Dear Jules.................. I'm dumping you! I have a new Best Friend, now! .............
You've been way too busy plastering her real estate ads on the sides of buses, benches and grocery carts.............and you haven't been devoting enough time toward our friendship...............I also decided you're hanging out with your ex-husband, Bobby, too much, and to tell you the truth, I was getting sick of Ellie and Laurie, fighting all the time - and always having to hang out with us...................heelllllooooo.......
I NEED attention, girlfriend!...........so quit calling me, Jules..............we're NOT getting back together! .......................Well, not unless you wanna set me up with your neighbor, Grayson!
(.....because he's HOT!.................and then I may forgive you..............................and we can be friends again!) 
But I'd have to talk to Joy...................my new Best Friend - Joy ................Joy Stark (you know.........from 'Til Death')...............my new friend that I dumped you for..................(she doesn't know that I'm her best friend ...........and that I'm stalking her, but I am).....................hey...........in my LITTLE world - we're best friends, OK?............ (and we get along great..........and we like to 'hang out'..........) she's married to Eddie (you know - Eddie Stark..........the big guy)............and Joy and I have a LOT more in common than you and I ever did! And she pays MORE attention to me!..................helllloooooo........I NEED attention!
Joy and me both love Vodka (we drink in morning, noon and night.............we fill our ice cube trays with it and carry flasks in our purses) Joy and I are both married to hairy men ......and we love them (even tho we think they're idiots...and they drive us nuts) Joy and I have big boobs...............(Jules - face it.............you haven't really been blessed in that area.......Sorry, girlfriend.) Joy and I both THINK we're hotter than we actually are .....(Jules - you've got to admit that YOU ARE Hotter than most people.) Joy and I both like to be the center of attention! (Face it Jules...........everywhere we went YOU were always getting MORE attention than me!)
Well - that's it, Jules............sorry we can't be friends anymore.................I mean, I guess we can be friends - just not BFF's!
PS.........I've changed my number - so don't try to call me!
Photos courtesy of the internet
My BFF – JOY ……..(You know……..Joy Stark? ……from Til’ Death………..my BEST FRIEND?)...........……..we were drinking ‘Vodka Martinis’ last week at lunch……......……talking about the things we always talk about………….dissin’ ugly people and making fun of stupid people……………and she said, “Jenny, you look awesome today.” …...........…..and I said, “Whhhaaatttt?”………...........and she said, “Really, Jenny, you look fabulous. Your butt looks SO ‘Hot” in those jeans!”………........…..and I said, “GET OUT! You think so?”………………and she said, “Yes, you need to wear your ‘Coyote Ugly Butt-less Chaps’ more often!” ………….......……and I said, “AWESOME! Thanks for noticing! I've been doing a lot of KEGALS, lately...........You're a GREAT friend, Joy!" 
