The following is an email that I sent my two bosses this morning:

 

"Just wanted to tell the two of you................I know I’m a pain in the ass some times, but I really do love my job!"

 

"(.....and NO – I’m not drinking right now.....Geez!)" 

 

"(....altho, it could be the Vivarin and Prozac talking right now!)"    

 

"Anyways, thanks for putting up with me!"

 

True story...........

 

Boss #1 emailed me back with this reply:

 

"Funny - you are so funny!"  (....apparently Boss #1 has a sense of humor.....)  (........maybe he should start reading my blog!)

 

..........I haven't heard from Boss #2, yet!   (....let's see if he has a sense of humor....)  (...don't know if I want him reading my blog!)

 

I'll keep you posted!

If you see ME running - I'm probably being chased by a rabid panther....

I’m into RUNNING now. (Aren’t you impressed?) The other day I went out and bought myself a cute little running outfit, a new pair of tennis shoes, and a running belt.   The running belt holds my drivers license, some money, my credit card, my IPod, my cell phone, my lipstick, a pocket mirror, poise pads and 2 jackknives.


JUST A FEW NOTES:

1.)  The running outfit looks a H*LL of a lot better on the mannequin then it does on me……(…..maybe because the ‘freakin’ mannequin is a size 4 …….and doesn’t have any muffin top…)………I HATE YOU MANNEQUIN!

2.)  My new tennis shoes are too small for my feet and my big toe keeps jamming into the front of my shoe when I run…..(….I can’t be sure but I think my toenail on my big toe on my left foot is close to falling off right now ……and it’s not pretty…and it hurts...)

3.)  The money and I.D. are for when I happen to jog past a bar and need to stop for some Vodka – which pretty much happens all the time when I run.   Usually I stay too long at the bar and I have to call Hairyman to come pick me up.   Which doesn’t make him too happy………but no worries………I just bribe him with sexual favors of course……….But now I’ve started carrying '1 ounce shot bottles of Vodka' in my running belt.  (…aren’t you amazed at how smart I am?)

4.)  The credit card if for when I run out of cash at the bar…….hellllooooo…...

5.)  The jackknife is to defend myself against the freaky maniacal killer who is stalking behind me on the path with full intentions of raping me and torturing me and then killing me and cutting me up into little pieces and then feeding me to his pet komodo dragon that he keeps in the basement of his parents house…….(…..cause you KNOW he must live at home!).

6.)  Or…….the jackknife can also help with protecting myself against the panther that I’ve talked myself into believing is going to jump me on the trail one day and eat my face off.

7.)  And like I’m gonna leave home without my lipstick….or a mirror….hellllooooo…... I need to check myself out 'now and then' to see that I’m still looking ‘HOT’ in my running attire.     ON A SIDE NOTE:  The mirror can be used to start a fire in the forest if I get lost on the path and have to spend the night in the woods.

8.)  The 2nd jackknife is just in case I lose the first jackknife.

9.)  Poise Pads……..I think that’s self explanatory, don’t you?

So I’m running now…………well, that’s not really true …………I haven’t really been running ………... I think we better call it JOGGING instead…………..well, that’s not really true either..............actually it’s more like ‘fast-walking’…………well….. ‘fast-walking’ isn’t really accurate either.

Oh, Hell…….If the truth be known… I guess one could just say that I’ve been taking a few leisurely walks now and then.   And I’m not even walking very fast, trust me…....(....hey……walking fast make me tired and gets me out of breath……and it makes me sweat……..and I don’t like getting all sweaty and tired when I work out.)

Anyway…..now I have ‘shin-spints’ and how the freak I could get shin-spints in the first place is beyond me…because I’m hardly walking very fast at all.   In fact last time I took a walk, I spent 20 minutes out of my 30 minute walk picking up pine cones and acorns from along the side of the road. HEY – Don’t Judge Me!

'My Freak Sunflower Seed Accident'

I've been eating sunflower seeds all day long today (....which I'm guessing
might have something to do with me being fat and all......just a
thought..........) .....anyway......beside the fact that I've ate so many of
them today that my mouth is actually RAW and I have NO SENSE OF TASTE left
on my tongue......well, you know how you're supposed to break the outer seed
of the sunflower seed in your mouth, eat the soft innards and SPIT OUT the
hard shell?    Well, to my horror - I just did the opposite..............I
just SPIT OUT the 'inner soft part' and SWALLOWED the hard shell..........WHOLE........I swallowed it FREAKIN' WHOLE - PEOPLE......................... in
fact, I can't be sure....but I think I might be choking to death RIGHT
NOW......as we speak.........

......hypothetically..... let's just say I DON'T choke to death ....  I can tell you RIGHT
NOW I have the hard shell of a sunflower seed LODGED in the back of my
throat.......I can feel it grinding into my skin every time I swallow..............yes I can........and it was a freakin' huge seed too......sorta
the size of a 'Lincoln Log'........(......but a Lincoln Log that's been
sharpened on both ends, mind you.........)....and every time I swallow I can feel it
digging deeper into the flesh of my throat and I'm sure it's working it's
way to the base of my skull where it will then make its way into my spinal
cord ............and eventually that seed is gonna get LODGED in my spinal
cord and paralyze me and it's not gonna be a good thing.......not a very
good thing AT ALL...........and when THAT happens.... (...you know when I'm
paralyzed and everything.....)  ... you'll all probably be wishing you
would've paid a little more attention to me when I was telling you about
my 'freak sunflower seed accident!'  ...............(.....I'm just sayin'.........)

Tight Shorts and Camel Toe!

My shorts are definitely TOO TIGHT today!  I’m wearing Bermuda shorts right now and I don’t remember them being THIS TIGHT this morning when I put them on. ………(…… Ok….maybe I DO remember them being a little tight-fitting, but nothing like they feel now…)…. Is it my imagination, or has THIS SHIT happened to me before?  Read this......

I haven’t even freakin’ EATEN anything today. (……oh yeah……unless you count the 2 BK Bacon Wraps, the BK Breakfast Club, and the Hersey Sundae Pie from 'Burger King' that I ate on the way to work this morning…….) ….(…..yeah…..like that doesn’t surprise you……you should know by now – I’m a Hog!...)……But I haven’t eaten anything since breakfast……..well..........maybe a few sunflower seeds, a granola bar and some almonds…….. but still….. I think my shorts have actually shrunk - on my body - somehow thru-out my day today.


Like I said…I don’t really remember them being THIS TIGHT this morning…..altho, I was on my third 'Bloody Mary' when I found myself getting dressed this morning…..and come to think of it..........I really don’t remember TOO MUCH about ANY of my morning this morning……in fact….to be honest - I’m not even sure how I even got to work today!  ……..(…..HEY……DON’T JUDGE ME!.....)

So, I’m sitting here at work right now…….feeling quite faint……..about ready to pass out at my desk ……….because the top of my pants are digging into my waist and constricting the oxygen flow thru my body.  (………yeah right - like I have a waist at this point in my life……..)   I’ve got red swollen welts where the top of my shorts are digging into my stomach. …(…it’s not a pretty sight.................….just so you know............................................TRUST ME!….)

I tried pulling them way up over my belly button earlier today which gave me some relief..…but do you know what happens when you pull your pants way up high?      Can you say CAMEL – TOE? ……..(.....NOT a pretty sight either.....by the way......)     

GOOD GOD…….NOW my crotch hurts!

....more poop stories......

(If you don't like talking about POOP - you might wanna SKIP this post......I'm just sayin'..........)
Well, I did it again......(....if you're not sure what I'm talking about, read THIS post.......) ......I plugged the toilet at work AGAIN......   Well, I can't help it, people......sometimes I just gotta go.  And I've been having trouble in the poop department lately.

See, this is how it went down:  We have one bathroom in our office - just one - that we all share.  I used to wait for all my male co-workers to leave the office each morning - then - like clockwork  - it's off to the toilet I would go to do my business, same time, each day.  (.....I did this back when I thought all the men in my office didn't think I ever went poop....)      Well - I'm OVER that now - Yeah - I pretty much poop whenever I want to now!   

There was a time - a couple of years ago that I had to go SO BAD................I mean REALLY bad - and one of my male bosses was in the office that afternoon.  I kept waiting for him to get his work done and leave......but he kept sticking around doing God knows what....(....well, I certainly wasn't going to stink up the bathroom when he was in the office...you know..)......I kept having the urge........I mean REAL FREAKIN' BAD .....and I kept trying to squeeze my butt-cheeks together....you know - to keep it from 'prairie-doggin' and stuff.  Well - this lasted for about an hour, then I started getting the cold sweats and not feeling so good ...(...you know....from holding it in and all....)..........at one point I started to feel nauseated ....in fact - I can't be sure, but I think I passed out at my desk for a minute!   I decided that I needed to do something....and FAST.....SO I tried using my 'mental telepathy ninja skills' on him to make him think he had to go somewhere else, thus getting him out of the office.......(...I kept trying to project thoughts into his mind - like:  "ED - You need to LEAVE the office!"....."ED - You have to go downtown to get some lunch!".....or "ED - You need to run home and get your mail!"....or "ED - YOU NEED TO GET THE H*LL OUT OF THE FLIPPIN' OFFICE...LIKE RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW - BEFORE I EXPLODE!"....).....but that didn't work!   Finally....I just couldn't take it anymore....I was sop and wet from sweat.......on the verge of losing consciousness again.....(.....from holding my poop in for so long..).....So I grabbed a few pieces of out-going mail and told him I had to go to the post office to get these letters out ....and by God - I think he bought it!   Little did he know - instead of going to the post office - I went straight to the 'McDonalds' downtown - headed right to the public restroom and did my business.   And let me tell you - It wasn't pretty.......     Well - to Hell with that, my friends.........nope - not putting myself through that again.....EVER......

So, anyway....(...back to my original story....)......today I was taking my daily poop and low and behold - "CLOGGAGE"  (Surprise.........) The rest is as follows:
I open the door to the bathroom having discovered my toilet problem and hollar upstairs to my co-worker, Chris: 
ME:   "Chris, Are we the only ones in the office right now?  I freakin' clogged the toilet again!"
(laughter from upstairs)
(.....plunging....)
(....plunging....)
ME:  "I'm gonna try flushing it again - but I think it's going to overflow!"
(more laughter from upstairs)
(....plunging....)
(......FLUSH........)
ME:  "SHIT....I DID IT.......It's freakin' overflowing......there's poop water going all over.......damn-it.......I TOLD YOU this was gonna happen!"
(...more laughter from upstairs.....)
(.....more plunging...)
(...more plunging.....)
Chris:  (...hollering down to me from upstairs...) "You gotta plunge it really hard to get it to go down, Jenny!"
(....more plunging...)
(.....more plunging....)
ME: "Ok..........Good.........there it goes........I've got it.........it flushed.........did you hear me?.........we're all set..........it's okay now!"
(....laughter from upstairs....)
ME:  "Why does this SHIT always just happen to me, anyway?"
Chris: (...hollering down to me from upstairs....) "It doesn't, Jenny ....it happens to me sometimes too......I just don't broadcast it to the entire office!"
                      (.....well I'll be damned.....)
(photo courtesy of the internet)

I peed my pants, I have paper towel falling out of my bra....and those D*MN sprinklers!

List of things that are irritating me today at work today:


1.)  The sprinklers are ON at work and it’s raining outside! (…..absolutely drives me freakin’ nuts, Bill…)

2.)  I ran out of Vodka! (….sucks………nothing to put in my orange juice today….)   .....(Note to self:  Buy Vodka on my lunch-hour....)

3.)  The under-wire in my bra is jabbing me in the rib! (…I just checked and my right side is raw and bloody right now…I’m seriously thinking of taking off my bra right now…)  I’ll try stuffing paper towel under my bra and see if that works.

4.)  I sneezed and peed myself so I’m walking around with a sweater tied around my waist all day – reeking of urine! (Not the cat piss that I rub all over my body to keep the garden gnomes away, but MY urine!) I sprayed myself with the bathroom deodorizer to camouflage the pee smell…..and accidentally sprayed it in my eyes and so now my eyes are swollen, red and watering and everyone keeps asking me why I’m crying!. (…I don’t know why I sprayed it on my head to begin with …..it’s not like I peed on my face…it’s not my head that reeks of urine…helllllooooo……)


5.) Paper towel isn’t working, people…..I’m walking around all day with paper towel falling out of my blouse and now half the office thinks I’m STUFFING MY BRA! 

Is it 5 o'clock yet?    ....(...GEEZ.....)

Happy Freakin' Friday, People!

Alright……..enough already about the parasitic problems in my head……looks like they’ve taken care of themselves on their own...thank you very much, my friends.....   And I realize now that the ‘parasitic worms’ and ‘nesting tarantula hatchlings’ were just a figment of my imagination and I have to admit that they WERE NEVER REAL, and they NEVER REALLY EXISTED!   (....at least that's what I keep telling myself.....until the voices in my head start telling me otherwise..........)


Oh, and my good friend, Sherri - over at "The Mess that is my Mind" talked me into rubbing 'Cat Piss' all over my body!

Well, hey…..she told me that Cat Pee repels garden gnomes and since Sherri and I are ‘Blogging BFF’s’ and all….    (….well, Sherri doesn’t really know that we’re best friends….....BUT WE ARE..........I don't care what SHE SAYS - WE ARE, Damn it!)

....(…kinda like most of my friends don’t really know that they’re my best friends….)....

....(…they just play along with me…because they don’t want to hurt my feeling……either that or they’re scared of me…….) ...

....I’m just sayin’…….

So NOW I’m walking around smelling like Cat Piss ……..and my dog keeps trying to have sex with my leg!

              

My Web Class is 'Kicking my *SS'....and I still have my Parasitic Worm!

My friend, Porscha, e-mailed me the other day:
Okay Jenny, what the hell is going on with you today? How is your eye? I have to read about your medical ailments on your blog?   Oh, and I don't think an entire cheesecake is part of the cleansing program. :-)  If it is, sign me up!!
How's school going? Caught up yet?  Later, Porscha

My response:

Ok, Porscha.......my freakin' web-class is kicking my *SS!   I'm on lesson #8 (and I'm supposed to be on lesson #10) so THAT means I'm 2 lessons behind! Can you tell me "Which is a block level element that allows me to specify logical divisions within the content of a Web page......a class, a span, a DIV, or a Style?"......I'm completely freakin' LOST! .....AND "Can you tell me which is an element used within the Head section of an HTML document to contain CSS style rules?" .........AGAIN.......I'm completely utterly FREAKIN' LOST! So you ask me how I'm doing in my Web Class?    The only reason I'm EVEN PASSING it at this point in time is because I'm 'CHEATING'......the quizzes are all multiple choice and open book....so I can look up the answers ....The only thing graded is the final exam.....and unless the final exam is 1.) multiple choice, 2.) open book, and 3.) NOT timed...I haven't a chance of passing this freakin' class!

Oh.....and the parasitic worm that has been living in my eyeball the last couple of days has moved to my tooth now!  The swelling and red puffiness in my eye is gone now.   ....didn't you read my last post? .....helllooooooooo......

Yeah...it's moved to my tooth now!  My 'Tooth Gum' is all inflamed and puffy and hurts....and NO I haven't went to the doctor YET...are you kidding...I'm seeing how many areas of MY BODY can become infested by worms before I actually get it taken care of by a professional.  Hey....here's a thought............MAYBE the worms will move to my stomach NEXT and they'll start eating my BELLY FAT and 'Muffin-Top'!!!

Oh, and I'm totally disgusted with myself for eating an entire cheesecake for breakfast....if HairyMan finds out, he's gonna 'FREAKIN' kill me!    Later, Venus

.......(Note: If you're new to my blog, Venus is my alter ego....you know the one that gets me into trouble all of the time!)

(picture courtesy of the internet)

More Random thoughts......

Random things going on with me today:

1.) My ‘Nasty Eye’ seems to be healing quite nicely on its own today - thank you very much………(...…at least I THINK it is…)….....It’s not as puffy, red and nasty looking today.......... the swelling has gone down, and it doesn’t hurt as much as it did yesterday! ….(…altho, I can’t really be sure….since I’m high on Benadryl and Motrin right now..)

2.) I ate an entire cheesecake on the way to work this morning! (….just thought I'd let you all know what a pig I am...…)

3.) I’ve been noticing what with spring around the corner; all of the stores have their spring gardening supplies and yard decorations out.  Wouldn’t you know that the hot item this year is ‘freakin’ garden gnomes…..everywhere I look!   Are you freakin’ kidding me………I went down an aisle the other day, and there must have been about five or six rows of the ‘freakin’ things……just glaring at me from atop their shelves……what the H*LL is wrong with people! And who the H*LL buys these things, anyway, I ask you?

4.) The bad news is that my tooth hurts today…..my tooth gum is red, lumpy and puffy and it hurts..….kinda like I have a popcorn kernel stuck in it……only I HAVEN'T eaten any popcorn lately…….so I can’t be sure - but I’m fairly positive that A.) the parasitic worm that was in my eyeball yesterday has left my right eyeball and traveled to my tooth today  .....OR   B.) I’m growing fangs and turning into a vampire! .......I’ll keep you posted!
    
                     

Letters from Jenny.........Beauty Sleep, Hybrid Panther Cats and I look like "Monkey Butt"!

OK, girlfriends….it was great spending time with you guys, I’ll give you that!  But I seriously can’t believe that I looked at the clock last night and it was almost 2AM……guess it was a good thing I went to bed when I did.   NOTE: 5:30AM came way too early this morning!   …………(just thought I’d let you know - since you two bitches were still in bed when I left the house, because neither of YOU TWO had to work today......)     I did happen to hit snooze for about 40 minutes before I actually got out of bed this morning…………..… but that was after your stupid cat (who I still believe isn’t really a cat at all, but a ‘miniature hybrid panther’ judging from the size of the animal.............) …...decided to cough up hairballs for ½ hour outside my bedroom door at 4AM.  (.......it took me everything I had to not light the freakin' thing on fire.........I'm just sayin'..........) So after hitting the snooze button for 40 minutes, I finally jumped out of bed and realized I had about 5 minutes to get ready for work.  I tripped over your pet panther on my way to the bathroom (about putting my eye out and dislocating my knee.)  I did appreciate your hospitality of leaving the kitchen light on so I would be able to see while I was getting around this morning.  I made it to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, applied deodorant, threw on my clothes and headed out of the bathroom only to find someone had gotten up in the 3 1/2 minutes that it took me to get ready in the bathroom to shut ALL the freakin’ lights off in the house.  “WTF?” Are you kidding me?  Were you people just trying to “F*CK” with me?  Were you behind your bedroom doors covering your mouths to stifle your laughs while I tripped over the ‘pet panther cat’ and cussed while trying to find my way around your house with my arms outstretched in the pitch dark like a blind woman who had lost her cane?   Evidently no one in your house has ever heard of a little invention called a ‘NIGHT LIGHT’.    I did decide to use my cell phone screen as a make-shift flashlight, I  made it outside to my car, which you so graciously let me park in your garage, (......but you did forget to tell me where the freakin’ door opener was………thank you very much - friend.....) spent the next 5 minutes searching the walls of the garage for the garage door opener, which ended up being INSIDE your house door (who the freak puts the garage door button INSIDE the house)  Nobody…….heellloooooooo!     Once my car was out of your garage, picture me spending the next 7 minutes attempting to close the garage door by pushing the button and running to try to make it under the door before it closed….(.......yeah...close your eyes....see it in your mind, will you.......)........well, it didn’t work…......some idiot decided to put a little feature in THIS garage door that prevents it from closing when I run under it............GENIOUS, I TELL YOU............I pretty much thought I'd pass out from all that running back and forth......…at this point let the damn garage door come down and crush me...........I already have a bum eye and limp from falling over the pather, remember?  (Oh and my car thermometer registered a whopping 2 degrees outside this morning friends...good thing I was working up a sweat running back and forth under the damn garage door)   …….That's when I realized I didn’t put my car in park as I watched it begin to roll down your driveway.   OMG…….ARE YOU KIDDING ME!   Sorry, closing the garage door just didn’t seem too important to me right then……..”In fact – SCREW THE GARAGE DOOR………Now picture me running down the driveway toward my car........good thing I'm up to date with my 'Chuck Norris moves 'making it easier for me to slip inside and hit the brakes before my car backed down into the ditch.   (It's actually a miracle that I didn’t kill myself this morning, now that I think about it)  I have a headache right now and I about fell asleep on my way to work…….. I kept slapping myself across the face and hanging my arm out the window to keep me awake for the 1 ½ hour drive.  And for future reference – you should know that I require a minimum of 7 hours of beauty sleep to maintain my fabulous hot-ness on a daily basis!.......  So make a note!  (3 hours of sleep just doesn’t cut it anymore!)  I just looked in the mirror and I look like 'MONKEY ASS' today!  I have absolutely no makeup on, I forgot to comb my hair and I just noticed my shirt was on inside out!  And something stinks .............and I can't be sure, but it might be me!  (It's another miracle that they allow me to work here looking like this!)  Oh yeah…..and did I mention on my 1 1/2 hour drive to work this morning that I was about ready to stab a fork in the eyeball of the guy who decided to tailgate me for a 40 mile stretch of highway (with his ‘High Beams’ on………thank you very much, Jack-ass)  ….because apparently 60 miles an hour isn’t fast enough to drive at 6AM in the morning ………. pitch dark outside, trying to dodge deer and all the other objects that were in my vision due to my night blindness, and on top of that it was snowing SIDEWAYS outside, you moron!    Anyway.......Love you Kelly and Mary!  How was your freakin' morning? 

Where's the 'Freakin' Wine? .....and I think I have a concussion!

Wanna know how my weekend went? .....(well I'm gonna tell you regardless......I mean.....whether you really want to hear about it or not).......(after all......this Blog is ALL ABOUT ME,  remember?)

Thursday night:  Put up the Christmas tree.....(all by myself)......wrapped all of the presents and put them under the tree.

Friday night:   Decorated the Christmas Tree.....(all by myself).............climbed on a chair to put the Star on the top of the tree, the ceiling fan hit me in the head, knocked me off the chair and I fell to the floor....almost taking the tree with me.....(I think I was unconscious for a few minutes).........and I'm pretty sure I dislocated my elbow.....and if I'm remembering it correctly, I had no feeling in the left side of my body for a good 3 minutes after I fell.......altho my memories a little fuzzy right now.............but I do remember seeing stars and little birds dancing around in my head and hearing ringing in my ears..............yeah........pretty sure I have a concussion.......I'm just sayin'......

Saturday:  Spent all morning looking for my bottle of wine....then I remembered I drank the entire bottle Friday night............(...yup....there's the empty bottle in the garbage and my dirty wine glass in the sink............silly me........)......... Spent the day 're-wrapping' all of the presents under the tree because my dog decided to piss all over them..........(if your present smells like DOG PISS.......DEAL WITH IT!)...............OH,  and I'm pretty sure that I ate an entire roll of 'chocolate chip cookie dough' and an entire bag of peanut M&M's all by myself.........I couldn't remember if I took some Tylenol, so I took 3 more...... I drank another bottle of wine........accidentally locked my dog in the closet.........

Sunday:  Painted my fingernails and then heard a loud crash from the other room.........(scared the 'freakin SH*T' out of me........just so you know......)...........dog started barking..........I grabbed a butcher knife and a baseball bat and headed to the other room..........where I found the Christmas tree laying across my dining room floor.....pine needles .....water ........broken ornaments EVERYWHERE.......spent the next 2 hours cleaning up pine needles and water and broken ornaments..............couldn't find the stinking string.......... or a hammer.......so I used binder twine and a brick to pound the nails in my wall that I needed to secure the tree back up .....around the branches and  to the wall....(looks really 'freakin' lovely...just so you know......).........hung some ornaments from the binder twine to make it look prettier.......(.....don't think it worked..................at this point.....who cares.......).......decided to forget the wine - I need Vodka........I'm out of Tonic - so I'm drinking it straight out of the bottle  (..........hey.......don't judge me!)......repainted my fingernails since they were not dry at the time of the 'Christmas tree disaster' .................my fingernails look like SH*T..........
                            ..............now I'm watching 'Fargo' on TV and plucking my eyebrows.....

How was your 'Freakin' weekend? 

Sunflower Seeds, My Flying Monkeys, and the UPS Man!

My Day today, you ask?
……..my hair looks like SHIT today (just so you know)……maybe I should wash it………… (I can only wear it in a bun so many days, right?)   .......I’m gonna have to spend the day avoiding PRETTY people…………..and spend the day standing next to UGLY people ………..(to make myself look better, you know?!)

………I’m seriously addicted to ‘Sunflower Seeds’…I eat them all the time………….not just ANY sunflower seeds – BUT ‘Ranch-Flavored’ sunflower seeds! Seriously….once you try the Ranch – you won’t go back to the original flavored…………….isn’t that some kind of saying or something?    “Once you go Ranch, you’ll never go back!” 
…………I spent WAY too much money at a “Pure Romance” party last week and HairyMan’s gonna kill me when he finds out!   (………..now I’m gonna have to bribe him with SEXUAL favors again ………Good Lord!)

…………I’m not really having a great day today………….I mean, I hate to complain and all………but seriously, people are pissing me off left and right today……….I’m about ready to release my ‘Flying Monkeys’………….."Fly, My Pretties, Fly!"

…………..and I'm pretty sure I have a CRUSH on the UPS man…………(I'm just sayin')

Listen........"Mr. Annoying Telemarketer".............

OM'Freakin'Gosh.......ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Listen ‘Mr. Annoying Telemarketer’…….. if you want to talk to the person in charge of making decisions for our company, you’ll have to tell me what kind of decisions your asking to be made……….PERIOD……..END OF CONVERSATION……......now leave me alone, butt-wipe!

ME:  "Good Morning, may I help you?" (........this morning, at work..........in my most 'cheery' professional voice, of course)

Mr. Annoying: “Can I talk to the owner of the business, please?”

ME: “May I ask what this is regarding?”

Mr. Annoying: “I need to talk to the person in charge of making decisions for your company.”

ME: (.....here we go........) “What kinds of decisions?”

Mr. Annoying: “Ma’am, I’m only able to talk to the person who is authorized to make decisions for the company.” (sounding a bit annoyed)

ME: “What kinds of decisions, sir?” (......yes........two can play this game, people.....)

Mr. Annoying: “Is there an owner available that I can talk to?”

ME: “You’ll need to tell me what the decisions are regarding, so I know who it is that you need to talk to.”

Mr. Annoying: “Are YOU authorized to make decisions for the company?” (....trust me......I'm NOT making this up.........this is the actual conversation.........)

ME: “You haven’t really explained what decision needs to be made…..so……I haven’t a clue if I’m authorized.” 

…click…………………….he 'stinkin' hangs up on me………….unbelievable!

Seriously................and they wonder why I'm SUCH A BITCH at work?
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

Where's my 'FREAKIN' Banana?

This morning I grabbed a banana to eat on the way to work and half way to work  - it went MISSING!  (YES, when I reached into the passenger seat to grab it - IT WAS GONE!)

So .....I spent the next 10-15  minutes looking all over my 'freakin' car for the blasted banana and it's a miracle I made it to work in one piece, what with me swerving all over the road and all............(evidentally my 'Super Human Hunting Skills' weren't working this morning at 7AM, Damnit!)

So I'm sitting here at work ............. hungry for my stinkin' banana.....(............yeah........ while I'm supposed to be working, I know)............. (hey DON'T judge me!) ..........trying to figure out what could have happened to the infamous 'Breakfast Banana':

1) Maybe I left it on the counter in the house and forgot to even bring it in the car with me in the first place.

2) OR....Maybe I dropped it in the garage on my way to the car.

3) OR....It may have fallen under my seat in my car while I was driving and wasn't looking ...(so if sooner or later my car suddenly get this strange infestation of fruit flies ..........well, I'm just saying)  Altho, what smells better in my car?  Rotten Banana or Dirty Ass..............you tell me!

Actually .....maybe I tossed it ON MY 'drivers side car seat' before I sat down, and then, without looking, SAT ON IT!   (...altho wouldn't I know if I had a banana lodged in my butt-crack!?)    

OR 4) Maybe I'm an idiot and I DID EAT IT on the way to work after all, and I just don't remember eating it……..but then ............I really don’t ever remember rolling down my window and throwing the banana peel out the window into the ditch, which is what I normally do with my banana peels and apple cores    (hey, they're biodegradable and the animals eat them, don't they?)    (banana peels and apple cores out the window isn't littering is it?  'Cause I am so NOT INTO littering, my friends............and if it IS considered littering, I would have to re-think my 'peels and cores' out the window routine!)

.....................Well........a few hours have passed, and I still can't figure out where my DAMN BANANA is.............

............SO........... let me know if ANYONE FINDS IT, will you?! 

Red Lips on my Butt, Hilary Duff, and I Clogged the Toilet......

Highlights Of My Day:


1.) Since I’m getting a tattoo this summer……(“red lips on my _SS”, for your information)……….SOMEONE (who will remain nameless)…….…(ur…..’Unknown Mami’) ……. says I should get a tattoo of a 'garden gnome'…….heelllloooooo……(has she not been paying attention to my posts?)......(...or is she just trying to get me riled up?)............…now I've got the creeps (thanks, Mami)…….and the shivers…….and I’m sure to have nightmares tonight just thinking of it! “Garden Gnome tattoo……..I THINK NOT!”


2.) Today was ‘Hilary Duff Day’ on the ole’ YouTube playlist ……..My favorite songs are ‘Who’s That Girl’, ‘Fly’, ‘So So Done’, and ‘Dangerous To Know’            (She’s such a little ‘cutie pa-tootie’…….)

3.) OK........I’ve lost ONE pound......yes ONLY ONE miserable pound……..(…….seriously…..in three weeks………)   Unless I lose another 29 pounds by June 1st - NO $1000.00 FOR ME……….I’m so pathetic!    At this rate I'll be THIN by......uh.......20 years.........uh.......and by then, I could be dead!    (What are the chances of me losing another 29 pounds in 19 days?!)   It’s NOT looking good, girlfriends!   Unless I magically ‘give birth’ to a baby between then and now!


And 4.)  (I’m saving the best for last)   Today I clogged the toilet at work………………and I mean REALLY clogged it……….(I’m not kidding, girlfriends)……….I spent 20 whole minutes in the bathroom plunging and the ‘Freakin’ thing overflowed twice……(I panicked, which apparently made it worse)……. there was POOP water all over……it was splashing all over me and getting all over the walls and floor. I should’ve known there was going to be a problem in the first place, because I was having a hard time poopin’ it out to begin with……………(I think it has to do with ‘Too Much Cheese” lately!) I e-mailed my boss (who happened to be out of the office - he gets his e-mails on his cell phone)……the message was as follows:

Bill (my boss):    Just so you know, I clogged the toilet here in the office……….I’ve been in there 20 minutes plunging and it’s overflowed twice. Apparently my poop was bigger than I thought it was. I don’t know what to do! Any ideas? (I think we’re gonna need a BIGGER PLUNGER!)   Jenny

That’s it for the day (so far)………..tell me about your day. Any poop problems?

I've Been Tricked Into EXERCISING!

Ok.............so my co-worker, Chris, who happens to be one of my best friends ………….she told me she was gonna walk across the street to a garage sale on our lunch, and asked me if I wanted to join her………….I said, “Sure” and out the door we went…………….

.........well lets just say that I should've known something was fishy, 'cause she's always trying to get me to exercise with her.....................

...................well, needless to say, the garage sale happened to be ACROSS TOWN..(not across the street)………........(which she neglected to mention, of course)…................ssurrrrprissssse..............(probably cause she knew I wouldn’t go with her........if I thought it would require any physical exercise on my part)...................

..............while walking, we chit-chatted to a 'little old man' - (who I think must have been 100 years old - by the looks of him).... who happened to be out in his yard as we walked by, and made a point of going out of his way to gain our attention by grabbing his suspenders, snapping them, and trotting over to try to strike up a conversation..........I think he was 'HOT' for me...................(I'm just saying.......)

.........THEN my friend, Chris, tricked me and made me continue walking to the bank with her……..…(she told me we were going for ice cream)…….(well.................does it surprise you that we didn’t go for ice cream? In fact – I don't think we were even close to a place that sold ice cream ………hellllooooooo……what was I thinking? I should've known better than to trust her !)

........so needless to say – about 40 minutes later, here we are, back in the office……I’m out of breath, cause I’m pathetically out of shape, my feet are throbbing, cause I’m in FLIP-FLOPS (not tennis shoes)……..’thanks, Chris’, by the way………..I have shin splints again – (yes, I can already feel them coming on)………….I’ve got a headache from squinting in the sun…………I not only stink and am sweating profusely from my armpits…….but my cute little hairdo I was sportin’ today is in great need of a new ‘re-vamping’………….

On the 'pro – side' of all this……I DID end up walking about 40 minutes on my lunch, so basically I got QUITE the exercise today (which I'm in great need of, actually).......(exercise, that is.........).............and since I ALSO walked 20 minutes on my gazelle this morning at 5:30AM before I left for work...let's see……………..what is that? About 60 minutes of exercise today …………..OMLord…..that’s more exercise then I’ve had in ONE day in a long time! So I guess I don’t HATE Chris anymore!

(Just so you know...........)

'Brandy Norwood', my socks don't match and I think I Stink!

Today’s ‘Brandy’ Day on the ole’ YouTube channel……..(and yes, she’s got her own ‘Playlist’ on my YouTube page) …….. I didn’t realize how many songs Brandy has out there….. well……..I should of realized……….she’s been singing since way back when “Sittin’ up in my room” was a hit, right……….what a pretty girl she is………my favorite ‘Brandy Song’ right now is “Right Here” (one of her newer songs)…….Did you know that Kobe Bryant, (before he was a NBA star), took her to his high school prom in 1996? Did you know that she starred alongside Jennifer Love Hewitt in the 1998 movie ‘I Still Know What You Did Last Summer’? (Do you even care?)

And speaking of today...................I look like "Royal Dog Freak" today! I honestly did NOTHING with myself this morning..............you know how sometimes I come to work and I look pretty 'Fly' sportin' my 'sassy clothes', having showered, applied deoderant, brushed my teeth, curled my hair, tweezed my eyebrows, and put on my flawless face of makeup..............WELL TODAY'S NOT THAT DAY, girlfriends!

...............I slapped off the alarm this morning and dove behind my computer screen (because you know how I'm addicted to the internet, and all...........and how I wouldn't want to miss anything...........like some worldly event was going to happen on facebook ............or maybe 'FarmVille' was offering some sort of new animal for a limited time only..........or maybe the 'BlogFrog' came out with a new community or something.............)................(and I should've been getting ready for work, you know).............by the time I looked at the clock I was still in my pj's and had about 5 minutes left before I actually had to leave for work - without being late............................So ............as I tripped over 'Max' - just shy of falling down the stairs................ I changed my underware......................thru on a pair of jeans from the laundry basket................... thru a sweatshirt over my pajama top................. took a drink of 'Scope'...................sprayed my entire body with 'feminine deoderant spray' (which I thought was perfumed body spray)...................put my hair in a clip (which broke on the way to work)................... popped a vivarin...............grabbed a can of Red Bull............... jumped in the car and away we go!

Ok........so basically I'm at work .......I forgot my phone...............I'm in my pajamas............ I stink of 'B-O'.................. my breath reeks .......................my socks don't match................. I just realized I'm not wearing a bra...................the sweatshirt I grabbed has a bright red kool-aid stain on the front of it.....................and don't get me started on my 'Hair"! I just caught a look at myself in a mirror and I look like DEATH! Ohmyholyfreakness...................I hope I don't see anyone worth impressing today.....................it's a wonder my boss doesn't send me home..........I look like a 'Bag Lady!"

A Leftover Burrito, Moldy Cottage Cheese and I'm being Stalked by a Mountain Lion........

Things I did last night..............(.........as if you really care, right?.............):

I ate a leftover ‘5 Layer Burrito’ from Taco Bell……(I wolfed it down in like 3 seconds…………..don’t really think I even chewed it………….and I think it was the best burrito I’ve ever eaten in my entire life!)………… I shaved all the ‘man-hair’ off of HairyMans back...(the highlight of my evening, let me tell you)..………….….I cleaned up dog-pee from all over my house .....(since my little dog, Max, feels the need to relieve himself all over INSIDE my house, instead of going outside to his little ‘special area’ thru his little doggie door, which we have conveniently provided him with, and like we have trained him to do) …………..(evidently, it looks like we didn’t really train him, did we? )……(Damn little Dog!)……….I threw away moldy cottage cheese that has evidently been lost in the back of my refrigerator for quite some time……….I shaved my legs with a brand new razor…..(.now I have little ‘bleedy scrapes and nicks’ all over my legs………………really attractive……………NOT!)………(I think my legs looked better ‘hairy’ than with all these cuts all over them)………No shorts for me today!................I took a 25 minute walk around our neighborhood and peed myself……….(I would’ve walked a little longer – but thought I ought to get home to change my pants (since I peed them and all......)......AND...... I also started 'freakin' myself out' when I got to hearing movement in the woods ......and my imagination started getting away from myself with thoughts that I was being followed by a female mountain lion in heat………after all, I had nothing to defend myself with but a small stick that I had picked up on my walk)………………Note to self: Next time I need to be better prepared when walking alone in the neighborhood! …………also…………..Another Note to self: I need to get a grip on my imagination! (Lately, I've got this thing about being stalked by dangerous animals!)

Photo courtesy of the Internet

My Fake $15.00 Walgreen Hair....

The sun's a-shinin'.........the birds are chirpin'..........it's going to be a 70-80 degree day here in Michigan today.................yes, girlfriends........."Spring is Here!" ...................and I'm Happy! (.............and you know how everyone's a whole lot happier in my neighborhood - when I'm HAPPY..............)

.........AND.................I'm NOT one to BRAG............(well, maybe I am)...............(no, just kidding - not really)....................(ok.......... I am).....................BUT I DO have to SAY that I'm looking AWESOME today in my bermuda shorts, sandles, tan legs, sassy pink pull over...............AND.................MY New "Fake $15.00 Walgreen Hair!" ..............................(yes .............you know it..............today is the day, girlfriends......... that I'm sportin' my new hair.............first time ever...........)

And I look 'Fabulous!' (don't ya think?)..................not to mention that I look skinny in these pictures............... (oh....how I love snapshots that make me look skinny!)

I'm spending the entire day thinking of places I can go today to show off my "Fake $15.00 Walgreen Hair!".............because I don't think I've ever wore FAKE HAIR.........ever....................in my entire life............

Photos of ME!

I'm BURPING UP MOLD & I think I have a TAPEWORM!

Yesterday I ate onion roll-ups on the way to work. I burped up onions all morning long…………can you say “ONION BREATH?” …………so the burping went on all morning till I popped a VIVARIN…………then I started BURPING UP MOLD…………………(evidently, ONION plus VIVARIN equals MOLD).........not a good taste, BY THE WAY………….……..

I heard that Scientists say the higher your I.Q. – the more you dream…………hellloooooooo………….did you read my post last month, regarding my dreaming? .........Yes, I DREAM - Like EVERY NIGHT..........who woulda' thunk it.......... http://mylifeasjenny.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-name-is-jennyand-im-dreamer.html (.............well - it really doesn't surprise me that I'm a lot smarter than I thought I was!)

I also heard that a person remains conscious for eight seconds after being decapitated………….and we know this HOW?.........and why the FREAK would we want to know this...............this just reinforces my feelings that the world SCARES ME!

Oh, and yesterday afternoon - I had stomach issues.............I mean - BAD stomach issues...................I think it was the HAM from my 'onion roll-ups'...........(NOTE TO SELF: Don't eat the HAM!)..............But, it might have been a "TAPEWORM"............movin' around inside me..........which really grosses me out when I think about it...............(the thought of live things living inside me really freaks me out)..........I mean.......don't worms multiply.............and then they'll travel to my head through my veins and start eating my brain...............(I really can't afford to start losing brain cells......if you know what I mean).................I don't like to think about rather I have tapeworms or not.........although if I had a tapeworm, wouldn't I be skinny..............(probably not a tapeworm, then)...............I haven't had a stomach ache in like - forever................I seriously was waiting for an ALIEN to rip out of my stomach.............like some spaceship horror movie gone wild..................and I looked pregnant.......(yeah, I was pregnant, that's it)...........yeah, that would explain a lot .............like why I'm FAT........ helllloooooo........or why I wanna eat constantly............and why my stomach felt like it had something LIVE moving around in it...............BUT as I sat patiently waiting to give birth in the porcelain tower last night - I can assure you that I wasn't pregnant...............(if you know what I mean!) NO MORE HAM FOR ME!
Photo Courtesy of the Internet