Friday, July 8, 2011

....more poop stories......

(If you don't like talking about POOP - you might wanna SKIP this post......I'm just sayin'..........)
Well, I did it again......(....if you're not sure what I'm talking about, read THIS post.......) ......I plugged the toilet at work AGAIN......   Well, I can't help it, people......sometimes I just gotta go.  And I've been having trouble in the poop department lately.

See, this is how it went down:  We have one bathroom in our office - just one - that we all share.  I used to wait for all my male co-workers to leave the office each morning - then - like clockwork  - it's off to the toilet I would go to do my business, same time, each day.  (.....I did this back when I thought all the men in my office didn't think I ever went poop....)      Well - I'm OVER that now - Yeah - I pretty much poop whenever I want to now!   

There was a time - a couple of years ago that I had to go SO BAD................I mean REALLY bad - and one of my male bosses was in the office that afternoon.  I kept waiting for him to get his work done and leave......but he kept sticking around doing God knows what....(....well, I certainly wasn't going to stink up the bathroom when he was in the office...you know..)......I kept having the urge........I mean REAL FREAKIN' BAD .....and I kept trying to squeeze my butt-cheeks together....you know - to keep it from 'prairie-doggin' and stuff.  Well - this lasted for about an hour, then I started getting the cold sweats and not feeling so good ...(...you know....from holding it in and all....)..........at one point I started to feel nauseated ....in fact - I can't be sure, but I think I passed out at my desk for a minute!   I decided that I needed to do something....and FAST.....SO I tried using my 'mental telepathy ninja skills' on him to make him think he had to go somewhere else, thus getting him out of the office.......(...I kept trying to project thoughts into his mind - like:  "ED - You need to LEAVE the office!"....."ED - You have to go downtown to get some lunch!".....or "ED - You need to run home and get your mail!"....or "ED - YOU NEED TO GET THE H*LL OUT OF THE FLIPPIN' OFFICE...LIKE RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW - BEFORE I EXPLODE!"....).....but that didn't work!   Finally....I just couldn't take it anymore....I was sop and wet from sweat.......on the verge of losing consciousness again.....(.....from holding my poop in for so long..).....So I grabbed a few pieces of out-going mail and told him I had to go to the post office to get these letters out ....and by God - I think he bought it!   Little did he know - instead of going to the post office - I went straight to the 'McDonalds' downtown - headed right to the public restroom and did my business.   And let me tell you - It wasn't pretty.......     Well - to Hell with that, my friends.........nope - not putting myself through that again.....EVER......

So, anyway....(...back to my original story....)......today I was taking my daily poop and low and behold - "CLOGGAGE"  (Surprise.........) The rest is as follows:
I open the door to the bathroom having discovered my toilet problem and hollar upstairs to my co-worker, Chris: 
ME:   "Chris, Are we the only ones in the office right now?  I freakin' clogged the toilet again!"
(laughter from upstairs)
(.....plunging....)
(....plunging....)
ME:  "I'm gonna try flushing it again - but I think it's going to overflow!"
(more laughter from upstairs)
(....plunging....)
(......FLUSH........)
ME:  "SHIT....I DID IT.......It's freakin' overflowing......there's poop water going all over.......damn-it.......I TOLD YOU this was gonna happen!"
(...more laughter from upstairs.....)
(.....more plunging...)
(...more plunging.....)
Chris:  (...hollering down to me from upstairs...) "You gotta plunge it really hard to get it to go down, Jenny!"
(....more plunging...)
(.....more plunging....)
ME: "Ok..........Good.........there it goes........I've got it.........it flushed.........did you hear me?.........we're all set..........it's okay now!"
(....laughter from upstairs....)
ME:  "Why does this SHIT always just happen to me, anyway?"
Chris: (...hollering down to me from upstairs....) "It doesn't, Jenny ....it happens to me sometimes too......I just don't broadcast it to the entire office!"
                      (.....well I'll be damned.....)
(photo courtesy of the internet)

5 comments:

  1. omg, your going to McDonalds is freaking funny. I really hate to poop at work too. We have our own restroom, but I really can't stand it if a guy is in the mens room, since they share a wall. I'm weird like that.

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  2. I am SO glad I'm not alone! You just may have inspired me to write my own one of these days. lol

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  3. ROFL and here I thought I was the only person to have this issue :D I too, have done the MickeyD stop - but it was on the way to my chiropractor's office. NO way I was going to take a chance there as there is only one toilet in the woman's bathroom and the door lets out where the front desk is.

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  4. holy shit! literally... haha

    i have been known to clog a toilet or two, maybe... and i have all my bathroom stops mapped out so that no matter where i'm going i have a good spot to stop....

    at work i'm lucky in that i have my own office with my own potty... whew!

    p.s. prairie doggin... down here in these parts we call it turtle headin' ;)

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  5. You do realize Jenny that it wasn't plugged because of you. It was probably plugged because Chris was in there before you, and his big log didn't make it all the way out. So now it looks like you plugged, but you didn't. It was Chris. He's a genius. Or his poop is.
    And from someone who has major poop issues, I'm so envious of you. Although I laughed at "prairie-doggin'" I was also jealous.

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