Think it over, friends………….do you REALLY want to be stuck out in the middle of a river with me: 1.) while I’m trying to keep my balance. (Because I know you’re going to be PISSED at me if I make us flip.)
2.) while I’m trying to help you steer the canoe. (Because I know you’ll blame ME if we crash, get hung up in branches or get stuck on a stump.)
3.) while I’m trying to get a sun-tan. (The sole purpose of going canoeing in the first place.)
4.) while trying to keep from spilling my cocktail all over the bottom of the canoe.
(HEELLLOOOO….what’s being on the river if not with a cocktail!) AND 5.) while I try to stay beautiful “ALL AT THE SAME TIME!”
Keep in mind tha
t trying to stay beautiful would of course include 1.) sucking in my stomach at all times (to make myself appear thinner than I actually am), 2.) making sure that no part of my body is in the shade at any given time (thus the tan), 3.) making sure my mascara is not running down my cheeks and that my make-up is still intact, 4.) keeping my hair in place and 5.) making sure my bosoms are not falling out of my swimsuit top! (Which is probably too little to begin with!)………………….Now let us jump into the PAST (about 12 years) so that I can take you on my little “canoe trip of a lifetime”……………………….
My 2 friends, Kelly and Kelly, and I decide to go canoeing one hot, sunny, summer afternoon. The plan is that all three of us are going to ride in 1 canoe down the river for the day, (while getting sun, drinking cocktails and having a blast!) ……….that is the plan anyway!
So, here we are, packed into a canoe, with all of our stuff. Kelly and Kelly have, of course, all the proper canoeing necessities.………….. one little (waterproof) bag, (to hold suntan oil, chapstick, and keys). They each have one towel, one lifejacket and a mini cooler. Well, I guess I didn’t read the “Canoe Manual” on what to bring canoeing, because I showed up with enough stuff to last me 3 days down the river. How am I supposed to know what the ‘rules of the river’ are? I’ve never actually BEEN canoeing!
They put me in the middle, (probably a good plan) and away we go……….
Kelly 1: (In an irritated tone of voice, from up front.) “Jenny……..are you gonna help paddle, or what? You aren’t helping at all.” (She turns around to look at me!) “Are you putting on lipstick? Why the hell are you doing that? We’re on a river, for gosh sakes! Who’s gonna see you? Pick up the stinkin’ paddle and help us out, will you? Who brings lipstick on a canoe trip anyway? Is that eye shadow you have on? Unbelievable!”
Jenny: “I have to pee!”
Kelly 1: “We JUST got on the water, you’re gonna have to hold it!”
Jenny: “And what’s with all the rope? Why do we have to tie everything down?”
Kelly 2: “What’s with all the flies? There are black horse flies all over and they keep biting me…………. And what’s that smell? Jenny, are you wearing perfume? We have to tie everything down, so if the canoe tips over, we won’t lose anything.”
Jenny: “What’s wrong with wearing perfume…….what’s the big deal? And the canoe better not flip……….I don’t plan on getting my hair wet today! I’ll be pissed! You guys better not make us flip over!”
Kelly 2: “The big deal is that you’re attracting flies and bugs with all that perfume you have on, and we’re getting bit up all to Hell! We’re gonna have to pull over at the next sandy spot, so you can get in the water and wash that shit off!”
Jenny: “How the Hell was I suppose to know……….you didn’t tell me anything about this trip or what I was suppose to do or not to do! Calm down and I’ll jump in…………I have to pee, anyway.”
Jenny: (After we’re all back in the canoe.) “Do I look fat in this suit?”
Kelly 1: “No you don’t look fat……….….geez!” Who cares anyway………no ones out here but us! Hey, pay attention to what you’re doing…….what do you have in that cooler anyway………why didn’t you just bring beer like Kelly and Me? Then you wouldn’t have had to mess around trying to mix a drink and rocking the canoe. Hey, pass me a beer, will you, Kelly?”
Kelly 2: “Jenny, you’re starting to burn……..your shoulders are getting red!”
Jenny: “I’m fine…………………………..……….I have to pee again! Are you sure I don’t look fat? Hey, Kelly, do I look fat from back there?”
Kelly 1: “Oh my gosh…………………………………….. Tell me you didn’t just “hair spray” you’re hair. Jenny, we’re in a canoe in the water!”
Jenny: “I told you I had to pee………………can we stop again?”
(While stopped on the side of the river again, on another sandy spot) Jenny: “Hey, Kelly……..look at me, do I have black under my eyes? Is my mascara running?”
Kelly 2: “Hey, Kelly, pass me another beer, will you? Jenny………..what are you doing?”
Jenny: (standing on the shore) Trying to look sexy in case a group of guys come floating around the bend? I don’t want to look fat. See………..I can hold my stomach in and I look really thin – or I can push it out and look fat…………………………suck it in……………….push it out……………………….suck it in…………………….push it out! OH, like you guys have never done that!”
Kelly 1: “Jenny, get in the dam canoe!”
Kelly 2: (Back in the canoe, in the water) “Jenny, what are you drinking? You have red stuff all down the front of you!”
Jenny: “Shit, I just dropped my lipstick in the water! We need to turn around! Hey, we need to stop again………I’ve gotta rinse the ‘Slow Gin’ off my front and man, now it’s all over my towel. And how’d my towel get so wet, anyway……………that’s OK, I brought an extra towel? Do you guys need another one? I’ve gotta find my lipstick, did you guys see it? Now I’ve gotta pee again.”
(While stopped on the side of the river again, on another sandy spot) Kelly 2: “Jenny, what are you drinking with that Slow Gin? What do you have in your cooler, anyway? Do you know Slow Gin stains………….you’ve got it all over your suit! And what do you have, the smallest bladder in the world………….what’s up with your peeing all the time? Kelly and I haven’t even had to go but once or twice!”
Jenny: “It’s probably my water pill.
Kelly 1: “What water pill?”
Jenny: “The one I took this morning before we left! What’s the big deal….they help me look thinner!”
Kelly 1: “Are you kidding me? Get in the dam canoe, Jenny!”
Jenny: “Shit, I just spilled my drink in the bottom of the canoe! You guys are gonna kill me………now your towels are all stained red too! And that was the last of my Slow Gin…………………Hey, no worries………I’ve got Tequila and lemons in my cooler………oh, dam, I think I forget the margarita mix, SHIT! Let me get the knife out, to cut my lemon! And I have salt………wanna do some 'body shots'?”
Kelly 2: (Back in the canoe, in the water) “Jenny, quit moving around……….your rockin’ the canoe and we’re gonna flip! Jenny are you listening? Pay attention, we’re headed for that tree stump……..you see it………….that thing jutting out of the water up ahead………………….”
Jenny: “Just a minute, I’m making myself another drink! And something stinks, I think it’s me. Do you guys smell ‘BO’? Hang on……..I gotta get my deodorant!”
Kelly 1: “Jenny, quit messing around, we’re gonna tip……………..help us paddle!”
Jenny: “Do you guys need another drink? Want some tequila?”
Kelly 1: “SHIT! SHIT!”
Kelly 2: “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!..................JJJJJENNNNYYYY!”
(Floating down the river – now OUT of the canoe, canoe upside down, shit all over………..the three of us soaked and wet!”)
Jenny: “Dammit, get my stuff………I’m losing everything!”
Kelly 1: “Maybe you should have tied things to the canoe, Einstein!”
Kelly 2: “We got to get the canoe tipped right side up and get the water out of it!”
Jenny: “Hey, a little help would be nice……………I’m losing my stuff! Kelly, grab my cooler! I can’t find my makeup bag! Is that my towel?”
I’m sitting here laughing my butt off, just re-telling the story. I left a lot out from that day, but you get the basic “flow” of our little trip. We had a blast that day! It was one of the most memorable days I’ve had with my good friends. And one of the most fun! The 3 of us still talk about it when we see each other and give ourselves a good laugh! It is a miracle that we made it down the river alive!
Photo - Book Cover by Laura Lee Hope "The Outdoor Girls on a Canoe Trip"
Jenny- you are a woman after my own heart! You make perfect sense to me. The Kelly's are a bit rigid, in my humble opinion.
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