I Binged, I peed my pants and have I told you how pathetic I am?

The following is an email that I sent to my friend Heather today:

 

I am such a loser........I just took a lunch and I binged again!      I could punch myself right in the face!    I ate a BBQ chicken sandwich and 3 onion wraps from the gas station, then I went to McDonalds and ate 4 chicken McNuggets and 1 McDonald Angus Mushroom and Swiss Wrap.    Now I feel miserable!  ....and I had to unbutton my pants....so now I'm sitting here at work with my pants undone and that's not the half of it..........

.......I tried to make myself sick when I got back to work but that didn't work.........while I had a finger down my throat.....bent over the toilet....dry-heaving -  I pissed myself!    So now I not only feel like a HOG - I smell like urine!             ......yes, I know I have issues, people!

Stomach Flu, more Tattoo's and the Catalina Wine Mixer.....BOOM!

Things I'm pondering today........

Well it's been a few months and I haven't went into labor - so evidently I can't blame the fact that I'm a 'fat hog' on ME being pregnant anymore.....well - not unless I'm having a 15 month pregnancy or something like that. ...(....hmmmm.....)....(....you remember how I thought I was like one of those woman on TV who is pregnant and doesn't know it and THAT must be the reason of all my weight gain these days because it couldn't possibly be the fact that I binge-eat and drink Vodka all day long............and one of these days I was gonna sit on the toilet and have a baby.......and wa-la......I'd be thin again...) 
AND...
........since I'm not really into dieting these days ...(....mainly because I'm lazy and I like to eat....and I drink Vodka all day long..)....... I'm just hoping that I come down with some kind of stomach sickness in the next couple of weeks and that will jump-start my weight-loss paln!

Does anyone know how to get tickets to the "Catalina Wine Mixer?'  "BOOM!"    (Text me......)

I’ve decided that I’m getting a tattoo this summer that says ‘All About Me’ on my butt!  (….right next to the ‘Red Lips’ that I’m dedicating to my friend, Judi…..)  Hairyman says no more tattoos……..so I’ll have to put them on my rear-end so no-one can see them!   ...(.....I’d put the tattoos on my boobs, but every now and then I like to ‘flash’ random men my boobies ...)...……..and we certainly wouldn’t want them to see my tattoos now would I?    .......(..NOTE:  Just in case you didn't know............If you have NEVER seen my boobs.......'They Are Spectacular'.....they look almost as fantastic as my Ass does in my 'Butt-less Chaps'.................
...........I'm just sayin'.................)                                                 

Today's my birthday, I 'drunk dialed' my Boss, and 'Robo-Cop' doesn't understand why I keep peanut butter in my glove compartment....

1.) Today is my birthday!   Normally I'd be telling you all to go out and buy me presents and tell me how 'fabulous' and 'young' I look for my age....................but then I thought about it..............and that's shit you should be doing for me and telling me on a daily basis anyway..........not just on my birthday, people!  (What is wrong with you guys, anyway?)

2.)  I woke up this weekend (Sunday morning - to be exact) and asked HairyMan if it was a dream or did I really get drunk last night and 'drunk dial' my boss?!  (To which HairyMan replied: "NO, Hun....it wasn't a dream, you REALLY DID 'drunk text' your boss!")

3.) I've decided that I'm gonna go out and buy a garden gnome, tie it to a tree and let my dog pee on it daily!

4.) My friend Chris brought a cake to work today in honor of my birthday........and by 11:00am, I had already eaten half of it!  

5.) You all know how I keep peanut butter in the glove compartment of my car?  Well, try explaining that to a cop, when he asks you what's in the Peanut Butter Jar that he thinks I'm hiding in the glove compartment.............
Robo Cop:  'Ma'ma, what's in the peanut butter jar, ma'ma?"  
ME: (.....with a stupid look on my face.....staring at him in silence for a moment.....like he's some kind of idiot for asking....)  "Seriously?     .....uh........hellllloooo...........peanut butter!" (...and I say it like it's something everybody normally has in the glove compartment....) 
Robo Cop: "Ma'ma, why do you have peanut butter in your glove compartment?" 
ME:  "Do you think I'm fat?" ....(starting to get irritated because he must think I'm some kind of heffer who hides food in my car...)  ....(...which I am.....and I do.....but that's besides the point...)  "Sometimes I get hungry, officer!"   "And I like to be prepared when the hunger panes strike!"   "You see, peanut butter doesn't go bad so I can store it in my car without it molding or getting rancid......do you think that's weird?"  "And please don't call me Ma'ma....it makes me feel old!"  "I also keep plastic spoons in my console, if you must know!"    

Just a little Tuesday 'Randomness'.....

You know how I lost 21 pounds a month or two ago and I was feeling high on life and thinking my SH*T don't stink?   ...............well I've gained about most of it back........(...yes, I'm a loser with no willpower!)................(...HEY............SORRY............. but the thought of giving up Cheeseburgers and Vodka makes me nauseous...........I'm just sayin'!)



I read somewhere that there are more chickens in the world than people!?    There are 45 thousand chickens per person..................so that makes around 2902500000000000 chickens in the world........    (....HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?.............. Did someone count them all?)   (........I think someone has WAY TOO MUCH time on their hands!).........(...and another thing.........WHO THE FREAK CARES ANYWAY!) 



I absolutely LOVE the sitcom: 'The New Adventures of Old Christine'.......Julia Louis-Dreyfus is freakin' hilarious!  In fact -  if my life was a sitcom - it would be this one!    You know how I have a number of neuroses?..........and I have feelings of inadequacy?.......and how I am highly self-centered and self-obsessed? ...and how I like to talk about other people behind their backs?.....and how everything is always 'ALL ABOUT ME'?...........(.....in fact,.the only difference between Old Christine and me is that I'm married...........and I'm not a slut!)

Pretending I'm a Vampire....oh, and Poop!

I'm gonna make this short..............just wanted you to know what I've been thinking about today:

Last night while I was busy walking around my house - pretending that I was a Vampire..........I heard a knock on the door. Somehow I had CONVINCED MYSELF that the man at the door was a ‘Vampire Slayer’ (….yeah, I get paranoid like that when I get in character…….) I never DID answer the door….(….just so you know….)…….I just stood there - inside the door, carefully hidden - with my 'nunchucks' in hand - peaking outside from behind the window curtain - so that I could keep track of his where-a-bouts ...(....I was afraid he may sneak aournd back and come in for a surpise attack ...)..... I can’t be sure, but I think he ended up being a Jehovah Witness because there was an ‘I Love Jesus!’ pamphlet in the door this morning.




I ate an entire ‘block’ of Colby-Jack Cheese for my lunch today.



Am I the only one – that every time I take a poop – I feel like I need to take a shower? ……(………..hellloooooo……..is doesn’t matter how many toilet paper squares or wet wipes I use……..I just don’t feel like I’ve cleaned myself good enough………) .......(..I'm just sayin'.....)....

It's No Secret....

.......you can't be expecting too much outta this BLOG.......okay?

Yes, I KNOW I have a moustache......but thank you very much for pointing it out to me!

One of the technicians at our office .....a co-worker.....of the male persuasion, mind you.......thought it would be a good idea to inform me that I was sporting a moustache today......YES, A MOUSTACHE.....(...and no, I'm not making this SHIT up, people.....like I wanna go around having conversations with you  about how I have black hair growing under my nose......)    (.....and just so you know.....if you look close enough, you'll probably find some hair growing OUT OF MY NOSTRILS, TOO....SO THERE....... )     Although, why him telling me that I have black hair on my upper lip should cause such a reaction in myself is beyond me........... ISN'T IT I - who doesn't have a problem with telling all of you how I have 'little black hairs growing out of my nipples'........well, one should expect that IF I HAVE hair on my nipples, I'd also be sportin' a moustache, as well!    But that's beside the point!  We're not talking about the hair growing in inappropriate places on my body..............we're here to talk about PEOPLE WHO TELL ME I have hair growing in inappropriate places! (....like I don't know that already....helllooooooo.....)

So of course all day long people were staring at my upper lip, (in my own little twisted mind, anyway), and it was all I could do to look them in the face and NOT poke them in the eyes with my finger! 

Like I'm the only woman to ever sport a 'stach.............so I forgot to bleach it one day - sue me!   OR God Forbid that I would neglect to shave my upper lip for a day or two......     GOSH.......(....now I've gotten myself all worked up again....)

LORD, IT SUCKS GETTING OLD!

Changes Are On the Horizon at "My Life As Jenny".....

Who's been sitting in my airplane seat? I don't even want to know........

I was just sittin' here thinking....................

Next time you fly in an airplane ....................while your sitting in your seat.........why don't you think about how many disgusting people have sat in the same exact seat before you...........

..........................like the man who was sick and keeps spewing his germs all over the seat table in front of you each time he sneezes...................or the young man who recently peed his pants and didn't have time to change them before boarding this flight.............................or the little kid who picked his nose and wiped it on the seat during the entire flight.........................or the woman who had diarrhea and didn't quite make it to the restroom in time.......................or the lady who tried to change her babies dirty diaper in the seat and while the babies diaper was off - the baby peed all over ................or the old man who sat in the seat before you who hadn't washed his hair in 3 weeks .......(.........and don't get me started on all the people who have sat in your chair who may have had LICE..............hellloooooo......).........or the little girl who got motion sickness during the flight and threw up all over the seat table that was down at the time..............................OK........how do you feel now?

I guarantee, next time you fly - you'll think of me!            

Seriously...........I'm totally grossed out right now..........

The Sprinkler System 'Sucks', the "Jerry Springer Show" and what's the Freak up with Heidi Fleiss?

OK..........I'm just sitting here thinking today..........(try to keep up with my randomness, people)....

First of all......the sprinkler system at our office where I work is so 'Fricked up'....it comes on ALL OF THE TIME............ (needless to say, my bosses lawn looks spectacular.............greenest yard in town.............)........like for instance -right now- looking out the windows, from my desk - the sprinklers are ON - and it's RAINING outside ...........(this really drives me nuts, by the way)..................in fact one of the sprinklers is set up to spray the driveway......(not really sure why)................AND.......... on my way into the office - walking up the sidewalk this morning.........what happens?............the sprinklers come on................and start spraying me.......on the sidewalk........................(doing a total number on my hair, I might add!..............) So basically it's either the rabid birds or the watering system that's got it out for me each morning of my life.............(does anyone else have these problems?).....................(..oh, and, those DAMN "Garden Gnomes!")


AND.............................has anyone watched 'Sober House w/Dr Drew' lately? Is it just me or is Heidi Fleiss an absolute freak? (...I'm just sayin'.................)


................AND...........HairyMan and I are into watching "Jerry Springer" now.........(yes, really....I'm serious) ........... if you people think YOU have problems...................just watch one episode of 'Jerry Springer!' We watch it because it's soooo freakin' funny........................where do they find these people, anyway............................most of them don't have teeth.......and if they aren't sportin' 'mullets'.....their probably 'bald, inbred, transvestite strippers' or '400 pound women wearing tube tops with spandex'....................(hopefully I'm not affending anyone, by the way).....................oh wait..... I got it..........most of them probably came from my friend, 'City Girl's', neighborhood over at "Mudflap Bubba's".............(...by the way, if you haven't been to 'Mudflap Bubba's' site, go check her out at http://mudflapbubbas.blogspot.com/ ..............she's one funny chick...................if you think I'm funny - you're gonna love her!)

Oh, and since 'HairyMan' and me are into Jerry Springer now........we're planning our next vacation around a trip to Connecticut ..........so we can go to a LIVE taping of the "Jerry Springer Show!" ...................'Jerry'...........'Jerry'..............'Jerry'..................'Jerry'................

AND........speaking of "Heidi's".....I know 'Heidi Montag' is 'Hot' and all right now with her new artificial look that she's got goin' on........(she's 23 years old for gosh sakes)..........but I just watched her doing an interview............and the girl has ISSUES! Someone needs to tell her it's not all about Heidi....................It's all about ME!......................hellllloooooooooooooooo.......

Anyway...........so the speakers broke on my computer at work a few days ago .............. so I CAN'T listen to my 'YouTube' list on the Internet right now. And that's got me a little agitated, because I work better with music on in the background around this joint!
Photo courtesy of the Jerry Springer Show.

I have Maggots in my Mouth and NO - I didn't sleep with Tiger!

Random little things I need to get off my chest today……



WHAT - THE - FREAK - is up with my DREAMS lately? ................................here I am - just about ready to kiss 'Dwayne' ................you know?..........my boyfriend?............The Rock?............Dwayne Johnson?................just about to kiss Dwayne ........(........cause' you know how he's HOT for me and wants me in a BAD way)...........well......... we're about to have a major 'make-out' session (in my dream)......(which would probably involve 'French Kissing' and other GOOD stuff............)..............(Dwayne and me)...........and MAGGOTS and WORMS start falling out of my NOSE and MOUTH ..........helllooooooo................................. (well I'm certainly NOT going to kiss him NOW)........................ DAMMIT!……………(what a waste of a good dream).............…who dreams this kind of SH_T?............................ apparently, I have issues!

AND..........While other bloggers think it’s absolutely necessary to post EVERY day ............I am simply NOT one of them! ………I CAN’T do it! ……….. So don’t expect it! …………….…………just deal with it!

AND..........can someone please tell 'Lady Gaga' to put some D_MN clothes on.................

AND..............Is it just me?........................can someone explain to me HOW THE FREAK did 'Taylor Hicks' WIN the fifth season of American Idol? (.................so he can play the harmonica and clap his hands............)...........................What the Hell!?...........................



AND.........................I ABSOLUTELY HATE being on my PERIOD right now! …………….walking around all day with a ‘Canoe’ between my legs and/ or a ‘Popsicle’ up my “WHO-HA”…. SUCKS! (.........need I say more?......................)



AND......................................... I DIDN'T sleep with Tiger!

Photo of "THE ROCK" taken from the internet.

Marie Osmond, 'Zombieland' and how I almost killed my dog....

I rolled over in bed this morning and almost crushed ‘Maximus’ (my 6 pound yorkie) this morning………………I almost slid through an intersection this morning on my way to work (due to the slippery roads)…………. I went to the tanner this morning (since it’s February and I’m beginning to look pale and pasty)………………I fell on the frickin’ ice on the sidewalk outside my office (then got up of course and pretended nothing happened) ………………….I was weak and had 2 pieces of chocolate valentines candy today (damn you – fellow co-workers for bringing it in to work)…………I listened to Marie Osmond songs/duets all day on YouTube …………..(my new Marie Osmond favorite song is ‘Meet Me In Montana’ a duet with Dan Seals, by the way) ……….NO, MARIE, you don’t have enough likable songs to warrant your own ‘spot’ on my ‘YouTube playlist’ ……………………….I’ve seriously heard ENOUGH renditions of ‘Paper Roses’ to last me a lifetime …………. Someone…………SERIOUSLY…….. give me a gun……………………….. (Marie, do you realize you haven’t had a HIT since feathered hair was popular?) ............... I know you lost all that weight and you learned how to dance, but COME ON NOW!……………….……I ate most of the skin off one of my thumbs today and it’s throbbing with pain and I swear I can see nerve (will I ever learn? - Answer: Probably Not) ……………I'm on my third day of No Alcohol and No Energy drinks (.....yes - I'm in my own little private HELL and I think I want to die!) …………today NO birds have attacked me (apparently, their reign of terror has ended) I walked pass the bird feeders and bushes and told them I had my tennis racket and I was prepared to use it……………(yep – now the little pussy’s are scared of me!)……………..Chinese take out for dinner...................and I let HairyMan talk me into watching "ZombieLand" (possibly the stupidest movie I've ever seen in my life)............are you kidding me, Rob?

Thought of the Day..............