Hypnotist's, Phylis Diller look-alikes and Fire Hydrants....

So.....since I'm still as fat as the last time we talked....I decided to go to a 'Hypnotist' to try to lose weight.  I went with my mom ...(evidently, she thinks I'm fat!)  We met at the community center and there was about 25-30 people there.....both male and female.  The hypnotist did a 'group hypnotism' with all of us in the room at the same time.  (...genius idea, Mr. Hypno guy.....this oughtta be fun....)    He turned down the lights, lit some candles and told us to get comfortable.  I figured he'd break out in a rendition of 'Reunited' by Peaches and Herb at any moment.......or break us into teams so we could play 'light as a feather, stiff as a board' ...............I was at least hoping he'd pass out some glasses of wine, but that didn't happen either....(....evidently our hypnotist wasn't as cool as I thought he was going to be...)......(...no worries......I had Vodka in my purse....)  I took my shoes off, unbuttoned the top button of my jeans (...I considered taking them off entirely, but thought better of it......since my mom was in the room, of course......)  I took a shot of Vodka from my purse .....(..with mom glaring at me from the next chair with those eyes saying silently that I need an intervention...)    and I assumed the 'Yoga Position' on my folding chair.....(...which wasn't very easy for me....but I managed!)

We were supposed to close our eyes and take some deep breaths.  It was hard to focus because my feet stunk....(....taking my shoes off wasn't such a good idea after all....)  Some lady kept coughing on the other side of the room ...(...ever heard of RICOLA, lady....) ....and some man kept farting toward the back of the room  ...(it smelled like a combination of mildew toes and rotten cow balls in the room!)   How the hell was I supposed to concentrate on his voice and listen to his commands and relax my body and be hypnotized and lose a bunch of weight so my friends will be envious and want to be just like me with all this going on in the background??   And for some reason I can't get the song 'Reunited' out of my head..............(...you've gotta be freakin' kidding me, people....)

...reunited and it feels so good....

....reunited cause we understood....

Oh - for God's sake.........

Focus, Jenny......

So there I was - pretending to be in deep concentration.... while all along I kept peeking out of one eye......silently looking around the room at all the other people probably pretending to be hypnotized, too.....and then I saw her....the crazy looking 'Phylis Diller' lady - with one eye cracked open just like me!  Her hair was in a dishevel and she looked like a homeless bag lady......(...that would certainly explain the shopping cart out front.....).. I stared at her for a moment.........she was looking directly at me from across the room with one 'BEADY EYE' ...(..and I can't be sure - but I'm fairly certain it was a GLASS EYE.....on account of it being all milky-white looking .....)  and I could've swore she licked her lips (...a slowwwwww provocative lick...) and blew me a kiss!  WHAT THE HELL?  I snapped my one-eye closed, lost my balance, about fell off my chair......and the people in the room (the ones that were supposed to be hypnotized) sshh'd me! .......... My mom elbowed me from the chair next to me and I think I pissed myself!

.......anyway.........

I'm not too sure about this hypnotism thing.
My mom bought me the hypnotism CD's to listen to at home.....

(Helllloooooo, my mom thinks I'm fat!)

 I'm not even sure if it worked or not....I don't feel any different.    Mr. Hypnotist guy did tell us that some people - when they're hypnotized - they don't even know they're hypnotized!   Yeah......well......... 

ALL I KNOW IS..... It's been a week..... I haven't lost any weight......and every time I see a homeless person, I have a strange urge to blow them a kiss and I'm obsessed with Peaches and Herb all of a sudden!

Skin Rabies or Bot Flies...........

The other night (December 26, 2011) I woke up and I have a rash on my back and my chest…..(........not a pretty sight, let me TELL you.........)   I hunted for bed bugs and spiders but none could be found.  (I work for a pest control company, so I'm fairly confident that I DO know what I’m doing, yes!) 

So I’m 99 % sure I don’t have bed bugs and getting bit by a spider goes against everything that I’ve been taught through my job (..........meaning the chances of being bit by a spider are very rare in my neck of the woods.)

So what could my 'bites/ rash' BE you ask?

1.) In the middle of the night, someone could have took a 'straight pin' and poked me in the back and the boobs a few times…………(….altho, WHY anyone would do this – I’m not sure!)

2.) I used too much bleach while washing my bra out and I could be having a bad reaction to the excessive bleach in my bra!

3.) The little bites or holes in my skin are actually the wounds made from the pitch forks and ice picks of the dreaded garden gnomes that decided to attack me that night.

............or..............4.) Bot Flies

…………..I’m going with ‘Bot Flies’………yeah, I can't be sure........(......but I'm fairly certain........) that a few flies laid their eggs in my skin and now I have little 'bot fly larvae’s' growing in my back and on my boobs…...….I’m just sayin’……

(...actual photo of the bot flies in my skin......BUT they're not in my arm - they're in my back and boobs!)

..........I'll keep you posted on the little devils.........

(......the picture was actually taken from the internet, you fools!)

'My Freak Sunflower Seed Accident'

I've been eating sunflower seeds all day long today (....which I'm guessing
might have something to do with me being fat and all......just a
thought..........) .....anyway......beside the fact that I've ate so many of
them today that my mouth is actually RAW and I have NO SENSE OF TASTE left
on my tongue......well, you know how you're supposed to break the outer seed
of the sunflower seed in your mouth, eat the soft innards and SPIT OUT the
hard shell?    Well, to my horror - I just did the opposite..............I
just SPIT OUT the 'inner soft part' and SWALLOWED the hard shell..........WHOLE........I swallowed it FREAKIN' WHOLE - PEOPLE......................... in
fact, I can't be sure....but I think I might be choking to death RIGHT
NOW......as we speak.........

......hypothetically..... let's just say I DON'T choke to death ....  I can tell you RIGHT
NOW I have the hard shell of a sunflower seed LODGED in the back of my
throat.......I can feel it grinding into my skin every time I swallow..............yes I can........and it was a freakin' huge seed too......sorta
the size of a 'Lincoln Log'........(......but a Lincoln Log that's been
sharpened on both ends, mind you.........)....and every time I swallow I can feel it
digging deeper into the flesh of my throat and I'm sure it's working it's
way to the base of my skull where it will then make its way into my spinal
cord ............and eventually that seed is gonna get LODGED in my spinal
cord and paralyze me and it's not gonna be a good thing.......not a very
good thing AT ALL...........and when THAT happens.... (...you know when I'm
paralyzed and everything.....)  ... you'll all probably be wishing you
would've paid a little more attention to me when I was telling you about
my 'freak sunflower seed accident!'  ...............(.....I'm just sayin'.........)

....more poop stories......

(If you don't like talking about POOP - you might wanna SKIP this post......I'm just sayin'..........)
Well, I did it again......(....if you're not sure what I'm talking about, read THIS post.......) ......I plugged the toilet at work AGAIN......   Well, I can't help it, people......sometimes I just gotta go.  And I've been having trouble in the poop department lately.

See, this is how it went down:  We have one bathroom in our office - just one - that we all share.  I used to wait for all my male co-workers to leave the office each morning - then - like clockwork  - it's off to the toilet I would go to do my business, same time, each day.  (.....I did this back when I thought all the men in my office didn't think I ever went poop....)      Well - I'm OVER that now - Yeah - I pretty much poop whenever I want to now!   

There was a time - a couple of years ago that I had to go SO BAD................I mean REALLY bad - and one of my male bosses was in the office that afternoon.  I kept waiting for him to get his work done and leave......but he kept sticking around doing God knows what....(....well, I certainly wasn't going to stink up the bathroom when he was in the office...you know..)......I kept having the urge........I mean REAL FREAKIN' BAD .....and I kept trying to squeeze my butt-cheeks together....you know - to keep it from 'prairie-doggin' and stuff.  Well - this lasted for about an hour, then I started getting the cold sweats and not feeling so good ...(...you know....from holding it in and all....)..........at one point I started to feel nauseated ....in fact - I can't be sure, but I think I passed out at my desk for a minute!   I decided that I needed to do something....and FAST.....SO I tried using my 'mental telepathy ninja skills' on him to make him think he had to go somewhere else, thus getting him out of the office.......(...I kept trying to project thoughts into his mind - like:  "ED - You need to LEAVE the office!"....."ED - You have to go downtown to get some lunch!".....or "ED - You need to run home and get your mail!"....or "ED - YOU NEED TO GET THE H*LL OUT OF THE FLIPPIN' OFFICE...LIKE RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW - BEFORE I EXPLODE!"....).....but that didn't work!   Finally....I just couldn't take it anymore....I was sop and wet from sweat.......on the verge of losing consciousness again.....(.....from holding my poop in for so long..).....So I grabbed a few pieces of out-going mail and told him I had to go to the post office to get these letters out ....and by God - I think he bought it!   Little did he know - instead of going to the post office - I went straight to the 'McDonalds' downtown - headed right to the public restroom and did my business.   And let me tell you - It wasn't pretty.......     Well - to Hell with that, my friends.........nope - not putting myself through that again.....EVER......

So, anyway....(...back to my original story....)......today I was taking my daily poop and low and behold - "CLOGGAGE"  (Surprise.........) The rest is as follows:
I open the door to the bathroom having discovered my toilet problem and hollar upstairs to my co-worker, Chris: 
ME:   "Chris, Are we the only ones in the office right now?  I freakin' clogged the toilet again!"
(laughter from upstairs)
(.....plunging....)
(....plunging....)
ME:  "I'm gonna try flushing it again - but I think it's going to overflow!"
(more laughter from upstairs)
(....plunging....)
(......FLUSH........)
ME:  "SHIT....I DID IT.......It's freakin' overflowing......there's poop water going all over.......damn-it.......I TOLD YOU this was gonna happen!"
(...more laughter from upstairs.....)
(.....more plunging...)
(...more plunging.....)
Chris:  (...hollering down to me from upstairs...) "You gotta plunge it really hard to get it to go down, Jenny!"
(....more plunging...)
(.....more plunging....)
ME: "Ok..........Good.........there it goes........I've got it.........it flushed.........did you hear me?.........we're all set..........it's okay now!"
(....laughter from upstairs....)
ME:  "Why does this SHIT always just happen to me, anyway?"
Chris: (...hollering down to me from upstairs....) "It doesn't, Jenny ....it happens to me sometimes too......I just don't broadcast it to the entire office!"
                      (.....well I'll be damned.....)
(photo courtesy of the internet)

I peed my pants, I have paper towel falling out of my bra....and those D*MN sprinklers!

List of things that are irritating me today at work today:


1.)  The sprinklers are ON at work and it’s raining outside! (…..absolutely drives me freakin’ nuts, Bill…)

2.)  I ran out of Vodka! (….sucks………nothing to put in my orange juice today….)   .....(Note to self:  Buy Vodka on my lunch-hour....)

3.)  The under-wire in my bra is jabbing me in the rib! (…I just checked and my right side is raw and bloody right now…I’m seriously thinking of taking off my bra right now…)  I’ll try stuffing paper towel under my bra and see if that works.

4.)  I sneezed and peed myself so I’m walking around with a sweater tied around my waist all day – reeking of urine! (Not the cat piss that I rub all over my body to keep the garden gnomes away, but MY urine!) I sprayed myself with the bathroom deodorizer to camouflage the pee smell…..and accidentally sprayed it in my eyes and so now my eyes are swollen, red and watering and everyone keeps asking me why I’m crying!. (…I don’t know why I sprayed it on my head to begin with …..it’s not like I peed on my face…it’s not my head that reeks of urine…helllllooooo……)


5.) Paper towel isn’t working, people…..I’m walking around all day with paper towel falling out of my blouse and now half the office thinks I’m STUFFING MY BRA! 

Is it 5 o'clock yet?    ....(...GEEZ.....)

Happy Freakin' Friday, People!

Alright……..enough already about the parasitic problems in my head……looks like they’ve taken care of themselves on their own...thank you very much, my friends.....   And I realize now that the ‘parasitic worms’ and ‘nesting tarantula hatchlings’ were just a figment of my imagination and I have to admit that they WERE NEVER REAL, and they NEVER REALLY EXISTED!   (....at least that's what I keep telling myself.....until the voices in my head start telling me otherwise..........)


Oh, and my good friend, Sherri - over at "The Mess that is my Mind" talked me into rubbing 'Cat Piss' all over my body!

Well, hey…..she told me that Cat Pee repels garden gnomes and since Sherri and I are ‘Blogging BFF’s’ and all….    (….well, Sherri doesn’t really know that we’re best friends….....BUT WE ARE..........I don't care what SHE SAYS - WE ARE, Damn it!)

....(…kinda like most of my friends don’t really know that they’re my best friends….)....

....(…they just play along with me…because they don’t want to hurt my feeling……either that or they’re scared of me…….) ...

....I’m just sayin’…….

So NOW I’m walking around smelling like Cat Piss ……..and my dog keeps trying to have sex with my leg!

              

No more Worms and Spiders...thank you very much!

I had just gotten used to the fact that I have parasitic worms living in my eyeball and my teeth gums and now my good friend, Porscha, has got me thinking about tarantulas nesting in my head!  Her exact words were in fact:   "Freaky about the swelling thing.    Sounds like some type of odd allergy - or tarantulas nesting.   I've heard of them doing that in cacti - maybe they're doing it in YOU now!"  

What the H*LL!   Now I can't stop thinking about baby tarantulas crawling around in my eye sockets and teeth gums.......  ...(...thanks, Porscha..by the way..)

And NO my good friends.....I HAVEN'T went to the 'freakin' doctor yet.......... (.......simply because if I go to the doctor and tell him that I think I have worms and spiders living in my head, he might commit me!.........)...........

  Hey....my eyes are back to normal now and my tooth gum is NOT red, puffy, throbbing  and/or inflamed ANYMORE!   So it looks like my little parasitic problems have mended on their own.......(.....with the help of Benadryl, Motrin, Prozac and Vodka ..........thank you very much, my friends...)        OR.... maybe because I may have imagined the whole worm/spider story to begin with and it's probably safe to say I never really had worms and spiders living in my head to begin with.  

But if that's the case..........(.......and I don't have worms and spiders living in my head after all.......)..... then I ask you:   "Where are the voices coming from - that talk to me in my head?" 

I think I have a parasitic worm growing in my eyeball....I'm just sayin!

The last couple of days, my RIGHT EYE has been hurting me and it’s been a little puffy….(…..NOT the eyeball itself, but the top of the eyelid….)….it’s been a little itchy and red…(…NOT the eyeball….my eyeball isn’t red AT ALL….just the eyelid and surrounding area…)


This morning I woke up to find it was swollen shut....(....well, almost swollen shut....I'm exagerating a little ...cause that's what I do.....)..……..my right top eyelid is huge and puffy and it looks like:  1.) I either got punched in the face (more specifically – in the eye) OR 2.) that I’ve got a severe case of ‘elephantiasis’.     It’s not a pretty picture, people…..(….just so you know!…)    It’s not crusty and there is no seepage…..and since the morning, the swelling has went down, and I can actually see now, but my right eyelid hurts…(…like a straining hurt - whenever I look at something or move my eyeball to look at something…which sucks….cause I usually look at stuff …with my eye….you know....on a daily basis...)   I’m pretty sure it’s not a Sty….and I’m pretty sure it’s not ‘pinkeye’……….so I taped a tissue over my bad eye and put my glasses on so that no one would notice at work, but that didn’t work out to good from me, since everyone kept asking me what the H*LL was goin’ on with my eye and why the ‘Freak’ was I wearing an eye patch. I eventually took the tissue out and so now I’m walking around with one eye all made up all pretty with eye shadow and mascara while my right eye is red, bulging, swollen and nasty looking…….(…I pretty much scared the UPS man, when he came in for a delivery today…..he did a double take…. …and then refused to look me in the eye…..you know…….THE NASTY SWOLLEN EYE that I have going on right now….)

I’ve been using my eye drops and NO – I haven’t went to the doctor yet, but will probably go in the morning since I’m grossing everyone out with my nasty eye and all……. I figure I’ve either A.) got an allergic reaction going on with something…….B.) got a infection in a tear gland OR C.) got some parasitic worm living in my eyeball.

No worries........and I’ll be sure to keep you posted on my eye situation.........

Letters from Jenny.........Beauty Sleep, Hybrid Panther Cats and I look like "Monkey Butt"!

OK, girlfriends….it was great spending time with you guys, I’ll give you that!  But I seriously can’t believe that I looked at the clock last night and it was almost 2AM……guess it was a good thing I went to bed when I did.   NOTE: 5:30AM came way too early this morning!   …………(just thought I’d let you know - since you two bitches were still in bed when I left the house, because neither of YOU TWO had to work today......)     I did happen to hit snooze for about 40 minutes before I actually got out of bed this morning…………..… but that was after your stupid cat (who I still believe isn’t really a cat at all, but a ‘miniature hybrid panther’ judging from the size of the animal.............) …...decided to cough up hairballs for ½ hour outside my bedroom door at 4AM.  (.......it took me everything I had to not light the freakin' thing on fire.........I'm just sayin'..........) So after hitting the snooze button for 40 minutes, I finally jumped out of bed and realized I had about 5 minutes to get ready for work.  I tripped over your pet panther on my way to the bathroom (about putting my eye out and dislocating my knee.)  I did appreciate your hospitality of leaving the kitchen light on so I would be able to see while I was getting around this morning.  I made it to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, applied deodorant, threw on my clothes and headed out of the bathroom only to find someone had gotten up in the 3 1/2 minutes that it took me to get ready in the bathroom to shut ALL the freakin’ lights off in the house.  “WTF?” Are you kidding me?  Were you people just trying to “F*CK” with me?  Were you behind your bedroom doors covering your mouths to stifle your laughs while I tripped over the ‘pet panther cat’ and cussed while trying to find my way around your house with my arms outstretched in the pitch dark like a blind woman who had lost her cane?   Evidently no one in your house has ever heard of a little invention called a ‘NIGHT LIGHT’.    I did decide to use my cell phone screen as a make-shift flashlight, I  made it outside to my car, which you so graciously let me park in your garage, (......but you did forget to tell me where the freakin’ door opener was………thank you very much - friend.....) spent the next 5 minutes searching the walls of the garage for the garage door opener, which ended up being INSIDE your house door (who the freak puts the garage door button INSIDE the house)  Nobody…….heellloooooooo!     Once my car was out of your garage, picture me spending the next 7 minutes attempting to close the garage door by pushing the button and running to try to make it under the door before it closed….(.......yeah...close your eyes....see it in your mind, will you.......)........well, it didn’t work…......some idiot decided to put a little feature in THIS garage door that prevents it from closing when I run under it............GENIOUS, I TELL YOU............I pretty much thought I'd pass out from all that running back and forth......…at this point let the damn garage door come down and crush me...........I already have a bum eye and limp from falling over the pather, remember?  (Oh and my car thermometer registered a whopping 2 degrees outside this morning friends...good thing I was working up a sweat running back and forth under the damn garage door)   …….That's when I realized I didn’t put my car in park as I watched it begin to roll down your driveway.   OMG…….ARE YOU KIDDING ME!   Sorry, closing the garage door just didn’t seem too important to me right then……..”In fact – SCREW THE GARAGE DOOR………Now picture me running down the driveway toward my car........good thing I'm up to date with my 'Chuck Norris moves 'making it easier for me to slip inside and hit the brakes before my car backed down into the ditch.   (It's actually a miracle that I didn’t kill myself this morning, now that I think about it)  I have a headache right now and I about fell asleep on my way to work…….. I kept slapping myself across the face and hanging my arm out the window to keep me awake for the 1 ½ hour drive.  And for future reference – you should know that I require a minimum of 7 hours of beauty sleep to maintain my fabulous hot-ness on a daily basis!.......  So make a note!  (3 hours of sleep just doesn’t cut it anymore!)  I just looked in the mirror and I look like 'MONKEY ASS' today!  I have absolutely no makeup on, I forgot to comb my hair and I just noticed my shirt was on inside out!  And something stinks .............and I can't be sure, but it might be me!  (It's another miracle that they allow me to work here looking like this!)  Oh yeah…..and did I mention on my 1 1/2 hour drive to work this morning that I was about ready to stab a fork in the eyeball of the guy who decided to tailgate me for a 40 mile stretch of highway (with his ‘High Beams’ on………thank you very much, Jack-ass)  ….because apparently 60 miles an hour isn’t fast enough to drive at 6AM in the morning ………. pitch dark outside, trying to dodge deer and all the other objects that were in my vision due to my night blindness, and on top of that it was snowing SIDEWAYS outside, you moron!    Anyway.......Love you Kelly and Mary!  How was your freakin' morning? 

Where's the 'Freakin' Wine? .....and I think I have a concussion!

Wanna know how my weekend went? .....(well I'm gonna tell you regardless......I mean.....whether you really want to hear about it or not).......(after all......this Blog is ALL ABOUT ME,  remember?)

Thursday night:  Put up the Christmas tree.....(all by myself)......wrapped all of the presents and put them under the tree.

Friday night:   Decorated the Christmas Tree.....(all by myself).............climbed on a chair to put the Star on the top of the tree, the ceiling fan hit me in the head, knocked me off the chair and I fell to the floor....almost taking the tree with me.....(I think I was unconscious for a few minutes).........and I'm pretty sure I dislocated my elbow.....and if I'm remembering it correctly, I had no feeling in the left side of my body for a good 3 minutes after I fell.......altho my memories a little fuzzy right now.............but I do remember seeing stars and little birds dancing around in my head and hearing ringing in my ears..............yeah........pretty sure I have a concussion.......I'm just sayin'......

Saturday:  Spent all morning looking for my bottle of wine....then I remembered I drank the entire bottle Friday night............(...yup....there's the empty bottle in the garbage and my dirty wine glass in the sink............silly me........)......... Spent the day 're-wrapping' all of the presents under the tree because my dog decided to piss all over them..........(if your present smells like DOG PISS.......DEAL WITH IT!)...............OH,  and I'm pretty sure that I ate an entire roll of 'chocolate chip cookie dough' and an entire bag of peanut M&M's all by myself.........I couldn't remember if I took some Tylenol, so I took 3 more...... I drank another bottle of wine........accidentally locked my dog in the closet.........

Sunday:  Painted my fingernails and then heard a loud crash from the other room.........(scared the 'freakin SH*T' out of me........just so you know......)...........dog started barking..........I grabbed a butcher knife and a baseball bat and headed to the other room..........where I found the Christmas tree laying across my dining room floor.....pine needles .....water ........broken ornaments EVERYWHERE.......spent the next 2 hours cleaning up pine needles and water and broken ornaments..............couldn't find the stinking string.......... or a hammer.......so I used binder twine and a brick to pound the nails in my wall that I needed to secure the tree back up .....around the branches and  to the wall....(looks really 'freakin' lovely...just so you know......).........hung some ornaments from the binder twine to make it look prettier.......(.....don't think it worked..................at this point.....who cares.......).......decided to forget the wine - I need Vodka........I'm out of Tonic - so I'm drinking it straight out of the bottle  (..........hey.......don't judge me!)......repainted my fingernails since they were not dry at the time of the 'Christmas tree disaster' .................my fingernails look like SH*T..........
                            ..............now I'm watching 'Fargo' on TV and plucking my eyebrows.....

How was your 'Freakin' weekend? 

Yes, I KNOW I have a moustache......but thank you very much for pointing it out to me!

One of the technicians at our office .....a co-worker.....of the male persuasion, mind you.......thought it would be a good idea to inform me that I was sporting a moustache today......YES, A MOUSTACHE.....(...and no, I'm not making this SHIT up, people.....like I wanna go around having conversations with you  about how I have black hair growing under my nose......)    (.....and just so you know.....if you look close enough, you'll probably find some hair growing OUT OF MY NOSTRILS, TOO....SO THERE....... )     Although, why him telling me that I have black hair on my upper lip should cause such a reaction in myself is beyond me........... ISN'T IT I - who doesn't have a problem with telling all of you how I have 'little black hairs growing out of my nipples'........well, one should expect that IF I HAVE hair on my nipples, I'd also be sportin' a moustache, as well!    But that's beside the point!  We're not talking about the hair growing in inappropriate places on my body..............we're here to talk about PEOPLE WHO TELL ME I have hair growing in inappropriate places! (....like I don't know that already....helllooooooo.....)

So of course all day long people were staring at my upper lip, (in my own little twisted mind, anyway), and it was all I could do to look them in the face and NOT poke them in the eyes with my finger! 

Like I'm the only woman to ever sport a 'stach.............so I forgot to bleach it one day - sue me!   OR God Forbid that I would neglect to shave my upper lip for a day or two......     GOSH.......(....now I've gotten myself all worked up again....)

LORD, IT SUCKS GETTING OLD!

My 'Biker Babe' Friend.....I've got an ITCH.....AND I'm Voting for Pedro!

Just some random things today............

1.) This morning I grabbed my deodorant and sprayed my entire head……before I realized it wasn’t my hairspray!

2.) I’ve decided that when the next presidential election comes around………..I’m voting for Pedro!

3.) OM'freakin' Gosh....I can't quit itching today............my neck itches, my arms itch, my butt itches, my back itches, my calves itch......even my fingers itch!  It's driving me crazy....I'm either allergic to something or I got bugs!  I've been itching all day, and now I have red welts all over my body (.....and yes, I did shower this morning, people!)

4.) I love getting drunk and THEN looking in the mirror……cause I LOOK AWESOME when I drink!

5.) Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a VAMPIRE……. (just so you know……..)


6.) A friend of mine ...........let's call her Chris.....( 'cause that's her name )  ....well she's a 'Biker Babe' now - 'cause she and her husband got a 'Harley' and they go ridin', out on the open rode (that's Biker talk, in case you don't know the lingo)     Well, she got chaps.........and this is how it went down:

Chris:  "Hey Jenny, I went shopping and bought myself a pair of Chaps."

Me:  "What the Freak do YOU need 'Chaps' for?"

Chris:  "For bike riding....when me and Chris (that's her husbands name, too, I know.......confusing....) go bike riding, I need leathers (that's biker lingo for coats and chaps and leather stuff)...so I bought a leather coat and some chaps."

Me:  "Are they butt-less chaps?" (...I'm thinking....cool...)

Chris: "Jenny, ALL chaps are butt-less!"  (...she laughs as if I'm stupid...)

Me:  "OH MY Gosh.....you're gonna wear butt-less chaps out on the bike with Chris?  No, way!"   (...now I'm thinking......awesome wicked cool...)

Chris:  "Jenny.....I'm gonna wear jeans under them, for crying out loud!"  (....she's laughing and looking at me as if I'm an idiot...)

Me:  "OH" ......"Boring!" (...for a split second there - I thought she may have been the most coolest girl I know....)   (...shoulda' known better......I'm actually the coolest girl I know.....helllooooooo....)
 (photo courtesy of the internet)

Random things and thoughts today!

First of all...............I ate a leftover 'chicken thigh' from Kentucky Fried Chicken and 4 donuts on the way to work this morning.......................(YES............if you're just tuning in.................I'm a hog!)

I've decided my life is SO much better when I have a 'Tan'!

Each day, when I get home from work, I normally go put on an old T-shirt, a pair of sweats, my eyeglasses and put my hair up in a bun or a messy pony-tail...............Hairyman ALWAYS tells me how attractive I'm looking................(I think he's being sarcastic!)

OH...............and I've also decided that I'm not wearing 'thong' underwear anymore.............. if you MUST know.........it CHAFES me!   The other day I had a pair on and they got caught on the bracelet that I was wearing and I got a huge wedgie......... and I'm talking "MEGA - Wedge" girlfriends..........I was chafed, swollen up and bleeding from between my buttocks............not a good picture  - just so you know.  So I'm back to the 'big girl panties', now! 

Hairyman and I are going Golfing this weekend with a bunch of friends..........(my girlfriend, Porscha, knows that I don't golf, but invites me anyway.........she says I can go be 'Eye Candy' on the course......................what a nice friend!).......................I mean, NOT that I'LL be doing any golfing, mind you.....................I'm simply going because I like dressing up in my cute little golf outfit, driving around in the cart,  and drinking cocktails all day, while everyone else golfs!     

OH....................and I THINK I was a stripper in a past life!

'Happy Labor Day' everyone!  Hope you all have a fun and safe weekend!

"Are You Addicted?"

I found a new friend (I love new friends) while chit-chating on 'BlogFrog'.......her name is Alexes and she's over at 'One Cluttered Brain'....you'll have to go check her out at http://oneclutteredbrain.blogspot.com/.  She's really funny (not as funny as me, of course, but hey.....I'm just sayin'......)  Just kidding....she's REALLY one funny lady!  She's my newest blog friend....I figure we'll be 'BBF's' one day (she really doesn't know it yet, but I'm sure we will.)  HA!

.....anyway.....I was visiting her community (on blog frog) and she was asking a question: "What are your daily addictions?" ..............well, 'Holy Freak', SHE has a LOT of additions.........(and I told her so)..........and I shared mine, too!  And I told her I was gonna write a post about her 'addiction question'...............(and see.........I really did!)  .........SO....what am I addicited to, you ask?

"Let's see....1.) Energy Drinks.........specifically 'Red Bull' (sugar free) (even better with a touch of Vodka)


2.) I'm not only addicted to Facebook, but those D_MN Facebook games.....(Heaven help me if I don't 'harvest' a freakin' crop on time!)


3.) Blogging (.......well, duh.....................helllloooooo!)


4.) I also am addicted to 'clean underwear'....I change my undies about 3 times a day, as a matter of fact.........(It may have something to do with me peeing my pants all the time)............yeah, I have issues, people!


And quite recently I've become addicted to 5.) Ranch flavored sunflower seeds (..................in fact my tongue is raw from sucking all the salt off them, then trying to open the little suckers up to find the little treasure hiding inside!)


What are you addicted to?

Where's my 'FREAKIN' Banana?

This morning I grabbed a banana to eat on the way to work and half way to work  - it went MISSING!  (YES, when I reached into the passenger seat to grab it - IT WAS GONE!)

So .....I spent the next 10-15  minutes looking all over my 'freakin' car for the blasted banana and it's a miracle I made it to work in one piece, what with me swerving all over the road and all............(evidentally my 'Super Human Hunting Skills' weren't working this morning at 7AM, Damnit!)

So I'm sitting here at work ............. hungry for my stinkin' banana.....(............yeah........ while I'm supposed to be working, I know)............. (hey DON'T judge me!) ..........trying to figure out what could have happened to the infamous 'Breakfast Banana':

1) Maybe I left it on the counter in the house and forgot to even bring it in the car with me in the first place.

2) OR....Maybe I dropped it in the garage on my way to the car.

3) OR....It may have fallen under my seat in my car while I was driving and wasn't looking ...(so if sooner or later my car suddenly get this strange infestation of fruit flies ..........well, I'm just saying)  Altho, what smells better in my car?  Rotten Banana or Dirty Ass..............you tell me!

Actually .....maybe I tossed it ON MY 'drivers side car seat' before I sat down, and then, without looking, SAT ON IT!   (...altho wouldn't I know if I had a banana lodged in my butt-crack!?)    

OR 4) Maybe I'm an idiot and I DID EAT IT on the way to work after all, and I just don't remember eating it……..but then ............I really don’t ever remember rolling down my window and throwing the banana peel out the window into the ditch, which is what I normally do with my banana peels and apple cores    (hey, they're biodegradable and the animals eat them, don't they?)    (banana peels and apple cores out the window isn't littering is it?  'Cause I am so NOT INTO littering, my friends............and if it IS considered littering, I would have to re-think my 'peels and cores' out the window routine!)

.....................Well........a few hours have passed, and I still can't figure out where my DAMN BANANA is.............

............SO........... let me know if ANYONE FINDS IT, will you?! 

Something Stinks....and I hope to God it Ain't Me!

Yesterday morning,  while at work, sitting in my little cubicle and working hard (what with me being the most efficient-multi-tasking employee that I am) ......... when all of a sudden I noticed a 'RANK' kind of smell in my office (specifically around my desk, by the way)..........sorta smelled like 'POOP' actually!     I'm thinking maybe a dog or a cat 'left a load' under or around my desk...........(what a dog or cat would be doin' poopin' under my desk is beyond me...but I'm just sayin' )  So here I am looking all over the floor for poop logs or diarrhea piles or something.......  and guess what?  yeah.....I can't find a thing! 


Well, then I got to thinking.........MAYBE IT'S ME!  Maybe I'M the one that smells like POOP!     Maybe I stepped in dog poop on the way into the office this morning..........or maybe I didn't wipe my butt good enough this morning (which COULDN'T be the case - what with me using about a half a roll of toilet paper each time I wipe...)........or ...well, you know how I have this little incontinence problem?   Well, maybe I have an 'anal leakage' problem too, that I didn't know about..........maybe that's what I smell.......maybe it's me!  

So I spent the next 10 minutes trying to maneuver my head down to my butt area, to try to get a whiff of myself....... (which is a hard thing to do.....I mean........have YOU ever tried to smell your own butt...........well, it's not easy........go ahead and YOU give it a try......)   I'm not very LIMBER........and I think I pulled a muscle in my back trying to smell my own butt...................
........but then I get to thinking (again)........ Wouldn't I KNOW it if I accidentally pooped myself?    Wouldn't I know IF I HAVE an 'anal leakage' problem........I mean.......that's one problem that wouldn't go un-noticed...right?

Well.......I DON'T have an anal leakage problem (just so you know)...........AND....... I still CAN'T find the source of the 'Stank' in the office...........SO....... it still smells like 'DIRTY ASS' around my desk........and everybody who walks by, thinks I've farted!........or crapped my pants!       I'm just saying!
Photo courtesy of the internet

I Don't Feel Too Good........

This week at work I’m in charge of sending letters to some of our current customers. So, needless to say – I’ll be mail merging, folding letters, stuffing and ‘LICKING’ envelopes all week. (Yes – I prefer to lick the 1500 letters that need to be mailed opposed to using the little water sponges or ‘licker devises’ that technology has come up with)….……..it tends to go faster just using my tongue and my own saliva………..AND YES…I know, I know…….…I’m well aware of the URBAN LEGENDS that speak of dead rats at the bottom of the glue barrel in the factories………and the fact that the factories use whatever water is handy to thin out the glue, which would include old mop water and human urine………(are you kidding me) …….…and how a woman cut her tongue on an envelope that was infested with roach eggs and days later her tongue became swollen and started to shake and later exploded due to the baby roaches hatching in her tongue………………(simply impossible – by the way)…….

The fact that the glue is starting to make me SICK is what’s really bothering me…..I’m not feeling too good right now………..starting to feel faint and dizzy - due to the 800 envelopes that I’ve licked so far…….hopefully I don’t die from glue poisoning like Susan, George's fiancé, did on that episode of Seinfeld. (Susan, George’s fiancé died from cheap envelope glue after George buys cheap wedding invitations.)

I'll keep you posted if I live thru all this envelope licking business.................

(Pholo courtesy of Seinfeld - Learn from George's fiancee: never buy the cheap envelopes.)

My name is Jenny........and I'm a Dreamer!

I’m a ‘Dreamer’…………….NOoooooo……..not one of those “dazed eyed” – “high on something” – “spaced out druggies”………………… but I seriously DREAM EVERY NIGHT…………. (or I have a nightmare EVERY NIGHT!) And I wake up EVERY morning and remember the details of the dream.

“HairyMan” (my husband, Rob)…….(that’s what I’m gonna start calling him from now on)…………he says he NEVER dreams ……………..he wakes up every morning and he can’t recall having dreamed anything………”what the hell’s up with that?” ...........................I can’t even imagine not remembering what I dreamt the night before! ........................Boorrrriiinnnngggg!!!!!

1.) I’ve had nightmares and dreams ever since I was little – and I’ve had the same dream or nightmare multiple times.

2.) If I wake up during the night in the middle of one of my dreams/nightmares, 9 times out of 10, I usually fall back asleep right where I left off ………. as if I've never awoken!

Get this.........................they say that if a person dreams (nightmare) something more than once, it will COME TRUE! …………………"I HOPE TO GOD - NOT!" ……………………..otherwise, I’m either going to 1.) be slaughtered by a maniacal killer, 2.) tore apart by an abominable snowman, 3.) live in a frickin' scary haunted house for the rest of my life or 4.) chased to death by a rabid tiger!........................hellllooooooooo………………do you guys know how many times a month I dream of shit like this…………and more than once – let me tell you………………

On the other hand, if my dreams DO come true……………… that is if I dream them more than one time…………………… I’m seriously LOOKING FORWARD to 1.) going back to junior high and finding a million dollars in Kelly Presson’s swimming pool , 2.) hanging out on a beach with Charlie and Allen (from 2 and a half men) in my string bikini and looking ‘HOT’, 3.) inheriting numerous amount of antiques from my dead aunt ……….and 4.) I'm thoroughly going to enjoy the ‘foursome’ that I’m gonna have with the ‘Backstreet Boys’

Apparently – I have ISSUES! ……………………you think?!
Photo courtesy of the internet

OMGOSH! I married Chewbacca!

OK, here it is girls……………………I am married to a man whose friends call him Chewbacca. (I’m so proud!) There is no lying about it…….the mans got hair! And lots of it! I've married a hairy ape, so it seems!

And I admit that I’m forgetful, but I don’t really remember him having all this hair when I married him………….what’s up with that! It’s like sleeping with a big furry beast…………..I mean, where’d all the hair come from? He's got hair coming out of everywhere..................(Like I should talk………….I’m the one who’s got whiskers growing out of my chin and hair growing out of my nipples, remember?)

He tells me that all this hair is coming from the medication that he takes for his allergies. (And he didn’t have allergies when I married him…..but that’s another post, altogether!)

It seems that in the last 4 years, he’s developed black, hairy patches on his back in certain places……..not all over...................... just patches in areas of his upper and lower back! And I mean BIG hairy patches! HHEELLLLOOOOOO……………..Yuck, already!



(Actually, it doesn’t bother me TOO much, because I love him, right?).....................but I do make a point to laugh at him on occasion!

We actually went to a pool party last summer and he shaved his chest to look like the scene from ’40 year old virgin’ getting his chest waxed! Hilarious!



And what’s up with the hair all over his butt! (TMI!) (I really didn’t see that comin’ after all these years………..) Well, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, right? …………………a little shaving here ……a little shaving there and “SHA-BAM”………problem gone!

I mean really………….what’s the difference from me shaving my armpits, legs and doing some touching up in my……………… well……..you know! (Again: TMI!)

After I shave his back and butt for him, he’s good as new, right? No one is the wiser! …………….

(Accept, now I’ve broadcasted his little hairy problem all over my blog for the whole world to know! Oops!)


Well you know me………. I have this nasty habit of talking too much!

He’s gonna kill me! (And THAT'S where those sexual favors come in, ladies!) wink - wink
Photo - Universal Pictures, Steve Carell in "40 year old virgin"