
good thing AT ALL...........and when THAT happens.... (...you know when I'm
paralyzed and everything.....)  ... you'll all probably be wishing you
would've paid a little more attention to me when I was telling you about
my 'freak sunflower seed accident!'  ...............(.....I'm just sayin'.........)

It Could Happen Monday...........

I visited my parents this last weekend for Mothers Day, and with Spring in the Air, I happened to notice that they’ve got those Gosh Darn ‘Garden Gnomes’ strategically placed thru-out their flower beds again, despite my constant warnings. (Yeah – like I’m NOT going to notice them! ………..D*MN it, Margie!)    So with that in mind……I got to thinkin’:

I COULD go visit my mom and dad one weekend this summer. AND….I could TRY to IGNORE those evil ‘Dwarf-wanna-be’s’ positioned in my mothers gardens……I’d be – like- visiting with my parents and we would walk by the little demons, as my mother showed me her prize flowers…..and I could swear that their little ‘beady eyes’ would be following me ………

And all of a sudden something would catch my eye and I could swear that one ‘garden gnome with the red hat and the garden shovel’ was facing the East and not the West……….(ok….trying to put the image out of my mind and chalk it up to hallucinations, Jenny…..)

Later - night would come of course; we’d all go to bed… (Yeah, well…….everyone but me…)…..seriously, mom – how the heck am I supposed to fall asleep knowing the garden gnomes are secretly dancing around the yard plotting to do my harm!

I’d finally fall asleep and I would be awakened by the sound of my bedroom door opening………I’d open my eyes to the marching sound of little footsteps making their way from the doorway to my bed!     Sure enough - I would see the shadows in the darkness ....of little demon dwarfs with red hats... (there must’ve been at least 30 of them) ...climbing up the sides of my bed with pitch forks, garden machetes and little axes……I will not be able to move - due to fright - and so they will start attaching me with their miniature weapons of destruction. (I’ll be powerless against the little FREAKS…………you know the saying “Strength in Numbers” don't cha.........)

In the morning, my parents will enter my room to wake me up for breakfast and I will be gone……….having disappeared…….never to be found again.

And only the ‘Devil Gnomes’ in my mothers flower beds will know what became of me that night….

Well…………It could happen, people!

It Could Happen Monday!

It could happen........

I could wake up tomorrow morning, and realize that I have a split personality.....

.....the I've been living a double life...................I could find out that my name is ‘Jenny’ by day..........and 'Luwanda' by night ....................... and that (as Luwanda) I'm the mistress of a mob boss who I happened to meet while stripping at a night club named 'Sammy's Stripper Joint & Cheeseburger Palace'................and I've NOT ONLY been stripping at night, (as a topless cowgirl and wearing my 'coyote ugly butt-less chaps').....but Sammy has been paying me in Cheeseburgers! .........(that would explain why I've gained all this weight)..............because I've been eating all my profits at night (while leading my double life as a topless cowgirl stripper!)

Hey...........it could happen!

Photo courtesy of the Internet

"It Could Happen Monday!"

It could happen...................

.....................tonight while putting on my pajamas............(I think I'll wear my 'pink and yellow cotton nighty' to bed tonight, just so you know)........... I COULD get this strange need to look under my bed..................

.............call me crazy, but once in awhile, I get these strange premonitions to do things.......................SO.............amongst all of the rabid dust bunnies that have been living underfoot my bed.............I discover a loose floor board (while acting on my premonition and looking under the bed).............. so I crawl under my bed..........(cause I can)................and............"WA - LA".... there it is............. a stolen bank bag hidden underneath a wooden 2X4.............(not that I know it's stolen, I'm just assuming.............(and besides, it makes for a better story) ..............SO............ a stolen bank bag full of $25,000.00 in '100 bills'...................................CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?................what are the odds...............

So now I'm pretty much in a fabulous mood..............(cause I've found all this money, and all)........... BUT........ now I have a dilemma.............

..........what if the maniacal thieves (who stole the money in the first place) decide to come back and retrieve it.................and it's not there.......(because I've taken it, of course............helllooooooo, like I'm gonna leave $25,000.00 under my bed)...........and what if they decide to torture me until I give up the location of the money? I don't like pain, girlfriends.......................and I don't wanna give up my money (finders keepers)................I'm a weak woman..........and I'm sure to cave in at the first sign of them shoving bamboo strips under my fingernails......................OR........... if they start cutting off my toes one by one and stuffing them into my mouth............

.........(I think I've been watching too much TV).....................

Photo courtesy of the internet

It could happen.......

Things that could happen to me today:

I COULD get LOST on my way to work and end up in a desolate wooded area .........with my car out of gas ..................and no way to communicate with the outside world ..............and I would have no food and no water ........................and be lost for days ....................and I may have to build a 'lean-to' out of twigs and fern leaves in order to survive .................and I may have to hunt wild boar in the forest using an arrow that I made out of a branch.............and my mind would start playing tricks on me ...........and I may start talking to a soccer ball that I found in the woods and who I befriended and named 'Wilson'...............and maybe I'd start imagining myself being stalked by a rabid grizzly bear that was waiting for the right chance to hunt me down and tear my limbs off and eat me.................and I'd start hearing things that weren't there and I may go insane from the absence of any type of human interaction for days.............and I would most definitely have to drink my own urine to survive.

............hhhellllllooooooooooo.............IT COULD HAPPEN!

Photo courtesy of the internet.

It Could Happen...................

Things that COULD happen to me today:



I COULD find a secret staircase behind a bookcase in my living room which leads to a secret room where I find a magic lamp in which a genie appears and grants me three wishes............

OR................I COULD be savagely attacked by a rabid coyote while walking out to my mailbox to get the mail...........

OR...........I COULD be one of those women who DOESN'T know she's been pregnant the last 8-9 months and I COULD all of a sudden give birth while sitting on the toilet trying to take a poop..........

OR.......I COULD get stabbed in the eye with a fork by an escaped convict named 'Franco' who I pick up hitchhiking on my way to work this morning

..................hellllooooooo...................IT could happen.........................
Photo courtesy of the Internet