Stomach Flu, more Tattoo's and the Catalina Wine Mixer.....BOOM!

Things I'm pondering today........

Well it's been a few months and I haven't went into labor - so evidently I can't blame the fact that I'm a 'fat hog' on ME being pregnant anymore.....well - not unless I'm having a 15 month pregnancy or something like that. ...(....hmmmm.....)....(....you remember how I thought I was like one of those woman on TV who is pregnant and doesn't know it and THAT must be the reason of all my weight gain these days because it couldn't possibly be the fact that I binge-eat and drink Vodka all day long............and one of these days I was gonna sit on the toilet and have a baby.......and wa-la......I'd be thin again...) 
AND...
........since I'm not really into dieting these days ...(....mainly because I'm lazy and I like to eat....and I drink Vodka all day long..)....... I'm just hoping that I come down with some kind of stomach sickness in the next couple of weeks and that will jump-start my weight-loss paln!

Does anyone know how to get tickets to the "Catalina Wine Mixer?'  "BOOM!"    (Text me......)

I’ve decided that I’m getting a tattoo this summer that says ‘All About Me’ on my butt!  (….right next to the ‘Red Lips’ that I’m dedicating to my friend, Judi…..)  Hairyman says no more tattoos……..so I’ll have to put them on my rear-end so no-one can see them!   ...(.....I’d put the tattoos on my boobs, but every now and then I like to ‘flash’ random men my boobies ...)...……..and we certainly wouldn’t want them to see my tattoos now would I?    .......(..NOTE:  Just in case you didn't know............If you have NEVER seen my boobs.......'They Are Spectacular'.....they look almost as fantastic as my Ass does in my 'Butt-less Chaps'.................
...........I'm just sayin'.................)                                                 

Things I've been pondering the last few weeks:

1.) I’m FAT! I just got the pictures back from my sons wedding and I look like a HOG! I have no neck……really ‘NO NECK” (…you think I’m joking..) …….. I look like a linebacker…………..it’s gross!

2.) And with all this talk about me being Fat and all.........I’ve decided that I really don’t care for skinny people anymore - I think they're 'shifty'....being all thin and lookin' all hot and sexy in there skinny bodies and all......…GO EAT A SANDWICH - YOU BEOTCHES!   Skinny women can’t be trusted! Just ask yourself – why ARE they so skinny?   Is it because they’ve discovered a 'miracle skinny pill' that keeps them in their young-toned-sexy-bodies?   Well I think they have……….and I wanna know why the FREAK aren’t they sharing it with me? The bitches!  I hate em’……..

3.) I’ve decided I’m lazy…...(…I’m just gonna throw this out there…but maybe me being lazy has something to do with me being fat……I’m just sayin’….)  Lately all I wanna do is sit at my computer and drink, blog, pin, drink, eat…drink…. (…hmmm……I’m starting to see a pattern here…….)

4.) I really like ‘Vodka’ ….like I like it A LOT…..I’m not joking….. in fact - I wish I could drink it every day………It makes me HAPPY……and things seem a lot more FUN when I’m drinking Vodka……oh, and….I don’t look as Fat when I’m drinking Vodka……….and Hairyman says it makes me a lot easier to live with…..(…well, he says that and my Prozac, that is…..)

Pretending I'm a Vampire....oh, and Poop!

I'm gonna make this short..............just wanted you to know what I've been thinking about today:

Last night while I was busy walking around my house - pretending that I was a Vampire..........I heard a knock on the door. Somehow I had CONVINCED MYSELF that the man at the door was a ‘Vampire Slayer’ (….yeah, I get paranoid like that when I get in character…….) I never DID answer the door….(….just so you know….)…….I just stood there - inside the door, carefully hidden - with my 'nunchucks' in hand - peaking outside from behind the window curtain - so that I could keep track of his where-a-bouts ...(....I was afraid he may sneak aournd back and come in for a surpise attack ...)..... I can’t be sure, but I think he ended up being a Jehovah Witness because there was an ‘I Love Jesus!’ pamphlet in the door this morning.




I ate an entire ‘block’ of Colby-Jack Cheese for my lunch today.



Am I the only one – that every time I take a poop – I feel like I need to take a shower? ……(………..hellloooooo……..is doesn’t matter how many toilet paper squares or wet wipes I use……..I just don’t feel like I’ve cleaned myself good enough………) .......(..I'm just sayin'.....)....

My 'Biker Babe' Friend.....I've got an ITCH.....AND I'm Voting for Pedro!

Just some random things today............

1.) This morning I grabbed my deodorant and sprayed my entire head……before I realized it wasn’t my hairspray!

2.) I’ve decided that when the next presidential election comes around………..I’m voting for Pedro!

3.) OM'freakin' Gosh....I can't quit itching today............my neck itches, my arms itch, my butt itches, my back itches, my calves itch......even my fingers itch!  It's driving me crazy....I'm either allergic to something or I got bugs!  I've been itching all day, and now I have red welts all over my body (.....and yes, I did shower this morning, people!)

4.) I love getting drunk and THEN looking in the mirror……cause I LOOK AWESOME when I drink!

5.) Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a VAMPIRE……. (just so you know……..)


6.) A friend of mine ...........let's call her Chris.....( 'cause that's her name )  ....well she's a 'Biker Babe' now - 'cause she and her husband got a 'Harley' and they go ridin', out on the open rode (that's Biker talk, in case you don't know the lingo)     Well, she got chaps.........and this is how it went down:

Chris:  "Hey Jenny, I went shopping and bought myself a pair of Chaps."

Me:  "What the Freak do YOU need 'Chaps' for?"

Chris:  "For bike riding....when me and Chris (that's her husbands name, too, I know.......confusing....) go bike riding, I need leathers (that's biker lingo for coats and chaps and leather stuff)...so I bought a leather coat and some chaps."

Me:  "Are they butt-less chaps?" (...I'm thinking....cool...)

Chris: "Jenny, ALL chaps are butt-less!"  (...she laughs as if I'm stupid...)

Me:  "OH MY Gosh.....you're gonna wear butt-less chaps out on the bike with Chris?  No, way!"   (...now I'm thinking......awesome wicked cool...)

Chris:  "Jenny.....I'm gonna wear jeans under them, for crying out loud!"  (....she's laughing and looking at me as if I'm an idiot...)

Me:  "OH" ......"Boring!" (...for a split second there - I thought she may have been the most coolest girl I know....)   (...shoulda' known better......I'm actually the coolest girl I know.....helllooooooo....)
 (photo courtesy of the internet)

Am I THAT Fat.......that you couldn't 'Freakin' weigh me!

An interesting thing happened to me at the doctors office this week......and it's got me thinking maybe I'm fatter than I think I am!  

Here's the question.............When was the last time that you went in for a check-up and they DIDN'T weigh you?  Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it just common knowledge that you ALWAYS have to get weighed in (.......kinda like a prize cow at the fair......)...every time you go to the doctor?     .........well....guess what?     This time it didn't happen!  ......and I'm completely dumbfounded!

They didn't weigh me!  (What the 'Freak' is up with that?) This is seriously the FIRST time in my LIFE, that the nurse or doctor didn't make me take of my shoes and step up on the scales.....

Were they in a hurry?

Did they just forget?

Or did the 'Doc' just take one look at me and figure.......What's the point?  She's a heffer!   (....now that I think about it, he did spend a lot of time talking to me about eating healthy and exercising......)  and he did bring up the fact that I've continually gained weight every year that I've been in...............

......hhhmmmmmm......

....hold on a minute, I'm gonna go take my clothes off and look in the mirror......

....(hold that thought)

......

........

................OK, yeah definately, it's official.........I'm a Hog!

.......so......did your doctor weigh YOU at your last appointment?  (Or am I the only "Fat-Ass" around here?)
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

Who's been sitting in my airplane seat? I don't even want to know........

I was just sittin' here thinking....................

Next time you fly in an airplane ....................while your sitting in your seat.........why don't you think about how many disgusting people have sat in the same exact seat before you...........

..........................like the man who was sick and keeps spewing his germs all over the seat table in front of you each time he sneezes...................or the young man who recently peed his pants and didn't have time to change them before boarding this flight.............................or the little kid who picked his nose and wiped it on the seat during the entire flight.........................or the woman who had diarrhea and didn't quite make it to the restroom in time.......................or the lady who tried to change her babies dirty diaper in the seat and while the babies diaper was off - the baby peed all over ................or the old man who sat in the seat before you who hadn't washed his hair in 3 weeks .......(.........and don't get me started on all the people who have sat in your chair who may have had LICE..............hellloooooo......).........or the little girl who got motion sickness during the flight and threw up all over the seat table that was down at the time..............................OK........how do you feel now?

I guarantee, next time you fly - you'll think of me!            

Seriously...........I'm totally grossed out right now..........

I Love Fridays!

I Love Fridays!

You should know by now (if you've been paying

attention to my posts)...that Fridays

are my favorite day of the week ...

.....but THIS Friday is especially Good!

Good Friday through Easter mark the most important 3 days for a Christian.

It is at this time that we remember the crucifixion,

the sacrificial death, and the burial of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,

and we celebrate His resurrection on Sunday.

Normally my post are meant to be funny....
But TODAY.......I'm wishing you peace....

.....and No, I don't go to Church every Sunday, but I 'DO' believe in God and I try to do

what's right by him........ Sometimes I get caught up

in my life and forget to pray

and forget to put God first..........But I 'DO'

Thank God EVERY DAY for the blessings that

he has given me!

I'm hoping you all have a wonderful weekend of

remembering what Easter is all about!

Photo courtesy of the Internet

I have Maggots in my Mouth and NO - I didn't sleep with Tiger!

Random little things I need to get off my chest today……



WHAT - THE - FREAK - is up with my DREAMS lately? ................................here I am - just about ready to kiss 'Dwayne' ................you know?..........my boyfriend?............The Rock?............Dwayne Johnson?................just about to kiss Dwayne ........(........cause' you know how he's HOT for me and wants me in a BAD way)...........well......... we're about to have a major 'make-out' session (in my dream)......(which would probably involve 'French Kissing' and other GOOD stuff............)..............(Dwayne and me)...........and MAGGOTS and WORMS start falling out of my NOSE and MOUTH ..........helllooooooo................................. (well I'm certainly NOT going to kiss him NOW)........................ DAMMIT!……………(what a waste of a good dream).............…who dreams this kind of SH_T?............................ apparently, I have issues!

AND..........While other bloggers think it’s absolutely necessary to post EVERY day ............I am simply NOT one of them! ………I CAN’T do it! ……….. So don’t expect it! …………….…………just deal with it!

AND..........can someone please tell 'Lady Gaga' to put some D_MN clothes on.................

AND..............Is it just me?........................can someone explain to me HOW THE FREAK did 'Taylor Hicks' WIN the fifth season of American Idol? (.................so he can play the harmonica and clap his hands............)...........................What the Hell!?...........................



AND.........................I ABSOLUTELY HATE being on my PERIOD right now! …………….walking around all day with a ‘Canoe’ between my legs and/ or a ‘Popsicle’ up my “WHO-HA”…. SUCKS! (.........need I say more?......................)



AND......................................... I DIDN'T sleep with Tiger!

Photo of "THE ROCK" taken from the internet.

Thought of the Day..............