What's with me and having to pee all of the time? Am I the only women around here that pees her pants? It never used to be like this. I used to be able to sit for hours or sleep all night long without having to get up and use the bathroom. While some women are cursed with varicose veins and some have arthritis, I guess I got stuck with "incontinence." Looking back, I must have seen it coming for a long time. ...............It all started with a dreaded burp back when I was in middle school.
My mother had asked my best friend Sue and I to walk to the supermarket and get her some groceries. She gave us her list of about 10 things and we were on our way. It was a windy cool afternoon and we only lived a few blocks from the grocery store. So there we are, shopping in the middle of the ketchup and mustard aisle, giggling and being normal middle school girls without a worry in the world. I’m pushing the shopping cart and trying to find everything on moms list. Of course, Sue thought it would be a riot to pick up random items off of the shelves and throw them into my shopping cart……..things that aren’t on moms list. So not only was I trying to put things from on the shopping list into my cart, I was also trying to remove all the items that did not belong in the shopping cart.
And then it happened.......... I can remember it as if it happened only days ago. There I was, stretched across the shopping cart seat, reaching for the box of Twinkies that simply didn’t belong in the bottom of my cart. I stretched…… I reached………. and as I started to open my mouth to say something to Sue, out came the biggest Burp that I had ever heard in my entire life. To this day, I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed a Burp louder than the one that escaped my lips that day in October.
So of course, Sue and I immediately stopped what we were doing, looked blank faced and wide eyed at each other and proceeded to laugh so hard, that I thought management would call security and usher us out of the grocery store. It was obvious that the entire store had witnessed my award winning, phenomenal burp, as it echoed through the aisles. Sue and I were laughing hysterically, both with tears streaming down our faces……..and then the unthinkable happens…….
Not only did I not foresee the coming of the dreaded 'belch" as it was let lose upon the innocent supermarket shoppers that day and not only did I have no control over the fits of laughter that followed this embarrassing scene, but evidently I had no control over any of my bodily functions, as well. There I was, in one of the aisles, next to the shopping cart and next to Sue, who is now bent over holding her stomach, in what I can only conclude is in pain due to her laughter. And that's when I knew all hope was gone and all control was completely lost. I immediately crossed my legs in the "Quit making me laugh, I'm gonna pee myself" pose. Both hands flew down to grab my crotch in an effort to hold back the pressure of what I knew was inevitably going to happen. I was powerless. And it all happened in less than a few minutes, I could no longer ignore the ever so slowly warm feeling developing between my legs and down the insides of my thighs. What's worse is that I had on my white jeans and not only were those white jeans getting damp, but they were also beginning to stain a light yellowish color in a specific area, that I care not to mention.
Lucky I had a light jacket on over a T-shirt, so I was able to tie the jacket around my waist for the walk home. I can't even remember if we ended up checking out and getting the groceries for my mother. It was so long ago. But I do remember Sue and I laughing the entire way back to my house.
And that's when it all started. My dreaded incontinence problem, and it has only gotten worse now that I am in my "Fabulous 40's". I don't dare laugh, cough, sneeze, dance, jump, or run at all .............for fear of "letting loose". But I guess it could be worse..................... I could have the dreaded curse of "anal leakage" on a day to day basis. So I guess my problem is not as bad as it could be, right?
Photo courtesy of Microsoft ClipArt