Job Randomness.....

I've decided I'm gonna quit my job!  I've decided that I really don't wanna work any more. ......I've got too much other stuff that I wanna do......and I don't have time to work ......working's taking up far too much of my time these days and I don't have enough time for all my other activities...(..like being 'Hairymans' Trophy wife - and other important things.....)....

I've been weighing my options.................I'll quit my job, I'll lose a lot of weight and become a stripper.....(....not necessarily in that order..)...I think I'll lose the weight first, then quit my job - then probably preform on amateur night in some local bar............... then maybe start stripping full time....maybe become the headline act in a really classy joint.

If things don't turn out with my stripping career, maybe I'll become a cop!  I'll go to a police academy and perfect my shooting skills ....maybe even become a master of the 'nunchucks'.....

I've also decided that I want to star in my own sitcom......   I think I'd be great in a sitcom!  You guys would watch it, wouldn't you?  ..(...well.....of course you would....)   I could talk about myself and the whole show would be about how awesome I am!  And we'll call it 'My life as Jenny'  ........I'm a 'FREAKIN' GENIUS' - I tell you!  Freakin' Genius!

 

In fact.....I think I'll start writing the script tonight......I'll keep you posted!

Later....

Happy Freakin' New Year People!

It’s 2011!     (Time sure does fly when you're drunk and high on vivarin, don't it?)   Everywhere I turn, someone’s wishing me a HAPPY NEW YEAR…....….wishing me a great ‘2011’…..hoping I have good health……or good wealth or something like that - in the coming year…...…wishing me a great year of good luck….. …...…..you know what I’m talking about, right?

WELL……….all of these well wishes for the New Year has got me thinking…..I’m not gonna ‘wish you guys anything’……..(just so you know)…….I’m gonna give you a list of things that I hope DON’T Happen to you in 2011……….

SO....................MY HOPES FOR YOU IN 2011 are as follows:

1.) I hope you don’t die! (………cause that would totally suck………)

2.) I hope you don’t gain 30 pounds….or 40 pounds! (….even tho it makes ME look a whole lot better when I’m standing next to fat people!)

3.) I hope you don’t go out and do something stupid...that you may regret, later! (..... like get a tattoo of a ‘skull and cross bones’ on your forehead………or shave your eyebrows completely off!)
4.) I hope you don’t get attacked by ‘Garden Gnomes’!

5.) I hope you don’t poop your pants in Church one Sunday!

6.) I hope you don’t accidentally kill a homeless guy who’s walking along the side of the road……… while your driving …… and you think he’s dead……. so you bury his body in the ditch and pretend it didn’t happen…….. and then he comes back to stalk you like a maniacal killer……because he really wasn’t dead!  (........I'm just sayin'.........)

7.) I hope you don’t win the lottery........ blow all your money......get arrested for 'Tax Fraud' .........and end up in prison .........with a cell-mate named 'Shirley' .........who makes you her bitch!

8.) I hope you don’t get uncontrollably drunk one night….and wake up the next morning alone in a cemetery..…with your front teeth missing and someone’s underwear on your head!

9.) I hope you don’t get savagely attacked by a couple of rabid raccoons one night when you’re taking out the garbage!
                            BUT MOST OF ALL..............
10.) I hope you don’t wake up one morning……….decide that I’m a complete moron ……..and decide not to read my blog anymore!
                                      
                                                   

"Gnomeland Security", I Got A Sliver in my LIP, and I Wanna Retire!

I’m boycotting ‘Travelocity’ (by the way) .......that is - until they get rid of that ‘Stupid Little Gnome’ that keeps popping up on all of their commercials…………….enough already with the gnome! ………….. (Obviously, they don’t read my blog!)

Oh, and I almost forgot…………………we hung out with friends over Memorial Day weekend and one of our good friends, (we’ll call him Sexy-Rexy), had a shirt on that he wore just for me..............yes, JUST FOR ME!    It read:   GNOMELAND SECURITY!    And it had a picture of a gnome with a slash over it!     WAY TOO COOL!       Sexy Rexy’s hot little wife, (we’ll call her Porscha), bought it down state at some ‘Gnome Bar’ that she went to this spring……(what she's doing entering gnome bars is beyond me)........…..But she did buy it WITH ME IN MIND……….helllloooooo………that’s one good friend that understands it’s ALL ABOUT ME!  (Willing to sacrifice entering a 'gnome lair' and all..................)

BY THE WAY..........I ASK YOU........what ‘Demented Freak’ would have a ‘Gnome Bar’??………………I’m just saying?!

And while I'm on the subject of FREAKS......................Ever GET A SLIVER in your lip while applying lip liner - using a wooden lip liner pencil - that needs to be sharpened?     Well, just so you know………………”IT AIN'T PRETTY, GIRLFRIENDS!”…………and now I look like I have a big ‘cold sore’ on my top lip………(but it’s NOT a cold sore, people……… it’s a ‘SLIVER’) ……………..and I think it’s infected and swollen………..and now it looks like a BIG ZIT! ………and it hurts to brush my teeth…………...and to smile!  (NOTE TO SELF:  Remember to sharpen lip liner pencil before I apply it to my 'enlarged puss filled vampire lip!')

Oh……and talking about being in public with my 'huge elephant man lip"...............does ANYONE know of any legitimate home based business that I can GET RICH QUICK  while working from home………..I seriously want to retire!   Not that I don’t like my job, girlfriends…(just in case my boss is reading this, that is).........…..but I’m getting LAZY and I’m sick of working everyday……..............FACE IT..........I’d rather be home - cleaning my house - and hanging laundry on the line -and baking goodies for HairyMan - and enjoying the sun - and working in my yard - and relaxing in my hot-tub and - watching Jerry Springer re-runs all day………..but HairyMan says I have to find another income, if I want to leave my job………SO..... UNLESS I win the lottery, (which is more than likely NOT going to happen since I never buy a ticket)..........OR........ UNLESS I get a night job selling myself on the corner of Division and 32nd Street, (which…….between you and I………..I don’t think people are actually gonna pay A LOT of money to see me naked)…………I think I’m pretty much screwed and I have a feeling it’s gonna be a while till I get to retire………….UNLESS…..any of you have a plan that you’d be willing to share!

Dear Jules.............

Dear Jules.................. I'm dumping you! I have a new Best Friend, now! .............

You've been way too busy plastering her real estate ads on the sides of buses, benches and grocery carts.............and you haven't been devoting enough time toward our friendship...............I also decided you're hanging out with your ex-husband, Bobby, too much, and to tell you the truth, I was getting sick of Ellie and Laurie, fighting all the time - and always having to hang out with us...................heelllllooooo....... I NEED attention, girlfriend!...........so quit calling me, Jules..............we're NOT getting back together! .......................Well, not unless you wanna set me up with your neighbor, Grayson! (.....because he's HOT!.................and then I may forgive you..............................and we can be friends again!)

But I'd have to talk to Joy...................my new Best Friend - Joy ................Joy Stark (you know.........from 'Til Death')...............my new friend that I dumped you for..................(she doesn't know that I'm her best friend ...........and that I'm stalking her, but I am).....................hey...........in my LITTLE world - we're best friends, OK?............ (and we get along great..........and we like to 'hang out'..........) she's married to Eddie (you know - Eddie Stark..........the big guy)............and Joy and I have a LOT more in common than you and I ever did! And she pays MORE attention to me!..................helllloooooo........I NEED attention!

Joy and me both love Vodka (we drink in morning, noon and night.............we fill our ice cube trays with it and carry flasks in our purses) Joy and I are both married to hairy men ......and we love them (even tho we think they're idiots...and they drive us nuts) Joy and I have big boobs...............(Jules - face it.............you haven't really been blessed in that area.......Sorry, girlfriend.) Joy and I both THINK we're hotter than we actually are .....(Jules - you've got to admit that YOU ARE Hotter than most people.) Joy and I both like to be the center of attention! (Face it Jules...........everywhere we went YOU were always getting MORE attention than me!)

Well - that's it, Jules............sorry we can't be friends anymore.................I mean, I guess we can be friends - just not BFF's!

PS.........I've changed my number - so don't try to call me!

Photos courtesy of the internet

I Want to look like Barbie!

My friends and I were chatting the other day, talking about growing old, putting on weight, getting saggy and wrinkly all over, and letting ourselves go with age. We were thinking of people who we want to look like. We were playing the “I would love to have _____________ body!” or “I want to look like _________________!”

Eva Longoria’s name came up. Faith Hills name came up. Carrie Underwoods name came up, along with Angelina Jolie (as her Tomb Raider character, of course.)

Well, I decided that I want to look like a “Barbie Doll!” (Yes, I know...... I know………. I’m setting myself up for an unrealistic expectation! But a girl can dream!)

I want to be Barbie!

I want to have long flowing platinum blond hair, long thin legs, perfect perky breasts, a flawless complexion, a tiny waist, an “ass-to-die-for” and I want to walk around all day in a bathing suit!

Who wouldn’t want to be Barbie? She’s got it all! …………….The Dream House, the Pink Corvette, lots of stylish clothes, she’s always in stilettos, always up on the latest trends and she has lots of good looking fashionable friends always hanging around her.

She lost all of her weight after having babies and her friend Skipper is always around to baby-sit………….not to mention she has a hunky blond boyfriend, named Ken! (And I’ve heard GI Joe is always trying to get her number, because he wants to go out with her, too!)

Well, to make a long story short………………Not Gonna Happen!

Here’s the realistic picture of what I'd look like as Barbie! .........................……….I’m gonna look like the “Barbie Got Old” version, or the “Barbie Got Fat” version or the “Barbie Let Herself Go” version of the doll.

Kinda like this……………..

I’ll be the Barbie that’s sitting around doing nothing, on my computer, eating Cheeseburgers and French Fries, drinking Beer and having completely put on too much weight! Yeah, that's me!

Photo courtesy of the internet