Bears

Bears! I hate bears! I have nightmares about being mauled by a grizzly bear. I've had reoccurring nightmares about bears since I've been little!

Face it, the only bears that I ever want to cross paths with in my life are 'Yogi Bear' and 'Winnie the Pooh!'

I don't go camping! I don't go for long walks in the woods! I would never go hiking in the mountains! I've always skipped the 'bear exhibit' at the zoo! And the list goes on............

Yes, it's one of my few phobias....right up there with 1.) losing a child, 2.) losing the ability to taste 3.) the fear that our earth will run out of Cheeseburgers in my lifetime, 4.) the "I Don't do Blood" thing I've got going on....and 5.) those evil little "Garden Gnomes." (And there's probably a few more, that I've forgotten at the moment.)

People say I'm silly, and I know I'm being ridiculous, the odds of being attacked by a bear are so very slim. But what can I say.....bears scare me!

They say if you encounter a bear in the woods, you're supposed to play dead! What do they mean, play dead? What's up with that? Let me get this straight, you want me to lie down, curl up in the fetal position, put my hands around the back of my neck and wait for God knows what? Are they crazy! And does this really work?

But what's the alternative.............I could try to run, but I've been told that no one can outrun a bear, (let alone me....who is pathetically out of shape and gets winded walking up a flight of stairs! I'd be dead for sure!)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want it to hurt! And I don't want it to include a lot of blood!

Excuse me if I have a hard time dropping to my knees and doing absolutely nothing but waiting for the bear to tear my flesh off and bite my bones in two. I don't want to hear my own bones being crushed and I don't want to smell the rancid breath of my soon to be killer. And what if the bear does grow tired of me, and after mutilating my body, decides to leave me...........we all know how great I am with the "blood thing!" Face it, I won't have a chance! If I survive the attack, I'll never survive all the blood!

Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt