It was my birthday........and not another gnome....

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago, people ...

(....yeah...... for all you people who didn't wish me a happy birthday....YOU SUCK!......)  

Anyway - I'm over it now...

....but a good friend of mine (who DID remember my birthday....)

and who shall remain nameless...(Judi)

 sent me a gift.....

Yeah.....so imagine my surprise to get a package in the mail

from my dear friend - 

I tear into the package with enthusiasm and anticipation to see

.

.

.

.

a freakin'  

"Travelocity Roaming Gnome Luggage Tag"

 

.......

(Damn you, Judi!)

Imagine my surprise...........Garden Gnomes in MY yard!

I've been out of town for 3 weeks.  Imagine my surprise when I returned home to find my yard full of Garden Gnomes.   Yes ................. I'd like to thank the kind person who decided that it would be a hilarious idea to fill my yard with garden gnomes while I was away!

Just so you know ...... I WILL find you!  I don't know when and I don't know how - but I will find out who you are..............and I will hurt you!   .......(.....I'm just sayin'.........)..  

'Oh Gnome You Don't!' Board Game? You Gotta be 'FREAKIN' Kidding Me!

........so I'm online shopping the other day for board games for my family and look what popped up on my screen......

 

.......a FLIPPIN' Gnome Board Game..............

....so the description of the game is as follows:

“Oh Gnome You Don’t!” Board Game  2-5 players,  ages 13+,  90 minutes  It’s adventure time for gnomes as they travel and gather items along the forest trail.  Typically cheerful and friendly, the little gnomes let greed and aggression get the best of them as they get into brawls, play tricks, and set traps to be able to grab up and trade for the most gems by the end of the game. 

It’s a Gnome-tastic Adventure!!

 A 'GNOME'-tastic Adventure?

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME? 

Who the H*LL buys this shit, anyway?

 ........like I want this kind of freaky stuff laying around my house! 

 

Happy Freakin' Friday, People!

Alright……..enough already about the parasitic problems in my head……looks like they’ve taken care of themselves on their own...thank you very much, my friends.....   And I realize now that the ‘parasitic worms’ and ‘nesting tarantula hatchlings’ were just a figment of my imagination and I have to admit that they WERE NEVER REAL, and they NEVER REALLY EXISTED!   (....at least that's what I keep telling myself.....until the voices in my head start telling me otherwise..........)


Oh, and my good friend, Sherri - over at "The Mess that is my Mind" talked me into rubbing 'Cat Piss' all over my body!

Well, hey…..she told me that Cat Pee repels garden gnomes and since Sherri and I are ‘Blogging BFF’s’ and all….    (….well, Sherri doesn’t really know that we’re best friends….....BUT WE ARE..........I don't care what SHE SAYS - WE ARE, Damn it!)

....(…kinda like most of my friends don’t really know that they’re my best friends….)....

....(…they just play along with me…because they don’t want to hurt my feeling……either that or they’re scared of me…….) ...

....I’m just sayin’…….

So NOW I’m walking around smelling like Cat Piss ……..and my dog keeps trying to have sex with my leg!

              

More Random thoughts......

Random things going on with me today:

1.) My ‘Nasty Eye’ seems to be healing quite nicely on its own today - thank you very much………(...…at least I THINK it is…)….....It’s not as puffy, red and nasty looking today.......... the swelling has gone down, and it doesn’t hurt as much as it did yesterday! ….(…altho, I can’t really be sure….since I’m high on Benadryl and Motrin right now..)

2.) I ate an entire cheesecake on the way to work this morning! (….just thought I'd let you all know what a pig I am...…)

3.) I’ve been noticing what with spring around the corner; all of the stores have their spring gardening supplies and yard decorations out.  Wouldn’t you know that the hot item this year is ‘freakin’ garden gnomes…..everywhere I look!   Are you freakin’ kidding me………I went down an aisle the other day, and there must have been about five or six rows of the ‘freakin’ things……just glaring at me from atop their shelves……what the H*LL is wrong with people! And who the H*LL buys these things, anyway, I ask you?

4.) The bad news is that my tooth hurts today…..my tooth gum is red, lumpy and puffy and it hurts..….kinda like I have a popcorn kernel stuck in it……only I HAVEN'T eaten any popcorn lately…….so I can’t be sure - but I’m fairly positive that A.) the parasitic worm that was in my eyeball yesterday has left my right eyeball and traveled to my tooth today  .....OR   B.) I’m growing fangs and turning into a vampire! .......I’ll keep you posted!
    
                     

Just another Garden Gnome? .....I DON'T THINK SO!

 ..................HELLLOOOOOO........People....this is the kind of SH*T that I'm talking about!  

"How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack"....Have YOU Bought the Book yet?

Hi guys! Have you been to the ‘My Life As Jenny Store” yet? .....over on the right side bar of this blog……...you see it……..it has a green caption/header that reads “My Life As Jenny Store”………right over there on the right.......…featuring the ‘How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack’ book……..

…….well…….if you haven’t checked it out, you had better……(just some little friendly advice from a girl who has a unhealthy fixation on being attacked by these ugly red hat-ed warriors)  it won’t take long to check out the store (since there’s only one thing featured in the store....hellloooooo........for now, anyway.....) ….but it’s this one little book that’s gonna make a difference in your life, people…..so you better check it out ….. “How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They will)” by Chuck Sambuchino.  (This is a great book.....I've read it so many times that you won't find me being unprepared when the devil dwarfs decide to attack....no-sirree-bob...I'm actually becoming quite the expert in garden gnome defense.....just so you know...)

 

Chuck Sambuchino is currently my HERO! He’s a brilliant man who wrote this book about the upcoming invasion of the Garden Gnomes. As far as I KNOW, he’s the only one that has been brave enough to warn us all about the murderous dwarfs. Oh, and besides writing, Chuck loves music, plays guitar and piano in a rock cover band (how cool is that) and he loves chocolate chip cookies. And he’s HOT …………(….I’m just sayin’)……..


YOU GOTTA GET THIS BOOK, PEOPLE……..in it, Chuck, talks about the looming dangers that garden gnomes present to America’s suburbs and rural areas. "As many as 10 percent of unsolved cold cases probably involve garden gnomes," Sambuchino told AOL News. "It's a serious problem."   (..the book is only 106 pages long, so don't panic....even slow readers can manage this.....trust me......)

Key points featured in the book:
1.) Which areas of the country are more prone to garden gnome attacks, as well as keys to determining whether you're at risk.  (Are you at risk?)  (maybe you ought ta read the book.....you think?)

2.) Did you know that garden gnomes use a variety of weapons for their fiendish attacks, including slingshots, axes and spears, but their killing tool is the scythe?  (Important information, so try to keep up!)

3.) Mr. Sambuchino also claims that garden gnomes are most likely to attack during storms.  Do you know why?  (..........probably NOT cause' you haven't read the 'freakin' book.....)
"The rain hitting the roof masks the sound of drilling through the wall," he said. "They attack you in bed, which is why I recommend making paper-mache copies of yourself and putting them in the other bedrooms. That way, if they attack you, you have time to see it happening and escape."  (By God, he's a Genius, I tell you!)

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only survival guide that instructs you on how to prevent and ward off a home invasion and eradicate them from your property for good.  In the unfortunate event of an actual attack, it will prepare you for battle, outlining dozens of possible encounter scenarios and defense strategies. 

.....Don't think you have anything to worry about?  ............Don't think the 'garden gnomes' are anything that you really have to worry about? ..............Are you really willing to take that chance? 
Source: When Garden Gnomes Attack by David Moye/Aol News (Sept 22, 2010)
http://www.aolnews.com/discuss/2010/09/22/hold-for-buck-edited-when-garden-gnomes-attack#gcpDiscussPageUrlAnchor

Gnomeo and Juliet .......You've Got To Be Kidding ME!

A friend of mine (well ....she used to be a friend of mine) (.....until she showed me this trailer for the new Disney Movie...)

'GNOMEO and JULIET'..........you've got to be kidding me!

This is just all of my worst nightmares tied up into one 'Disney Movie Gone Wrong', People!

There are no words right now! I'm at a lost! I feel sick to my stomach and I actually just threw up in my mouth and swallowed it!

I've been telling you for years that the Garden Gnomes come to life at night while we're not watching!  SO THERE YOU GO!

(This is even FAR WORSE than when THAT HOUSE fell on my sister!)

I have to 'Poop' ............and helllloooooo.......it's All About Me!

Random things that you may not know about me.......

I have an unhealthy obsession with my dislike of 'Garden Gnomes' and it seems to be taking over my life right now......

When carrying on a conversation with me, you'll find that I'll be a lot more interested in what you have to say if we constantly talk about me!

I used to be a 'teller' at a bank.  I worked in a small cubicle right next to about 4 to 5 other tellers like myself.  We worked side by side each day taking care of customers transactions.  If any of us had to take a break, we'd tell another teller and shut down our window.  One of my good friends worked as a teller, too, and whenever I had to 'take a break', I would say, "Hey, Shannen, I gotta poop."  She hated it when I said that.........that's probably why I continued doing it.........(I'm just sayin')........

I have a brand new treadmill in my basement and I haven't used it in ......'I don't know how long'........yeah......that's how lazy I am.........

There's a festival in my home town in 3 weeks and I'll be seeing a lot of old friends that I haven't seen in awhile.........so basically I have 3 weeks to get a suntan, lose 30 pounds, and get rid of all these wrinkles......(wish me luck, will ya..................)

If something funny (or not so funny) happens in my life.............TRUST ME...........I'll BLOG about it!  ......ah.........why, you ask?...................helllooooooo............because it's 'All About Me', remember...................
                                   
(Photo courtesy of the internet)

"Gnomeland Security", I Got A Sliver in my LIP, and I Wanna Retire!

I’m boycotting ‘Travelocity’ (by the way) .......that is - until they get rid of that ‘Stupid Little Gnome’ that keeps popping up on all of their commercials…………….enough already with the gnome! ………….. (Obviously, they don’t read my blog!)

Oh, and I almost forgot…………………we hung out with friends over Memorial Day weekend and one of our good friends, (we’ll call him Sexy-Rexy), had a shirt on that he wore just for me..............yes, JUST FOR ME!    It read:   GNOMELAND SECURITY!    And it had a picture of a gnome with a slash over it!     WAY TOO COOL!       Sexy Rexy’s hot little wife, (we’ll call her Porscha), bought it down state at some ‘Gnome Bar’ that she went to this spring……(what she's doing entering gnome bars is beyond me)........…..But she did buy it WITH ME IN MIND……….helllloooooo………that’s one good friend that understands it’s ALL ABOUT ME!  (Willing to sacrifice entering a 'gnome lair' and all..................)

BY THE WAY..........I ASK YOU........what ‘Demented Freak’ would have a ‘Gnome Bar’??………………I’m just saying?!

And while I'm on the subject of FREAKS......................Ever GET A SLIVER in your lip while applying lip liner - using a wooden lip liner pencil - that needs to be sharpened?     Well, just so you know………………”IT AIN'T PRETTY, GIRLFRIENDS!”…………and now I look like I have a big ‘cold sore’ on my top lip………(but it’s NOT a cold sore, people……… it’s a ‘SLIVER’) ……………..and I think it’s infected and swollen………..and now it looks like a BIG ZIT! ………and it hurts to brush my teeth…………...and to smile!  (NOTE TO SELF:  Remember to sharpen lip liner pencil before I apply it to my 'enlarged puss filled vampire lip!')

Oh……and talking about being in public with my 'huge elephant man lip"...............does ANYONE know of any legitimate home based business that I can GET RICH QUICK  while working from home………..I seriously want to retire!   Not that I don’t like my job, girlfriends…(just in case my boss is reading this, that is).........…..but I’m getting LAZY and I’m sick of working everyday……..............FACE IT..........I’d rather be home - cleaning my house - and hanging laundry on the line -and baking goodies for HairyMan - and enjoying the sun - and working in my yard - and relaxing in my hot-tub and - watching Jerry Springer re-runs all day………..but HairyMan says I have to find another income, if I want to leave my job………SO..... UNLESS I win the lottery, (which is more than likely NOT going to happen since I never buy a ticket)..........OR........ UNLESS I get a night job selling myself on the corner of Division and 32nd Street, (which…….between you and I………..I don’t think people are actually gonna pay A LOT of money to see me naked)…………I think I’m pretty much screwed and I have a feeling it’s gonna be a while till I get to retire………….UNLESS…..any of you have a plan that you’d be willing to share!

Garden Gnomes

Let’s talk about “Garden Gnomes!” You know the ones.......the non-mistakable little ceramic statues of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarf" look-a-likes with rosey cheeks and tall, pointy, bright red hats!

 "I HATE THE THINGS!" I hate them with a passion! They seriously freak me out! Why anyone would want them to adorn their yards or flower beds is beyond me!

I just don't understand the obsession with these "evil pygmies" with their nonchalant smirks!"

They scare me! They scare me bad! If one of those things were adorning my yard, I'd never be able to sleep! I just KNOW that when everyone sleeps at night, they come to life and reek havoc on all of us innocent people! I just know it! My greatest fear is that they are multiplying and plotting to do away with us humans and make the earth their world one day!

And have you noticed that most of them are holding picks or shovels? HELLLOOOO......... Shouldn't that be a dead give-away, people?

 

And another thing........I know that when we aren't looking, they must urinate all over my plants with their "acid urine". And I know these wicked little midgeits sneak into my laundry room during the day and steal socks.....not a pair of socks, no.....just one sock. And they do this just to taunt me, I know.

My mother and father have decided to use these little misfits to decorate their flower beds, (against my better judgement.) My parents not only have one of these scary little useless "Dwarf Wanna-Be's", but they have about 3 or 4 of them. Every time I visit my parents house, I encourage my folks to get rid of them, for fear that the wicked little creatures will do away with my parents one day. For that, I know that these little creatures hate me, too, and have plans to do away with me, as well. I know they know "I'm on to them!" And I know, as I turn my back to walk into the house, they frown and plot against me.

And is it really my imagination, but they never seem to stay in the same spot. "Wasn't that little gnome by the garage door, next to the lilacs when I went to sleep last night?" "Why is it this morning, it's on the other side of the garage, next to the sunflowers and the windmill?"

I just know that someday when I awaken from a nightmare, there will be an evil little gnome with his bright blood-red hat, standing over me, with a shovel in his hand, howling with evil laughter with plans to do away with me. And I just hope I'm ready! Let's all be ready!

Photo courtesy of snibblebut.tripod.com