Jenny's 'Coyote Ugly Butt-Less Chaps'....

If you know me at all, you know that I have this 'on-going fasination' ...(OBSESSIVE ANAL FASCINATION....)....with

my 'Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps!'

I've had several people ask me the following question:

"Aren't ALL chaps butt-less?"

My response is as follows:

"Why YES, ALL chaps are butt-less...........

but I SERIOUSLY REALLY LIKE saying 'Butt-less Chaps' so that's what I say!"  

And I've had several ladies approach me and want to know WHERE I got my "Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps".......well, I didn't BUY them.........I MADE THEM!  (....YES - I am THAT talented, people!)

Actually I stole the idea from Brooke Hogan.......

(photo of Brooke Hogan in her 'butt-less chaps' taken from the internett)

Altho I have a little more 'Class' than Brooke Hogan.............

and I'll admit that 'MY ASS' looks BETTER in them then Brooke Hogans....

......I'm just sayin'..........

..........sooooooooooooooo..............

You want my 'Secret Pattern?'

Well, here goes...........

.....take a regular pair of your jeans .......... 

.....now 'CUT THEM'  ....(See below).....

And the final product will be as follows....

Now put on a belt, add a sexy top and hitch up your cowboy boots and you'll be all set!

(AND don't forget to wear some sexy underwear.... for GOSH SAKE's.....not your 'old stained granny-pannies'.........)

NOTE: At first I was a little hesitant regarding letting

you in on my 'Secret Pattern'...but then I thought to myself........

who am I foolin' ???

There's NO WAY in H*LL that you girls will look as good in yours as I do in mine!!

......so ENJOY!

Softball, Drunkin Scorekeeping and Sex!

The following bit is a 'little piece' taken from an email in response to my friend Porscha when she emailed me wanting to know how things have been going with me since we hadn't talked in awhile.  I won't bore you with the entire email....here's just a portion of it:


And I quote:  "Actually I'm nursing a hangover today, Porscha. No that's not quite true.....I don't really have a hangover...I can't be sure - but I think I'm pretty much still drunk from last night.  (Hairymans Softball night) And I was on a roll - trust me!  I was supposed to be keeping score.  And it is obvious from last night that I'm pretty much the WORSE 'score-keeper' of all time....in fact, maybe the worse scorekeeper in the whole universe.   I kept screwing up and getting the score wrong....even the ref was making jokes about what a sucky scorekeeper I was.   All the people in the bleachers were laughing at me.  And I didn't even think I was that drunk....(.....so I thought....)   But I can't be sure!   At one point, one of the players was quite irritated with me.   In fact, he actually took the book away from me and gave it to someone else to keep the score-book!    (...well....I really didn't want to keep score anyway......I just can't be trusted to pay that close attention to a softball game when there's alcohol and friends involved.......what the freak were they thinking putting me in charge of the book and keeping score anyway?)


Cinnamon took me to her house after the games.......all I remember is chowing down 'taquitos' and 'taco meat' and 'left-over mashed potatoes' and I think there was dancing.........yes, I'm pretty sure that dancing was involved.........I can't quite remember if there was music playing or not, tho........I might have been just 'getting my groove on' out on the dance floor with myself in silence (....the dance floor being Cinnamon's kitchen, of course....)   

Then Cinnamon's daughter took me home.....(......thank God for teenagers that can drive......)


I got home and was all horny of course - so I took a shower, shaved my legs, brushed my teeth....(attempted to get my sexy on)....butt-naked and lotioned up - and crawled into bed to wait for Hairyman to get home....


Next thing I know I'm laying on the couch with Max (my dog) lying beside me.............haven't a clue how I got there ......my legs are cut up and raw from razor burn (NOTE TO SELF: Don't shave legs while drunk)..........I have dried toothpaste all over my face (NOTE TO SELF: Don't brush teeth while drunk).....I don't even remember Hairyman getting home.....and I'm not sure if Hairyman and I ever did have sex or not..............I'm just hoping that I didn't have sex with Max!"    End of Quote


IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  This email and post was written with the sole purpose of humor.......(that's what I do - make people laugh).......in no way what-so-ever did I or have I ever had sex with my dog!   ......I'm just sayin'......                                                             

My Web Class is 'Kicking my *SS'....and I still have my Parasitic Worm!

My friend, Porscha, e-mailed me the other day:
Okay Jenny, what the hell is going on with you today? How is your eye? I have to read about your medical ailments on your blog?   Oh, and I don't think an entire cheesecake is part of the cleansing program. :-)  If it is, sign me up!!
How's school going? Caught up yet?  Later, Porscha

My response:

Ok, Porscha.......my freakin' web-class is kicking my *SS!   I'm on lesson #8 (and I'm supposed to be on lesson #10) so THAT means I'm 2 lessons behind! Can you tell me "Which is a block level element that allows me to specify logical divisions within the content of a Web page......a class, a span, a DIV, or a Style?"......I'm completely freakin' LOST! .....AND "Can you tell me which is an element used within the Head section of an HTML document to contain CSS style rules?" .........AGAIN.......I'm completely utterly FREAKIN' LOST! So you ask me how I'm doing in my Web Class?    The only reason I'm EVEN PASSING it at this point in time is because I'm 'CHEATING'......the quizzes are all multiple choice and open book....so I can look up the answers ....The only thing graded is the final exam.....and unless the final exam is 1.) multiple choice, 2.) open book, and 3.) NOT timed...I haven't a chance of passing this freakin' class!

Oh.....and the parasitic worm that has been living in my eyeball the last couple of days has moved to my tooth now!  The swelling and red puffiness in my eye is gone now.   ....didn't you read my last post? .....helllooooooooo......

Yeah...it's moved to my tooth now!  My 'Tooth Gum' is all inflamed and puffy and hurts....and NO I haven't went to the doctor YET...are you kidding...I'm seeing how many areas of MY BODY can become infested by worms before I actually get it taken care of by a professional.  Hey....here's a thought............MAYBE the worms will move to my stomach NEXT and they'll start eating my BELLY FAT and 'Muffin-Top'!!!

Oh, and I'm totally disgusted with myself for eating an entire cheesecake for breakfast....if HairyMan finds out, he's gonna 'FREAKIN' kill me!    Later, Venus

.......(Note: If you're new to my blog, Venus is my alter ego....you know the one that gets me into trouble all of the time!)

(picture courtesy of the internet)

Random things and thoughts today!

First of all...............I ate a leftover 'chicken thigh' from Kentucky Fried Chicken and 4 donuts on the way to work this morning.......................(YES............if you're just tuning in.................I'm a hog!)

I've decided my life is SO much better when I have a 'Tan'!

Each day, when I get home from work, I normally go put on an old T-shirt, a pair of sweats, my eyeglasses and put my hair up in a bun or a messy pony-tail...............Hairyman ALWAYS tells me how attractive I'm looking................(I think he's being sarcastic!)

OH...............and I've also decided that I'm not wearing 'thong' underwear anymore.............. if you MUST know.........it CHAFES me!   The other day I had a pair on and they got caught on the bracelet that I was wearing and I got a huge wedgie......... and I'm talking "MEGA - Wedge" girlfriends..........I was chafed, swollen up and bleeding from between my buttocks............not a good picture  - just so you know.  So I'm back to the 'big girl panties', now! 

Hairyman and I are going Golfing this weekend with a bunch of friends..........(my girlfriend, Porscha, knows that I don't golf, but invites me anyway.........she says I can go be 'Eye Candy' on the course......................what a nice friend!).......................I mean, NOT that I'LL be doing any golfing, mind you.....................I'm simply going because I like dressing up in my cute little golf outfit, driving around in the cart,  and drinking cocktails all day, while everyone else golfs!     

OH....................and I THINK I was a stripper in a past life!

'Happy Labor Day' everyone!  Hope you all have a fun and safe weekend!