OK.........you'll love this. Guess what's next weekend. "My 25 year high school class reunion!"
(I guess we can't really classify it as an actual reunion because no actual planning has been involved and we haven't even been able to get a hold of everyone in our graduating class.....it's just a bunch of my fellow 'class of 1984' graduates that just decided to get together on a specific night and reminisce.)
And guess what. I'm not looking at all like I want to look if front of all these people! (Does that really Surprise you!)
I'm picturing ....oh, let's say, about 30 - 40 fellow classmates all standing around the reception hall, making small talk and telling various stories about their lives since high school....laughing, and having a grand ole' time. And all of a sudden, a light fog appears on the floor, a slight breeze blows in from an open window, the french doors fly open, and I make my entrance along with my husband, Rob who is looking quite handsome. Rob is wearing a pair of rugged-baggy-stoned-washed blue jeans (that make his ass look fabulous), cowboy boots, tight-white turtleneck (that shows off his pecks of steel), and wearing his infamous "shark-tooth necklace."
Me on the other hand..........I look fabulous of course, beside my gorgeous husband! I've got a short mini-skirt on, (size 5), (that shows off my long-muscular, tan legs.) Yes, I have a phenomenal dark tan (that makes me look like I've been in the sun all summer long!) I've got heels on, (that highlight my calves and make my legs look even thinner than they actually are.) I'm wearing a tight low-cut blouse that flatters my swollen breasts (and I'll admit the girls look breath-taking tonight!) My fingernails are manicured long and red, my makeup is flawless and my long, blond hair is flowing over my shoulders and down the middle of my back in little blond curls. Oh, and let's not forget all the jewelry that I have on....endless diamonds and gold, of course.
The crowd grows silent as I make my entrance......parading through the tables of people who are "oooing and aahing" over how spectacular I look. Yes, the attention is all on me - Yes, Jenny Phillips, the diva!
OK, now let's get back to reality.....let me tell you what's really going to happen:
There's a crowd of people sitting in the smoke filled local small town pub. Rob and I appear in the door. Rob, of course, is in his work clothes, (which would include a worn-out flannel shirt and holey jeans, complete with work boots and baseball cap.) He hasn't shaved and he's in a bad mood, (not really excited to be here at all.)
I'm by his side, wearing a pair of jeans that don't fit and they're unbuttoned under my baggie blouse, of course! (See my "I'm in need of a lifestyle change!" post!) I'm not wearing heels, because I hate being taller than Rob. I'm pale, because I haven't been in the sun all summer long and I'm too lazy to go to the tanner on a consistent basis. I'm not only white and pasty looking, but I'm still fat, of course! (Those dam cheeseburgers!) (See my "I'd rather eat a cheeseburger!" post!) I've got skin jiggling under my upper arms, not to mention what my chin looks like (I think I have 2 chins right now), and don't even get me started on my bangs! (Who in the Hell cuts their own hair 2 weeks before their high school class reunion?) What was I thinking! My face is full of wrinkles and huge pores....my shade of makeup doesn't even match my skin color and my fingernails are short, bitten, and cracked!
And as I enter the bar, I slip on the wet floor and fall flat on my face, putting my front tooth through my lower lip. I get up non-chalantly, shake it off and enter my reunion with blood seeping from the cut in my mouth, and my lower lip black and blue, swelled up like a melon!
Boy, do I know how to make an entrance! And I sure know how to impress, don't I? Maybe I just won't go!
Photo - National Lampoon's Class Reunion