This Can't Be Me!

Holy Moses! Is that really me? I LOOK GROSS! (I’m looking at my naked body in the mirror, by the way.)

I just got out of the shower, am dripping wet, standing in front of the full length mirror in my bathroom, drying myself off. OK………...quit looking, Jenny…………maybe if I dry myself off and comb my hair, I’ll look better…………(I look again)………. No, guess not!

My hips are huge! No wonder my jeans don’t fit! No wonder I have to unbutton them all the time!

I turn around to look at my butt in the mirror!........... Oh My Gosh! My butt is enormous! And what’s with all those little dimples and divots ……….……”Holy Cottage Cheese Thighs!” That can’t be MY butt! “Wasn’t it just yesterday that my ass looked phenomenal in my coyote ugly butt-less chaps?”

And where’d that little gap go? (The one that used to be between my thighs when I stand with my knees together.) My thighs are touching for gosh sakes, they’re rubbing together, and probably chafing with every move I make! ………………. Note To Self: I need to buy Baby Powder!

Holy Toledo! What’s with all that skin hanging from my waist? No, wait a minute, on second thought, what waist….I have no waist! Rolls, Rolls, Rolls………everywhere I look, more rolls! Where’s my stomach? Where’s my abs of steel? ………….Oh my God, is that my belly button? (And to think that it used to be pierced!) My belly button now looks like a huge “crater” in my midriff of fat! It’s disgusting!

Isn’t it summer out? Why am I so pale? Shouldn’t I be tan? Normally at this time of year, I have a healthy brown glow about me. I look sickly! All white and pasty looking. (I pinch myself to make sure I’m not dead!) …………….Note To Self: Make some tanning appointments!

And look at my complexion…… age spots, wrinkles, huge pores, and pimples (Aren’t I be too old to have acne?) And what’s with the coarse black hairs jutting out of my chin? Have I started growing a beard? By gosh, I think I have!

And I can’t possibly be the only middle-aged woman with little black hairs growing on her breasts? Not many, just a couple here and there…….Thank god that I pluck them every so often or the girls would be covered in hair! And weren’t they a lot perkier yesterday? Today, my nipples are pointing toward my feet!

And what’s with the uni-brow? Didn’t I just pluck my eyebrows last week? What am I now – Chewbacca? Where’s all this hair coming from? I have hair everywhere. I just shaved my legs last night, and now I can almost comb the hair on them!

My toenails are way too long…..they look like talons. It’s a wonder I haven’t turned over in bed at night and punctured Rob’s “Achilles” with them. And half of my toenails polish has worn off in some places……….have I actually been wearing sandals this summer, with my feet looking like this? What is wrong with me?

And my hairs wet, but it still looks like shit! When was the last time that I had it cut? I mean “Professionally Cut” by someone who actually knows how to cut hair. And what’s with the bangs? I think I remember getting drunk last night and giving myself bangs…….That would explain all the hair in the wastebasket in the bathroom. So I wake up this morning and now I have a new hairdo! What the Hell!
Note To Self: Quit cutting my own hair when I’m drinking!

I look pitiful! Where on earth did my youth go! It’s like I woke up this morning and I’ve turned into somebody’s overweight mother! This isn’t me. I’m a hot babe! I specifically remember having a waist, having perky boobs, a gap between my legs, and 2 distinctive eyebrows. No wonder I wear clothes every day…..I’ve got to cover this shit up! I have to disguise this beast of a body! There is no question that I definitely look better with my clothes on! Note To Self: “Don’t ever take my clothes off ever again!” "And quit eating Cheeseburgers!"

Photo courtesy of womenshealthmag.com